The RV of terror - casualties: one

The Bellend of the Month for June 2016 is Roger Carter Killam, who is scheduled to appear in court at time of posting on two counts of neglecting a vulnerable person. Police say Killam left his 25-year-old daughters in a parked RV without air conditioning or water while he and his girlfriend stayed overnight at a Laughlin hotel. Authorities say the deceased was autistic and the other sister also appeared to have mental disabilities. I would have given them the hotel room and stayed in the RV.

Best incentive to get your read on

My reading choices would be about how to break out and how to not get raped to name a couple.

THE BIG REVIEW: The best burger in the world

This is another Create Your Taste burger I've come up with - it has two grilled chicken fillets, three slices of bacon, a pineapple ring, barbecue sauce, jalapeños, and three different cheeses - Brie, Swiss, and Parmesan. Just scan the QR code at any participating McDonald's in New Zealand to order. And just like with the Ultimeatum, anyone who doesn't eat it is a chump!

POST 2300: He just wants to tell you how he's feeling, gonna make you understand

Another reason to cut the cancer sticks

An alarming new report shows that the battle against smoking is far from over. If you’re a smoker, a new study should alarm you — big time. The study, published in the journal BMC Public Health, found that there are some 4,800 chemicals in cigarette smoke — many of them being carcinogens — but most people who are smokers have no clue what they’re inhaling, according to a Biomed Central statement. The study argues that more information should be available to consumers about what’s in cigarette smoke to help them understand the true dangers of smoking. However, right now that’s not available to people, which is a big concern to health officials. And I'm sure Big Tobacco have a good reason to keep it that way - there's money to be had in their poison.

How to keep the fart from the food

Kingdom unites against the Union

That's right, British membership in the EU has come to an end after 43 years. Time for these two pieces to go to separate parts of this blue and green puzzle known as Earth.

Calendar crisis in the Andes

Bolivian President Evo Morales has proposed that the Andean country replace the Gregorian calendar with the nation’s Indigenous peoples' calendar. Bolivia’s first Indigenous president, President Evo Morales said his country should consider abandoning the "colonial imposition" that is the Gregorian calendar. During a ceremonial event celebrating Inti Raymi, an ancient Incan tradition marking the winter solstice and honoring the sun, President Morales referred to the Gregorian calendar as “untidy.” “Therefore, we must reclaim our ancestral calendar as part of the rebuilding of our identity,” President Morales stated. Morales issued his comments on Tuesday as Bolivia celebrated the winter solstice, which is considered "day zero" in the indigenous calendar and marks the beginning of the arrival of the year 5524. President Morales, who declared the date a national holiday in 2010, has implemented a series of laws that aim to promote Bolivian national identity and abandon colonial cultural traditions. In 2014, the clock displayed on the Bolivian Congress building in La Paz was re-set to run in reverse, instead of clockwise, to reflect the country's location in the Southern Hemisphere. Since becoming elected in 2005, Morales’ political discourse has been largely based on the need to “decolonize the state” and combat racism. I agree with him. Our calendar isn't perfect - uneven month lengths, months begin on different days each year, not to mention Easter going all over the place. There are better calendars - just Google calendar reform.

In honour of two of the greatest goals of all time

THE BIG REVIEW: Dealing with insurance

Especially when it comes to an experience that one should only wish on those truly deserving of it like Justin Bieber. Read this hard-luck story and sign their petition: https://www.change.org/p/allianz-australia-allianz-i-have-permanent-injuries-from-a-serious-mva-stop-the-4-year-delay-on-my-claim

Another raspberry bury in the air

A onetime business associate of Prince’s who ran the music star’s downtown Minneapolis nightclub in the 1990s was found dead over the weekend in his Minnetonka home. The associate, 48-year-old Paul Pudlitzke, was cold to the touch when emergency responders arrived at his house in the 5100 block of Woodhill Road about 8:30 a.m. local time Saturday, according to police dispatch communication. The person who called authorities to the scene told law enforcement that Pudlitzke had been using illicit drugs the previous night, the dispatches noted. Police have released only the sparest of information, saying Sunday morning that officers arrived to find a man not breathing and that he was dead in the home. Pudlitzke’s death comes nearly two months after Prince died at Paisley Park in Chanhassen from an accidental overdose of a potent opiate painkiller. This is why people shouldn't do drugs.

What an unholy mess some churches are in #behumble

Sanders not backing Killary Clin$anto

Bernie Sanders has declined to endorse Hillary Clinton, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, saying that he would continue to push for a "fundamental transformation" of the party up until its convention next month in Philadelphia. "The American people are hurting, and they are hurting badly," Sanders said during a news conference outside his Washington campaign office near Capitol Hill. "They want real change, not the same old, same old." Sanders' comments came as voters in the District of Columbia were casting the final ballots of the long Democratic nominating contest, and as Sanders and Clinton were preparing for a highly anticipated meeting Tuesday night to discuss the party's agenda heading into the fall election against presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump. Here's an idea for real change: the nominees should watch the new Michael Moore documentary Where to Invade Next, and look at implementing the ideas Moore discussed, especially the way Norway runs its prison system.

One good printer deserves another

Activision have ruined another mascot of the PS1 era :(

Here's an excuse to curb your enthusiasm

Making good on years of tentative "we'll sees" from both the creator and network, Curb Your Enthusiasm will indeed return to HBO. The network on Tuesday announced a ninth season for the beloved Larry David comedy, though a formal return date was not included. Curb Your Enthusiasm last aired an original episode in September 2011, and the nearly five-year gap since has seen neither HBO nor David ready to publicly dismiss the idea of revisiting the show. On the network end, former programming president Michael Lombardo had said he was "cautiously optimistic" about more Curb — while David, in keeping with his schtick, often appeared less than optimistic in the many instances he's been pressed about the subject. On his decision to revisit his alter ego, David had this to say: “In the immortal words of Julius Caesar, ‘I left, I did nothing, I returned.’” And in the immortal words of network execs all throughout television land, let there be crap.

THE BIG REVIEW: The lengths smokers will go to just to pump more cancer into their lungs

Three men armed with a firearm and a sword have robbed a Dunedin petrol station. Police said the men entered a petrol station in Hillside Rd, Forbury, about 1.50am on Monday. The men, who wore black clothing and had their faces covered, stole cash and tobacco. No one was injured, but come on. First fags getting shot at a nightclub, and now fags being stolen from a dairy. This sort of thing is why tobacco should be banned instead of just raising taxes. If Bhutan is able to say no to that evil poison, why can't the rest of us?

Orlando has become the new Harambe

Who else is attending?

A few untrustworthy men

Left: Rapist Brock Turner 

Right: Corrupt judge Aaron Persky

Bottom Left: Disgusting man and father, Dan Turner 

Bottom Right: Attorney Mike Armstrong 

4 despicable men, all who deserve to have their sick faces blasted on the internet. 

Best. Watch. Ever.

And we're not even halfway through

If only these two could have been there for Harambe

THE BIG REVIEW: The fact that justice will not be served

The verdict is in, and it's a no-go. Even though the mother was clearly at fault for not supervising her child, they're not going to file charges. This is just stupid. May the forces of all that is right prevail in the end.

Will there be justice for Harambe?

At 1pm Eastern Daylight Time, Hamilton County Prosecutor Joe Deters will make the final determination as to whether or not charges of any type will be filed against the mother of the 3-year-old that entered the gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo on May 28, 2016. No matter what happens, we CAN - if we all work together - continue to work to educate, raise awareness, and help save the Western Lowland Gorilla. Or, we can choose to simply "move on" like the detractors have been suggesting. It's up to all of you. Especially you, Mr. Deters. If the mother had been paying attention to her son, she would have been able to stop him from entering the enclosure and Harambe wouldn't have been shot. She should be prosecuted or at the very least banned from the zoo for a lengthy period of time. She should be made to accept responsibility, for accepting responsibility is how we all learn from our mistakes and better ourselves. My sister has two children, a girl aged 3 and a boy aged 19 months, and I can assure you she is a much better parent than to let her kids play in a gorilla enclosure unsupervised. One of the main reasons our society is in the mess it's in is because there are individuals that don't take that responsibility. Let's hope that changes tomorrow and there's one mother that admits and acknowledges her role in the chain of events that led up to the death of Harambe. And a sincere message of sympathy for the loss of Harambe would be a good first step in healing wounds.

Not to mention no Vietcong ever calling him that word

He lived like a butterfly and died like a bee

And so the Harambe jokes continue

But not for long, the future is going on.

Why can't America do the same?

Harambe got nothing on this

THE BIG REVIEW: Profits from the sale of murder weapons

The Bellend of the Month for May 2016 is George Zimmerman.

They shot the 'rilla, but they didn't shoot the four-year-old

Devastated. Heartbroken. In mourning. Those are some of the words the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden used in a contrite explanation for the death of Harambe, a 17-year-old western lowland gorilla killed on Saturday to save a boy who slipped into the zoo's habitat. The boy was in "imminent danger," leaving the zoo's Dangerous Animal Response Team with no option but to shoot the 450-pound gorilla, zoo director Thane Maynard said in a statement on Facebook. Tranquilizers may not have taken effect in time to save the boy while the dart might have agitated the animal, worsening the situation, Maynard said. "We are heartbroken about losing Harambe, but a child's life was in danger and a quick decision had to be made," he said. The words did little to assuage an angry chorus of critics who believed the gorilla's death was unnecessary. Many blamed the boy's mother for failing to look after her son. Neither the boy nor his family have been identified. And neither was the idiot who didn't build the walls high enough to stop kids from falling in. The fault is at both ends. Parents need to supervise their kids and zoos need to build their enclosures with higher fences.

So that's why they call it thousand island

Will you Mario me?

You know what they say: Nice guys finish last. But that’s only because they’re busy crafting the perfect proposal for their girlfriends. Case in point: YouTube user Shane Birkinbine. Last weekend, the avid gamer and self-proclaimed "geek" asked his girlfriend, Pam Edwards, to marry him, using Super Mario Maker to spell out the sweet request. "Pam bought me the game for the Nintendo Wii several months ago," the groom-to-be told USA TODAY. "Being busy with life and working, I had not had a chance to create my own level. So, it came to me to make the very first level a marriage proposal. It just seemed to fit as we both enjoy Mario games. So, over the course of a week I would work on it after I got home in the evenings when she was fast asleep." Birkinbine explained that he and Edwards met on Match.com a year and eight months ago. "Her photo and profile was so genuine so after some messaging I asked her out. And here we are!" The video will be uploaded soon.

Renewable energy has been Trumped

Hours after effectively clinching the Republican presidential nomination, Donald Trump vowed to withdraw the United States from the historic Paris agreement among 195 nations to cut greenhouse gas emissions in an effort to stop global warming. Trump, who has often dismissed the science on climate change as a hoax that threatens American jobs, promised to cut all US spending on United Nations programmes on global warming. Speaking at an oil and gas industry conference in Bismarck, N.D., he laid out an energy agenda that would rely heavily on fossil fuels and rescind Obama administration regulations aimed at addressing climate change. "In a Trump administration, political activists with extreme agendas will no longer write the rules, because that's what's happening now," Trump said. When I think of extreme agendas, his own agenda comes readily to mind. He should be lucky I don't live in America, otherwise that would mean one more vote for Clinton or Sanders. Speaking of which, if Clinton wins the Democratic nomination, 2016 may well be the year of the third party.

Everything in this picture is awesome

Wow much noble, so respect

THE BIG REVIEW: Panic at the disco

And no, I don't mean the band. I'm talking about a bunch of pricks who haven't even heard of behaving their goddamn selves. I've got a whole sin to write about them tonight, so let's pour the champagne: a 15-year-old girl who was involved in an altercation at a disco was asked by the organisers to stop bringing attention to the issue for fear of backlash. On Saturday night at the Pro Fresh Blackout Disco in Palmerston North, Katelyn Bird was involved in an altercation, which resulted in her being concussed. The disco is an event held for 14 to 18-year-olds all around the country and is a drug and alcohol-free event. Katelyn said she was pushed to the ground in an altercation at the event. She said security guards did not check she was OK and did not break the altercation up. After contacting event organisers about the issue, Katelyn received messages back that encouraged her not to speak out about what had happened. "Word will spread fast that you are the cause of anything that may come from this," Katelyn was told. I'd speak out anyway, so that some good comes out of it.

This is what our planet really looks like from outer space

And that's before the populace suffer at the hands of goons going by the names TTIP, TPP, and TiSA.

And finally LVG wins a trophy for the Reds

Manchester United’s 12-year wait to win the FA Cup is over after Louis van Gaal’s men came from behind to secure a dramatic and exhilarating extra-time victory over Crystal Palace. Jason Puncheon opened the scoring late in the second half, but the Reds mustered a display of fighting spirit and drew level three minutes later through Juan Mata. After Chris Smalling was sent off in extra time, Academy graduate Jesse Lingard hit a stunning winner that will be remembered for years to come. Although it has been a disappointing season in the Barclays Premier League, after finishing fifth and missing out on Champions League qualification, success in the FA Cup has provided genuine cause for celebration among everybody associated with United. Particularly for the fans, who have craved this trophy in the dozen years since the club’s last success in 2004 when Millwall were beaten in Cardiff. It may not be a Premier League title, but it is better than nothing for a manager who could be on his way out.

The worst-case scenario is if Crystal Palace wins

But here's the wurst-case scenario.

You gotta beliebe

No more crap for two months

That's right, people. Michael Buble is out of action for two months. Just as well because his music has been on the way out since before he was born.

Last game under LVG ends in win

Two days later than planned, Manchester United signed off for the 2015/16 Barclays Premier League season with a comfortable 3-1 victory over Bournemouth at Old Trafford. The Reds knew a point would guarantee entry into the Europa League group stages and avoid a qualifying tie in July, and goals from Wayne Rooney, Marcus Rashford, and Ashley Young ensured it was mission accomplished in that sense. Of course, this match should have been played 48 hours earlier after Sunday’s security alert had forced the initial fixture's abandonment and that had an impact on the crowd inside Old Trafford with not everyone who was here on Sunday able to make the rearranged meeting. It was the same XI for United that was due to start the original match though, with Marcos Rojo and Matteo Darmian missing out through injury and illness ruling out Morgan Schneiderlin. Before kick-off, David De Gea was presented with the Sir Matt Busby Player of the Year award but neither the Spaniard or his opposite number Adam Federici had much to do in a quiet opening quarter of the match. But at least they made it into the group stages of the Europa League.

THE BIG REVIEW: The real terrorists

Donald Trump was absent when the photo was taken.

Top four not happening this year

Manchester United's final Barclays Premier League match of the season will now be played on Tuesday 17 May, when kick-off is set for 8pm BST. This follows the abandonment of the planned fixture due to a suspicious package that was discovered at Old Trafford. Louis van Gaal's men can realistically no longer finish fourth and qualify for the UEFA Champions League after Manchester City's 1-1 draw at Swansea City on Sunday afternoon. The Reds are determined to end the league campaign on a high though, particularly with the FA Cup final to follow at the weekend. A second defeat in the last 12 matches was suffered during West Ham's Upton Park farewell, despite two goals for Anthony Martial. Louis van Gaal's men have only lost twice at home all season (not including the penalty shoot-out defeat to Middlesbrough in the Capital One Cup), while the visitors are 17th in the form table, covering the last six matches, but have won three of their last six games on the road. Even if the Reds can no longer finish in the top four, they still have the FA Cup final next weekend. Loser van Gaal can still win it.

Australia enters Eurovision again

It's a wonder the green stuff is still a no-go

Indians currying favour with the devil

Strong with the priorities America is not

Reds frustrated in race to the top four

The Champions League qualifying initiative swung away from Manchester United again as Louis van Gaal's side lost 3-2 to West Ham in an incredible last competitive match at Upton Park. The Reds travelled to East London knowing that two wins in the final two league games against the Hammers and Bournemouth would clinch fourth place in the Barclays Premier League. But despite a brilliant double from the in-form Anthony Martial, the Reds were ultimately defeated by strikes from Diafra Sakho, Michail Antonio, and former All White Winston Reid as the hosts turned the game on its head in the final 15 minutes. With one game remaining, United lie two points behind Manchester City and must now hope Swansea City beat the Blues in South Wales while ensuring three home points are collected when Bournemouth visit Old Trafford. Human lives may not depend on it, but a top-four finish does.

THE BIG REVIEW: Viv

Who is she, I hear you ask? It is the latest creation by Dag Kittlaus and Adam Cheyer, the team who created the artificial intelligence behind Siri, Apple's iconic digital assistant, and one of the first modern apps to capably handle natural language queries on a smartphone. Today the pair showed off Viv, a next generation AI assistant that they have been developing in stealth mode for the last four years. The goal was to create a better version of Siri, one that connected to a multitude of services, instead of routinely shuffling queries off to a basic web search. During a 20-minute demo onstage at Disrupt NYC, Viv flawlessly handled a dozen complex requests, not just in terms of comprehension, but by connecting with third-party merchants to purchase goods and book reservations. Amazing, huh?

#justiceforlauri

Reds continue push for the top 4

Manchester United applied pressure on neighbours City ahead of the Blues' clash with Arsenal on Sunday thanks to a narrow 1-0 win at Norwich City. Juan Mata scored the only goal of the match to boost the Reds' hopes of qualifying for the Champions League but compounded the Canaries' relegation worries. Despite the importance of the game for both teams, it was the most low key of opening halves with precious few moments of excitement. Perhaps the loss of Anthony Martial in the warm-up, with the injured Frenchman replaced by midfielder Ander Herrera, blunted the Reds' attack and Louis van Gaal's team was further depleted when Matteo Darmian was forced off on a stretcher early on. Daley Blind and Marcus Rashford were already rested for the clash and not included in the squad. But what's important here is the three points.

Here's how English should be spoken

Still no PC's in South D

The South Dunedin community is tired of waiting for its community police station to reopen to the public after being closed for 11 months and is demanding answers. The Macandrew Rd building has been closed since floodwaters last June (look at my post dated 3 June 2015 for some photos I took of surface flooding further north) extensively damaged the ground floor. The road policing group relocated to the North Dunedin station but the neighbourhood policing team, Dunedin dog section, and the serious crash unit continued to work from the building. "It [the station] was already diminished as a service for the community ... [but] we could go in there and we could report crimes," Dunedin South MP Clare Curran said. "There's nowhere now. It's deeply concerning that one of our most densely populated communities ... is not getting that police support." In an email response, police said no timeframe had been set for the station to become fully functional again. This is not good enough. There are around 10,000 people living in the wider South Dunedin area - this is a sizeable area that needs an on-the-ground, functioning police station. Community policing is vital. Like the Work and Income building before it - its reopening was confirmed in December after months of uncertainty and campaigning by concerned residents - people need answers on the future of the police station. Even if the area can be policed from the central station on Great King Street for the time being, response times could be affected by the distance the unit has to travel, and residents would have to travel further to report crimes in person. But then again, they already have to go into town for several things anyway - for instance if you want to see a movie, there are only three places in Dunedin and they are for the most part on adjacent blocks near the Octagon. There are more choices in post-quake Christchurch (a grand total of eight within the city's bus network) and they are more spread out, with only one of them in the Four Avenues. Maybe that's something Dunedin could look into.

The king should take the rook

The Fourth Awakens

THE BIG REVIEW: Sleep

We all need it. It's best to start young, because let's face it - teens need to wake up to the need for more shut-eye. But hold on - waking up to more sleep? It doesn't usually make sense unless Chuck Norris says it does. And you better listen to what he has to say about it because he always carries four weapons of mass destruction - his arms and his legs.

I doubt if it's ever been easy to navigate one's teen years. As an extremely shy kid, it certainly wasn't easy for me. Yet when you throw in the magnifying influence of technology, it's easy to see that today's teens are facing issues of growing up in a way never experienced before. The challenges faced by peer pressure are not new, but add the impact of electronic media and the issue becomes so much larger than life. Is it any wonder that, according to one report, 11 percent of adolescents today have depressive disorder by age 18? Another 30 percent of today's teens have been involved in bullying either as a victim or as the tormenter, according to research conducted by Family First Aid. According to the 2011 National Survey of Children's Health, 31.3 percent of children in the United States between the ages of 10 and 17 are overweight or obese. Of the 20 million new sexually transmitted diseases each year, more than half were transmitted among young people between the ages of 15 and 24 according to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention findings. Although the high school dropout rate is decreasing, 1.2 million students still drop out of high school each year in the United States, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. For young people that stick it out, many routinely stay up past midnight on school nights, a lot of them transfixed by new media, only to be faced with getting up at the crack of dawn in order to make it to school before the 8:00 a.m. bell. Now, a new report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has revealed that there are consequences of resulting tiredness we see in young people as a result of this cycle. It's also now becoming clear that this sleep-deprived way of life of today's teenagers is not only dangerous, it could be deadly. The new CDC report reveals an association between lack of sleep and a greater tendency toward riskier behaviors by teens. The study found that when teens get less than seven hours of sleep on school nights, they are more likely to engage in a wide range of risky behaviors. Those behaviors included texting and driving, drinking and driving, riding with a driver who was drinking, and not wearing a seat belt in a car, or a helmet while on a bicycle; such risky behaviors were less likely to be found in teens that sleep nine hours a night, according to the report. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report is not the first one to connect lack of sleep to problems associated with young people. In 2014, the American Academy of Pediatrics made a formal recommendation that school start times be delayed so teens can sleep in, due in part to the evidence that insufficient sleep contributes to behavior and academic troubles and higher obesity risk. In their policy statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended that schools start no earlier than 8:30 a.m. so that teens can get the required 8.5 to 9.5 hours of sleep a night. An even earlier study in 2011 found that insufficient sleep for teens (described as less than eight hours on average a night) was associated with cigarette, alcohol, and marijuana use, sexual activity, not getting enough exercise, feeling sad or hopeless, and seriously considering attempting suicide. At the time, nearly 70 percent of teens were not getting enough sleep, the CDC found. You have to wonder, given we have been seeing a link between sleep deprivation and behavioral and health issues with our young people reconfirmed to us over and over again, why haven't we as a society responded? Perhaps the pattern we see in our teens merely reflects prevailing attitudes we have as adults. As a society, we just don't respect sleep. We continue to associate sleep with being lazy, while seeing sleeping as little as possible as not only being productive, but virtuous. Boy, are we mistaken. Getting enough sleep is not only essential; it's a proven third pillar of health. We so often like to think of the difficulty many people have in controlling their weight and eating habits as merely an issue of willpower. There is now increasing evidence that the "lack of willpower" may be explained by chemical and hormonal changes resulting from sleep deficiency, that there is a clear link between obesity and insufficient sleep. According to recent finding published in the journal Sleep, the growth of this country's obesity epidemic over the past 40 years correlates with a progressive decline in the amount of sleep reported by the average adult. The study found that the "lack of willpower" may not be due to personal weakness, but rather a result of an addictive chemical imbalance resulting from sleep loss. In today's technological age, both teens and adults have developed a habit of recharging their phones and laptops before they go to bed at night, while failing to sufficiently recharge their minds and bodies with a good night's sleep. As I reported last October, J.J. Watt, NFL Defensive Player of the Year and one of the best athletes on the planet, had a bed installed in a corner of the Texans' equipment room. Here, Watt and his teammates would steal away during extended breaks during training camp for a little nap time. Watt later revealed to another player that he also makes it a practice to be in bed by nine o'clock at night to ensure a full night's sleep and to provide the recovery time his body needs to remain in top shape. So let's get it out of our heads — sleep is not for wimps. It's a fact: getting a good night's sleep improves memory, learning, and mental health. While, like adults, some teens need more sleep than others, it's currently recommended that adolescents between the ages 14-17 aim for eight to 10 hours each night.

It's been found that most adults need seven to nine hours to function properly. I take no chances, I go for nine. It works for me.

Oh, and Leicester City have won the Premier League. Actually, it was Chuck Norris, but he lets other teams hold the silverware in his place.

Draw doesn't cut it for either side

Manchester United and Leicester City played out an enthralling 1-1 draw that was punctuated with entertainment, passion, and drama - yet the result was not truly desired by either club. Anthony Martial and Wes Morgan scored first-half goals in the stalemate that mirrors November's meeting at the King Power Stadium, providing a blow to the Reds’ hopes of finishing in the Barclays Premier League top four with just three matches left to play. The Foxes could also have won the title at Old Trafford had they secured a victory, although their champagne remains on ice for the time being. Oh, and Danny Drinkwater was booked a second time in the 87th minute, meaning the Foxes were down to ten at the end.

Let's start the new month shaken, not stirred

With none other than the Disseminators of the Truth Guide to Making the Perfect Martini:

The Gay Promotee not promoted

The Bellend of the Month for April 2016 is one of Scotland Yard's top female officers, Commander Christine Jones. 50-year-old Jones, who oversaw the Met's security operation at the 2011 Royal Wedding, is being investigated over claims she discriminated against a senior gay colleague, namely blocking Superintendent Steve Deehan's bid for promotion. The £110,000 a year Jones is alleged to have misrepresented other people's views on 48-year-old Supt Deehan's application for a higher rank. Supt Deehan is openly homosexual and has spoken out in the past over the need for more diversity in the Met. The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said it is probing whether Commander Jones' alleged actions were 'aggravated by discrimination'. They clearly were. Anyone can see that.

Traffic lights on the pavement

That's right, the circles on the ground in the bottom photo are traffic lights so those who text while walking don't get run over.

The straight way is not always the shortest

Justice has prevailed for the 96

THE BIG REVIEW: Loopholes

At this point, even Justin Bieber would be a better name than that of a Confederate soldier

Reds make it to FA Cup final

That's right, Manchester United have beaten Everton to secure a spot in the FA Cup final. Just days earlier, they closed the gap on top-four rivals Arsenal and Manchester City with a routine 2-0 win over Crystal Palace, providing a timely morale boost ahead of the game at Wembley. The victory – secured via a Damien Delaney own goal and Matteo Darmian volley – left the Reds just a point behind the Gunners ahead of their game-in-hand against West Bromwich Albion on Thursday, with Manuel Pellegrini’s Blues two points ahead after their draw at Newcastle earlier in the week. I hope LVG can at least win the FA Cup.

Pluto Pluto Pluto, Oi Oi Oi

Nothing compares to this as far as bad news goes

Yesterday, the Queen turned 90. But Prince will not reach that milestone for he has become the artist formerly known as alive. May the doves cry purple rain.

Here's what comes after 4/20

Blazing up some good karma for 4/20

A teenager who found Thor's wallet and returned it has been rewarded with a cool US$10,000 (NZ$14,200). When 17-year-old Tristin Budzyn-Baker found Australian actor Chris Hemsworth's wallet he was more than a little surprised. He could have done many things with the star's wallet, packed with cash and all his personal information, but the boy scout chose to do the right thing. Budzyn-Baker went on to appear with Hemsworth on the Ellen DeGeneres Show to tell how he returned the movie star's wallet. Hemsworth said he had been dining with his family in a "pretty rough area"  of Los Angeles when he lost his wallet. "I left my wallet on the table and thought 'I'm never going to get it back, I'm never going to see it again'," Hemsworth said. The boy scout picked the wallet up and was shocked to learn its owner. "I was like mum, do you know who this is? We found Thor's wallet!" Budzyn-Baker said. "We were speechless. We didn't know what to do." Thor or not, I would have banked all the cash and had a huge online spending spree (has to be online or at a retailer with PayWave because I'm not going to know the PIN) to max out the credit cards, because seriously, I need the money if I'm ever going to get off my cousin's couch and into a decent house.

THE BIG REVIEW: Marcus Rashford

Just the man LVG needs to get the Reds back to winning ways.

Here's something for world governments to aim for

Villa stuck at the bottom

Manchester United applied pressure to fourth-placed rivals Manchester City with a 1-0 victory over Aston Villa, courtesy of Marcus Rashford's first-half strike. Louis van Gaal made five changes to the XI that started at West Ham in midweek but the match lacked any real intensity, even if defeat confirmed the Midlanders' inevitable relegation to the Championship. And it's set to get worse - David Moyes is the man Aston Villa want to lead them back to glory after the end of their 28-year run in the top flight was confirmed with the defeat at Manchester United. Following relegation, Moyes has been promised significant funds to take the Midlands club back up at the first attempt having seen the experiments of relatively inexperienced managers Tim Sherwood and Remi Garde backfire dismally. Owner Randy Lerner and his new-look board still have a lot of persuading to do before Moyes decides to make Villa his fifth club after spells with Preston North End, Everton, Manchester United, and Real Sociedad. After what he pulled at Man United, I wouldn't recommend him for a club in the drop zone lest they end up in League One come season's end.

FBI can't has data

Apple is saying no to the government — again. In a legal filing late Friday, the tech giant argued it should not be compelled to aid federal law enforcement officials who seek to extract data from a confessed meth trafficker's iPhone because they have not exhausted all means to bypass the unit's built-in security code. The company's lawyers also contended that the Department of Justice misinterpreted the All Writs Act, the 1789 statute that government lawyers used as the legal basis for asking a Brooklyn federal court to compel Apple's assistance. Apple filed the legal brief in response to the government's appeal of a March ruling in which Brooklyn Magistrate Judge James Orenstein rejected federal prosecutors' application. "The government has utterly failed to satisfy its burden to demonstrate that Apple’s assistance in this case is necessary," Apple said in the 45-page filing. "The government has made no showing that it has exhausted alternative means for extracting data from the iPhone at issue here." But if they found such a means with Syed Farook's iPhone, I'm sure they can do it again without a messy court battle.

It's multiplex not multitext

One of the largest cinema chains in the US is considering letting customers use their mobile phones during films. AMC chief executive Adam Aron said he wanted to encourage so-called millennials to visit the cinema. He told Variety magazine: "You can't tell a 22-year-old to turn off their cellphone. That's not how they live their life." But he said he would have to find a solution that did not disturb other movie-goers. I have one: how about just turning the damn phone off? I grew up in a generation of respect for the rules of common decency, and I know to switch my phone off or at least put it in flight mode for just three hours at the most. We pay good money to be able to watch the latest blockbuster without hearing some disrespectful yob sitting a few seats away talking on their phone like a Trump supporter or an ISIS militant.

The WTF means WTF as in it ain't the weekend yet