Cliven stuck on the wrong side of history

The Bellend of the Month for April 2014 is Cliven Bundy, the Nevada rancher who has drawn a lot of attention recently for his longtime refusal to pay grazing fees (and because his cause drew the support of an armed militia). He was profiled in the New York Times last week - that meant a New York Times reporter was there to hear Bundy say this: “I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro,” he said. Mr. Bundy recalled driving past a public-housing project in North Las Vegas, “and in front of that government house the door was usually open and the older people and the kids — and there is always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch — they didn’t have nothing to do. They didn’t have nothing for their kids to do. They didn’t have nothing for their young girls to do. And because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do? They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.” As you might expect, at least one of the lawmakers who had supported Bundy quickly condemned his remarks. You can probably expect other lawmakers to follow suit because this is not on. Nobody can be better off under slavery, what with the whipping and the shackles and even the odd foot being cut off to prevent escape. The United States even fought a whole war in the 1860s on the subject of slavery.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Bar brawls

Police have expressed concern about alcohol-related violence in Dunedin after an alleged assault in the Octagon left a man with a serious head injury, on the same day as a man died as a result of an incident in a central city bar. A Ryan John Court was found unconscious in the toilet area of the Craft Bar in the Octagon early on Sunday and could not be revived. Stephen Anthony Fernyhough, a demolition worker, has been remanded in custody for a week on a charge of assault. Fernyhough is also facing a charge of intentionally damaging a window in a separate incident some time later that morning. The second incident that day - involving five men and a woman - occurred about 8pm at a taxi stand in the Octagon. An altercation took place, during which a 38-year-old sustained a serious head injury after being struck by a bottle. The man was taken to Dunedin hospital where he underwent surgery. His injuries include a fractured skull. If whoever did that is reading this right now, I'm telling you, one Dunedinite to another, it's not on. You need to give yourself up because the police will be coming after you sooner or later. Humankind was getting on just fine before the discovery of alcohol.

A Tale of Four Popes

In front of a sprawling sea of pilgrims fanning out from St. Peter’s Square, Pope Francis canonized John Paul II and John XXIII yesterday, bestowing sainthood on two towering figures of the 20th century who left outsize marks on the Roman Catholic Church. The hypnotic sounds of the Sistine Chapel Choir rang out across a crowd estimated at 800,000 faithful from the Vatican to beyond the Tiber River, where spillover crowds gathered before big screens. They watched as, for the first time in the church’s history, two popes were proclaimed saints at once. In fact, yesterday’s event was a tale of four popes, with Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, who retired last year, present in the wings - not that that's news. What is news, though, is that despite doubters, the first of what could be thousands or millions of buried E.T. game cartridges were discovered in the Alamogordo landfill where Atari buried them 31 years ago. "We found something," said Zak Penn, and the crowd cheered. Penn, the director of films like 2003's "X2: X-Men United", is making a film about the hunt for thousands, or even millions, of Atari E.T. game cartridges that the company disappeared 31 years ago. No one has known for sure where they went. Until now. Now we know. "For anybody who doubted," Penn continued, "there's a whole heck of a lot of games down there. We just saw them." It was 12:45 p.m. local time on Saturday, and hundreds of people were gathered at the old landfill in Alamogordo. There'd been lots of clues that the games, along with unknown other titles and hardware Atari didn't want anymore, had been dumped here. And yesterday, the crew making the movie had done an initial dig. As a result, garbage buried here for decades had blown up against an orange trash fence, like a 1979 IRS form 5695 ("Energy Credit") and an IRS Optional State Tax Table, and a customer register from the Townsman Motel dated July 3, 1978. Even an old plastic Bounty paper towel package. So look through your local rubbish dump today - even if it's not a whole bunch of old game cartridges, you never know just what free stuff you might come across there.

Two braces = perfectly good start to Giggs era

Manchester United got Ryan Giggs’ tenure as interim manager off to the perfect start with a comprehensive 4-0 win over Norwich at Old Trafford and just one yellow card per team. Giggs received a rapturous reception from the supporters more used to seeing him out on the pitch than in the dugout, but a determined Norwich side ensured that his side did not have it all their own way until a pair of Wayne Rooney goals, the first from the penalty spot, in the minutes immediately before and after half-time set the Reds on their way and another double, from substitute Juan Mata, ensured that the Giggs era began with the victory craved by a packed Old Trafford. This begs the question: why didn't they just pick Giggs to start with instead of subjecting the Reds to almost ten months of torture in the form of David Moyes?

Pub faces huge red card over plans for World Cup

A Dunedin bar's plans to screen Fifa World Cup matches later this year could be derailed by concerns the venue could attract early-morning drinkers "like moths to the flame". Octagon bar owner Grant Ellis has applied for a special licence that would allow his premises - the ground-floor Ratbags (which actually makes really good pizza) and/or Innocent Bystanders above it - to remain open for matches kicking off at 4am and 7am New Zealand time (1pm and 4pm the previous afternoon in much of Brazil). The aim is to cater for up to 80 "avid football fans" per game throughout the tournament, which begins on June 13 and ends on July 14. However, Mr Ellis' application has been opposed by Dunedin police and Southern District Health Board medical officer of health Dr Keith Reid, who said it would effectively allow 24-hour trading in the Octagon, increasing the availability of alcohol for up to 25 days during the tournament, including 11 "high risk" Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, when there will be more people in the Octagon. This increase in availability of alcohol - particularly during the early morning hours - has the potential to fuel alcohol-related harm in a sensitive area at a time which is prone to such incidents.

This begs very important questions about whether such a move is in keeping with regulatory requirements to minimise alcohol-related harm, and whether watching soccer on TV in a bar constitutes an event. It's not likely the request will be approved, but if it is, Ratbags and/or Innocent Bystanders would be the only bar allowed to sell alcohol after 4am, when all the neighbouring bars are closed. People who just seek to continue drinking will be attracted like moths to a flame when they see the venue is open, and it'll be a matter of time before they start a fight and somebody gets seriously hurt or even killed at the hands of a group of bellends who are only there to drink after 4am.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Seriously, people, you really need to go see this. "Amazing" was the biggest under-statement of the whole movie - the 3D effects were outstanding and early critical reception has been positive. It will be well worth the ticket price. In fact, I believe Spider-Man would be an asset to the team if he were to join either the X-Men or the Avengers. Oh, and Gwen dies near the end.

Guess who's back, back again? Jonah's back, tell a friend!

If you thought Pam Dawber appearing on The Crazy Ones two weeks ago was the highlight of 2014, I know what will top it. The ABC in Australia and BBC in the UK will offer every episode of the new Chris Lilley series, Jonah from Tonga, on their respective streaming platforms, iView and iPlayer, before the series launch next month. All six episodes will be available over the weekend of May 2 as part of a not to be missed iView binge. "Chris and I will always put the fan's experience first," producer Laura Waters said. "We're so excited that people can choose their own way of getting involved." The series will launch on May 7, and screen weekly on Wednesday nights on ABC1 in Australia and Thursday nights on BBC Three in the UK. If you're unfortunate enough to be situated outside of those two countries, you do have recourse in the form of a free plugin for Chrome and Firefox called Hola. I've just installed it in anticipation of the binge, and now not this coming weekend but the one after will be PUCKIN' AWESOME!

To the 95th in just 43

Currently, the Taipei 101 building in Taiwan holds the record for fastest lift - it can travel up to 60.6 km/h. But the game is about to change - Hitachi has said it will install a lift capable of reaching speeds of 72 km/h into a skyscraper in mainland China. The lift, the fastest in the world, would take 43 seconds to go from the first to 95th floor in the Guangzhou CTF Financial Centre (just under half a second per floor). The skyscraper is scheduled to be completed in 2016. Hitachi promised a "comfortable ride" even at high speeds in the new lift, but that's going to be a bit of a tall order. Protecting passengers from discomfort is a big challenge for high-speed lifts. When you're travelling that distance, you're going to get pressures on your ears changing. That's probably the most significant problem with high-speed travel in buildings - people suffer some pain. And there's also the possibility that somebody will come up with an even faster lift. But still, this is impressive.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Letting David Moyes continue as manager of Man United

Seriously, guys, if you think Moyes is still the right guy to be stepping in Sir Alex's shoes, then stop huffing whatever solvents you're on and THINK. When Sir Alex signed on as manager in 1986, he took a team on the brink of certain relegation and by the end of the 80s turned them into the serious title contenders they've been ever since. David Moyes, on the other hand, has ruined Sir Alex's legacy in the space of less than one season. The team have no hope of winning the Premiership title or even a spot in next season's Champions League. United is seventh in the English Premier League in defence of its title, with a 2-0 loss at Everton ensuring the club will miss out on Champions League qualification for the first time in 19 years. Moyes was hand-picked by Alex Ferguson, who ended his 27-year reign as manager at the end of last season, and given a six-year deal at Old Trafford last May in the hope he could create another dynasty at a club that preaches the values of stability. He guided United to the quarter-finals of the Champions League, losing to Bayern Munich, but the team's domestic form has been woeful by its high standards. The team might not even get a spot in the Europa League next season, and the club has thankfully had enough. Moyes is being sacked by Manchester United following a nightmare season in charge, but he won’t be walking away empty handed. While many of us would simply be thrown out of the door with our P45’s if we were sacked from our jobs, Moyes is set to be paid off for his failure. According to various reports, the former Everton boss will be given a £5 million (which is five million too much considering the mess he made of the season) by United in return for the termination of his contract. Moyes’ deal still has five seasons left to run, but in failing to qualify for the Champions League this term, United officials can activate a clause that means they can get rid of the Scot – for just one season’s wages. Sir Alex, if you're reading this, you picked the wrong person to replace you. Just because you're both from Scotland doesn't make him the right person for the job. Moyes didn't win jack during his time at Everton, so how do you expect him to keep Man United at the top of their game? And after appointing the wrong man to replace Sir Alex Ferguson, it is vital that United get it right this time, but who should they go for? Jürgen Klopp seems to be the most popular man amongst the fans thanks to his success with Borussia Dortmund. He joined the German club in 2008 on the back of them finishing 13th in the league. At the end of his first season they won the DFB-Supercup, beating Bayern Munich in the final, and finished sixth in the league. The following season they finished fifth, before winning consecutive titles in the two years that followed. Robert Lewandowski, Ilkay Gundogan, Mats Hummels, and Maro Reus are amongst some of his quality buys for little money, which is something that will certainly impress the Glazers. However, there are others. For instance, Louis van Gaal is also another popular candidate and his attacking football would certainly impress United fans. His CV is ridiculously impressive, having won league titles with Barcelona, Bayern Munich, and Ajax, as well as the Champions League and various other European trophies. Van Gaal will be available after the World Cup as he is due to leave his position as coach of the Dutch national team, and his relationship with Robin van Persie wouldn’t do his chances of getting the United job any harm either. But whoever it is, at least it won't be Moyes again.

Now ends the story of Hurricane, the boxing legend died yesterday

Now for even sadder news (depending on how you want to take it): Manchester United suffered a disappointing defeat at Goodison Park this morning to end a run of four league away wins, while definitively ruling the Reds out of a Champions League qualification spot and denting hopes of finishing in the top six. David Moyes returned to his former club but endured a hugely frustrating afternoon as his side controlled large swathes of possession but were met by Everton's direct, clinical approach, which brought first-half goals for Leighton Baines and Kevin Mirallas. Also, four players received yellow cards.

Big Prowler On Campus

Police in Wellington are looking for a man whom they believe has committed two separate attacks on women. Early this morning, a woman was attacked while walking home to her Victoria University student accommodation. Police say the woman was aware of a previous attack and had walked home from work with two other people. She was attacked when she was alone, as she went up the path to her building at about 3am. The man indecently assaulted her, then ran off when she screamed. Yesterday morning, a woman was grabbed as she walked home in the same area at 1.55am. A man has been lurking in the area and there have been other incidents previously. Detective Senior Sergeant Warwick McKee says the two incidents appear connected. He says the offender is described as a Pakeha (white or Caucasian) in his mid-20s, of medium build, with light facial hair. Whoever he is, if you're reading this, I'd advise you to stop it and give yourself up. This sort of rubbish is not on.

1500 POSTS!

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: Divergent

Based on the book by Veronica Roth, the story for this week's Film Beat takes place in a dystopian post-apocalyptic version of Chicago where people are divided into distinct factions based on human virtues. It is one of the best movies so far this year. If you haven't seen it, then you're really missing out. It is definitely on its way to becoming the next Hunger Games. Go see it. No, really, go see it. You'll thank me later.

iCroscope - The Lens of Tomorrow

A lens that sticks to any device's camera and makes it possible to see things magnified dozens of times on the screen can turn any smartphone or tablet computer into a hand-held microscope. The soft, pliable lens currently magnifies by 15 times, but researchers are creating an improved version that will magnify objects up to 150 times. The lens sticks to a device's camera without any adhesive or glue and has been built by Thomas Larson, a University of Washington mechanical engineering alumnus. "A microscope is a tool you can do thousands of different things with and by making it cheaper, portable, and able to take pictures, you open so many different possibilities that weren't available before," Larson said. I can't wait for that huge waste of money to hit shelves, but while we wait, there is a possibility that Apple could be working on integrating Shazam's song identification tech directly into iOS 8. Song recognition apps including Shazam and SoundHound are already widely available across mobile platforms, but Apple could make it more commonplace by making this functionality part of its device and software ecosystem. Songs identified through the feature could then be matched against the iTunes catalog and offered for purchase. Speaking of song, an English-language song has finally joined Gangnam Style in the billion views club. That's right, Baby by Justin Bieber has 1,021,424,664 views on YouTube at time of posting. Nice going, bellends. You sure know good music when you hear it. There are much better songs that could've reached a billion views before Justin Bieber's one.

Have Sun, Will Travel

Their CVs combined look like the envy of all bona fide air adventurers. Pioneering ultralight aircraft? Been there. Setting world records by circling the globe nonstop in a balloon? Done that. Commanding the first ever 24-hour flight on a plane powered just by the sun? Yep, you've guessed it. And now, following 12 years of complex designs and intense training, aviation pioneers Bertrand Piccard and Andre Borschberg are set to conquer new heights, taking up the challenge of the first solar flight around the globe. The Swiss duo unveiled last week Solar Impulse 2, a revolutionary aircraft designed to achieve the longest ever flight in the history of aviation in terms of duration for a single pilot. It will attempt to fly non-stop for 120 hours (yes, that's five successive days and nights) over oceans and continents without a drop of fuel. Made of carbon fiber, Solar Impulse 2 is the evolution of a prototype that has smashed several aviation records in recent years, including the first fully solar-powered overnight flight lasting 26 hours in 2010. The upgraded plane has a huge wingspan of 72 meters (wider than a standard Boeing 747) and weighs only 2,300 kilos - that's about as heavy as a family car. Its wings are covered with a skin of 17,000 solar cells that supply four electric motors with renewable energy, while its custom-made lithium batteries are able to store enough solar energy throughout the day to keep the ultralight plane flying at night. So basically, what they have now is the first airplane in the world which has unlimited endurance. It can fly a day and a night, it can fly a week, it can fly a month - theoretically it can fly a year. And it can fly for such an extended period of time without a single drop of fuel. This begs the question: what will clean energy come up with next?

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Bullying

If a more recent episode of South Park is anything to go by, bullying isn't cool. Bullying is lame. Bullying is ugly and has a stupid name. For a healthy world, bullying's unfit, and I think I know what we should do to it. And a start has been made in Ohio, where one such bellend got what was coming to him - he was sentenced by a judge to spend five hours on Sunday wearing a sign reading "I AM A BULLY" at a busy suburban Cleveland intersection, and was greeted by a boisterous stream of honking car horns, jeers, and insults. The man, 62-year-old Edmond Aviv, who was clad in a hat and dark sunglasses, sat slumped in a green plastic chair holding the cardboard sign that is punishment for his treatment of a neighbor, whose husband suffers from dementia, and her seven children, several of whom have disabilities and use wheelchairs - specifically, he would call the neighbor, Sandra Prugh, "Monkey Mama" as she held her adopted African-American children, and he would smear dog poo on their wheelchair ramp. Aviv pleaded no contest (similar to a guilty plea) to fourth-degree disorderly conduct in March. South Euclid Municipal Court Judge Gayle Williams-Byers sentenced him to spend five hours on Sunday wearing a placard that must be readable from 25 feet (7.5 metres) away. The judge also sentenced Aviv to 15 days in jail, seven months' probation, 100 hours of community service, anger management classes, and mental-health counseling, according to court records. A probation officer was on hand on Sunday to protect Aviv and make sure he served out his sentence. His sign (pictured) reads: "I AM A BULLY! I pick on children that are disabled, and I am intolerant of those that are different from myself. My actions do not reflect an appreciation for the diverse South Euclid community that I live in." Among the many people who stopped to see Aviv serve his sentence was Alex Simmons, a former neighbor who said Aviv would call out racial slurs to people passing by. "Parents told us to stay away from the house. He would just stand on the porch and just call us names," Simmons said, adding, "Justice had been served."

Tobacco companies to be smoked out by insurance firm

South Korea’s national health insurance body sued three cigarette makers for at least 53.7 billion won as compensation for health-care costs linked to smoking-related diseases. National Health Insurance Service filed the suit against KT&G, the former state-run cigarette maker privatized in 2002, as well as the local units of Philip Morris and British American Tobacco, in Seoul Central District Court, in a lawsuit which marks the first time a national agency has sought damages against an industry in which South Korea’s government was previously a key participant. The Korea Tobacco Association, which represents cigarette makers in South Korea, said in January the insurer’s proposed lawsuit has no legal merit based on past court rulings in favor of tobacco producers. That little aside is not necessarily true as legal precedent doesn't always suit the circumstances and attitudes of several months or years after it has been set. Speaking of attitude, Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell seems to have the correct attitude about Major League Baseball's new instant replay system. With the New York Yankees leading 7-4 in the bottom of the eighth, shortstop Dean Anna smacked a base hit to right field off Red Sox reliever Burke Badenhop. Anna slid safely into second base for a double, but then apparently took his foot off the bag while shortstop Xander Bogaerts was applying the tag. "I felt like I was on the whole time," Anna said. Red Sox manager John Farrell challenged the call, but it was upheld after video review. MLB addressed the situation after the game, acknowledging the call should have been overturned. The botched call did not affect the outcome of the game, however, as Badenhop retired the next two batters to end the inning. The Yankees won, 7-4.

Juiced in 30 Seconds

A battery that can charge in under 30 seconds has been shown off at a technology conference in Tel Aviv. Israeli start-up StoreDot displayed the device - made of biological structures - at Microsoft's Think Next Conference. A Samsung S4 smartphone went from a dead battery to full power in 26 seconds in the demonstration. The battery is currently only a prototype and the firm predicts it will take three years to become a commercially viable product. This really is an impressive product, but not as impressive as if somebody at the very least finds the black box on Flight 370. Speaking of which, the crew of a Royal Navy ship have been diverted from gathering data on its way from Oman to the Seychelles to help in the search. HMS Echo is helping to scour the southern Indian Ocean after Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 vanished with 239 people on board on 8 March. Sonar "pings" were detected last week by search teams - but no new signals have been confirmed since last Tuesday. The ship, whose specialist equipment has been adapted to pick up signals from the plane's black box flight recorders, arrived in the search area on Thursday. But those involved in the search believe time could be running out because the battery life of a black box usually lasts for only a month - and that window has passed, but if the battery could recharge in 30 seconds, then there could still be hope for its discovery.

Allegiant to be cleft in twain

Put an ear to the ocean and listen carefully, but beware. The water may play tricks on you. Are you sure you heard a ping from a black box, and if so, where did it come from? If you're searching for a locator pinger from missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, the answers to those questions are crucial to your success at finding it. The small box may have sunk into mushy silt on the pitch dark floor of the ocean, under nearly three miles of water where the pressure is so great that it can crush a submarine. So, zero in on the source of those pings, if you can. It won't be easy, given the way water behaves in the deep seas. But there are some tools out there that can help - a diving suit and a flashlight. Take those two things with you, and remember that despite being called a black box, it's actually coloured bright orange to help you find it. But just like The Deathly Hallows, Breaking Dawn, and Mockingjay before it, Allegiant will be split into two films. That's right - as was done with prior popular series, the final installment of the Divergent movies will be split into two. Adapted from the best-selling young adult novels by Veronica Roth, the Divergent series only contains three titles: Divergent, Insurgent, and Allegiant. The first adaptation, Divergent, had mixed reviews but nonetheless conquered the box office, earning $139 million worldwide in less than four weeks. The follow-up Insurgent is already slated to arrive on March 20, 2015. With the sequels arriving fast and furious, Lionsgate is stretching the conclusion of Divergent out a bit: part 1 of Allegiant will arrive on March 16, 2016, and part 2 on March 24, 2017, at which point it would've been over three years so they'd better have found Flight 370's black box by then.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: Noah

As promised, I will start tonight's post with a review of the most recent episode of The Crazy Ones, which actually didn't feature as much of Pam Dawber as I was hoping, although at one point near the end, she did say to Robin Williams (in character as Simon Roberts) that he was "like an alien" (does that remind you of another of Robin Williams' crazy characters?) and to "call me when you get your meds right." The side-story with a co-worker being annoyingly nice to Andrew Keanelly after he returned her keys was almost as good. If you want your own copy, it's on The Pirate Bay right now - click here and get downloading.

Now onto the film review for this week. If you haven't seen Noah yet, then you really need to. Darren Aronofsky did quite a good job on this movie, as did its main star Russell Crowe. But don't just take my word for it - it received generally positive reviews from critics, however, also had multiple pointedly negative reviews. How about you see it and then make up your own mind about it?

The big day's almost here

9:30pm Eastern and Pacific, 8:30pm Central and Mountain. Fans of The Crazy Ones need to mark that time in their diaries if they haven't done so already, because that's when Robin Williams will reunite with his Mork and Mindy co-star Pam Dawber. For those who don't care about that, you should still watch it because David Copperfield (the magician who made the Statue of Liberty disappear) will also guest-star. However, because I'm situated in New Zealand (outside of the US and Canada) and not even interested in looking up the local air dates, I will have to resort to downloading it off The Pirate Bay shortly after its original airing. To give you an idea of the time difference that I also have to take into account, it will be 1:30 tomorrow afternoon in New Zealand by the time it airs, which means I can watch it then review it before tomorrow night's Film Beat.

Marvel up against DC

In March, news surfaced that Captain America 3 was the mystery May 6th, 2016 release from Marvel Studios that was already in place when Warner Bros. pushed their Man of Steel sequel (frequently called Batman vs. Superman) to the same date. With two superheroes coming together for the first time on the big screen, Warner Bros. and DC Entertainment were certain Marvel wouldn't dare go head-to-head with their blockbuster, especially with a superhero that didn't break $200 million at the domestic box office. But this week, Marvel confirmed that Captain America 3, hot on the heels of the huge success that Captain America: The Winter Soldier enjoyed last weekend, would indeed hit the summer 2016 release. Now what? Dan Fellman, the president of domestic distribution for Warner Bros., says that they have no intention of moving their film either. Fellman stated, "It doesn’t make a lot of sense for two huge superhero films to open on the same date but there is a lot of time between now and 5/6/16. However at this time, we are not considering a change of date for Batman vs. Superman." Neither studio is going to win in this scenario, because both will have less box office bank than if they took different weekends in the summer of 2016. So who needs to bail? David Moyes, that's who. Manchester United are 17 points behind the current leaders and there is no way they can win the Premiership with just five games left. But at least we get to see Robin Williams and Pam Dawber work together for the first time in 32 years on the next episode of The Crazy Ones, which is less than 48 hours away at time of posting.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Letting kids play with guns

A two-year-old boy shot dead his 11-year-old sister while they and their siblings played with a gun inside their Philadelphia home. Jamara Stevens was fatally wounded with a gun police believe was brought into the house by the mother’s boyfriend a few hours earlier. Their mum, Tiffany Goldwire, had popped to the bathroom when the shooting happened. According to police, the family’s four children were playing together in a bedroom when the toddler pointed the cocked handgun at Jamara and fired, hitting her in the arm around 10am (Eastern Daylight Time) on Saturday. The bullet travelled through the schoolgirl’s chest and struck her heart. This is why you shouldn't let toddlers play with guns. How would you expect them to know what they're doing with it? And how would you expect them to know those things can kill? Guns should be left only to those who know what they're getting into.

Pakistani cops put baby in the wrong corner

Mohammad Musa might not be old enough to have taken his first step or sounded his first word, but that has not stopped a Pakistani court from charging the 9-month-old boy with attempted murder. The infant, along with his father and other family members, were booked for allegedly attacking police and gas company officials with rocks and wooden rods in a working class neighborhood of Lahore on February 1. Inspector Kashif Muhammad, who was in charge of the alleged crime scene and has since been suspended, wrote in his First Incident Report that it was a case of attempted murder. Mohammad appeared before a judge on Friday sitting on his father's lap and clasping a bottle. He began crying in court and was ultimately given bail. His grandfather at one point had to take his thumb and dip it in ink to place his print on the bail bond, as he was incapable of signing it himself. The case has been adjourned until April 12, at which point the child is expected to make an appearance. The grandfather, 50-year-old Mohammad Yasin, claims the police had fabricated the charges because they were colluding in a plot to illegally evict them from their land and had illicitly obtained an order to sever their gas connection. “The police and gas company officials came without any notice and started removing gas meters from houses. Residents started protesting and blocked the road but ended the protest when senior police officers arrived in the area and assured them that no injustice would be done,” Yasin told AFP, adding "but later we found out that cases have been filed against us." The child's father, Mohammad Ahmed, said police had registered a fake case against 25 people in total, including him and his son. The charge runs counter to Pakistan's minimum age of criminal responsibility, which was increased from seven to 12 years of age in 2013 except in terror-related cases. The judge, however, chose not to dismiss the case against the child, claiming it was not within his jurisdiction. The family's lawyer, Chaudhry Irfan Sadiq, said the charges against the child should have been dropped, and rightly so because a nine month old can never commit such a crime. The court should have simply referred the minor's case to the High Court to drop the charges against the innocent child and acquit him from the case. There's no excuse for this crap. Police officers shouldn't be filing fake charges against little children. What if that had been my niece (pictured with exciting news) in the dock?

Moyes finally pulling his weight

Manchester United go into this week’s Champions League quarter-final return with Bayern Munich in great heart after two goals from Juan Mata, then one each from Javier Hernandez and Adnan Januzaj, set up a splendid 4-0 success this morning against Newcastle United. David Moyes’ much-changed side coped admirably at St James Park despite the absence of big names David De Gea, Rafael, Nemanja Vidic, Rio Ferdinand, Michael Carrick, Wayne Rooney, and Danny Welbeck. Only one yellow card was shown.

Ewe gotta be kidding

Nope. I kid you not: a rare, hybrid animal that is part goat and part sheep has been born on a farm in the Republic of Ireland. The animal, referred to as a geep, was born about two weeks ago on Paddy Murphy's farm in County Kildare. The unexpected arrival is thought to be the result of mating between a goat and one of the sheep farmer's Cheviot ewes. Mr Murphy said the cross-breeding was not intentional. He described it as a "pure shock to the system" and said it would be a "one-off" event on his farm. I wouldn't be so quick to leave the cross-breeding game just yet: the geep appeared to be healthy and thriving, and was able to run faster than other lambs that were born around the same time. This is really something that should be done more often, and in time, they can start harvesting wool, milk, and meat from the hybrid animals, pumping more money into the economy.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: Captain America: The Winter Soldier

This latest entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe really helped the Marvel brand to live up to its name, and the 3D effects were really impressive. Even though it's only been in theatres for a day or maybe two at most, early box office figures are good (there's a good possibility the opening weekend gross in North America will beat the US$65 million of Captain America: The First Avenger back in 2011), as is critical reception (Rotten Tomatoes reported an 88% approval rating with an average rating of 7.6/10 based on 134 reviews, and Metacritic assigned a score of 71 out of 100 based on 8 reviews). If you haven't seen this movie yet, you most certainly need to. You'll thank me later.

Creation myth and "scientific research" program well and truly busted

To be a Young Earth creationist is to hold a truly unique place in the history of wrongness. These religious ideologues don't just deny human evolution; their belief in a universe that is only a few thousand years old commits them to an enormity of other errors, including many beliefs that fly in the face of modern physics. Last weekend's episode of Cosmos, devoted to explaining the nature of space, time, and the speed of light, presented a stunning case in point. For as host Neil deGrasse Tyson explained, if creationists were right about the extreme youth of the universe, then we wouldn't even be able to see the vast majority of the stars in the sky. The Hubble Space Telescope? Not a very worthwhile investment. The logic is unavoidable: light travels at a fixed speed of almost 300,000 km per second (over one billion km/h). Because of this, many objects in the universe are many "light-years" away from us, where a light-year is simply the distance light travels in the space of the year. As an example, Tyson presented one particular object, the Crab Nebula, which just happens to be 6,500 light years from Earth. This means that when you look at it, what you're actually seeing is the nebula as it was 6,500 years ago (pictured). But it wasn't just Young Earth creationism that got put in its place over the last few days - Japan says it is cancelling its annual Antarctic whaling hunt for the first time in more than a quarter of a century in line with a UN court ruling. A “deeply disappointed” Tokyo earlier this week said it would honour Tuesday’s judgment by the United Nations’ Hague-based International Court of Justice (ICJ) that the program was a commercial activity disguised as science. Tokyo, however, did not exclude the possibility of future whaling programs. Officials have stated the next Antarctic hunt, which would have started in late 2014, had been scrapped, just weeks after the most recent one finished. “We have decided to cancel research whaling (in the Antarctic) for the fiscal year starting in April because of the recent ruling,” a fisheries agency official said. But he added that “we plan to go ahead with research whaling in other areas as scheduled”, including the northern Pacific. Japan also has a coastal whaling program that is not covered by a commercial whaling ban, but they should be careful - in fact, Japan should not miss this opportunity to use the ruling as an excuse to fully review its whaling program without losing face. They can start by cutting back on whaling until populations can recover, then put a more sustainable whaling program in place from thereon in.

When wall and factory fall

Structural checks are to be carried out on schools across Edinburgh, after a 12-year-old girl died when a "free-standing wall" collapsed on her. The girl, named locally and on social media as Keane Wallis-Bennett, was fatally injured at Liberton High School yesterday. Scotland's First Minister Alex Salmond promised a rigorous investigation into the accident. The city council said it would survey all similar walls in its schools as a "precaution". Pupils were sent home after the incident, which happened just before 10am British Summer Time, and the school is to remain closed for the rest of the week. Building surveyors will carry out a full check at the school before pupils return after the Easter break in three weeks. That's the bad news, but here's some good news: tobacco giant Philip Morris says it will cease production of cigarettes at its factory in Moorabbin, Australia. The closure of the factory, which has been in operation for nearly 60 years, will lead to a loss of 180 jobs. The company said Australia's regulations regarding cigarette production were a factor in its decision. Philip Morris said all cigarette production for the Australian market would be moved to its plant in South Korea. "This is an extremely difficult decision, and devastating news for all of our employees," said John Gledhill, Philip Morris's managing director for Australia, New Zealand, and the Pacific Islands, in a statement. "With any significant export opportunity restricted by Australian government regulations, our Moorabbin factory is significantly underutilised, operating at less than half of its currently installed capacity. Regrettably, factors beyond our control prevent us from fully utilising the facility, and accordingly it's been identified for closure." When that goes ahead, somebody else can take over and repurpose it for something of much more worth to the Earth of 2014 than tobacco (be it an outlet mall, apartment building, hospital, another factory, offices, or whatever), and maybe bring more jobs to the area.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Getting your hopes up

I have some bad news for those fans of The Crazy Ones who were looking forward to next Thursday’s episode. You may have heard that Pam Dawber, who was Robin Williams’ co-star on Mork and Mindy, would be featuring in the episode Love Sucks, scheduled to air on CBS in the States and Citytv in Canada at 9:30pm Eastern Daylight Time on April 10 (1:30pm the following afternoon New Zealand Standard Time). That turned out to be a cruel April Fool’s joke, and the role of Lily will actually be played in that episode by Justin Bieber, who was heavily made up to look like a 62-year-old woman. I hope the cowards who were behind such a heartless bait-and-switch die a slow and painful death before that episode airs. Maybe it was just Robin Williams’ then-ongoing coke addiction, but Mork and Mindy is one of the funniest shows from before my time and I was looking forward to seeing the two main stars reuniting.