It was the wrong phoqueing dress

 Another month is over, and so another must enter the Sick Phoque Club. The inductee for March 2018 is an eBay seller from West Grove, Pennsylvania going by the name Terri Ferkler (user name is ferk1212). Why? Quite simple, really: she sent me the wrong dress. I paid for this:

 

But got this instead: 

The first egg in the egg hunt

Heavy cancer claps down hard

Kevin Daly was worried that even when he lost 34 pounds, his beer belly wasn’t going away. “I don't even like beer,” he explained to the New York Daily News. “I was lean. I'm 6'3" and very athletic.” The financial planner shed the weight in 2015 after he had open-heart surgery, but he and his wife Rachelle were baffled when his stomach didn’t go down. The 63-year-old told the newspaper, “I thought they literally left stuffing and tools in me from surgery.” But it wasn't stuffing and tools - the financial planner, from Hoboken, N.J., was eventually diagnosed with liposarcoma — a rare cancer that develops in the fat cells of soft tissue. Typically, patients can gain 10 to 20 pounds because some tumors can be very large, but a tumor in the abdomen may be tough to diagnose because patients may think they’ve gained weight. The tumor (pictured) was nearly triple the size the surgical team expected it to be, and that it had wrapped around one of Daly’s kidneys. Doctors believe it took 10 to 15 years for the mass to grow to the size it did.

 

But unfortunately cutting out the problem won't work on everything, and it isn't going to work on a man in the UK has caught the world's "worst-ever" case of super-gonorrhoea. He had a regular partner in the UK, but picked up the superbug after a sexual encounter with a woman in South East Asia (read: she probably has a penis). Public Health England says it is the first time the infection cannot be cured with first choice antibiotics. The main antibiotic treatment - a combination of azithromycin and ceftriaxone - may have failed to treat the disease, but analysis of the man's infection suggests one last antibiotic could work. He is currently being treated and doctors will see if it has been successful next month.

Queen Trump-killer II

 

Why cars shouldn't own the road

 

'Twas the bosom what won it

 

Cartman before Caitlyn before Lance

 

The glaring truth

 

Free food like a motherphoquer

 

Behold the man who is a bean

 

The damage a vaccine can do

 

Today we don't feel like doing anything

 

He'll be cuttin' down the mountain when he cuts

 

House for sale, MF! Do you speak it?

Fans of Quentin Tarantino‘s Pulp Fiction can all remember the scene when John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson‘s characters — Vincent and Jules — ask Tarantino’s character, Jimmie, for help after accidentally shooting a man. Now the West Los Angeles home that served as the location for one of the most memorable scenes in Pulp Fiction is up for sale. Located in Studio City, the modest single-story, three-bedroom, two-bathroom residence has an asking price of $1,395,000 million USD according to real estate firm The Agency. The firm’s listing notes the house’s proximity to restaurants and location within an “award-winning” school district, as well as its place in Hollywood history, “This unique property served as the house for the character ‘Jimmy’ in the classic film Pulp Fiction.” The listing continues to state the home boasts an “[a]mazing development opportunity with plans and permits fully approved and paid for” along with “shovel ready to begin construction on an approximately 4,200 square-foot residence (including garage and patio).” For those looking to own a piece of cinematic history, you can head over <a href="http://www.theagencyre.com/listing/sl1806562-4145-kraft-avenue-studio-city/">here</a> for more details. But if you want to spend your hard-earned millions on Royales with Cheese, it's your call, but you won't have any additional dead person of colour storage.

For all those ready to get hungover

 

Some humans are just as bad as the bacteria all life descended from

 

The Booth of Obama

 

Today we lost the brightest star in our galaxy

 

To our final Yogi Award recipient for 2018

Thank you, Leo, for being smarter than the average dog. 

Eight is Not Enough

And that's because Disseminators of the Truth ain't quite done with that yet - we're just getting started. This is where today's Yogi Award recipient comes in. It's for those who are not afraid to speak their mind and tell it like it is. Yes, boys and girls, I'm talking about those social movements that were smarter than the average movement. And I mean the ones that weren't afraid to divide in the push for change, like the anthem protests during the NFL and the #TimesUp and #MeToo movements. If people power can bring a seemingly unstoppable juggernaut to its knees, then it's worthy of recognition.

Reds win again as blog reaches 8 years

Marcus Rashford at his brilliant lethal best was Jose Mourinho’s ace up his sleeve that saw Manchester United beat rivals Liverpool in an Old Trafford thriller. The Mancunian scored twice in the first half as United made an electrifying start but the hosts then had to endure an attempted comeback by the Merseysiders, boosted by an Eric Bailly own goal in the 66th minute. A stubborn response to Liverpool's recovery and a rediscovered taste for the big-rival scalps - Chelsea were beaten in the last home game, of course - meant that United survived a nail-biting finale and extended the gap between second and third place to five points ahead of the weekend's other Premier League fixtures.

But enough about all that because this blog turns eight tomorrow, and as per the tradition at this time of year, we honour three people or groups who were smarter than the average with the Yogi Awards. Today's one goes to the organisers of last week's Oscars. They were smarter than the average in that they didn't muck up the Best Picture award like they did last year. The Shape of Water actually did deserve to win. But it would have been nice to have a woman win Best Director.

Luke Skywalker - the true Guardian of the Galaxy

 

So it was all a lie... or was it?

Only the lowest form of human filth would have the temerity to accuse victims of the Florida massacre of staging the mass shooting to make a push for tighter gun laws. There was also a gang of Republicans who accused the student activists of being hired actors. Cobb County Republican Party vice chair Michael Davis just disgusted the nation by posting a video on Facebook that allegedly portrays footage of students rehearsing ahead of the “fake shooting aired by NBC,” as reported by Georgia’s WXIA. Cobb County GOP Chairman Jason Shepherd responded to Davis’ post in the following statement: “Maybe 11Alive should focus on the fact these so-called ‘student lead’ protests are anything but with left winged organizations from the ACLU to the SCLC just in Cobb County when it opens the door legally for outside political organizations using students to disrupt the school day when the US is already ranked near the bottom in education among industrialized nations.” He continued, “If a school district opens the door to one, then under Equal Protection they must allow any group of students to stage walkouts. What will this do to education in America?” These straw man arguments are getting old. Republicans need to address the elephant in the room aka the NRA, and they need to address it now. And maybe the Second Amendment needs to go as well.

Could have changed the name to McDonna or made the arches pink

 

No soap, dead inventor!

 

Red Devils smash Palace

Manchester United fought back from two goals down to claim a sensational victory thanks to a Nemanja Matic winner in added time under the lights at Selhurst Park. Andros Townsend put Crystal Palace ahead in the first half and Patrick van Aanholt doubled their lead early in the second, but the Reds roared back with goals from Chris Smalling, Romelu Lukaku, and of course Matic. The Serbian's first goal in the United shirt, a dipping, left-footed effort from distance, sent the travelling fans into delirium and lifted the Reds back into second place in the Premier League table. While second is good enough for a spot in the Champions League, it's still not enough for the Premiership silverware.

The Shape of Winning

It's official - The Shape of Water has won Best Picture at the 90th Academy Awards, and is the first since Spotlight to do so without the envelope switcheroo that took place last year. But a sequel would be in order right about now because everybody knows at this point that you haven’t really made it until you’ve got one of those fancy cinematic universes, filled to the brim with cameos and after-credit scenes and wiki pages keeping meticulous track of the status of Samuel L. Jackson’s eye patch. So who can blame Greta Gerwig - who was nominated for Best Director at the Oscars for her recent coming-of-age hit Lady Bird (but lost to somebody with a PENIS of all appendages) - for wanting to get in on that densely mythologic action? Not that Gerwig intends to shove a couple of Infinity Stones into her gentle teen dramedy, or even revisit the life of Lady Bird McPherson - rather, it’s her home town of Sacramento, California that’s got her interested. The director recently told Vanity Fair that she’s hoping to make a cycle of films set in the California capital, settling on a quartet as a good, even number. “There’s still lots of different parts of Sacramento that I’d like to explore, too,” she told interviewers. “I feel like I have the privilege of being from a place, and I’m really from that place. My family’s still there, and my friends are still there. I feel like I can actually speak to it with some feeling.” Despite Lady Bird’s own teenage judgment of it as a place divorced from real culture - like New Hampshire - the city has embraced the film’s affectionate eye on it. There are walking tours of the city devoted to the film, showcasing sites like Thrift Town, or the big blue house that serves as Lady Bird’s dream home, and the city’s tourism board have called the film “a little gem that drops out of the sky.”

The Fine Arm of Teaching

 

Just let it go already!

Cold as phoque

The Luigi of the week