And the wait is finally over!

To that end, the co-Bellends of the Month for February 2016 are all you pricks out there who didn't believe he could ever do it. But enough about that because Marcus Rashford scored two goals and set up another as Manchester United secured a dramatic 3-2 victory over Barclays Premier League rivals Arsenal. The young striker repeated his midweek debut heroics, firing United into a 2-0 lead with a double in three first-half minutes, but former Red Danny Welbeck pulled one back five minutes before the break. Rashford was involved again with 25 minutes remaining, teeing up Ander Herrera to add a third, and Mezut Ozil's reply proved in vain for Arsene Wenger's side. Ahead of the game, the Reds were boosted by the news of David De Gea's return to the starting line-up, in one of two changes from the side that beat Midtjylland on Thursday. Marcos Rojo was also named on the teamsheet, having come on as a late substitute against the Danish champions. As expected, both sides were eager to make an early impression and came out of the traps quickly. The first chance was a significant one and fell at the feet of Nacho Monreal, who was found superbly by Ozil on six minutes but couldn't beat De Gea from close range. A few more three-pointers like that and the Reds may soon be on the road to Premiership glory.

And you thought the FBI had no sense of logic

Apple shall overcome

Decryption? Not our future

As expected, Apple has filed a motion to vacate a federal court order that would require it to assist the FBI in unlocking an iPhone linked to San Bernardino terror suspect Syed Rizwan Farook, saying law enforcement demands for a "Government OS" set a dangerous precedent for the public at large. The filing was entered into record earlier today by Apple lawyers Theodore Olson and Theodore Boutrous is comprehensive but expectedly narrow in scope. At its core, Apple's case targets what it portrays as an overly zealous reading of the All Writs Act of 1789 by a federal magistrate judge, bolstered by First Amendment rights concerns and possible undue burden on the company's operations. The way Apple see this, it's not a case about one isolated iPhone. Rather, this case is about the Department of Justice and the FBI seeking through the courts a dangerous power that Congress and the American people have withheld: the ability to force companies like Apple to undermine the basic security and privacy interests of hundreds of millions of individuals around the globe. The government says "Just this once" and/or "Just this phone." But the government knows those statements are not true; indeed the government has filed multiple other applications for similar orders, some of which are pending in other courts. If this order is permitted to stand, it will only be a matter of days before some other prosecutor, in some other important case, before some other judge, seeks a similar order using this case as precedent. Once the floodgates open, they cannot be closed, and the device security that Apple has worked so tirelessly to achieve will be unwound without so much as a congressional vote. And if it succeeds here against Apple, there is no reason why the government could not deploy its new authority to compel other innocent and unrelated third-parties to do its bidding in the name of law enforcement. For example, under the same legal theories advocated by the government here, the government could argue that it should be permitted to force citizens to do all manner of things "necessary" to assist it in enforcing the laws, like compelling a pharmaceutical company against its will to produce drugs needed to carry out a lethal injection in furtherance of a lawfully issued death warrant, or requiring a journalist to plant a false story in order to help lure out a fugitive, or forcing a software company to insert malicious code in its autoupdate process that makes it easier for the government to conduct court-ordered surveillance. Indeed, under the government's formulation, any party whose assistance is deemed "necessary" by the government falls within the ambit of the All Writs Act and can be compelled to do anything the government needs to effectuate a lawful court order. While these sweeping powers might be nice to have from the government's perspective, they simply are not authorized by law and would violate the Constitution. Speaking of which, there is also the issue of Apple's First Amendment right to free speech, or more specifically protections against compelled speech. "The government here is trying to use this statute from 1789 in a way that it has never been used before. They are seeking a court order to compel Apple to write new software, to compel speech," Boutrous said in an interview this week. "It is not appropriate for the government to obtain through the courts what they couldn't get through the legislative process." If Apple's motion is denied, the company is expected to appeal its case to the 9th Circuit Court. I would love to be on the bench when the Supreme Court hears this one.

The iPhone even Apple can't hack

Today may be the 30th anniversary of the ouster of Ferdinand Marcos, but right now, we have something more important to report: Apple engineers have already begun developing security measures that would make it impossible for the government to break into a locked iPhone using methods similar to those at the center of a court fight in California, according to people close to the company and security experts. If Apple succeeds in upgrading its security – and experts say it almost surely will – the company will create a significant technical challenge for law enforcement agencies, even if the Obama administration wins its fight over access to data stored on an iPhone used by one of the killers in last year’s San Bernardino, Calif., rampage. The FBI would then have to find another way to defeat Apple security, setting up a new cycle of court fights and, yet again, more technical fixes by Apple. The only way out of this back-and-forth, experts say, is for Congress to get involved. Federal wiretapping laws require traditional phone carriers to make their data accessible to law enforcement agencies. But tech companies like Apple and Google are not covered, and they have strongly resisted legislation that would place similar requirements on them. “We are in for an arms race unless and until Congress decides to clarify who has what obligations in situations like this,” said Benjamin Wittes, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution. Companies have always searched for software bugs and patched holes to keep their code secure from hackers. But since the revelations of government surveillance made by Edward Snowden, companies have been retooling their products to protect against government intrusion. Apple built its recent operating systems to protect customer information. As its chief executive, Timothy Cook, wrote in a recent letter to customers, “We have even put that data out of our own reach, because we believe the contents of your iPhone are none of our business.” Let's hope the upcoming Galaxy S7 is at least as secure.

No beta, it's pronounced Tokoroa

A Kiwi doctor's desperate call for a young GP in Tokoroa - with the potential to earn $400,000-plus a year - has been answered overnight by doctors from all around the world. The Waikato doctor took to online job sites at the weekend after four medical recruitment firms had been unable to find a suitable candidate over the past two years. Dr Alan Kenny, who said he would even chuck in half his practice for free, said the catch was the job is not in Auckland and comes with a punishing workload. But after the story was broken yesterday, plenty of eager international applicants have come forward. Doctors with a variety of experience from Portugal, Brazil, Argentina, Spain, Greece, Croatia, Cuba, Turkey, Fiji, and a surgeon and doctor from Venezuela, have emailed to express their interest. A student doctor from Ireland said she would be "on the next flight out" if given the job. But remember - the job is not in Auckland and it comes with a punishing workload.

THE BIG REVIEW: Backdoors

Living proof that American authorities have no chill

And what exactly is this supposed to do?

Go Set a Tombstone

Harper Lee, who wrote one of America's most enduring literary classics, "To Kill a Mockingbird," and surprised readers 55 years later with the publication of a second book about the same characters, has died at the age of 89. A statement from Tonja Carter, Lee's attorney in her hometown of Monroeville, Alabama, said Lee had "passed away early this morning in her sleep" and that the death was unexpected. For decades it had appeared that Lee's sole literary output would be "To Kill a Mockingbird" and the July 2015 publication of "Go Set a Watchman" was a surprising and somewhat controversial literary event. In the first book, Atticus Finch was the adored father of the young narrator Scout and a lawyer who nobly but unsuccessfully defended a black man unjustly accused of raping a white woman. But in "Watchman," an older Atticus had racial views that left the grown-up Scout greatly disillusioned. But what is disillusioning right now is that idiots like Donald Trump and Justin Bieber are still alive while all the wrong people are dying.

Fallout no longer falling out with the German authorities

Having been banned in 2009, Bethesda has successfully overturned Fallout 3’s German ban. IGN reported that Bethesda "initiated a difficult and rarely-successful trial" with the Federal Department for Media Harmful to Minors (BPjM) to de-list the title ahead of the end of its statutory ten year sentence. Doing so would have cost it ‘several thousand Euros’ and involved presenting evidence to a delegate of German officials. "In the case of Fallout 3 the request for de-listing was granted even though only seven years passed since the game was banned," the BPjM said. "The Big Council decided at its meeting on February 4th that Fallout 3 will be removed from the list because its content is no longer classified as harmful to minors from today's perspective." The question, of course, is why did Bethesda bother? And the most obvious answer is that it’s planning a re-release for the game, quite possibly on PS4 and Xbox One. When pressed on this question, Bethesda said it would be able to provide an answer “in a couple of weeks”. But Fallout sucks. I grew up in a time when they made real games like Spyro and Crash Bandicoot.

A smartphone for 251 rupees (less than US$4) - this is something for Apple and Samsung to seriously consider

Sure, but what about the life of whoever has to clean it off?

THE BIG REVIEW: Deadpool

Happy Real Valentine's Day, people!

Goals but no glory

Manchester United fell to an agonising 2-1 defeat at the Stadium of Light as a late Lamine Kone header was diverted into his own net by the unfortunate David de Gea. Whabi Khazri opened the scoring for Sunderland with a third-minute free-kick, before Anthony Martial equalised, but United's defence was breached for a second time as Kone's powerful downward header from a corner rebounded off De Gea to send the Reds home pointless. United boss Louis van Gaal made one change to his starting XI as Morgan Schneiderlin replaced Marouane Fellaini, but there was a new and quite aptly-named youngster on the bench with 21-year-old defender Donald Love included in the matchday squad for the first time on this Valentine's weekend trip to Wearside. Will Keane was also among the seven substitutes as a reward for his recent fine form in the Under-21s. But it takes more than just fine form to win matches - it takes goals and lots of them.

Just one day to go, people

Internet Archive becomes 3.Fun

For retro gaming fans, the Internet Archive is the gift that keeps on giving. Last year, the Archive started hosting thousands of DOS classics, all playable in the web browser. On Wednesday, the Archive opened up its digital doors to Windows 3.1. Yes, '90s kids, this means that you too can now spend copious amounts of time playing Ski Free, Pipe Dream, and Wheel of Fortune: Deluxe Edition in your favorite web browser. More than 1,000 Windows 3.1 games are available. The search functionality for the archive isn't great — mostly because many of the games are named based on the filename and not the game name, but it's easy to browse and peruse some of your favorites. Nearly 300 utilities and business apps are available in the browser too. But I'm more excited about the upcoming Crash Bandicoot game on PS4. Don't screw us, Sony.

Crashing his way onto the PS4 (I hope)

The last time he was in the hands of its original creator, Naughty Dog, was in 1999 with Crash Team Racing. He’s been in a few other hands since then, published by Activision and developed by companies like Radical Entertainment. Now, Sony seems to be teasing some sort of return for the anthropomorphic bandicoot. Is this little more than a community manager gone rogue? Or, is Sony really starting to hype the world for the return of Crash Bandicoot? Since Crash is currently published by Activision, maybe we’re looking at some sort of remaster for the originals before a proper new entry. If Naughty Dog is set to take a break from the likes of Uncharted and The Last of Us in favor of making a brand new Crash game, I might lose my mind. In fact, Insomniac should take a break from Ratchet and Clank and Sunset Overdrive because the world needs a brand new Spyro game (Skylanders doesn't count).

Straight Outta Life

A 1-year-old girl lying in her crib has been fatally shot by a gunman who opened fire outside her family's house in Compton. Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department officials said the gunman got out of a car, walked up to the residence, and fired in the direction of a converted garage where Autumn Johnson, who had just celebrated her birthday last week, lived with her parents. One witness, who declined to give her full name, described hearing several gunshots followed by a woman screaming: “They shot my baby. They shot my baby.” The witness said she called 911 before walking outside, where she saw the baby's sobbing father emerge from the garage with his daughter in his arms. “Someone take my baby to the hospital,” the father said. Deputies who responded to the home near Holly Avenue and San Marcus Street took Autumn to St. Francis Medical Center in Lynwood in their patrol car, Los Angeles County Sheriff's Sgt. Ulysses Cruz said. She was pronounced dead at the hospital. Come on. She was only one. What if that was your kid?

THE BIG REVIEW: Pro wrestling

It may be fake, but the injuries are real.

Reds draw Blues

Manchester United secured an entertaining 1-1 draw at Stamford Bridge, although one point could easily have been three for Louis van Gaal's unfortunate Reds. Jesse Lingard scored the biggest goal of his flourishing career with a superb effort that flew past the impressive Thibaut Courtois, but a potential victory was cruelly taken away by Diego Costa's 91st-minute leveller for Chelsea. The result leaves United fifth in the Barclays Premier League and six points behind fourth-placed Manchester City, yet the spirit that underpinned this performance suggests progress can be made. That can be started by putting the ball in the back of the net while stopping the opposition from doing the same.

Roundabout, Inception Style

CAUTION: Machine-translated menu follows

The one on the bottom is supposed to be jerk chicken.

I believe it's pronounced Luigi

Wikileaker to Wikileak himself out at long last

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange will leave the Ecuadorian embassy in London, where he took refuge in June 2012 to avoid extradition to Sweden, and accept arrest on Friday if a UN panel investigating his case rules against him, he said in a statement. Assange is wanted in Sweden for questioning over allegations of rape in 2010 which the Australian denies. "Should the U.N. announce tomorrow that I have lost my case against the United Kingdom and Sweden, I shall exit the embassy at noon on Friday to accept arrest by British police as there is no meaningful prospect of further appeal," Assange said in the statement posted on the Wikileaks Twitter account. "However, should I prevail and the state parties be found to have acted unlawfully, I expect the immediate return of my passport and the termination of further attempts to arrest me." Assange fears Sweden will extradite him to the United States, where he could be put on trial over WikiLeaks' publication of classified military and diplomatic documents, one of the largest information leaks in U.S. history. The U.N. Working Group on Arbitrary Detention is currently considering a request for relief by Assange, who argued in a submission that his time in the embassy constituted arbitrary detention. Assange argued that he had been deprived of his fundamental liberties, including lack of access to sunlight or fresh air, adequate medical facilities, as well as legal and procedural insecurity, not to mention all the taxpayer pounds spent on the siege. He should stay in there for as long as it takes for the British and Swedish authorities to buckle.

Another three goals, another three points

The current crop of Manchester United players scored three goals the Busby Babes would have been proud of as the Reds sealed an impressive 3-0 win over visitors Stoke City. On a night when the club remembered the Munich Air Disaster of 1958 with various tributes, Louis van Gaal's men - wearing black armbands - produced a suitably exciting performance. A couple of fine first-half finishes, from Jesse Lingard and Anthony Martial, put United in the driving seat at the break, before Wayne Rooney added an excellent third soon after the restart and edged just five goals behind Sir Bobby Charlton’s long-standing club record. But it takes more than just breaking goal records to make a great team - it takes putting the ball in the back of the net, and there seems to be a lot of that recently.

THE BIG REVIEW: Sevens in Dunedin

Southern rugby fans are smelling blood after seeing the half empty stands at the Wellington Sevens. They believe the tournament could get a new lease of life in Dunedin and their campaign has come at just the right time. One particular group of Otago rugby fans are mad about their sport, following the Highlanders all the way to last year's Super Rugby final. They've also enjoyed the festivities at the Wellington Sevens, but reckon it's time for a change. "Landers Army invaded the capital for the Super 15 final -- obviously took the treats up there, and you know now we want to take their event, the Sevens," fan Andrew James says. Once a massive party weekend in the capital, crowds for the tournament have fallen steadily in recent years. Sevens fan and "Bring the 7s to Dunedin" founder Hamish Walker believes moving it south could help reinvigorate the event. I agree - when you look at it, Dunedin's a huge rugby city. Lots and lots of rugby supporters, a lot of students - we've got all the fun happening with all the students. And we've got the perfect stadium. Wellington already has the southernmost of the tournaments, but it can be brought further south, even if just to Christchurch.

2016 so far... but there's still 11 months to go