All stung up and no place to go

We have made it halfway through 2013, and the Bellend of the Month for June 2013 is Larry Goodwin. He was a man from Texas who died after a swarm of Africanized bees disturbed by his tractor attacked, stinging him more than 1,000 times early this month. The bees were living inside an old chicken coop that 62-year-old Goodwin was pushing over to clear off his property, neighbor John Puckett told CNN affiliate KCEN-TV. "He lifted the whole hive and disturbed them all and they just came swarming out of there and trapped him on his tractor," Puckett said. His daughter and neighbors rushed to help, but they said there was nothing they could do to save Goodwin. This is why people shouldn't disturb beehives, especially those of Africanized bees. Africanized honey bees, which are hybrids of African and European bees, can be highly defensive around their nests and swarm more frequently than other honey bees. If Goodwin had been more careful around his hive, he would still be alive today.

Penis chopper off to the cooler

A southern California woman convicted of cutting off the penis of her then-husband and throwing it into a garbage disposal was given a life sentence yesterday with the possibility of parole after seven years, authorities said. Catherine Kieu and her husband were going through a divorce at the time of the July 2011 incident, which was widely compared to the 1993 attack against John Wayne Bobbitt by his then-wife Lorena, who cut off his penis with an 8-inch carving knife while he slept. Kieu laced her husband's dinner with the sleep medication Ambien after they had an argument over a friend possibly staying with them at a later date. When the husband went to sleep, Kieu tied his legs and arms to the four corners of the bed, and when he awoke, she pulled down his pants and severed his penis with a knife. Kieu then threw the severed penis into the garbage disposal, turned it on, and mutilated it. You don't just cut off someone's privates like that, especially if it was over something as stupid as whether or not a friend should stay for a few days. But because Kieu, who is a native of Vietnam, didn't know any better, she will be serving seven years to life for one felony count of torture, one felony count of aggravated mayhem, and a sentencing enhancement for the personal use of a knife. I hope that gives her enough time to reflect on her nasty lapse in judgement.

Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy, Oi Oi Oi

Kevin Rudd has been sworn in as prime minister for a second time, three years after being deposed, and now faces the daunting task of reworking policy and replacing more than one third of the cabinet just months before an election. I wish him luck with that, but there is somebody in Japan who will need it more. That person is Hoji Takahashi, and he is suing Japan's national broadcaster, NHK, for "mental distress" caused by an excessive use of words borrowed from English. Mr. Takahashi is seeking 1.4 million yen (NZ$18000) in damages from NHK. Mr Takahashi, who is a member of a campaign group supporting the Japanese language, highlighted words such as "toraburu" (trouble), "risuku" (risk), and "shisutemu" (system) in NHK's news and entertainment programmes. He accused NHK of irresponsibility by refusing to use native Japanese equivalents. "The basis of his concern is that Japan is being too Americanised," his lawyer Mutsuo Miyata told the news agency AFP. That lawsuit is just stupid. I would never file suit against a TV channel over their choice of language or programming. If he doesn't like the programme, he should watch something else or go tend to his rock garden.

Squeaky clone end for Madiba

For years tyre giant Goodyear has been trying to stem losses at a plant in northern France, but has failed to persuade unions to agree to its plans. Now it wants to close the factory, and the battle has moved to the courts. How much longer can the struggle continue? That's the same question we should be asking about Nelson Mandela. The condition of the former South African leader has deteriorated in the last few days, presidential spokesman Mac Maharaj has said. The announcement came as President Jacob Zuma cancelled a trip to Mozambique following consultations with Mr Mandela's doctors. While the life of a great person is ending, a new life is beginning over in Japan - in mouse form. That's right, scientists in Japan have cloned a mouse from a single drop of blood. Circulating blood cells collected from the tail of a donor mouse were used to produce the clone, a team at the Riken BioResource Center reports in the journal Biology of Reproduction. The female mouse lived a normal lifespan and could give birth to young, say the researchers. Scientists at a linked institute recently created nearly 600 exact genetic copies of one mouse. With numbers like that, there is the possibility that this could be used to restore endangered species to their former glory, so think before you oppose this important scientific development.

Blerk betters the perc

The days of keeping piles of coffee loyalty cards in wallets may be over, thanks to a Hamilton-based civil engineer-turned-coffee maestro. Hendrik van Blerk and his team have developed the new technology on one app and there are plans to take the technology New Zealand-wide. With the app, all loyalty cards can be stored on phones and will register patronage, alert the user to benefits, and renew cards when they have been filled. All users have to do is download the free app for iOS or Android, go to their favourite coffee outlet or cafe, and ask if they are using SmartCoffeeCard. Each participating cafe has a unique QR code. Cafe and coffee outlets get benefits too. SmartCoffeeCard's users are listed on their website with details like the type of beans the cafe uses and a link to the roaster's website. This could be a great app for both coffee shop and customer to look into and potentially benefit from. Also set to benefit from recent developments are pregnant women seeking abortions in Texas, because a vote on a new law which could close most of the abortion clinics in the US state of Texas came too late to pass. The senate had approved the bill, which bans abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy and requires all procedures to take place in surgical centres. But Texas Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst later confirmed that the vote had not met a midnight deadline. This is why meeting deadlines is important. No matter what side you are on regarding abortion or any other hot-button issue, it would be a lot better for you if you meet deadlines as often as possible.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Robbery

That's right, robbery. And yet some people still do it. A man, who tried to rob a group of people waiting in line to buy the new $180 LeBron James sneakers, was shot and killed when one of the customers pulled out a gun. The incident took place before dawn Saturday outside a shoe store in Atlanta's Little Five Points area. The group was waiting for the store to open for the day so they could buy the LeBron X Denim on its first day of release. Police said the man approached the group with a gun in hand and tried to rob them. One of the men in the group, who was not charged with a crime, took out his own handgun and fired at the robber. That bellend deserved to be shot because this is some very serious fire he was playing with. You don't just attempt to rob a bunch of people and expect that your evil plans will succeed. Case in point: last September, I went to see Hotel Transylvania. Even though I had paid extra for a 3D session, the cinema put the 2D version in the projector, ripping off not just me but everyone else who went to that particular screening. But I got the last laugh when I snuck into another 3D session at the same venue the following day. So if you're going to play with that grade of fire, then don't expect not to get burnt.

It's critical now

South Africans are heading to work in a sombre mood as they await news on former President Nelson Mandela. The South African presidency announced on Sunday evening that Mr Mandela had become critical, even though doctors were "doing everything possible". A senior official said South Africans should not hold out "false hopes". Neither should Edward Snowden, who is apparently considering applying for asylum in Ecuador. Washington is urging Moscow to send Snowden back to the United States instead of letting him fly to Ecuador for asylum. Snowden, a computer contractor who exposed details of secret U.S. surveillance programs, is a man on the run. After being holed up in Hong Kong for weeks, he took a flight to Moscow on Sunday, with help from the anti-secrecy group WikiLeaks. His next destination is believed to be Ecuador, who has already given WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange refuge in its embassy in London for a year after he unsuccessfully fought extradition to Sweden in British courts. But he should remember that asylum is granted on a case-by-case basis and just because Assange got asylum doesn't necessarily mean Snowden will. But enough about that because Hostess is betting on a sweet comeback for Twinkies when they return to shelves next month. The company went bankrupt after an acrimonious fight with its unionized workers last year, but is back up and running under new owners and a leaner structure. It says it plans to have Twinkies and other snack cakes back on shelves starting July 15.

1200 POSTS!

Should you skip the bedtime stories and do math problems instead? Laura Overdeck, the founder of "Bedtime Math," thinks so. Her mission: to make math friendlier in a way by introducing kids to math problems at an early age. Here's her plan. You get your kids into their PJs. You tuck them in with a math equation on top of their bedtime story. And you can find a sample of her bedtime math puzzles here. But the question on everybody's minds: will this really be of use to anybody? I know one thing that won't be: roads in part of Bristol city centre have been closed today in the city's first car-free Sunday. Baldwin Street, King Street, and Corn Street are among the roads shut to traffic in Mayor George Ferguson's Make Sunday Special initiative. It is the first of five monthly events aimed at opening up the centre of Bristol for pedestrians. But some people claim Mr Ferguson - who is closing the roads from 9am to 6pm local time - is anti-motorist. The city has been crowned the European Green Capital for 2015 and the traffic free Sunday idea was part of the bid. This has the germ of a good idea. The problem is that UK roads and city centres in particular do not lend themselves to this kind of initiative. And speaking of initiative, here's a poor use for it: nearly 300 children have strangled to death or were seriously injured by window-blind cords since 1996, and at least ten of those have been in military housing where residents often are prohibited from making changes that might have prevented the deaths, according to a safety advocacy group. The deaths have spurred parents into action, but they're tangling with the bureaucratic weight of the Pentagon and limited resources to sound the alarm.

Order and progress at long last?

Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff has unveiled a series of reforms in an attempt to end days of nationwide anti-government protests. The demonstrations began over transport fare rises in Sao Paulo, but quickly grew into rallies across the country against corruption and other issues. In a televised address she said she would draft a new plan to benefit public transport and that all oil royalties would be used in education. She also said that thousands of doctors would be drafted in from overseas to improve the national health service. That's a good plan and I think it will work, but I can think of another way to calm the protesters: yoga. Why yoga? New York's Times Square, one of the world's busiest crossroads, has come to a standstill to allow yoga enthusiasts to mark the summer solstice. The Manhattan square became a sea of yogis exercising in time on their mats, beneath the billboards. Tim Tompkins, co-founder of event, said part of its appeal was finding stillness and calm amid the city rush on the longest day of the year. Into its 11th year, the event has grown from three people to more than 15,000, none of which are affected by an ultimatum given to Google by the UK Information Commissioner's Office. Google have 35 days to delete any remaining data it "mistakenly collected" while taking pictures for its Street View service, or face criminal proceedings. The ICO's investigation into Google reopened last year after further revelations about the data taken from wi-fi networks. During that inquiry, additional discs containing private data were found. Google had previously pledged to destroy all data it had collected, but admitted last year that it had "accidentally" retained the additional discs. The ICO has told the search giant it must inform it if any further discs of information are discovered.

Both systems go

Samsung has unveiled a tablet that can switch between the Windows 8 and Android operating systems. The Ativ Q has a 13.3in (33.8cm) screen that sits over a keyboard that can be folded out for typing or set to act as a stand. In addition, it has a stylus. It comes just over a fortnight after Asus unveiled its own laptop-tablet hybrid which also runs both Microsoft and Google's systems. One analyst said he expected this to be a trend that other firms would follow. "It's a very cost-effective way for manufacturers to offer extra value to consumers at a time when it's very hard to differentiate benefits from one device to another," said Chris Green, who is a principal technology analyst at Davies Murphy Group. "You can tap into the industry-standard Windows productivity solutions - from Office to third-party programs - as well as all the mobile apps of Google's system. It's the logical next step." Bollocks. The logical next step would be to get rid of your rubbish device and get an iPad. Remember - if it's not an Apple, it's crapple.

No tumours for Rufus

A rodent that never gets cancer could hold the key to preventing or treating malignant tumours, say scientists. Lab studies show the skin cells of the naked mole-rat (pictured) are high in a natural sugary substance that stops tumours developing. The findings could lead to new human cancer therapies in the long term. There is one person, however, that won't be around for any of those therapies. That person, James Gandolfini, was the US actor best known for his role as a therapy-seeking mob boss in The Sopranos, and has died at the age of 51. Gandolfini suffered a possible heart attack while on holiday in Rome. The New Jersey-born star had been in Italy to attend the Taormina film festival in Sicily. He won three Emmy awards for his role as Tony Soprano, a mafia boss juggling his criminal career and family life. Rest in peace, Mr. Soprano.

Scottish manager to start career at English club in Wales

New manager David Moyes begins his reign as Manchester United manager with a trip to Swansea on the opening weekend of the season. It has also been confirmed that 33 of Man United's games next season will kick off on a Saturday afternoon at 3pm local time. In non-soccer-related news, Chinese telecommunications firm Huawei has unveiled its latest mobile handset, the Ascend P6. It is the thinnest on the market and has the most powerful front-facing camera on the market, according to the firm. But I will not be buying it because it's not an Apple product. Apple's products are one of the few things in this world that are worth the extra money. But enough about that because it is known to many a parent (and many who are not themselves parents) that getting children to take a nap can be hard. However, getting them to eat pancakes is not nearly as difficult. But how are the two related? I'll tell you how: police in Westerville, Ohio, say a 37-year-old mother operating a day care out of her home hit upon a plan - she allegedly crushed medications that cause drowsiness and put them in pancakes. The mother, whose name is Tammy Eppley, has been charged with six counts of child endangerment. Her first court date is July 12. Eppley, who runs the Caterpillar Clubhouse, cared for six children (including one of her own) between the ages of 2 and 5. That seems to be a rather fool-proof way of getting children to sleep, but it's just wrong. I mean, what if one of the children was molested or kidnapped during their nap?

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Bad customer service

Everything was going fine for Joseph Gibson, until the bill came. But it wasn't the amount on the check that angered Gibson, who had stopped at a St. Louis sports bar on Sunday to chow down. It was a line on the special order section for his young son that set him off. Under "1 -- Wing Sauce" the receipt (picture 1) read: "F***** Needy Kids." The name of the bar? Friendly's. Denny Domachowski, the general manager of Friendly's Sports Bar and Grill, told CNN the waitress meant it as a joke and intended to delete it before handing the bill to Gibson. The waitress has been reprimanded, but I would've taken it further because despite the name of the establishment, that was totally unfriendly. No customer should ever have to put up with this mistreatment. If I had come in there with my niece (picture 2) and had to endure that sort of abuse from the staff, then I wouldn't pay those losers.

Wikileaker survives a year in one place

A year has passed since Julian Assange sought refuge in Ecuador's embassy in London. While the Wikileaks founder has not gone beyond the balcony at the embassy's Knightsbridge headquarters, much movement has been going on behind the scenes. In fact, a lot of downward movement happened right here in our own back yard: a British man has survived a fall from the 15th floor of a building in New Zealand. Tom Stilwell, who is said to be in New Zealand on a working holiday, fell from his neighbour's balcony in his apartment block in Auckland at 2am yesterday. Mr Stilwell discovered he was locked out of his flat, and asked a neighbour if he could climb down from her balcony into his flat. He had been trying to lower himself onto his balcony, which was directly below his neighbour's. His fall was broken by the roof of an adjacent building, reportedly some 13 floors below. His friends said that he had bone fractures and internal injuries, but was "fine" and "a very lucky man". He should be, because it is very rare and unusual to survive a fall of that height. I hope he recovers soon.

New president for Iran, stoning in Afghanistan

Moderate cleric Hasan Rouhani was declared the winner of Iran's presidential vote yesterday after gaining support among many reform-minded Iranians looking to claw back a bit of ground after years of crackdowns. The powerful showing by the former nuclear negotiator allowed him to avoid a two-person runoff and demonstrated the strength of opposition sentiment even in a system that is gamed against it. The ruling clerics barred from the race reform candidates seen as too prominent, allowing a list of hopefuls who were mainly staunch loyalists of the supreme leader. But the opposition settled on Rouhani as the least objectionable of the bunch, making him the de facto reform candidate. Meanwhile, over the border, a doctor in Sar-i-Pul in the north of Afghanistan was reportedly thrown from a balcony and stoned by an angry mob for treating a female patient in an examining room without a chaperone. It’s not clear whether Dr. Ajmeer Hashimi was killed or severely injured and sent out of Afghanistan for medical attention, Afghan officials told the New York Times. The female patient is reportedly in good condition at a women’s shelter. It's a good thing that the woman is alive, but no doctor should be stoned just for doing his job. Doctors are there for a reason - to treat the ill and the injured. Just because his patient is a woman is the weakest excuse in the book for attempting to kill him.

Dreißig Kiwi Web-ballons

Google is launching balloons into near space to provide internet access to buildings below on the ground. About 30 of the superpressure balloons are being launched from New Zealand from where they will drift around the world on a controlled path. Attached equipment will offer 3G-like speeds to 50 testers in the country. Access will be intermittent, but in time the firm hopes to build a big enough fleet to offer reliable links to people living in remote areas. I think a better use for these would be to help people get around extensive Internet censorship should they be unfortunate enough to live under the rule of oppressive tyrants. Speaking of incompetent government, Detroit will immediately stop debt payments, city financial manager Kevyn Orr has announced, as he set out a proposal to creditors that would see them take a drastic cut on the money they are owed. The money will instead be used to keep the city operating, and US$1.25 billion will be reinvested in public services over the next decade, Orr said. Creditors were asked to accept 10 cents on the dollar of what they are due. This is not good enough. I would never accept that big a cut, but then again, I'm not one of the parties that the city owes money. Mr Orr, who is black, should instead be careful not to give the people of Detroit one more reason to call him the N-word. But I hope his plans can keep Detroit from having to file for bankruptcy in the short term.

Disabled kid loses all ability too soon

We’ve had another death in the autism community. Another lost child. Another story ended. This time, however, it could have been avoided. The child did not wander, nor was he a victim of a horrible accident. The child, 14-year-old Alex Spourdalakis of Chicago, was killed by his mother Dorothy Spourdalakis, and godmother Jolanta Agata Skrodzka. They murdered him, which was clearly the wrong thing to do. They are currently facing charges of first-degree murder for their grave misdeed, and will next appear in court on Wednesday (Central Daylight Time). Also for the record, the women also allegedly killed their cat for fear he would be sent to a shelter. I hope this story serves as both a lesson and a warning. To parents who think they have no choices left, reach out for help. There is always an answer, even if it means you have to surrender your child to keep him/her alive. To those who would profit from autism, you disgust me. You prey on the vulnerable, and your demise can not come soon enough. To everyone, be aware of the special needs families in your lives. Reach out to them in any way you are able. Even the smallest gesture can make a rough time easier. Learn a little about autism, and autistic individuals. Alex Spourdalakis did not have to die. But because he did, we will learn to be better. We have to. And so does African warlord Joseph Kony. He and his struggling militia are reportedly poaching elephant ivory across central Africa to get funds for weapons, ammunition, and food. Kony is wanted by the International Criminal Court for alleged war crimes. He is accused of recruiting underage boys as fighters and girls as sex slaves, and is the subject of a massive manhunt aided by U.S special forces. His militia, the Lord's Resistance Army, has been butchering elephants for years, according to a report released last Tuesday by various groups, two of said groups being the Enough Project and the Satellite Sentinel Project. Kony's antics need to stop. The sooner this happens, the better it will be for all of us.

#hashtags #nowonfacebook

Facebook is adding support for hashtags to help its members keep track of popular topics being discussed on the social network. That's right, adding the "#" sign to a word will turn it into a clickable link which brings up a feed of what other people are saying about the same topic. Using hashtags to identify a theme was popularised on the internet by Twitter. Other services that support hashtags include Pinterest, Tumblr, Google+, Sina Weibo, LinkedIn, and Instagram, the last-named of which is owned by Facebook. But now that Facebook has joined the #hashtagrevolution, their site can now offer a "larger view of what's happening". Experts said that hashtags might also aid ad sales. But the main thing is, there is no longer any need to #saveitfortwitter because hashtags now work on Facebook. In #othernews, many of Greece's public services are in disarray because of a general strike in protest at the government's surprise move to shut down state broadcaster ERT with the loss of nearly 2,700 jobs. The 24-hour strike, which includes Greek media, began at midnight local time (9am New Zealand Standard Time). Marches under way in Athens are due to converge outside ERT's offices.

Third consecutive World Cup for the green and gold

Australia moved within one win of a place at the 2014 World Cup in Brazil after a commanding 4-0 defeat of Jordan in Group A of the Asian qualifying section. Here's how it went down in terms of scoring: veteran midfielder Mark Bresciano opened the scoring after 15 minutes in Melbourne before New York Red Bulls' Tim Cahill doubled Australia's lead with a header just past the hour mark. Winger Robbie Kruse, who recently joined Bayer Leverkusen, made it 3-0 with a fine solo effort, with captain Lucas Neill grabbing his first ever international goal to seal the rout. Good on them, as long as they don't bowl underarm in the process. But enough about that because there's been some nastiness going on. It's called "Apple picking," a growing wave of crime in which thieves target mobile devices, particularly iPhones and iPads. Now the company that gave the crime its name is taking a step to stop it, with a "kill switch"-style update aimed at making the mobile gadgets less valuable to thieves. Activation Lock will be part of iOS 7, the latest version of Apple's mobile operating system expected to roll out in the fall. The feature will require an Apple ID and password before the phone's "Find My iPhone" feature can be turned off or any data can be erased. At a keynote address opening its annual Worldwide Developers Conference, the company said the same ID and password will be needed to reactivate a device after it's been remotely erased. Also set for erasure is some of the royalties that Pandora have been paying to music publishers. The company is making a bold move in an attempt to lower those fees: It's buying a terrestrial radio station in South Dakota mainly to score lower rates. The radio station buy is the latest salvo in Pandora's ongoing legal fight with the performance-rights group American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers (ASCAP). Pandora says ASCAP discriminates against the company by charging it higher royalty rates, as well as letting publishers pull their song catalogs from Pandora while keeping them available for competitors.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Gays against gays

Jonathan Soroff lives in liberal Massachusetts with his male partner, Sam. He doesn't fit the common stereotype of an opponent of gay marriage. But like half of his friends, he does not believe that couples of the same gender should marry. "We're not going to procreate as a couple and while the desire to demonstrate commitment might be laudable, the religious traditions that have accommodated same-sex couples have had to do some fairly major contortions," says Soroff. Slamming gay marriage is one thing, but such bigoted opinions should not come from the mouth of a homosexual. You can't just turn against your own kind like that. And you can't just swim in excessively alkaline water just because it looks like a tropical beach. Because humanity does not seem to have learned that extremely valuable life lesson, a pool at a disused Derbyshire quarry, known locally as the Blue Lagoon, has been dyed black in a bid to deter people from swimming in it. Signs put up by the High Peak Borough Council last year around the previously bright blue water - which gets its colour from the caustic chemicals in the quarry stone - warn people it could cause skin irritations and stomach problems. The signs also state there are vehicles, rubbish, and dead animals in the water. But despite all that, and the water at the quarry at Harpur Hill (near Buxton) having a pH level of 11.3, dozens of people still swim there. A council spokeswoman said the pool contained vehicle parts and "all sorts of rubbish", and warned that the water temperature was "extremely cold".

Rationing is ration-out

Today is the 175th anniversary of the Myall Creek massacre, which involved the killing of up to 30 unarmed Australian Aborigines on 10 June 1838 at Myall Creek, near Bingara in northern New South Wales. After two trials, seven of the 11 colonists involved in the killings were found guilty of murder and hanged. They should've hanged the other four as well because this crap is not on. The first white men to settle in Australia were kicked out of England for various criminal misdeeds, and fifty years later, it seemed that their descendants hadn't learned from their parents' and grandparents' mistakes. For those of you who think killing Aborigines would be a good idea in 2013, don't. Just remember that while they may be "just another bunch of stinking Abos" or whatever to you, Aborigines are people too. But let's not dwell on that ugly stain on Australian history any further because Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro says he has halted a plan to restrict the sale of basic food items in Zulia, the country's most populous state. The scheme would have limited the number of packages of items such as rice, milk, and sugar that each shopper was allowed to buy. The authorities said it was aimed at curbing smuggling to Colombia, where many basic foodstuffs are more expensive and could be resold for a profit. Critics had said the plan to restrict the sale of 20 basic food items constituted food rationing.

Unlocking with the face

A dozen male train drivers in Sweden have circumvented a ban on shorts by wearing skirts to work in hot weather. The workers, who operate the Roslagsbanan line north of the capital Stockholm, have been wearing skirts to work for the past two weeks. Employer Arriva banned the drivers from wearing shorts after taking over the running of the line in January. But the company has given the men its blessing to wear skirts, according to local newspaper Mitti. That is actually an inventive way around such a problem, but here's another: Android users could soon be asked to pull a series of faces to unlock their phones or tablets. Google has filed a patent suggesting users stick out their tongue or wrinkle their nose in place of a password. It says requiring specific gestures could prevent the existing Face Unlock facility being fooled by photos. The Jelly Bean version of Android introduced the need for users to blink their eyes as a check, but users soon demonstrated it could be fooled. A spokesman for Google was unable to comment on when the suggested technology might be implemented, but the faces made could make you look like a total bellend, so I suggest switching to an iPhone. You can set an actual password instead of a 4-digit PIN to unlock it, and you can even put accented letters (including ä, é, ç, and ñ) in that password. That is definitely more secure than making a series of faces.

New manager brings in several new faces

David Moyes has signed his first Manchester United player, a Uruguayan full-back named Guillermo Varela. The 20-year-old transferred from Atlético Peñarol for an undisclosed fee. Moyes, who has replaced the retired Sir Alex Ferguson, will be able to view Varela in action immediately at the Under-20 world championships, which take place in Turkey from 21 June to 13 July. Varela has nine Under-20 caps but has played only one senior game for Peñarol, whose coach, Jorge da Silva, has said: "This is what he deserves. It is a shame to see him go but you can't deny him the opportunity to join a club like this." Something else that can't be denied is that Miranda Kerr likes yoga. The supermodel spent some time recently stretching "it out," she wrote last week on Twitter, sharing a photo of her flexible self on a beach somewhere. Kerr added, "#yoga #openyourheart #summertime." A few hours later, Kerr did away with part of that swimsuit. She shared a topless shot of herself, posing in the sand, with her arms covering her breasts. They all seemed to be part of a photo shoot for her Kora Organics line of products. But seriously, nobody cares. All I care about is whether or not Moyes is the right man to be stepping in Sir Alex's shoes.

Landmark to get landmark term behind bars

Today is the fifteenth anniversary of one of the most heinous events in recent history, which happened when three white supremacists murdered African American James Byrd, Jr., by chaining him behind a pickup truck and dragging him along an asphalt road in Jasper, Texas. One of the three bellends responsible, Lawrence Russell Brewer, was executed by lethal injection for this crime by the state of Texas on September 21, 2011. The other two are still alive at time of writing: John William King remains on Texas' death row while appeals are pending, while Shawn Allan Berry was sentenced to life imprisonment. But now that that ugly piece of business is out of the way, a young man who helped his friend spray-paint swastikas and other offensive statements on Jewish graves at a central Auckland cemetery has been told he is "staring down a sentence of imprisonment". 20-year-old Christian Landmark, originally from the UK, spent last night in custody and will stay there until he is sentenced later this month. It serves him right. This insensitive and unethical behaviour should not be tolerated. There are better things people could be doing with their lives than desecrating a Jewish cemetery.

Murderer becomes next top jock

An Australian minister says an award given to one of the radio DJs behind a royal prank call linked to the death of a UK nurse is "in bad taste". Michael Christian was given the "Next Top Jock" award by his employer. Last year he and co-host Mel Greig made a prank call to the London hospital where the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge was being treated for morning sickness. The nurse who answered the phone and believed the callers were the Queen and Prince Charles was later found dead. Australian Communications Minister Stephen Conroy told local media he disagreed with the award. "There were some very serious consequences of what was a prank," he said. "And to be seen to be awarding people so soon after such an event I think is just in bad taste." And that is why I wouldn't give him an award for being such a bellend. In fact, I would have fired that prick. That was one of the worst ideas known to man for a prank call.

RIP common sense

Lawyers for 10-year-old Sarah Murnaghan, who has been denied a lung transplant because of a controversial federal policy, say Health and Human Services' Secretary Kathleen Sebelius' decision to review the policy - but not in time to save Sarah - is unconstitutional. Sarah would be at the top of the adult lung transplant list if she were 12, because she only has weeks to live and a lung transplant would as-good-as cure her of cystic fibrosis. The Murnaghan family is fighting a little known organ transplant policy that is effectively pushing Sarah to the bottom of the adult transplant waiting list because it mandates that adult lungs be offered to all adult patients before they can be offered to someone under 12 years old. Law firm Pepper Hamilton LLP wrote a letter to Sebelius on Monday calling the policy "unfair, arbitrary, and capricious" and saying that Sebelius's failure to make an exception is a violation of Sarah's constitutional rights to "due process" and "equal protection," according to a family statement. Seriously, people. There has to be a better way. As an uncle of an almost four-month-old girl, I would most definitely have something to say about that crap if my niece is similarly denied medical treatment based on some unethical excuse for a policy. This is not on.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: No more room service

It is the perk that comes with expense accounts, the silver tray that wakes lovers in the morning, and the frequent indulgence of the superspy James Bond. Room service has become all these things and more, since it grew in popularity with the privileged guests of the Waldorf-Astoria in the 1930s and soon emerged as a standard for luxury excursions, and a plot device for tales of suspense and whimsy. Just ask Eloise, the 6-year-old scamp living it up in the Plaza Hotel, who routinely called for room service to bring her one roast-beef bone, one raisin, and seven spoons. And yet room service will soon be no more at one major New York City hotel. In August, the New York Hilton Midtown, in the heart of Manhattan, will discontinue food and drink service to all 2,000 of its rooms. In its place will be a new self-service Herb n’ Kitchen stocked with grab-and-go items. A spokesman for the hotel, which is part of the chain that also operates the Waldorf, cited declining demand for room service as the reason; some hotel industry experts see the elimination of the labor-intensive amenity as a way for the chain to save money. This is just not on. Even if you never order the expensive Three Scrambled Organic Eggs (priced at US$22.50) or the reliable Cobb Salad (priced at US$24.75) at 1 a.m., it is always comforting to know that either can be delivered to the door, its arrival punctuated by a few knocks and exactly two words. But no, the bellends running the show want to end all that because they think it would be a better idea to dehumanise the service and pander to the lowest common denominator. One should expect more of a hotel charging US$300 a night. In fact, one should take their business elsewhere - the Waldorf, for instance, will not be losing room service, and a Hilton spokesman said the company was evaluating its other hotels on a case-by-case basis.

In comes Doctor number 12

Doctor Who star Matt Smith is to leave his role as the Doctor at the end of this year, the BBC has announced. Smith first stepped into the Tardis as the 11th Doctor in the New Year's Day episode of 2010. Taking over from David Tennant, he was the youngest actor to play the role. But after four years as the Time Lord, viewers will see Smith's Doctor regenerate in the 2013 Christmas special. But enough about that because almost 1 in 10 secondary students believe tomatoes grow underground, according to a new survey conducted by the British Nutrition Foundation (BNF). Over 27,000 students who were between the ages of 5 and 16 were given the survey by the BNF. After looking through the results, the foundation firmly believes that more education on healthy cooking and eating needs to be given out. There also needs to be more education on where each foodstuff comes from (and no, it's NOT the supermarket) because also recorded in the survey, primary students in the UK think cheese comes from plants and a quarter of them think fish sticks are made from chicken or pigs. I mean, seriously, I know they're just kids but fish sticks are called fish sticks for a reason. Nineteen percent of participants did not know potatoes grew underground, while 10 percent of them thought they grew on either bushes or trees. Speaking of stuff that doesn't grow on trees, Chinese currency and U.S. dollars are being used more widely than ever in North Korea instead of the country's own money, a stark illustration of the extent to which the leadership under Kim Jong-un has lost control over the economy. The use of dollars and Chinese yuan, or renminbi, has accelerated since a disastrous revaluation of the North Korean won in 2009 wiped out the savings of millions of people. This is just like what happened in Zimbabwe four years ago, so Kim Jong-un better sort out the mess his predecessors dug their nation into because the growing use of foreign currency is making it increasingly difficult for Pyongyang to implement economic policy, resulting in the creation of a private economy outside the reach of the state that only draconian measures could rein in. Also, North Korea is one of the most closed countries in the world, so it is difficult to determine what impact this could ultimately have on Kim's regime.

Mugabe headed for the exit at long last

Zimbabwe's highest court has ordered President Robert Mugabe to ensure the African country holds elections by the end of July. Chief Justice Godfrey Chidyausiku said that out of a nine-judge panel only two had dissented to the ruling he delivered. Mugabe "is hereby ordered and directed to proclaim dates for presidential, general elections ... which elections should take place not later than 31 July 2013," the justice said in a packed Supreme Court chamber. The ruling was made after a former journalist with a defunct daily newspaper asked the court to order Mugabe to call for elections by end of June. But enough about that because toking up may help marijuana users to stay slim and lower their risk of developing diabetes, according to the latest study, which suggests that cannabis compounds may help in controlling blood sugar. That is just stupid because we all know that marijuana has a well-deserved reputation for increasing appetite via what stoners call "the munchies." It has already been proven that THC shrinks tumours for lung cancer patients, helps to avoid bladder cancer, reduces obesity, can be used as a sleep aid, helps cancer patients with nausea and appetite, and makes life bearable for patients with Lou Gehrig's Disease, Multiple Sclerosis, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and other debilitating diseases. Maybe they should study it more thoroughly before making any further claims.

Racism has been shown the red card

Teams could be relegated or expelled from competitions for serious incidents of racism after tough new powers were voted in by FIFA, who passed the anti-racism resolution with a 99% majority at its congress in Mauritius. First or minor offences will result in either a warning, a fine, or an order for a match to be played behind closed doors. Serious or repeat offences can now be punished by a points deduction, expulsion, or relegation. Further to the regulations that relate to clubs or international teams, the new measures will also see any individual who commits a racist offence banned from stadiums for a minimum of five matches. This new development could really make a difference to how people feel about soccer. Also making a difference is the fact that the US has eased restrictions on the sale of mobile phones and other communications devices, software, and services to Iranians. The move is intended to promote Iranians' political freedom, countering what the US describes as Tehran's efforts to "silence its people". The shift marks the first time Apple's iPhone, as well as inferior devices based on Android, can be exported legally to Iran. The US had toughened sanctions in recent years in an effort to force Iran to curb its nuclear programme, but they have finally realised that the sanctions in question, despite having good intentions, had undermined human rights and civil society efforts of Iranians, and helped the regime. I hope Obama can keep the good times rolling until a new president is inaugurated in 2017.