Looks like we've copped a big bellend this month

It's not Hosni Mubarak. It's not Colonel Gaddafi or Ali Abdullah Saleh. It's not even Kim Jong-Il or Amy Chua. The Bellend of the Month for May 2011 is none other than the Police Minister of New Zealand, Judith Collins. It was revealed this month that in addition to having a chauffeur-driven BMW, that disgraceful nutjob has spent over $11000 of public money on petrol for a taxpayer-funded car that she drives herself. But that is not the end of that corrupt maggot's rap sheet.

She is also rejecting a call for more resources to help prisons cope with a ban on smoking. I agree that there should be a ban, but new inmates who are forced to quit smoking when they enter prison could be at risk of harming themselves or staff. The best solution is never to even start that filthy habit in the first place.

And last but by no means least, that bellend has pledged to support a Private Member's Bill to prevent girls under 16 having abortions without their parents being told. This is stupid because especially when they are at such a vulnerable age, doctors should respect girls' confidentiality when it comes to reproductive health. And if the girl comes from an abusive household, the news of the pregnancy would cause even more strife. Or maybe, a medical condition in one of the parents could be exacerbated by the fact that their daughter is pregnant. This approach to the issue would see more terminations, and a rise in illegal backstreet abortions. It is just plain horrible that some other parts of the world already have such a catastrophic travesty on the books.

I wouldn't pay. Would you?

A British man who had his sperm frozen in case he became infertile was astonished to learn that his ex-wife had tricked an IVF clinic into twice making her pregnant. He then had to pay £100,000 towards the upbringing of the son and daughter he had known nothing about. This is something that no parent should ever have to go through, and the ex-wife should be locked up for fraud because after their divorce back in 2000, she visited the clinic and forged his signature to allow doctors to create embryos from his frozen sperm and her egg. This sort of behaviour is unethical, and if you're engaging in this rubbish, then you're not being a good role model to your kids. But this isn't entirely her fault: it's obviously partly his fault for leaving his sperm there for that bellend to use, but the clinic should also bear some of the weight of this: they should have insisted that both the donor and the recipient be present, physically, and with the correct identification, to sign the documentation required before agreeing to the release and use of the sperm. They were negligent in that they let that manipulative nutjob use his sperm without his consent, and they should be made to pay him back his £100,000.

Ain't that the truce

The Yemeni government and a powerful rebel tribe have not reached a ceasefire agreement, both sides said today after days of street battles and the seizure of key government buildings by the tribe. The rebel tribe had just cause to seize government buildings: Ali Abdullah Saleh has been resisting protests calling on him to step down after 33 long, tortuous years in power. He backed out of a deal last week to ease him out of office and he is now paying dearly for being such a fool - one which not even Mr. T can pity.

In Soviet Russia, Gaddafi deposes YOU!

Russian President Dimitri Medvedev has joined American and other European leaders in calling for Gaddafi to step down. This gesture from one of America's former enemies is a sign of a shift that appears to indicate a closing diplomatic window for the longtime Libyan strongman, but there is more Russia could do than just add to calls for resignation - for instance, they could arm the rebels, aim nuclear weapons at Tripoli, or even deploy some or all of their military. Or they could even cut all diplomatic ties with Gaddafi and not just recognise both camps as co-legitimate representatives of Libya like they're doing now.

The Saleh should be over by now

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton says the United States is troubled by political intransigence in Yemen amid ongoing violence there. Clinton says Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh has repeatedly "reneged" on promises to step down, and she says the U.S. and other countries are trying hard to get him out, and they'd better be because that douche, along with other bellends like Mubarak and Gaddafi, has continual lack of democratic reform, widespread corruption, and several human rights abuses under his belt. On the 18th, that nutjob agreed to sign a deal with opposition groups, stipulating that he would resign within a month; however, he later reneged on that commitment and it's time to get that scumbag out, even if it means executing him.

Prison numbers could go down soon

The state of California worked at it, worked at it, worked at it, and finally, they did it. On Monday, the way inmates are jammed into prisons was found to meet the constitutional definition of cruel and unusual punishment. One achievement was to have nearly twice as many inmates as the prisons were designed to hold, and the amazing thing is that they had pulled this off despite building a new prison every year or so. Now, the U.S. Supreme Court, in a 5-4 ruling, has ordered that inmate numbers be thinned by 33,000 or so. One way to do this is to release some of the prisoners that have been sentenced to unduly harsh terms under the three strikes law - this means that if you receive a felony conviction in certain jurisdictions and you already have two or more priors, you could go to prison for 25 years or more, and this rubbish can lead to some rather unjust sentences; one example was a guy from southern California who got 50 years in prison just for stealing some videotapes when a more reasonable term would have been just one year.

Mubarak's about to get a taste of his own medicine

Egypt's former President Hosni Mubarak will become the first Arab head of state to face trial after being deposed by his own people, marking a pivotal moment in the revolutions that have swept across more than half a dozen nations since the start of this year. Mubarak and his two sons, Alaa and Gamal, will face charges of intentional murder, attempted murder of demonstrators, abuse of power to intentionally waste public funds, and unlawfully profiting from public funds for them and for others. I can't think of any better news and I'm hoping they execute that maggot. The last 30 years have been nothing but torture for the Egyptian people, and it will hopefully be over someday.

Could this be it for Gaddafi?

NATO aircraft launched a barrage of strikes on the Libyan capital today. At least 18 rockets struck Tripoli in the heaviest onslaught since the aerial strikes began, and for good reason - that scumbag Gaddafi has lost legitimacy to rule. He cannot regain control of Libya, and he must step down immediately. His forces still represent a threat to civilians and it is only fitting that arrest warrants have been issued by the International Criminal Court for that nutjob. Too bad Kim Jong Il's not covered by the warrant.

Blackpool drown in final match of the season

Old Trafford was the scene of this morning's Man United v Blackpool game, and the final scoreline was 4-2 to Man U. Man U's goals were scored by Ji-Sung Park, Anderson, and Michael Owen, along with an own goal scored by Ian Evatt. Blackpool's goals were scored by Charlie Adam and Gary Taylor-Fletcher. Three yellow cards were shown.

Miss Arnold's Chinese luck has come to an end

China Arnold, who killed her one-month-old daughter in a microwave in 2005, was spared the death penalty and sentenced to life without parole in what happens to be her third trial over the incident, and it looks like her lucky run is over. Her first trial ended in a mistrial, and she was found guilty in the second but the conviction was reversed on appeal, and third time around, a jury convicted that maggot of aggravated murder two weeks ago and recommended her punishment on Friday. Life without parole just isn't enough when it comes to microwaving your one-month-old baby because it means that that bellend is still alive and as an inmate in a corrections facility, she is also a drain on the taxpayer as far as food (which should be reduced to nothing but bread and water) and lodging goes. She should get the chair for such a heinous crime.

Just wait till the rebels get involved

Libya has accused NATO of causing a humanitarian crisis after airstrikes targeted the government-controlled port in Tripoli, saying the attacks have limited movement of supply ships in and out of the country. I think that if that scumbag Gaddafi is going to continue mining waters in Misrata and hampering the flow of humanitarian aid to the rebels, then NATO were well within their rights to strike Tripoli the way they did, and I don't believe for one second that the airstrikes violated a UN resolution. NATO targeted the ships after it was apparent that Gaddafi's forces were increasingly using naval vessels to launch attacks on civilians, and they were well within their rights to do so.

That may be welcome in Oscar's home but not in a school's trashcan

A substitute teacher at Riverdale Elementary School in Atlanta was arrested on Wednesday for allegedly exposing himself and urinating into a trashcan inside a classroom of fourth-graders (contains mostly kids aged nine and ten). The indecent maggot was charged with two counts of aggravated child molestation and is being held on $55,400 bond in the Clayton County Jail. I hope the school board fires that bellend because this sort of rubbish is not on. Even if Amy Chua resided in that bin, it's still not acceptable to do that in front of the kids. Teachers need to show more responsibility.

Who will become the new head?

Dominique Strauss-Kahn resigned as head of the International Monetary Fund, which he is widely credited with revitalizing at a pivotal time, throwing into high gear a global race to replace him following charges that he sexually assaulted a hotel worker in New York. It's a shame really, because under Mr. Strauss-Kahn, the IMF has played a key role in handling the fallout from the global financial crisis. It has bailed out more than a dozen countries with emergency loans, and worked with the European Union — less successfully — in keeping the crisis from spreading to Western Europe. I hope the new head will be just as good, if not better.

Oprah's almost off the air

However, the same can't be said about Two and a Half Men. That tripe that passes for comedy is set to continue, but with Ashton Kutcher taking Charlie Sheen's place. The show was horrible enough with Charlie Sheen in it, but now that Kutcher, who is such a douche, is coming onto the show, it's just setting off a vicious cycle which could soon result in a TV programme having the N word used over 30 times in every 22-minute episode being considered comedy. If I were the head of the network, I would've cancelled that god-awful rubbish before it even started.

I told you this would happen

The United States government has maxed out its "credit card". The $14.3 trillion limit on federal borrowing was reached yesterday, leaving Congress eleven weeks to raise the threshold or risk a financial panic or another recession. And they'd better do something about this - the current Congress was able to avoid a shutdown earlier this year, so they can probably make it out of this new mess alive. In fact, they're already making cutbacks - Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner formally notified Congress that the government would halt its investments in two federal pension plans so it won't exceed the borrowing limit. However, there are other ways Congress could come up with the money, for instance, an illegal drug could become legal but subject to taxation. Or maybe they could start putting a "fat tax" on junk food, especially the Double Down "sandwich" from KFC. Another way would be to execute some of the nastier federal prisoners because they're becoming too much of a drain on the taxpayer. Or if all else fails, they could just start printing money like crazy.

We are the champions, my friends...

Yesterday morning's clash at Ewood Park resulted in Man United being guaranteed a record 19th Premiership title. They only needed one more league point for the title and they got it by drawing their game against Blackburn 1-1. Wayne Rooney (pictured) scored the title-sealing penalty, and the Blackburn Rovers' goal came from Australian-born Brett Emerton. Two other Blackburn players received yellow cards.

What happened to just printing more money?

The debt-laden US government's credit card will hit its limit tomorrow, creating a cash crunch that puts the country's credit standing at risk as politicians battle over its long-term deficit. However, reaching the $14.29 trillion ceiling set by Congress will not have an immediate impact on government finances, because the Treasury has found about ten weeks of wiggle-room in short-term adjustments and an unexpected April jump in tax revenues. But if they haven't sorted it out by August 2, the United States, which has always merited a top-grade credit rating, might be left with no choice but to default on its debt payments but instead of resorting to such an irresponsible course of action, they could bring in more tax revenue by legalising pot or crack and having a $50 tax on each ounce sold, or they could hold a massive nationwide telethon and hopefully raise billions and billions (if not trillions and trillions), or if all else fails, they could make a desperate attempt to remove the deficit entirely by printing however much more money is needed - Mugabe's regime had to survive the same way at one point.

Blindly stupid move by Amnesty International

An 'eye-for-an-eye' punishment ordered by a court in Tehran has been postponed indefinitely. What happened was that a woman named Ameneh Bahrami was scheduled to blind the man who disfigured her face and blinded her by pouring a bucket of acid over her in 2004, after she had rejected several marriage proposals from him, in line with traditional principles accepted by the court. The sentence was scheduled to be carried out today in a hospital in Tehran but yesterday, Amnesty International urged Iranian authorities not to blind that bellend with the application of five drops of acid to each eye. This is stupid because any nutjob who chucks acid at somebody should get the same punishment, which, even though I don't really much care for the Iranian ways, would have been an effective deterrent for others who are thinking of committing such a heinous act. If I were in charge of any country's justice system, I'd buy bottles of acid for the courts to serve that very purpose, with the victim getting a choice between hydrochloric and sulfuric acids (not that it'll matter too much).

Sorry about the late post

Blogger was having maintenance problems, but it's back up and running. I've started up a blog at Wordpress just in case this carry-on becomes a habit.

Give us back our day!

In 1892, Samoa moved from our side of the International Date Line to America's side to align with American traders in California, an unintended effect of this being that it was 4th of July twice that year. Now, with almost as many Samoans living in Australia and New Zealand as the 180,000 who remain on the islands, the prime minister, Tuilaepa Sailele Malielegaoi, who switched the islands from driving on the right to driving on the left in 2009, has decided that it is time to adopt a time zone closer to that of its western Pacific neighbours. However, there's also tourism operators to consider. A great selling point for tourists and holiday-makers was that Samoa is one of the last places to see the sunset, but soon, it will be one of the first to see the sunrise (actually, the first place will be the Line Islands in Kiribati). Or, because American Samoa is keeping to a timezone closer to the States, visitors to the Samoan islands will now be able to celebrate the same day twice, by hopping between Samoa and American Samoa, which are an hour's flight apart. In essence, you can have two birthdays, two weddings and two wedding anniversaries on the same date on separate days without leaving the Samoan chain. So don't take this move the wrong way.

I smell cancer...

A team at the Institute of Technology in Israel have developed the electronic nose which is so sophisticated a device that it can sniff out malignant head and neck cancer tumours which are often hard to diagnose. According to them, it picks up on microscopic chemical changes that are emitted in the breath of people with the two cancers, compared to those without the disease. There have been several recent developments in the field of cancer detection, but now that the detection phase has been done to death, it's time to focus on a cure for this evil disease.

Dat shizzle be awful innit

Street slang including thang, innit and grrl (which doesn't even have a vowel in it) along with words from the internet such as Wiki and Myspace have been added to an "official" reference for Scrabble players. Other words now permitted include slang words for various kinds of drugs such as tik, gak and tina. This latest addition to the dictionary is just some douchebags who think they're cool and they "rock the hizzouse" and all that, but they're just muddying the waters that determine what words are allowed and what aren't. If this vicious cycle continues, words like "qgjwnwonm", "gwlcsfdkjskvgalsmcdvzkh", "sntrfgagdhapIALSzhsfjrd", and "sdkmcgnrfhdnm" would be on the list by 2025.

Man U double their lead with victory against Chelsea

This morning's clash at Old Trafford resulted in Man United beating Chelsea 2-1. Man U's goals were scored by Javier Hernandez and Nemanja Vidic, and Chelsea's goal was scored by Frank Lampard. Six yellow cards were shown all up.

Looks like Deepwater Horizon all over again

Forces loyal to Gaddafi have destroyed three huge fuel tanks in the besieged city of Misrata, aggravating an already dire humanitarian crisis there. The bombardment could lead to critical shortages of gasoline for vehicles and fuel for electricity in the stricken city. Not only that, but this act of unfathomable stupidity on Gaddafi's part could also cause pollution in the general area; maybe not quite to the scale of Deepwater Horizon, but it could still be quite bad in the long term.

Also, the United States and other nations that have called for Gaddafi to step down have been hesitant to arm the rebels, generally preferring to provide non-lethal, humanitarian aid. I now think it's time somebody provided guns for the rebels, because that's the only way they'll get anywhere with those pro-Gaddafi nutjobs.

Happy Mother's Day for tomorrow, everyone

I hope you've splashed out on a nice gift for your mother, but just a card with "happy mothers day mummy" scribbled on it with an unsharpened pencil and the s written backwards (probably something Amy Chua would reject because not enough effort was put into it) would be fine because you made it yourself, even if you didn't put lots of effort into it.

Whoa! Double Down! It's so intense!

The Double Down has almost landed on our shores... it'll be here on Tuesday at 10am to be precise.

What an incompetent court system the States has

This isn't about the courts ruling earlier this year that the First Amendment covers the Westboro Baptist Church's hateful campaign of gay-bashing. Two classmates of Phoebe Prince, who hanged herself in the stairwell of her family's apartment early last year, pleaded guilty to charges of criminal harassment, but other more serious charges were dismissed and neither will serve time. This is just stupid, and because of all the ridicule and teasing that caused Phoebe Prince to take her life, those two bellends are in part responsible for her death and they should've been charged with manslaughter. One year of probation and 100 hours community service just isn't enough given the scale of the aftermath of the incident in question. They should've been locked up in juvie until they turn 21.

Gaddafi's men are pushing back into Misrata

And meanwhile, hundreds of Syrians have been charged with "degrading the prestige of the state", a Syrian rights group said, in President Bashar al-Assad's drive to crush pro-democracy protests against his 11-year autocratic rule. This is one stupid thing to charge protesters with because al-Assad's autocratic rule has already degraded the prestige of the state. The mass arrests are continuing across Syria in yet another violation of human rights and international conventions, and it's time the International Criminal Court put out an arrest warrant against that bellend.

Man U still on top but only just

Yesterday morning’s clash at Emirates Stadium ended with Arsenal beating Man United 1-0. But still, this has been an impressive season for the Reds – 35 games down and just four losses. Also, this is only the first time this season that Man United lost a match without scoring a goal, and I hope it’s the last. There were five yellow cards, and they went to Aaron Ramsey (who scored the goal), Alex Song, Fabio da Silva, Ji-Sung Park, and Wayne Rooney.

Osama's out thanks to Obama

Osama bin Laden has been caught in Pakistan and he is now dead. However, we can’t say the same about some of the other bellends out there, for instance, self-admitted bad (or maybe just super-strict) parent Amy Chua, authoritarian nutjobs like Kim Jong-Il, racist comedians like Michael Richards, drug cheats like Floyd Landis and Ben Johnson, tax frauds like Wesley Snipes, writers for some of the worst excuses for entertainment (Two and a Half Men and Modern Family come to mind), people into antisocial habits like smoking or graffiti, and the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ stupid habit of spreading their lies by knocking on people’s doors uninvited. This development will hopefully result in the withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan but it’s not really doing anything to bring about change in the Arab world.

It's NATO to the rescue!

NATO confirmed today that it had hit a Libyan government building, but denied targeting the Gaddafi family following the reported death of Gaddafi's youngest son. This is just another step forward in the fight to have Gaddafi and his awful reign of terror wiped off the face of our earth. He is the skidmark on the underpants of Libyan society and it will take more than a group of rebels to get rid of him. That monster is a very nasty piece of work and his regime's systematic attacks on the Libyan population and populated areas cannot ever be condoned in any place at any time.