Actions of six end life of one

The co-Bellends of the Month for December 2012 are Ram Singh, Mukesh Singh, Vinay Sharma, Pawan Gupta, Raju, and Akshay Thakur. They are the six men who are being tried in connection with a recent gang rape that took place in Delhi. The victims, a 23-year-old female physiotherapy intern and her male friend, were on their way home after watching Life of Pi (which opens in cinemas in New Zealand tomorrow) at a cinema in Saket in South Delhi. They boarded a bus that was being driven by joyriders at about 9:30 pm. The man became suspicious when the bus deviated from its normal route and its doors were shut. When he objected, the group of six men already on board taunted the couple, asking what they were doing alone at such a late hour. When he tried to intervene, he was beaten, gagged, and knocked unconscious with an iron rod. The men dragged the woman to the rear of the bus, beating her with the rod and raping her while the bus driver continued to drive. Medical reports later suggested that the woman suffered serious injuries to her abdomen, intestines, and genitals due to the assault, and doctors say that the damage indicates that a blunt object (suspected to be the iron rod) may have been used for penetration. That rod was later described by police as being a rusted, L-shaped implement of the type used with a wheel jack. After the beatings and rape ended, the gang threw the two from the moving bus, which was impounded the following day. The woman died at Mount Elizabeth Hospital in Singapore on Saturday. My advice would be to carry a loaded firearm on public transport (especially in big cities like Delhi) just in case something suspicious is afoot. A gun would've also been of help at the movies if someone tried to open the fire exits.

Reds bag the Baggies

Manchester United were made to work all the way for three points this morning at Old Trafford; final scoreline was 2-0 against West Bromwich Albion in the Reds' final match of 2012. The goal-scorers were Gareth McAuley (own goal) and Robin van Persie. Antonio Valencia was the only player to get a yellow card.

Tobacco Madness!

A series of hard-hitting government adverts featuring people smoking cigarettes with a tumour growing from the end (example pictured) is being launched in England. The ads will tell smokers that just 15 cigarettes can cause a mutation that leads to cancerous tumours in what marks a return to shock campaigning. I'm sure the ads will greatly reduce the number of Britons who engage in this filthy habit. But now for another cancer I'm glad I don't have: Veronica Lario. She's former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's ex-wife, and reports say he has agreed to pay her 36 million euros a year as part of a divorce deal reportedly filed on Christmas Day. But unfortunately for poor Silvio, the only way out of this curse is if one of the two parties dies. To sum it up, the rich shouldn't marry just in case things turn to custard. And speaking of custard, Topeka-area eatery Freddy's Frozen Custard held a fundraiser yesterday (Central Standard Time) to show support for Corporal David Gogian and Officer Jeff Atherly, two Topeka police officers who were fatally shot on the 16th. "We've done a fundraiser before, nothing as significant as this. So, I felt like if we will do them for softball teams, we should definitely do it for the officers and their families," said General Manager of Freddy's Frozen Custard, Jason Nolte. Ten percent of yesterday's sales will be donated to the officers' Memorial Funds. The turn out was tremendous. Even people who didn't personally know the officers say they can relate to the situation.

United takes down United

Manchester United snatched a staggering last-gasp victory over Newcastle United at Old Trafford yesterday morning, coming from behind three times before Chicharito slid home an injury-time winner to cap an unforgettable Boxing Day encounter. Man United's other goals were scored by Jonny Evans, Patrice Evra, and Robin van Persie. Newcastle United's goals were scored by James Perch and Papiss Cisse, with an own goal by Jonny Evans to bring the away side's goal count to three. Six yellow cards were shown.

Tea boss gets burnt

Hundreds of tea plantation workers have set alight their boss's bungalow in north-east India, burning to death the owner and his wife, officials say. Angry workers surrounded the bungalow at Kunapathar in Assam state yesterday, following a two-week long dispute with the management. Elsewhere in Asia, in what could be one of the highest-level defections yet from the Syrian government, the country's military police chief has reportedly left Bashar al-Assad's forces to join "the people's revolution." In a video posted online this week, a man identified as Maj. Gen. Abdul Aziz Jassim al-Shallal announced that he was joining the popular uprising." The Syrian military has strayed from its core mission in protecting the homeland to become nothing but armed gangs that kill and destroy the cities and the villages, carrying out massacres against our innocent civilian population that came out demanding freedom and dignity," he said. Good on him. Turning his back on that bellend was the right thing to do. I just hope more of al-Assad's cronies have the sense to do the same.

The Sandy Hook Rises

Conspiracy theorists have latched on to another strange coincidence involving the Newtown shooting massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School: the words “Sandy Hook” appear in the film The Dark Knight Rises, which itself is connected to a horrific shooting rampage. Apparently “Sandy Hook” shows up almost two hours into the film, and several different videos have been uploaded to the internet that isolates the scene in question. According to many of the conspiracy theories, the purpose of the Sandy Hook reference was to generate subliminal messaging by the scene in Christopher Nolan’s final Batman movie. However, it's probably all just a coincidence. But that's about it for the coincidences today because New Zealanders are already unloading their unwanted Christmas presents on Trade Me, in hopes of profiting from gifts gone awry. The Boxing Day ritual of re-gifting unwanted presents is well underway, with more than 20,000 items listed on the auction site since lunchtime on Christmas Day. Among the listings are hundreds of pieces of jewellery and clothing, a range of kids toys, perfume, photo frames, and electronic items like new cellphones, Xboxes, TVs, and cameras. One Trade Me user has listed an unwanted gift of four bottles of barbecue sauce, while one user was clearly unimpressed by All Black Sonny Bill Williams' abs - listing a copy of his biography for just NZ$1. So if you're from New Zealand, and have the money for whatever you may want from the flood of unwanted pressies, click here to join the fun.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Swansea (the team, not the city)

Manchester United remain top of the Barclays Premier League but the gap has been cut to four points following the Reds’ 1-1 draw against Swansea at Liberty Stadium yesterday morning. Patrice Evra scored for Man U, and Michu scored for Swansea City. Six yellow cards were shown.

It takes tall to tango

The world's tallest teenage girl walks hands in hands with her boyfriend, the picture of young love despite a staggering height difference. 17-year-old Elisany da Cruz Silva (pictured with her lover and again with her family) measures an unbelievable two metres tall and has to bend down to plant a kiss on her lover Francinaldo da Silva Carvalho (who is 5 years her senior but 40 cm shorter). The youngster, from Salinopolis in Brazil, has a form of gigantism because of a tumour on her pituitary gland, which regulates growth. Doctors have since removed the tumour. But what won't be removed is police in schools in a town in New Jersey. In fact, Marlboro Township is getting ready to station a full-time armed police officer in each of its nine schools come January 2. And speaking of come (excuse the pun), 55-year-old Raymond Favero, a geneticist from Braidwood in Illinois, must pay US$30,000 and serve three years of probation for illegally obtaining valuable semen from whitetail deer in East Texas. Investigators say that in 2007, Favero acquired whitetail deer semen from a buck in Cherokee County that he knew was illegally transported from an out-of-state source. The semen was worth US$92,000. Investigators also say that the following year, he acquired more whitetail deer semen from another buck in a similar case.

Fall causes boat's return

A cruise ship headed to the Bahamas had to return to port in central Florida after a young child was injured in a fall aboard ship. Royal Caribbean officials say the 14-month-old from India fell aboard the Monarch of the Seas on Friday. The ship left Port Canaveral that day for a Bahamas cruise. Cruise line officials say the child initially received medical treatment on board the ship but needed to be hospitalised. The ship turned around and returned to Florida, where the child was taken to a hospital. This is why you need to watch your children at all times especially at 14 months. But at the same time, it would have been faster, cheaper, and safer to just fly a helicopter out to the ship (or just have one on board ready and waiting) so as not to punish everyone for one parent not managing their children appropriately. The parents should be made to reimburse everyone on board for the lost days of the cruise. In other news, an Adelaide United supporter guilty of racially abusing Wellington Phoenix star Paul Ifill during an A-League match has been banned from Football Federation Australia (FFA) controlled matches for two years. The FFA released a statement today saying the unnamed man breached the organisation's Spectator Code of Behaviour by racially abusing the England-born former Barbados international when the Phoenix played Adelaide at Hindmarsh Stadium last Sunday.

Gangnam has ten digit style

Nostradamus once predicted that "from the calm morning, the end will come when of the dancing horse the number of circles shall be nine." That's all bollocks because the one thing the prediction hasn't delivered on is an apocalypse. But Gangnam Style has become the first video to clock up more than one billion views on YouTube. The South Korean dance track was posted online in July, propelling pop star Psy to worldwide fame. It has inspired hundreds of parody clips, including but not limited to videos from members of the British army, Thai navy, and Minecraft gamers. YouTube's owner, Google, said the video had been watched seven million to 10 million times a day on average. It overtook the previous record holder - Justin Bieber's music video Baby - on 24 November. The graph at the top of this post will clearly illustrate that PSY is the better musician. And speaking of music, a British diplomat is having to face the music over his country's Antarctic claim. The UK ambassador to Argentina has been summoned to explain to officials in Buenos Aires why part of Antarctica has been renamed in honour of the Queen. John Freeman was handed a formal protest note "strongly rejecting" the UK's claim to a piece of land known as the British Antarctic Territory. The southern section was named Queen Elizabeth Land by Foreign Secretary William Hague on Tuesday. The note claimed the area was part of the Argentine Antarctic sector. It stated that the Argentine government "strongly rejected" Britain's right to rename the area.

Looks like the Mayans were wrong about the apocalypse

The world might not be ending today, but today is the 75th anniversary of the first ever film adaptation of the fairy tale of Snow White. And speaking of Snow White, it's almost the end of a year in which not one but two film adaptations of said story were released. But enough about that because the Queen has recorded her Christmas Day broadcast to the UK and Commonwealth in 3D for the first time. Her use of the technology comes 80 years after her grandfather King George V first broadcast a Christmas speech on the radio and started the December 25 tradition. A spokesman said the Queen has watched the 3D message, produced by Sky News, and thought it "absolutely lovely". The broadcast on Tuesday at 3pm GMT will also be shown in standard and high definition. I look forward to seeing how it turns out on air.

Second Cold War brewing

Russian lawmakers could move to ban Americans from adopting children from the country - which is one of the top sources of international adoptions to the United States. A bill to block adoption to the United States passed the State Duma, Russia's lower house of parliament, on its first reading last week and it had a crucial second reading yesterday, according to Russia's RIA Novosti news agency. This could affect hundreds of American families, who might have to circumvent the proposed ban by lying about their nationality if they want a little borscht-eater of their own.

The text of the offending clause is as follows: "It is prohibited to transfer children who are citizens of the Russian Federation, for adoption to the citizens of the United States, and to conduct in the Russian Federation activities of organizations for the purpose of selection and placement of children who are citizens of the Russian Federation, for adoption to the citizens of the United States of America wishing to adopt these children." Legislation like that could pave the way for a second Cold War, which may well be the huge cataclysm the Mayans had predicted for the coming weekend. Or it could just be Gangnam Style reaching a billion views (at the time of writing, said video was almost 99% of the way there).

From Instagram to Instagroan

When it comes to policy changes, Instagram could have used a filter of its own. Its usually devoted users threatened to delete their accounts en masse yesterday if the popular photo-sharing app did not roll back new terms of service that appeared to give the company ownership of their images. Instagram users — about 100 million now — snap the photos on their smartphones, apply digital filters to enhance the photos, and then instantly share them with friends. But Instagram's new terms of service, which were announced on Monday, included a clause stating that Instagram had the right to turn images into advertisements without any approval from or compensation for users starting January 16 — proof that the world's not ending on Friday, and part of Facebook's drive to make money from the service it bought this year for US$715 million in cash and stock. And yes, Instagram are in on the whole conspiracy. Founder Kevin Systrom tried to calm the uproar and reassure users in a blog post yesterday afternoon. "Instagram does not claim any ownership rights over your photos," he wrote. "We respect that your photos are your photos. Period." I don't buy that one bit. So if you're on Instagram, then I advise you to get out before it's too late.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Tax cheats

Today may be the 25th birthday of the Final Fantasy video game franchise, the 100th anniversary of the discovery of Piltdown Man, and the 120th anniversary of the first performance of The Nutcracker (which, according to Peter Griffin, wrote "a huge cheque those queers on stage refused to cash"). But this doesn't mean that I'm going to go easy on tonight's target, French actor Gerard Depardieu. He is handing back his French passport after Prime Minister Jean-Marc Ayrault criticised him for moving to Belgium to avoid taxes. In a letter to a newspaper he lambasted the French government for punishing "success, creation, and talent". Last week, the 63-year-old actor announced he was moving to the small Belgian town of Nechin just over the French border. While such a move is technically legal, he's still a freeloader. I myself would probably move to a tax haven like Liechtenstein if I was in a similar situation, but I would feel like a jerk for doing so. Those who can afford to contribute more, should contribute more (but obviously no more than what one would consider to be a "fair share").

A casual not-so-vacancy at 9 and 3/4

Today is not only the 23rd anniversary of the first episode of The Simpsons, but it is also the second anniversary of the self-immolation of Tunisian produce vendor Mohamed Bouazizi, whose suicide helped to spark the Arab Spring. Today is also the 25th birthday of both Bo Guagua (son of disgraced Chinese politician Bo Xilai) and Bradley Manning (an American soldier who leaked information to WikiLeaks). But enough about all that because Platform 9¾, the spot at King's Cross station where young witches and wizards catch the Hogwarts Express, used to be marked only by a sign (and perhaps some light staining where Muggles tried to run through the wall). But as of the not-long-finished weekend, a Harry Potter shop sits between Platforms Nine and Ten. The 9¾ shop lets Potter fans enjoy a small taste of Hogsmeade while they await their trains, perusing Hogwarts house gear and neatly stacked boxes of wands. Sadly, it isn't accompanied by a fire whisky bar. But you don't need fire whisky to celebrate when Gangnam Style gets to one billion views. So click here and join the revolution!

Reds continue golden run

Sunderland didn't win at Old Trafford this morning, and haven't done so since the final day of the 1967/68 season. Despite creating chances in the second half, Sunderland never truly looked like ending that run as Man United’s first-half purpose and swagger – albeit lacking a ruthlessness in front of goal – ensured a win for the Reds. Robin van Persie, Tom Cleverley, and Wayne Rooney scored Man U’s goals. Fraizer Campbell scored Sunderland's only goal, and nobody from either team got booked or sent off.

Hide under a rock, DJ

The repercussions from last week’s suicide of the nurse who answered a prank telephone call at the hospital treating the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge were felt again yesterday with reports that the D.J.’s who made the call had received so many threats that they had been forced into hiding. Quoting an unnamed person at 2DayFM, the Australian radio station where the two D.J.’s work, The Daily Mail said that they were under the protection of security guards and “could be in hiding for months due to ongoing fears for their safety.” And while they're in hiding, they should probably write a diary. But a diary wouldn't have been much help yesterday morning (Eastern Standard Time) in Connecticut, where a gunman shot his mother, drove to a school where she volunteered, killed 26 people, and then turned the gun on himself. That man must have had some rather unconquerable demons in his life if he were to end it all like that.

Bashar nearly bashed out

The head of NATO says he thinks the government of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is nearing collapse, and has condemned the use by Assad's forces of Scud missiles to attack rebels. "I think the regime in Damascus is approaching collapse," NATO Secretary-General Anders Fogh Rasmussen told reporters after a meeting with Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte at NATO headquarters. "I think now it is only a question of time." That's right, two years after a produce vendor set himself on fire in Tunisia, another evil empire is set to go under. But what will not go under anytime soon is Gangnam Style. In a few days, Gangnam Style will reach 1,000,000,000 views on Youtube, and if that number is reached on the 21st, you can be sure the Mayans planned this. But what they didn't plan is Sir Paul McCartney turning grunge rocker this week as he fronted a reunited Nirvana with drummer Dave Grohl and bassist Krist Novoselic during the finale at the epic 12-12-12 Concert for Sandy Relief gig in New York.

Map troubles are over

Google has released a native version of its Maps app for the iPhone. It follows Apple's switch to its own map software, which was widely criticised after numerous mistakes were found in Apple Maps's search results. But one needn't worry about that anymore because Google's new iPhone app introduces some functionality previously restricted to Android devices. One analyst said it would prove popular, but added that Nokia still posed a challenge: they recently launched their own free maps app for the iPhone. So whether you use Google's app or Nokia's app is up to you. In other news, a worker laid off by a US beef processing company has sued celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, a food blogger, and ABC News. Bruce Smith, who was one of about 750 people fired by Beef Products Inc, says the defendants' use of the term "pink slime" helped him lose his job. He is seeking US$70,000 in damages, saying Beef Products Inc and their workers were "maligned" by the "unfair" phrase.

A dictionary with dictation

The Australian National Dictionary Centre recently made ranga its word of the month and added it to the Oxford Australia Dictionary. The story of how it came to prominence is an interesting one – not hard when Jonah Takalua plays a role. Ranga is an abbreviation of orang-utan (a primate with reddish-brown hair native to the rainforests of Indonesia and Malaysia). The first written evidence for the term as applied to red-haired people appears in Australian newspapers in the early 2000s. There is earlier US evidence for the use of ranga as a general term of abuse (equating to calling someone a monkey) but the specific application to red-haired people is Australian. The word ranga first received wide exposure in 2007 when it was used in the first episode of Summer Heights High. But enough about that crap because once again, North Korea has blatantly defied United Nations Security Council resolutions and ignored international appeals not to proceed with a rocket launch. North Korea successfully launched said rocket today at 10am local time (2pm NZ time), boosting the "credentials" of its new leader and stepping up the threat the isolated and impoverished state poses to its opponents. The rocket - which North Korea says put a weather satellite into orbit - has been labelled by the United States, South Korea, and Japan as a test of technology that could one day deliver a nuclear warhead capable of hitting targets as far as the continental United States, who should themselves be using said technology back. North Korea have already messed up one rocket launch this year, and it cost them a lot of money. And speaking of money, the radio station at the centre of a hoax call that tragically backfired has pledged money - in other words, all advertising profits for the remainder of 2012 - to the family of a London nurse who took her own life. Jacintha Saldanha answered a hoax call from presenters Mel Greig and Michael Christian of Sydney station 2Day FM, who impersonated the Queen and Prince Charles as they sought information about the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge's condition. Ms Saldanha passed the call to a duty nurse who gave the presenters confidential information about the Duchess. The 46-year-old mother of two was found dead in London on Friday in an apparent suicide.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Apple Maps

Today is the 40th anniversary of Apollo 17 landing on the Moon. And I hope our Jewish readers are having a happy Hanukkah. Now that that's all out of the way, I never thought an Apple product would get a bad mention here. But police in the Australian town of Mildura say they have rescued a half-dozen motorists in recent weeks who were using Apple Maps to navigate to the city only to find themselves stranded in the wilderness of a national park. Apple recognized a few months ago that its iOS map app was so inefficient that it encouraged use of competing apps. Now police in Australia are suggesting that such a move might save the lives of motorists Down Under. So just do it already and don't switch back until they get it right.

Margin doubles in Manchester

Man United won another classic Manchester derby 3-2 at Etihad Stadium this morning, even after City had fought back from two goals down. Man United's first two goals both came from Wayne Rooney, and the other one was scored by Robin van Persie, who had the final say in injury time to end City's proud run and inflict their first league defeat since last April. Man City's goals were scored by Yaya Toure and Pabo Zabaleta. Five players received yellow cards.

Manny not so handy now

Juan Manuel Marquez threw a "perfect punch" to knock out Manny Pacquiao in the sixth round of their non-title welterweight bout, earning his first win over the Filipino in four attempts. The 39-year-old Mexican, who had lost twice and drawn once in their three previous meetings, sent Pacquiao crashing to the canvas with a stinging right hand with one second left in a bruising round at the MGM Grand Garden Arena. Well done, Marquez, but we have another knockout to share with everyone: Gangnam Style is now over 100 million views ahead of Baby by Justin Bieber, who should just pick one and stick with it already: be with Selena Gomez or not be with her?

Buffalo soldier in the heart of Washington

Washington (the state, not the city) has made history as the first in the US to legalise marijuana for adult recreational use, an occasion celebrated by dozens of users near Seattle's famed Space Needle amid blaring reggae music and a haze of pot smoke. The pre-dawn public gathering defied a key provision of the state's landmark marijuana law, which allows possession of small amounts of marijuana but forbids users from lighting up outside the privacy of their homes. The Washington law does however legalise possession of up to 16 ounces (0.45 kg) of solid cannabis-infused goods - like space cakes (i.e. brownies or cookies with weed in them) - and up to 72 ounces (2.4 kg) of weed in liquid form. OK so this new measure will mean more pot-heads in the area, but it will also mean that a new source of tax has been opened up to the state government, reggae music will become more popular, and Rastafarians can practise this important part of their religion without finding themselves behind bars.

Nine hundred million for the dancing horse

That's right, Gangnam Style has hit 900,000,000 views. Now that the good news is out of the way, here's some bad news: Rupert Murdoch's awards-season soiree for Ang Lee's Life of Pi has been canceled because of the death of his mother on Tuesday. But now for some more good news: New Zealand's reputation for clean government continues to sparkle, as the country again comes out best in Transparency International's global corruption perceptions index. This makes us first equal with Denmark and Finland. This also makes eight consecutive years that New Zealand has been first or first equal on the CPI. On the same index, North Korea and Somalia are last equal again, this time with Afghanistan.

Looks like the Mayans were only partly right

Well-known New Zealanders have banded together in a new video to show solidarity for the proposed Marriage Amendment Bill. Former Governor General Dame Cath Tizard, Olympian Danyon Loader, supermodel Rachel Hunter, and psychologist Nigel Latta are among the more than 20 Kiwi icons who took part in filming the video in Auckland. The Definition of Marriage Amendment Bill, sponsored by Labour MP Louisa Wall, passed its first reading in Parliament in August by a convincing 80 votes to 40. Meanwhile, over the Tasman, Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard has delivered a chilling message confirming what many people around the world feared: the Mayans were right. Julia Gillard's 50-second message addresses her "dear remaining fellow Australians". She steps in ahead of CSIRO scientists to foreshadow the world's impending doom. For those who aren't even aware of the potentially overblown hype, according to the Mayan calendar, the world will meet its fiery end on the 21st. Ms Gillard lists the likely doomsday bringers to be flesh-eating zombies, demonic hell-beasts, or K-Pop. And speaking of K-Pop, as "Gangnam Style" gallops toward 1 billion views on YouTube, the first Asian pop artist to capture a massive global audience has gotten richer click by click. So too has his agent and his grandmother. But the money from music sales isn't flowing in from the rapper's homeland South Korea or elsewhere in Asia. With one song, 34-year-old Park Jae-sang (better known as PSY) is set to become a millionaire from YouTube ads and iTunes downloads, underlining a shift in how money is being made in the music business. An even bigger dollop of cash will come from TV commercials. From just those sources, PSY and his camp will rake in at least US$8.1 million this year, according to an analysis by The Associated Press of publicly available information and industry estimates. But he'll earn less than US$60,000 from online music sales in South Korea.

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WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Murder-suicides

Jovan Belcher, an American football player for the Kansas City Chiefs, shot his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins on Saturday and then later shot himself. According to Police Captain David Lindaman, Perkins and Belcher got into an argument at their house and Belcher shot Perkins around 7:50am Central Standard Time. After shooting Perkins, Belcher headed to the Chiefs training facility where he talked to Chiefs General Manger Scott Pioli and Head Coach Romeo Crennel. Belcher thanked them for their support and then proceeded to shoot himself. He's lucky not to be facing murder charges, but still, he shouldn't have killed either his girlfriend or himself. He had so much to live for, including but not limited to Gangnam Style. But now for something entirely unrelated: Brazilian oil giant Petrobras has pulled out of New Zealand, but the Government is hoping another company will pick up from where it left off.

Implants cause unnecessary stir

EastEnders star Rita Simons (pictured in character as Roxy Mitchell) was horrifed when she was accused of child abuse for deciding her deaf daughter should undergo an operation to enable her to hear. Simons and her husband Theo Silveston have decided their six-year-old Maiya will have a cochlear implant fitted, to give her hearing in both ears. However, their decision has been met with a negative reaction by some people, including one bellend who accused her of abuse. I do not believe that giving a deaf child the ability to hear can, in any way, shape, or form, be classed as child abuse. Despite starring in a show which, apart from its catchy theme tune, is just rubbish, she is a good mother who would throw herself in front of a bus for her children, and was being judged by someone who didn't know her or understand her emotional stance at all. Of course it's not a miracle cure and Maiya's hearing won't be perfect, but in time, her brain will process what it is hearing and compensate, making sounds more familiar to her. All Rita and Theo want to do is give their daughter back what she has lost and help to expand her life. I mean, if you've got the opportunity to give a child the gift of sound, why would you not do that?

United still ahead of City

Enrique Peña has taken office as the new president of Mexico. But on the other side of the Atlantic, Manchester United established a three-point lead at the head of the Barclays Premier League table after edging a seven-goal thriller against Reading this morning (NZ time) at Madejski Stadium. All the game’s talking points were confined to a faintly ludicrous first period as Man United trailed, levelled, led, trailed, levelled, and then led decisively going into the interval. Reading's goals were scored by Hal Robson-Kanu, Adam Le Fondre, and Sean Morrison. Man United's goals were scored by Anderson, Wayne Rooney, Wayne Rooney again, and Robin van Persie. Two players were yellow-carded.

Cola with Health Benefits

The Supreme Court took no action yesterday on a pending series of appeals over the divisive issue of same-sex marriage. The justices had a closed-door conference to consider whether to accept for review several challenges to federal and state laws restricting the ability of gay and lesbian couples to legally wed. But the court, without explanation, had nothing to report on the pending appeals. It was perhaps a sign it needed more time to consider the complex legal and constitutional questions. But here's a question to ponder in the meantime: is a healthy soda an oxymoron? That is the question posed by Pepsi's latest refresher, which claims to fend off fat. Pepsi Special, the new drink distributed by Suntory Holdings Limited (Pepsi's partner in Japan), contains dextrin, a dietary fiber that dissolves in water and is found in fiber supplements such as Benefiber. Eaten appropriately, in fiber-rich foods such as vegetables and fruits, fiber helps to regulate the digestive system, lower cholesterol, and may lower the risk of heart disease. A Suntory news release claims the drink acts by suppressing the absorption of fat and can inhibit the rise in triglycerides after a meal, making it, potentially, the first "healthy" soda. But this is currently only available in Japan, and as odd as the fiber-packed cola sounds, it's not the first to debut in Japan. But I'm sure it will prove to be a hit like Gangnam Style. And speaking of Gangnam Style, a Los Angeles-area restaurant named Gangnam Chicken opened in San Mateo earlier in the week. Chicken — fried and otherwise — is obviously in the forefront. But there are also Korean dishes (with names like bibimbap and galbi) and three kinds of pizzas: sweet potato, bulgogi, and “Gangnam Style” (sweet potato pizza with fun bite size crusts filled with sweet potato mousse). They also advertise that they change the frying oil every other day. So if you're in the area, check it out.

Lesbian gets slugged

The Bellend of the Month for November 2012 is Travis Hawkins Jr. He was charged last weekend by police in Mobile County, Alabama, for allegedly beating a woman who is romantically involved with his sister. Hawkins was bailed following a charge for second-degree assault, but the victim's family have told reporters they believe it to be a hate crime and called for the prosecutors to upgrade the charges against Hawkins. I wouldn't blame them, because beating up on women is just weak, especially if it has something to do with their sexual orientation. Hawkins should rot in jail for his misdeed.

West Ham get hammed

Robin van Persie scored after just 33 seconds at Old Trafford this morning to vanquish West Ham and maintain Manchester United’s position at the summit of the Barclays Premier League. The Dutchman’s 12th goal since his summer move from Arsenal was enough to settle an entertaining fixture and end a worrying five-game streak in which the Reds have conceded first. Although Sir Alex’s men scored just once, there were plenty of positives from the performance, including a first clean sheet in 10 games. However, the same couldn't be said about the on-field discipline because two players got booked. And speaking of two men, will Two and a Half Men be changing its name to Two Men by season's end? That seems to be the question on everyone's mind after star Angus T. Jones publicly trashed the show, calling it "filth," and revealed he no longer wishes to be on the CBS comedy. I don't blame him. Two and a Half Men is just a load of filth that no sane person would wish on their worst enemy. And speaking of enemies, the Internet has a powerful enemy in the form of some bellends who like defacing websites. The Romanian domain names of Google, Yahoo, Microsoft, Kaspersky Lab, and other companies were hijacked yesterday and redirected to a hacked server in the Netherlands. The hijacking occurred at the DNS (Domain Name System) level, with attackers modifying the DNS records for google.ro, yahoo.ro, microsoft.ro, hotmail.ro, windows.ro, kaspersky.ro, and paypal.ro, according to Costin Raiu, director of the global research and analysis team at security vendor Kaspersky Lab.

Sweatshop on fire

Order books and clothing found at a Bangladeshi factory where a fire killed 112 people show that it was making clothing for Disney, Wal-Mart, Sears, and other Western brands. The Associated Press discovered clothing and records connected to the retailers today while police announced the arrests of three factory officials who are suspected of locking in workers who were killed in Saturday's fire. Workers who survived the fire say exit doors were locked, fire extinguishers didn't work, and managers had told them to go back to work after the fire alarm rang. A fire official has said that far fewer people would have died if there had been just one emergency exit. This is clearly an act of sabotage. Somebody must hate America an awful lot if they burnt down such a busy factory so close to the Christmas shopping season. In other news, a UN General Assembly committee condemned Syria, Iran, and North Korea for human rights violations in votes criticised by all three countries.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Dan White

Today is the 34th anniversary of the worst thing that said bellend has ever done. I'm talking about the killings of San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and his openly gay supervisor Harvey Milk, who were shot and killed in San Francisco City Hall by White, who was angry that Moscone had refused to re-appoint him to his seat on the Board of Supervisors, which White had not long resigned, and that Milk had lobbied heavily against his re-appointment. That is not something to shoot anyone over, and he himself should've been shot for doing such a stupid act.

Gangnam becomes #1 style

Tired of that "Gangnam Style" song? You shouldn't be, because it has become the most watched video in YouTube history. As of Saturday, the video by South Korean rapper PSY has been viewed 805 million times, surpassing Justin Bieber's “Baby,” which had 803 million views. And it can only get bigger because according to YouTube, the video is watched between 7 million and 10 million times a day around the world. That's right, Justin Bieber is no longer the flavour of the moment. And neither is a real-life Grinch, who was arrested after he spoiled the holiday cheer at a parade, telling children that Santa isn’t real. The unidentified 24-year-old man, who had his hair gelled to look as though devil horns were protruding from his head, was arrested by police in the Canadian town of Kingston last week during the annual Santa Claus parade, authorities said in statement. The St. Nicholas naysayer, who is already on probation, faces criminal charges of causing a disturbance by being drunk. I'm sure there's a good-sized spot on Santa's naughty list and a huge lump of coal waiting for that bellend.

Reds back on top after beating QPR

There may be those who are finding Manchester United's form frustrating this season but there is no disputing the entertainment and spirit this morning at Old Trafford. Queen's Park Rangers' Jamie Mackie scored the first goal early in the second half, and Man United's goals came from Jonny Evans, Darren Fletcher, and Javier Hernandez. Two yellow cards were dished out.

This time, J.R.'s dead

Larry Hagman, whose predatory oil baron J.R. Ewing on television's long-running nighttime soap opera "Dallas" became a symbol for 1980s greed and coaxed forth a Texas-sized gusher of TV ratings, has died at the age of 81. Hagman, who returned as J.R. in a new edition of "Dallas" this year, passed away yesterday afternoon (Central Standard Time) due to complications from his battle with cancer, according to a statement from the family. "Larry was back in his beloved hometown of Dallas, re-enacting the iconic role he loved the most," the family said. "Larry's family and closest friends had joined him in Dallas for the Thanksgiving holiday."

Also dead is Deborah Raffin, an actress who had roles in movies like “Forty Carats” and “Once Is Not Enough”. She died on Wednesday at 59. The cause was leukaemia, and the disease was diagnosed about a year ago. Besides her film roles, Raffin starred in television movies and mini-series, most notably playing the actress Brooke Hayward in “Haywire” and a business executive in “Noble House,” based on the James Clavell saga set in Hong Kong.

There is one more death to mention tonight, this time, it's somebody's career. Kevin Clash, the actor who created the voice and persona of Elmo on Sesame Street, resigned from the children's show this week in the wake of a new allegation that he had a sexual relationship with an underage boy. A federal lawsuit was filed this morning in New York, said Jeff Herman, the attorney for the second accuser, who he identified as Cecil Singleton. It was not yet known how much money Singleton sought in the suit, but the scandal could put millions of dollars at risk for the Sesame Street brand.

Resigned to resignation

Two news co-anchors surprised their co-workers, their audience, and their bosses when they tendered their resignation live on-air. Former co-anchors Cindy Michaels and Tony Consiglio announced that they were quitting at the end of Tuesday's 6pm newscast on Bangor, Maine's ABC affiliate station WVII. Prior to the statement, they had not told anyone else of their plans. They later cited frustration with their management. On the newscast, the two didn't give specific reasons on the air for their sudden departure. Consiglio said that while they enjoyed reporting the news, "some recent developments have come to our attention, though, and departing together is the best alternative we can take." I don't blame them. There are times in my almost quarter-century on this planet where quitting the activity I was engaged in at the time would've made a huge statement. For instance, in August of 2004, during a rehearsal for The Diary of Anne Frank. My class were doing an abridged version of the play, which meant that one character wouldn't have any lines for four consecutive scenes, so some of my lines in Act 2 Scene 1 had to be re-assigned. The change wasn't communicated to everyone adequately, so both of us were saying the same line at the same time (which starts out "It's a man in the storeroom" and can be viewed here), which led to a shouting match (which wasn't helped by another of the cast members refusing to give me a chair to hit the other person with) which ended in me not exchanging any blows and instead getting the principal involved. Maybe quitting the production would've made a stronger statement five weeks out from final performances. And speaking of Anne Frank, today is a week after the 70th anniversary of the eighth member (a dentist named Pfeffer or Dussel) joining the Secret Annex. In other news, signs of a boom abound in Myanmar. Flights to Yangon are full, hotel rooms booked solid. Foreign bars are packed with well-fed Westerners in khakis and jeans, 21st-century prospectors drawn to this golden frontier. Myanmar got a further boost this week from President Barack Obama, who became the first serving U.S. president to visit the long-isolated nation, an endorsement that has not gone unnoticed by global investors. But despite America's leadership in welcoming Myanmar back into the international community, U.S. companies have so far not signed any big deals — a situation few expect to change soon.

Black Friday about to turn sour for one corporation

Shoppers and stores around America are preparing for big Black Friday sales, but a group of Walmart workers are getting ready for a protest. The union-backed group OUR Walmart, which has helped organise the post-Thanksgiving walk-out, expects thousands of workers around the country to participate. Workers say they are joining the protest to ask the country's largest employer to end what they call retaliation against speaking out for better pay, fair schedules, and affordable health care. I'm sure the protests, and the timing of said protests, will prove to be a huge embarrassment for the Arkansas-based national retailer. But I won't be taking part because I don't have any sort of job anywhere, and because Walmart doesn't exist in New Zealand. But you should get a job because unemployment is a significant risk factor for acute myocardial infarction (heart attack), as results of a large cohort study suggested. The risk does however fade with joblessness lasting more than a year. Among more than 13,000 participants in the Health and Retirement Study, the hazard ratio in those looking unsuccessfully for work was 1.35 relative to the continuously employed, after adjusting for sociodemographic factors like insurance status, smoking, alcohol consumption, certain comorbidities, and body mass index. And speaking of index, European stock index futures pointed to a higher open today, with stocks set to rise for the fourth straight day, buoyed by data showing China's manufacturing sector expanded for the first time in 13 months.

Rimsha's off the hook

A court in Islamabad has dropped all charges against Rimsha Masih, a young Christian girl who provoked a global outcry when she was arrested for blasphemy in August. The 14-year-old was detained when a neighbour claimed she had burned pages of a religious book. She spent three weeks on remand in an adult prison. However, she was freed on bail after witnesses said she had been framed by a local Muslim prayer leader. The case, involving an illiterate girl from a persecuted minority, sparked calls for reform of Pakistan's harsh blasphemy laws, which carry the death penalty and are used frequently to settle personal scores. Under these laws, thousands are arrested each year on flimsy evidence and anyone daring to call for reform faces the threat of assassination. But the fact that the case has been dismissed isn't the only good news: Hafiz Mohammed Khalid Chishti, an imam who first gave police the burned papers as evidence against her, has been arrested for desecrating the Koran and tampering with evidence. It would be nice to think that the Islamabad High Court has set a new precedent in the treatment of blasphemy allegations, but Pakistan's blood-curdling blasphemy laws still need to be reformed. In other Pakistan-related news, British-based Islamic radicals are preparing to announce a fatwa on Malala Yousafzai, the 15-year-old girl shot by the Taliban, for her role in standing up to extremists.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Justin and Selena

After dominating the American Music Awards on Sunday night (Pacific Standard Time), Justin Bieber kept his winning streak going. The 18-year-old pop star arrived at the music awards show with his mother, Pattie Mallette, as his date - but was spied leaving with Selena Gomez. Their latest reunion two days after their attempt at a reconciliation dinner at a Japanese restaurant in Los Angeles was cooked before the raw fish could even be served. Seriously, which one is it? Do they prefer together or apart? Nobody knows, but if it were me and Bieber, I'd prefer apart. And I'd be talking a great distance apart. Why? Because he thinks he can sing but he can't. His music is best kept at Guantanamo only to be played during interrogations. I'm sure the mere thought of Justin Bieber would be enough on its own to break any terrorist.

The fourteenth baktun is soon upon the Ugandan gay community

Uganda will pass a new law against homosexuality by the end of 2012 as a "Christmas gift" to its advocates, the speaker of parliament has said. The Associated Press news agency quoted Rebecca Kadaga as saying that Ugandans were "demanding" the law. OK so homosexual acts are already illegal in Uganda, but the controversial bill, which is before parliament, proposes tougher sentences for people convicted under it. Foreign donors have threatened to cut aid if gay rights are not respected. I wouldn't blame them. Homosexuality is not a choice. Going Gangnam Style is. And apparently, it's still going strong, and every time someone signals the death of Gangnam Style, up pops another high-profile figure (be it President Obama, the mayor of London, China's top dissident artist, or Madonna) to keep the phenomenon alive. In the four months since the music video by South Korean rapper Psy went viral on YouTube, it has been name-checked and imitated by an impressive roster of global notables from world leaders to sports stars and business tycoons. And the public has joined in with tens of thousands turning out for giant flashmob performances of Psy's horse-riding dance in cities like Paris and Rome. While many believe Gangnam Style will ultimately prove to be a one-hit wonder, the song has shown surprising staying power and an unlikely ability to penetrate international corridors of power. And it now has an Afrikaans twist - a singer named Dirk van der Westhuizen is "sampling" the massive viral hit in his new track called Supercool (Gangnam Style). This "club track" features Pretoria-based singer Dirk - who has just released his second album Is Dit Jy - styling himself after Psy and even incorporating the famous Gangnam Style dance into the video's choreography, backed by a bevy of busty beauties. To see the video, click here.

Poo goes down at Carrow Road

Manchester United slipped to second spot in the Barclays Premier League after losing to Norwich City this morning in an insipid encounter at Carrow Road. Anthony Pilkington scored the only goal in this game, and Rafael got the only yellow card. But I'm sure those bellends at Norwich City played well.

I should have never seen the new Twilight movie

And it's not because it was bound to suck. But first, today is the 44th anniversary of the Heidi Game. This was an American football game played on November 17, 1968. The home team, the Oakland Raiders, defeated the New York Jets, 43–32. The game is remembered for its exciting finish, as Oakland scored two touchdowns in the final minute to overcome a 32–29 New York lead. The Heidi Game obtained its name because NBC controversially broke away from the game with the Jets still winning to air the television film Heidi at 7pm in the Eastern Time Zone. In the late 1960s, few professional football games took longer than two and a half hours to play, and the Jets–Raiders three-hour time slot was thought to be adequate. A high-scoring contest, together with a number of injuries and penalties for the two bitter American Football League rivals, caused the game to run long. NBC executives had ordered that Heidi must begin on time, but given the exciting game, they decided to postpone the start of the film and continue football coverage. As 7pm approached, many members of the public called NBC to inquire about the schedule, either to complain or opine, jamming NBC's switchboards. As NBC executives were trying to call the same switchboards to implement their decision, the change could not be communicated, and Heidi began as scheduled. The movie pre-empted the final moments of the game in the eastern half of the country, to the outrage of viewers who missed two Oakland touchdowns that turned the game around.

Now onto why I should have never seen the new Twilight movie. The fight scene at the end was such a let-down. The fight was actually quite well choreographed, but it was all just one character's imagination, and the scene ended with them deciding they wouldn't fight that day. It was as if M Night Shyamalan was the real director. There, I said it. Now please don't subject yourself to that anticlimactic bull.

Bend it down under

Moves are underway to bring former England and Manchester United star David Beckham to play in the A-League. The Australian understands there have been tentative discussions with Beckham’s management for him to play in the A-League when his contract with US Major League club LA Galaxy ends next month. He has already visited Australia three times during his tenure at Galaxy. During said visits, he played against Sydney FC in 2007, Newcastle Jets in 2009, and Melbourne Victory last year. He is one of the biggest names in world football and I'm sure his presence in the A-League along with Italian superstar Alessandro Del Piero would take the national competition to another level. But what I'm more concerned about is whether or not the club he plays his first A-League game for will have the vast sums of money needed to bring this great man to their starting eleven.

Speaking of eleven, BP have blood on their hands. But what does that have to do with the number eleven? Well let me tell you: a list has just been released. The list in question is a list of the eleven workers who died after a blast on the BP-leased drilling rig Deepwater Horizon on April 20, 2010 (Central Daylight Time) about 50 miles (80 km) southeast of the Louisiana coast in the Gulf of Mexico. The rig was owned by the Swiss firm Transocean Ltd. It was drilling the Macondo well, in which BP was the majority owner. On the morning of April 22 — after burning for about a day and a half — the Deepwater Horizon sank. It rests on the bottom about a mile below the Gulf surface. None of the men worked directly for BP. Two were employed by M-I Swaco (a division of oil field services company Schlumberger) and the other nine worked for Transocean. The men were:

• Jason Anderson, 35, of Midfield, TX. A father of two. His wife, Shelley, said Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday. Anderson began preparing a will in February 2010 and kept it in a spiral notebook. It sank with the rig.
• Aaron Dale "Bubba" Burkeen, 37, of Philadelphia, MS. His death at the Deepwater Horizon came on his wedding anniversary and four days before his birthday. He was married with two children.
• Donald Clark, 49, of Newellton, LA. He was scheduled to leave the rig on April 21, the day after the blast.
• Stephen Ray Curtis, 40, of Georgetown, LA., Curtis was married and had two teenagers.
• Gordon Jones, 28, of Baton Rouge, LA. Jones arrived on the rig the day before the explosion. He died three days before his sixth wedding anniversary and 10 minutes after talking to his pregnant wife, Michelle Jones. Their son, Max, was born three weeks later.
• Roy Wyatt Kemp, 27, Jonesville, LA. Kemp was married. His daughter's birthday was 3 days before the explosion. Kemp was scheduled to leave the rig on April 21.
• Karl Kleppinger Jr., 38, of Natchez, MS. Kleppinger was a veteran of the first Gulf War and the father of one child.
• Keith Blair Manuel, 56, of Gonzales, LA. Manuel had three daughters. He was a fan of LSU athletics and had football and basketball season tickets.
• Dewey A. Revette, 48, of State Line, MS. Revette had been married to his wife, Sherri, for 26 years when the rig exploded. He was scheduled to leave the rig on April 21.
• Shane M. Roshto, 22, of Liberty, MS. His wife, Natalie, filed a lawsuit April 21, 2010, saying she suffered post-traumatic stress disorder after her husband was killed in the explosion. He was set to leave the rig on April 21.
• Adam Weise, 24, Yorktown, TX. Weise drove 10 hours to Louisiana every three weeks to work on the rig. A high school football star, he spent off- time hunting and fishing. He was scheduled to leave the rig on April 21.

In other news, Katy Perry was horrified when a romantic meal with boyfriend John Mayer at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills almost turned into a confrontation with her ex husband and she ducked under her table to avoid him.

No witnesses doesn't mean no crime

That's right, just because you thought nobody would see you doing the deed in public doesn't mean that they can't put you away for indecency. A couple from Italy found that out the hard way today. Italy's highest court has rejected their appeal, in which they said they should not have been convicted of obscene acts in public because they had sex outside while the rest of their town was inside watching a football match. The couple, then a 60-year-old man and a 40-year-old woman, were caught having sex outside in southern Italy in 2006 while the national football team was playing against Ukraine in the World Cup quarterfinals in Germany. Their defence at a previous trial was that they had timed their tryst under the stars so they would not offend anyone, because everyone else would be watching the game on television. But just for the record, not everyone is into soccer. Even though every other sport is relegated to the background during the World Cup, not everybody in town would be at home watching soccer. There is a chance that somebody could be in the area watching the spectacle. And speaking of glasses, downtown roads around a luxury hotel in Toronto remained closed for hours after a panel of glass fell from an upper floor of the building yesterday afternoon (Eastern Standard Time). A panel of glass fell from the 34th floor of the Trump International Hotel & Tower around 4:10 p.m. EST, striking several vehicles below near the intersection of Bay and Adelaide streets, police said. As a result, several roads around the building were closed off during the busy rush hour, including the eastbound lanes of Adelaide Street at Bay. The roads finally reopened after seven hours.

Clashing with reality

Before we begin today’s post, let’s take a moment of silence. Yesterday was the 30th anniversary of a boxing match that should have been stopped a lot shorter than it was. The boxers, Ray Mancini and Kim Duk Koo, met in an arena outside Caesars Palace on November 13, 1982. They went toe to toe for a good portion of the bout, to the point that Mancini briefly considered quitting. Kim tore open Mancini's left ear and puffed up his left eye, and Mancini's left hand swelled to twice its normal size. After the fight, Mancini's left eye would be completely closed. However, by the latter rounds, Mancini began to dominate, landing many more punches than Kim did. Had the fight stopped after 12 rounds, all would have been well. But when the fighters came out for the 14th round, Mancini charged forward and hit Kim with a right. Kim reeled back, Mancini missed with a left, and then Mancini hit Kim with another hard right hand. Kim went flying into the ropes, his head hitting the canvas. Incredibly, Kim managed to unsteadily rise to his feet, but referee Richard Green stopped the fight and Mancini was declared the winner by TKO nineteen seconds into the 14th round. Ralph Wiley of Sports Illustrated, covering the fight, would later recall Kim pulling himself up the ropes as he was dying "One of the greatest physical feats I had ever witnessed." But if I were the ref, I would've stopped the fight after twelve rounds because 15 is just too much for most boxers. Sadly, the ref didn’t see it that way, but he felt so bad about letting the fight continue that he ended up killing himself the following summer (Northern Hemisphere summer).

But now that that one piece of important business is out of the way, we can now get to something more current: Kevin Clash, the man who's lent Elmo his voice since 1984, has taken a leave of absence from Sesame Street amid accusations from a 23-year-old man who says Clash had sex with him when he was 16 and Clash was 45. But Sesame Workshop says it believes the allegations "are false and defamatory," and that Clash is taking leave so he can "protect his reputation." Clash's accuser has accused Sesame Workshop of trying to silence him, and has hired a team of lawyers that represented one of Jerry Sandusky's victims. But there won’t be any trial to worry about because that bellend has since recanted his little sob story. He seriously needs to get a life. He may have only been going after Kevin Clash because he’s black, and anyone, including but not limited to Obama, could be next.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Anders Behring Breivik

That bellend complained in a letter to the Norwegian prison service last week that his coffee is served cold, he does not have enough butter for his bread, and he is not allowed moisturiser. None of those three things would bother me that much - cold coffee is still coffee, butter tastes like barf, and moisturiser is for girls. And besides, prison is supposed to be a punishment. Breivik did a horrible thing and he is serving a minimum 21-year sentence (which can be indefinitely extended for as long as he is considered a danger to society) for it. He has other complaints (my responses to the complaints will be shown in brackets):

• the handcuffs he wears when being moved around the prison "are too sharp" and "cut in his wrist" (which is basically how the victims' families feel when thinking about their loved ones who had died at the hands of Breivik);
• the cell is too cold, forcing him to wear three layers of clothes (but a lot of other people in Norway would have to wear even more layers because it can get really cold outside);
• he has to rush his morning shave and brushing of teeth (as do a lot of non-prisoners when they're running late); and
• light and television switches are outside the cell, so he has to ask for help to change the channel or sleep (he should be lucky he even has these modern conveniences in his cell because there are people who don't have a television or even electric lighting, let alone know how to work the gadget/s).

Maybe all that will make him appreciate his freedom and stay on the right side of the law so he doesn't go back to jail after being released.

Gangster Style in Kenya

A hard-hitting movie about gang culture has become the first-ever film from Kenya to be considered for an Oscar. "Nairobi Half Life" has recently been shown in London at Film Africa 2012, having already made history as the most successful theatrical release for a local film in Kenya, according to its producers. It's the debut film from Kenyan director David "Tosh" Gitonga, who says he wants to change views about crime in the country. "We keep saying crime is wrong, but are we really looking at why there is crime?" he says. "I don't believe Kenyans get into crime for fun and giggles." Neither do I, but the film has been selected as the Kenyan entry for the Best Foreign Language Oscar at the 85th Academy Awards, and it is the first time Kenya have submitted a film in this or any other Oscar category. I haven't seen it yet, but the premise makes you think - why can't those bellends go Gangnam instead of gangster? And speaking of Gangnam, Zara Phillips and her fellow Team GB equestrian team members will be dancing ‘Gangnam Style’ to raise money for Children in Need. The Royal, Olympian, and granddaughter to the Queen will be dancing in full equestrian kit to the strains of Psy’s surprise electro-pop hit, which has spawned many an imitation (including but not limited to one by some Eton schoolboys and one that got a group of lifeguards fired).

Villa lose due to own goal

This morning (NZ time) at Villa Park, Manchester United once again had to come from behind but showed incredible spirit to beat Aston Villa 3-2. Man United scored twice courtesy of Javier Hernandez, and again courtesy of an own goal by Ron Vlaar. Both of Aston Villa's goals were scored by Andreas Weimann. Two players, one from each team, got yellow-carded.

Save the cows for another occasion

Kenya's government plans to ban bride-price payments, legalise polygamy, and consider couples co-habiting for more than six months to be legally married. The controversial proposals were approved by the cabinet, but will not become law until passed by parliament. The cabinet said the bill aimed to offer legal protection to all forms of marriages in the country, be they Christian, Islamic, Hindu, civil, or traditional. But enough about that because authorities in Ghana have detained a municipal works official accused of allowing the construction of the multi-storey building which collapsed yesterday, killing at least 18 people. Carl Henry Clerk is accused of allowing the construction of the building to take place even though he had been alerted that it had no permit and had not passed a safety inspection. Police are also searching for the architect and the engineer of the building, which collapsed just nine months after it had been constructed. Even though this may be a tragedy for the people of Ghana, the solution does not need to involve a general witch-hunt. The engineer may have had something to do with said building being structurally unsound, but the architect only designed the building and generally doesn't have anything to do with what safety features, if any, were incorporated into the final structure. This is just like those Italian scientists who were jailed for not reliably predicting an earthquake. Earthquakes are not caused by, nor can they be predicted by, man.

140 + (life * 7) = sentence for Arizona gunman

Former Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords stood in federal court to face her would-be assassin moments before he was sentenced to life in prison for killing six people and wounding 13 others, including Giffords, last year. Jared Loughner, a 24-year-old college dropout with a history of psychiatric disorders, received seven consecutive life terms plus 140 years in prison, without the possibility of parole, under a plea deal with prosecutors that spares him the death penalty. U.S. District Judge Larry Burns said the life sentences he imposed - one for each of the six people who lost their lives and a seventh for the attempted assassination of Giffords - represented the individuality of the victims. The lengthy sentence means that barring any potential escape, Loughner will never have the opportunity to pick up a gun and do this again. And another murderer was also dealt to this week: 47-year-old Jerome Isaac, a former handyman who doused a 73-year-old woman in petrol and burned her to death in an elevator in her apartment building, has pleaded guilty to her grisly murder. He admitted his guilt as part of a plea deal that will put him behind bars for 50 years for the death of Delores Gillespie in Brooklyn, New York last December. As he appeared in court in Brooklyn on Wednesday, his face was still scarred with burns that he sustained during the gruesome killing. The deal came after Isaac, who has been held in solitary confinement, was caught on surveillance camera attacking Gillespie after she returned home from buying groceries.

Trying the Dead

A bizarre legal bid to prosecute a dead man has been thrown out by a judge today, who said the case resembled a famous Monty Python comedy sketch involving a dead parrot. The case of two Korean trawler officers accused of dumping fish at sea was called at Christchurch District Court today. But while the skipper of Oyang 77, Dae Jun Lee, appeared in the dock, his co-accused, 42-year-old Soon Ill Hwang, was not present as he died in a car crash in China after charges were laid against him earlier this year. But there are still a lot of living people to try, for instance, a Rotorua painter who admitted a charge of obtaining by deception after he was paid $400 for a paint job he did not do. The painter, whose name is Nicholas Russell Matenga, appeared before a Community Magistrate in the Rotorua District Court yesterday and pleaded guilty to a charge of obtaining NZ$400 by deception. According to the police summary of facts, Matenga walked into the Ranolf Bakery in December last year when the owner was preparing for the bakery's grand opening the next day. Matenga introduced himself to the owner and walked around the bakery, looking at the fresh paint work. He made comments implying the work had not been done properly and said he had over 25 years' experience. This is not the sort of decorator that I would want to hire for my home or anyone else. But there is one person I would've at least considered for any sort of work had she not been killed for wanting such a job. That's right, a man in Herat in western Afghanistan has confessed to stabbing his wife to death to prevent her from taking a job outside the home, police said today. Mohammad Anwar, who was arrested in the provincial capital for the murder, said he killed his wife during an argument over whether she should work at private company in the city, for which he should be executed, as should two parents from Pakistan who killed their teenage daughter just for looking at a boy riding past on a motorbike. The girl's parents, Mohammad Zafar and his wife Zaheen, recounted the October 29 incident from jail. The father said the girl had turned to look at a boy who drove by on a motorcycle, and he told her it was wrong. "She said 'I didn't do it on purpose. I won't look again.' By then I had already thrown the acid. It was her destiny to die this way," the girl's mother told the BBC in an interview.

Celebrate more Obama, come on!

President Barack Obama rolled to re-election and a second term in the White House today with a clear victory over Republican challenger Mitt Romney. Romney called Obama to concede after the president's victories in Ohio and the heavily contested swing states of Virginia, Nevada, Iowa, and Colorado carried the Democrat past the 270 electoral votes needed for victory. Obama, America's first black president, won by convincing voters to stick with him as he tries to reignite strong economic growth and recover from the worst recession since the Great Depression of the 1930s. In the Congress and Senate elections, Obama's Democrats held their Senate majority, while Romney's Republicans retained House of Representatives control. Democrat Claire McCaskill retained her U.S. Senate seat from Missouri, beating Republican congressman Todd Akin, who stirred controversy with his comment in August that women's bodies could ward off pregnancy in cases of "legitimate rape." Democrats gained a Senate seat in Indiana that had been in Republican hands for decades after Republican candidate Richard Mourdock called pregnancy from rape something that God intended. Democratic congressman Joe Donnelly won the race. But at least I didn't have to choose between a douche and a turd. And speaking of turds, a central African country has suspended New Zealand-based Internet entrepreneur Kim Dotcom's new website domain. The Gabon government said it was immediately suspending the me.ga site, which was due to be hosted on Gabon's .ga domain, to "protect intellectual property rights" and "fight cyber crime effectively", the phys.org website reported. The country's Communication Minister Blaise Louembe said Gabon could not "serve as a platform or screen for committing acts aimed at violating copyrights, nor be used by unscrupulous people". However, Dotcom's not giving up. He tweeted that he has an alternative domain. But whatever domain name he picks for the successor to Megaupload, I won't be using it if I can find good movies and TV shows elsewhere.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Suicide

Why suicide? Because on this day in 2004, some bellend named Brian Drysdale engaged in a successful suicide attempt and killed six more people (the train driver and five passengers, one of which survived but then died in hospital) in the process. That night at 6:12pm GMT (7:12 the following morning New Zealand Daylight Time), the First Great Western 17:35 service from Paddington Station (in London) to Plymouth (an InterCity 125 led by a Class 43 power car) collided with a stationary automobile at an automatic level crossing close to the rural Berkshire village of Ufton Nervet. The inquest concluded in November of 2007 that the accident was caused by Drysdale, at the time a chef at the nearby Wokefield Park Hotel, committing suicide by parking his car on the crossing. This is a reason why suicide should never be attempted. Killing yourself is one thing, but in this particular case, six others died in the process. And besides, killing others in the process is the main goal of suicide bombers, of which one detonated a bomb in the Hama province of Syria yesterday killing 50 Syrian military personnel. This attack is the largest attack on Bashar al-Assad's forces in the civil war so far.

Gas + water = disaster

About 30 motorists in Dunedin and Oamaru encountered engine problems after filling their vehicles with contaminated petrol from one of four stations last Friday. The fuel had been contaminated with water during "routine pipeline testing" at a terminal in Dunedin earlier in the day. The contaminated 91-octane petrol was delivered to three BP sites (Regent on George St, Dunedin North on Cumberland St, and the one in Oamaru) and Mobil Northgate on Cumberland St. The 91-octane fuel tanks at these stations were closed after the problem was discovered. All had since been cleaned and reopened, but this is just another reason not to use cars. There's already the fuel costs and driver licences etc to worry about, but you can't tell until you start your car whether or not there's water in the petrol. Of course water may seem like a cleaner fuel, but if it's mixed in with petrol and you unknowingly fill up your car with the ominous mixture, then you're going to have a bad time. Save the water for an attempt at sabotage.

Chelsea no longer on top

That's right, Chelsea have been knocked from the top of the Barclays Premier League table after Man United beat a ten-strong Arsenal 2-1 this morning at Old Trafford. Man United's goals were scored by Robin van Persie and Patrice Evra. Santi Carzola scored the goal for Arsenal. Eight players were booked; one of those, Jack Wilshere, was sent off for a second bookable offence.

It takes more to tango

Argentinian lawmakers passed a new measure on Wednesday lowering the nation's voting age to 16. Representatives in the South American country's lower house overwhelmingly voted in favor of the law, and a majority of senators approved it last week. The move to lower the voting age from 18 to 16 comes a year before a key mid-term election in Argentina, and some critics have said it's an attempt by President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and her party to garner more votes. But supporters of the measure say it will give young people more opportunities to participate in politics, and that could be a good thing. Now for a bad thing: police in northern England were called to investigate this week after children who were out trick-or-treating for Halloween were given small snap-top bags of what turned out to be cocaine. The bags, containing white powder, were given to police after they were handed to the children on Wednesday evening in the small town of Royton, Greater Manchester Police said in a statement. Testing confirmed that they contained cocaine, and a man was arrested. I've heard of dangerous items like razor blades hidden in Halloween candy but this is just wrong, as are rumours that Amanda Bynes wandered around a New York tanning salon completely naked in search of goggles to wear. She has reportedly threatened to sue a tabloid magazine over said story, which cited an unnamed eyewitness who said the former Nickelodeon star seemed "totally out of it" as she reportedly walked around the main lobby before returning to a private spray-tan room. "I'm not 'troubled,'" Bynes told Us Weekly on Thursday as she declared her intent to sue InTouch. "I don't get naked in public. I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, retired. Please respect my privacy." InTouch have already incurred the wrath of Tom Cruise in recent weeks, so to print sleaze about Amanda Bynes would not be a good idea for the time being. And neither is sticking your penis into the blades of a fan, something that Nickelback star Chad Kroeger admits he once paid his drum technician $375 to do. The band frequently got bored on the road and the rocker, who is now engaged to singer Avril Lavigne, admits he previously dared one of his pals to risk major injury just for some extra cash.

This elephant was made for talking

Korean is considered one of the hardest languages in the world to master, but an elephant in a South Korean zoo is making a good start. Koshik, a 22-year-old Asian elephant, has stunned experts and his keepers at Everland Zoo near Seoul by imitating human speech. Koshik can say the Korean words for "hello," "sit down," "no," "lie down," and "good." His trainer, Kim Jong Gap, first started to realize Koshik was mimicking him several years ago. "In 2004 and 2005, Kim didn't even know that the human voice he heard at the zoo was actually from Koshik," zoo spokesman In Cherl Kim said. "But in 2006, he started to realize that Koshik had been imitating his voice and mentioned it to his boss." So basically we're dealing with an elephant that can talk. That's quite amazing but what could be even more amazing is an elephant that can do that stupid Gangnam Style dance.

Small on size, big on awesome

For Apple fans desperate to be the first to get their hands on the company’s newest product, the iPad mini, there is only one place to be tomorrow – New Zealand. With Apple setting the launch date for iPad mini sales at 8 a.m. local time on Nov. 2, buyers in the small island nation have a significant time zone advantage. While New Zealand is not the first country in the world to wake up (that distinction going to Tokelau, Samoa, and the Line Islands), it is my homeland, the easternmost nation with an Apple retailer, and the first country in the world to sell the iPad mini. The iPad mini will go on sale across the country 20 hours before it does in Apple’s hometown San Francisco. In other iPad mini news, tomorrow's launch of the iPad mini will apparently mark the first time an iOS device carries stereo speakers. It appears that Apple's move to the smaller Lightning dock connector has left enough space for an additional speaker along the bottom edge of the device, although the company has for some reason elected not to make a similar addition to the larger-model iPad. So if you're looking to gift a tablet this holiday season, I suggest putting an iPad mini in the relevant stocking (or if Christmas is not your thing, whatever receptacle Hanukkah or Kwanzaa presents are put in). But for now, click here for a Tetris game built into a pumpkin. I'm sure it'll be better than Gangnam Style.

Toddler-gluing mother glued to a cell

Before I start, I am ending the Good Service Award. I can't find any one person to give the awards to each month, so this month, the second and final Good Service Award goes to everyone who is eligible.

The Bellend of the month for October 2012 is Elizabeth Escalona. This month, she was convicted of child abuse after she stuck her daughter Jocelyn's hands to the wall at the end of a brutal beating last year - one that left the toddler with a fractured rib, bleeding in her brain, and bite marks. It sent her into a coma for days. The 23-year-old mother of five exploded in rage because of potty training challenges with Jocelyn, and because of that, she is now behind bars for 99 years, but will be eligible for parole in October of 2042 (after 30 years). This sentence, while disproportionately severe, will send a very strong message to anybody engaging in child abuse or any other criminal behaviour: crime doesn't pay.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Google taxes

French President Francois Hollande is considering pushing for a new tax that would see search engines such as Google have to pay each time they use content from French media. However, Google has opposed the plan and threatened to bar French websites from its search results if the tax is imposed. And besides, none of the search engine giants are based in France, so the tax might not even be collectable much of the time. The thought of any government taxing search results is unfathomable.

Party of nine put in their place

Manchester United shaded a thoroughly entertaining top-of-the-table clash at Stamford Bridge this morning with Javier Hernandez netting the winner after Chelsea were reduced to nine men. The final score was 3-2, with Man United's goals being an own goal by David Luiz and one goal each by Robin van Persie and Javier Hernandez, and Chelsea's goals coming from Juan Mata and Ramires.

In the second half, Branislav Ivanovic was red-carded for a professional foul on Ashley Young, and Fernando Torres was dismissed for a second bookable offence - diving in a bid to win a foul following a clash with Jonny Evans. Three others were yellow-carded.

Shame Campaign Level 439932

But before I start on that, I hope our Muslim readers had an Eid Mubarak. Now that that's out of the way, the genre of “kid shaming” on the Internet continues to evolve. First there was “laptop-shooting dad,” then “poop in the shower dad.” The latest is brought to us by two Wisconsin parents, who hijacked their daughter’s Facebook page. The twist: They posted goofy and embarrassing pictures of themselves on it. After their daughter “got fresh” with her parents, they confiscated her phone for a week and took over her Facebook account as well. Next, they posted a series of wacky pictures of themselves for all of her friends to see. Thanks to her brother, the story and one of the pictures found its way to Reddit for the whole world to see. “My parents took away my sisters phone for the week. They've uploaded about 10 of these to her facebook. Doing it right!” AustinMac posted on the popular site. Now, although this particular punishment seems more lighthearted than earlier shaming examples, not everyone agrees that it’s all in good fun. Most parents would be outraged if another child used social media to humiliate their kids, yet if parents do this, they are often hailed as heroes. During 'Bully Prevention Month,' it's interesting that some view parental cyber-bullying as OK, when in actual fact, publicly shaming your kid isn't cool, and it doesn't work to change the child's behaviour. In fact, it likely intensifies the power struggle between parent and child. Discipline should help the child make a better choice in the future rather than shame them for past mistakes. Parental cyber-bullying, on the other hand, is simply a parent's attempt to 'get back at' the child. They don't take seriously their duty to deliberately teach better behaviour in a way that is helpful to the child. So to sum it up, those bellends did the wrong thing and they themselves could use a little shame. In other news, Rod Stewart has packed a lot of life into his 67 years and he uncovers it all in his new book, “Rod: The Autobiography.” The memoir is filled with page after page of sex, drugs, and of course, rock ‘n’ roll!

Armstrong still living strong

Lance Armstrong may have been stripped of his seven Tour de France titles and barred from Olympic sports for life after a report from the United States Anti-Doping Agency detailed how he used performance-enhancing drugs to win cycling races and coerced teammates to do the same. But he is still a rich man, with an estimated net worth of US$125 million. Independent advisers and lawyers say he is likely to hold on to most of that wealth - though he may have to give up an estimated US$3.9 million in prize money he won in the Tour and pay some hefty legal bills. But other than that, I'm sure he'll get through this embarrassment and be a stronger and better person for it, even though he will have to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. In other news, two people have been sentenced to a year in jail: a former Italian prime minister for tax fraud, and a man in central China for ringing a bell to end a national college entrance exam too early. In the former case, Silvio Berlusconi dodged huge amounts of tax by exaggerating the cost of film rights that he purchased for his Mediaset television empire. Some of the assets were diverted to overseas slush funds in Switzerland and Hong Kong in the €200 million scam. In the latter case, students were forced to hand in their papers nearly five minutes before the exam should have ended.

UN got Gangnam Style

Yahoo has acquired its first company under the leadership of new CEO Marissa Mayer: Stamped, a New York startup backed by a roster of celebrity investors, including Ryan Seacrest and Justin Bieber. But now onto a better musician: Psy. U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon met the K-Pop sensation on Tuesday, tried his best to ‘dress classy, dance cheesy,’ and finally scored the U.N. some cool points. The U.N. could however score more cool points by giving Resolution 2758 the boot. But back to the meeting between Psy and Ban Ki-moon. The two were an odd couple to behold. Bespectacled and wearing a proper suit, Ban looked every bit the serious dignitary. And with a trendy checkered sport coat and nattily unknotted bow tie, Psy appeared the quintessential Web supernova. One trail-blazed the U.N.’s work combating global warming and was instrumental in negotiating the peacekeeping resolution during the Darfur conflict. The other created a song and music video that has received over a half-billion views on YouTube while encouraging people of all generations to mock-gallop like a horse while chanting, “Hey, sexy lady.” And their importance to the country of South Korea, right now, may be of equal weight. And hey, at least their side of the 38th parallel doesn't blow ridiculous sums of money on failed rocket launches.

SURI IN TEARS, ABANDONED BY HER DAD... NOT!

44 DAYS WITHOUT TOM ... ABANDONED BY DADDY ... Suri is left heartbroken as Tom suddenly shuts her out and even misses her first day of school... HAS HE CHOSEN SCIENTOLOGY OVER SURI FOR GOOD?

I don't think so. Even if he fell for a huge global scam like Scientology, Tom Cruise would never hurt his daughter Suri like that. Also, he is not a litigious guy. But when sleaze peddlers try to make money with disgusting lies about his relationship with his child, you bet he's going to sue. Tabloid headlines that falsely trumpeted in bold letters that he "abandoned" his young daughter should cost the publisher US$50 million, the actor's lawyer said yesterday. The magazine covers appeared on Life & Style and InTouch in the weeks after Cruise divorced actress Katie Holmes, with whom he shares 6-year-old daughter Suri, according to a defamation lawsuit Cruise has filed in LA against the publisher.

Even though Tom Cruise isn't necessarily the best actor out there, he is a caring father who dearly loves Suri. Suri is a vital part of his life and always will be. To say he has 'abandoned' her is already a vicious lie, but to say it in lurid headlines with a tearful picture of Suri is reprehensible. Those serial defamers are a bunch of bellends who are only kept alive by making money from malicious lies, and I don't know whether the magazines, whose owners (Bauer Publishing Group) are headquartered in Germany, would be able to use the First Amendment as an excuse for printing sleaze. Maybe having to pay a libel judgement will slow those krauts down.

Seven Fuels of Grave

Three men accused of desecrating Jewish graves have appeared in court charged with wilful damage. A 19 and 20-year-old were granted interim name and image suppression at the Auckland District Court today but the other defendant, 23-year-old Nathan Symington, was not. The two men granted suppression had little to say outside court today, but Symington was keen to emphasise his innocence. "I'm fighting this to the bitter end," he said. "If I did it, I'd plead guilty straight away." So would I if I had done anything that despicable. But Symington’s only connection to the crime was through a friend who had taken a photo of the graffiti and sent it to him, which he then shared. And speaking of sharing, I have more to share tonight: forget the seven Tour de France victories. Forget the yellow jersey celebrations on the Champs Elysees. Forget the name that dominated the sport of cycling for so many years. As far as cycling's governing body is concerned, Lance Armstrong never existed. Once considered the greatest rider in Tour history, the American was cast out on Monday by his own sport, formally stripped of his seven titles, and banned for life for his involvement in a massive doping programme that tainted all of cycling and his own reputation. But I don’t see him as a doper. He is a respected cyclist who had beaten cancer as well as seven consecutive packs of riders. It’s unfortunate that this has happened to such an inspirational man. In my books, all seven of his Tour titles stand. But we have more on the books tonight because Kim Cattrall hasn't ruled out starring in Fifty Shades of Grey. The Sex and The City actress confirmed she is being considered for the role of mysterious older woman Elena Lincoln in the big screen adaptation of the racy novel. Cattrall revealed she is up against Uma Thurman for the sexy part. Cattrall, who has previously denied any involvement in the film, could have an advantage over Uma in the casting race for Fifty Shades of Grey. It has recently been revealed that Thurman has signed to another upcoming movie project (Lars Von Trier's Nymphomaniac) while Cattrall can fit Fifty Shades into her schedule. It’s anybody’s race, but whoever does play Elena is likely to share some steamy scenes with the lead male character Christian Grey. Stars linked to that role include Ryan Gosling, Ian Somerhalder, Matt Bomer, and Chris Pine. But whoever they pick for that role won’t matter because if they pick Mila Kunis for the role of Anastasia Steele, then I’ll just spend the entire movie jacking off to her scenes. Until then, here’s a scene worth getting in on: Stockton-on-Tees, a small city in northeastern England, has only one claim to fame. The first railway tracks were made and laid in the city in 1822, and the first train ran on those tracks in 1825. But it might one day have another claim, also related to transport: a local start-up company called Air Fuel Synthesis has just produced the first petrol from air and water. It's expensive now but their technique for making petrol from air and water can only get cheaper. They only made five litres in two months – it isn’t much but Peter Harrison, the company's chief executive, hopes within two years they'll build a larger plant producing a tonne a day. He envisages refinery-scale operations in fifteen years. "We've taken carbon dioxide from air and hydrogen from water and turned these elements into petrol," Harrison told a conference at the Institution of Mechanical Engineers in London. So what this could mean is that fuel may get cheaper and the world might never run out of petrol. But it also poses an ethical dilemma – would it really be right to misappropriate air meant for breathing and water meant for drinking? Turns out we might not have a choice. But America will have a choice in two weeks between a douche and a turd.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Foul play

Australian rugby player Scott Higginbotham joined a long list of rugby players who have lashed out at All Black skipper Richie McCaw. Higginbotham was cited yesterday for 'punching or striking' McCaw with both incidents coming in the 26th minute of the 18-all draw in Brisbane on Saturday night. McCaw's not new to being on the receiving end of illegal play having played 112 test matches at the highest level, but three incidents have come under the spotlight in the last 12 months following Dean Greyling's forearm strike during the Springboks' defeat in Dunedin and allegations of eye-gouging by Frenchman Aurelien Rougerie in the World Cup final. So here's what I think should be done to put bellends like Higginbotham in their place: the All Blacks senior players should select a player to became a sacrificial lamb, who will deal to any dirty player like Higginbotham. It would be better to play with 14 players knowing the opposition has got the message that if they play dirty with our skipper, they will be getting a ride in a stretcher.

Snooki back down to size

Reality TV star Nicole Polizzi has lost almost all her baby weight just eight weeks after giving birth to son Lorenzo. Chilean-born Polizzi, better known as Snooki, showed off her slimline physique in a photo posted to her Twitter account on Saturday, where her slender waist was on display in a belted skirt. But seriously, I just don't care. In other celebrity news, the ongoing saga of Lindsay Lohan and her parents is so oddly pathetic, her family can't even get an intervention right. TMZ.com reports that her father Michael tried one on Friday, and when he arrived at Lindsay's Beverly Hills home, she not only didn't let him in, she called the cops on him. Her mother Dina, of course, criticized Michael's intervention plan, telling TMZ, "This sole act by my ex was not an intervention nor was this extreme antic sanctioned by any member of Lindsay's family or her professional team of handlers. It's all about her father obsessed with making a name for himself in the news once again. It's sad and I hope he stops masquerading as her father in public and starts acting like one in private." But come on, guys. Who needs celebrity news when you can feast on this? A new study has revealed that the average Twitter user is an American woman with an iPhone, 208 followers, and a purple background on her profile. But I'm just glad that's not me.

Stoking the fires of success

Manchester United's deadly array of attacking talent combined to devastating effect as the Reds overcame Stoke City 4-2 this morning in another enthralling, goal-laden encounter at Old Trafford. Wayne Rooney scored three goals, one of them being an own goal for Stoke City. Stoke City's other goal was scored by Michael Kightly, and Man United's other goals were scored by Robin van Persie and Danny Welbeck. Two players received yellow cards.

Computers become private domain

Workplace computers contain so much personal information nowadays that employees have a legitimate expectation of privacy in using them, the Supreme Court of Canada said in a major ruling yesterday. The court said an individual’s Internet browsing history alone is capable of exposing his or her most intimate likes, dislikes, activities, and thoughts. So what this means is that any employee in Canada can have as much porn on their work computers as they want without getting busted. And speaking of bust, Chinese police have recently busted a telecom fraud gang. They arrested 86 suspects and solved over 200 criminal cases.

Graves encounter the gravest times

The Catholic Bishop of Auckland has expressed his disgust at the desecration of Jewish graves with anti-semitic obscenities, including Nazi swastikas, at a cemetery in Auckland. Police are investigating after around 20 headstones and graves were vandalised in a Jewish part of a Karangahape Road cemetery. So basically, 67 years after the liberation of the Jewish people from the death camps and ghettos of Europe, expressions of blind hatred for Jews and for the sole Jewish state have resurfaced. The vandalism of anybody's graves is a despicable act and I am disgusted that despite humanity being the product of billions of years of evolution, certain bellends would stoop to this level of cowardice. Whoever did this needs to be brought to justice now.

The pirate spirit lingers on

The Pirate Bay has made an important change to its infrastructure. The world’s most famous BitTorrent site has switched its entire operation to the cloud. From now on, The Pirate Bay will serve its users from several cloud hosting providers scattered around the world. The move will cut costs, ensure better uptime, and make the site virtually invulnerable to police raids — all while keeping user data secure. That's a great choice for a site that has been great to me over the last 18 months. Thanks to their huge selection of movies and TV shows, I can save hundreds because I don't need the DVD versions. And because a lot of newer episodes of TV shows are uploaded as soon as possible after they first air in America, I will have seen this season's episodes of The Simpsons and Family Guy before they air in New Zealand the following weekend. And speaking of the weekend, a Sydney man in jail for participating in two gang rapes has been refused parole for a third time but will be allowed out on weekends.

How now disavow

Google launched a new tool today that allows Webmasters to eliminate links to their site that they believe might be hurting its search rankings. Announced at the Pubcon conference in Las Vegas today, the "disavow links" tool is designed to help sites that have already been warned by Google of manual spam actions based on "unnatural links." The tool is recommended as a last-resort solution to link spam - disreputable or irrelevant links that may hurt a site's search engine results ranking. I myself won't be using this new tool, but it seems like a great idea. Now for something not so great: there are growing concerns by developers about approval times for applications in the Mac App Store. Apple isn't reporting the average wait times and the problem appears to be the time spent in the approval process, not in getting the approved app up onto the App Store. So how long does it take for Apple to approve new entries in its Mac App Store? Nobody knows exactly and Apple is mum. But according to a report at MacRumors, wait times at the Mac App Store have been growing longer in the past months. This is based on data from a developer-training firm named Shiny Development and shows a rising trend from 7 days in April to almost a month in October. The trend for iOS apps is less severe and is based on more substantial data as would be expected for the larger iOS App Store, with 471 data points being included from the past 30 days. Average iOS App Store review times have been within a range of 3-11 days over the past year and currently sit at one week after declining from their peak roughly two months ago. But back to the Mac App Store, where Apple had better sort out their approval times otherwise the developers will just distribute their Mac titles elsewhere.