Law beats tractor

Before I start today's post, I have an announcement to make: starting next month, I am adding a new feature to the final post each month. In addition to one or more people receiving an award for Bellend of the Month, I will award one business in my home town with a Good Service Award.

The Bellend of the Month for August 2012 is Roger Pion. He is a farmer in the US state of Vermont who was facing a minor drugs charge early this month. But he landed himself in more serious trouble after destroying vehicles parked outside the Orleans County Sheriff’s Department in Derby with his father’s tractor and then driving it toward downtown Newport, which is not far from the crime scene, before police stopped him. Authorities say he had been angry over a previous arrest for marijuana possession. During that arrest, police threw Pion to the ground, injuring him sufficiently that he was unresponsive, and then they called an ambulance. He was taken to a local hospital with a concussion. That was a bit more brutal than what would normally be called for during an arrest, but I would've filed a lawsuit against the police department instead of taking it out on seven police cruisers. But he was released last night (Eastern Daylight Time) and I hope he doesn't give the cops any more trouble.

It's just been revoked

More than 2,000 students potentially face deportation after a London university had its licence to teach and recruit overseas students revoked. London Metropolitan University has had its right to sponsor students from outside the EU revoked, and will no longer be allowed to authorise visas. Ministers say the university is not tracking course attendance and that many students have no right to be there. So basically, this means that two thousand students will have to find somewhere else to study or go back home. Elsewhere in London, the Paralympics is under way following a spectacular opening ceremony with the British team aiming to win a record 103 medals. And speaking of medals, the sheriff of Arizona's Maricopa County, Joe Arpaio, said yesterday in Tampa that the Obama administration should give him a medal for apprehending undocumented immigrants rather than investigating him for his methods. "I should be getting a medal. The president should invite me to the White House ... and thank me for helping the government fight illegal immigration and the drug cartels," Arpaio told members of the foreign press covering the Republican National Convention. I don't know whose side to take on this issue, but he should at least stop questioning Obama's birth certificate. We would've had the same issue with McCain, who was born in Panama.

Party of Three

Last week, a 19th century Spanish fresco was ruined after a good Samaritan attempted a DIY restoration of the artwork. That's right, three separate photographs of “Ecce Homo” by painter Elias Garcia Martinez show extensive damage caused by an elderly woman who decided the masterpiece needed a little refurbishment. But in a time of austerity, rather than calling in a professional to complete the job, the unnamed woman attempted to restore the mural herself – at a devastating cost. The result (pictured) was a botched repair where the intricate brush strokes of Martinez were replaced with a haphazard splattering of the octogenarian's paint. Years of carefully calculated depth of expression simply washed out by copious amounts of red and brown. But at least it looks better than when Mr. Bean attempted a similar amateur repair on a painting he sneezed on. Fast-forward to today, where a notary in the Brazilian state of Sao Paulo has sparked controversy by accepting a civil union between three people. Public Notary Claudia do Nascimento Domingues has said the man and two women should be entitled to family rights. She says there is nothing in the law to prevent such an arrangement. I agree. But the move has angered some religious groups, while one lawyer described it as absurd and totally illegal. And you know what I have to say to the union's detractors? Get a life. It's not like they're dressing up as the Joker and shooting up the local cinema.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Superbugs

And now there's a way to get rid of them. Vitamin B3 could be the new weapon in the fight against superbugs such as Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA). US experts have found that B3, also known as nicotinamide, boosts the ability of immune cells to kill Staphylococcus bacteria. B3 increases the numbers and efficacy of neutrophils, which are white blood cells that can kill and eat harmful bugs. The study, in the Journal of Clinical Investigation, could lead to a major change in treatment. But that will prove useless when there are reports of B3-resistant bugs. Bacteria will in time develop a resistance to current treatments and we will need newer and newer treatments if medical science is to stay on top of such nasties as Staphylococcus aureus.

NINE HUNDRED POSTS!

Jerry Nelson, the puppeteer and voice of Sesame Street's Count von Count, has died aged 78. For more than 40 years, Nelson worked on numerous projects featuring Jim Henson's Muppets, including the TV series Fraggle Rock. Nelson, who suffered from emphysema, died on Thursday in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Also dead is a South Korean law requiring citizens to use their real names on websites. The law in question has been struck down by a panel of judges in the country's Constitutional Court, who said the rule restricted freedom of speech and undermined democracy, which is essential so as not to turn South Korea into North Korea. The requirement was introduced in 2007 as part of efforts to tackle cyber-bullying. But in addition to the freedom of speech and democracy arguments, the judges said that many users had switched to overseas sites so they could continue to conceal their identity, putting local services at a disadvantage. There had also been complaints that the system had made it easier for cyber-criminals to commit identity theft. To sum it up, the Constitutional Court has made the right call.

One giant death to mankind

Neil Armstrong, the American astronaut who made "one giant leap for mankind" when he became the first man to walk on the moon, died yesterday at the age of 82. But what didn't die is Man United's chances of winning the Premiership. Man U's season is finally off and running, after the Reds came from behind to beat Fulham this morning at Old Trafford. Man United's goals were scored by Robin van Persie, Shinji Kagawa, and Rafael. Fulham scored courtesy of Damien Duff and an own goal by Nemanja Vidic. Brede Hangeland was shown the only yellow card in the match.

How's this for resolution?

A new high-resolution television format has been approved by the UN's communication standards setting agency. Broadcasts in 8K will offer a resolution of 7,680 by 4,320 pixels - roughly the equivalent of a 32 megapixel photo. That is 16 times as sharp as current HD TVs offering about 2MP resolutions. And speaking of resolution, foreign ministers from the American continents have urged Britain and Ecuador to peacefully end the stand-off over WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Assange, who is wanted in Sweden for questioning on sex allegations, has been granted political asylum by the South American country and spent the last two months holed up in its London embassy. The UK government has made it clear the Australian activist will be arrested and extradited if he steps outside the building after jumping bail. So he's stuck there until somebody can smuggle him into Ecuador, and I know a way they can do it: Assange can go to Sweden anyway, and an Ecuadorean diplomatic plane or helicopter can meet him there or in the States and take him to start a new life in Ecuador, whose president has said the diplomatic row could be ended tomorrow if Britain gave the activist safe passage to South America. Rafael Correa said: "This could end tomorrow if the UK grants safe passage, or it could go on for months and years if Mr Assange can't leave the embassy of Ecuador in London." And speaking of London, the Paralympics will be starting there on Wednesday. But the Olympic logo (pictured below in four colours and in a similar variation being used as the Paralympic logo) should've been one which doesn't look like Lisa Simpson giving somebody a blowjob.

Internet TVs and doping and the Joker, oh my!

Televisions were once a reprieve from the outside world, then they became a reprieve from the online world, and now they're turning into just another way to stay connected. In a new study published this week, research firm NPD revealed that 18 percent of consumers across 14 countries, including the U.S. and U.K., access Web-based services and media from their televisions. That figure includes both people connecting to the Web from their televisions, as well as through set-top boxes hooked up to their sets. But enough about that, because Lance Armstrong has announced he will stop fighting a barrage of drug charges from the US Anti-Doping Agency (USADA), putting at risk his unparalleled string of seven Tour de France titles and his legacy as one of the greatest sportsmen in history. Armstrong's declaration last night sets up a likely lifetime ban from the sport and the possibility that he will be stripped of his signature achievement – the extraordinary run of Tour titles he won from 1999 to 2005. If he did cheat his way to becoming such a legend, then he made the right choice in coming clean. But if he didn't, then by giving up the fight, the cancer survivor and 7-time Tour winner is just letting himself be trampled on. If it does turn out that his seven Tour victories were all lies, then I'm sure a lot of his fans will be crushed. In other news, the city of Aurora, Colorado is asking residents to weigh in on the future of Century 16, where a gunman killed 12 people last month. I think they should reopen, but that should be a decision best left to the community to make. And many who have shared their comments about the issue on the city's Facebook page have said Century 16 should reopen as a sign of the community's strength. One of them said closing the theatre would represent a victory for Mr. Holmes and inconvenience those who live nearby. Another resident commented that reopening the theatre would be a token of respect and remembrance to the people who lost their lives. Others have suggested converting the screening room where Holmes allegedly opened fire into a memorial (which could mean changing the cinema's name to Century 15) or turning the entire building into a free mental-health clinic. Others say the cinema, which sits in the parking lot of a struggling mall, should be torn down. "Raze it, leave a marker, and maybe build somewhere else," says one such post. "This theater [sic] and nearby mall have long been a blighted, unsafe area of the city."

Mich ado about nothing

When 5-year-old Cooper Barton wore a University of Michigan shirt to kindergarten in Oklahoma City, the principal asked him to turn it inside-out. Much to the surprise of his mother, the school district's dress code only allows university wear from schools in the state of Oklahoma. The dress code, adopted in 2005, was meant to deter gangs. Gangs? Gangs? I don't think a 5-year-old would even understand that. The district needs to re-evaluate this. I'd be mad if I were the kid's father. There was nothing offensive about that shirt. Sure the school board had a good reason, but I think they've taken it too far. And besides, if it was because it was a "gang" colour and he had to turn it inside-out, what colour did it become by doing that?

RIP Diller

That's right, Phyllis Diller is dead. But here's something to take our minds off this tragedy: a burger grown in a laboratory. Sounds like science-fiction? Well, up until very recently, it probably was. But now, the prospect of lab-grown meat appearing on supermarket shelves is closer than ever. Synthetic or test-tube meat involves taking a small amount of cells from a living animal and growing it into lumps of muscle tissue in the lab, which can then, in theory, be eaten as meat for human consumption. As well avoiding killing animals, scientists believe that this could help reduce the environmental impact of meat production. It will also allow people to eat the meat of endangered species, as well as animals that are seen as pets, with less controversy because the animals are not actually dying in the process. And maybe Soylent Green can become a reality without the main ingredient (people) getting killed in the process. But mostly, it will possibly become a necessary evil designed to feed starving African children.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT PART TWO: Everton

Everton are the bellends who are responsible for an early setback suffered by Manchester United this morning at Goodison Park. Everton played well, but all in all, they are bellends. The final score was 1-0 to Everton, with the goal being scored by Marouane Fellaini. Nani and Paul Scholes received yellow cards. This was a chastening experience for Sir Alex’s men and a reminder that life in the Barclays Premier League – even at Manchester United and especially when Everton are the opposition – is never easy.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT PART ONE: Everton

Before we begin, we are transitioning the Weekly Gross-Out feature to Tuesdays, hence this week's story being told in two parts.

Everton are complete bellends, as one should already know. Man United's first game of the season is against those nutjobs, and will be taking place at Goodison Park tonight at 8pm British Summer Time. The match will, as per this blog's in-house style, be reported in Part Two tomorrow as having taken place the following morning because all times mentioned are in New Zealand time (12 or 13 hours ahead of GMT depending on time of year) unless otherwise specified. I hope Man United will redeem themselves this season and win a twentieth Premiership title.

I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE SOON!

The photo is my sister's ultrasound. And no, I am NOT the father. And speaking of father, the Rev. Angel Armando Perez, a pastor at St. Luke Parish in Woodburn, Oregon, now faces a charge of sexual abuse involving a child. This has to stop. This sort of behaviour is giving the Catholic Church a bad name, and if the allegations are true, then that bellend will possibly go to prison where there is a chance that he will get what's coming to him in the showers. It's called karma. And speaking of karma, electric-car maker Fisker Automotive is recalling about 2,400 Karma sports sedans to fix cooling fans that can catch fire. The recall comes after Fisker and a private fire investigation firm finished probing a fire in a Karma in Woodside, California last week. The company said the probe found that the blaze started in front of the Karma's left front wheel where a cooling fan is located. Wiring in the fan failed and it overheated, causing the slow-burning fire. And speaking of fire, a 15-year-old New Jersey girl has been arrested on charges of arson and attempted murder, accused of setting her family's house on fire and trying to kill them. The girl faces two counts of aggravated arson and six counts of attempted murder in the 2 a.m. yesterday (Eastern Daylight Time) fire at the family's Clayton home in southwest New Jersey, the Gloucester County Prosecutor's Office said in a news release. This is just horrible and she should at least be made to realise that there are consequences for her actions. She will be lucky to avoid a spell in juvie.

Pussy Riot sentence could cause a real riot

The mother of a pregnant leukaemia patient who died after her chemotherapy was delayed over anti-abortion laws is accusing doctors of not putting her daughter's health first. The 16-year-old's plight attracted worldwide attention after she had to wait for chemotherapy because of an abortion ban in the Dominican Republic. Doctors were hesitant to give her chemotherapy because such treatment could terminate the pregnancy - a violation of the Dominican Constitution, which bans abortion. Some 20 days after she was admitted to the hospital, she finally started receiving treatment but she died yesterday. And so did any impression of free speech in post-Soviet Russia. That's right, three members of Russian female punk rock band Pussy Riot were sentenced to two years in prison yesterday after they were found guilty of hooliganism for performing a song critical of President Vladimir Putin in a church. The judge rejected the women's defense that they were acting from political motives, ruling that they had intended to insult the Russian Orthodox Church and undermine public order. This is indeed an attack on free speech, like the ones that the Russian people had had enough of in Soviet times. It puts a serious question mark over Russia's respect for international obligations of fair, transparent, and independent legal process. It also runs counter to Russia's international obligations as regards respect for freedom of expression. Everyone has the right to free speech, everywhere in the world. Pussy Riot should be released, or at the very least be granted asylum in Ecuador.

Assange has been granted asylum

And police in Central Otago are monitoring Facebook today after being tipped off to a fight being planned for this weekend by youths involved in a rugby match brawl a week ago. The plans are a result of continuing friction after a brawl broke out at a match between an Upper Clutha under-16 side and a Cromwell under-17 side at the Upper Clutha rugby grounds last Saturday. I am not surprised by this. People hold grudges all the time, but there are better ways of settling the score than putting others in the hospital. But if they do decide to fight, they'd better not dress up as the Joker - it's still too soon for that.

WikiLeaker about to be leaked into Ecuador... or Sweden

Today may be the 35th anniversary of Elvis Presley's passing, but we have some more serious issues to deal with: the UK has sent a letter to the Ecuadorian embassy in London warning that it would enter the compound if WikiLeaks’ founder Julian Assange, who is seeking asylum in the South American nation, is not handed over to local authorities, Ecuador’s Foreign Minister Ricardo Patino told reporters in Quito yesterday. Assange sought refuge in the embassy on June 19 after exhausting options in U.K. courts to avert extradition to Sweden, where he faces questioning on allegations of rape and sexual molestation. The 41-year-old Australian, first arrested in London in December 2010, breached the terms of his bail by staying at the Ecuadorean Embassy. Ecuador’s government will announce today whether it will give Assange asylum, and my guess is that Ecuador will take him in, maybe with him spending his final moments in Britain as a diplomat so the cops can't touch him. And speaking of hammer, the superintendent of a local board of education in Japan was hospitalised yesterday after he was attacked by a youth with a hammer, in the most extreme reaction yet to the town’s mishandling of a bullying case that has shocked the nation.

Coming to Ecuador... maybe

Ecuador could make a decision on the asylum request of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange as early as this week, President Rafael Correa said. Assange has been holed up inside the Ecuadorian Embassy in London since petitioning for asylum on June 19. He is seeking to avoid being sent to Sweden over claims of rape and sexual molestation, and he fears if he is extradited there, Swedish authorities could hand him over to the United States. It's taken eight weeks, but as long as he doesn't get sent to Sweden, everything will be fine. In other news, this is the best. Apartment. Ever. I want it. I WANT IT!!!

Here's some stuff for you to do now that the Olympics are over

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Doping

Doping is not cool. It gives athletes an unfair advantage and has been responsible for many an occasion where a drug cheat's national anthem has been played at a medal ceremony instead of that of a non-doper who was more deserving of the gold all along. And that, my friends, is why the International Olympic Committee has stripped American cyclist Tyler Hamilton of his 2004 gold due to doping and ordered him to return the medal that he won in the Athens Olympics. The IOC also ruled that the riders who finished behind Hamilton (i.e. all of them) in the individual time trial in Athens will now be moved up in placement. That means Ekimov Viatcheslav Ekimov of Russia will now get the gold medal, Bobby Julich of America will get the silver, and Michael Rogers of Australia will now get the bronze.

Let them smoke weed

With the intent of undermining the market for illegal drugs, Uruguay's government presented a bill to lawmakers that would legalise marijuana under a government monopoly. The government of President Jose Mujica has argued that the war on drugs has failed, and that separating the market for marijuana from the market for harder drugs will have social and health benefits. As well as the stated benefits, this could bring in some tax money for the Uruguayan government. In fact, everyone else should consider making pot legal for the tax money like they're doing with tobacco. Such a move will also eliminate a lot of the lawlessness associated with the drug, much of this being due to the fact that the drug is illegal to begin with. So on the whole, I think Uruguay are doing the right thing. And speaking of the right thing, a popular Indian yoga guru has fasted for a fourth day today and is threatening to expand his protest nationwide if the government doesn't act decisively to bring back billions of dollars of ill-gotten money that some Indians have allegedly stashed abroad. "If the prime minister fails to respond to my demand by Sunday evening, I will intensify the protest across the country in the form of a people's revolt," Baba Ramdev told thousands of cheering supporters at a sprawling fairground in New Delhi.

Who let the golds out?

The UN has called for an immediate suspension of government-mandated US ethanol production, adding to pressure on Barack Obama to address the food-versus-fuel debate in the run-up to presidential elections. Most US ethanol is made from corn. The dispute over ethanol promotion pits states such as Iowa that benefit from higher corn prices (and in some cases are swing states in the election) against livestock-raising states such as Texas that are helped by lower corn prices. But enough about that, because the Bahamas claimed a first track and field Olympic medal storming to gold in the 4x400m relay ahead of Team USA yesterday. Bahamas anchorman Ramon Miller ran an inspired final leg to overall America's Angelo Taylor and come home in a national record of two minutes 56.72 seconds. This will most certainly be one for the local history books, as will be Usain Bolt's successful defence of his 100m and 200m titles and 19-year-old Kirani James taking home Grenada's first Olympic gold a few days ago. And New Zealand has so far won 5 golds, 3 silvers, and 5 bronzes. Even though we haven't won as many as Australia, we're still ahead of North Korea.

The cokes are back in town

PepsiCo, one of the world's largest drinks makers, has announced plans to re-enter Burma as the country opens up its markets after various sanctions against it were lifted. It has signed an agreement with a Burmese firm to distribute Pepsi-Cola, 7-Up, and Mirinda brands in the country. PepsiCo, which pulled out of Burma in 1997, said it was also exploring the option of setting up production there. The firm's rival Coca-Cola has also announced plans to return to Burma after 60 years of absence due to US-imposed investment sanctions against the country. But the only thing I even care about here is that we have a choice between the two colas. I don't favour one brand over the other. Cola is cola no matter what brand it is. I'm on the fence when it comes to these "cola wars", so I'll leave it to the Burmese people to decide which brand they feel is better. In other news, Disney has confirmed that Joss Whedon will return to write and direct the sequel to The Avengers, which is now the third highest-grossing film of all time and the only one in the top three not to be directed by James Cameron. The news comes just weeks after the director told an audience at Comic-Con that he was undecided about whether he would return to the franchise. The sequel will be released in 2015.

Cameroon no longer cuts it for seven of its athletes

What began as rumour has finally turned out to be true. Seven Cameroonian athletes who participated at the 2012 London Olympic Games have disappeared from the Olympic Village. David Ojong, the head of the Cameroon delegation, said five boxers, a swimmer, and a female football player had been missing since the weekend. The reason for their disappearance is not known, amid some reports that they wanted to stay in the UK for economic reasons. If that's the case, I wish them well, but they should sort out citizenship or residency before their visas expire in November, otherwise they will have to leave unless they want immigration to come after them.

A reserve goalkeeper for the women's soccer team, Drusille Ngako, was the first to vanish. Her disappearance was followed by that of swimmer Paul Ekane Edingue, reportedly along with his personal belongings. The five boxers who disappeared were Thomas Essomba, Christian Donfack Adjoufack, Abdon Mewoli, Blaise Yepmou Mendouo, and Serge Ambomo. The home office said it could not comment on whether any of the seven had sought asylum in the UK.

In other news, Martin Fleischmann, the chemist who with Stanley Pons claimed in 1989 to have achieved "cold fusion", has died, and the EU is to hold urgent talks tomorrow over a diplomatic row between Belarus and Sweden, which followed a political stunt involving teddy bears with pro-democracy messages.

Too much for tea

The price of tea has jumped to a 2½-year high as poor crops strain supplies in some of the world's most important producers. Dry conditions, poor rains, and frosts are responsible for a hit to tea production in Kenya, the largest exporter of black tea. A bad monsoon has reduced production prospects in India and Sri Lanka, two other major exporters. The wholesale price of the highest quality black tea, known as broken pekoe 1 or BP1, has surged 41% higher since the start of the year, last month surpassing US$4 a kilo, a level seen only once before in late 2009, when prices reached US$5.45. The increase in prices will be felt the world over by drinkers of sweet brews in Cairo, milky cuppas in London, and iced tea in Los Angeles. Tea lovers in poorer countries are likely to feel the biggest impact, as retailers' margins are lower than in the west.

But that's nothing compared to this: an Australian newspaper found itself the focus of a 14-paragraph denouncement by the state-run North Korean media agency, KCNA. KCNA, known in full as the Korean Central News Agency, lashed out at mX, a free commuter paper in three Australian cities, calling it sordid, foolish, bullying, degrading, incompetent, pitiful, and rogue - among other things. So how did a paper that focuses on fun news, sport, and entertainment earn the verbal wrath of Pyongyang? Last week, the paper published the Olympics medal standing (pictured) and differentiated between South Korea and North Korea by calling them respectively "Nice Korea" and "Naughty Korea." I couldn't agree more. Kim Jong-un has only been Supreme Leader for almost eight months and he has already made some rather stupid mistakes in that time. A failed rocket launch in April wasted money that could have helped to feed the entire population for about nine or ten months. He'd better start playing ball or else there could be revolution.

ERMAHGERD CHERKERN

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Swatting

Swatting is a trend of prank calls involving an anonymous call made to get a team of police to storm a building or an innocent person's home, and it happened last week in LA when armed police stormed the home of pop star Miley Cyrus, who got engaged to Hunger Games star Liam Hemsworth in June, after receiving an emergency call about a possible kidnapping and shooting. The LAPD and rescue crews surrounded the former Hannah Montana star's house in Hollywood on Wednesday, while helicopters circled the property. But they soon discovered there was no one in the building. Swatting is a waste of police time and resources that could be used to deal with genuine incidents. But thankfully, police are tracking the bellend responsible, and if they're found, they will be prosecuted and could face up to a year in jail where their bad little butt will receive the long, hard probing that it deserves.

Cocker to end the cock-up

Jarvis Cocker, Pete Townshend, and other British musicians have called on the Russian President Vladimir Putin to ensure the members of Russian punk band Pussy Riot are given a fair trial in Moscow. Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Mariya Alekhina, and Yekaterina Samutsevich were taken into custody in February after singing a protest song against Putin in Moscow. In a letter to The Times, the musicians said the song was a legitimate protest and called on Putin, who is in London this week for the Olympics, to ensure they receive a fair hearing. In fact, Pussy Riot should be released because they've been locked up for too long and I don't really think they did anything wrong. It's not like they snuck into a movie theatre and shot people. And speaking of that, a controversial billboard comparing President Barack Obama with James Holmes has come down. The electronic billboard featured a photo of Holmes with the words "Kills 12 in a movie theater [sic] with assault rifle, everyone freaks out" next to a photo of Obama with the words "Kills thousands with foreign policy, wins Nobel Peace Prize." Seriously, come on, people. Even if Romney does somehow pull his weight in the White House, this attack on Obama was a bit below the belt. He should not be compared to someone who faces the death penalty for his stupidity.

Spray me some skin

A "spray-on skin" which coats a wound with a layer of skin cells could help healing, according to US and Canadian researchers. The spray was tested on 228 people with leg ulcers, which are painful open wounds that can last for months. The findings, published in the Lancet, showed that ulcers that have been treated with the spray were more likely to heal and did so more quickly. This new finding shows that medical science is at least getting somewhere, considering leg ulcers are hard to treat. The best treatment, compression bandages, will heal only about 70% of ulcers after six months. Other options include taking skin from elsewhere on the body and grafting it over the wound. But instead of all that, the spray puts a coating of donated skin cells and blood-clotting proteins over the ulcer. This has the potential to vastly improve recovery times and overall recovery from leg ulcers, without any need for a skin graft. This means not only that the patient doesn't acquire a new wound where the graft is taken from, but also that the spray-on solution can be available as soon as it is needed. In contrast, skin grafts take a certain amount of time to prepare, which exposes the patient to further discomfort and risk of infection. In other news, award-winning Romanian pianist (NOT penis) Mihaela Ursuleasa has died at the age of 33. The international musician was found dead in her apartment in Vienna, where she had lived since studying in the Austrian capital.

Cheap but still cancerous

After decades of progress toward their goal of preventing smoking-related illness and death, public health officials said yesterday that they're seeing a worrisome new trend: smokers are switching from high-priced cigarettes to cheaper, but equally dangerous, small cigars. While cigarette consumption declined 33% from 2000 to 2011, use of other kinds of tobacco grew by 123%, as smokers sought lower-cost alternatives to cigarettes, whose prices have risen sharply as a growing number of states raise taxes on them, according to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Also, overall declines in smoked-tobacco consumption are grinding to a halt, with less than a 1% decrease in use from 2010 to 2011. This is very worrying news indeed, because of all the efforts to get people off that filthy habit. It's high time for tax hikes on these newly popular little cigars, which are basically plumped up cigarettes. Their slightly larger size nudges them over the edge into a different tax category, allowing them to sell for as little as US$0.07 each (US$1.40 for a pack of 20). This is still more expensive than not taking up smoking to begin with, but in most states, a pack of cigarettes can sell for about 3 times as much. I'm sure governments can milk more tax revenue from the small cigars, which are especially appealing to minors because of the lower cost, and also because they come in a variety of flavours such as grape, vanilla, and chocolate. It's bad enough when adults are lighting up, but when children are hooked, you can tell there has been corruption of innocent minds by those greedy fat-cats whose only purpose in life is to make money from their poison.

One sandwich, hold the needle

A passenger on an Air Canada flight found a sewing needle in a catered sandwich during a flight on Monday. Peter Fitzpatrick, a spokesman for Air Canada, said the following day that the airline is working closely with its caterer, which he didn't name, to ensure heightened security measures have been put in place. But it's too late for this particular flight because the mounties are now investigating the incident, which occurred on a flight from Victoria (host city of the 1994 Commonwealth Games) to Toronto. This incident is similar to reports of needles which were found in six sandwiches on Delta flights from Amsterdam to the United States two weeks ago. See a pattern here? I do, and this whole thing is why people shouldn't trust airline food. There is always going to be a problem with the sandwiches. It could be sewing needles in one sandwich, live maggots in another, or even semen - it is possible that someone at some point in the chain may have been jacking off on company time.

Gore's out

Not Al Gore. I'm talking about Gore Vidal. That's right, the celebrated writer and political commentator died last night (Pacific Daylight Time) aged 86. Gore Vidal, who wrote 25 novels (including the best-selling Burr and Myra Breckenridge), more than 200 essays, and several plays, died at his home in Los Angeles, with the cause of death believed to be complications from pneumonia. I'm sure he will be missed. Meanwhile, on the other side of the Atlantic, China's Olympic sports delegation has begun an investigation into allegations two badminton players threw (deliberately lost) their match. Doubles players Yu Yang and Wang Xiaoli are among eight players charged by the Badminton World Federation (BWF) with "not using one's best efforts to win". The other six are four players from South Korea and two from Indonesia, and all eight are either chicken or involved in match-fixing. If the latter turns out to be the case, then those eight should all go to jail. Match-fixing is sometimes used to fund organised crime, and along with steroids, it just takes the fairness and unpredictability out of sport. Just like the racist tweet that got a triple-jumper booted off the Greek delegation, match-fixing is also against Olympic ideals. And speaking of Olympic ideals, Great Britain striker Craig Bellamy has called for the national anthem to be respected when they play Uruguay at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium. God Save the Queen was booed before England played football against Wales at the stadium in March 2011. Bellamy (along with fellow Welshmen Ryan Giggs, Joe Allen, Aaron Ramsey, and Neil Taylor) has not sung the anthem while playing in the Olympics so far, but Bellamy said there is no need for non-English supporters to boo it.