Death of another month

I did mention last month that today is to be the first awarding of a monthly Good Service Award. I don't have anybody in particular to award this to, so this month's award goes to everybody who is eligible.

But I do have a Bellend of the Month for September 2012, and it's Jason McCoy. It was reported early this month that the Colorado dad filed an obituary with a local newspaper, claiming that his son Seth "went with the Lord". He told the Post Independent in Glenwood Springs that Seth had died Aug. 8 in a Denver hospital, and even submitted an obituary for the boy on Aug. 30. But Seth is alive and well, and living with his mother, Jennifer Stretch of Arapahoe County. This is a stupid idea for a joke. There are parents whose children really have died. While not illegal, fake obituaries are just not cool, especially in a state where two months ago, a gunman shot at dozens of moviegoers during a midnight screening of the new Batman movie.

Three, four, glue the doors

Dozens of residents in a County Donegal housing estate have had the doors to their houses glued tight in an act of vandalism. Over 25 homes in Letterkenny were targeted, and those carrying out the attacks have also glued the locks on car doors and boots. One of the residents, John McGeever from Ballymacool Terrace in the town, said he believed industrial strength glue must have been used by the culprits. Seriously, people, this may seem like a good idea for a joke but this is not cool. One pensioner was locked in her house and she couldn't get out, so the neighbours had to break a glass door at the back to get her out. The bellends responsible probably thought it was funny but the Gardai (what the police are known as in Ireland) have now carried out forensics examinations. So next time, think before you joke.

WikiLeaker remains in limbo

Top diplomats from Ecuador and the United Kingdom failed to reach an agreement yesterday over the case of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, but they agreed to meet again to discuss the issue. "We still do not see, of course, an immediate solution, but we understand that there is a willingness to discuss the topic," Ecuadorian Foreign Minister Ricardo Patino told reporters after the meeting on the sidelines of the United Nations General Assembly in New York. Ecuador granted Assange asylum in August, but he faces arrest in Britain if he leaves the South American country's embassy in London. British Foreign Secretary William Hague told Patino yesterday "that the UK was under an obligation to extradite Mr. Assange to Sweden" and that "the concept of diplomatic asylum, while well-established in Latin America, did not feature in UK law," a spokesman for his office said. It's high time a solution was found to this because the sexual abuse allegations against Assange just are a ruse to get him somewhere where he would then be extradited to the United States. It is also time for the United States to cease its persecution of WikiLeaks, their people, and their alleged sources. And British authorities should reconsider the case, given Ecuador's granting of asylum and the right to not be extradited when politically motivated causes are involved. And speaking of motivation, money is a powerful motivator and improving patient adherence is a long-sought goal by the healthcare industry. A University of Pennsylvania Hospital System project to reduce Medicare costs in the long term has received $4.8 million to offer financial incentives for people recovering from a heart attack to take the full course of their medications. It is part of a remote-monitoring study to improve patient engagement beyond office visits and hospital stays. Dr. David Asch, who applied for the project funding with Dr. Kevin Volpp, both of the Penn Medicine Innovation Center, said: “We want to find new ways to help people stay on track with their care. So many of our health outcomes depend on what we do when we are at home or at work, and whether we take our medications, exercise, and follow healthy diets.” According to a Penn spokeswoman, this is how it will work: Patients enrolled in the new study will be assigned a two-digit number (say, 42). Each day, a staff person will randomly select a number between 00 and 99. If the patient's number comes up, they will receive $50. If they match one digit, they get $5. But they will only get the cash if they took their meds the day before. Their medication bottles, received at discharge, will send electronic signals that notify their doctor if they have taken their meds or not, so no cheating, OK? And speaking of cheating, a benefit cheat from south-west London who swindled a total of £25,572.81 in housing and council tax benefit has been given a five-month suspended prison sentence. Former Worcester Park resident and married father-of-two Wahid Jabeiti, 39, pleaded guilty to failing to declare a change in circumstances, at Croydon Crown Court on September 17. Mr Jabeiti had claimed that between 2006 and 2009 he had no income other than part-time earnings from a family business, a Mediterranean deli in Worcester Park High Street named Worcester Park Foods Ltd. But an 18-month investigation by Sutton Council Benefit Investigators discovered that Mr Jabeiti had a secret bank account and was regularly receiving funds which he spent at outlets including TK Maxx and Asda. Taking all that into account, I feel a five-month suspended sentence is too light. But at least he won't have to worry about dropping the soap for the time being.

Bad piggies causing trouble in Afghanistan

Millions of Afghan girls are now getting the education that their mothers couldn't. But as a result, the girls and their schools are often targets for violent attacks. Girls' education is also hamstrung by arranged marriages at an early age. Even worse is that for many girls in Afghanistan, the simple act of walking to school can be a life-threatening journey. "You close the door behind you, and you enter a war zone," said Nushin Arbabzadah, an American-based author and scholar who was raised in Afghanistan. There were at least 185 documented attacks on schools and hospitals in Afghanistan last year, according to the United Nations, and the majority of those attacks were attributed to armed groups opposed to educating females. Whoever the bellends responsible for the attacks are, if they're reading this, they should be aware that their behaviour is not on. But what is on is J.K. Rowling's first foray into fiction for adults. And thanks to her Harry Potter fame, her new novel, "The Casual Vacancy," is already a best-seller, even before its release today. But some parents worry that their children might expect another adventure at Hogwarts, which this book is not. "I'm dying to read 'The Casual Vacancy,'" said Kacy Faulconer, a 40-year-old mother of four kids ages 5 through 15. "But I'll have to read it first before I decide whether my kids can read it." But I won't be reading the paper version because that's just a waste of trees which could be used to clean all the CO2 out of the air and replace it with oxygen. But it's not all about oxygen tonight because Finnish mobile gaming developer Rovio has launched its latest title, Bad Piggies - a spin-off of its hugely popular game, Angry Birds. The company hopes its latest effort will prove that its 2009 hit, which has been downloaded over a billion times, was not a one-off. A more recent Rovio release, Amazing Alex, failed to sustain early success, but if Bad Piggies sells well, some analysts believe Rovio may float its stock as soon as next year.

The shoplifting list says it all

Staff on a Wellington commuter train this afternoon stopped the service to help a girl who was being bullied on the Johnsonville train bound for the city. When she went to get off at Raroa Station about 4pm, her bag was thrown on to the roof of a platform building. Staff got off the train to help the girl retrieve her bag, then moved on once she was deemed to be OK. That was actually a rather nice thing they did for the girl, and while we don't know the identity of the victim or the bullies, we do know that all Johnsonville train services were running about 10 minutes late tonight as a flow-on effect of the incident. Further north, a Hastings woman wrote a shopping-list of things she intended to steal on a shoplifting expedition to Masterton. The woman, Arana Maude Hawea, also stole in front of her daughter on two trips to a Hastings petrol station. On their second visit, the 10-year-old filled her pockets with chocolate bars while her mother took a block of cheese and a bottle of cream. Appearing in Hastings District Court yesterday, Hawea pleaded guilty to 13 charges of shoplifting. Hawea targeted Hastings shops during the past four months, taking seafood, rubbish bags, a butane torch, an extension lead, and a red hoodie. But most of the charges related to shoplifting in Masterton, where on August 31, she stole more than NZ$1100 worth of goods from six Masterton stores. This is just not on. Theft is wrong and she should be thrown in jail for it, something which unfortunately didn't happen to a 19-year-old teacher aide who sexually groomed a 12-year-old girl. The bellend, Kevin Dean McMillan, has been spared jail on the flimsy excuse that he would be "assaulted in a variety of ways". Instead, McMillan was sentenced to 18 months intensive supervision and 200 hours of community work by Judge Roy Wade at the Auckland District Court this afternoon.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Acne

But now, there seems to be a way to get rid of this curse. Scientists believe that a harmless virus that lives on our skin could be used as a treatment for acne. The virus, called a phage, is naturally built to target and kill bacteria that cause acne - Propionibacterium acnes. Experts at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and the University of Pittsburgh found 11 different versions of virus in this phage family that had this power. They plan lab work to see if they can harness it as a therapy, and I hope that something comes out of it. And speaking of coming (apologies in advance for the rude pun), Michael Kevin Lallana, who was convicted last February of two misdemeanor counts of battery for putting semen in a co-worker’s water bottle, will have his appeal heard on Thursday. In this case, the sentence handed down in April of last year (180 days behind bars and three years probation) has been on hold pending this appeal, and if he did in fact ejaculate in his co-worker's water, then he should be sent to jail and hopefully given a taste of his own medicine in the showers. And speaking of showers, a man from Kearney, Nebraska is behind bars for videotaping a woman who was taking a shower in his home. Anthony Quintana was sentenced to three months in jail for misdemeanor unlawful intrusion. He also was fined $500.

Reds take down party of ten

Manchester United registered a first victory at Anfield since 2007 despite a disjointed display, as a sensational goal from Rafael and Robin van Persie’s late penalty sealed a comeback win this morning over a 10-man Liverpool. Steven Gerrard had fired the hosts into a deserved lead in the opening minute of the second half, only for Rafael to quickly curl home an unstoppable finish to level matters, and van Persie crashed home the decisive penalty after Antonio Valencia had been fouled by Glen Johnson. Three yellow cards were dished out over the course of the match, as was a 39th-minute red card which was shown to Jonjo Shelvey for a two-footed lunge on Jonny Evans.

Where my tigers at?

A 25-year-old man will be charged with criminal trespassing for jumping out of a monorail car into the Bronx Zoo's tiger den because he wanted "to be one" with the animal, police said yesterday. And speaking of animals, Mitt Romney is off to Colorado, the first stop in what advisers call an "intense battleground state schedule" aimed at countering GOP criticism that his campaign is mismanaged and misdirected. Also in Colorado, three people wounded in the shooting that killed 12 people at Century 16 have filed lawsuits alleging the exit door the gunman used to exit then re-enter the building should have had an alarm. Two lawsuits were filed on Friday in U.S. District Court on behalf of Denise Traynom, Brandon Axelrod, and Joshua Nowlan. Their attorney, former Denver judge Christina Habas, declined to comment. A spokeswoman for Cinemark USA Inc also had no immediate comment. But if I was in charge, I would have snipers positioned in the front row during every session so that any copycats who attempt to open the emergency exits can be shot on sight, whether or not they're dressed as the Joker.

Floss that

Eleven inmates in a suburban New York jail have sued their prison for US$500 million and access to dental floss, saying they are losing their teeth. In a civil rights lawsuit filed on the 10th, the inmates say they are suffering cavities and pain because they are unable to floss. The lawsuit names as defendants Westchester County, Correction Commissioner Kevin Cherveko, the company contracted to handle inmates' health care, and two dentists. Deputy Correction Commissioner Justin Pruyne defended the ban, saying the floss can potentially be used a weapon. Santiago Gomez, the lead plaintiff, says other jails permit flossing. Several say in the complaint that they brush three times a day, "tongue and gums included," but still get cavities and suffer bleeding gums, constant dental work for temporary fillings, and mental anguish. This is not on. I think being in prison is punishment enough as it is, so the defendants in this case should at least look into providing a floss which would be appropriate for custodial situations.

Apple in the Maps game

The South Korean Navy fired warning shots to ward off North Korean fishing boats that were spotted south of the maritime border between the two countries, the South Korean Joint Chiefs of Staff said today. The North Korean vessels crossed back over the border, known as the Northern Limit Line, following the warning shots. But enough about that, because there's something else that people are taking a shot at: Apple's Maps app. The Washington Monument towers above the National Mall in Washington, directly between the U.S. Capitol to the east and the Lincoln Memorial to the west. But Apple seems to think it lies several hundred yards to the south, near the Potomac River. The mistake appears to be one of many in Apple's new mobile maps, which replaced Google Maps as the default map application in iOS 6, the new operating system for iPhones, iPads, and iPod Touches. Apple has faced a chorus of complaints since iOS 6 was made available for download on Wednesday, and the griping will likely grow louder as people get their hands on new iPhone 5s. But you must remember that this is Apple's first crack at a Maps app. It may be a huge downgrade from what Google were offering, but I'm sure Apple will get it right one day.

Starbucks to charge real bucks for soy

Lactose-intolerant Starbucks customers are up in arms after the chain revealed its revamped Gold Card rewards program will drop its free soymilk and syrup provisions. Yes, buried within an announcement touting how much easier it will be now for Gold Card members to earn a free drink or food — only 12 required purchases rather than 15 — comes the horrific revelation that soymilk is no longer on the house for card holders. Which, as Consumerist points out, is a little bit of a problem for people who are Gold Card members but cannot (or choose not to) consume dairy. These people are now renouncing their loyalty to Starbucks and declaring things like, "We are SHOCKED that this is ending," noting that one of the big benefits of the Gold Card program was not the free drinks but rather the exact soy and syrup provisions that have just been dropped. And it's not just the lactose-intolerant, but also wusses such as vegans who have hijacked the discussion thread of the Starbucks announcement with declarations like this gem:

Thanks Starbucks!!! LOVE THE NEW TAX ON VEGAN'S!!! The only good thing with the "NEW BENEFITS" is it saves me money, the money I USED TO SPEND AT STARBUCKS... i enjoyed it while it lasted!!!!- i have $8.30 left on my card after that my household will no longer be a customer of starbucks!!!!

The Gold Card rewards changes don't go into effect until October 16, so there's still time to protest. And protest I would at least consider, because at least one member of my household (well technically, it's not MY household) is lactose intolerant (clue: it's not me). But I won't protest this: the timeline for autonomous cars hitting the road en masse keeps getting closer. GM's Cadillac division expects to produce partially autonomous cars at a large scale by 2015, and the automaker also predicts it will have fully autonomous cars available by the end of the decade. Audi and BMW have also shown self-driving car concepts, with the former working with Stanford to pilot a modified TT up Pikes Peak. Meanwhile, Google is ripping along at its own rapid pace with a fleet of fully autonomous Toyota Prius hybrids that have logged over 300,000 miles. And the company has pushed through legislation that legalises self-driving cars in Nevada. California is close behind, and Google has also been busy lobbying joyriding lawmakers in Washington, D.C. And speaking of DC, the Joker (real name James Eagan Holmes) faces 10 additional charges. The court documents, which were filed an Tuesday, don't reveal the nature of the new charges. A spokesperson in the district attorney's office declined to spell them out, because of a gag order. The filings show that prosecutors also plan to amend 17 of the existing 142 charges against the former University of Colorado doctoral student, though the motions don't show what alterations they want to make. But I hope they give him the chair for such a senseless act in a place where people go to relax and be entertained without having to worry about bellends like him shooting up the place.

It's gays against gays

Gay actor Rupert Everett has caused an outcry with his comment that he "can't think of anything worse than being brought up by two gay dads". Everett made the statement in an interview with Britain's Sunday Times Magazine, where he also pointed out the comment was "just my opinion", and suggested there were too many children on the planet anyway. The 53-year-old actor, best known for his roles in Shakespeare in Love and My Best Friend's Wedding, is considered to have blazed a trail for gay actors when he came out as homosexual 20 years ago. So why slam your own kind? If there's anything worse than a homophobe, it's a self-hating homosexual. He of all people should not be making those homophobic and hypocritical statements. He's entitled to his opinion, but this is not the first time Everett has caused offence with his opinion. In 2008, he called soldiers "wimps" in The Sunday Telegraph newspaper despite his father being an army major. In other news, controversial former Springbok coach Peter de Villiers hasn't taken long to criticise the new set-up, labelling his successor Heyneke Meyer's South African squad "too white". With two wins, two draws, and two losses from his first six tests in charge, Meyer is under pressure to get the Boks firing for their home Rugby Championship tests against the Wallabies and All Blacks. He might be under pressure to change his mix of players too, if De Villiers' campaign gathers pace.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Picking on the allergic kid

Kids can find all kinds of creative reasons to harass one another. The latest? Peanut allergy. Doing something as seemingly insignificant as wearing the wrong shoes to school can get a kid subjected to hours of ridicule. According to a recent study, kids have discovered yet another issue to torment each other over: allergies. Recent research published in the Annals of Allergy, Asthma, & Immunology finds that more than a third of kids over age 5 with food allergies have been teased, taunted, or bullied. In more than half of these cases, kids were harassed or touched with the food allergen — incidents that fortunately didn’t trigger any real allergic reactions. It’s bad enough to be picked on, especially for something you can’t control like a peanut allergy, but to have a food you’re highly allergic to waved in your face or even rubbed on your skin is a terrifying way to add insult to injury. And I am aware of schools banning certain allergens just to protect one allergic kid, and this could exacerbate the bullying because the non-allergic kids will resent the policy and the kid that made it happen. I myself may have good reason to make that one student's life miserable, but I wouldn't lay a hand on them. My high school built its first wheelchair ramps in 2004 just to accommodate one disabled child, but I never thought badly of it.

All suited up and no place to go

Stuart Hersh, a U.S. citizen injured in a 1997 suicide bombing in Jerusalem, is claiming money from the Warwick New York Hotel, which will host Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for the upcoming annual U.N. assembly, the man's lawyer says. Hersh was in a mall when the Hamas terrorist organization carried out the attack. In 2003, a U.S. District Court awarded Hersh $12 million from the Iranian government, ruling it was responsible for supplying and training the suicide bombers. Hersh says he never received a cent from Iran, so Hersh has now filed a claim against the Warwick hoping to either collect the money that the Iranian government will pay the hotel for the Iranian president's stay, or be granted use of the rooms that Ahmadinejad and his entourage would use. I say give Hersh the rooms and let the Iranian president sleep in the subways like a homeless person. And I also say invite other terror victims to join him and max out room service on Iran's credit card.

Also going to court are the Hells Angels, protesting a federal policy barring the motorcycle club's foreign members from visiting the United States. In a complaint filed in federal court in Washington, the Hells Angels Motorcycle Corporation, as the group calls itself, said its designation as a "known criminal organisation" by the departments of Homeland Security and State violates immigration law and the group's constitutional rights. Lawyers for the Los Angeles-area-based group describe its membership as composed of loosely associated charters made up of motorcycle enthusiasts who have joined to ride motorcycles together and organise social events, fundraisers, parties, and motorcycle rallies. In other words, the Hells Angels are not a motorcycle gang. That label is best left to their supposed rivals, which go by names such as the Bandidos, the Outlaws, and the Pagans. Sure some of Hells Angels' members have been prosecuted for committing felonies including drug dealing, extortion, and other violent crimes, but as a group, the Hells Angels say that any crimes committed by its members have been done as individual acts and are not representative of the club as a whole.

Founded in 1948 in southern California, Hells Angels claim charters in 35 countries: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Chile, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, England, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Holland, Hungary, Iceland, Ireland, Italy, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Poland, Portugal, Russia, Spain, Switzerland, South Africa, Sweden, Turkey, the United States, and Wales. The group is asking for a temporary injunction, allowing foreign members to be granted visas to travel to the United States. In its lawsuit, the group claims the government routinely denies visas to all aliens based solely on their membership in a Hells Angels charter without further analysis into whether or not that individual seeks to enter the United States to engage solely, principally, or incidentally in unlawful activity. This discriminatory rubbish should be saved for real gangs.

Wigan wigged out by milestone trifecta

Three Man United players made milestone appearances for the Reds this morning at Old Trafford: Paul Scholes and Rio Ferdinand made their 700th and 400th United appearances respectively, while Ryan Giggs made his 600th Premier League outing. Scholes marked his 700th Reds game by scoring the opening goal. The other goals that brought the scoring to 4-0 were scored by Javier Hernandez, Alex Buettner, and Nick Powell. Four players (two from Man U and two from Wigan) were booked.

It's just a matter of font

In court papers, font size matters. The smaller the font, the more information an attorney can jam into a document. Trial judges and appellate courts sometime require attorneys to file papers using the same size, and type, of font. In South Carolina's closely watched dispute with the Justice Department over voter identification, the judges earlier this year told the attorneys to use 13-point Times New Roman font. Double-spaced. With one-inch margins. There wasn't any dispute about the font and size — until last Saturday. At that point, after DOJ and South Carolina traded briefs about the case, the federal government noticed something peculiar. South Carolina's "proposed findings of fact" papers, submitted by a team from Bancroft, had a 12-point font. But as long as they were consistent with the formatting throughout the document, I wouldn't recommend being so anal about the exact formatting used. In fact, Department of Justice lawyers had used a 12-point font in other court papers in the case. And if the smaller font was just a way to circumvent the 50-page limit, they should change the limit to a maximum number of words, and maybe then a smaller font size, along with single spacing and smaller margins, could be used in an attempt to save on paper.

The Duchess bares all

The Duchess of Cambridge is said to be "saddened" by claims from a French magazine that it is set to publish topless photographs of her, Royal officials said. The magazine, Closer, said the pictures were taken when Prince William and Catherine were on a romantic break last week. It claims it is ready to publish the images, which show the Duchess "topless on the terrace of a guest house in Luberon". I'm sure the Duchess has a lovely rack, but the pics in question had better not have been taken without their permission by paparazzi. And speaking of paparazzi, Justin Bieber assaulted a photographer in London today. With Justin, one thing's for sure - wherever he shows up, he's mobbed by fans and paparazzi. The fans, he can deal with. The paparazzi can be a major pain, however. Justin, who is in London, was so annoyed by the prying photographers, he started to push and shove them out of his way. Eyewitnesses claim that Justin was "actually grabbing paparazzi by their collars and literally throwing them out of the way. One photog was being pushed away by Bieber into the second paparazzi..." I think that not just for their targets' privacy but for their own safety, paparazzi should definitely have some limits. And speaking of limits, New York City's Board of Health voted yesterday to ban the sale of sugary drinks in containers larger than 16 ounces in restaurants and other venues, in a move meant to combat obesity and encourage residents to live healthier lifestyles. I'm sure there's going to be a lot of angry people and maybe a legal battle to hold up enforcement of such a stupid law, but the move is also expected to draw further protest from the soda industry and those concerned about government involvement in their personal choices. And while the ban will make it illegal to sell large-sized sugary drinks, it would remain perfectly legal to sell plenty of other beverages (like milkshakes) and foods (like ice cream) that pack far more calories per amount served as well as very high levels of fat, sodium, or other laboratory-engineered chemicals. And if Bloomberg's ban does go into effect, affected establishments such as fast food restaurants and cinemas can easily game such a totalitarian policy by offering a regularly portioned sugary drink that will likely come with free refills. And speaking of free stuff, University Health Services (UHS) will again offer free seasonal influenza immunisations (flu shots) for all registered students, faculty, and staff of the University of Wisconsin. Just like last year, student flu shot clinics will be held at separate locations and dates from UW-employee clinics.

Revenge of the Sixth

Apple has announced the latest version of the iPhone. The iPhone 5 looks similar to previous models but has a larger screen and is lighter and thinner than the iPhone 4S. The company says the larger screen will make it easier to check and send e-mails and to view Web pages with the phone in your hand. The phone also comes with a new, faster processor called the Apple A6; and it connects to mobile carriers with a 4G LTE connection, making for speedier Internet browsing. If that alone doesn't serve as a good middle finger to the Android-based competition, I don't know what will. But it doesn't stop there: the iPhone 5 is 18% thinner and 20% lighter than the current version, the iPhone 4S. It has a 4-inch screen, measured diagonally, compared to a 3.5-inch screen on previous versions of the phone. It is the same width as the iPhone 4S, but is taller than that phone; and the iPhone 5 is made entirely of glass and aluminium. Those features are likely to be popular with consumers. Another, however, may cause some backlash. The new iPhone comes with a different-sized charging cord, meaning speakers and radios designed to work with the old iPhone cord won't function seamlessly with the new iPhone. The company did create an adapter, however, so that the old devices aren't useless. Apple calls this new cord "lightning," and says it is 80% smaller than the previous iPhone cord. Those are all nice features, but that's still not it because Apple also announced an update to its mobile operating system, iOS 6, which accommodates the larger iPhone 5 screen. The new operating system adds another row of icons to the phone's home screen, includes a new version of digital maps, and has a feature called Passbook. Passbook lets people pull up airline tickets or payment apps from the locked home screen. Apple also unveiled a new line of iPods, including an iPod nano with a 2.5-inch touchscreen. That device, which starts at US$150, is able to pause live radio. And Apple updated its headphones, now called Earpods, to have better audio quality and a new look. In other tech news, the good news is that Windows XP is no longer the world's most popular desktop operating system. But the bad news is that Windows 7 is now the world's most popular desktop operating system, according to the August report from Net Applications. In August, Windows 7 had a 42.76% market share, a fraction of a point more than Windows XP's 42.52%. The much-maligned Windows Vista sits at third place with a 6.15% market share, followed by Mac OS X 10.7 and Mac OS X 10.6 with 2.45% and 2.38%, respectively. Seriously, people. Come on. Apple's system software is clearly better than Microsoft's crap. And speaking of brown objects, a new product has popped up on the black market in New Bedford, Massachusetts. It's called chocolate syrup, and it's selling in an unexpected place: Greater New Bedford Vocational-Technical High School, which has become ground zero for a new underground economy based on trade in the contraband liquid. Students say some of their peers are buying it for 50 cents and squeezing it into cartons of white milk to give it flavour. It's their way of coping with, and circumventing, a federal ban on flavoured milk — and a long list of other items — that went into effect at the beginning of last month. I don't see how Obama could let this happen. The nutritional difference between white milk and chocolate-, strawberry-, or coffee-flavoured milk is too minimal to have an important impact on health. I'd rather the schools started openly selling crack instead of worrying about stupid little things like nutrition.

Extreme Makeover: Indian Sedition

Aseem Trivedi, an Indian cartoonist charged with sedition over images critical of the government, has been released on bail. Trivedi had originally refused to seek bail and wanted the charges dropped, but changed his mind after receiving assurances from authorities that they would be reviewed. In comments after his release, televised from outside the jailhouse, the satirist vowed to continue his campaign against the country's colonial-era law on sedition. The law in question is section 124A of the Indian Penal (and no, I am NOT referring to penises) Code, which was introduced by the British colonial government in 1860. The law prohibits "words either spoken or written, or by signs or visible representation" that attempts to cause "hatred or contempt, or excites or attempts to excite disaffection," toward the government. Trivedi then thanked his supporters for rallying around him after his arrest triggered a debate over free speech in the world's largest democracy. But until that undemocratic and irrelevant law is repealed, a better option would be for him to head for a foreign embassy and seek asylum like Julian Assange did. And speaking of foreign embassies, the United States said it was taking measures to protect its citizens worldwide after protesters angry about an online film considered offensive to Islam attacked U.S. diplomatic compounds in Libya and Egypt yesterday, killing an American. In Cairo, several men scaled the walls of the U.S. Embassy and tore down its American flag, according to CNN producer Mohamed Fadel Fahmy, who was on the scene. And speaking of scenes, set photos were released today of Chris Hemsworth shooting a battle scene for Thor: The Dark World, set to be released on November 8 of next year, in Bourne Wood, England, where he is seen in a slightly altered God of Thunder armour.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: 9/11

Why? Because it was just horrible. Over 3000 people died as a result of al-Qaeda's stupidity, and it could've been more had one of the planes reached its target instead of crashing in a forest in Pennsylvania. Sure the death toll was only .05% that of the Holocaust, but it's still an unnecessary waste of life. So think before you shoot or stab or run over or whatever.

What hath Facebook wrought?

I'll tell you what it hath wrought: a promising A-level student stabbed to death after a quiet house party in England spiralled out of control when gatecrashers spotted an invite on Facebook. The 17-year-old, named Jay Whiston, collapsed after being stabbed in the stomach during an altercation over a mobile phone at the party in a quiet suburb of Colchester, in Essex. Partygoers described how the well-behaved teenage gathering, at which the host’s parents were present, descended into chaos as a large number of uninvited guests turned up and began to cause trouble. This is not the first time this has happened. In September of 2010, Rebecca Javeleau of Hertfordshire mistakenly posted her address and phone number on Facebook to publicise a birthday party, and ended up with 21,000 promised guests. And in February of 2010, now 17-year-old Rachel Ross "advertised" a small party for friends on Facebook but more than 50 people arrived and caused havoc. Furniture was smashed, drunk revellers urinated on children's beds, and some ceremonial swords used for decoration were ripped down and embedded in a wall. The damage was estimated at around £15,000. This is why I never post party invitations on Facebook. But then again, young people make stupid mistakes all the time. For instance, Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed recently that he went AWOL while serving in the Austrian military during the 1960s so that he could attend a bodybuilding competition in Germany. And 24-year-old Stephanie Partington, a former air hostess, was recently fined £110 with £85 costs and a £15 victim surcharge after being drunk on a flight from Dubai. She was breathalysed by airport police when the Emirates Boeing 777 landed at Birmingham International Airport on its return from Dubai on April 23 this year after fellow airline staff raised concerns about her behaviour. A blood test found 164mg of alcohol in 100ml of blood – twice the legal drink-drive limit of 80mg. She was eight times over the legal limit for flight attendants, which is just 20mg. The Liverpudlian was dismissed from the airline following the incident and is now on a Jobseeker's Allowance. Maybe this will be a learning experience for her.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? It's SUPER-CHURCH!

Anglicans in Christchurch are talking about sharing a cathedral with the Catholics, a move that would have worldwide ramifications. Rebuilding Christchurch's two wounded cathedrals into one unprecedented Anglican-Catholic super-cathedral is under discussion at top levels in the Anglican Church, and if given the green light, it would bring the Catholics and Anglicans together under the same cathedral roof for the first time in the world since the churches split in the 16th century. Not only that, it will be a great space-saver because you only have one building to worry about instead of two. But since Henry VIII split the two churches, the Catholics and Anglicans have developed some differences, including but not limited to:

• The Anglican Church rejected papal supremacy, and Henry VIII established himself as the head of that Church. Over time, however, the Anglican Church adopted a revised liturgy and became influenced briefly by Lutheran and then more lastingly by Calvinist doctrine.
• Women, homosexuals, and married men can be ordained as priests and bishops in the Anglican churches, but not in the Catholic ones.
• There are many nationwide Anglican churches, but only one Catholic church. Not only that, but their dioceses' boundaries are not necessarily coterminous.

Speaking of Chirstchurch's cathedrals, a date for the High Court hearing to halt the demolition of the Christ Church Cathedral has been set. Former Wigram MP and co-chairman of the Great Christchurch Buildings Trust (GCBT) Jim Anderton said the court would decide whether plans to demolish the cathedral breached legislation protecting church buildings on October 3 and 4.

Tower de Pants

From now until 2014, a new skyscraper will be built in China every five days, according to Chinese media. One in particular has received a lot of attention this week.

Gate to the East (pictured) is a 300-metre, 69-storey skyscraper under construction in Suzhou, a city of 10 million residents about 100 kilometres west of Shanghai. The construction has inspired a great deal of criticism and humour among mainland Internet users for its shape, which users say resembles a giant pair of thermal pants or jeans. But this is not the first pants-shaped tower to come from communist China. The 234-meter China Central Television headquarters in Beijing ignited controversy in China in 2009 for its resemblance to a pair of trousers. But the Gate to the East is definitely more explicit and vivid than the CCTV headquarters. It's an elongated and low-cut version.

And speaking of versions, Amazon unveiled more powerful versions of its Kindle Fire tablet on Thursday, including one nearly as large as the iPad but priced hundreds of dollars less, and a version of its e-reader that features a next-generation screen from E Ink Corp. But my advice would be to stick to the iPad because the Kindle Fire is bound to suck.

Back to Asia, where yesterday, a Pakistani judge granted bail to Rimsha, who is a 14-year-old Christian girl detained over accusations she burned pages of the Quran in a case that has heightened religious tensions in the volatile country. The All Pakistan Minorities Alliance, which represents religious minorities in the country, will pay the sum of roughly US$10,000 to secure Rimsha's release from jail, said Tahir Naveed Chaudhry, one of her lawyers and a leading member of the alliance. Because she is essentially an innocent girl with a lower than average IQ who was framed by a local cleric who planted evidence against her, Rimsha should, upon release, head to a foreign embassy and apply for asylum like Julian Assange did.

Literal dickhead rules today’s post

But first, let me explain why the blog has a pink background colour. It’s because I found out today that my sister’s baby (which I blogged about last month) is going to be a girl. The background will stay pink for two weeks, after which it will revert to green.

But now to today's prize: a new species of fish with a penis on its head (pictured) has been discovered in Vietnam. But it's not what you're picturing — actually it's probably worse. This penis includes a rod and a jagged hook used for grabbing the female during sex. The fish, Phallostethus cuulong, was discovered by researchers in Vietnam's Mekong Delta. It is the newest member of the Phallostethidae family, a group of fish with small, skinny, nearly transparent bodies that live in Southeast Asia, and which are distinguished by the location of their sex organs. And speaking of organs, the family of the California Highway Patrol officer killed during a traffic stop called him "our hero" yesterday while revealing that his final act of public service in donating his organs and body tissue could save as many as eight people and help 50 more. With that in mind, I am also considering organ donation.

The game shall change even more

Last week, Sony CEO Kazuo Hirai revealed the XBR-84X900, a 3D-capable Bravia TV with a very high 4K resolution of 3840x2160 pixels, at the IFA show in Berlin. Today, Sony has revealed that the price tag for this game-changing model will work out to roughly US$0.003 per pixel. Sounds cheap, but early adopters who want twice the resolution as ordinary HD TV will actually have to pay quite dearly for it. The US$25,000 price tag of Sony's massive XBR-84X900 obviously will deter ordinary buyers, but prices should drop over time as they have with HD, 3D, and flat-panel TVs in recent years. But the price of such an advanced piece of technology isn't the only thing. There's barely any video available that's shot in 4K, though there's a 4K YouTube channel, some movies and movie theaters are making the shift, and Sony's TV can upscale traditional 1080i HD video to 4K. And by some measurements, 4K resolution is too high to perceive unless you're sitting very close to the screen (which is bad for your eyes). So my advice would be to just hold off until the price goes down. And speaking of falling prices, robots are poised to make solar power systems even cheaper to set up. We all know that photovoltaic solar panels work best when they face the sun, and we all know that the sun moves (actually, the Earth rotates, causing the sun to appear to be moving). And it's straightforward enough to rig up computerised tracking systems to move them, but that siphons off some of the power the solar cells produce, it adds a lot of potential points of failure with moving parts for each panel, and there's also the expense of building racks strong enough to hold both the panels and the tracking mechanisms. But now, a company called QBotix has developed a way to adjust a field of solar panels to point at the sun without adding a drive mechanism for each panel. The firm's "QBotix Tracking System" consolidates all those drive mechanisms, and thus all those potential points of "moving parts" failure, into one small robot which moves through an array of dual-axis PV panels on a simple monorail, adjusting each panel in turn. And speaking of monorail, the 24th season of The Simpsons will be upon us later this month, and this season, fans in New Zealand will get to experience each episode within a week of its airing in America.

A game-changer of seminal proportions

Water buffalo breeding, an industry that actually uses artificial insemination, recently started using a new variant of the procedure. It is one in which the sex of the offspring can be chosen and it is called "Sexed Semen". But sexed semen is nothing new. It actually became a reality back in 1989, when Dr. Larry Johnson and his colleagues used a flow cytometer to sort spermatozoa and detect some differences in their DNA. The X-bearing (female) sperm are sorted off in one direction, the Y-bearing (male) sperm in another, and anything of undetermined sex passes straight through as waste. Since that time, this method that bio-technically separates the sperm has been applied to many farming species. And in water buffalo, this technique was investigated by Giorgio Antonio Presicce and his collaborators in 2005. But it had never actually been used for the water buffalo species until this year, when Colbufalos, a Colombian company dedicated to buffalo breeding, obtained the first successful results.

It's one thing when sexed semen is used on animals. But human couples who are after a specific gender for their next child could come (no pun intended) to view sexed semen as a real game-changer. And in countries like India and China, where there are already more boys born than girls, many parents who are given such an opportunity would be using it religiously to make sure they never have a daughter, thereby worsening the gender imbalance.

Speaking of game-changers, McDonald's, the fast food chain that brought the hamburger to the world, is opening what may be its first vegetarian-only restaurants. The world's biggest hamburger chain said yesterday that the locations in India will serve only vegetarian food because of customer preferences in the region. The company could not immediately say when the restaurants would open or how many there would be. And just when you thought Rovio couldn't milk any more games out of its wildly popular "Angry Birds" franchise, along comes a press release announcing a new game called "Bad Piggies" slated for release on the 27th. In this game, instead of playing as the Angry Birds fighting the egg-stealing Green Pigs, you get to play from the Green Pigs' perspective in what Rovio says is an entirely new type of game play without a slingshot in sight.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Salad

Why? Because it tastes like barf. And I now have even more reason not to like it: a Dunedin woman found a dead bird inside a Countdown supermarket salad mix last Wednesday night (New Zealand standard time), prompting an investigation by the chain. The woman, who chose not to be named, says the family ate from the salad for three days before discovering the 10cm bird, which was found intact inside a 300g Fresh Zone value family mix salad. This is not only disgusting but it also means that technically, the salad is no longer vegetarian. So I hope no vegetarians ate from that particular salad because that means that they may well have been eating leaves that have been touching dead animal flesh. And I hope whoever packed that salad has a pretty good explanation for this mishap.

Manager's thousandth ends in victory

Sir Alex Ferguson's 1000th league game as Man United's manager, which was played this morning against Southampton at St Mary's Stadium, ended in a 3-2 victory for Man United, who scored courtesy of a hat-trick by Robin van Persie. Southamptan's goals were scored by Rickie Lambert and Morgan Schneiderlin. The only yellow card went to Jos Hooiveld.

At least I didn't drink the water

Dozens of Mexican schoolchildren were hospitalised after apparently falling ill from a meal at their kindergarten on Friday. Specifically, at least 38 children ages four and five became sick after lunch, which consisted of chicken salad and homemade agua de horchata (a refreshing rice water drink), at a state-run school in San Luis Rio Colorado, which sits right on the border across from Yuma, Arizona. And because of the rice water, which officials suspect was responsible for the food poisoning, 15 children suddenly showed up at a local clinic with vomiting, diarrhoea, and fever. The number more than doubled before the day was over. Whoever prepared the food should at the very least be sent on a food safety course lest it happen again. This could've been a lot worse if one of the children died, which thankfully none have. In other news, pharmaceutical firm Gruenenthal apologised on Friday for the first time over its drug, thalidomide, which caused babies to be born with shorter arms and legs after their mothers took it to counter morning sickness during pregnancy in the 1950s and 1960s.

Wheeling and stealing

Handstands are a favourite pastime of little girls in the playground. But if you do one at Sydney's Drummoyne Public School, there are consequences. In the latest school newsletter, parents are told: “We have consulted the State schools' sports unit for policy advice and have been informed that such activities are prohibited unless under the specialised supervision of a trained gymnastics teacher with the correct equipment mats. These activities therefore cannot be condoned during lesson breaks.” But parents say that's ridiculous, and 250 of them have signed a petition. And besides, kids are always going to get hurt. You hurt yourself, you cry, you get back up, and you try it again. That's the nature of being a kid. And at least they're not stealing Pillow Pets like some bellend in southern California did. That's right, a Danny Ray Wright stole 3,500 of the popular animal-shaped toys from a warehouse in Oceanside and sold about one eighth of the ill-gotten haul on eBay. Wright pleaded guilty to grand theft and burglary and was sentenced on Tuesday to 15 days of community service and three years of probation. He was lucky to avoid jail time for such a stupid act. In other news, the Paralympic Games have begun on a golden note for New Zealand after swimmer Sophie Pascoe surged to a record-breaking victory in London. Pascoe, who won three golds at the Games in Beijing four years ago, opened her London campaign in dominant style by winning the women's 200m individual medley SM10 final.