He took it a Little too far

The Bellend of the Month for May 2012 is Michael Little. He is a lawyer with residences in England and New York, and he was indicted this month for tax fraud. Here’s how his story goes: the meeting of the Seggerman family at the elegant Four Seasons Hotel in New York in August 2001 was like many such gatherings of bereaved families: a patriarch had died and the children had come to discuss their inheritances. In this case, the patriarch was Harry G. A. Seggerman, a respected investment fund president who had died several months earlier at age 73, leaving his family more than $20 million. Now here’s where Mr. Little comes into this unholy picture: the meeting that day, attended by Mr. Seggerman’s widow and four of his children, took an unusual turn. Mr. Little explained that half of Mr. Seggerman’s estate was in Swiss and other foreign accounts, and he told them how they might keep the money hidden to avoid paying US taxes. The result was the hatching of a protracted tax fraud scheme involving Mr. Little and various family members. Mr. Little told family members how they could set up Swiss accounts and other entities with him and a Swiss lawyer, who would be paid annual fees for their services. He also explained how the family could bring money back to the United States in small increments using, for example, traveler’s checks. Mr. Seggerman’s eldest son, a businessman who worked at his father’s firm, also once proposed that his siblings use code words when discussing the plan. For instance, they would use the word “beef” when referring to money, “FDA” for the IRS, and “refrigerator” for certain accounts in which money would be held. This is just low. In addition to breaking the law by advising his American clients on how to break it themselves, that scumbag violated the most basic moral and ethical tenets of the legal profession. He is in it just as much as his clients, and he should be disbarred for it.

He hath seen the light

Calling his actions "thoughtless, insensitive, immature, stupid, and childish," a former Rutgers University student openly apologised for the first time for using a webcam to spy on a romantic liaison between a man and a roommate who later killed himself. Dharun Ravi, who had been criticized by a judge for not showing remorse and for refusing to say he was sorry, also said he will begin serving a 30-day jail term on Thursday even though he doesn't have to do so. Yesterday, Ravi issued his most contrite public statement yet in the case that made his roommate, Tyler Clementi, a prime example of what gay rights advocates said were the consequences of bullying, and made Ravi a symbol of what his family called an overzealous prosecution. "I accept responsibility for and regret my thoughtless, insensitive, immature, stupid, and childish choices that I made on Sept. 19, 2010, and Sept. 21, 2010," Ravi said in a statement issued through his lawyer. "My behaviour and actions, which at no time were motivated by hate, bigotry, prejudice, or desire to hurt, humiliate, or embarrass anyone, were nonetheless the wrong choices and decisions. I apologise to everyone affected by those choices." He has shown the courage to own up to his stupid mistake, but that does not excuse the fact that he spied on his roommate. Also, he could have remained free during his appeal, but instead, he is volunteering to head to the Middlesex County Jail in New Brunswick. "It's the only way I can go on with my life," he said in the statement. I would most certainly feel the same way about myself in that situation. Even if there was no homophobic intention, I too wouldn't feel right about spying on somebody's private sexual encounter.

Now that's something to chew on

Authorities in Miami are looking for more witnesses after a police officer fatally shot a naked man who refused to stop chewing on the face of another naked man on a busy downtown highway ramp. Detective William Moreno says police are looking for people to fill in the blanks on what led to the grisly scene in which a witness reported that a man — later identified by authorities as 31-year-old Rudy Eugene — savagely chewed on the other man's face and growled when a police officer kept telling him to stop. The police were doing the right thing in attempting to stop Mr. Eugene from chewing on the other person's face, but did not need to shoot him. They could've used a taser on him instead. Tasers were introduced as non-lethal weapons to be used by police to subdue fleeing, belligerent, or potentially dangerous people, who would have otherwise been subjected to what they consider more lethal weapons. A 2009 Police Executive Research Forum study states that officer injuries drop by 76% when a Taser is used. In other news, Men in Black 3, which I have already seen, has finally taken down The Avengers at the box office. According to studio estimates yesterday, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones' latest Men in Black installment debuted with $70 million domestically over the four-day Memorial Day weekend. The film took over the number 1 spot from The Avengers, which was the top film for three straight weekends but slipped to second place with $46.9 million.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Even more self-immolation

Two men set themselves on fire in the Tibetan city of Lhasa yesterday, the first in a spate of self- immolations in recent months to occur inside the regional capital. One man died of his injuries after police put out the flames “in two minutes” and took both of them to the hospital. The self-immolations occurred as large crowds of pilgrims gathered in Lhasa to celebrate the anniversary of Buddha’s birth. Chinese officials have stepped up security in areas populated by Tibetans as monks and their supporters have engaged in self-immolation to protest government policies in the region. There should be protests against those commie weirdos but I wouldn't go for anything that dramatic. This form of protest is violating their own doctrines against self-harm and they shouldn't be doing it. Setting yourself on fire is just stupid, and even though those who die won't have to live through any more oppression, they won't be around to see the day when the communist reign of terror eventually ends.

Putin should just Putout already

Here's a quick way to get arrested in modern Russia: walk into a cathedral wearing a neon mask and carrying a guitar, stand on the pulpit, and scream punk songs with lyrics like "Virgin Mary drive Putin away!" Throw in a few more obscenities, and that's how three members of the punk band Pussy Riot ended up in Russian prison in early March, after criticising Russian President Vladimir Putin, who the group says is in bed with the Russian Orthodox Church and is unfairly cracking down on free speech. Three of its members are still in prison and have been charged with hooliganism, a crime that carries a maximum sentence of seven years behind bars. The band has drawn comparisons to other Western punk bands, including the Ramones. But unlike their British and American forerunners, Pussy Riot have something very real to be angry about, starting with their own imprisonment. Nobody likes to see bands being arrested just for singing, even if it is somebody rubbish like Justin Bieber. Putin is cracking down unfairly on Pussy Riot at a time when protesters continue to gather in Moscow. In other news, in a new effort to halt more than a year of bloodshed in Syria President Obama will push for the departure of President Bashar al-Assad under a proposal modeled on the transition in Yemen. The plan calls for a negotiated political settlement that would satisfy Syrian opposition groups but that could leave remnants of Mr. Assad’s government in place. Its goal is the kind of transition under way in Yemen, where after months of violent unrest, President Ali Abdullah Saleh agreed to step down and hand control to his vice president, Abdu Rabbu Mansour Hadi, in a deal arranged by Yemen’s Arab neighbors. Mr. Hadi, though later elected in an uncontested vote, is viewed as a transitional leader. But the success of the plan hinges on Russia, one of Mr. Assad’s staunchest allies, which has strongly opposed his removal.

Doctor gets hard time for heroic act

A Senate panel expressed its outrage over Pakistan's conviction of a doctor who helped the United States track down Osama bin Laden, voting to cut aid to Islamabad by US$33 million - $1 million for every year of the physician's 33-year sentence for high treason. The punitive move came on top of deep reductions the Appropriations Committee had already made to U.S. President Barack Obama's budget request for Pakistan, a reflection of the growing congressional anger over its co-operation in combatting terrorism. The overall foreign aid budget for next year had slashed more than half of the proposed assistance and threatened further reductions if Islamabad failed to open overland supply routes to U.S.-led NATO forces in Afghanistan. And there could be even more on the way because the doctor serving time for high treason didn't just help the United States but the world. Al-Qaeda are a terrorist organisation and they do need to be put in their place. I would've given that doctor a medal instead of having him put behind bars.

75 years and still no barrier

As San Francisco hosts a citywide birthday party for the Golden Gate Bridge's 75th anniversary, one thing that won't be celebrated is the fact that the bridge (pictured) continues to be the world's top suicide site. Since it opened on May 27, 1937, there have been an estimated 1,600 deaths in which the body was recovered, and many more unconfirmed. The data for 2011 underscores this reality: 37 people died jumping off the bridge last year, according to the Golden Gate Bridge, Highway, and Transportation District. That's the second-highest total in 15 years and the fourth highest in the bridge's history. An additional 100 people were stopped from jumping. The alarming number of suicides, year in and year out, tells the dark history of this iconic public structure. While we rightly admire the bridge's beauty, grandeur, engineering, and construction, how does one come to terms with this terrible allure? The solution is simple: put a net under the bridge. The original design called for a higher railing along the walkways specifically to prevent suicides, but in a last-minute decision, the railing was lowered to enhance the view. As a result, almost anyone can climb over it, or be thrown over it. In 2008, bridge district officials finally voted to add a suicide deterrent to the bridge: a marine-grade stainless steel net that will stretch 20 feet below the walkways. It won't be much different than the net that the bridge's chief engineer, Joseph Strauss, installed to protect workers during construction — a net that saved 19 men. However, nobody has done anything about this, and San Francisco will continue to be a suicide hotspot unless somebody fixes up the lack of protection on the Golden Gate Bridge. Sadly, there are at least two good reasons for not doing so: some people oppose a barrier because of the cost (yet the bridge district has spent millions of dollars on other public safety improvements over the years that affect far fewer people,) and some oppose a barrier because they think it will mar the aesthetics of the bridge (yet other once-famous suicide sites have incorporated barriers with little or no visual impact.) But the fact of the matter is that more people die by suicide at the Golden Gate Bridge than at any other site in the world. The deck is approximately 75 metres above the water. After a fall of approximately four seconds, jumpers hit the water at around 120 km/h. Most jumpers die from impact trauma on contact with the water. The few who survive the initial impact generally drown or die of hypothermia in the cold water. For this dark reason, the famed bridge is a public health hazard and it needs adequate barriers to stop suicides. There are even bellends who come to San Francisco from all over the world just to jump off the bridge, and unless this trend stops, then people will keep killing themselves in this manner.

Looks like she's the cancer

Jessica Vega, a New York woman who pretended to have terminal cancer to pay for an extravagant wedding and honeymoon, has been ordered to give back thousands of dollars she received from sympathetic donors. She pleaded guilty last month to the scheme and was indicted on fraud and grand larceny charges as well as one misdemeanor. After spending eight weeks in jail, Orange County Court Judge Robert Freehill ordered Vega to return the US$13,368.48 (NZ$17,763.50) she gained in gifts and donations while posing as terminally ill. She was also sentenced to 300 hours of community service and five years of probation, according to a statement from the New York Attorney General's Office. I am pleased that the community members, who felt so compelled to generously help a neighbour in need, will be given back their hard earned money. This is just like the episode of Summer Heights High where Ja'mie King pulled a similar stunt to raise money for a Year 11 formal (this is from the seventh episode - the same one where Jonah Takalua returns from a 3-day suspension and Mr G resigns but then comes back) and was found out and made to give the money raised to an AIDS charity. This sort of behaviour, be it real life or on TV, is just decadent and wrong. That disgraceful bellend went to Aruba for her honeymoon with expenses paid for by people touched by her story, but at least she will now be paying for her crime spree.

First blood cells, now heart tissue?

Scientists have turned skin tissue from heart attack patients into fresh, beating heart cells in a first step towards a new therapy for the condition. The procedure may eventually help scores of people who survive heart attacks but are severely debilitated by damage to the organ. By creating new heart cells from a patient's own tissues, doctors avoid the risk of the cells being rejected by the immune system once they are transplanted. Though the cells were not considered safe enough to put back into patients, they appeared healthy in the laboratory and beat in time with other cells when implanted into rats. This has shown that it's possible to take skin cells from, for example, an elderly patient with advanced heart failure and end up with his own beating cells in a laboratory dish that are healthy and young - the equivalent to the stage his heart cells were in when he was born. This is an amazing medical advancement indeed, and could make stem cells obsolete because you're using the patient's skin cells instead of cells from aborted foetuses. But stem cell research should still be pursued because the resultant treatments could also have significant medical potential. And speaking of potential, the potential for 4G revenue in India appears to be limited. Mobile companies gearing up to launch lucrative 4G data services are likely to be disappointed as research shows that India may not see a sufficient increase in data use to justify the high entry prices. Telecom regulator Trai, while figuring out per unit 4G spectrum rates, has assumed that data services will contribute more than half of an operators’ revenues by 2020. Analysts and industry operators are now arguing that this basis of pricing spectrum is wrong. At present, non-voice revenues as a percentage of total revenues stand at 14 per cent, out of which pure data services contribute only 5 per cent and the rest comes from message-based services. Data services (such as Internet use, live streaming of TV, and online gaming) usually give an operator more profits than voice services, where profits have been squeezed by intense competition. Hence, the degree to which customers would use data services in the future is linked to revenue and profitability forecasts, and also to the pricing of spectrum.

He'll be out in a month

Dharun Ravi, a former Rutgers University student from India who used a webcam to spy on his gay roommate, was sentenced yesterday to just 30 days in jail - a punishment that disappointed some activists but came as a relief to others who feared he would be made a scapegoat for his fellow freshman’s suicide. He could have gotten 10 years behind bars for his part in a case that burst onto front pages when Tyler Clementi threw himself to his death off the George Washington Bridge. Instead, Superior Court Judge Glenn Berman gave Ravi a month in jail, placed him on three years' probation, and ordered him to get counselling and pay $10,000 toward a program to help victims of hate crimes. I don't really think Ravi was a homophobe, but if I were the judge, I would've handed down at least some punishment for invading his roommate's privacy. No matter what his intentions are, he should never have filmed his roommate. In other news, a controversial defensive tactic not seen in the ANZ Championship catapulted the Northern Mystics to a breakthrough win over the Vixens in Melbourne on Sunday. The innovation, in which defender Anna Harrison was hoisted into the air by her defensive partner to block a shot, could possibly change the game of netball.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: All these musician deaths

Whitney Houston died earlier this year. Adam Yauch and Donna Summer died earlier this month (as did non-musicians Maurice Sendak and Vidal Sassoon), and now, Robin Gibb will not be stayin' alive because he has now joined them. All these musicians dying in such rapid succession is too big a strain on the music industry, especially when none of them are producing pure vomit and passing it off as music like Billy Ray Cyrus, Lady Gaga, Enya, Justin Bieber, and several others are doing. Sorry if I appear to be giving you guff about your tastes in music but a lot of music is only fit for use by the FBI and at Guantanamo as a substitute for waterboarding. In other news, scientists have identified thousands of sites in the Arctic where methane that has been stored for many millennia is bubbling into the atmosphere. The methane has been trapped by ice, but is able to escape as the ice melts. This ancient gas could have a significant impact on climate change. Methane is the second most important greenhouse gas after carbon dioxide, and methane levels are rising after a few years of stability.

A little bit of marriage all night long

Today is National Day in Cameroon and the tenth anniversary of East Timor's independence. But yesterday, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg updated his status to "married." Zuckerberg wed 27-year-old Priscilla Chan, his girlfriend of nearly a decade, according to a guest authorised to speak for the couple. The person spoke only on the condition of anonymity. The couple married at Zuckerberg's Palo Alto home in front of fewer than 100 stunned guests who thought they were attending a party to celebrate Chan's graduation from medical school. Zuckerberg gave his new bride a ring he had designed with a very simple ruby to end an incredibly eventful week. Even though the ring was not really the best he could afford with the money he made from his IPO, I hope things go well for the lucky couple and they don't wind up raising their children the ching chong way - in other words, the stereotype-reinforcing methods that Amy Chua admitted to using early last year in a book that I wouldn't recommend for any parent.

EIGHT HUNDRED POSTS!

A new study, conducted on mice, hints at an unexpected contributor to America's epidemic of obesity — and, if later human studies bear it out, a possible way to have our cake and eat it too, with less risk of weight gain and the diseases that come with it. The weight-loss trick works like this: just eat your cake — or better yet, an apple — earlier. Then wait 16 hours, until breakfast the next morning, to eat again. I don't know what they're trying to prove with this experiment, but the data shows that your body might need a break from managing incoming fuel, otherwise you may be working yourself into a state of metabolic exhaustion. When combined with high-calorie, high-fat diets, the result is weight gain, a liver clogged with fat, accumulation of cholesterol in the arteries, and unused glucose in the blood. But according to the results of the study, you can eat as much junk food as you like for eight hours and remain healthy by not eating jack for the rest of the day.

Here's how the experiment played out: several groups of mice were put on different eating regimens for 100 days. Animals in two of the groups dined on high-fat, high-calorie chow. Half of them were allowed to eat whenever they wanted, and nibbled on and off throughout the night and day. The other mice had access to food only for eight hours at night, when they were most active. The difference was astonishing. Even though they ate a high-fat diet, the mice who wrapped up their eating day early and were forced to fast for 16 hours were lean — almost as lean as mice in a control group who ate regular chow. But the mice who noshed on high-fat chow around the clock became obese, even though they consumed the same amount of fat and calories as their counterparts on the time-restricted diet. Extra weight wasn't their only problem. The obese mice developed high cholesterol, high blood sugar, fatty liver disease, and metabolic problems. The mice who ate fatty food but were forced to fast showed hardly any signs of inflammation or liver disease, and their cholesterol and blood sugar levels were the same as those of mice who ate regular chow. When put on an exercise wheel, they showed the most endurance and the best motor control of all the animals in the study.

Another musician bites the dust

Whitney Houston and Adam Yauch died earlier this year. Now, Donna Summer, whose music wasn't really that good, has died. This is proof that there is no God. And how is that proof, I hear you ask? Because if there was a god or gods, he/she/they would instead be going after musicians who are actually rubbish, like Justin Bieber or Billy Ray. Music from the likes of those two should be restricted to use as a humane alternative to waterboarding. But rest in peace, Donna Summer. In other news, extraordinarily old, bizarrely low-key bacteria have been found in sediments 100 feet below the sea floor of the Pacific Ocean, far removed from sunlight, fresh nutrients, and what humans would consider anything interesting to do. Some of these organisms, scientists say, could be at least 1,000 years old. Or maybe millions of years. Their strategy for staying alive is to be barely alive at all. Their metabolism is dialed down to almost nothing, an adaptive advantage in a place with so few resources. The bacteria that survive are the ones that can satisfy themselves with minute traces of oxygen and a parsimonious diet of organic material laid down millions of years ago.

You're so vein

Most varicose veins don't cause any medical problems - although they sometimes result in serious leg ulcers - but they are unsightly and many people want them removed for cosmetic reasons. Traditionally, surgeons would get rid of them by cutting and pulling them out, a process known as "stripping the vein". However, this can itself cause unsightly blemishes and recovery can take months. Newer methods include laser and radio-frequency therapy, which both heat up the offending veins to such an extent that they become gummed shut. But there won't be much need for any of that when you lay your eyes on this gem: doctors say that varicose veins can now be treated in just one hour with a novel procedure that involves gluing them shut. And based on the research already done on this, it looks promising.

Here's how the treatment works: minute quantities of a special non-toxic glue are injected into the affected veins, using a tiny catheter guided by ultrasound. Blood then has to find its way through other more healthy veins, and the diseased varicose veins do what Justin Bieber should do right now: wither and become less visible. For all you skeptics out there who think it won't work, early trials have shown that it does seem to work. So far, it has been very straightforward and all the patients in the trial have been fine. One had a complication of inflammation on the skin but that soon settled down. However, these are very early results, and how it will compare with other procedures longer-term is difficult to tell at this stage.

In other medical news, researchers found that compared with people who did not drink coffee, men who consumed six or more cups a day where 10 per cent less likely to die during the 14 years of the study. For women, there were 15 per cent fewer deaths for those drinking six cups or more. This may well have Mormons the world over rethinking their stance on caffeinated beverages.

Magnetic wrist... but why?

Professional body piercer Dave Hurban is a man attached to his iPod. Literally. Hurban, who works in a tattoo parlor in Newfield, New Jersey, implanted four metal studs in the skin of his wrist and secured his iPod to them magnetically. "I just invented the strapless watch," he said on Monday of his Apple device, set to display a clock. Quite frankly, some silly attachment like that makes him look like a complete douche. It's quite handy but it's not something I would recommend. He could've gotten a good enough watch for a lot less than what he paid for his iPod and the studs to keep it in place. In other news, Apple is preparing a new lineup of thinner MacBook laptops running on more powerful chips made by Intel, according to people with knowledge of the plans.

That's a lot of pizza (not really)

Do any of you know what 60,000 dominos falling down happen to look like? If you answered "no", then the answer is a whole lot like a video I found on YouTube. Click here to check it out.

The cool stop-motion video was done by YouTube user FlippyCat who writes: "This is my personal record for most dominos used at once. In this chain reaction there are 60 big dominos each containing 990 dominos, and a small field of 600 dominos (which says 60,000) to bring the total up to 60,000 dominos used. The big dominos span about 14 feet across. It took approximately 65.5 hours to complete over 8 days. In the setup footage, the counter changes color [sic] on each day. The entire setup fell in approximately 12 seconds."

That is a whole lot of time and commitment for just 12 seconds of "wow"! Thanks so much for sharing with us, FlippyCat. There are some great videos on their channel and they should maybe consider a chain reaction of lots more dominos. A million dominos will definitely blow some minds.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Not winning

They say winning isn't everything. That is, unless you're Manchester United. This morning's game at the Stadium of Light resulted in Sunderland being beaten 1-0 (not to mention each team receiving three yellow cards apiece). Wayne Rooney scored the only goal in the match, but it just wasn't enough. The Reds still didn't win a record 20th league title because QPR didn't win their game, causing Man City to win their first league title since 1968. Manchester City are little more than a bunch of complete bellends and their supporters have no balls. It's amazing those jerks were able to take on a club that is actually worth supporting. I hope those nutjobs enjoy their victory because Man United will be kicking some serious butt next season.

Rangers out of the rain

Administrators for crisis-hit Scottish giants Rangers have accepted an offer from a consortium headed by former Sheffield United chief executive Charles Green, it was announced today. Duff and Phelps, who were given the task of getting the 140-year-old club back on the rails after it entered administration in February, said: "We are very pleased to announce that we have accepted an offer from a consortium headed by Mr Charles Green for the purchase of Rangers Football Club." That is good news for Scottish football, but I'm more concerned about whether or not QPR will beat Man City (game kicks off 1500h BST) to not only save themselves from possible relegation but make it easier for Man United to win the just-within-their-reach English Premiership title. I am also concerned about the level of sectarian violence at Scottish Premier League matches. The competition between some pairs of clubs (especially Rangers and Celtic) has roots in more than just a simple sporting rivalry. It is infused with a series of complex disputes, sometimes centred on religion (Catholic and Protestant) and Northern Ireland-related politics (Loyalist and Republican). One effect is that Scottish flags are rarer than might be expected amongst both sets of supporters; Celtic fans are more likely to wave the Irish tricolour while Rangers fans tend to wave the Union Flag. It has gotten to the point where fans have to be kept apart like in the photo. In other news, Boston University mourned three study-abroad students killed in New Zealand while visiting locations where "The Lord of the Rings" movies were filmed. A van in which the students were traveling swerved off a road and rolled over about 7:30 a.m. yesterday near the resort town of Taupo in the center of North Island, the school said. The university, quoting a U.S. vice consul in Auckland, identified the victims as Daniela Lekhno from Manalapan, New Jersey; Roch Jauberty, who lived in Paris; and Austin Brashears of Huntington Beach, California.

JetBlue? More like JetPoo

JetBlue Airways is apologising for a computer glitch it blames for a Muslim family being told their 18-month-old daughter was on a government no-fly list. The parents, who reportedly would not disclose their last names for fear of repercussions, and their infant, identified only as Riyanna, had boarded JetBlue Flight 510 from Fort Lauderdale to Newark on Tuesday evening when they say an airline employee asked them to get off the plane. The family is of Middle Eastern descent and the mother wears a headscarf, but they say they are U.S. citizens and have lived in New Jersey all of their lives. And besides, TSA didn't even have their child's name on the no-fly list. The family were put on display like a circus act simply because the child's mother wears a hijab. This is just as ignorant and prejudiced as saying that homosexuals are responsible for spreading HIV. Elsewhere in Florida, a judge sentenced a Jacksonville woman to 20 years in prison yesterday for firing a warning shot in an effort to scare off her abusive husband. Marissa Alexander unsuccessfully tried to use Florida's controversial "stand your ground" law to derail the prosecution, but a jury convicted her of aggravated assault back in March after just 12 minutes of deliberation. The case, which was prosecuted by the same state attorney who is handling the Trayvon Martin case, has gained the attention of civil rights leaders who say the African-American woman was persecuted because of her race.

They've found the cure!

The first drug shown to prevent HIV infection won the endorsement of a panel of federal advisers yesterday, clearing the way for a landmark approval in the 30-year fight against the virus that causes AIDS. In a series of votes, a Food and Drug Administration advisory panel recommended approval of the daily pill Truvada for healthy people who are at high risk of contracting HIV, including gay and bisexual men and heterosexual couples with one HIV-positive partner. The FDA is not required to follow the panel's advice, though it usually does. A final decision is expected in five weeks. So after all the work done on AIDS, why isn't there a cure for cancer? Cancer has been around way longer than AIDS, and can also be fatal. It can be put into remission, but there is still no cure. And no, it's not Chuck Norris's tears.

You know those FBI warning messages that appear at the beginning of DVDs and Blu-ray discs?

They're getting an upgrade — and they're multiplying.

The US government yesterday rolled out not one but two copyright notices, one to "warn" and one to "educate." Six major movie studios will begin using the new notices this week. The main change is that Immigrations & Customs Enforcement (ICE) has, in the last several years, made itself a key player in the copyright wars. The first notice shows the traditional FBI seal and a warning that "the unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement is investigated by federal law enforcement agencies and is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a fine of $250,000." The logo for ICE's Homeland Security Investigations unit now appears beside the FBI's. The second notice shows the logo for the National Intellectual Property Rights Coordination Center, which involves 20 different US government agencies. It features one extremely angry eagle who would probably pluck your eyeballs from your sockets if he could get those talons near you. "Piracy is not a victimless crime," says the notice. "For more information on how digital theft harms the economy, please visit www.iprcenter.gov." The idea isn't to deter current pirates, apparently (the new scheme requires all legal purchasers to sit through 20 seconds of warnings each time they pop in a film, but will be totally absent from pirated downloads and bootlegs). It's to educate everyone else. But it's still not going to stop pirates. Even court-ordered blocking of torrent sites by your ISP isn't going to stop piracy. The FBI and ICE are fighting a losing war and they could better use their resources pursuing terrorists and drug smugglers.

More laughs would've sufficed

Yesterday, I saw The Five-Year Engagement. There were some great comedic moments, for instance, one scene early on which was set in the kitchen of a restaurant in San Francisco where one of the chefs was pretending to masturbate by stroking a sausage. But there were a few missed opportunities, including one earlier in the same scene where another chef had told his girlfriend that he was a sous-chef at that restaurant. The girlfriend could’ve then made a somewhat politically incorrect crack about him being, or cooking for, a Native American. The pun was right there, but they didn’t seize that opportunity like they did several others. If I had had some creative control, I would’ve at least suggested a line like “So that means you’re part Indian?” I just hope The Dictator is also worth the ticket price.

Only QPR can save the Reds now

Manchester United moved level on points with Manchester City at the top of the table yesterday morning but the fact that goal difference remains hugely in the Blues' favour means the title is very much out of the champions' hands. Or is it? Actually, Man United are still in with a chance: if the Blues lose their game against QPR, the Reds only need a draw against Sunderland to win on points. But if the Blues draw, the Reds need to win. But here's how the Reds performed yesterday at Old Trafford: they totally pwned Swansea City 2-0. Wayne Rooney got the only yellow card and the goals were scored by Paul Scholes and Ashley Young.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Traffic congestion

Sergei Shoigu, the newly appointed governor of the Moscow Region, recently proposed that Russia move its capital to Siberia. Shoigu, a native of the Buddhist majority republic of Tuva, may have just been playing to his home audience. The idea was immediately squelched, and the Moscow regional assembly dutifully approved Shoigu’s appointment to run Russia’s richest region. But think about it: it was an ambitious idea, moving the capital inland. The idea of taking a capital out of an old city is a good one – and it works. Case in point: Brasilia. Brasilia was a bold statement by the leaders of a people who had clung to the Atlantic coast for five centuries. By moving the capital 1200 kilometers into the interior, Brazil’s leaders refocused the nation toward its western frontier. Half a century after the move, Rio de Janeiro has recovered from the loss of its capital status and is now far better off without it, what with the 2014 World Cup AND the 2016 Olympics slated for the general area in the near future. Similarly, the construction of Islamabad in the 1960s drew Pakistan’s focus away from the coast, where the then capital, Karachi, was located. And by creating Abuja, a new capital in Nigeria’s interior, Africa’s largest nation has drawn economic activity (but sadly not advance-fee fraud) out of Lagos, on the coast. Both are reasonably functional capitals in fairly chaotic countries. By moving Russia’s federal capital, Russians would finally take their eastern vocation seriously. An even better reason to consider a move would be Moscow’s creeping traffic paralysis. With 800,000 new cars hitting the streets of Moscow every year, streets are slowly seizing up. Moscow’s constant traffic jams are a big obstacle to turning the capital into a financial hub. They are a strain on the commuters, who spend on average three hours each workday on the way to or from work (maybe that work-from-home scheme doesn't sound like a bad idea after all.) To sum it up, it's time to move the capital, with a good idea being to split the government agencies between three capitals like South Africa did.

No more burglaries in north Nashville... for now

Police fully expect the burglary rate to go down in north Nashville because of the arrest of just one person – a 14-year-old boy. Officers said the teenager has been responsible for as many as 100 break-ins across north Nashville over the last two years. His identity will not be revealed here, but whoever he is, a lengthy spell in juvie or boot camp will scare that little hooligan straight. He is a very bad boy and needs to be put in his place. We work too hard for what we have, and then for someone to take it or from you or destroy it, that's not right. The naughty little piece of crap, who has definitely tested the waters and police resources, would take video games, flat-screen televisions, and anything else he can grab. His getaway vehicle? A go-kart. But now, he's off the streets and though he has been arrested and released several times before, he now faces serious time in state custody. It will serve him right.

RIP MCA

Adam Yauch, the gravelly voiced Beastie Boys rapper and the most conscientious member of the seminal hip-hop group, has died. He was 47. Yauch's representatives confirmed that the rapper died yesterday morning in New York after a nearly three-year battle with cancer. But at least Yauch, who also went by his stage name MCA, didn't get shot in a drive-by like the popular cliche about rappers would suggest. Just like Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, and several others before him, this is a devastating loss to the music industry. Rest in peace, Adam Yauch.

Who's the king of the world now?

An Australian billionaire said earlier this week he'll build a high-tech replica of the Titanic at a Chinese shipyard and its maiden voyage in late 2016 will be from England to New York, just like its namesake planned. Weeks after the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the original Titanic, Clive Palmer announced he has signed a memorandum of understanding with state-owned Chinese company CSC Jinling Shipyard to build the Titanic II. According to Palmer, it will be every bit as luxurious as the original Titanic, but it will have state-of-the-art 21st-century technology and the latest navigation and safety systems. But I know several things it should have, starting with enough lifeboats for everyone on board just in case it too encounters an iceberg. They could also build a huge KFC or Starbucks which takes up an entire floor, or maybe a banner with the words FREE TIBET or DEMOCRACY FOR CHINA in huge letters.

At least give the poor guy some bread and water

The California student who was forgotten about by agents and left alone in a holding cell for five days without food or water filed a $20 million claim yesterday against federal drug officials. Attorney Eugene Iredale sent the demand notice on behalf of UC San Diego senior Daniel Chong to the Drug Enforcement Administration's (DEA) general counsel. The deprivation of food and water for four and a half days while the person is handcuffed the entire time constitutes torture under both international and domestic law. Even if he was in possession of drugs, that's no reason to just shove him in a cell like that. He was eventually forced to drink his own urine to survive after being detained and locked in a five-by-10-foot windowless cell. He was discovered April 25 and rushed to the hospital, where he spent five days being treated for a perforated lung, possible kidney failure, and other illnesses. In short, the DEA better start paying.

City back on top... but for how long?

Yesterday morning at Etihad Stadium (the one that used to be called City of Manchester Stadium, of course,) Manchester United spurned the chance to all but seal a 20th league title with victory against neighbours Manchester City on Monday night. Instead, a goal on the stroke of half-time by Vincent Kompany handed the Blues three points and the advantage in this thrilling title race in which five yellow cards were shown. Now, with just two games to play, both sides are level on 83 points. But City boast a vastly superior goal difference and are hot favourites to collect a first league title since 1968. But nothing has been decided yet, because of the possibility that Man United could win their next two and Man City could lose their next two.

Suspension with a side of shame

A North Carolina ninth-grader who was allegedly getting into trouble at school was handed possibly the worst punishment a teen could ever face: public shaming. Quandria Bryant's father, Donnell, made her walk up and down busy Highway 17 in New Bern carrying a large sign that read on one side: "I have a bad attitude I disrespet [sic] people who try to help me." The other side read: "I do what I want, when I want, how I want it." Donnell Bryant told ABC News affiliate WCTI12 that 15-year-old Quandria had become a "mean girl" in high school, and had been suspended for being disrespectful to her teachers. I know two things wrong with that picture: first off, the word “disrespect” was spelt incorrectly, and also, public humiliation is not really the best way to deal with disrespectful teenagers. Donnell went completely over the top with this. Even though the kid has reportedly decided to change her ways as a result, it was still not the most appropriate way to solve her disciplinary problems.