For whom the bellend tolls

This month, the Bellend of the Month is Pat Doube.

The teacher at Mercury Bay Area School in Whitianga allegedly punished two of her students, Madison Finch and Nikale Wilson, for being "over-exuberant" in class. The punishment was that the two 7-year-olds had their mouths taped shut for talking in class, leaving them too afraid to return to school. The mother of one of the kids complained to the Children's Commissioner and the Ministry of Education, and the mother of the other kid said Doube laughed it off when it was raised at a parent-teacher interview. Also, another child in the same class was made to sit in the middle of a circle while other kids said why they didn't like them. Teachers like her do not belong in our schools and would fit in better at a mental asylum. This sort of behaviour is child abuse and she should be fired before it happens again.

We totally schooled Arsenal!

That's right, yesterday morning's Man U v Arsenal clash at Old Trafford ended with an 8-2 victory to Man U, whose goals were apportioned as follows: a hat-trick by Wayne Rooney, two goals by Ashley Young, and one each by Danny Welbeck, Nani, and Ji-Sung Park. Arsenal's goals were by Theo Walcott and Robin van Persie. Five players were booked, of those five, Carl Jenkinson was subsequently sent off.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Samsung Galaxy Tab

The injunction banning that monstrosity in most of the European Union has recently been restricted to just Germany in an appeal, which means the iPad could stand to lose its well-deserved market share in 25 countries. This is a shame because Android devices are stupid and because the hardware and software weren't from the same company like with Apple machines; in other words, hardware and software weren't made for each other, and as a result, there could be big compatibility problems. Stick to the iPad.

Green's not the only colour for Libya

The Arab League has readmitted Libya to the regional bloc, turning over the country's seat to the National Transitional Council (NTC) and effectively recognising the rebel body as the legitimate authority in Libya. Mahmoud Jibril, the deputy chief of the NTC, represented the Libyan delegation at the meeting yesterday in Cairo. He urged Arab nations to help rebuild and stabilise his country and asked the league to assist in unfreezing Libyan assets abroad.

The UN should also turn over a few seats: Libya's seat there should also be given to the NTC, and China's should be shared out between Taiwan and Tibet. Also, they could give Bhutan a second vote in the General Assembly because of their total ban on the sale of tobacco.

Jobs has just been Cooked

If you haven't already guessed by now, Tim Cook has replaced Steve Jobs as CEO of Apple. In other news, Hurricane Irene is coming, so if you're on the East Coast of the US, then you'd better start heading out west.

Gaddafi is going to pay

The US and many European nations have pressed for the release of billions of dollars in frozen Libyan funds to help the cash-strapped rebels as the international community moved ahead on planning for a post-Gaddafi era. The Libyan opposition said it urgently needs at least $5 billion in frozen assets to pay state salaries, maintain vital services, and repair critical oil facilities. It looks as if the rebels will need that money because it will go very far in rebuilding the country after all those months of civil war. This proposal to unfreeze Gaddafi's assets for the rebels to use is the perfect way for that bellend to pay for his 42-year-long reign of terror, and they should do it to some of the other nutjobs who will in time get their butts kicked.

Chilli enough for ya?

Jessica Beagley, a 36-year-old woman from Anchorage, Alaska, was convicted on Tuesday of misdemeanour child abuse after squirting hot sauce into the mouth of her adopted Russian son as punishment in what prosecutors say was a ploy to get on Dr Phil (show logo pictured). She also made the 7-year-old boy stand in a cold shower when he misbehaved. This is the epitome of bad parenting and it is far from effective discipline. Even Amy Chua is a better parent than that bellend and I hope she never gets to see her kid again. That kid was most definitely safer back in Russia.

We're still waiting for Ryan Giggs to score

Being the losers they are, Tottenham lost to Man United yesterday morning (NZ time) at Old Trafford. The final score was 3-0, and the goals were scored by Danny Welbeck, Anderson, and Wayne Rooney. Three players were booked; two from the Spurs and one from Man U.

THE REBELS HAVE TAKEN TRIPOLI!

That's right, folks. The National Transitional Council now has control over much of the Libyan capital and it seems to be over for Gaddafi the Unpopular. Now we can focus on making this whole "Chinese democracy" thing a reality, and we can't take the first step with UN Resolution 2758 still in force. That 40-year-old skidmark on the underpants of international law can be washed out, but those nutjobs in the General Assembly aren't doing jack to let Taiwan back in. Maybe Tibet should also be given a seat.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The Janitorium

This is one of the stupidest sites known to man. One of the stories on the site, entitled “What Naughty Girls Do”, was just wrong and weird, and it made the others look like Sesame Street by comparison. Part of the disclaimer states that “daddy/daughter stories posted to this archive are 'ageplay' or roleplay fantasies” but this story seems to be anything but. I apologise in advance for the spoiler and the associated creep factor, but right at the end of the story, the adult male character had non-consensual anal sex with the underage female character after she had supposedly defecated (referred to elsewhere in the story as “pinching a loaf”) but before she had time to wipe herself. The line “Daddy loves you” after the whole ordeal was supposedly over made the story that much more disturbing. I'm quite open-minded but I just don't see how that rubbish can be seen as “love”. First off, anal sex just after the intended recipient has defecated, be it straight or gay, consensual or non-consensual, is just gross, and ANY sexual relations with a minor are near-universally regarded as illegal and immoral. If that carry-on happened in real life, I'd expect the “Daddy” would end up behind bars or in a mental hospital.

For the record, the story “A Lesson Learned” features similar conduct but not quite on the same level.

He had a dream, now he has a statue

It has been a long time coming. America has been waiting for it since Dr. King was assassinated. America has been waiting for it since he gave the "I've Been to the Mountaintop" sermon. America has been waiting for it since before he was born. America has been waiting while reaching for the idea that someone might come along and galvanize the nation, raise voices for the poor, not just black, but poor of every color. Now, after all those years, just as somehow it was inevitable that there would one day be a first black president, there is now the first monument of an African American on the National Mall. The memorial stands on a 4-acre plot at the edge of the Tidal Basin between those of Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson. Its address is 1964 Independence Ave. S.W., a reference to the 1964 Civil Rights Act. That's right, Martin Luther King Jr, the civil rights leader who had a dream, now has a statue on the National Mall. That's a good way for whites to repay blacks after making them endure such horrid rubbish as slavery and segregation, but I hope Obama gets a statue there someday.

OK, so where's the nearest ABORTION clinic?

Planned Parenthood has ended abortion services in three Arizona cities to comply with recent state laws that restrict abortions. Starting yesterday, women will no longer be able to terminate pregnancies at the Planned Parenthood clinics in Prescott Valley, Flagstaff, and Yuma, all of which offered abortions through medication. Women can still receive surgical and medical abortions in the Tucson and Phoenix areas, but those services will cease at some suburban locations. That anti-choice rubbish is just stupid and if Arizona are going to crap on the rights of women like that, then there could be more out-of-state and back-alley abortions among pregnant women in Arizona.

Who is responsible for this travesty? An Arizona appeals court that stupidly allowed key parts of a 2009 state law restricting abortions to take effect. The law also includes a requirement that women see a doctor in person the day before getting an abortion to hear about risks and alternatives (which can be useful because you need to have as much info as you can get before you go in) and allows healthcare workers to refuse to participate in abortions for moral or religious reasons (which is just stupid because if you are in the medical profession and you work for a place that performs abortions, then it is your duty to perform abortions, and if you don't like it, you can always quit or just not turn up in the hope of getting fired).

Joy of Gaddafi's exile hath not stopp'd mine breath

Just as the rebels have captured a town south of Tripoli, Gaddafi is planning to flee Libya. Officials are not completely certain that the Libyan leader will leave but reports point to him considering a move with his family possibly for exile (not like the horrible Enya song of the same name) in Tunisia. In other news, Ruth Aitken is stepping down as the Silver Ferns' coach, the Moon may actually be 200 million years younger than previously thought, and the police force of New Zealand have had to destroy 5500 records of fingerprints and photographs of young offenders to comply with a 2008 law change that unintentionally made it illegal to keep them.

Gaddafi nearly has no oil

Dozens of opposition fighters surrounded Libya’s last functioning oil refinery yesterday and laid siege to about 100 government troops, part of a push that brought them closer to seizing this strategic western city. A rebel victory in Zawiya could be a turning point in the six-month-old war and leave Gaddafi nearly cornered in his increasingly isolated stronghold of Tripoli, the capital, just 30 miles to the east along the Mediterranean coast. I just know that if Gaddafi has no oil, it's almost over for that nutjob because the rebels will have all the oil and potentially all the money. I hope they don't then use that oil to pollute because the last thing the war-torn country needs is another Deepwater Horizon. And besides, Gaddafi is somewhat disadvantaged because over the period of his 42-year-old rule, that bellend deliberately kept Libya's military relatively weak out of as-yet-unfounded fears of a military coup. And I hope the Republic of China takes back all the commie-controlled lands one day.

The rebels are almost at Tripoli

Rebels are advancing towards the Libyan capital after seizing a town between Tripoli and Sirte, the hometown of Gaddafi. The rebels had flushed out troops loyal to Gaddafi from the town of al-Heesha, 140 kilometers west of Sirte, and are advancing as I type. In other words, it's almost over for Gaddafi. So why isn't it over for those commie maggots who aren't letting the rightful occupants of China's seat into the UN? I know why. It was the 70s and everyone in the General Assembly was probably on acid when they passed Resolution 2758. But anyway, Gaddafi needs to step down and leave Libya, or the rebels will remove that loser by force just like what the people of Romania did with Ceausescu.

Man United draw first blood on way to 20th Premiership

The bellends that are West Bromwich Albion had a home game first up, and they lost to Man United, who won 2-1 at The Hawthorns yesterday morning (NZ time). The Baggies' goal came from Shane Long, and fellow Baggie (and Irishman) Steven Reid scored an own goal for Man U. Man United's other goal came from Wayne Rooney, and in total, four bellends (three Baggies and one Man United player) were booked.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Baconnaise

This is one of the worst condiments known to man. This crap is meant to be mayonnaise (which tastes like vomit and besides, I already eat enough fatty food as it is) with a bacon flavouring. Despite having pork flavourings, the novelty mayonnaise is supposed to be kosher and vegetarian. Everything's better with bacon, but I'm still not going to eat that crap. I'd recommend this weird product to people who want heart disease but are too lazy to cook the bacon, however, if I was in that position, I'd happily eat the bacon raw, and wash it down with a glass of bacon grease.

The Game is almost over

Jayceon Terrell Taylor, better known by his rapping name The Game, could face criminal charges (he could face charges of maliciously disrupting or impeding communications over a public safety radio frequency, obstruction of justice, or other charges related to delaying a peace officer from doing their job) after a tweet from his Twitter account incited a telephone flash mob that overwhelmed the emergency phone system at one of the busiest stations of the Los Angeles County sheriff's department. The sheriff's department alleges The Game tweeted the Compton station's phone number and told his 580,000 followers to call the number if they wanted a music internship. That bellend should at least get a huge fine because his social networking faux pas meant phones at the southeast Los Angeles County station started ringing at 5:23 p.m. local time on Friday, and the lines were jammed by hundreds of calls for more than two hours, so the authorities had to bring in additional help. The homicide rate in Compton has gone down over 50 percent in recent years and crime is down in Compton, but it's particularly helpful when the public can contact the police station to report more serious issues. He has tarnished his image as a respected musician (like Chris Brown did when he beat up on Rihanna in 2009) by pulling such a stupid online prank.

The boy, the boy, the boy is on fire

A 17-year-old boy has been arrested after a 16-year-old boy was set on fire overnight in Hastings, and that nutjob has thankfully been charged with wounding with intent and causing grievous bodily harm. This is completely irresponsible behaviour on the teen's part and that of the parents that should've been supervising the gathering. If that other boy died, there would be homicide charges of some sort laid against that maggot. I hope he gets an adequate punishment for his horrid misdeed.

It's almost over for the Colonel

Rebels pushed northward yesterday on three fronts toward the coastal cities of al-Zawiya (which is strategically important because the coastal road through the city is the main supply line from the Tunisian border to areas held by Gaddafi the Tyrant,) Aziziya, and Sorman, with their ultimate goal being Tripoli, and the rebels should reach the coastal road that leads to the capital city within days. This is good news indeed, along with the Libyan embassy in Washington, DC re-opening under rebel control. However, if such good is being done in Libya, the international community can try turning their back on the People's Republic of China. For instance, countries should start boycotting international organisations if the illegitimate communist regime is a member of said organisation. But I hope the rebels soon take out Gaddafi.

Looks like airport security is da bomb

A woman has been arrested after allegedly attempting to 'test' airport security with a fake bomb just before a flight to Des Moines. The woman, named Lewiza Daman, is accused of trying to sneak the fake bomb past TSA officials at Sky Harbour Airport in Phoenix, Arizona. These sorts of jokes are just plain stupid, especially with the tenth anniversary of 9/11 just a month away. There were other people on the flight in question and they would've feared for their own lives had the fake bomb made it on board. I hope that maggot goes to prison for her thoughtless prank.

How's this one for girl power?

Expensive high-tech digital radios used by the FBI, Secret Service, and Homeland Security are designed so poorly that they can be jammed by a $30 children's toy. A GirlTech IMME is a pink instant-messaging device marketed to pre-teen girls (but it is a lot cheaper to use than a cellphone), and as mentioned above, can be used to disrupt sensitive radio communications used by every major federal law enforcement agency. This is the epitome of defective design and it could be quite worrying should criminals find out how to make a jammer out of such an innocent device. However, this can be prevented by turning encryption on, which it has also been found that many federal agents don't do.

In other technology news, Operating Systems Solutions, a Florida-based company, recently sued Apple in the U.S. District Court for the Middle District of Florida, alleging that the Mac maker's desktop operating system violates a patent it owns for quickly booting an OS. However, Apple won a preliminary injunction in a German court banning the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 from every nation in the European Union except for the Netherlands (27 - 1 = 26 nations in all).

In dog we trust... or maybe not

Rosie, the first judicially approved courtroom dog in New York, was in the witness box at the Dutchess County Courthouse in Poughkeepsie nuzzling a 15-year-old girl who was testifying that her father had raped and impregnated her. Rosie sat by the teenager’s feet. At particularly bad moments, she leaned in. When the trial ended in June with that incestuous scumbag’s conviction, the teenager was most grateful to Rosie. Now an appeal planned by the defense lawyers is placing Rosie, who was named after civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks, at the heart of a legal debate that will test whether there will be more of the dogs in courtrooms in New York and, possibly, other states.

Defense lawyers argue that the dogs may unfairly sway jurors with their cuteness and the natural empathy they attract, whether a witness is telling the truth or not. That may be true, but the courtroom dogs can be a crucial comfort to those enduring the ordeal of testifying, especially children. Even though sometimes the dog means the difference between a conviction and an acquittal, that first-class loser, whose name is Victor Tohom, got exactly what he deserved (25 years to life).

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Orinoco Flow by Enya

Yesterday, I saw the movie Larry Crowne. The real complaint this time round is in the movie theater's choice of music played between sessions. One of the songs I heard while waiting for the previews to come on was one of the most horrible non-Justin Bieber songs known to man. In fact, Justin Bieber wasn't even born when that crap was released. That's right, I'm talking about Orinoco Flow (single cover pictured) by Enya. That tune was one of the worst tunes of 1988 and it sucks big time. Enya might not sound like Elmo on helium, but her music is still total rubbish. I'd rather listen to Johnny Rebel (whose songs tend to feature the N word) than that crap.

There'll be less drunks behind the wheel

From midnight last night, a zero-alcohol policy has been enforced on teenage drivers in New Zealand. The government introduced the measure - along with raising the driving age to 16 - in a bid to lower the serious crash rate involving young drivers. This is the sort of change that the rest of the world now needs, and if New Zealand is annexed by the USA, it would be harder still for youths to get booze because the drinking age in the States is 21. In fact, the new rule should apply to everybody. I'm not saying to ban alcohol entirely, but the legal limit should be zero for ALL drivers, and there should also be less of Justin Bieber, whose music should only be played during interrogations at Guantanamo.

Commodore vs Colonel: who will win?

Fiji have banned the importation of some of the eleven herbs and spices needed for KFC's chicken until the 72-year-old recipe is revealed. Commodore Bainimarama seriously needs to get a life because even North Korea allow the required plant matter (not that KFC would even consider expanding to that commie-run wasteland). Either the biosecurity authority is a bit overzealous or Bainimarama wants to open up a goverment-run clone (which could have a name like Fiji Chicken or Commodore's Original Recipe) with the Colonel's recipe. Whatever one it is, at least that bellend has no control over New Zealand's supply of the Colonel's chicken.

He say bill, he say bill, he say bill-o!

It’s hard not to feel ripped off when you get hit with unexpected roaming charges while traveling abroad, whether these come from making phone calls or checking e-mail. Take it from Jeff Gardner, who received a bill from Verizon for US$11,000 after spending four days in Jamaica. Before the trip, Mr. Gardner, who runs a fly-fishing business in Grayling, Michigan, said he called Verizon to find out what it would cost to use his cellphone for calls and his wireless air card to check e-mail on his laptop while in the Caribbean. He said he was told that calls would be about $2 a minute and that there would be no extra charges for data as he was on an unlimited plan. The latter part turned out to be wrong.

I don’t mind paying a fair amount for fair service, but $11,000 for just four days is ridiculous, especially considering Mr. Gardner used his phone sparingly on the trip. That statement Verizon made about there being “no extra charges for data” is an outright lie and I'm just thankful those nutjobs aren't providing any services in New Zealand. Mr. Gardner should sue.

Happy 50th, Obama!

Barack Hussein Obama might have a name that sounds like that of a terrorist, and he might not keep the trains running on time, but he has the potential to lead America out of the hole that Bush dragged it in. In other news, Mark Zuckerberg's sister Randi is leaving Facebook to start her own company.

No bad cheques this time round

The debt ceiling has been increased again, but Congress should just abolish the ceiling because it has been raised 74 times since March 1962 (including 18 times under Reagan, eight times under Clinton, seven times under Bush, and three times to date under Obama), and it's just getting redundant now. Even if this means US public debt reaches 15-digit amounts of money, there will always be a way to prevent any possibility of defaults on the debt already incurred. But they can fix this by having more taxes. For instance, the reason those nutjobs won't ban alcohol or tobacco is for the tax money. If they're after taxes, they can legalise pot or cocaine, or put taxes on foodstuffs containing caffeine, which can sometimes be classed as a drug. Or to cut down on prison costs (which are in part funded by taxes), alternative sentencing like the death penalty or judicial canings could be used, freeing up more money to reduce national debt. Another way to cut down on the ever-increasing debt would be to just print more money, which is what they should've done in the first place.

The saga ends today

This is the third and final part of our story. There were more bad cheques in May (more specifically, on the weekend the fourth, and hopefully last, Pirates of the Caribbean movie came out): on the 21st, she went to Paper Plus and bought stationery for $246.06, and on the Sunday at the New World in Waitara, she signed a cheque for $465.14. Dick Smith Electronics in New Plymouth was also out $1018.87 because of her bad cheques. When the police caught up with her on the 27th, she told them she was expecting $20,000 from ACC and needed to buy food and supplies as she waited for it to be deposited, but police inquiries revealed the ACC story was yet another ruse. The motorbikes have since been repossessed, but there was still $3095.74 owed to various parties, who have asked the court for reparation. That scumbag is to be sentenced on September 7, and in addition to being our Bellend of the Month AND the Weekly Gross-out, I hope she goes to prison for a long, long time.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Janice Rae Smith

This is Part 2 of yesterday's story. Due to the nature of the crimes committed by that scumbag, we have taken advantage of the fact that last month ended on a Sunday so that her cheque fraud can be the subject of our Bellend of the Month AND the Weekly Gross-out. Now let's get on with the dissemination.

On April 7, after she moved to New Plymouth, she had a Freeview dish installed at her home, and naturally, she paid the installer with a cheque. But when she tried to close the account the same day (while I, on the other hand, was actually using my brain in trying to decide which day that weekend to see Rio and which day to see Just Go With It, and yes I did enjoy both movies), the bank told her she couldn't close it (smart move on the bank's part) because she was in arrears for all the dishonoured cheque fees that had been imposed. Two days later she wrote out a $254,000 cheque for her partner, but that wasn't quite it for her. Part 3 will be up tomorrow.