The Cruelest Rule on Earth

The Bellend of the Month for August 2016 is the cruelest rule in the Olympics. Here's how it got this distinction: you start running young. Really young, like at the age of 5. You stay after school every day and practice. You get blisters on your feet. By the time you're 10 years old, you've participated in more track meets and your whole room is full of medals and trophies. You ruin more pairs of sneakers than a dog trapped in a foot locker. You're 18 years old and you can jump higher, run faster, and endure more pain than more than 99% of the world's population. Fast forward to now - you're 21, you've qualified for the Olympics, and you've sacrificed thousands of hours of your life - relationships too - to get where you are. Every morning workout, every time you puked, every injury you rehabilitated from, every ice bath, every labored breath has led up to this moment. And as you wait on the starting line, your body primed and trained to jump at the slightest provocation, you bolt for the hurdles as fast as you can. Only to realize there's no one behind you. Only to realize you had a false start. Only to realize that you've been disqualified and your entire life's preparation for this moment was in vain. That's what happened to 21-year-old French hurdler, Wilhem Belocian when he was disqualified for a single false start. The false start disqualification rule is being called out by The Washington Post as the "cruelest rule in the Olympics" and for good reason: it ruins athletes lives. Just look at how utterly crushed Belocian is - he collapsed to the ground and pounded the track in disbelief, and anger, that his Olympic dreams were all over. And the reason why this incredibly strict policy is in place all boils down to ad dollars, unfortunately. The rule was implemented after the Beijing games in order to speed up track meets, which were slowed down by false starts. This caused television broadcasts to run over their scheduled allotted time. You'd think they'd allocate one warning to each competitor, or at the very least one for the entire field, but, these are TV execs you're dealing with after all. After seeing Belocian's heartbreaking reaction, people all over the internet began calling for an end to the unfair rule, and another chance to Belocian.

THE BIG REVIEW: The death of Wonka

A strong case for banning the police and Big Pharma

Hull next to lose to the Mourinho machine

Manchester United signed off for the international break with another victory to keep up a 100 per cent record in the Premier League so far, and it came in dramatic fashion as Marcus Rashford came off the bench to net a deserved winner for the Reds. It was a match United totally dominated, but it took until injury time for the breakthrough to arrive when some superb and dogged play from Wayne Rooney on the left flank teed up Rashford to slot home. But a real achievement would be if they can go 38 for 38.

Kinda sums up our politicians, don't it?

Presenting the overpaid pricks who put the big in Big Pharma

So just to prove a point, you wasted toner?

I'm nougat nougat, are you nougat nougat?

The final version of Android Nougat was released yesterday and will roll out to devices over the following days. All the rumours have pointed to the launch of Android N in August, and with little fanfare, Google yesterday released the final version of Android Nougat. It's coming out first on certain Nexus devices and those who have already installed the beta version of Android N will also receive an update to the final version. Downloading and installing a beta version of Android to a Nexus device used to be a real headache, but this time around, Google made installing the Android N Developer Preview on to a Nexus device so easy that anyone could do it. Just bear in mind that this is not the finished version of the OS, and there will more than likely be some bugs that need fixing. But I wouldn't bother. My iPhone 4S still works fine after almost 5 years in my possession. As I always say, if it's not an Apple, it's crapple.

THE BIG REVIEW: Cubic dog fur

Maybe that's why they say don't drink the water

Strong with the Joker young Luke Skywalker is

And his wife was pretty hot as Mindy.

It takes two to stay at the top

Paul Pogba may have been the star attraction beneath the Friday night lights, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic stole the show at Old Trafford after his brace secured a 2-0 win over Southampton that keeps Manchester United top of the Premier League table. The Swedish striker scored either side of half-time, firstly with a well-taken header and then from the penalty spot, as Jose Mourinho’s men dispatched the visitors in a comfortable fashion that will continue to fuel the belief that the team can challenge for the title this season. The first home match of the season is always a special occasion for fans, yet this much-anticipated Old Trafford outing was elevated beyond the traditional sense of excitement in light of Pogba’s first appearance since returning to the club following a four-season spell at Juventus. The world-record signing’s every touch was cheered, particularly throughout the opening exchanges, and the stadium would have erupted had his shot from Ibrahimovic’s pass beaten Fraser Forster on 13 minutes. But what matters here is the three points, with goal difference only being of use as a tiebreaker.

Just 'murica being 'murica

Crashing back to the PS4

Crash Bandicoot will be joined by another fan-favourite character when he makes his PS4 debut as part of Skylanders Imaginators later this year. Crash Bandicoot supervillain Doctor Neo Cortex will join the Skylanders Imaginators cast as a playable character. Dr. Neo Cortex will use his signature blaster ray, hoverboard, explosive mines, and will also be able to summon the powerful Uka mask. Activision also revealed another new level for the game, which is said to be steeped in nostalgic Crash Bandicoot gameplay. The Thumpin’ Wumpa Islands level will also include Crash Zones that bring back the boulder chases from the orignal PSOne release. "And, as with any Skylanders level, there are secrets and hidden areas all along the way," reads an Activision statement. "In paying homage to this iconic character on his 20th anniversary, the level is packed with TNT boxes, crabs, hazards, temple ruins, Wumpa Fruit, exploding crates, and many more elements from the original Crash. "But it all takes place in the Skylands - which means a new twist of Skylanders combat and action brought into the world of the Wumpa Islands." The Thumpin’ Wumpa Islands will be available as part of the Skylanders Imaginators Starter Pack, which features Crash Bandicoot for PlayStation platforms at launch. According to Activision, a 'Synchronization Celebration' has aligned the world of Skylands with the Wumpa Islands. "Upon arriving, Spyro and Mags discover that Dr. Neo Cortex has created a terrible machine to harness the rhythmic power of the island’s celebration for his newest evil scheme!" reads an Activison statement. When the machine goes awry, something occurs that throws the whole party out of sync. Crash (voiced by Jess Harnell, who voiced Spyro in A Hero's Tail) must team up with the Skylanders and his old enemy Neo Cortex to restore the celebration before the Wumpa Islands are syncopated right out of existence!" But that's not all we'll see of the orange one: Upgraded versions of Crash Bandicoot, Cortex Strikes Back, and Warped will launch as part of a bundle, arriving for PS4 in 2017. So then why are they not doing the same with Spyro?

Here's a real pirate of the Caribbean

Apparently, Johnny Depp has cut his fingertip off. I couldn't get the image to save on my phone, so here's a link instead: http://m.tmz.com/#gallery/2016/08/14/the-gruesome-finger/images/2016/08/14/johnny-depp-finger-tmz-wm-jpeg/

THE BIG REVIEW: John Key's deluded pipe dreams

Winning, United Style

Jose Mourinho began his Manchester United reign in the Premier League with a 3-1 victory over Bournemouth as Zlatan Ibrahimovic caught the eye and got himself on the scoresheet once again for his new club. It was Juan Mata, playing in his 52nd consecutive league game for United having not missed one since February 2015, who put the Reds ahead after capitalising on a defensive area just before the break. Wayne Rooney headed a second after the interval, before the impressive Ibrahimovic drilled home from 25 yards. An Adam Smith strike was a mere consolation for Bournemouth, but so would winning. Speaking of which, Mourinho has 37 more chances to build on the dominance that Fergie built and Moyes and LVG destroyed. I know he can pull it off.

The answer: yes he can

Pokemon Go becomes Pokemon Cheat

Think the Rio Olympics are full of cheats? Well, guys, dig this: "Pokemon Go" cheaters continue to proliferate as the game continues to break game records since its first release. However, these tricksters should now start counting their days as Niantic has already stated permanently banning players who are caught doing fraudulent activities. That's right, people - Niantic has already started banning the accounts of "Pokemon Go" players who are using cheats and third-party apps to help them catch Pokemons and gain items without sweat. However, the game developer has already confirmed that cheaters and spoofers are going to be banned via its new Submit an Appeal form in the FAQ section of its official website. Niantic has stated that using third-party apps or emulators and faking locations using spoofing techniques are considered illegal. The game company has emphasized that these unlawful activities violate the "Pokemon Go" game's TOC. With these statements, it is safe to say that Niantic is really serious in banning "Pokemon Go" cheaters. The game developer has also revealed that it is removing all unauthorized third party apps that significantly affect the "Pokemon Go" servers. Here's a sample of a ban notification released by Niantic to a "Pokemon Go" player that was caught cheating: "Your account was permanently terminated for violations of the Pokémon GO Terms of Service," the "Pokemon Go" game developer has stated. "This includes, but is not limited to: falsifying your location, using emulators, modified or unofficial software and/or accessing Pokémon GO clients or backends in an unauthorized manner including through the use of third-party software." "Pokemon Go" players can also report a cheater by submitting a report on its FAQ section. Aside from filling in some vital information, "Pokemon Go" players should also provide screenshots as evidences. Meanwhile, GamenGuide has provided a way to effectively remove a permanent ban without doing it illicitly.

Gotta catch the kids

In memory of the funniest spaceman there ever was

North Korea is not the best Korea after all

THE BIG REVIEW: Neoliberalism in a nutshell

Mourinho can has victory

Jose Mourinho claimed the Community Shield at the end of his first match as Manchester United manager after Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored a late winner on his official debut for the club. Jesse Lingard had opened the scoring against Leicester City with an excellent individual goal and Jamie Vardy equalised at the start of the second half, but the Reds’ new no.9 proved to be the match-winner with his calmly taken back-post header. It was the perfect follow-up to his pre-match interview with MUTV in which the Swede said: “I came here to win trophies – not to waste time! There was a palpable sense of excitement among the fans an hour before kick-off after it was confirmed that Paul Pogba had been “granted permission to have a medical in order to finalise his transfer to United”. The Frenchman is set to become Mourinho’s fourth signing and the boss named two of them – Eric Bailly and Ibrahimovic – in his XI, with Henrikh Mkhitaryan later coming as a 92nd-minute substitute. I am confident Mourinho will do great things as manager.

The clear winner in the Ledger vs Leto debate: Willem Dafoe

Chuck Norris would have been a good addition to the Suicide Squad

Tide slowly turning against the bacon

Mole when I can get the source material to load.

Happy 55th, you sellout chimp

Now let's turn attentions from Obama and toward another Osama, namely an Australian comedian due to perform in the South, whose jokes allegedly encourage sexual violence and make light of survivors' pain. Rape Crisis Dunedin spokeswoman Michell Reddy was concerned about the jokes Jim Jefferies has made about survivors of sexual abuse. A New Zealand tour by the comedian in October includes stops at the Regent Theatre in Dunedin and the Civic Theatre in Invercargill. Rape jokes were a form of harassment and inappropriate in a society with a high prevalence of sexual violence, Miss Reddy said. A joke by Jefferies refers to the women allegedly sexually assaulted by comedian Bill Cosby. He states the penalty for Cosby raping the women would be the same for any number more than 30, so he should "just go for it". Be that as it may, this disregards the impact of the trauma that the women involved have lived through and encourages sexual violence. It treats women as just a statistic. In another joke, Jefferies calls rape a compliment, but it is not and never will be. It is a serious criminal offence that can, and does, have long-lasting effects physically, psychologically, and spiritually. Jefferies needs to ask himself who was benefiting from his jokes (obviously him). By portraying sexual violence as something that should not be taken seriously, he affirms perpetrators by turning their actions and the lack of consent into something that should be laughed about. Rape jokes are neither edgy, new, or subversive, and are a key driver of rape culture. And besides, Chris Lilley is a much better comedian.

EAT MOR CHOKLIT

THE BIG REVIEW: The farce that passes for an election

This needs to be the rule everywhere