The Yanks have a bellend on their flank

More specifically, Louis Stanfill, who was the USA's blindside flanker for the Italy v USA match at Trafalgar Park on Tuesday night, and is the Bellend of the Month for September 2011. He was sent to the sin bin in the second half of the game for mucking about in the scrum, which I suspect he did just to get a Mexican wave going. All you do in a Mexican wave is stand up briefly and raise your hands in the air just because everyone else in the stands is doing so. They are stupid and have absolutely no place in sports. I'd rather have vuvuzelas than that Mexican wave rubbish.

Johnny in the ball pit

A condom that a two-year-old girl found at a McDonald's playground and began chewing was filled with ice-cream and left by a group of schoolgirls. On Saturday, a father was eating lunch at the fast-food chain's restaurant in Geraldton, Western Australia (aerial view pictured), when he said he was "disgusted" to find his daughter coming out of the playground with what was supposedly a used condom in her mouth. But a McDonald's spokeswoman said a group of local schoolgirls have come forward and admitted they played a prank by planting the condom filled with ice cream in the cubby house. But even so, this is just disgusting and it was not the first condom the restaurant had found in the playground that day. Condoms are for covering your penis (if you have one) before sex, not for filling up with ice-cream and leaving in the playground. It would've been a totally different matter had the condom been filled with semen or some other bodily fluid.

Kenya's in the news this time

More specifically, two people from Kenya. Environmentalist Wangari Maathai, the first African woman to receive the Nobel Peace Prize, died last weekend at the age of 71, and Patrick Makau won the Berlin Marathon, setting a new world record of 2 hours, 3 minutes and 38 seconds (21 seconds faster than when Ethiopia's Haile Gebrselassie won it three years ago). I hope Makau wasn't on steroids at the time.

The rebels got to the root of the problem

Anti-Gaddafi fighters overran the port of Sirte early today, scoring a strategic victory in their battle for control of the defeated Libyan leader's birthplace, his loyalists' most important bastion. It's great that the rebels got to the root of their problems but there's still a wee bit to go. In other news, Saudi women now get to run (not to mention vote) in all municipal elections from 2015 onwards, however, they'll have a tough time campaigning because women still can't drive.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga has paid tribute to a bullied gay teen by dedicating her hit tune Hair to the young fan during her performance at the iHeartRadio music festival in Las Vegas on Saturday. The pop superstar launched a campaign to make bullying illegal after learning 14-year-old fan Jamey Rodemeyer allegedly took his own life following years of taunts from peers over his sexuality. But that doesn't make her a better musician than fellow torture device Justin Bieber. She has absolutely no talent whatsoever and seriously, what sort of a name is Lady Gaga? But what those nutjobs did to poor Jamey is just not on. Rest in peace, Jamey.

The Reds' winning streak is over

Man United drew their game against Stoke City this morning at Britannia Stadium. Man United's goal was scored by Nani and Stoke City's goal was scored by Peter Crouch. The only player booked in the whole match was Glenn Whelan.

But ye cannae change the laws of physics!

An international team of scientists said on Thursday they had recorded sub-atomic particles travelling faster than light -- a finding that could overturn one of Einstein's long-accepted fundamental laws of the universe. Measurements taken by the team over three years showed that neutrinos pumped from CERN near Geneva to Gran Sasso in Italy had arrived 60 nanoseconds quicker than light would have done. This is just not possible (unless the neutrinos were on steroids or had help from Chuck Norris) because going faster than light is just science fiction. The speed of light is a cosmic constant and nothing in the universe can travel faster. Either the scientists are wrong or Einstein is.

I'm walkin' away... from the troubles in my life

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has gone on the warpath against the West at the United Nations again, sparking a mass walk-out by outraged US and European delegates. The Iranian leader accused the US of using 9/11 as a "pretext" to invade Afghanistan and Iraq. He also repeated comments casting doubt on the origins of the Holocaust and criticised the United States for killing Osama bin Laden rather than bringing him to trial. The delegates that walked out could have instead stayed and thrown chairs at that bellend. His comments were out of line and the world doesn't need nutjobs like him causing trouble and bringing down well-meaning Western leaders like that. If he thinks he's so tough, he should shove ginger root up his butt and leave it there for a few hours.

They didn't start the earthquake

Several Italian scientists, along with other experts, have been accused of failing to warn residents about a deadly quake and giving "inexact, incomplete and contradictory information" on whether or not tremors felt by L'Aquila residents in the six months before the magnitude-6.3 quake on April 6, 2009, should have constituted grounds for a quake warning. The defendants are facing manslaughter charges after 308 people were killed. This is just stupid because even in areas where earthquakes can be expected, there is no way to predict an earthquake. Even if the tremors were grounds for a warning, the scientists should not be charged with manslaughter. This is wrong and unjust.

Keep to the left, Yankee Doodle

Canterbury police are concerned about the number of drivers crossing the centre line on highways and rural roads. During one weekend this month, police issued 50 infringements to motorists who crossed the centre line on a blind bend on State Highway 7 at Lewis Pass, an area which killed five people in three separate head-on crashes during 2007. I bet this latest spike is due to the tourists here for the rugby, and even if the rule in your country is keep to the right, we keep to the LEFT in New Zealand. Drivers caught crossing the centre line can be fined $150 and lose 20 demerit points for failing to keep left, unless of course you're on a one-way street.

I say deport the Mexican wave

Mexican waves are just stupid. According to Wikipedia, all it is is an example of metachronal rhythm achieved in a packed stadium when successive groups of spectators briefly stand and raise their arms. I was at the Italy v Russia rugby game (the one that finished over an hour ago) and there was a Mexican wave in the second half that lasted about three laps of the stadium. The Mexican wave wasn't even born in Mexico but it needs to be deported from sport because first off, it's just stupid and uncool, and also, stuff could get thrown up in the air. Mexican waves are for douchebags only, and in my opinion, are more appropriate at a funeral than at a sporting fixture.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Chelsea

And it's a good thing Man United beat those bellends 3-1 this morning at Old Trafford. Chris Smalling, Nani, and Wayne Rooney all scored a goal each for Man United, and Chelsea's goal was scored by Fernando Torres. Five players were booked.

Two stars this planet has

Astronomers announced Thursday the discovery of a rare planet that orbits two stars, like Tatooine in the "Star Wars" films, adding to a growing inventory of alien worlds in the curiosity shop of the cosmos. Detected by NASA's $600 million Kepler space telescope, it is the first confirmed solar system of its kind, turning a Hollywood fantasy into astronomical fact. The Saturn-size planet, known as Kepler-16b, circles its twin stars in the constellation Cygnus about every 229 days. Maybe George Lucas should film new Star Wars material there.

Just take it to the skies

Diehard loyalists of Gaddafi unleashed barrages of rockets and mortars to beat back an assault by interim government forces on one of their last bastions in Libya's desert and also held off an advance into his home town. Forced to retreat from Bani Walid by a heavily armed and well dug-in force estimated at several hundred, columns of fighters in pick-up trucks raced back out of the interior desert town on Friday after a day that began with talk of ending the siege and capturing senior figures from the old ruling elite. Maybe it wasn't the best idea for the rebels-turned-government to evacuate the civilians because that gesture may have given the loyalist fighters an extra two days to prepare their counterattack. The rebels should've done something else like using fighter jets - that way, a bomb dropped on the town would take out the loyalist soldiers no problem, even though Bani Walid would be reduced to rubble.

What's next, the Isle of Man TT for Robots?

After scaling the cliff walls of the Grand Canyon and driving the Le Mans racetrack for 24 hours, a tiny Japanese robot is set for a new challenge - Hawaii's grueling Ironman Triathlon course. Fitted with three different bodies and three rechargeable batteries, the hand-sized "Evolta" from electronics firm Panasonic will swim, bicycle and run its way through one of the world's toughest triathlon routes. Maybe if those guys think their robot is so tough, maybe it should take on the most dangerous motorbike race known to man. That's right, the robot should have a go on the Snaefell Mountain Course, which is the racetrack used for the Isle of Man TT. Maybe then the robot will gain some respect.

Oh Stuxnet, well you came and you gave without taking

But the worm couldn't wreak any more havoc at Bushehr and now the nuclear power plant is open. That sucks because a) there could be a repeat of Chernobyl and b) Iran are wasting perfectly good nukes on power when the wind or the sun could create much cleaner electricity and the nukes could be used on China and North Korea, which both need an Arab Spring cleaning like there's no tomorrow. In fact, if the UN are going to accept such dictatorships as members, then it's time for the democracies to walk out, start their own alternative, and cut off all ties to, and enter into a permanent state of war with, the remaining UN members.

The NTC are getting ready to take Bani Walid

But the rebels are giving the civilians time to evacuate first. This could be helpful because lots of civilians have died at the hands of both sides of the conflict. In other news, the Vatican is being taken to the International Criminal Court over the Catholic sexual abuse scandal.

He who served it dealt it

The Liquor Licensing Authority has suspended the licence of the publican of the Poolburn Hotel for three months for failing in his duty of care to his customers. It obviously served that bellend right because he poured drinks for four young Irish farm workers for "a long time" one night last November, and allowed them to drive home in two cars after closing time. Poolburn is 36km northeast of Alexandra and its only pub may be forced to close during the three-month period, missing out on tourists here for the Rugby World Cup, and rightly so because one of the Irishmen who drank all that alcohol was killed when he crashed his car soon after closing time. Tests showed the driver was more than four times over the drink-driving limit, and if the nutjob who served him had any sense at all, this tragedy wouldn't have happened. The days of the jovial country publican are over, and you can't just keep serving booze to a customer who is already drunk and then let them drive home.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Terrorism

Couldn't really think of anything worse this week. Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of 9/11, but I hope nobody is planning an attack during the Rugby World Cup.

9/11 turns ten today

And Man United beat the Bolton Wanderers 5-0 this morning at Reebok Stadium. Two of Man U's goals were scored by Javier Hernandez and three by Wayne Rooney. Two players were booked, both of them being Bolton players with the surname Davies.

The big one-zero is nearly upon us

Osama bin Laden is dead. The end is near in Iraq. The masses in Arab nations are clamouring for democracy. And, most important, there hasn’t been a major attack on U.S. soil in a decade. But does that mean America won? In the 10 years since Manhattan and Washington were hit by airliners-turned-missiles on Sept. 11, 2001, America’s longest war has notched several victories. But many security experts and former government officials say it’s far from over. They're right. There are still terrorist groups out there, and what's more, 9/11 could have something to do with America's current debt crisis. Defence spending has tripled in the last ten years and is likely to put America further and further in debt as the war drags on. It's time for Obama to end this by bringing the troops home.

Could it be Hiroshima all over again for the Galaxy?

Apple is looking for a court in Japan to block the sale of certain Samsung mobile devices. In the latest shot fired in the ongoing patent war between the two companies, a lawsuit filed by Apple in Tokyo District Court seeks to ban sales of Samsung's Galaxy S and S II smartphones as well as the Galaxy Tab 7 tablet in Japan. In my opinion, Android devices are in fact ripping off the OS that Apple use in their iPhone and iPad, and if the Galaxy line is forced out of the Japanese market, Apple would be able to hang on to their well-deserved market share. But Apple shouldn't fire too many bullets in the patent war because there needs to be at least some competition.

Palestine have made the next move

The Palestinians have officially launched their campaign aimed at joining the United Nations as a full member state. Palestinian officials and activists announced the campaign in a letter delivered today to the office of U.N. chief Ban Ki-moon in the West Bank town of Ramallah. It urges the U.N. chief to exert all possible efforts toward the achievement of the Palestinian people's just demands. This is probably not the best way to deal with the issues affecting the wider region and it is also not doing anything to repeal UN Resolution 2758. Maybe if several nations left the UN as a result of the China issue, then the UN could win everyone back by admitting Taiwan. And also, North Korea should be kicked out and South Korea made the sole representatives of the Korean peninsula.

He fought the law... and the law won

A man who marched into a Sydney law office with his daughter and said he had a bomb in his backpack was arrested after a tense 12-hour standoff with police. This is just stupid, and even if one has a beef with the law profession, they especially should not be doing it with their children watching. You can't just walk into a law office with your kid and claim there's a bomb on your person. If you do, you're no better than a terrorist. I hope that bellend goes to prison for his stupidity.

Hey Mr. customer won't you look under your seat

A movie theatre on the Caribbean island of Barbados (flag pictured) currently has a promotion on where every Monday and Wednesday, patrons might find prizes under their seat. I think that would be a good promotion to run in cinemas elsewhere, especially in New Zealand as the Rugby World Cup starts in a few days and having prizes under seats may well draw the rugby fans when they're not at the game blowing their vuvuzelas and harassing supporters of the other team. Also, if Chris Brown thinks he can win Rihanna back just by taking part in that promotion and finding her under his seat, he's in for a big disappointment.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Stingrays

Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the death of the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. Steve Irwin died at the hands of the most hated creatures on earth. They are called stingrays and what they did to one of Australia's most well-loved icons was just low. One of his fellow countrymen may have bowled underarm but Irwin still managed to earn way more respect than Trevor Chappell. It's a wonder those murderous creatures are still not extinct like they should be. According to Wikipedia, there are several uses both food and non-food for dead stingrays, so why let those beasts stay alive? Also, they should get rid of all the sharks in our oceans before someone loses an arm like what happened with Bethany Hamilton in 2003.

It ain't over till it's over

Libyan rebels are poised to attack one of Gaddafi's remaining strongholds, saying today that surrender talks have collapsed. Rebels control most of Libya and are moving forward with setting up a new government, but they might hold off on declaring victory until Gaddafi is caught and his remaining strongholds are defeated. Gaddafi and his staunchest allies have been on the run since the fall of the capital late last month. Loyalists have entrenched themselves in several towns, including besieged Bani Walid, some 90 miles southeast of Tripoli. In other words, the war may be as good as won but it's still not over yet. Gaddafi's forces still control now-insignificant pockets of Libya, and if they stay, they can still grow in number and there could eventually be enough of them to take back Libya. This is similar to what happens if you don't finish off a course of antibiotics - even if your symptoms are gone, not all of the bacteria will be, and so you need to continue taking the antibiotics if you don't want the rest of the bacteria growing and in turn developing a resistance to the antibiotics.

Don't drop it like it's trash

Aucklanders face fines of $100 for dropping rubbish in the streets under tough new council proposals. To reinforce Auckland Council's "zero waste" goal, it proposes a $100 fine for dropping small pieces of rubbish, rising to $400 for a second offence within a year. The top first offence fine would be $400 for dropping more than 120 litres of rubbish, or animal remains. This is just the right solution for the world's ever-growing trash problem and harsh policies like that should be implemented in more places. Maybe that will help close up the hole in the ozone layer above Antarctica.

Bad sportsmanship, go away, come again another day

A top netball administrator has hit back at adult spectators and parents for abusing young players and umpires at a children's netball game. The abuse, including swearing at players and supporters of opposition teams, was so bad in one game in Auckland last weekend that play was stopped. Some of the players were left in tears and had to be taken from the court. This is not the sort of behaviour that we want to be encouraging in children's sports, and it just takes the fun out of it all. That is poor sportsmanship coming from the spectators, and New Zealanders have already experienced more than their fair share of poor sports - back in 1981, some lunatic named Trevor Chappell bowled the final ball underarm and some other lunatics disrupted several Springbok games just because of South Africa's apartheid policies when sport should NEVER be mixed with politics.

Apparently eating faster makes you fat

But does it really?