31 in, one bellend out

The Bellend of the Month for January 2013 is Cathrynn Brown. She is the state Representative for Carlsbad, New Mexico, and she wants to pass New Mexico House Bill 206, which states: “Tampering with evidence shall include procuring or facilitating an abortion, or compelling or coercing another to obtain an abortion, of a fetus that is the result of criminal sexual penetration or incest with the intent to destroy evidence of the crime.” If this abomination passes, a rape victim in New Mexico could be charged with a felony and face up to three years in prison if she aborts a child conceived in that rape. In fact, according to the proposed law, even the physician who performs the abortion could be charged with a crime. The crime? Tampering with evidence. It makes sense, but I can think of a better solution: require that DNA samples be taken from every aborted baby. That way, the DNA could be used to link the rapist to the crime in ways that a mere baby bump cannot. Speaking of babies, my niece was due today but she still hasn't been born yet. I will post pictures when she is born.

Did you know that diarrhoea is genetic?

Well it is, and that's because it runs in your genes. And speaking of genes, a genetic switch allowed dogs to adapt to starch-rich diets and evolve from meat-munching wolves into man’s leftover-loving best friend, revealed scientists with the help of a new study. Comparing the genetic code of a domestic dog to that of its wolf cousins, a team of researchers from Sweden, Norway, and America found several telling differences. “Our findings show that the digestive systems of dogs have adapted to be able to live on a diet similar to ours,” says co-author Erik Axelsson. Previous research has said that dog domestication began when wolves started scavenging on waste dumps near human settlements. But either way, this is scientific proof of evolution. But sadly, not all of humanity has evolved to a point where one can expect a rational and civilised way of thinking. Here's the proof: two men from Atlanta, Georgia have been accused of making off with US$65,000 in frozen Tyson chicken wings, in what is surely one of the odder food-related heists in recent memory. CBS Atlanta reports that suspects Renaldo Jackson and Dewayne Patterson were employees at the Nordic Cold Storage facility outside of the city when the wings came up missing, in a theft that was swiftly foiled by management. But seriously, why bother with a chicken wing heist? Blame the Super Bowl, which takes place in New Orleans on February 3rd. The championship football game is a major eating holiday in the United States, and chicken wings are one of the culinary standbys of this sporting holiday — and command higher prices during Super Bowl season. So it would make perfect sense that two bellends would risk jail time by stealing an amount surplus to the requirements of many a party from their own workplace.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Bottled air

That's right, bottled air. If we keep polluting, then it will one day become a necessary evil. And it's already on the market: just like Aloysius O'Hare did in The Lorax, a Chinese entrepreneur is selling fresh air in soft drinks cans, similar to bottled drinking water, as north China is once again choking in toxic smog. Chen Guangbiao, whose wealth is valued at US$740 million according to the Hurun Report, sells his cans of air for five yuan each. It comes with atmospheric flavours including pristine Tibet, post-industrial Taiwan, and revolutionary Yan'an (named after the Communist Party's early base area). Chen said he wanted to make a point that China's air was turning so bad that the idea of bottled fresh air is no longer fanciful. This could soon become the case elsewhere on our planet, and it should serve as a wake-up call to all polluters. If we don't start caring for the environment, then after 20 or 30 years our children and grandchildren might be wearing gas masks and carrying oxygen tanks.

Believe it or not, they're gambling in air

Two French aviation design studios are betting on gambling in the air. Jean-Pierre Alfano of AirJet Designs and Frédérique Houssard, the founder of Designescence, have teamed up to create the Casino Jet Lounge, a luxe bar and casino that they hope will one day become standard on long-haul commercial flights. The Casino Jet Lounge features trendy seating, a drinks area, and a blackjack table. "We're trying to bring back the glamor of the '50s and '60s a little bit; the kind you see in the James Bond movies," says Houssard. The concept is relatively new (launched last October), so as of now, Houssard and Alfano are still in talks with various airlines. While there is the task of finding an airline (or several) stupid enough to sacrifice seating room for such a venture, there is also the legal question of which country's gambling laws would apply to which flights and at what points in said flights - for instance, since 1994, gambling has been prohibited in U.S. airspace. In other news, the Australian radio show whose prank targeting Prince William's pregnant wife went horribly wrong has been taken off the air for good. "The Hot30 Countdown" was suspended temporarily after the December prank, when the network expressed deep regret for the nurse who apparently committed suicide after routing through a call from the show's DJs to the royal ward. Over the weekend, the show was permanently taken off the air, and its Facebook page directed listeners to the show's replacement called "The Bump."

Dear Green Place to become Dear Smart Place

Glasgow has won a £24m UK government grant intended to make it one of the UK's first smart cities. It will use the money on projects to demonstrate how a city of the future might work. They will include better services for Glaswegians, with real-time information about traffic and apps to check that buses and trains are on time. The council will also create an app for reporting issues such as potholes and missing bin collections. This could be a very handy service for Glasgow, or any city for that matter. And Glasgow will not be the UK's only smart city - others including Birmingham, Sunderland, and London are beginning to roll out technologies to make services work more smartly. And speaking of smart, Google is reportedly looking to bring a smart watch to market. That’s not too hard to believe when you consider it already has one that few people know about. However, I will not be blowing my money on one of those unless Apple makes one. And now would be a perfect time to investigate that idea because Apple’s continuing stock dive has taken one feather out of the company’s cap: The firm no longer holds its title as the world’s most valuable company, which it earned in 2011 after jockeying with oil giant ExxonMobil for the distinction of having the largest market capitalization of any publicly traded company. When Apple’s stock soared to $500, $600, and even $700 in 2012, it seemed to have cemented the title for the long haul. But their value has now dropped below Exxon’s again, to roughly $414 billion vs. the oil company’s $417 billion.

Lights Over a Prison Cell

The leader of a promising rock band, Lights Over Paris, allegedly funded his "lavish lifestyle" of travel and a luxury bus by submitting false documents for millions of dollars in bank loans, prosecutors said yesterday. Robert Brandon Mawhinney, whose stage name is Robb "TaLLLLL" University, allegedly obtained four loans amounting to US$6.25 million from Comerica Bank and then defaulted, causing the bank to lose about US$6 million. JP Morgan Chase, Zions Bank, and Bank of America also lost money on loans to Mawhinney, who used the money to pay for travel, entertainment, and a luxury tour bus that cost well over US$750,000. If convicted, Mawhinney faces up to 30 years behind bars, which will serve as a good deterrent to anybody else looking to take the easy way to the top. As Vince Lombardi once put it, the dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

The glass we pass

Laura Clark of Peterborough, Ontario is still outraged with Subway after her three-year-old daughter Aubrey allegedly swallowed and passed pieces of glass from one of their turkey subs last Thursday morning. She claims the shards of glass also cut up little Aubrey's mouth. "I said 'Spit out and I'll look in your mouth,' and sure enough, the second she opened her mouth I saw two cuts to the roof of her mouth. Then I saw a cut to her cheek on the left side and a cut on her tongue. Then I opened her sub and found two pieces of glass," Clark said. Clark and the girl's doctor found seven more pieces of glass in the rest of the sandwich - one about half the size of the mother's fingernail, she said. The following morning, after the girl had a bowel movement, two pieces of glass were allegedly discovered in her stool. So Clark brought her daughter to the hospital once more for an ultrasound to assess possible internal damage. This is why Subway sandwich artists need to be more careful when it comes to preparing each sub. You never know just what unwanted extras could be in your subs. It could be glass, but it could be worse than that - it could be blood, semen, or even nuclear waste.

New data confirms the obvious

It's never too late to quit smoking, and researchers have new data to prove it. Even at the age of 64, kicking the habit can add four years to a person's life, while quitting by age 34 can increase life expectancy by a decade, according to a study published online yesterday by the New England Journal of Medicine. After analyzing health data from more than 200,000 Americans, researchers calculated that current smokers were three times more likely to die during the course of the study compared with people who had never smoked. For the most part, their deaths were caused by smoking-related ailments, including heart and lung disease. Overall, their odds of surviving to age 80 were half as good as for never-smokers. But the study, one of two large-scale surveys in the journal providing updated information on smoking and mortality, saw significant benefits for those who quit. Giving up smoking between the ages of 35 and 44 was associated with a gain of nine years of life, and those who quit between 45 and 54 lived an extra six years. With this in mind, I'm sure a lot of older people will decide they can still quit and get a few years' more life expectancy in return. In fact, people shouldn't even be smoking in the first place because it's just filthy.

Aspirin, time to get aspir-out!

According to a new study, long-term Aspirin use has been associated with increased risk of vision loss, specifically called age-related macular degeneration. This study finding may be concerning for the 19 percent of Americans, who take Aspirin on a regular basis. Aspirin is a drug that has shown to have heart-protective benefits and it is commonly used Americans with increased age. However, this study’s recent observation of a statistically significant higher incidence of age-related macular degeneration may lead people to reconsider their use of Aspirin. But what is this "age-related macular degeneration" all about, I hear you ask? Age-related macular degeneration, also known by the acronym AMD, commonly affects those who are 50 years old or older. This condition develops gradually and over time leads to destruction of the macula - this is the part of the eye that provides sharp, central vision, thus any disruption can negatively affect vision. There are two main types of AMD: 1) “dry” AMD and 2) “wet” AMD. “Dry” AMD is the most common form and develops when the light-sensitive cells in the macula break down. This leads to gradual blurring of the central vision. “Wet” AMD, which is more severe and more rare, occurs when the blood vessels under the macula leak blood and fluid, which causes vision damage. So I suggest you cut down on the aspirin unless you want to go blind. In other news, Serena Williams’ dominating run at the majors is over after she lost to American teenager Sloane Stephens, who is headed to the semi-finals of the Australian Open. Williams hurt her back in the eighth game of the second set, hampering her serve. She had treatment and recovered well enough to give herself a shot at winning the match, but the 19-year-old Stephens kept her composure in a 3-6, 7-5, 6-4 victory today.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Cats to Go

This is a somewhat misguided campaign that calls for the numbers of domestic cats in New Zealand to be drastically reduced. Economist Gareth Morgan (whose son Sam founded online auction website Trademe) claims New Zealand's native birdlife is being decimated by domesticated cats, which he refers to as "natural born killers". His Cats to Go campaign encourages cat owners not to replace their cats when they die in order to protect native bird species. But just because cats like to chase birds is not reasonable grounds for wanting them gone. Cats are considered by some to be a part of the human families they live in. And besides, rats and possums are a much bigger threat to our native birds.

A Spurs is Drawn

Manchester United were left heartbroken at White Hart Lane this morning as Tottenham Hotspur snatched a late equaliser just when it seemed the Reds had held out for a vital three points. The final score was 1-1. Robin van Persie scored for Man U, and Clint Dempsey scored for the Spurs. Five players received yellow cards.

Blockbuster set to go bust after all

The first Blockbuster store in the UK opened in south London in 1989, and the firm has sought to expand its services in recent years, including with a trade-in facility for pre-owned titles. But the firm's profits have been hit in recent years by the growth of online rental services and the popularity of streaming films over the internet. More than 100 Blockbuster UK outlets have closed in the past few years, and it seems like 129 more are about to go under. This just goes to show that now isn't really a good time to be going into the video rental business. While the video rental business did successfully adapt when the VHS format fell out of favour, nothing will save it now that you can get movies online - in fact, you can get them for free on The Pirate Bay (that is, if you're willing to risk violating harsh and unreasonable copyright legislation). However, one thing you won't be able to get for free is coffee from the hottest new cafe in town. That's right, a cafe in Cairo is being described as Egypt's first "Islamic cafe" after dissuading unmarried couples from visiting and setting up separate areas for women, men, and families. The idea is to cater for the needs of customers who would like to have a conservative place to hang out, but some believe it's a sign of a divided society.

Century 16 moving into Baktun 14

The Colorado movie theater where a shocking gun rampage in July killed 12 people and wounded 58 others reopened on Thursday despite criticism from the families of some of the victims. A night of remembrance was held at the Aurora Century 16 cinema complex in the theater next to the one where James Holmes, a 25-year-old former doctoral student in neuroscience, is alleged to have carried out the terrifying shooting spree. In an effort to offer support, community members and elected officials joined victims and their relatives at the ceremony, which was followed by a screening of "The Hobbit." But earlier this month, the relatives of nine people killed in the attack said the invitation to the remembrance event was "disgusting" and "wholly offensive to the memory of our loved ones." They criticized the timing of the invitation (two days after Christmas) and called it a publicity ploy by Cinemark USA, which runs the movie theatre. But the fact of the matter is that movies are now screening in Aurora again, but this time, without a crazed gunman ruining the moment.

Forget innovation, here's some skinnovation

For some people, fashion is the antithesis of innovation - Steve Jobs famously only wore black turtlenecks, blue jeans, and sneakers. That's not to say that we don't see fashion folks innovating (Ralph Lauren's digital vision, say, or DVF's collaboration with Google Glass) and fashion retail is full of crazy little ideas, both in real stores and their online counterparts. But a fashion-beauty mashup? A pair of jeans that make your skin soft? That's a first. And so, let us line up and applaud the jeanius marketing people at denim clothing manufacturer Wrangler. Among the company's new products for 2013 are "Denim Spa" jeans (pictured on unnamed model), which launch at asos.com on the 28th. They will come in three softener variations: Aloe Vera, Olive Extract, and Smooth Legs (the cellulite-busting model, according to Wrangler). You can get the jeans in three different washes and three different styles - that's 3 softeners * 3 washes * 3 styles = 27 different combinations, and it could go up even more if that was available in coloured denim. But thankfully it isn't, because 27 is already an overwhelming number of choices for anyone. But the new jeans would take care of that grim prospect of applying body lotion before putting on your jeans, and I for one would rather get the hose again than put some stupid lotion on my skin. And speaking of skin, smartphone apps that claim to be able to tell if a person's skin lesions are cancer may not be as accurate as advertised, according to a new study. "It seems so appealing," lead researcher Dr. Laura Ferris, assistant professor at the Department of Dermatology, University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, told NPR. "Unfortunately, our data suggest that maybe these apps aren't quite there." The research, which was published in JAMA Dermatology on Wednesday, showed that only one out of four popular smartphone apps that purported to evaluate a person's risk for skin cancer was found to be statistically accurate. However, that particular app costs US$4.99 (or equivalent in other countries) per submission and takes 24 hours to deliver a result, whereas the other inaccurate ones were free or had a low cost.

The mouse hath seen the light

Light passing through the body and into the womb has an important role in the developing eye, US researchers have discovered. A study, published in the journal Nature, showed that mice spending pregnancy in complete darkness had babies with altered eye development. It indicated tiny quantities of light were needed to control blood vessel growth in the eye. The researchers hope the findings will aid understanding of eye disorders. Speaking of disorders, a Mexican athlete who won a silver medal at the 2000 Sydney Olympics has died two weeks after being shot in the head in a bar. Noe Hernandez, who came second in the 20km walk, died on the way to hospital, after apparently suffering a heart attack at home. The 34-year-old athlete was in a bar in Mexico state on 30 December when a row broke out at a nearby table. A man opened fire, killing two people and wounding Hernandez and another man. Whoever fired the shots should have instead fired at Lance Armstrong, who admitted earlier this week that he did in fact use drugs to win seven consecutive Tours. He has let down all of his fans and he deserved to be banned for life. Using performance-enhancing drugs is not on.

New veils cover too much

A Muslim cleric in Saudi Arabia has called on women to wear a full veil, or niqab, that reveals only one eye. Sheikh Muhammad al-Habadan said showing both eyes encouraged women to use eye make-up to look seductive. That is a stupid argument, even without taking into account the fact that I don't use eye make-up. One-eyed veils may be of use to some blind or partially-sighted women, but the Koran does not specifically require the niqab, or any head-scarves, in the first place. In fact, the clearest verse on the topic goes like so: "And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their khimar over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husband, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments." And speaking of ornaments, a lawn ornament and tools were stolen in Port Hope, Ontario last weekend. Police officers responded to three separate reports of thefts. A Sullivan Street resident reported two concrete urns were taken from their lawn, a Black and Decker drill was reported stolen from a truck parked at a Strachan Street home, and a Sherbourne Street resident reported a decorative wooden bear was taken from their property. The two urns were recovered by police a short time later, but the wooden bear and drill are still missing.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Cutting for Bieber

Seriously, just don't do it. This is just another stupid fad that will soon pass. Whoever started this is obviously suffering from some very serious mental problems and should be avoided at all costs. More than 15% of the adolescent population struggles with cutting, so don't become another statistic. Self-harm is not a joke.

Reds still ahead by seven

Manchester United won a typically competitive clash this morning at Old Trafford, courtesy of a goal in each half from Robin van Persie and Nemanja Vidic. Liverpool's goal was scored by Daniel Sturridge. Five yellow cards were shown over the course of the match.

Flashin' that terabyte

Lawmakers are accusing the CIA of misleading the makers of the movie Zero Dark Thirty, by telling them that waterboarding and similar techniques helped track down the terrorist. A three-year Senate investigation showed that such methods produced no useful intelligence, but I'm sure that a healthy dose of Justin Bieber pumped right into the suspect's ears would get something useful. Also useful would be a 1-terabyte flash drive. That's right, thanks to Kingston, you can carry a swappable memory drive as large as one terabyte around with you. You read that right: one terabyte of memory - generally a unit of memory expected for the modern PC which can be easily achieved for less than US$80. However, Kingston is marketing this tiny behemoth of a USB for US$1,750. Comparatively, this seems like a complete rip-off in pricing, but you must consider a) how difficult it must be to fit that much memory onto a stick the size of your thumb, and b) the fact that a USB uses no moving parts, making it direct opposition to magnetic media, a huge factor in that competition. The big problem here, of course, is price. And speaking of price, there has been some buzz about how Mashable.com’s Chris Tayler broke the story that it would cost you a cool US$100 if you wanted to put a message into Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s inbox, rather than having it sent to the less recognisable and oft-forgotten “other” box. Apparently, Facebook has been testing this new pay-to-message model since last year. The goal is to lessen the amount of spam that is sent by adding a hurdle, the size of which raises or lowers dependent upon the relative importance of the recipient. Prices have been seen at the US$1 mark for users at the bottom of the totem pole, and go up to US$100 for Zuckerberg’s own Facebook account.

Sugarpova goes overboard with the sugar

Ashley Gill-Webb, a 34-year-old Yorkshireman who threw a plastic beer bottle on to the track at the start of the men's Olympic 100m final last year, has been found guilty of public order offences. The two charges relate to a period of two to three minutes before the start of the Olympic 100m men's final on August 5. Before chucking the bottle, Mr Gill-Webb looked over his right shoulder and then round to look over his left shoulder to see if anyone was watching him and then stepped for concealment behind other spectators. Satisfied that he was not under observation, he threw the bottle very close to the competitors who were listening for the starting gun. This incident came close to disrupting the most-watched event of the 2012 Olympic Games, which was broadcast to millions of people across the world and for which many athletes had trained for years. In my opinion, that bellend should've gone to jail for throwing a bottle on to the track at the men's 100m final. What he did was reckless and irresponsible, but can't be as bad as Maria Sharapova's new candy line. She might be in Australia for the tennis, but she has another project up her sleeve - launching her "entirely inappropriate" boutique lolly line, Sugarpova. With 12 flavours and lollies shaped as high heels, purses, and tennis balls, Sugarpova is "a premium lolly brand that reflects the playful personality that is Maria Sharapova" - and has been created specifically with girls in mind. But there is a whopping 21 grams of sugar to be had per serving (five pieces). Maria Sharapova is a hugely influential athlete, admired by parents and children alike. She has a role to play in promoting healthy lifestyles, and by marketing a ‘dream candy line' and particularly encouraging its consumption after playing sport, Maria Sharapova is helping create an inevitable link between sports (which should be about healthy living) and junk food in the minds of children.

Joker goes on trial at long last

A Colorado judge has ruled that there is enough evidence for the man accused of killing 12 and wounding 58 others at a cinema last July to face trial. The ruling follows a three-day hearing in which prosecutors laid out their case against the suspect, James Holmes. It means Mr Holmes is set to be formally charged today (Mountain Standard Time), although his lawyers have said he is not ready to enter a plea. But after six months, there will finally be a trial for this heinous crime. I hope they put that bellend away for a long time, or better yet, give him the chair. And speaking of chairs, this is got to be the best. Chair. Ever:

From one joker to another

Following her split this week with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed Tuesday that Taylor Swift has moved on and is now dating mass murder suspect James Holmes. “Taylor and James were first spotted canoodling at a pre-trial hearing, and we were able to confirm today that the two are indeed an item,” gossip blogger Perez Hilton wrote of the relationship between the 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the 25-year-old accused Aurora theater gunman, nicknaming the couple “Swolmes.” I'm glad Swift has found someone, but I'm worried that she could be Holmes's next victim. She should stick to playing rubbish music and leave playing with fire to the professionals. And speaking of professional, professional thieves nabbed 7,000 Wii U consoles from a warehouse in Seattle, Washington. Police reported today that they have found two trucks involved in the theft of the Nintendo consoles. Police found the smaller box truck in the nearby municipality of Fife, Washington, with the commercial logos removed, and a semi truck in Auburn with the vehicle identification number covered up and a new company name "S.S. Trans" painted on the sides. But while some of the evidence of the theft was recovered, police are no closer to finding the 7,000 consoles stolen. They are still hot on the chase.

Fryer fries his vessel

Authorities are trying to figure out the best way to remove a sailboat that was lodged in the sand in Laguna Beach after a sailor who was allegedly intoxicated had run it aground. The sailor, a 47-year-old Stephen Michael Fryer of San Diego, ran the 28-foot vessel aground around 4pm on Sunday. Police and lifeguards found the owner inside the boat after it washed up on the beach, but Fryer had to be removed by authorities as he was unable to comply with lifeguards’ directions. This has got to be the most irresponsible thing one can do on a boat. He shouldn't have been drinking while sailing because if you drink and sail, then you're not really much of a sailor. And speaking of sea-men, Cummings Sporting Goods will close its doors next month after 37 years of faithful service to the people of Cullman, Alabama. Owner Steve Cummings cited the sluggish economy, increased competition, and changes in the baseball and softball bat industry as the main reasons for the decision. The store will officially shut down at some point in mid-to-late February.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Those outfits

They suck. Seriously, who in their right mind would wear this dated rubbish? I can't believe that a new baktun recently begun and there are people who still wear this. We are in a time where Brazil has a female president, the next Olympic Games AND the next World Cup are going to be hosted in that country, the youngest currently serving head of state of any nation is now 30, Cuthbert Sebastian has been replaced as the Governor-General of St. Kitts and Nevis, and Gangnam Style is starting to get old. That's right, 2012 is over and there are STILL people who wear gross costumes from over 40 years ago. Seriously, people, get with the times.

Hobbit hobs off the top

Horror film Texas Chainsaw 3D has unexpectedly topped the US box office, ending The Hobbit's three-week reign. The movie, set immediately after the events in Tobe Hooper's classic 1974 slasher picture, made US$23m in its opening weekend, making back its US$20m budget for film company Lionsgate. Texas Chainsaw 3D is the seventh film in the horror franchise, featuring an antagonist called Leatherface, who wears a mask made of human skin. The character was reportedly based on serial killer Ed Gein, who also inspired Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho. And speaking of psycho, the public will soon get its first look at the evidence against Aurora theater shooting suspect James Holmes. Holmes' preliminary hearing begins later today (Mountain Standard Time) and is expected to last all week, according to ABC News. At the end of the hearing, judge William Sylvester will decide if there is enough evidence for the case to go to trial. The prosecution is expected to present recordings of calls to 911 and approximately 30 hours of video from inside the Century 16 multiplex.

But if you think one shooter is scary, wait until you've heard this gem: unbeknownst to one another, every single member of the office staff at Kelleher Advertising Associates in Kansas City is planning to carry out a workplace shooting spree next Monday, reporters learned last week. According to their independently formulated yet nearly identical plans, the company’s 38 employees will arrive at the office early on the 14th, each carrying a duffel bag containing an assault rifle, handguns, and several hundred rounds of ammunition. At precisely 9am Central Standard Time, as indicated in each of their individual plots, every member of the advertising agency’s staff will simultaneously produce their weapons and open fire on one another. I'm pretty sure things would get really awkward when the entire staff find out that they have the exact same plans and the whole thing turns into an office-wide Hunger Games. Speaking of Hunger Games, influential Wall Street analyst Richard Greenfield of BTIG has weighed in with his 2013 predictions for the media sector, telling his clients that the Hunger Games sequel Catching Fire will be the biggest movie of the year and Disney’s The Lone Ranger will be the year’s biggest disappointment. But I'll pass my own judgement once I see it.

Straddle to skedaddle

The Indonesian government may step in to stop a city in Aceh province from prohibiting women from wearing pants and "straddling" motorbikes or bicycles, requiring women to instead ride two-wheel vehicles "sidesaddle." Mayor Suaidi Yahya of the town of Lhokseumawe told the Jakarta Globe last week that the town planned to submit the new rule because "we've seen that people's behaviours and morals are getting far from Aceh's Islamic cultural values. We want to save women from things that will cause them to violate Shariah law. We wish to honour women with this ban, because they are delicate creatures." This is just stupid. There is no honour in discrimination against women. There are women (and yes, men) who prefer skirts, but there are also women who prefer pants. But taking sides on the skirt-or-pants dilemma won't be of much use to four people, one of them the gunman, who died in a hostage-taking incident in Aurora, Colorado, the same town where a man shot dead 12 people and wounded 58 more in a movie theater last July.

Wegelin is Wegelout

Wegelin & Co., Switzerland’s oldest bank, announced yesterday that it has helped Americans evade paying at least $1.2 billion in taxes over the past ten years, and said it will close after paying the United States $57.8 million in restitution and fines. Otto Bruderer, a managing partner of Wegelin, appeared in a US court to plead guilty on behalf of the bank. This is the first time a non-US bank has pleaded guilty to participating in a tax evasion scheme.

We will be pointing the finger at another nasty scheme tonight, this time closer to home. A rogue tour operator took eleven Chinese tourists to Auckland City Mission's Christmas Day lunch for the needy. It has been revealed that Xing Yu Tours, who is not licensed under Tourism New Zealand's approved tour group scheme, sold packages hyping a grand Christmas buffet, a traditional Kiwi BBQ, and visits to a wildlife reserve and gardens. The grand buffet turned out to be the City Mission's charity lunch while other venues were public parks and a sausage sizzle. Not only did the eleven tourists get taken for a ride by those crooks, the gatecrasher incident was also unfair on genuine guests at the annual Christmas lunch. The bellend behind those package tours did a mean and deceitful thing and he should be sent to jail for it.

Equal amounts of hate

When one thinks of bad parents, one would think of names like Joan Crawford, Casey Anthony, and Amy Chua. But there is a new kid on the block: Seattle-area foster mother Ellen Kovach. She recently told reporters that she doesn’t play least favorites, claiming that each of the minors placed in her home is provided with an equal amount of deep, seething animosity. “They’re all my least favorite,” said the state-certified caregiver of 14-year-old Jeffrey, 12-year-old Claire, and 8-year-old Trevor. “I really don’t ignore or resent one more than the other. All three are a huge pain in my ass. Sure, sometimes it might seem like I spend more time arguing with Claire, but believe me, a good part of my day is devoted to reassuring Jeffrey and Trevor that they mean nothing to me. Those kids definitely know I hate them all the same.” Kovach, who receives monthly checks of $400 per child, was adamant in refusing to say which of the three juveniles she despised the most, insisting that Jeffrey, Claire, and Trevor were “all especially irritating in their own unique ways.” I respect her for having the balls to come right out with such negative things about her own foster children. How she ever managed to become certified to begin with is beyond me, as is how a Frenchwoman who crashed into a taxi in Queenstown can expect to assign blame on the New Zealand authorities. She was driving on the wrong side of Frankton Rd when her vehicle collided with a taxi at 4.40am on Tuesday. Her explanation was she was adhering to the French road rules and since New Zealand authorities permitted her to drive, they must take some responsibility. This argument is flimsy and will not hold up. If you want to come to another country, you have to respect their laws, even if this means driving on the other side of the road.

Pie-eaters eating humble pie after four-goal loss

Manchester United started 2013 with a statement of intent yesterday morning (NZ time) at DW Stadium by recording a comfortable 4-0 victory over Wigan Athletic to maintain a seven-point lead at the top of the table. Any thoughts of a repeat of the costly defeat at the same venue last season were dismissed with strike partners Javier Hernandez and Robin van Persie scoring two goals each. Two players received yellow cards.

Should old game consoles be forgot?

Never. But old stuff does go out of fashion. And that's why it appears it may finally be game over for the PlayStation 2. According to Japanese tech publication Famitsu, Sony Computer Entertainment of Japan announced this week that they are discontinuing the PlayStation 2, with no new shipments going to retailers in its home nation. The announcement comes after a storied 13-year run for the system, during which the console sold over 150 million units, helping the Playstation 2 become the best selling home console of all time. Released in 2000, the system outsold and outlasted its fellow sixth-generation consoles, including the Xbox, the GameCube, and the short-lived Dreamcast.

Another new era has begun, but this time in American law. Employers in California and Illinois will be prohibited from demanding access to workers' password-protected social networking accounts and teachers in Oregon will be required to report suspected student bullies thanks to new laws taking effect in 2013. In all, more than 400 measures were enacted at the state level during 2012 and will become law in the new year, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures (NCSL). Some of the statutes, which deal with everything from consumer protection to gun control and healthcare, took effect yesterday at the stroke of midnight local time. Others will not kick in until later in the year. The raft of measures includes a new abortion restriction in New Hampshire, public-employee pension reform in California and Alabama, same-sex marriage in Maryland, and a requirement that private insurers in Alaska cover autism in kids and young adults.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Word banishment

Dear 2012, now that you're gone, please take these lame words with you: trending, spoiler alert, bucket list, superfood, guru, and job creators. Oh yeah, and don't forget yolo (word similar in meaning to the Latin phrase "carpe diem"). That's the message from scholars at Lake Superior State University.

For the 38th straight year, the tiny state college tucked away in Michigan's Upper Peninsula unveiled on Monday its list of useless, overused, or misused terms: 12 words or phrases the school wants "banished" from the English language in 2013. While there are some words that should be put to rest, the list may be viewed by some as an attack on the free speech rights of LSSU's students and faculty (even though there is no regulatory force behind the list).