Is everyone enjoying Easter?

Manchester United ground out a gritty, yet invaluable win over Sunderland this morning at Stadium of Light to extend a record-breaking start to the Barclays Premier League season. Robin van Persie's 27th-minute strike deflected off Phil Bardsley and Titus Bramble (who was credited with the goal) for the only goal of the game, making United the only team to win 25 of the first 30 games of a top flight season in England. There were four yellow cards.

Because today is the last day of the month, we have one important piece of business to attend to. The Bellend of the Month for March 2013 is Cory J. Feerick. He is a 33-year-old from Brookfield, Wisconsin, who is being charged with five misdemeanor counts of stealing flush valves from fast food restaurants and university toilets and urinals. For nearly four months, police from several departments were investigating multiple thefts of flush valves from toilets and urinals in public restrooms. Feerick reportedly stole roughly US$35,000 worth of the devices, and if convicted, Feerick could spend to 9 to 45 months in jail, and pay between US$10,000 and US$50,000 in fines. Seriously, guys, it's not worth it.

Spreadsheets begin to spread out

A Canadian accountant has managed to create a basic video game using only Excel spreadsheets. The game, called Arena.Xlsm, is a turn-based fantasy game in which players fight monsters and gather loot to make their character more powerful. It looks like it could be worth playing, but let's not dwell on that because iOS continues to be the preferred mobile platform in the business world, at least according to a recent report from Citrix. Looking specifically at business customers who use its cloud-based management software, Citrix found that iOS was No. 1 with 58 percent adoption in last year's fourth quarter. Android took second place with a 35 percent share, followed by Window Mobile with only 7 percent. Among all deployed iOS devices using Citrix's sofware, iPads accounted for 53 percent and iPhones for 46 percent.

Letter reaches judge at bullet speed

The life story of a 15-year Pakistani girl who was shot by the Taliban will be published later this year, in a deal reported to be worth around £2m. "I am Malala" will be published in the autumn and will tell the story of Malala Yousafzai, who was shot by Taliban gunmen after she became an advocate for woman's education in the Swat Valley. She now attends a school in Birmingham. Meanwhile, on the other side of the English Channel, the row over a corruption probe against Nicolas Sarkozy escalated yesterday after as the judge who charged France's former president received a bullet and a death threat in the post. The letter was sent to Jean-Michel Gentil, the most prominent of three judges investigating the case, on Wednesday, the magistrate's union SM revealed in a statement published on its website. The bellend who was stupid enough to send such things should've sent them to somebody who was more deserving, like maybe Justin Bieber or that drug cheat Lance Armstrong, who has stormed to a commanding win to be the first foxsports.com.au Vettel Award winner as Sports' Grand Prick. From over 4300 votes, the foxsports.com.au users named Armstrong sport's biggest villain ahead of Anthony "The Man" Mundine and - the inspiration behind the award - F1 bad boy Sebastian Vettel.

Push for the chair marches on

Colorado shooting suspect James Holmes has offered to plead guilty and spend the rest of his life behind bars in exchange for avoiding the death penalty, according to court documents filed yesterday. Prosecutors have not accepted the offer. Previously, they had said they would make a decision on whether to seek the death penalty against the 25-year-old Holmes at a hearing on Monday. "Prior to arraignment, Mr. Holmes made an offer to the prosecution to resolve this case by pleading guilty and spending the rest of his life in prison, without any opportunity for parole," the documents read. "If the prosecution elects not to pursue the death penalty, then it is Mr. Holmes' position that this case could be resolved on April 1." I would have that scumbag executed. One should remember that twelve people aren't around today because of that bellend. James Holmes should most definitely suffer the same fate.

Not skirting the issues here

Following a long-running discussion between Asiana Airlines and its flight attendants union about ending a skirts-only dress code for female cabin crew, the Seoul-based airline says it will be introducing a pants option to its uniform as soon as next month. The National Human Rights Commission in South Korea ruled the current dress code as discriminatory after the Korean Confederation of Trade Unions filed a complaint about restrictions on dress and appearance. And speaking of dress, Psy wants his fans to dress in white at his April concert where he will launch a new song that he hopes will cement the success of his "Gangnam Style" Youtube hit. "See this pic and let's be white on 0413", Psy tweeted on his @psy_oppa Twitter feed today, referring to the April 13 concert to be held in the South Korean capital of Seoul. But on the other side of the Demilitarised Zone, as the U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments yesterday on the constitutionality of banning same-sex marriage, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un told reporters that, considering he’s not a completely awful human being, he unequivocally believes that gay people should be able to marry. “Of course I believe gay and lesbian couples should be treated equally under the law, for God’s sake; I’m not a monster,” the despotic leader said, adding that, should the Supreme Court not declare same-sex marriage constitutional in all 50 states, he would strongly consider launching a nuclear weapon at the United States. Fair enough, but if I were him, I'd improve in several other areas. And if you're thinking of taking sides in this thorny issue, please bear this in mind:

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: People who don't get it right during Passover

Today is the second day of the Jewish festival of Passover. But sadly, not everyone gets it right. This page proves my point, with major faux pas including a matzo ball with bacon wrapped around it. I like bacon as much as the next gentile (non-Jew), but there is a time and a place for bacon - wrapped around a matzo ball is neither. Bacon isn't even kosher during the rest of the year. But if you click here, then you will find 31 desserts which are fine for consumption during Passover. But please, if you're going to have Jews over, especially during Passover, make sure you've read up on the kosher rules, and prepare the food so that it conforms with said rules. If you won't do it for your guests, or for me, or for yourself, then at least have the decency to do it for my niece (pictured).



Do YOU want this cute little bear growing up in a world where Jews unknowingly eat food that isn't kosher?

Crows no longer hanginaround in New Zealand

American band Counting Crows have cancelled all of their New Zealand shows after pulling the plug on their Wellington gig at the last minute. The band was scheduled to play the Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington on Saturday night, but postponed until yesterday due to illness. Fans were let into the venue and watched the opening act last night before a band member announced, almost an hour later, that the show was cancelled. This is a huge disappointment to all of the Crows' fans, and anyone who saw this huge letdown should get their money back, just like those who went to see Justin Bieber when he was two hours late to a show in London earlier this month.

Big mall with little use

After a slow start, Apple's iPhone has jumped to India's second largest smartphone supplier by pushing phones to Mom-and-Pop shops in the world's fastest growing smartphone market. Although Apple is still catching up to other smartphone makers like Samsung, analysts say Apple is finally taking India seriously. But not being taken seriously is a huge mall in China. New South China Mall in Guangdong Province opened in 2005. With 5 million square feet of shopping area, the mall can accommodate 2,350 stores, making it the largest shopping center in the world in terms of leasable space - more than twice the size of Mall of America, the biggest shopping center in the United States. At the outdoor plaza, hundreds of palm-trees blend with a replica Arc de Triomphe, a giant Egyptian sphinx, fountains, and long-stretching canals with gondolas. Only problem is, the mall is virtually deserted. Despite the bombastic design and grand plans, only a handful of stores are occupied. Walking among shattered shops - its dusty corridors and escalators covered in soiled sheets - is a walk through a ghost mall. Rubbish piles up along the sides, paint is coming off the walls, and store signs and advertisements have faded. So basically, they built it, but the shoppers didn't come. This was obviously a huge waste of money, and it should be torn down so the land could be turned over to a more profitable use. Or they could actually start attracting shops and shoppers so that the mall has a use.

Since when did incivility equal productivity?

Women who face rude and disrespectful behaviour in the workplace tolerate it and react by working harder. This has been found as part of research done by Edith Cowan University and the University of New England. ECU school of psychology and social science senior lecturer Dr Jennifer Loh said while women often had to deal with more negative behaviour than men, men reacted by withdrawing. Men who are treated rudely tended to react by taking longer breaks away from work and taking spurious sick days. But Loh, an organisational psychologist, said one possible reason for women's reaction to incivility in the workplace was the importance women tended to place on a good personal and social relationship with colleagues. "Therefore, when they are faced with incivility in the workplace - and this would generally be over work issues - women are more likely to attempt to work harder with the aim to improve their work relationships," she said. But don't take this as a licence to harass female coworkers in the hope that they will be more productive. It's still not nice to endure, so don't even bother because your job could be on the line. In other news, Nelson Peltz, one of America's best-known corporate raiders, could push for a US$170 billion merger of PepsiCo and Cadbury-owner Mondelez - formerly known as Kraft Foods - after secretly buying major stakes in the two consumer giants.

A billion users can't be wrong

YouTube, the video sharing site owned by Google, has announced it has passed one billion regular users. Announcing the milestone on its blog, the site said a recent growth in smartphones had helped boost the numbers visiting the site every month. I can think of one more reason: Gangnam Style. Eight months in, PSY's horse dance is still getting views. It has almost 1.5 billion views and is the real reason for YouTube's recent success. Harlem Shake and Justin Bieber don't stand a chance against this piece of YouTube history, so all you haters click here and help a real hero gallop further up the ladder of success.

Inferior system creeps into video game market

Julie Uhrman needed $950,000 from Kickstarter in less than a month to make her dream of an affordable, free-to-play gaming console a reality. She got it in eight hours - and nearly $8 million more after that. "It was the opposite of Field of Dreams," said Uhrman, a gaming-industry veteran and former vice president at IGN. "It was, if you come, we will build this." And so was born Ouya (pronounced OOO-yuh), a US$99 console that's shaped like and is just a hair bigger than a Rubik's Cube. It runs on Google's Android operating system and requires developers to offer a version of their games for free. A trial period is a tempting offer, but not if the console runs Android. If Apple makes one, then I might be on board for that. Androids suck.

Bring back Harlem Shaker? Not likely!

Students at an Oxford college have called for the reinstatement of a librarian who they say was sacked after the filming of a Harlem Shake video. About 30 students took part in a version of the internet dance craze in St Hilda's College library. It has had more than 5,000 views on YouTube. St Hilda's Junior Common Room (JCR) president Esther Gosling said the librarian had been sacked and up to five students fined between £30 and £60 after the video was posted online in February. The librarian deserved to be fired, as did 15 miners in Australia who were fired earlier this month after performing a version of the Harlem Shake underground and posting a video of it online. The Harlem Shake is just rubbish, maybe except for a really good one right here. Harlem Shakes will never beat Gangnam Style's famous horse dance. In other news, 20-year-old Greek footballer Giorgos Katidis has been banned for life from playing for his national team after a controversial goal celebration in which he appeared to give a Nazi salute. On Saturday, he gestured with his right arm extended and hand straightened, to celebrate scoring the winning goal for his team AEK Athens in a Super League game at the Olympic Stadium in Athens. He says he hadn't understood the meaning of the gesture - but is it possible, in 2013, for a European to be so poorly informed? Yes. Is it really possible for young people in Europe today not to know the meaning of such gestures? I believe so. Katidis is a young kid who does not have any political ideas. He most likely saw such a salute on the internet or somewhere else, and did it without knowing what it means. I am 100% sure that Giorgos did not know what he did. Nevertheless, the country's football federation said the midfielder's gesture insulted all victims of the Nazis and banned him from playing for the Greek national team for life.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Sinkholes

Sinkholes are the worst. 36-year-old Florida man Jeffrey Bush is presumed dead after a sinkhole swallowed his bedroom near Tampa this month. And last week, an Illinois man survived an 18ft (5.4m) fall inside a sinkhole while he was golfing. Mark Mihal was investigating an unusual depression when the earth gave way on the 14th hole of the fairway in Waterloo, Illinois. Friends managed to bring the mortgage broker to safety with a rope, and he escaped with only a sore shoulder. Mr Mihal said he felt lucky to survive the "absolutely crazy" accident, but watch out because you just never know - you may well be reading this while on unstable ground. It could only be a matter of seconds before the ground falls out right from under you.

It started with Parker and Fanning

To some, they were pioneers of a revolution. To others, the owners of music file-sharing service Napster were no better than online terrorists, hijacking one of the biggest industries in the world by offering music to fans for free. Now the story of Napster, told from both sides of the debate, has been made into a documentary by director Alex Winter - famous for being one half of movie duo, Bill and Ted. The film, called Downloaded, had its world premiere at the SXSW music and film festival in Texas this week. It was attended by the entrepreneurs who started Napster - 34-year-old Sean Parker, who went on to co-finance the brands Facebook and Spotify, and 32-year-old Shawn Fanning, who is also a Silicon Valley investor. The film documents how the pair became friends as teenagers in an internet chatroom, and discovered a shared love of music, as well as a talent for emerging online technology. I'm sure it will be worth the ticket price if and/or when it gets released. Also up for release is the soul of jazz band leader Terry Lightfoot, who has died at the age of 77 after a battle with prostate cancer. Lightfoot, who was born in Potters Bar but settled in Olney in Buckinghamshire, had been touring for most of the time from the 1950s up until last year. In that time, he had played alongside greats such as Louis Armstrong and Lonnie Donegan. His death comes less than two weeks after that of trumpeter Kenny Ball, who started his career playing in the Terry Lightfoot's Jazzmen band. In other news, the first woman mayor of Peru's capital Lima, Susana Villaran, has narrowly survived a recall vote to depose her from office.

Royals royally defeated

Manchester United have achieved a most commanding position yet this season by edging 15 points clear of Manchester City at the top of the Barclays Premier League in what may prove to be a telling weekend in the title race. The Reds’ 1-0 win against Reading this morning at Old Trafford provided little drama – precisely what Sir Alex would have wanted – and although the precarious winning margin never truly offered a feeling of comfort for United, Wayne Rooney’s goal shows that Sir Alex’s men can win ugly as a means to an end. No other goals were scored, but two Reading players got yellow-carded.

Big Oil? More like Pig Oil!

BP has launched its promised appeal against what it calls "fictitious" and "absurd" payouts to some oil spill compensation claimants and asked a judge to temporarily halt those paid out as business economic losses. In a filing in a federal court in New Orleans, BP said it could be "irreparably harmed" by the payouts without relief from the court, because they could cost it billions more than it had budgeted for when it agreed to a settlement in April of last year. Serves those corporate pigs right. As far as I'm concerned, those bellends have no case. There is nothing fictitious or absurd about the damage suffered as a result of Deepwater Horizon. BP should be made to pay for what they did to the Gulf, and if they go bankrupt, it's their loss. The Pottery Barn rule applies here - you break it, you buy it.

ELEVEN HUNDRED POSTS TODAY!

The search for a new pope has gone south, but not in the figurative sense because a cardinal from Argentina was elected pope this week. That's right, Jorge Mario Bergoglio now has a new name: he is now known as Francis in honour of Saint Francis of Assisi. He is the first Jesuit pope, the first from the Americas, and the first from the Southern Hemisphere. Francis is the first pope of Italian descent since John Paul I, who was pope for a brief period in 1978, but he is also the first pope born outside Europe in 1,272 years, since Syrian-born St. Gregory III. Speaking of Syria, it has now been two years since their civil war began, and still no sign of Bashar al-Assad's ouster. But the rebels have captured the city of ar-Raqqah.

It's Pi Day today!

Today is also the Sikh New Year. Now onto today's topic: a disabled 13-year-old girl is recovering after being pushed from a moving school bus in New York City. The incident happened on the 8th in Brooklyn. It is reported that a boy tossed the girl out the back door of the bus and into oncoming traffic. The girl, who rides a city school bus to a private school for disabled students known as the Brooklyn Children's Center, suffered a broken collarbone and was taken by ambulance to a hospital. And that, my friends, is why one should never push anyone out of a moving vehicle. It's not just a dumb idea but it could cause serious injury. For instance, that girl could've died if she got struck by a car.

Baby down to no AIDS

Final Yogi Award for 2013 goes to Dr. Hannah Gay, who was smarter than the average doctor in that she cured an HIV-infected baby. Gay and her colleagues Dr. Katherine Luzuriaga of the University of Massachusetts and Dr. Deborah Persaud of Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore reported on the child's case at a medical meeting in Atlanta on the 3rd. "The breakthrough has been exciting and I'm very hopeful that that's going to lead to future research that will give us some answers," said Gay, who likes to spend time designing needle points, singing in her church choir, and reading theology or medical literature when she's not working 12-hour days treating patients. Just as exciting as said breakthrough is this slide situated in Google's offices in Zurich in Switzerland:

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Harlem Shake

We've officially made it to three years. And in those three years, I haven't seen anything as stupid and uncool as the Harlem Shake. This is when one person in the room starts dancing like a bellend while everyone else is going about their business. Cut to a few seconds later, and everybody in the room is dancing like total bellends. I don't see how this tripe stands a chance at outdoing Gangnam Style. But if you think the Harlem Shake is any good, there's a lot of it here. But now that that's out of the way, we have another Yogi Award to present. It goes to Jerry Brown, who was smarter than the average state governor in that he signed a law back in September banning licensed mental health providers treating teenagers and children from attempting "to change behaviors or gender expressions, or to eliminate or reduce sexual or romantic attractions or feelings toward individuals of the same sex". By taking such a big step, Governor Brown has sent a powerful message of affirmation and support to LGBT youth and their families. This law will ensure that a) LGBT youth will now be protected from a practice that has not only been debunked as junk science, but has been proven to have drastically negative effects on their well-being, and b) state-licensed therapists can no longer abuse their power to harm LGBT youth and propagate the dangerous and deadly lie that sexual orientation is an illness or disorder that can be "cured". Now it's the other states' turn to ban conversion therapy.

Strips Ahoy!

Tomorrow, it will have been three years since we started disseminating the truth. Today, however, we kick off the Yogi Award ceremony. For those of you new to the ceremony and its ways, we give three of these out in March of every year, and all recipients have to have been smarter than the average whatever over the previous year. First award for 2013 goes to Judy Viger, who was smarter than the average mother for hiring strippers for her son's 16th birthday party late last year. The complaining parents found out that the strippers had been at the November 3 bowling party through photos posted on Facebook. OK so she broke the law, but at least we know she knows what men want. I am not a prude, so I too would have no qualms about hiring strippers for a 16th birthday party. In fact, I would be more than happy to hire strippers who were the same sex as the birthday child if that was what they were into. But I would've kept the stripper part away from the bowling alley.

Best restaurant in Denmark... FOR FOOD POISONING!

63 people had food poisoning at a Danish restaurant dubbed the world's best eatery, it has emerged. Health officials said diners at Copenhagen's Noma restaurant, which opened in 2004 and topped Restaurant Magazine's list of the world's 50 Best Restaurants in 2010-12, fell sick over a five-day period in February, suffering from vomiting and diarrhoea. It was not clear what caused the outbreak, but reports say the source may have been a sick kitchen employee. The restaurant has apologised, but I won't be eating there any time soon, and it's not just because of the food poisoning. It's also because of the price (Noma charges up to 1,500 kroner for a menu without drinks) and because Europe's too far away. Also too far away, football's world governing body Fifa has written to the Nigerian Football Association over claims lesbians are now banned from playing football there. Dilichukwu Onyedinma, chair of the Nigeria Women Football League (NWFL), was quoted as making the statement. "Any player associated with it will be disqualified," she is quoted as saying. While contravening Fifa's anti-discrimination policies, the situation is made more complicated because homosexuality is illegal in Nigeria. Currently, a Same-Sex Marriage (Prohibition) Bill that specifically outlaws same-sex unions is awaiting a signature from president Goodluck Jonathan to go in to law. He'd better not sign that, because if he does, gatherings of homosexuals or any other support for gay clubs, organisations, or unions - whether in secret or in public - will be banned, with same-sex couples facing up to 14 years in prison. And speaking of prison, an Ohio man who was exonerated after spending 13 years in prison for murder cried as a federal jury found that two Cleveland police detectives violated his civil rights by coercing and falsifying testimony and withholding evidence that pointed to his innocence. The jury's verdict on Friday, which included awarding US$13.2 million to David Ayers of Cleveland for his pain and suffering, brings an end to the legal battle he's been fighting since his arrest in the 1999 killing of 76-year-old Dorothy Brown.

All Bibles should have this warning

All stabbed, jolted, and smoked up

A British teenager has been knifed to death on a crowded bus in an apparently random attack as she made her way to school. The teenager, 16-year-old Christina Edkins, was killed shortly after she boarded the double decker during the morning rush hour. Police launched a massive manhunt for a fellow passenger who fled the scene after her murder, which came a month after Christina voiced concerns about a fellow passenger on another bus journey, and later arrested a 22-year-old man after an extensive search involving police dogs and firearms officers. If that wasn't a big enough jolt for you, here's another: three Auckland gyms have opened their doors for business this morning despite an order by the High Court to stop trading. Justice Winkelmann yesterday issued an interim injunction against Jolt Fitness, requiring the owners to close down its gyms at Westgate, Three Kings, and Botany. Her decision came after Stuart Holder, who owned three Club Physical gym franchises, suddenly rebranded the clubs as "Jolt Fitness" without warning on February 8. Club Physical owner Paul Richards applied to the High Court for an injunction to stop Jolt Fitness from operating, claiming Holder had breached franchise agreements. But Jolt Fitness has today confirmed it will be lodging an appeal against Justice Winkelmann's decision. "The appeal will include an urgent application for a stay of the Order to close the three Jolt Fitness clubs. Jolt Fitness has requested that this application be dealt with by the High Court today. Until such time as this application is heard, the three Jolt Fitness clubs at Westgate, Botany Downs, and Three Kings will remain open for business." Holder last night said he was "incredibly surprised and disappointed" by Justice Winkelmann's ruling. I would be too, but contempt of court is not the best way to play when life deals you a bad hand. And speaking of hands, if second-hand smoke wasn’t bad enough, now you have to worry about third-hand smoke - the lingering traces left behind in the objects long after the smoker has left the area. That’s the report from a late February conference at the University of California-Riverside, where professor Manuela Martins-Green and colleagues presented evidence that trace amounts of leftover smoke can actually affect wound healing and other bodily functions. So what exactly is third-hand smoke? Lowell Dale, a doctor for the Mayo Clinic, explained that it’s the stubborn, hard-to-remove residue that gets left behind on surfaces (especially indoor surfaces) to create a toxic chemical mishmash that clings to “hair, skin, clothes, furniture, drapes, walls, bedding, carpets, dust, vehicles, and other surfaces, even long after smoking has stopped.” So think before you light up. Your actions now will continue to have effect long after the actions themselves.

Gorbachev doesn't want to put in

Former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev has denounced new laws passed in Russia as an "attack on citizens' rights". In an interview with the BBC, he called on President Vladimir Putin "not to be afraid of his own people". Mr Gorbachev also criticised Mr Putin's inner circle, saying it was full of "thieves and corrupt officials". The laws passed by Putin include fines for organising unsanctioned protests, stiffer libel penalties, a wider definition of treason, and restrictions on websites. But enough about that because in what tech giant Apple is calling a “major leap forward” for one of its most beloved products, the company announced recently that it would begin selling a new version of its popular iPad tablet with an extra attached storage drawer. “Featuring a stunning 9.7-inch Retina display, super-fast wireless performance, and a 5-inch-deep pull-out drawer, the iPad 4D is our most high-performance model to date,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said in a press release, adding that the sleek new drawer has a stainless-steel handle and comes in either white or black. “With slick ball-bearing slides and an ultra-light frame, the 4D can easily carry photographs, pens, calculators, legal pads, iPhones, and other personal belongings. Life just got a whole lot better, iPad users.” So next time you decide to get a tablet, get the one with the drawer. You'll thank me later.

Chavez six feet down, Bieber lets fans down

And also going down today, New Zealand taxpayers who dodged the top personal tax rate by paying themselves artificially low salaries have until the end of this month to confess. The Inland Revenue Department (IRD) issued a warning today that its concession to make a voluntary disclosure - granted after the outcome of the Penny and Hooper case in 2011 - would soon run out. "There is still time for people who are in a similar situation to Penny and Hooper and have used a similar company or trust structure to artificially lower their incomes to discuss their arrangements with Inland Revenue," said group tax counsel Graham Tubb. So if you're one of those bellends who have dodged huge amounts of tax in a similar way, you should listen to him and pay what you owe. In other news, a Mila Kunis interview carried out by BBC Radio 1's Chris Stark has become an internet hit. The actress was supposed to be promoting her new film Oz: The Great and Powerful (which also stars James Franco, Rachel Weisz, and Michelle Williams) when she and an initially-nervous Stark begin to go off-topic. Kunis and Stark soon talk about Jägerbombs, Watford football club, pies, and Nando's. To see the interview, click here and hope that it at least has a chance to outdo Gangnam Style.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: America's Got Talent

And that's because it sucks. Those shows are just proof that the country in question hasn't got talent. There's even a Canada's Got Talent, but if you listen to the likes of Justin Bieber or Celine Dion, you will realise that Canada hasn't got talent. But the American version could be worth watching this summer, because supermodel and television host Heidi Klum said yesterday that she will be a new judge on the popular TV talent show. Klum will be the fourth judge on the talent show created by British entertainment mogul Simon Cowell. She joins comedian Howie Mandel, radio "shock jock" Howard Stern, and former Spice Girl Mel B on the show hosted by Nick Cannon. "Excited 2 join @HowardStern @howiemandel @OfficialMelB & @NickCannon on @nbcagt as new judge! Will be so fun," Klum tweeted. But I still won't be watching that rubbish. There's better things I can do with my time.

Angry Norris Style!

Who wants to see Angry Birds, Chuck Norris, and Gangnam Style at the same time? Click here and enjoy the show.

Historic hat-trick paves way to three points

A historic day materialised at Old Trafford this morning as Shinji Kagawa scored a splendid hat-trick as Manchester United defeated Norwich City 4-0 to move 15 points clear at the top of the Barclays Premier League table. That's right, Kagawa has become the first Asian to score a hat-trick in the Premier League. The other Man United goal was scored by Wayne Rooney, and four Norwich City players received yellow cards.

Pope trapped in the closet?

A prominent Catholic and gay blogger has renewed speculation that the outgoing Pope Benedict may be secretly gay. Following an announcement that Benedict will not go into hidden retirement but will instead continue living in the Vatican with trusted secretary Archbishop Georg Gänswein, The Dish's Andrew Sullivan penned a post titled, "Two Popes, One Secretary," in which he speculates "something truly weird going on." So what if the pope bats for the other team? It's about time some real change occurred in the Catholic Church. And they could bring on some more by replacing Benny with someone who isn't from Europe. But it's also been a whirlwind few days for Jennifer Lawrence, who just last Sunday won an Oscar, went brunette on Monday, and by Wednesday was in Hawaii shooting the blockbuster sequel "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire." It's no wonder then that the star had to unwind a bit, and the way she chose to do it is not atypical for 22-year-olds: Lawrence was spotted on her hotel balcony drinking wine with a friend and smoking a suspicious-looking cigarette. "Hunger Games" co-star Josh Hutcherson, who plays Peeta Mellark, was also seen taking a puff from a rolled-up cig.

Whisky down the drain-o!

Thousands of litres of whisky have been flushed down the drain by accident at a bottling plant in Dumbarton. It is understood the mix-up happened at Chivas Brothers during the night shift on Tuesday while equipment was being cleaned. Instead of draining away waste water, the workers on duty somehow flushed out thousands of litres of bulk whisky. But enough about that because another loss of spirits has occurred: Anastacia has been forced to cancel her European tour after being diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. The 44-year-old singer made a full recovery in 2003 after being treated with surgery and radiotherapy. But because the cancer's back, all tickets for the tour, due to start on 6 April in London, will be refunded. Spirits are also low for German copyright infringer Kim Dotcom, because U.S. prosecutors won a New Zealand court victory today in their battle to extradite the Megaupload founder and three colleagues (Finn Batato, Mathias Ortmann, and Bram van der Kolk) accused of facilitating massive copyright fraud through the now-defunct online file-sharing site. But there is a way Kim and his colleagues can escape extradition: go to a foreign embassy and hope for asylum. It worked for Julian Assange.