WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Human error

They say that to err is human. But human error has been cited as a cause or contributing factor in disasters and accidents in industries as diverse as nuclear power, aviation, space exploration, and medicine. Another example: when I went to see Beautiful Lies in the weekend, the projectionist had threaded One Day (which was apparently scheduled for the same auditorium later that day) into the projector instead, and yes I did alert the cinema staff to the mistake as soon as the title was revealed to be the wrong one even though it was already looking a bit suspect when Anne Hathaway’s name was featured in the opening credits. This is why cinemas should have a message during the advertising loop for a particular film saying something along the lines of “Thank you for choosing [cinema name]. In a few minutes, we will be playing [movie name]. If this is not the movie that you have come to see, please inform cinema staff as soon as possible.”

And because today is also the last day of the month, we will also reveal that the Bellend of the Month for October 2011 is Freemon Everett Seay. What began as an attempt to discipline his child turned into a sordid case of abuse when police say the Washington man forced his 16-year-old daughter to don Renaissance armour and engage in a wooden sword battle for two hours. He was punishing his daughter for a recent attempt to run away from home, but the Renaissance fair enthusiast has since been arrested for the October 16 beating, and rightly so because he apparently started by beating the girl with a willow switch before donning armour and forcing her into a two-hour battle between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. local time. When the girl was reportedly no longer able to stand on her own, he relented. But what that bellend didn’t count on was that his daughter quickly took action, texting pictures of her bruises and injuries to friends, who promptly alerted the authorities. The daughter did the right thing in taking him down with the power of her cellular phone (yes, we have come quite a long way since the real Renaissance), and that evil maggot will hopefully rot in prison unless, of course, human error gets in the way.

Yay Chicharito, yay Chicharito, he won the game for Man U!

After their embarrassing defeat at Old Trafford last week, Man United beat Everton 1-0 at Goodison Park today. The goal was scored by Javier Hernandez, and three Everton players were yellow-carded.

Freedom isn't free

Protesters angered by a local outcome in Tunisia’s first free election burned a central government building yesterday in the impoverished town of Sidi Bouzid, which was where Mohamed Bouazizi, a fruit vendor, set himself on fire in protest against a lack of opportunity and the heavy handedness of the local police, touching off a wave of demonstrations that toppled Ben Ali and inspired the regional revolutions and unrest that became known as the Arab Spring. The violence appeared to be set off by a local election issue, rather than displeasure at the broader results of the national vote. Supporters of Hachmi Hamdi, a former member of the ousted government, saw their votes nullified after his party, the Popular List, was removed from the ballot over accusations of campaign finance violations. I bet this spasm of violence is nothing but a front for Tunisians who are still loyal to Ben Ali. Ben Ali was the wrong leader for Tunisia and we should all support the Tunisian people in their quest for the right leader. Tunisia’s moderate Islamist party Ennahda, banned for decades, has emerged the official victor in the landmark elections, taking 41.47 percent of the vote and 90 of 217 seats in an assembly that will write a new constitution.

One teenager's virginity going once, going twice...

A Utah woman accused of trying to sell her 13-year-old daughter's virginity has pleaded guilty to two sexual exploitation charges for having the girl model in her underwear for men. The 33-year-old woman had also faced two first-degree felony counts of aggravated sex abuse of a child - and up to life in prison - but prosecutors agreed to drop those charges in exchange for her plea. She now faces up to 30 years in prison at sentencing on December 5, and it serves her right. Nobody should be doing that sort of rubbish to their children, and she is a complete bellend for thinking she can get US$10,000 for selling her daughter's virginity like that. If it was the money that caused this carry-on, that nutjob could've sold her own virginity, but no, she just had to bring her minor daughter into the equation, and at her sentencing hearing, she will pay dearly for such a stupid mistake.

The veil shall fail

Yemeni women defiantly burned their traditional veils yesterday in protest of President Ali Abdullah Saleh's brutal crackdown on anti-government demonstrations. Thousands of women gathered in the capital, Sanaa, said witnesses. They carried banners that read: "Saleh the butcher is killing women and is proud of it" and "Women have no value in the eyes of Ali Saleh." They collected their veils and scarves in a huge pile and set it on fire - an act that is highly symbolic in the conservative Islamic nation, where women use their veils to cover their faces and bodies. It's the first time in the nine months since Yemen's uprising began that such an event has occurred, and if Saleh's reign of terror continues, it won't be the last. Tribes must understand they will not be respected by Yemeni women if they stay quiet while their women are being attacked by the Saleh regime. Tribes who ignore womens' calls are cowards and have no dignity. I won't be surprised if this starts happening in Saudi Arabia.

All warts must go!

A federal advisory committee recommended today that 11- and 12-year-old boys routinely receive a vaccine that girls the same age have been given over the past five years to stop a sexually transmitted virus - a move that could help increase acceptance of the human papillomavirus shot. Boston-area physicians say the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices’ recommendation, which is likely to be adopted by the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, will make them more willing to urge parents to seek the vaccine for their sons. Until now, doctors could give the vaccine to preteen boys, but without the official blessing of the nation’s leading disease prevention agency. It's amazing how far vaccinations have come since Edward Jenner came up with a cure for smallpox, which has now been eradicated. And they'd better start mass vaccinations soon because about 20 million Americans are infected with the human papillomavirus, known commonly as HPV. HPV has been associated with genital warts and a variety of cancers, including cervical, anal, penile, and an increasing incidence of throat cancer. An estimated 7,000 men develop HPV-related cancers every year, and now, the epidemic can finally be stemmed.

It only happens once in a blue moon

It had been billed as the biggest Manchester derby in decades, but it turned out to be a derby day to forget for United as City celebrated a historic 6-1 victory yesterday morning (NZ time) at Old Trafford. Man U's goal was scored by Darren Fletcher, and Man City's goals were apportioned as follows: two by Mario Balotelli, one by Sergio Aguero, two by Edin Dzeko, and one by David Silva. As if things couldn't get any worse for the Reds; in addition to two players from each team receiving yellow cards, Man U had to play most of the second half with ten men after Jonny Evans was at the centre of the game’s big moment two minutes after the restart when he got red-carded for pulling Balotelli back as the Italian striker bore down on goal.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Freeloading

The dishonour this week goes to those who freeload, and more importantly, to those who encourage it. According to Wiktionary, a freeloader is one who does not contribute or pay appropriately; one who gets a free ride, etc., without paying his or her fair share. In 2008, I went to Melbourne for a week and the trams there did not have anybody manning the ticket machines to make sure the passengers paid. And yes, I did pay for my tram rides. Also, one cinema in my hometown seems to be encouraging freeloaders on one of the sites that it posts its session times on. This page has not just the movie times but also tells you which auditorium each session is in. This information, which is not normally released until you buy your ticket(s), might be useful to somebody who is planning to sneak in for free, especially considering that this particular location rarely conducts ticket checks (except during film festivals), and (even though it's not related to the main topic) there is no legroom there unless you sit all the way up the front and tilt your head up so you can see the screen. And there is also an example of somebody who is helping freeloaders avoid the consequences of their dishonesty: one website based in Sweden encourages fare-dodging on public transport mainly in the cities of Stockholm and Goteborg by selling an insurance policy where, if you get fined for not paying the fare, they will pay your fine. The concept of you doing the crime and somebody else doing the time is just like that rubbish about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. So don't be some stupid freeloading piece of scum.

Bad Siri! That's a bad Siri!

Macworld has reported that the voice-activated feature on the new iPhone 4S will let anyone use the phone to send e-mails and text messages and make calls even if it's passcode locked.

Try it. Grab a friend's locked iPhone 4S, press the button and ask Siri to do something. Apparently, you can send a text message, make a call, and send an e-mail, all without knowing their passcode. It is also reported that one can still get an address and a phone number out of the phone, and even see the calendar. But there's a solution: in the Passcode Lock settings, switch Siri to "Off". This lets you continue to use the feature once your iPhone is unlocked, but keeps users from accessing these features when security is enabled. However much of a security risk this may be, the app assists in "handsfree" technology. Many users have password locks on their phones, so what good is the handsfree technology when you have to look at the phone and enter a password? Reading texts, making phone calls, and asking Siri questions would not work as smoothly if you constantly had to look at your phone and enter a password every time you want to use it. But if you don't need to use Siri at the moment, then you should disable it until you do need it.

Ben Ali fled, Mubarak is in jail, Gaddafi is killed, Assad … ?

Syrian protesters poured onto the streets yesterday, vowing that President Bashar al-Assad's regime will be the next to unravel after the death of the ousted Libyan dictator Muammar al-Gaddafi. Activists said around 14 protesters were killed when security forces opened fire. Although mass demonstrations have shaken one of the most authoritarian regimes in the Middle East, the Syrian opposition has made no major gains in recent months. It holds no territory and has no clear leadership. This has gone too far and if war is needed, then so be it. Nobody needs scumbags like Assad trying to bring their people down, and he should just step down before anyone else gets hurt.

Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava nagila ve-nismeḥa...

Former Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi has been killed after heavy fighting in his home town of Sirte. Libyan television announced today that Gaddafi was killed by revolutionary forces in Sirte following weeks of brutal fighting. The Libyan Prime minister said the colonel was captured unharmed by National Transitional Council forces but was shot in the head during crossfire with Gaddafi loyalists, and died soon after. Too bad the same thing hasn't yet happened to Justin Bieber or Bashar al-Assad or Kim Jong-il or Alexander Lukashenko.

Time to admit de-feet

Sometimes when you buy a pair of shoes, one of them can feel snug while the other one does not quite fit. Tom Boddingham (pictured inside his slipper/bed) certainly knows the feeling. When the 27-year-old Briton ordered a special monster-design slipper to fit his oversized left foot, he was sent the size 1,450 one pictured above because the Chinese manufacturers failed to spot the decimal point between the 4 and the 5. The slipper was sent directly from Hong Kong and measures 210 x 130 x 65cm, which is big enough for his 6ft 7in (just over 2m tall) frame to sleep in. He wants to sell the monster-sized slipper, which a spokesman for the factory said they thought was for a shop window display, on eBay but I think he should use it as a bed instead. When I move out of my dad's house (yes, I do still live with one of my parents, but just one of them because they have been divorced since 2003), one of those giant slippers will be my next bed.

Lions, tigers, bears, and wolves, oh my!

Dozens of animals, including lions, tigers, bears, and wolves, were on the loose in Zainesville, Ohio today after apparently being released from an exotic farm. Police and wildlife officials scrambled to hunt down the animals, shooting 25 of them, and ordering local residents to stay indoors and cordoning off the area around the farm, where the owner, who had been released from federal prison three weeks earlier after serving a one-year term on firearms charges, was found dead near several open cages. It's a good thing the cops acted fast before anyone else died because it would've been a huge disaster had the wild animals eaten everyone else in the area. Also, people need to keep their animals locked up where they can't hurt anyone. Had their owner not been killed, he would be back in prison for letting the stampede happen.

Time to abort this bill

By a 251-172 margin, the US House of Representatives has passed the Respect Life Act, which would remove the possibility of abortion funding from healthcare legislation approved last year and would also apply conscience-protection provisions to the legislation. The measure faces a presidential veto in the unlikely event that it should pass in the Senate, and rightly so because the proposed legislation is designed to crap on women’s reproductive freedom and access to health care, and unnecessarily restrict the private insurance choices that women and their families have today. This anti-choice legislation is just rubbish but at least 251 (only 57.7% of the House) isn't a big enough margin to override a presidential veto should it come to that.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The Arab League

Gulf countries seeking to suspend Syria’s membership to the Arab League over its bloody crackdown on protesters failed to gain enough support yesterday to push the measure through, reflecting deep divisions among the body’s 22 nations. This is beyond stupid and international bodies shouldn't be letting such crimes against humanity continue. Syria should be suspended from the Arab League, and so should Egypt if the military council doesn't pull their weight. The European Union is moving to widen its sanctions against Syria as a result of Bashar, and so should America. Bashar al-Assad is the skidmark on the underpants of Syrian society, and I hope he buckles under the weight of the sanctions and eventually steps down.

And it's a draw!

Man United drew their game against Liverpool at Anfield this morning. The score was 1-1, with Liverpool's goal scored by Steven Gerrard and Man U's score courtesy of Javier Hernandez. Four players were booked over the course of the match.

Knife games turn sour

Two boys and a girl - all aged 14 - have been charged with attempting to hold up a young woman at knifepoint on the Gold Coast. The trio bailed up the 22-year-old woman after she got off a bus at Main Beach about 9pm (local time) last night. Closer to home, an 11-year-old girl was expelled from Whangaparaoa College after she pulled a knife on another girl. The knife wasn't used but it was not just threatened in a minor way, it was pointed and she threatened, 'I will use this on you'. This sort of carry-on is why kids shouldn't be playing around with knives. It could've been a whole lot worse had either knife actually been used on its intended victim.

Like character, like actor

Harry Potter actor Jamie Waylett has been arrested and charged with possession of a homemade bomb. Police believe Waylett, who played bully Vincent Crabbe in five films of the Harry Potter movie series, intended to use a Molotov cocktail while allegedly looting champagne during the London riots on August 8. Police also claim they found 15 marijuana plants in Waylett's home. It's just predictable that an actor would turn out to be just like a character they once played, and I hope a suitable punishment is meted out. In other news, the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 has been banned in Australia.

Is wife-beating back in fashion?

In Topeka, Kansas, protestors hit the streets after the city decriminalised misdemeanor spousal abuse. The move angered victim’s rights advocates in Colorado and now the advocates are learning about proposed changes to Colorado’s domestic violence laws. Colorado is one of 23 states requiring police to arrest all domestic violence offenders when someone calls 911, and they should just keep it that way. An act can look like a minor incident but domestic violence is a pattern. On average, the survivors that the Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence in Boulder work with have been assaulted 16 times or more before law enforcement is ever involved. In other news, peanut butter (NOT penis butter) lovers could be in for a shock because consumer experts say the price of a jar of peanut butter could soar by 30-percent as soon as the end of this month because of recent dry weather in Georgia and other states which produce peanuts.

Myanmar, let your people go!

Myanmar has begun the release of what it said will eventually be more than 6,300 prisoners under a mass amnesty. According to a rights group, there were just 70 political prisoners among the inmates freed by noon local time (6:30pm NZDT). One of the prisoners is a major-general who had 99 years to go on a 105-year sentence for sedition, but they can do better than just 70 prisoners of conscience. Myanmar's mass amnesty is one in a series of recent moves that could help the isolated nation normalize relations with Western nations including the United States but to me, it's probably just a ruse. Since the coup in 1962, the nation has been going downhill. In 1970, Ne Win switched traffic on Myanmar's roads to the right-hand side apparently on the advice of a wizard, a consequence of this being that the only border with Thailand where you don't have to change the side of the road you're on is a short border with Malaysia. And let's not forget the mass demonetisations of money during the late 1980s or all the weird denominations of currency (notes worth 35, 45, 75, and 90 kyat will be familiar to some) that were introduced under Ne Win. The economic disturbances that resulted from all this caused serious rioting and another coup. It's about time the place got its long-overdue Arab Spring cleaning.

OK, but who will be freed?

State-run media in Myanmar said today that 6,300 prisoners would be released in an amnesty and a new official human rights body urged the country’s president in an open letter to free what it called “prisoners of conscience,” a term for the political prisoners whose release has been a central demand of Western nations. The announcement in the official media did not mention prisoners of conscience, and general amnesties in the past have failed to include significant numbers of an estimated 2,100 political prisoners being held. News services, citing Myanmar state television and radio, said the releases would begin tomorrow. Given Myanmar's poor human rights record over the years, I bet they're only planning to release about 30 or 40 prisoners of conscience, with the balance being made up of common criminals. It's time Myanmar had an Arab Spring cleaning. In other news, a judge has ruled that former Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko, whose stupid "wraparound braid" hairstyle I mentioned in April last year, criminally exceeded her powers when she signed a gas deal with Russia in 2009.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Flame wars

There are certain topics everybody knows are going to start a fight - politics, religion, abortion, video game consoles - important things like that. But there's a lot of stuff not on the standard hot-button list that is guaranteed to stir a forum thread into a white-hot frenzy. Topics that you would think people could disagree on reasonably, like dog poop disposal or tipping, can somehow drive people to threaten physical violence. Here are a few:

*Declawing cats: I'm against the practice because claws are part of a cat's survival mechanism, but sometimes, a claw might need to be removed for medical reasons. Same for neutering.
*Tipping: I'm on the fence but in New Zealand, we don't usually tip.
*Does 0.999... = 1? It does as long as you've got a never-ending supply of nines.
*Circumcision: No way. Unless there's a religious or medical reason.
*Veganism: I won't judge your hippie ways but meat is just too tasty for me to stop eating.
*Dog poop: Responsible owners should pick up after their pets just as one would pick up after themselves.

Seriously, guys, can't we just get along?

We have another leader down... we think

Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh said yesterday he would step down in the next few days after months of protests against his 33-year rule that risked tipping the dirt-poor nation bordering Saudi Arabia into civil war and economic collapse. But opponents were sceptical of the wily political survivor who has backed out of a Gulf-brokered power transition plan three times this year, and they should be. Meanwhile, Bashar al-Assad isn't even close to stepping down. But Steve Jobs showed that if you put good Syrian genes (NOT Bashar al-Assad) together with a good education and value system, you can get an exceptional product. In fact, several exceptional products. It was Apple technology which helped the people overthrow autocratic regimes in Egypt, Tunisia, and Libya. The wrong Syrian died last week. It's quite a sick world we live in when Steve Jobs has to die of cancer and Bashar al-Assad remains Syria’s cancer.

The Bears are back in town

President Obama welcomed his hometown team to the White House a quarter-century after it won Super Bowl. The '85 Chicago Bears didn't get the traditional White House reception because of the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster that occurred two days after their Super Bowl victory. In other news, Governor of California Jerry Brown has terminated the sale of shark fins, despite protests from some Chinese American leaders who saw the move as an assault on Asian culture; vetoed a controversial bid to restrict how motorists pass bicyclists; and decided not to require microchip tracking of some dogs and cats. Among the 57 bills he approved were several intended to increase the safety of natural gas pipelines and one that requires that all ballot initiatives be decided in the November general elections, which typically draw greater numbers of liberal voters than June primaries.

Happy birthday to me, soon I'll be 23...

And Jonny Wilkinson and Toby Flood held a penalty shoot-out behind closed doors at Eden Park today to decide who will kick for England in the Rugby World Cup quarter-final against France. I think every team should decide on it's goal kickers that way and maybe the All Blacks should have a coin toss to decide which haka to perform before each game.

Syria's long overdue for a revolution

A group of military defectors known as the Free Syrian Army have said they plan to overthrow President Bashar al-Assad's murderous regime. The group is led by Riad al-Asaad, an air force colonel who recently fled to Turkey, and the group now has more than 10,000 members and he is calling on fellow soldiers to join him. They will soon discover that armed rebellion is the only way to break the Syrian regime, just like it was in Libya. I wish them the best, and I hope Bashar finally leaves. In other news, co-founder and former visionary CEO of Apple, Steve Jobs (who, coincidentally, is partially of Syrian descent), is dead. He was an asset to a great company and Tim Cook will never even be half the CEO that Jobs was. Please, God (if you exist), please let your next scalp be Justin Bieber. His music is just too painful to endure.

How do you like them Apples?

It's easy to point to yesterday's iPhone 4S unveiling as a ho-hum affair, that is, if you were expecting something more. And the truth is, most of the tech world was. Look no further than the slew of rumours that took on a life of their own in the extended wait between last year's model and this one. A bevy of silicon cases flying out of China sporting a dramatic new design derived from an allegedly leaked Foxconn prototype? Check. Gorgeous renderings of devices with a huge display, tapered design, and a change to the iPhone's iconic home button that's gone unchanged since the original? Check. And hey, how about two new iPhone models this year? Add that one to the pile too. What we've now got instead is the iPhone 4S, a phone that looks just like the iPhone 4 on the outside but with faster innards. And yes, people will be lining up to buy it because of the faster innards, especially as the new model is a "world phone"; this means the same model can be used on both GSM and CDMA networks (so no need for two different models). But they could also add a second SIM card tray or an SD card slot, or they could improve their Maps app to include a GPS navigation system like the ones you see in cars (I bet they've already come up with that - or not), or maybe even chuck in support for unofficial third-party apps so that iPhone owners won't need to jailbreak their devices.

Maybe China deserved it

China has stepped up its criticism of a proposed U.S. law that would punish countries with artificially low currencies, saying there would be negative repercussions for both countries if it is passed. Bollocks to that. China should be punished, not because of the greenback-renminbi exchange rate, the fact that not all traffic on PRC-controlled territory drives on the same side of the road (this is also true in the US, where the US Virgin Islands has traffic on the left), or even their alphabet with thousands of letters. They should instead be punished over their stupid claims about being the sole legitimate government over all of China. They are using their ill-gotten power to bring Taiwan down, e.g., Taiwan has to compete under the name Chinese Taipei in several international sporting competitions, and Taiwan's entrants in the Miss World and Miss Universe pageants have to enter as Miss Chinese Taipei instead of Miss Taiwan; and if somebody doesn't start giving that overpopulated commie wasteland a good Arab Spring cleaning, then the Communist Party will just keep acting like stupid douchebags.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The Egyptian military council

Egyptian riot police on Saturday cleared Cairo's Tahrir Square of protesters who had wanted to stage a sit-in following a demonstration demanding an end to emergency laws and a speedy transfer of power to civilians from military rulers. It's all well and good that Mubarak is no longer in power, but the protestors have three demands that the military council need to meet: an end to emergency law, an end to military trials of civilians, and the speeding up of trials of previous top officials. Also, about 60 political parties and groups, including the political wing of the Muslim Brotherhood, have threatened to boycott an upcoming parliamentary election and set a deadline of Sunday (which is also the date the All Blacks hopefully beat Argentina) for the military council to meet their demands. These include approving a law that would effectively prevent many of those who supported Mubarak while he was in power from running for office. And if the military council don't start doing their job, there could be a second revolution.

Canaries don't stand up to the heat

It may be October but this was a taxing work-out in the sweltering sunshine for the champions. That's right, I'm talking about Man United taking down Norwich City 2-0 this morning (NZ time) at Old Trafford. The goal-scorers were Anderson and Danny Welbeck, and one player was booked. Maybe if Dimitar Berbatov had some game time, the scoreline would be a lot higher.

Don't you Bahrain on my parade

The U.N. condemned Bahrain's brutal crackdown on anti-government protesters yesterday. Human rights groups say that since March, 34 people have been killed and more than 1,400 arrested. And now, Bahrain has put doctors on trial - just for treating injured protesters. This rubbish needs to stop because treating the sick and the injured is what a doctor is supposed to do. They should NOT be prosecuting doctors for doing their job, because if that happened on a regular basis, all the doctors would be too scared to help should King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa or some other high-ranking government official fall ill. And besides, even war has rules, for instance, you can't just leave an enemy soldier for dead on the battlefield. This is just wrong and the government should stop it before there are no more doctors left.