Hope you had a safe and happy 2011

But there's one more piece of business to take care of before we enter 2012. The Bellend of the Month for December 2011 is Aidan Burley. The Conservative Member of Parliament for Cannock Chase in Staffordshire, England, has been forced to leave his job as a Parliamentary Private Secretary to Justine Greening in the Department of Transport after pictures appeared in The Mail on Sunday newspaper showing him at a stag party in France with a man dressed in the uniform of a Nazi SS officer. This is just stupid and offensive, and he should've left as soon as he saw that anti-Semitic scumbag. But he didn't and he ended up getting his photo taken with him. I would've left as soon as somebody arrived dressed like a Nazi. Nobody should encourage this patently offensive behaviour.

So it's actually today that Samoa and Tokelau are skipping over

That's right, the International Date Line is scheduled to change tonight New Zealand time. This means skipping Friday, so what's a Jew or a Sabbatarian Christian living in Samoa to do? I'm not sure what each group has decided to do about the skipped Friday, but I have heard that the local Seventh Day Adventists (all except for one small congregation) are planning to observe their Sabbaths on Sunday instead. Of course I'm not one to follow that particular path to enlightenment, but observing the Jewish sabbath is what made this church stand out. No church should change who they are just because one day is being skipped, but the sad truth is that most congregations on the islands are prepared to lose something that made them special. If I were the reverend at one of the congregations planning to move its services to Sunday, it wouldn't be moving on my watch. But there is a place where change is necessary: it's called North Korea and its new leader better start making some serious changes.

Occupy YouTube... or a prison cell

Matthew Quain still struggles to piece together what happened after a trip to the grocery store nearly turned deadly. He remembers a group of loitering young people, then a dimly lit street, then nothing. The 51-year-old became another victim of "Knockout King" or simply "Knock Out," a so-called game of unprovoked violence that targets random victims. Reports of the attacks have come from around the country including Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Chicago. In St. Louis, an elderly immigrant from Vietnam died in an attack in April.

The rules are as simple as they are brutal. A group chooses a lead attacker, then seeks out a victim. Unlike typical gang violence or other street crime, the goal is not revenge, nor is it robbery. The victim is chosen at random, often someone unlikely to put up a fight. Many victims were elderly; most were alone. The attacker charges and begins punching. If the victim goes down, the group usually scatters. If not, others join in, punching and kicking, often until the person is unconscious or badly hurt. Sometimes the attacks are captured on cellphone video that is posted on websites. These scumbags have absolutely no respect for human life, and they need to be dealt with. This stupidity is just done for attention, and has no place in a decent society. I hope this carry-on doesn't spread to New Zealand. Planking was bad enough.

Today's the day that will never come in Samoa

Meanwhile, two continents over, an Egyptian court has ordered the country's military rulers to stop the use of "virginity tests" on female detainees, in a rare condemnation by a civilian tribunal of a military practice that has caused an uproar among activists and rights groups. The virginity test allegations first surfaced after a March 9 rally in Cairo's Tahrir Square that turned violent when men in plainclothes attacked protesters, and the army cleared the square by force. The rights group Human Rights Watch said seven women were subjected to the tests. That's seven too many because the virginity tests are a violation of women's rights and an aggression against their dignity. I don't exactly know how those stupid tests are conducted, and I don't want to know. But at least it'll stop.

Five-nil again, naturally

A hat-trick from Dimitar Berbatov and single goals from Ji-sung Park and Antonio Valencia gave United a second successive five-goal victory this morning at Old Trafford and moved Man United level on points with Man City at the head of the Barclays Premier League table. Two players got yellow-carded and Conor Sammon got a straight red card, leaving Wigan with just ten players.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The amount of time it took

Yemeni president Ali Abdullah Saleh said on Saturday he would leave for the United States and give way to a successor, hours after his forces killed nine people demanding he be tried for killings of protesters over the past year. But Mr Saleh, who agreed to step down last month under a deal cut by his wealthier neighbours who fear civil war in Yemen will affect them, did not say when he would depart and vowed to play a political role again, this time opposed to a new government. I don't know if he will leave for America, but the time it's taking for that nutjob to just step down already is inexcusable. Maybe democracy will finally come to Yemen if there's a better president.

Frosting blows up in T-10, 9, 8...

A woman who recently flew back home from Vegas says an airport security officer confiscated her frosted cupcake because he thought the icing on it could be a security risk. Rebecca Hains said the Transportation Security Administration agent at McCarran International Airport took her cupcake on Wednesday, telling her its frosting was enough like a gel to violate TSA restrictions on allowing liquids and gels onto flights to prevent them from being used as explosives. She said the agent told her the frosting was conforming to the jar it was inside. If the ingredients posed a biosecurity risk on an international flight, then TSA's actions would be perfectly understandable, but this was a cupcake on a domestic flight and it's not like cupcake frosting can be turned into an explosive. This is actually more about civil liberties than it would be a cupcake, and the public are just building up a resistance and tolerance to all these things TSA are doing in the name of security, when it's really theater.

No Motherland Without Him... I hope

The guest list for North Korean leader Kim Jong-il’s funeral is taking shape and already includes a multimillionaire’s widow from South Korea and a Japanese magician known as Princess Tenko. But so far there have been some notable nonmentions, including two of the late dictator's relatives, who have yet to surface since Kim, one of the world’s most reviled leaders, died last week of a heart attack at age 69. Of particular interest was Kim Jong-nam, Kim's eldest son, who has lived in partial exile after falling out of favor with his father for being caught with a fake Dominican Republic passport trying to gain entrance to Tokyo Disneyland. Another thing that the spectacle will not have is foreign journalists, who are reportedly banned from covering the event, set for Wednesday in Pyongyang (point of interest: the Associated Press is one of the few Western media outlets with an office in the isolated regime). But if I was invited to that despot's funeral, I'd come, but I'd fly a South Korean flag during the service. Things did get better under Kim Jong-il (e.g. they would no longer shoot you on sight just because you listened to South Korean radio) but I hope his son Kim Jong-un brings democracy to North Korea. On a not-so-relevant note, Samoa are skipping Wednesday because they're coming over to our side of the International Date Line; this could probably just be a coincidence.

OK, the kids can come

Children are being left locked in cars by Western Bay of Plenty parents completing their Christmas shopping. Fraser Cove shopping centre has had at least four incidents this month and Bayfair Shopping Centre has also noticed the problem. However, it's a crime to leave children locked in a car alone. It's an offence to leave a child unattended in a situation where they will suffer or be caused stress. If you leave someone in a car on a hot day they are likely to suffer. It's basically a form of neglect. It comes under wilful neglect of a child, and prosecution is one possible outcome. Invariably your one-minute trip will take longer and kids can get into trouble very quickly. A child can undo their seatbelt or their harness and get out, or undo the handbrake and all those other things. Also, on a particularly hot day, with the magnifying effect of glass, it's possible for a child to get quite hot which has other dangers. So don't leave the kids in the car.

Five goals against Fulham put pressure on cross-town rivals

Man United kept up the pressure on Man City with another impressive performance on their travels to secure their first league victory over Fulham at Craven Cottage for almost four years. This morning's match ended in a 5-0 victory for the Reds, with the goals being scored by Danny Welbeck, Nani, powerhouses Dimitar Berbatov and Wayne Rooney, and Ryan Giggs, who has now scored goals in 22 consecutive seasons. The only yellow card went to one of the bellends on Fulham.

The judge dropped a massive bomb here

A white supremacist was sentenced to 32 years in prison yesterday for planting a shrapnel bomb along the parade route of a Martin Luther King Jr. Day celebration in Washington state this year. The sentence was the maximum penalty that Kevin Harpham, 37, a former U.S. soldier, could have received for the guilty plea he entered in September to federal weapons and hate-crime charges in connection with the failed bombing attempt. This is just not on, especially coming from a soldier, and now he will be paying dearly for his actions. Just as the whole business with Amy Chua and her bad parenting was causing a sensation, that bellend was causing disruption to a parade celebrating one of the civil rights movement's leading figures. I hope he doesn't add to his troubles by dropping the soap while in the clink.

City still on top

Going into yesterday morning’s match at Loftus Road against the Queen’s Park Rangers, Sir Alex Ferguson’s hand was strengthened by the return of Dimitar Berbatov and Chicharito, yet the Man United manager opted against shuffling and named the same line-up that overpowered Wolverhampton last weekend. And it still worked; Wayne Rooney and Michael Carrick scored the necessary goals to beat QPR 2-0. Three bellends were shown yellow cards.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Auto-correct

This site has many of the auto-correct fails known to iPhone users. Some of the machine-made mistakes on the site are a conversation which involved the text "Ok maybe in a few fatso", one where the user wanted a friend to sign for his feces package (he meant FedEx), a text which I hope the cops didn't get a hold of (pictured), one where an instance of the word "aunt" was replaced with a four-letter word, one where they talked of "dry humping" the roast when the sender meant "dry rub", one where the word "laptop" was replaced with "lap dance", one where one message said "you live under my roof you live under my pubes", and one where a text saying "Gotta run home and change my shirt first it has swastikas all over it" was sent (to a Jew, God forbid), as well as many others. This is why I just leave out the spaces until there is no way for my iPhone to auto-correct the word, then add the spaces.

Oops, she's doing it again

Forget about the holidays, Britney Spears is engaged! December can now officially be designated not only Spears and new fiance Jason Trawick's birthday month, but also their engagement. But I know where this next marriage is headed: divorce. Her marriages to Justin Timberlake (whose performance in In Time was so good I saw it again) and Kevin Federline both turned sour, and so will this one. Britney is just a glutton for punishment. This sort of rubbish is why I'm never getting married.

Santa better stock up on coal

A 14-year-old girl will spend Christmas in hospital after a school "gang bashing" left her with a fractured spine. Footage of Flaxmere College teenager Adriana Kemp screaming "my back" was filmed on a cell phone as two fellow students viciously assaulted her on the college's playing fields. How can one justify a cowardly act like this? This is just horrible and the poor girl had to have screws inserted in her skull to keep her spine straight. The principal was well within her rights to expel three kids in connection with this heinous act.

A degree worth losing your fingers for

Human rights groups in Bangladesh have demanded a severe punishment for the husband of a young woman who allegedly cut off most of her right hand. Police say Rafiqul Islam, a 30-year-old migrant worker who works in the United Arab Emirates, attacked his 21-year-old wife, Hawa Akther Jui, because she pursued higher education without his permission. This is no reason to cut off anyone's fingers, and is just one of a number of acts of domestic violence targeting educated women in recent months. Her fingers cannot be re-attached and it appears that Ms Akther will have to live with permanent disfigurement because of that stupid waste of life. She has started practising writing with her left hand, and as a fellow southpaw, I wish her well. The attack follows an incident in June in which a university lecturer lost one eye while the other was badly wounded in an attack allegedly carried out by her husband. The accused man in this case, Syeed Hasan Sumon, died in custody earlier this month while awaiting trial.

Switch off before you drive off

Federal officials are calling for a complete ban on cellphone use while driving after the National Transportation Safety Board made a recommendation to do so, but some Maryland lawmakers are calling the thought unrealistic, even though they are prepared to pursue stricter cellphone laws next year. They should, and for good reason. It is both a visual and a cognitive distraction. Nobody should be using cellphones while driving, unless they have one of those hands-free devices. Cellphones and driving are a dangerous mix. Drivers should be focused on the road.

Kyoto may yet be Karchered

Canada’s environment minister Peter Kent announced Monday that Canada is withdrawing from Kyoto Protocol after the UN conference in Durban, which immediately drew criticism inside and outside the country. What their government is doing could be in violation of domestic law, because the Kyoto Implementation Act was passed by the House of Commons in 2007 and has royal assent. It requires Canada to continue reporting and doing its job, fulfilling its obligations under the Kyoto Protocol. It looks as if Stephen Harper thinks he can just withdraw Canada from an international treaty which was ratified by the House of Commons with no discussion in the House, and violate a domestic law with no discussion in the House. There does seem to be a case for pulling out: Canada’s former Liberal government signed the Kyoto, which requires a cut in greenhouse gas emissions to 6 per cent below 1990 levels by 2012. But Canada’s emissions in 2009 were 17 per cent above 1990. It’s like the kid in school who knows he’s going to fail the class, so he drops it before that happens.

In other news, Restaurant Brands has acquired rights to operate a fourth brand, adding to its current stable of KFC, Pizza Hut, and Starbucks Coffee businesses. Restaurant Brands will be building and operating the Carl’s Jr. chain of restaurants in New Zealand, regardless of falls in sales through its other three fast food operations.

Maybe the ICC should step in

Top UN human rights official Navi Pillay says Syria should be referred to the International Criminal Court, and I couldn't agree more. What Bashar al-Assad has done over the course of the uprising is totally abhorrent and maybe Turkey should annex Syria. Ben Ali, Mubarak, and Gaddafi have all been removed and hopefully al-Assad will be next. The world does not need such stupid nutjobs bringing everyone down. It would be a lot easier if someone had the power to make something true by saying it's true, because then we could say something along the lines of "Bashar al-Assad is not the President of Syria" and then he'd be deposed.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Retro Gamer

This website is the worst. That site has Pacman on it, among other games, but those bellends won’t let me use it on my laptop just because I’m using a Mac. Not being able to use Internet Explorer is fine, but Macs and PC’s should be treated equally. Sure they run on different software, and most of the population use Windows, but there is no excuse for shoving Mac users to the back of the bus. That’s how wars start.

Reds continue quest for 20th title

Man United beat the Wolves this morning at Old Trafford in their last home game before Christmas. The game ended in a 4-1 victory that cuts the gap at the top to two points. If Man U win their next game and Man City lose theirs, then Man U will be in the lead. Nani scored two goals for Man U, as did Wayne Rooney. The Wolves' goal was scored by Steven Fletcher. One player was booked.

Even Aussies deserve the real deal

Samsung Electronics' tablet computer, the Galaxy Tab, will be available to consumers in Australia in the coming days, after the South Korean electronics giant scored a victory against Apple in a legal battle that had blocked the product from going on sale. The Australian High Court bowled Apple underarm by denying their appeal to an earlier court ruling that overturned an injunction placed on Samsung's Galaxy Tab 10.1 citing violation of its patent. The recent ruling is expected to give Samsung a stronger footing not only in the Christmas sales department but also in a legal battle it is involved in with Apple in several countries across the world, including the United States. Samsung's Galaxy Tab is a complete ripoff of the iPad, and as far as I'm concerned, it has no place on store shelves. If I get one of those stupid contraptions for Christmas, I'll sell it on eBay and buy an iPad with the money.

All slashed up and no place to go

Dozens of tyres were punctured in an attack which left residents of a quiet Dunedin street angry and out of pocket. Police were called to suburban Wakari yesterday morning following multiple calls from residents who woke to find one or two tyres punctured on every car parked in Farley St. This is not the sort of behaviour that should be going on anywhere, especially in my hometown. I live in the general area, and one or more of my neighbours could be next. Two tyres apiece on one victim's sedan and 4x4 were punctured, with the insurance bill likely to be around $2000. In addition to paying the $300 excess, he was unable to drive his children to kindergarten and had to take time off work. Damage to another family's tyres meant the breadwinner had to walk to work, and their two girls had to miss kindergarten while the tyres were replaced. It's bad enough when the main income earner can't get to work, but if you bring their kids into the equation, it's a lot worse. Nobody needs this nonsense, and I hope the cops find the bellend responsible.

Prison countdown starts at ten weeks

Rod Blagojevich starts his Thursday facing a bleak countdown — 71 days before the twice-elected Illinois governor must say goodbye to his family and begin serving a 14-year sentence for corruption. During those days, he will scramble to get his financial affairs in order and spend a final birthday and Christmas at home with his wife, Patti, and their two young daughters, 15-year-old Amy and 8-year-old Annie, before heading off to prison to serve the sentence handed down yesterday. Judge James Zagel sentenced Blagojevich on 18 counts of corruption, including his June convictions on charges that he tried to sell or trade an appointment to Obama's U.S. Senate seat for campaign cash or a top job. The impeached governor must report to prison on February 16, and where he reports is still being decided on by federal authorities. Wherever it is, that bellend will be largely cut off from the outside world. He will have to share a cell with other inmates, be extremely careful not to drop the soap, and work a menial job, possibly scrubbing toilets or mopping floors, at just 12 cents an hour (too bad you can't hire employees that cheaply in the free world). Spending 14 long, hard years locked away from his family will serve him right.

New Zealand: first to see the new timeline

New Zealand will be the first country to get Facebook's brand-spanking new Timeline feature - and the rest of the world will be made to wait. Timeline is essentially an expanded profile that can display content as users want to - rather than being bound by the standard Wall post approach, and we're going to be first to the scene. In the words of Facebook product manager Sam Lessin: "We chose New Zealand to be first - and I'll probably get in trouble for saying this - primarily because it is an English-speaking country. It's far away from our data centres, so we can monitor speed and performance." There are also some better reasons to choose New Zealand: we were ranked the cleanest on the Corruption Perceptions Index, our cricketers don't bowl underarm like they do over the ditch, and our rugby team is the very best in the universe. Or maybe it's because we're one of the first to see each new day.

A riches-to-rags story in the making...

The three Connecticut investment managers who shared the winnings of a record $254 million Powerball lottery don’t really need the money. They say they are giving a pile of it to Connecticut charities, which is good but the rich (as of late going by the epithet "the 1%") always seem to be doing it too much. If I were to run into huge amounts of money, I would not follow that kind but cliche and possibly dangerous example. It's not often I have any advice to give to the 1%, but especially in our uncertain economic climate, you could do with that extra money. Sure you've got lots on you now, but the cost of living has risen over time (according to this inflation calculator, something that cost $1 30 years ago would cost $3.79 now.) People who make regular donations to charity should cut out or at least cut back on the amount they're donating, and use the extra money for just in case the economy turns into a repeat of Chernobyl. You might come off as a bit of a scrooge, but in these tough times, the nice guys WILL finish last.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Baby mouse wine

Baby mice wine is a traditional Chinese and Korean "health tonic," which apparently tastes like raw petrol. Little mice, eyes still closed, are plucked from the embrace of their loving mothers and stuffed (while still alive) into a bottle of rice wine. They are left to ferment while their parents wring their tiny mouse paws in despair, tears drooping sadly from the tips of their whiskers. And that is why nobody would ever think to stock this drink in New Zealand. Mice are pets and they do not belong in our food and drink. Maybe in Korea, but not here.

Rookie brings victory to champions

After convincing wins for the other teams in the title race prior to kick-off, the pressure was on the champions going into this morning's game against Aston Villa. But Villa Park is traditionally a happy hunting ground for Man United and Sir Alex's team collected three points thanks to Phil Jones' first-ever goal at senior level. It was the only goal scored in the entire match and no players were yellow-carded.

God versus cellphones: who will win?

A Catholic bishop in Paraguay has taken up a battle against mobile phones. Bishop Claudio Silvero says the devices are "accursed and tools of sin" and denounced them in a homily this week in the shrine of Caacupe, 54 kilometres east of Paraguay's capital, Asuncion. That may be so, what with easy access to internet pornography on many newer devices, but cellphones are quite valuable tools that aid in communication. That nutjob obviously doesn't know what he's talking about. Technology is constantly changing, so he should just go with the flow. Even the Siri app on the iPhone 4S is not perfect but at least it's a lot better than having to listen to the bishop's drivel. I'd rather he made Holocaust jokes than denounce technology.

United may break guitars but their rivals serve bad poultry

As it deals with fallout from its bankruptcy announcement, American Airlines is also facing the wrath of a family who claim their loved one died after eating a meal served by the carrier. The wife and daughter of the late Othon Cortes of Miami are suing the airline and LSG Sky Chefs - a German company that produces airline meals for more than 300 airlines - for more than $1 million, alleging he ate food contaminated with bacteria during a flight from Barcelona to New York earlier this year. The lawsuit states that after the plane landed at JFK and as Cortes and his wife waited for their next flight to Miami, Cortes felt "discomfort and pain that included sharp stomach cramps and sudden thirst and other clear outward manifestation of severe physical illness." During the flight to Miami, Cortes experienced nausea and shortness of breath, and became unresponsive after a cardiac event, forcing the plane to make an emergency landing in Norfolk, Virginia. He was pronounced dead on arrival. This is just horrible and if I were ever to fly on an American Airlines flight, I will not be eating their in-flight meals lest I eat some undercooked poultry. I'll probably just have some KFC at the airport terminal.

Bashar is such a jive turkey

Syria is likely to be slammed with a new round of sanctions by Turkey, two days after the Arab League decided to impose economic sanctions on Damascus that were seen by the government as targeting the livelihood of Syrians. Turkish-Syrian relations have hit a new low recently over the unrest in Syria, with the Turkish side accusing the Syrian administration of atrocities against its people, while Damascus accuses Ankara of harbouring and arming terrorist groups against the rule of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. In fact, Turkey should annex Syria by force. Syria's right across the border, and this means that said border can just be torn down, and after an army invasion, Turkish law will apply instead of al-Assad's crap. In other news, Britain has closed its embassy in Iran.