Frappuccinos - now bigger than Texas

The Bellend of the Month for May 2014 is Andrew Chifari. The Texan man entered a Starbucks in Dallas on the 24th with a 128-ounce glass and asked baristas to create the most expensive frappuccino that would fit in his container, but still taste good. The drink cost US$54.75, but Chifari walked away without paying a cent after racking up enough points under a loyalty plan for a free drink of his choice. Starbucks does not want others to follow suit, which is quite understandable because Chifari consumed several thousand calories and 4500 mg of caffeine, more than 10 times above what the US Food and Drug Administration considers to be a maximum safe amount for a healthy person to drink on a daily basis. If he wanted to stay awake during the upcoming World Cup, he could've just asked a friend to blow a vuvuzela into his ear whenever he started to fall asleep during a game (which hopefully won't be necessary because Texas is three hours behind Rio and many of the games this time round will be taking place during his daytime).

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: A Million Ways to Die in the West

Better name for it: A Million Ways to Die of Laughter in the West. Seriously, people, you need to go see this. It will be the funniest two hours of your life (sorry, Ted).

Goodbye Kill, hello Hill

Encouraging news for New Zealand’s newly launched Civilian Party: a parody party in Germany has won a seat in the European parliament. While some might regard the “earthquake” of extreme-right gains across Europe as absurd, the proudly absurd German Party party (Die Partei) have their own small foothold, thanks to the removal of a 3% threshold. Final results confirm that Germany’s The Party, a satirical outfit that ran a campaign with nonsense slogans like ‘Yes to Europe, No to Europe’, will be able to send its first MEP to Brussels. The organisation run by Martin Sonneborn, a former editor of the satirical magazine Titanic, got about 180,000 votes, roughly 0.6%. Sonneborn last night announced that he would resign as delegate within a month, and that his successors would follow his lead, so that The Party would have a total of 60 delegates sit in the European parliament between now and 2019. ‘We are going to milk the EU like a southern European state,’ he said. ’I don’t think we are the maddest ones in the European parliament.’ It's good to see some non-conventional blood in the European Parliament, however, overall turnout across Europe was low, but not so in the Spanish village of Castrillo Matajudíos, where just about every eligible voter took part in the European election. They had a particular reason to show up: they were also voting on a change to their village name, because "mata judíos" literally translates as “kill Jews”. It was close, but by a margin of 29 to 19, residents opted for Mota de Judios (Hill of the Jews). “When the change is approved I think it will be a turning point,” said the town's mayor, Lorenzo Rodriguez, who led the movement to change names and had threatened to resign if residents disagreed. The decision should bring an end to the embarrassment of locals, who frequently found themselves trapped into giving awkward explanations to outraged outsiders. “When you travel elsewhere, you always have to explain, because people say, ‘You kill Jews in Castrillo’,” Rodriguez, told AFP. “It makes no sense because we are descended from a Jewish community. We have a star of David on our coat of arms.” He said the town, which lies near the city of Burgos, was born in 1035 as a safe haven to a persecuted Jewish community, which settled on a hill, or Mota, in the area. But as far as killing is concerned, Castrillo Matajudíos is certainly not alone, and a number of other places can thrust their sword into the body of contention. La Matanza, near Alicante, means ‘the slaughter’, originating from ancient battles that were fought in the area. There are also the villages of Matamorosa and Matarrepudio, both south of Santander. Regardless of origins, morosa can mean ‘in arrears or slow to pay’, whilst repudio means ‘repudiation’ – the refusal to acknowledge or pay a debt. Should you wish to visit, avoiding any financial difficulties may be a good idea. Matalobos del Páramo, in Castilla y León, basically means ‘kill the wolves of the plain’, whilst Asturias veers from killing to death with the villages of La Degollada and El Pozo de las Mujeres Muertas. The first translates as ‘a woman with her throat cut’, although it actually refers to a cut or pass in the landscape, whilst the second means ‘the well of the dead women’. The good news is that Mujeres Muertas seems to have originated due to terrain and linguistic changes, so don’t worry too much about the local water supply.

Legging it

For those of you wondering whether it’s acceptable to wear leggings without tunic tops over them, Qatar has an answer: “leggings are not pants”. The Arab emirate has launched a social media campaign to educate Western tourists on appropriate clothing ahead of the 2022 World Cup, which is likely to bring an influx of badly-dressed visitors to the state. Campaign group “Reflect your Respect” has created a graphic (pictured) to share on Instagram and Twitter showing what sort of outfits are considered immodest in the Islamic country. The advert, also being handed out in leaflet form at Qatari airports, reads: “If you are in Qatar, you are one of us. Help us preserve Qatar’s culture and values, please dress modestly in public places.” The words are printed alongside pictures of four stick figures wearing unsuitable outfits, each with a cross underneath. Three are women — one in a sundress, another in shorts and a singlet, and a third wearing leggings and a T-shirt, with a muffin-top of bare midriff clearly visible. The fourth figure is a man in shorts and a singlet. The Arab state also forbids residents and visitors from uttering “indecent phrases”, displaying affection in public, drinking alcohol, and taking photos of people they do not know. Any behaviour considered obscene under Sharia law — including homosexuality — is punishable with a fine and up to six months in prison. It's good to get the relevant information eight years before you'll need it, but a) the differing cultural standards are already common knowledge in much of the world and b) they should be careful how far they're taking that crap because the campaign could be misused in Western countries to discriminate against Muslims and justify a ban on traditional niqabs and hijabs.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Geo-blocking

It's stupid as. But there are ways around it. Sadly, it appears Hollywood interests have responded to that. New Zealand internet users say they have been cut off from United States television streaming service Netflix. Slingshot spokesman Quentin Reade said the internet provider believed Netflix had made some changes to its systems, preventing access by some New Zealanders. "Something upstream from our network was changed, that's all I can confirm," he said. Netflix does not offer its service in New Zealand as it does not have rights to stream its programming here. It has always attempted to block access using a technique called "geo-blocking", but an unknown number of Kiwis had found ways around the block and subscribed. Slingshot provides one such option. It introduced a Global Mode service last June that disguises customers' internet protocol addresses so it can appear as though they are in the US. Slingshot has marketed Global Mode as a free tool that lets overseas visitors continue to access popular online services that are blocked in New Zealand, such as Netflix, but does not police who uses the service. Reade said Slingshot did not know whether Netflix was trying to enforce geo-blocking restrictions and prevent its service being accessed outside North America or whether the issues were unrelated to that possible goal. But I'm not on Slingshot and I don't use Netflix, however, I've got a better way around those stupid geo-blocks. It's a Chrome and Firefox plug-in called Hola. It lets you choose which country to fool the servers into thinking you're accessing a particular site from. I installed it on Chrome specifically for the Jonah from Tonga "binge weekend" early this month, when the entire series was available on ABC iView in Australia and BBC iPlayer in the UK. I am currently halfway through re-watching the entire series as it goes back up episode by episode each weekend.

Kentucky Fried Pubic Hair - now available in Wales

A KFC worker in Wales has been suspended after claims that a customer's food was "laced with pubic hair". The hair was placed in the customer's food after they were apparently rude to staff. The grisly revenge happened in drive-thru in a KFC restaurant in Cardiff. In a message posted on a Facebook page, one user wrote: "To the girls who came through KFC drive thru on western avenue just then… Threatened my friend who served you because she 'needed to smile more'? Karma's a bitch girls, hope you enjoyed your food I made for you after over hearing the way you spoke to my girl on the head set… be picking pubes out your teeth for a week, mwah xo." This is disgusting and just plain unpleasant. I would have good reason to complain if that happened to me or my niece (pictured).

This one's for the g***s

But first, I will take the time to wish a happy 110th birthday to Peg Griffin, the Kapiti Coast woman believed to be New Zealand's oldest living resident. Griffin, born Eleanor Wilson and nicknamed Peg, grew up in Feilding and has three children, five grandchildren, and nine great-grandchildren. A bit hard of hearing but still sharp as, she gets around on a walker and still plays bowls, skittles, and bobs. One of New Zealand's first Karitane nurses, she smoked until her late 80s and worked hard bringing up and fending for three children on her own. But now back to the main topic for today: the BBC was embroiled in an extraordinary censorship row last night after cutting the word 'girl' from a documentary about the Commonwealth Games, fearing it might cause offence. Broadcaster Mark Beaumont joked after being hurled to the floor by a judo champion: "I am not sure I can live that down - being beaten by a 19-year-old girl." His remark was broadcast in full when the 30-minute episode of The Queen's Baton Relay was first shown on the BBC News Channel in April. But evidently sensitive to charges of sexism, BBC executives decided to edit out the word 'girl' when the programme was repeated last week, leaving an awkward pause in place of the offending word. Asked by a viewer what had happened, Mr Beaumont tweeted: "Maybe the editor thought it was sexist - it wasn't. I'm not worried about it." Even the judo champion involved, Cynthia Rahming, was left bemused. "I wasn't offended - I didn't find it sexist," she told The Mail on Sunday. Elsewhere, it divided opinion, with some TV presenters, including Mariella Frostrup, backing the BBC's stance. She said: "'Girls' to me is a fantastic word because I think, "Girls... full of potential." But it has been used as a dismissive term as well. So I can imagine why it would be controversial. The athlete may not have been offended but the BBC has to think of the sensibilities of everybody watching." Feminist novelist Kathy Lette, however, said: "If the athlete didn't find it upsetting why should the BBC mount their politically correct high horse and gallop off into the sanctimonious sunset?" The row comes two weeks after the Corporation was accused of double standards after it forced veteran broadcaster David Lowe to quit for mistakenly playing an old version of The Sun Has Got His Hat On, which featured the N-word. Jeremy Clarkson, however, kept his job, when he appeared to use the same racist term during the filming of Top Gear.

Challenge proves challenging in lead-up to Brazil

He is hoping to be one of the stars of the 2014 World Cup, but an injury blow for Luis Suarez has drawn extreme reaction from Uruguay football fans. Suarez is facing a race against time to be fit for the showpiece tournament in Brazil starting next month, and the player whose challenge required the Liverpool star to have knee surgery has been bombarded with death threats. Paul Dummett, who plays for Newcastle United, was sent off for his challenge on Uruguay's all-time leading scorer on the final day of the English Premier League season earlier this month. Uruguay has been drawn in the same group as England, and some fans took to Twitter to unleash their fury at the 22-year-old, with many posting violent messages on the social media network. One message read: "Hi Paul Dummett. I hope some day you come here (Uruguay) to have a nice time with friends. We have things for you, like a bullet in the head." Another tweeted: "Hey, Paul Dummett. If Suárez doesn't play against England, you'll never play again." People of Uruguay, if you're reading this, please remember death threats are not cool, or in your language, amenazas de muerte no son frescos. Whoever's making the death threats, stop it. Dummett has already suffered enough for his challenge.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: Fading Gigolo

Only two words necessary to describe this week's Film Beat, which among other things has one of the few appearances by Woody Allen in a film he didn't direct: pure genius. If you get the chance to see this, then go see it. But don't visit Dunedin Hospital before you do, because it has been hit by what's being described as a perfect storm of vomiting and diarrhoea. Two wards remain closed and elective surgery has been postponed in a bid to control the outbreak. However, they are starting to get things under control, with just one new case being reported today.

To unbrick or not to unbrick? That is the question.

Lost your iPhone? No worries. Something called "Activation Lock" turns it into a useless brick by connecting to Apple servers via its iCloud service. But a Dutch hacker going by the name AquaXetine and a Moroccan hacker with the name MerrukTechnolog have discovered a way around that. That's right, two hackers have figured out a way to unlock lost Apple devices - a boon for criminals with stolen iPhones and iPads. The hackers have discovered a method for bypassing a protective feature on Apple devices. By plugging your iPhone or iPad into a computer and altering a file inside, you trick the device into connecting to the hackers' server instead. Once connected, the server will tell the iPhone or iPad to unlock. The process is clunky, but folks around the world are already celebrating that it works. So you now have to be extra careful not to lose your iDevice because you'd be well and truly screwed if it were to fall into the hands of somebody who knows about this.

Twins first to ban the san

Last week, Minnesota's legislature passed, and Governor Mark Dayton signed, the country's first ban of triclosan in most retail products. The ban doesn't take effect until 2017, but state senator John Marty, one of the bill's lead sponsors, said on Monday that he expects the chemical to be phased out before then. But what is triclosan? First used as hospital scrub in the 1970s, it's the active ingredient in about 75 percent of antibacterial soaps and body washes in America. It's also in dish and laundry detergent, and even some toothpastes. So what's wrong with it? Studies have raised concerns that it can disrupt hormones critical for reproduction and development, at least in lab animals. It is also known to contribute to the development of superbugs. On top of that, there's no evidence that it gets our hands any cleaner. Still, Americans don't like being told they can't buy something — remember the flap over incandescent light bulb regulations? — and triclosan is produced in somebody's congressional district. But enough about that because it appears “everything is awesome” for Warner Bros.’ blockbuster movie series about blocks, and the studio has announced a release date for a The Lego Movie spinoff: September 23, 2016. Ninjago, which focuses on the toy franchise’s ninja-themed figurines, will be the directorial debut of Charlie Bean. The studio previously announced in March that Chris McKay will helm the The Lego Movie 2, which is the direct sequel to The Lego Movie. The original film — which TIME film critic Richard Corliss called “the funniest, cleverest, most exhaustingly exhilarating animated feature in ages” — grossed $452.4 million worldwide after opening in February. Everything will be awesome right now, though, once X-Men: Days of Future Past opens and starts raking in the big bucks for Marvel Studios.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: David Moyes

And that's why Netherlands coach Louis van Gaal has been appointed as the new Manchester United manager following the sacking of David Moyes in April. The 62-year-old was keen to return to club football after the 2014 World Cup and will take up his post then as he attempts to get the Red Devils back challenging for major honours after a woeful season. The Dutchman was poised to take over from Sir Alex Ferguson in 2002, but does he have the credentials to fill one of the hottest seats in football? Here's what we're dealing with: he won the Dutch league title on three occasions with Ajax in the 1990s, and also helped the side secure the 1991 Uefa Cup and then the 1995 Champions League title, with a team that featured Edwin van der Sar, Clarence Seedorf, Frank Rijkaard, and Patrick Kluivert. Van Gaal was asked to emulate that success at Spanish giants Barcelona. He inherited former England manager Bobby Robson's side in 1997 and led them to two successive La Liga titles and the Copa del Rey. His country came calling in 2000, but his first stint in charge lasted less than two years when Netherlands failed to qualify for the 2002 World Cup, the first time they had missed the competition since 1986. The Dutchman's second spell at Barcelona was even shorter - eight months - as he left midway through the season with the club hovering just above the relegation zone. Then came, what he thought, was the chance of a lifetime - to take over from Ferguson at Old Trafford, but in the end, Ferguson didn't want to quit. Van Gaal recovered from that disappointment and rediscovered his golden touch back in Dutch club football with AZ Alkmaar, guiding them to the 2005-06 Eredivisie before moving to the Bundesliga, where he took Bayern Munich to the 2009-10 league title. The Dutch national side approached Van Gaal again in 2012 and this time, aided by former Ajax players Danny Blind and Kluivert, Netherlands became one of the first two European countries, along with Italy, to qualify for Brazil 2014. So we may well have the next Alex Ferguson on board.

And what say the computer?

Three-time Formula 1 world champion Sir Jack Brabham, who won the title in a car he built himself, has died aged 88. The Australian driver, who was knighted in 1979, won the championship in 1959, 1960, and 1966. His last win in 1966 was achieved in a car of his own construction, the rear-engined BT19. He remains the only man in history to have designed, built, and driven a championship-winning car. His career coincided with those of other Formula 1 legends, notably Stirling Moss, Jim Clark, and Jackie Stewart. Brabham was never considered to have the natural talent of those rivals, but he earned a reputation as a tough uncompromising competitor and his career success surpassed all his contemporaries bar Stewart and Juan Manuel Fangio, with whom Brabham only briefly overlapped. But no-one wins three world titles against drivers like that - in addition to the likes of John Surtees, Dan Gurney, and Tony Brooks - without being pretty special themselves. But there is now something just as special to bring up tonight: a venture capital firm has appointed a computer algorithm to its board of directors. The program - called Vital - will vote on whether to invest in a specific company or not. The firm it will be working for - Deep Knowledge Ventures - focuses on drugs for age-related diseases. It said that Vital would make its recommendations by sifting through large amounts of data. The algorithm looks at a range of data when making decisions - including financial information, clinical trials for particular drugs, intellectual property owned by the firm, and previous funding. That all seems well and good, but the computer is still only one vote. Unless, of course, all the human votes are cast aside and the computer given the final say on each matter.

Topshop goes from top to buzzing

Shoppers were forced to flee a branch of Topshop after a swarm of bees began nesting on the shop's front in the middle of central London. The bees targeted a discount sign on the window of Topshop in Victoria Street, turning the fashion store display into a carpet of insects and sending shoppers running for cover. It is understood the unusual nesting place was picked by the Queen bee, who landed there first and was then followed by her devoted colony. It is not known where the bees originally came from, but a string of shops in the local area do have their own hives. They shouldn't be doing that because people could get stung if the bees were to be let out like that. However, there won't be any bees swarming when Topshop open in New Zealand. The British fashion retailer is gearing up for major New Zealand expansion, with a central Auckland site secured for a flagship store - set to open this year - and big plans to establish a nationwide chain.

New plastic to make life fantastic

Researchers have developed a collection of new plastics that are recyclable and adaptable - and the discovery began with a laboratory mistake. These include strong stiff plastics and flexible gels that can mend themselves if torn. The findings, reported in the journal Science, could lead to cheaper and greener cars, planes, and electronics. It is the first time that durable "thermoset" plastic has been produced in a recyclable form. Dr Jeanette Garcia, from IBM's Almaden Research Center in San Jose, stumbled upon the first new class of thermosets in many years when she accidentally left one of three components out of a reaction. "I had this chunk of plastic, and I had to figure out what it was," Dr Garcia told the BBC. "I had to smash my round-bottomed flask with a hammer." That chunk of plastic, produced from unexpectedly simple ingredients, proved to be tremendously hard and stable. Crucially, it could be digested in acid, reverting to its original components. This digestion reaction allows the chemical building blocks, or monomers, to be reused, which is a good thing because it can be turned into this and then into that and so on. The ability to rework saves a tremendous amount of money and mitigates waste, because when a large or expensive component is damaged or reaches the end of its useful life, it can now be repaired or recycled instead of thrown away like Man United did with David Moyes.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: Chef

This was a really enjoyable movie about a chef who loses his job at a restaurant and decides to open a food truck. That movie even made me want to open my own business, as it looked like the truck's staff had the best summer ever with their idea to sell their Cuban sandwiches. Critical reception has been pretty good too; it currently holds an 86% "fresh" rating, based on 68 reviews, on Rotten Tomatoes.

Game of DOS

Game of Thrones author George RR Martin has explained why he does all his writing on an obsolete disk operating system (DOS) computer - because it does not correct his spelling. He said he did not want a modern PC that amended his writing as he typed, and that he hated spell-checking programmes because they were unlikely to recognise a lot of the words in a fantasy novel (e.g. Dothraki or Daenerys Targaryen). The writer of the books on which the TV series is based first revealed he used the archaic system in 2011, explaining: "I actually like it - it does what I want a word-processing programme to do and it doesn't do anything else. I don't want any help, you know? I hate some of these modern systems where you type a lower case letter and it becomes a capital. I don't want a capital. If I'd wanted a capital, I'd have typed a capital. I know how to work the shift key. Stop fixing it." But how can he browse the Internet on that? He doesn't. He actually has a second machine to do Internet, email, and taxes on. Let's hope that one's the latest model.

The booze is out

An application for a special licence to open Octagon bar Ratbags to screen Fifa World Cup games has been turned down. Owners Grant and Phil Ellis applied to open the bar for World Cup matches, kicking off at 4am and 7am New Zealand time, to cater for football fans throughout the tournament, which runs from June 13 to July 14. "We are extremely disappointed," Ellis Hospitality Group general manager Phil Ellis said yesterday, adding that once they had studied the decision in depth, a decision relating to an appeal to the Alcohol Regulatory and Licensing Authority would be made. The application was heard by the Dunedin District Licensing Committee last week, and in its decision, the committee declined the application on the grounds the planning of the events did not take into account the high risk location of the premises and the potential for problems associated with the closure of nearby premises at 4am. It criticised the applicant for not supplying enough detail before the hearing, saying it expected a complete submission to be submitted on every occasion. Little thought had been given to who might be at the event, other than initial screening for intoxication, the committee said. Although it was planned to eject people not interested in the games, that might be easier said than done. There was also the concern that people leaving other closing premises might head to Ratbags, which could lead to "the real possibility of an increase in disorder in the area". If their appeal fails, they could try opening anyway but not serve alcohol - there are plenty of good non-alcoholic drinks they could serve between 4am and 8am, and they could keep serving pizza (which is really good there) during those four hours. It doesn't have to be about the booze.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Poor sleeping habits

Society has become "supremely arrogant" in ignoring the importance of sleep, leading researchers have told the BBC's Day of the Body Clock. Scientists from Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard, Manchester, and Surrey universities warn cutting sleep is leading to "serious health problems". They say people and governments need to take the problem seriously. Cancer, heart disease, type-2 diabetes, infections, and obesity have all been linked to reduced sleep. The body clock drives huge changes in the human body. It alters alertness, mood, physical strength, and even the risk of a heart attack in a daily rhythm. It stems from our evolutionary past when we were active in the day and resting at night. But scientists have warned that modern life and 24-hour society mean many people are now "living against" their body clocks with damaging consequences for health and wellbeing. Professor Russell Foster, at the University of Oxford, said people were getting between one and two hours less sleep a night than 60 years ago. We can't just abandon four billion years of evolution and ignore the fact that we have evolved under a light-dark cycle. What we've done as a species, perhaps uniquely, is override the clock, and long-term acting against that clock can lead to serious health problems. This is an issue affecting the whole of society, not just shift workers. So get to bed at a more reasonable hour, wake up, and be ready to start the day at the top of your game.

And Giggs ends the bad season with a draw

The Reds signed off for the 2013/14 season with 1-1 draw with Southampton during a tough match at St Mary’s. Rickie Lambert put the hosts in front just before the half-hour, although United were angry with his challenge on outgoing captain Nemanja Vidic in the build-up, but Juan Mata’s delicious second-half free-kick ensured a share of the spoils. Both teams also received a share of the five yellow cards.

Flying monument to excess? Check.

Etihad Airways obviously had a clear agenda when redesigning the cabins on its Airbus A380 and Boeing 787 Dreamliner passenger jets - come up with a product so outlandishly luxurious that the world's jet setters are left with no question as to who's leading the inflight glitz game. Case in point: on Etihad, travelers will soon be able to fly commercially in their own private residence with access to a Savoy Academy-trained butler, gourmet chef, and concierge. Unveiled at a weekend launch to introduce Etihad's redesigned/renamed A380 and B787 cabins, "The Residence by Etihad" - available only on the airline's A380 jets - is a three-room VIP suite with its own living room, double bedroom, and ensuite shower. Etihad says the space will sit in the upper-deck cabin and be available for single or double occupancy. One rung down on the luxury ladder, the upper deck of the new A380s - the first of which is due for delivery in December - will also offer nine new First Apartments, which are private suites with a separate reclining lounge seat and full-length bed. Each "apartment" will have its own 64-inch sliding door, minibar, personal vanity unit, wardrobe, and swiveling TV monitor for viewing from either the seat or the bed. On the airline's new Dreamliners, the first of which is due for delivery in October, Etihad will offer First Suites, each with a large seat and ottoman, which converts into an 80.5 inch-long bed. Seriously, who will ever need any of this crap? If anything, that would make me want to stay on the plane forever.

Four Countries, One Railroad

China has announced an ambitious engineering plan to build a bullet train railway to America. The massive railway network, nicknamed "China-Russia-Canada-America," would run north from China, through Siberia and Russia, under the Pacific Ocean to Alaska, then down through Canada to the contiguous United States. The trip from China to the contiguous U.S. would take less than two days, with trains traveling about 217 mph. China will reportedly fund the construction of the 8,079 miles of railway track, including a 125-mile underwater tunnel across the Bering Strait from Russia to Alaska. But this may not be the best time for China to embark on such an epic undertaking, considering the country’s railway industry is in the red. So what? If they want to build such an ambitious railway, they should give it a go. In fact, they should try extending the railway to run a scenic route of sorts from Sydney to Buenos Aires.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: Bad Neighbours

This week's Film Beat movie is about a couple and their baby living beside a frat house. Just like in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Get Him to the Greek, and The Five-Year Engagement, Nicholas Stoller really pulled it together. The funniest bit - definitely the airbags unexpectedly inflating. Seriously, guys, you need to see this.

Russia cleans up tongue

Thinking about making a film? Better leave out the foul language if you want it to be seen in Russia. The same goes for plays. Even rock stars will need to leave their potty mouths at home. Why? Because Russian President Vladimir Putin signed off on a new law this week that bans swearing at arts, cultural, and entertainment events in the country. Any new film containing obscene language won't be granted a distribution certificate, so there's no chance of seeing it at the movie theatre. And copies of books, CDs, or films containing swearing can only be distributed in a sealed package labeled "Contains obscene language." According to the Kremlin, the legislation "bans the use of obscene language when ensuring the rights of Russian citizens to the use of the state language, and protecting and developing language culture." But Putin better be careful about his next move because while some may hail attempts to clean up the nation's language, it will likely be seen by critics as the latest step under Putin's leadership to limit freedom of expression and promote a conservative, nationalist viewpoint. A report by rights group Amnesty International in January highlighted a denial of "basic freedoms" in Russia, which last year introduced a law barring anyone from talking positively about homosexuality in earshot of minors. And that, readers, is why Putin needs to go.

Reds well and truly on the way back up

James Wilson scored twice on his debut to help Manchester United to an entertaining 3-1 win over Hull City. The striker made his first senior appearance alongside another debutant in Tom Lawrence as interim manager Ryan Giggs rang the changes. Matty Fryatt (for Hull City) and Robin van Persie (for Man United) scored the other two goals, and two players were yellow-carded. Despite the shocker of a season that Moyes had, Ryan Giggs is really proving himself as interim manager and he should be given the job next season.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Phone theft

But there are now tools to prevent this nonsense. One such tool has been proven - a woman whose photo was taken on a stolen mobile phone is being sought by Sussex Police. The owner reported that the iPhone had been stolen at the Coalition nightclub in Brighton earlier in December. An app had been installed on the phone which takes a photograph of anyone who tries to unlock it, maps their location, and sends the information to the owner. There are of course a few caveats to this - the person whose photo was taken might not be the thief, any thief that knows about this technology could put a non-transparent tape or other covering over the cameras while attempting to unlock it, and there is a chance that the stolen device may no longer be on the person or at the location the photo was taken.

Nomorenomorenomorenomore, nomorenomorenomorenomore, blackjack!

It's a bust for actor Ben Affleck at one Las Vegas casino. The actor was "banned from playing blackjack at the Hard Rock casino in Las Vegas," a source close to Affleck told CNN on Friday. Affleck was not booted from the casino as other reports have indicated. Rather, he was asked to leave after casino security told him: "You are too good at the game." So what? Anyone can get good at blackjack - the real secret is not to go over 21. And besides, being good at something is supposed to be a good thing.

Vital goal saves opponents from relegation

Ryan Giggs suffered his first defeat as Manchester United interim manager this morning as Sebastian Larsson's first half goal helped Sunderland clinch a 1-0 win at Old Trafford, one that all but secures their Premier League survival into 2014-15. Not only does Ryan Giggs need to step up his game as manager (but then again, even Sir Alex couldn't win them all), the players on both teams need to step up their game as far as on-field conduct goes because three players got booked.

Sometimes the kids know best

A woman who drank a bottle of wine and whose daughter pleaded with her not to drive has been sentenced to home detention after crashing head-on into an elderly Katikati couple, inflicting life-threatening injuries to the couple. Brenda Ingarangi Gordon was sentenced to eight months home detention to start on Wednesday. Gordon, who earlier pleaded guilty to two charges of causing injury while driving with an excess blood alcohol, was sentenced in Tauranga District Court yesterday. She was also disqualified from driving for two years and ordered to pay $22,000 reparation. About 5.20pm on November 26 last year, Gordon's vehicle crossed onto the wrong side of the road and collided head on with Harry and Inez Johns' vehicle on Turner Rd, Katikati. The crash nearly cost the life of 80-year-old Mrs Johns, who was driving. She was hospitalised with life-threatening spinal injuries to her lower back and internal injuries. Her 85-year-old husband in the passenger seat was also hospitalised with spinal fractures to his neck and broken ribs. The couple both require long-term rehabilitation. If only that bellend had just listened to her daughter, Mr and Mrs Johns would not have been hit and Ms Gordon would not be in trouble with the law. This just goes to show that sometimes the kids know best.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: Muppets Most Wanted

Only two words can describe James Bobin's latest effort: pure awesomeness. Ricky Gervais did a good job as Dominic "The Lemur" Badguy (pronounced "budgie" similar to a French pronunciation). The visual effects (the studio worked on 425 shots that included CG builds and set extensions, matte paintings, particle and laser effects, animation, and rod removals) were totally worth it, as was the Monsters University short that played at the start. Now here's something NOT worth it: the captain of the South Korean ferry that sank off the coast of a tourist island has been captured on video slipping away while hundreds of passengers remain on the doomed ship. The clip from April 16, released this week by Korea's coastguard, shows coastguard officers throwing a rope to the steering house and Captain Lee Joon Seok, in a long-sleeved black shirt, jumping off the listing ferry. The clip was taken shortly before the ferry became completely submerged in the Yellow Sea - with hundreds of passengers still trapped below deck. Doesn't that bellend know a captain shouldn't leave his/her sinking ship? The captain needs to stay on board for as long as possible to provide assistance, co-ordinate the rescue efforts, and perform whatever other tasks as may be necessary to keep things running smoothly. You can't do all that once you've left the ship (unless of course you return before it's too late).

Reid sees red over Redskins

Harry Reid, the most senior member of the United States Senate, said the National Football League should follow the lead of the NBA, which gave Donald Sterling, owner of the LA Clippers team, a lifetime ban from the sport for making racist remarks. The Washington Redskins deny their name is racist, but Mr Reid has called on the NFL to make Redskins owner Daniel Snyder bow to many years of criticism and come up with a new name because of the offence caused to Native Americans. If he had to pick a new name, he could pick something more suited towards the team's hometown of Washington DC, like the Capitals or the Senators. Or he could name it after Brazilian Formula One legend Ayrton Senna, who died 20 years ago today as a result of his car crashing into a concrete barrier while he was leading the 1994 San Marino Grand Prix at the Autodromo Enzo e Dino Ferrari in Italy. It was later revealed that, as medical staff examined Senna, a furled Austrian flag was found in his car — a flag that he had intended to raise after the race in honour of Roland Ratzenberger, who had died the day before when his car crashed during qualification.