DISSEMINATORS OF THE TRUTH: February 2020

29 February 2020

28 February 2020

CORONAVIRUS SURVIVAL GUIDE

The first case of coronavirus has been confirmed in New Zealand, and authorities are now scrambling to track down people who may have come into contact with the patient. The person - who is in their 60s - is in a stable and improving condition in Auckland City Hospital, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said. They are a citizen of New Zealand who had been to Iran and flown back to New Zealand via Bali. The Ministry of Health had earlier confirmed testing was underway for a suspected coronavirus case. The results of the tests were formally reported to the ministry about 4.15pm today. "I'm confident that the risk of this disease is being very well-managed," Health Minister David Clark said on Friday evening. It was revealed the person diagnosed with the disease had tested negative for coronavirus on two previous occasions, but continued to show symptoms. Ardern said New Zealand's pandemic plan was now being fully put into place. Here's what the rest of our Kiwi readers can do in the meantime:

As much as you might have been expecting something along the lines of "stay away from Chinese people", NOT EVERYONE OF CHINESE DESCENT HAS CORONAVIRUS. THAT IS RACIST AND FOR THE MOST PART UNNECESSARY.
Because of all the coronavirus-related travel restrictions, the PB Tech Expo has had to be cancelled. This weekend, all the stock they were going to sell there will instead be sold to the masses at reduced prices. If you're in NZ and in the market for cheap tech, click here to get started (sale starts 9am NZDT tomorrow).
Lotto is at a record NZ$50 million jackpot and must be won this weekend. Even if you die from coronavirus, 50 million should be more than enough for your funeral. Play today for NZ$1.50 per line at any Lotto shop or on their website.
DON'T BE A DICK. In 2014, some idiot on a flight to the Dominican Republic caused a health scare onboard by joking that he had Ebola and he had been to Africa. He tested negative for the Ebola virus. However tempted you lot may be to shout something along the lines of "I have coronavirus, you lot are all f***ed" on a plane, DO NOT DO IT. CORONAVIRUS IS NOT A JOKE.
Quarantines are not meant to protect the asymptomatic that just so happen to be caught in the net. If you're caught in such a quarantine and are absolutely certain that you're in the clear, GET THE HELL OUT. YOUR VERY LIFE MAY WELL DEPEND ON IT.
Frequent hand-washing is a must. It's a good idea to use a hand sanitiser as well.