BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Shoving eggs in butts

The co-Bellends of the Month for September 2014 are Nathan Smith and his half brother Daniel Yeates. They are the two men charged in the death of Phillip Coombs, who was found with a shaved head, his left eyebrow missing, obscene writing on his head, and two hard-boiled eggs up his butt. It may sound funny, but it's not because a) Coombs died, and b) Smith and Yeates are facing charges of sexual assault by penetration and assault causing bodily harm in the January death of Coombs. The court in Bristol heard alcoholic Coombs passed out at Yeates' house after a bout of heavy drinking and taking drugs. It was then that Coombs was "subjected to a series of degrading acts, which included shaving his head, his left eyebrow, pubic hair; writing with pen on his head, cutting his right buttock, and then inserting two hard-boiled eggs into his anus," prosecutor Sarah Regan was quoted telling the court. It is important to note the accused men are not charged with Coombs' death, just the degrading abuse he suffered in what appears to be a drunken prank. And one must remember that it's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt.

Yellow, meet yellow

That's right, people - on the back of Krusty's father dying and Family Guy visiting Springfield, The Simpsons will soon begin streaming in China, as part of a new multi-year deal between Fox and Sohu, a minor colossus in the competitive world of Chinese Web portals. While more popular sites like Baidu and Sina Weibo have won over young users by investing in gaming and social networking, Sohu, an early pioneer on the Chinese Internet, has turned to streaming video. Partnerships with Hollywood have proved to be an effective, though scattershot, way of attracting traffic: if you license four hundred movies and TV series at once, and dump them behind a very modest paywall, some are bound to find an audience. Even a show as exotic to the typical Chinese teenager as Gossip Girl can be assured tens of thousands of devoted viewers. So look around the web - you can always find something just as good.

West Ham hammed at the hands of LVG

Wayne Rooney scored and was red-carded as Manchester United secured a hard-earned 2-1 triumph over West Ham at Old Trafford. Rooney and Robin van Persie gave the Reds a commanding early lead but Diafra Sakho's effort, also before the break, made for a nervous second half, exacerbated by the decision to send off the home skipper with around half an hour still to go. Other than the red card, there were no other cards shown, but at least Loser van Gaal didn't lose again. It remains to be seen, though, whether a Dutchman can be a viable replacement for Sir Alex, and if not, the club can always fire him late in the season like they did with Moyes.

Canes Ahoy!

Lawmakers in the conservative Muslim Indonesian province of Aceh have passed a law that punishes gay sex by public caning and subjects non-Muslims to the region's strict interpretation of Islamic sharia law. Human rights groups have said the law violates international treaties signed by Indonesia protecting the rights of minorities and women. Gay rights activist King Oey urged the central government's new moderate leadership to use its influence to overturn the law, or appeal it at the Constitutional Court. "It's discriminatory and saddening," he said. "We urge people who are concerned with human rights will not sit by silently." The measure was passed by the 69-member assembly unanimously this morning (their time) after hours of debate, just days before a new 81-member regional parliament takes over next week, said lawmaker Mahyaruddin Yusuf from the Islamic-based Prosperous Justice Party. The law says anal sex between men is punishable by up to 100 lashes of the cane. Women found guilty of "rubbing" their body parts against each other for sexual pleasure are also liable for caning. That's right, caning - over something one doesn't choose. It's a violation of their right to be different, and besides, there is the chance they may enjoy it (or so the stereotype goes). And besides, people convicted of adultery, gambling, and consuming alcohol already face caning, as do women wearing tight clothes and people who skip Friday Muslim prayers.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

It was as good as they said it would be. Seriously, people, go see it. Like, right now.

The cast just keeps getting bigger

Today saw the announcement that Liam Neeson and John Slattery would be in the Ted sequel. Unlike Morgan Freeman's part, which was revealed two weeks ago as a famous civil rights attorney that Ted will seek legal advice from, their parts are unknown. Freeman two weeks ago, Dennis Haysbert one week ago, and Neeson just now. Every week this film gets more actors. So far, Ted 2 features the return of a number of the original cast (Mark Wahlberg, Jessica Barth, Patrick Warburton, and maybe Mila Kunis in a limited role), people recruited from Seth MacFarlane's other movie A Million Ways to Die in the West (Neeson and Amanda Seyfried), and some newcomers (Slattery, Michael Dorn, and Richard Schiff). The weird thing about this is by the end of the year, dead people could be announcing their cameos. Maybe I'm just exaggerating, but this could be the only 2015 release to feature Marlon Brando, the original Lassie, and the ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz. If that happens, then Robin Williams could possibly come back from the dead for a cameo.

Fighting feminism with fire

Harry Potter star Emma Watson gave a speech at the United Nations urging men to join the fight for gender equality. Hackers have threatened to leak nude photos of the actress who stood up for a social cause. According to media reports, the 4chan website page which leaked nude celebrity pictures few days prior shows a countdown which says that images of the Harry Potter star would hit the internet in about four days. Late last night, under a photo of a weeping Watson and a countdown clock that had ticked down to zero, a message read, “We will launch earlier, tune in on September 24, 2014”. The user also posted “Watson makes stupid feminist speeches at UN, and now her nudes will be online, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH,” claiming that it is really going to happen and added, “feminist bitch was going to show the world she was as much of a whore as any woman,” media reported. That's not cool. Just because you don't agree with someone else's views doesn't give you the right to act like such a bellend. And besides, men should join the fight for gender equality.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Waiting for good shows to air in your country

Seriously, people, it's not worth it. Remember when Pam Dawber was on The Crazy Ones? I was brave enough to jump the queue, download it from The Pirate Bay, watch it, and review it here (click here to read it, but beware - it's combined with the Friday Film Beat for Noah) within just hours of it airing in the States instead of waiting seven long months for it to air in New Zealand like a chump. I am doing the same for Fox's new superhero series Gotham. A review of episode one will be posted here as soon as possible once I've watched it.

UPDATE: Here's the review I promised you - It. Was. Awesome. Just one episode in and I'm already hooked. It has only been 12 hours since it started on the East Coast and I'm already one of the first in New Zealand to have seen such a masterpiece. Can't wait for next week's episode.

LVG back to losing ways

Manchester United twice threw away a two-goal lead over Leicester City this morning to slip to a 5-3 defeat at King Power Stadium. Robin van Persie and Angel Di Maria put the Reds ahead within the first 16 minutes, before Leonardo Ulloa pulled one back almost immediately. Ander Herrera made it 3-1 early in the second half, but a controversial penalty, converted by David Nugent, sparked an astonishing turnaround. Esteban Cambiasso, Jamie Vardy, and an Ulloa spot-kick condemned United to a defeat that seemed almost impossible when Herrera had scored. Loser van Gaal made one change to the side that had eased to victory over QPR, handing Radamel Falcao his first start in place of Juan Mata. Not only did the Reds lose and one person per side get shown a yellow card, an afternoon to forget was sealed when Tyler Blackett fouled Vardy, earning a straight red card before Ulloa converted the spot-kick to confirm Leicester's victory.

Bitcoin headed for the pits

While many venture capitalists remain enthusiastic about the crypto-currency, this has not been a good season for Bitcoin. Since reaching a July high of nearly US$650, the price of Bitcoin has been on a steady decline. On Friday, it dropped below US$400. Why? It's called the burst of a bubble. All other such bubbles will one day burst. And speaking of burst, an accountant's face was "burst open" after an ex-colleage kicked him "full force" in the face in a pitch assault during a football match between friends. John Ryan, also an accountant, injured Connor Gaffney after the pair fought over a disputed tackle during the five-a-side game, which happened at the ESB Sports Co, South Lotts Road, Ringsend on 6 September 2013. Mr Gaffney told Dublin District Court his face was "burst open" after Mr Ryan aimed a "running kick" at him during the scuffle. Other players described the dispute as "handbags" before Mr Ryan lost his temper and kicked Mr Gaffney. Mr Ryan denied assaulting Mr Gaffney, saying he did not kick him deliberately and any contact that was made was in self defence as the victim punched him. Judge Bryan Smyth refused to accept the kick was accidental. He found Mr Ryan guilty of assault causing harm to Mr Gaffney and adjourned the case for a restorative justice programme report.

All caped up and no place to go

Supergirl now has a home. That's right, people of Earth - CBS has landed the high-profile DC Comics adaptation, handing out a hefty series commitment. The hourlong drama, taken out last week, centers on Kara Zor-El, Superman's cousin, who was born on the planet Krypton and escaped amid its destruction years ago. Since arriving on Earth, she has been hiding the powers she shares with her famous cousin. But now at age 24, she decides to embrace her superhuman abilities and be the hero she was always meant to be. The Supergirl pickup also means all five of the broadcast networks could have superhero-themed series on the air next season, with DC properties on four of the five. Fox on Monday launches its highly anticipated Batman prequel Gotham — which like Supergirl started with a series commitment; NBC has Hellblazer and Constantine due in October; CW has Flash and Arrow; and ABC, via Disney's deal with Marvel, has Agents of SHIELD and bridge series Agent Carter. For its part, Netflix also has four Marvel series and a mini, starting with Daredevil, but for Americans stuck with the Big Five, assuming at least one superhero show per network is renewed for 2015-16, there will no escaping the capes come next fall no matter which network your TV is tuned into (unless, of course, you plan your viewing in such a way that not one second of the superhero goodness pollutes your screen). And for you guys living elsewhere, you will have to either wait for them to air in your country (case in point: the episode of The Crazy Ones which guest-starred Pam Dawber still hasn't aired in New Zealand yet and isn't scheduled to do so until the 10th of November, which is exactly seven months after its original air date in the States) or download them off The Pirate Bay minutes after original broadcast like I'm going to do with Gotham and Agents of SHIELD this season.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: The Giver

Before we start our weekly film review, let's discuss t' referendum in Scotland. T' votes be in and it's lookin' t' be a no result for t' question "Should Scotland be an independent country?"

Now onto t' film review. This week, it be T' Giver. Based on t' 1993 novel by Lois Lowry, T' Giver be set in a society which be at first presented as utopian then gradually appear more and more dystopian. On Rotten Tomatoes, t' film holds a ratin' o' 33%, based on 114 reviews, with an average ratin' o' 5.3/10. T' consensus states: "Phillip Noyce directs T' Giver with visual grace, but t' movie doesn't dig deep enough into t' classic source material's thought-provokin' ideas." On Metacritic, t' film holds a score o' 47 out o' 100, based on 33 critics, indicatin' "mixed or average reviews." Richard Roeper gave t' film a "C", statin' that “t' magic [of t' novel] gets lost in translation”, but that t' film had its heart in t' starboard place. But don't let such mixed reviews fool ye. Ye should go see it an' make up ye own mind.

iOS 8 has finally arrived

While the people of Scotland are busy voting on whether or not to end a union with England dating back to 1707, Apple have released the latest version of its mobile operating system for iPhone and iPad users. Some new features include support for third-party keyboards (such as Swype), Touch ID for third-party apps, and new widgets for quick app alerts in the notification center. iOS 8 is compatible with any iPhone that's 4S or later, the fifth-generation iPod Touch, or any iPad released from the second generation on. Some features are specific to the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus, including Apple Pay. The mobile payments service, which works with the NFC chip in the new iPhones, will launch through an iOS 8 update for the 6 and 6 Plus in October. If your iDevice is compatible, you can download the software now by going to the settings app (Settings > General > Software Update) or by plugging your device into iTunes. Apple will also be shipping iOS 8 on its new iPhones, the 6 and 6 Plus. But don't count on an app called MiQueue to deduce which store will get your new iPhone the fastest because Apple has barred it from its App Store. MiQueue is the handicraft of a San Francisco startup called Miego Apps that crowdsources the dissemination of iPhone 6 line wait times so that people could choose where to go to buy Apple's latest smart phone. The app was designed to work by letting anyone waiting in line at an Apple Store share the wait time for buying an iPhone 6 or 6 Plus. That information would then be fed to other MiQueue users.

Droppin' the 'droid the Apple way

Apple releases iOS 8 tomorrow, and its next generation of iPhone later this week. With the new models approaching larger Android phones in terms of screen size, the company appears to be expecting a lot of people will make the switch from Samsung, HTC, and other devices to its iPhone. To that end, it's provided a guide to moving all your stuff from Android to iOS. The guide explains how new users can transfer their photos, music, documents, contacts, and calendars from their old device to their new one. It says users can utilize iTunes and iCloud to move information over, but the guide shows that Apple hasn't spent a lot of time making tools for moving data between operating systems. The company calls out a set of third-party apps of questionable quality — including AT&T's Mobile Transfer — as one of the best options for transferring data between devices. It's also not particularly useful in helping you continue to use your favorite apps: Apple says you'll "probably" find the ones you like, but you'll need to head to the App Store and dig them out yourself. To see what all the fuss is about, click here.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: All these celebrity deaths

Had she not died the day after Robin Williams, Lauren Bacall would be 90 today. Earlier this month, Joan Rivers joined them, and last week, British actor Sir Donald Sinden died at his home aged 90 following a long illness. He made his name on stage as a Shakespearean actor and appeared in more than 70 film and TV productions. He had been suffering from prostate cancer for several years, and died of the disease at his home in Kent. Although renowned for his theatre work, he was arguably best known to the masses for his TV appearances in the sitcom Never the Twain and the BBC legal drama Judge John Deed. But it's not as big a tragedy as the Colombian women's cycling team's new racing kit. The figure-hugging kit involves a flesh coloured section across the torso that gives the illusion the women are wearing nothing around their crotch.

Loser van Gaal fails to lose

Manchester United sealed a first win of the 2014/15 season yesterday as the Reds, inspired by new signing Angel Di Maria, romped to a 4-0 win over Queens Park Rangers at Old Trafford, and pulled it off without anybody on either side getting yellow-carded. Di Maria, playing his first match for the Reds in front of the home crowd, was in sizzling form throughout and he kicked off the scoring on 24 minutes with a curling free-kick. He played a part in United's second goal from Ander Herrera, before Wayne Rooney added a third before half-time. Di Maria then set up Juan Mata for a fourth after almost an hour. However, one win isn't going to be enough to reverse Man United's fortunes. They need to stay at the top of their game for the whole season to take back the title.

Love in more that just the name of Christ

A Pennsylvania teenager is staring at a possible jail sentence after he simulated sex acts with a Jesus statue (pictured) and later uploaded the pictures to social media. The young man posted that he took the pictures in late July at the statue of a kneeling Jesus in front of the “Love in the Name of Christ” Christian organization in his hometown of Everett, and now stands accused of the rare charge of desecration of a venerated object, which state law says involves "Defacing, damaging, polluting, or otherwise physically mistreating in a way that the actor knows will outrage the sensibilities of persons likely to observe or discover the action." The teen, whose name has not been released, could face up to two years in a juvenile jail if convicted. The Bedford County district attorney, Bill Higgins, made it known he was taking the charge against the teen seriously since the 14-year-old boasted and publicly posted the photographs, and I can tell you now it would've been much worse if he had actually whipped it out and it was touching the statue's mouth.

Blade Runner runnin' to jail on lesser charge

Oscar Pistorius has been found guilty not of murder, but of culpable homicide. However, there's more to tonight's post because customers may have to wait three to four weeks to get their hands on Apple Inc's iPhone 6 Plus, after a record number of orders for the company's latest smartphones strained available supply. The new iPhone 6 goes on sale this coming Friday in the United States but the company began taking online orders on Thursday. While the larger 5.5-inch "Plus" models now display a wait time of up to a month, the 4.7-inch version remains available for delivery on Sept. 19, Apple's website showed. Verizon Wireless, AT&T, and Sprint all showed shipment delays of up to six weeks on their respective websites. Apple said the pace of orders has so far outstripped any of its previous iPhones. I'm not surprised at this. Of course Apple will release a much better phone each year, especially now that Steve Jobs and his one-size-fits-all approach are no longer with us. And when they release next year's model, it will be huge. So don't settle for Android.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: Into the Storm

How can I put this one? Clumsily scripted and populated with forgettable characters, Into the Storm has little to offer beyond its admittedly thrilling special effects, but the special effects work is basically flawless, and you absolutely get what you arguably came to see. You want big-screen images of insanely large-scale tornadoes and big-scale devastation and disaster carnage? Into the Storm gives you plenty of rock-solid disaster porn. Don't let the not-so-flash reviews (a 20% approval rating with an average score of 4.3/10 based on 127 reviews at Rotten Tomatoes, and a score of 44 out of 100 based on 30 reviews at Metacritic) fool you.

Atmosphere got mo' 'zone

Oscar Pistorius has been found not guilty on charges of premeditated murder, however, lesser charges against the disgraced Paralympian turned Olympian remain pending at time of posting. One man that won't have to worry about that is Bond villain Richard Kiel, who has died at the age of 74. But enough about that because thirteen years after the World Trade Center fell to the ground in what some conspiracy theorists believe to be an inside job, we finally have some good news about the environment - the giant hole in Earth’s ozone layer is shrinking. The atmospheric layer that protects Earth’s inhabitants from the sun’s harmful ultraviolet rays is slowly rebuilding itself, according to a United Nations report published yesterday. Scientists credit the recovery to the phasing out of chemicals used in refrigerators, air conditioners, and aerosol cans in the 1980s. “It’s a victory for diplomacy and for science and for the fact that we were able to work together,” said chemist Mario Molina, who won a Nobel Prize for his research into the ozone layer.

iPhones become insanely greater

For the first time in years, Apple's iPhones aren't the star of the show. Apple unveiled a smartwatch, a wearable device that marks the company's first major entry in a new product category since the iPad's debut in 2010. The move is significant because of recent questions about whether Apple still has a knack for innovating following the 2011 death of co-founder Steve Jobs. The device's introduction upstaged the company's two new, larger iPhones, which won't just have bigger screens - they will also have a horizontal viewing mode to take advantage of the larger display. The iPhone 6 will have a screen measuring 4.7 inches, while the iPhone 6 Plus will be 5.5 inches. In both cases, app developers will be able to design apps that can be viewed differently when the phone is held horizontally. New Zealanders will not have long to wait with the new iPhone 6 available for pre-order from September 26. The iPhone 6 will retail from NZ$999 for 16GB to NZ$1,299 for a 128GB version, and the large-screen iPhone 6 Plus will go on sale from NZ$1,149 for 16GB to NZ$1,449 for 128GB. Apple fans waiting for the new iWatch however will have to wait just a little longer, with the product not set for release until early next year - and Apple gave no indication yet of pricing for the iWatch, but it's a product I will definitely consider purchasing at some point.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Poor patient care

In April of 2011, James Clarke, who was paralysed in a motorbike accident in 2009, choked on a feeding tube after it became blocked in his throat at his home in the West Midlands. A recently concluded inquest into his death heard how two female carers were supposed to be monitoring him every 15 minutes throughout the night - but only checked on him every three hours. Instead, Beverley Kent and Mandy Evans watched TV and played on their phones while the quadriplegic patient they were supposed to be supervising so his mother could have a night off suffocated to death in his own room. Emergency services were called to the address after the carers found him unresponsive at 6am (British Summer Time) when his feeding peg bleeped. The inquest at Smethwick Council House heard Mrs Evans gave chest compressions under instruction from 999 handlers until the ambulance arrived. However rigor mortis had started to set in, further resuscitation attempts proved unsuccessful, and he was declared dead at the scene. Black Country coroner Robin Balmain slammed Mr Clarke's quality of care and ruled his death was due to neglect. He said he would be writing to the Care Quality Commission demanding answers about the standard of care provided. The coroner ruled that Mr Clarke, who a tracheotomy tube fitted to enable him to breathe following his accident, died of asphyxiation after the tube became blocked. Mr Balmain blasted Complete Care Service - the company in charge of his care package - and described their approach as 'profit over performance.' He also criticised the Walsall Clinical Commissioning Group (CCG), which employed the firm, for not checking that the correct care was being given. Mr Balmain concluded that Mr Clarke's death on April 4, 2011 was due to neglect compounding injuries suffered in the motorcycle accident. However, he said he sympathised with the carers, describing their training as 'slapdash' and said 'insufficient attention' was given by Walsall CCG as to what the care company was doing. Mr Balmain added: 'They seem to have missed some pretty obvious failings.' This is why you must exercise due care when making such an important decision like who should fill in for you on your night off. If you absolutely must take some time off from caring for a disabled person, make sure the carer/s filling in for you will actually do their jobs. And if you're employed in this field, DO YOUR JOB AND DO IT RIGHT. It's what you're paid for.

Wills and Kate and George Plus One

That's right, everyone, the Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant with her second child. Kensington Palace said the Queen and members of both families were delighted with the news. The palace said that - as when she was pregnant with Prince George - the duchess was suffering from very acute morning sickness and was being treated by doctors at Kensington Palace. The baby will become fourth in line to the throne, moving poor Prince Harry further down the line of succession. But enough about that because Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei underwent prostate surgery this morning at a Tehran hospital. Khamenei’s website characterized the procedure as “successful” without giving the underlying cause. The official Islamic Republic News Agency described it as an “ordinary operation.” And the 75-year-old Khamenei himself took an upbeat tone in a pre-surgery television interview. “God willing, things will go well,” he said in the interview. “There’s no need to be worried but it doesn’t mean that people shouldn’t pray.” And it doesn't mean his prostate won't give out eventually.

JohnPix by RPD

When a man is caught soliciting a prostitute, the punishment police hand out is usually far less than what they will find at home when their wife or girlfriend finds out. So police in California are using the tactic of shaming Johns by posting their pictures online, in hopes the embarrassment being shared with the public will be enough to curb prostitution. The Bay Area city of Richmond is the latest to start the tactic, and already locals are seeing a difference. While Richmond police have written a disclaimer saying all suspects are innocent until proven guilty, and say they will take down the pictures if the charges are dropped or defeated; defense attorneys and legal experts have cautioned against the tactic, saying it could still prove damaging to those who are eventually found innocent of the crime. For instance, what happens when charges are dismissed or acquitted? Will their mug shots live on in a Google cache only to be discovered by neighbours, employers, and family members years later? Once information is made available on the Internet, it is captured and recaptured, so it is never erasable, and even when it does get taken down, someone might have kept a copy for their own personal collection and be able to put it back up, and from there the whole crazy cycle will start again.

Rivers crosses the river

American comedian Joan Rivers, who was born Joan Alexandra Molinsky, has died aged 81. For those who put stock in signs and patterns, the fact that her death comes so quickly after the loss of Robin Williams and the actress Lauren Bacall, will not escape notice. Rivers, who was hospitalised last week after a heart attack during a routine surgical procedure, has been on a life support system since last weekend. Her family made the decision to take the iconic comedian off life support yesterday. It is understood she died shortly after. Outspoken, opinionated, and full of fire, Rivers will be remembered as that rarest of personalities: a force of nature. Her excoriating wit was almost without peer, and her catchphrase - "Can we talk?" - forever associated with her diminutive form, typically wielding a fur, hands clutching at the air, spewing one-liners to an audience. Ultimately, however, she will be remembered for one extraordinary quality: she made us laugh. Big deal - so did Robin Williams. Speaking of which, after weeks of speculation, a group of World of Warcraft players stumbled across an “Aladdin”-quoting genie tribute to Robin Williams in a test version of the game. Gamers at the WoWhead fan site discovered the character on Thursday, when a user named Haldhur posted an image of the genie and its coordinates on the expansive role-playing game’s world map. Thus ended weeks of searching prompted by game maker Blizzard’s promise to include a Williams tribute following the actor’s death in August. The blue genie, named “Robin,” emerges from an “Ever-Burning Lamp” when players interact with the object. Then, the genie quotes one of the best lines from the Williams-voiced genie character: “INFINITE COSMIC POWER!” he says, before shrinking, waving, and adding, “itty-bitty living space.” A few weeks ago, users found evidence of two other versions of the “Robin” character that appear to be references to “Mork and Mindy” and “Mrs. Doubtfire.” These versions don’t yet appear in the game.

FRIDAY FILM BEAT: The Inbetweeners 2

I can sum this one up in just a few words: much funnier than the last one. Go see it.

Professional swindler outlives both his children

Andrew Madoff, the last surviving son of the convicted swindler Bernie Madoff, has died at 48 in a Manhattan hospital, where he had been undergoing treatment for cancer. A family lawyer, Martin Flumenbaum, said the cause was mantle-cell lymphoma, for which Mr. Madoff had been treated since early 2013. His older brother, Mark, committed suicide in 2010. The two brothers attracted worldwide attention in December 2008 after they alerted federal agents that their father, a respected Wall Street statesman, had confessed to them that his private investment management business was a vast Ponzi scheme. Based on that report, the senior Mr. Madoff was arrested on Dec. 11, 2008, just in time to get on Santa's naughty list. Ruth Madoff, slowly rebuilding her life, called her husband’s crime “beyond anything imaginable.” After the arrest, it became clear that his fraud was one of the largest Ponzi schemes in history, with paper losses of almost $65 billion, cash losses of about $17 billion and tens of thousands of victims ranging from Swiss private bankers to labor union pension funds to notable charities and universities. Bernard Madoff, now 76, pleaded guilty in March 2009 and is serving a 150-year sentence in a federal prison in North Carolina. He will be 221 years old by the time he gets out in 2159 (if he lives that long).

Lest we forget

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Rape

CeeLo Green took to Twitter today to make an attempt to define what rape is, shortly after pleading no contest for charges that he slipped a woman ecstasy without her consent in 2012. The 39-year-old took to Twitter to defend himself, replying to users’ comments on the case with a series of bizarre statements about rape. “If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously,” he said, adding, “People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!” Just because one's passed out doesn't mean they can't be raped. If he tried that one on during the trial, it could set a precedent for somebody on any sort of charge to claim it's not a crime just because their victim was unconscious at the time. Quoting from one of that loser's songs, forget him. But don't forget Keanu Reeves, because it's the Matrix star's 50th birthday today. It is also Daniel arap Moi's 90th and Mark Harmon's 63rd.

Reds fail to burn Burnley

Manchester United's frustrating start to the season continued yesterday morning after a 0-0 draw with Burnley at Turf Moor. Having weathered an early storm, Loser van Gaal's side dominated possession but were unable to capitalise with Robin van Persie going closest for the Reds just after the break when his shot was cleared off the line. United also had two strong penalty appeals overlooked when Ashley Young was seemingly shoved over in the area and late on when the same player's shot hit namesake Ashley Barnes on the arm. Also, two players were booked, but that's not the problem here. The problem is that the Reds need Sir Alex back, or at the very least David Moyes.