WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Downton Abbey

Downton Abbey sucks. Seriously, people, it's the worst show ever made. I would rather be shot in the balls than watch that crap. It is even responsible for ruining a perfectly serviceable scene about 30 minutes into the new Iron Man movie, where it is shown on a TV in a hospital. A hospital? The patients in there are sick enough as it is. So don't even bother.

Now that that fact-based TV review is over, as is this month, we will reveal that the Bellend of the Month for April 2013 is Elizabeth Anne Cowles. She is a club treasurer from Geraldine (in the South Island of New Zealand) who stole $79,000 from community groups, and early this month, she was sentenced to six months' home detention. This is too lenient considering the amount stolen and the charges she faced, namely misuse of a document and theft by a person in a special relationship. She should've gone to jail for doing something that stupid.

Drawn but not de-throned

Manchester United’s first outing as Barclays Premier League champions this morning may have ended in a 1-1 draw against Arsenal – and with it the potential to set a new record points total – but the events at Emirates Stadium were undeniable entertainment to begin the Reds’ four-match victory parade. Arsenal played their part in a clash that recalled at least some of the quality and commitment of old in this fixture. Theo Walcott scored for Arsenal and Robin van Persie scored for Man United. Both goal-scorers were yellow-carded at some point in the match, as were five other players.

Clear as a Bell

A strain of bacteria has been created that can produce fuel. Researchers genetically modified E. coli bacteria to convert sugar into an oil that is almost identical to conventional diesel. If the process could be scaled up, this synthetic fuel could be a viable alternative to fossil fuel. But enough about that because the voice of Alexander Graham Bell has been identified for the first time, in a recording from 1885. On the wax-disc recording, the telephone inventor says: "Hear my voice, Alexander Graham Bell." The recording is among the earliest held by the Smithsonian Institution, which runs the National Museum of American History. Bell's voice was recorded on to the disc on 15 April 1885 at his Volta laboratory in Washington. The clip has been posted online, click here to hear it.

Guess who's back, back again? Dreamliner's back, tell a friend!

An Ethiopian Airlines flight has taken off from Addis Ababa, and is travelling to Nairobi in Kenya at time of writing. So where's the fanfare in that? It is the first commercial flight by the Boeing 787 Dreamliner since all 787s were grounded in January. The 50 787s in service around the world were grounded due to battery malfunctions that saw one 787 catch fire in the US. Over the past week, teams of Boeing engineers have been fitting new batteries to the aircraft. This was after aviation authorities approved the revamped battery design. In other plane-related news, New York police say what appears to be part of the landing gear of one of jets flown into the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001 has been found. The 5ft (1.52m) piece of metal, which bears a Boeing label and serial number, was wedged between two New York City buildings, police said. It was found on Wednesday by surveyors inspecting a lower Manhattan building. But enough about that historic find because starting on Monday, 5,000 Britons will be challenging themselves to live on just £1 a day for five days, as part of a campaign by the Global Poverty Project. But is it possible not just to survive, but also to eat a balanced and healthy diet on that sort of budget? Let's wait and see. It could be something worth trying. And speaking of trying, a US citizen is soon to go on trial on charges including attempting to overthrow North Korea's government, according to the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA). KCNA says that Pae Jun-Ho, who is known in the US as Kenneth Bae, has admitted the charges, without specifying when the trial will start. Pae/Bae was held last year after entering North Korea as a tourist.

Forget the hands on your watch

Now you can make your car glow in the dark. A heavily modified Volkswagen Golf has been wrapped with a phosphorescent coating that makes the car appear white in daylight and glow green in dark surrounds. The German hatchback has been modified by tuners Low-Car-Scene and Blackbox-Richter, and features what’s called a "phosphor-foil wrap" from texture and coating specialists 3M on the body of the car and the wheels. The body flips from white to green in the dark, while the wheels and striped highlights change from pink to black. Its modifiers have labelled it the Golf VII Light-Tron.

In other automotive news, Toyota has unveiled a "no frills" electric car concept that it claims offers the practicality of four cars in one. The Toyota ME.WE concept, designed by the Japanese brand and European industrial designer Jean-Marie Massaud, can be configured as a ute (pickup truck), off-roader, semi-convertible, or a city car. The name ME.WE stems from the car's apparent "concern for individual freedom" (that's the 'ME' bit) and its "responsibility towards society" (that's the ‘WE' part). The Yaris-sized five-seater is designed to be an eco-warrior, with recyclable materials used through the body and the cabin. It features weight-saving polypropylene body panels that save about 180 kilograms over steel, a bamboo floor and dash, and a lightweight aluminium underbody. It weighs just 750kg but despite its lithe kerb weight, it still features a four-wheel-drive system. There's a bank of batteries under the body of the car, and four in-wheel electric motors for constant propulsion, even on slippery surfaces. Inside the ME.WE has a simple interior with polypropylene bench seats that the company claims can be taken out of the car and used as picnic chairs. It features a smartphone docking station, with an app for sat-nav guidance and controlling the car's air temperature. The back-end can extend into a ute-like tray for carting longer parcels, and the roof section features a luggage hold with an expandable neoprene cover. It's looking to be one amazing car, but it would be even nicer with the glow-in-the-dark coating on the VW also mentioned here today.

That's enough car talk for one day because a top United States Senate Democrat says the advertising industry is ignoring consumers' requests not to be tracked online and that it's probably time for federal regulation. Senator Jay Rockefeller of West Virginia delivered the threat in his opening remarks at a congressional hearing Wednesday on his proposal to impose a "Do Not Track" list that companies would have to honour unless they want to face penalties by the Federal Trade Commission.

Curse-laden email goes viral

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f***ing ride.

Does that line sound familiar to you? If not, then you haven't been paying attention to current events. I'll fill you in: a sorority sister's hostile, profanity-laden email to other members in her chapter regarding their sociability has been widely circulated, inciting controversy, parody, and possible inquiry on the part of both the university and the chapter's national organisation. After the email was made public online, it has sparked thousands of comments ranging from support to ridicule. The email gained even more attention when it was parodied on the comedy video website Funny or Die by Oscar-nominated actor Michael Shannon in a four-minute dramatic reading. The student, who was later identified as Rebecca Martinson, is a member of Delta Gamma's Beta Sigma chapter at the University of Maryland at College Park. She sent an email to her sorority sisters following their week-long events with another fraternity on campus. In the over-the-top email, the woman said the feedback she received from fraternity members portrayed the chapter as "awkward" and "boring" and the sorority sisters needed to shape up.

Apparently, there are 41 F-bombs all up in the email. Click here to read it.

CHAMPIONS 20|13

Sergio Aguero snatched away the title in the last minute last season. It broke the hearts of all the Manchester United fans to pieces, but above all it affected an old man. That man woke up next morning and was in the office at 7am even though the season was over, just to get started with the preparations for the next season. That old man just grabbed his team their 20th title. That old man, Sir Alex Ferguson, just took back what was his! That's right, Manchester United are the champions of England for a record-extending 20th time (13th in the Premier League era), after a swaggering first-half display of champagne football yesterday morning overcame Aston Villa at Old Trafford. The scoring can be summed up in just a few words: a hat-trick by Robin van Persie. Patrice Evra was the only player to receive a yellow card in this historic match.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Books

Yes, books. And yet, April 23 is all about them. Why? In 1995, UNESCO decided that the World Book and Copyright Day would be celebrated on this date, because the date is the anniversary of the birth and death of William Shakespeare; the death of Miguel de Cervantes, Inca Garcilaso de la Vega, and Josep Pla; and the birth of Maurice Druon, Manuel Mejía Vallejo, and Halldór Laxness. Who cares? A book is nothing more than several sheets of paper stacked and bound together. It is a waste of trees, so if you must read, please just stick to electronic copies. It will be easier on your wallet too because there are websites where you can find copies of several popular novels for free.

Boston bomber case nowhere near finish line

Today is the 20th anniversary of one of the worst hate crimes in British history. Specifically, we are talking about the murder of Stephen Lawrence, in a racist attack at a south London bus stop. An inquiry into the slow response by the Metropolitan Police labelled them institutionally racist, for their slow response in pursuing the attackers. Gary Dobson and David Norris were finally found guilty of the murder in January 2012. But we also have a present-day murderer on our hands: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. He is one of the two bellends suspected of bombing the finish line at the Boston Marathon. He was captured on Friday evening after a huge manhunt during which Tsarnaev's elder brother and suspected fellow bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, died. US federal prosecutors are now preparing charges against Dzhokhar as more details emerge of his capture. If he is charged with using a weapon of mass destruction to kill people, he could face the death penalty, as should former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, who has been ordered back to prison from military hospital. Mr Mubarak's retrial will open on 11 May, a Cairo appeals court says. He is charged alongside his former interior minister and six former security chiefs with complicity in the murder and attempted murder of hundreds of protesters in January 2011. The retrial was meant to begin on 13 April but collapsed when the presiding judge withdrew from the case.

From pot to shot

Gunfire erupted at a Denver pot celebration yesterday, injuring two people and scattering a crowd of thousands at a downtown park after they had just marked the first 4/20 counterculture holiday since the state legalized marijuana. The man and woman who were shot were expected to survive, and police were looking for one or two suspects, said Denver Police spokesman Sonny Jackson. Witnesses described a scene in which a jovial atmosphere quickly turned to one of panic just before 5 p.m. Several thought firecrackers were being set off, then a man fell bleeding, his dog also shot. Seriously, people, Denver has seen more than enough gun violence over the last 12 months. The Batman shootings were bad enough. Speaking of which, the prosecution seeking the death penalty against James Holmes in the Aurora theater shooting case wants to see what he's been doing in jail so that they can possibly use it against him during the penalty phase of trial if he is found guilty by a jury. In a new notice filed on Friday in Arapahoe District Court, District Attorney George Brauchler made a list of evidence he wants to see in order to establish a capital murder case, including "any video or audio recording of the defendant and/or any person he interacts with while incarcerated."

BP's worst mistake turns 3 today

Today is the third anniversary of one of Big Oil's worst contributions to recent history. That's right, I'm talking about Deepwater Horizon. But we have some good news: Pakistan's former leader Pervez Musharraf has appeared at an anti-terrorism court over claims he illegally detained judges in 2007. Mr Musharraf, who ruled Pakistan between 1999 and 2007, was arrested yesterday. The High Court ruled that the allegations amounted to an act of terrorism and ordered him to appear at Islamabad's anti-terror court. But Mr Musharraf has described the case against him as politically motivated. In other news, Allen H. Neuharth, the newspaper visionary and former Gannett chairman who founded USA TODAY, died yesterday at the age of 89 at his home in Cocoa Beach, Florida. He was an innovator who used satellite technology to create a national newspaper that has become the second largest in the United States.

Reds on home straight to taking back the title

Manchester United took time to hit anything like top gear at Upton Park yesterday morning, and had to settle for a 2-2 draw with West Ham, the same scoreline as the FA Cup third-round tie earlier in the season. Ricardo Vaz Te and Mohamed Diame scored for West Ham, and Antonio Valencia (his first goal of the season) and Robin van Persie scored for the Reds. Shinji Kagawa set up both of the Reds' goals. Discipline-wise, only Andy Carroll was shown a yellow card. The result means the Reds will be champions if six points are picked up from the last five games - even if Manchester City continue winning as they did that day by beating Wigan 1-0 at home, courtesy of Carlos Tevez's second-half strike.

Historic day for Middle Earth

Amid deafening cheers of joy and relief, the 150,000-strong gay community last night finally achieved full equality with other New Zealanders with the passage of a law allowing same-sex partners to marry. The milestone completed a social revolution which began with the decriminalisation of homosexuality in 1985, and confirmed this country as the 13th to make the leap to legalising gay marriage. The bill passed by the same margin as its second reading, 77 votes to 44. In other New Zealand-related news, New Zealanders will get Monday off when Waitangi and Anzac days next fall on a weekend. The Labour Party bill to move the day off for Waitangi Day and Anzac Day to Monday when it falls on a weekend passed its third reading last night by 61 votes to 60. That's right, two important laws passed means 100 percent improvement. But Australia are planning to bowl the good times underarm with a planned tower in Melbourne. Australia 108 is a towering 108-level Melbourne apartment/hotel block set to be one of the world's tallest buildings, and it could rise to 388m at 70 Southbank Boulevard near the Yarra, eclipsing Auckland Sky Tower's 328m. That will make the controversial new skyscraper the Southern Hemisphere's tallest building. But Auckland can still beat that by constructing a tower at least one kilometre tall.

Three dead due to a marathon of a bomb

Martin Richard was a bright, sunny 8-year-old who loved to ride his bike and scored the winning goal for his soccer team in a championship game last year. 29-year-old Krystle Campbell was the vivacious assistant manager of a steakhouse who could instantly smooth over diners' complaints with her smile. They were cheering on the sidelines of the Boston Marathon on Monday when two bombs went off, firing a blizzard of nails, ball bearings, and tiny daggers of shrapnel into the flesh of runners and spectators. The Dorchester boy and the Arlington woman were the first two confirmed dead in the attack, which injured more than 170 people. A third person killed has been identified as a Chinese citizen who attended Boston University as a graduate student. That's three perfectly good lives at an abrupt end because of the senseless and cold-hearted act of at least one bellend who wanted to ruin everyone else's good time. I'm sure North Korea had something to do with this.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Government

Yes, government. There can be some serious bellends in there. For instance, our Parliament has passed a controversial law outlawing protests that interfere with or damage oil exploration vessels, leaving protesters liable for a fine of up to NZ$100,000 for groups or NZ$50,000 for an individual. The new law also makes it an offence for people to get closer than 500 metres to a ship that is declared to have a "non-interference zone". Entering the zone could result in a NZ$10,000 fine. The Crown Minerals (Permitting and Crown Land) Bill governs the permitting systems for mining and mineral exploration, and had been relatively non-controversial until Energy Minister Simon Bridges introduced a late amendment establishing the new offences after it had been considered by the commerce committee. Mr Bridges said protests could impose significant costs on companies carrying out legitimate activities under permits and create very serious health and safety risks. I say too bad. Big Oil puts our health and safety at risk every day with their ghastly fossil fuels. And the new law is a PR stunt that sends a message to the oil companies that New Zealand's Government is prepared to do anything to get them here - it is prepared to sacrifice any democratic right or environmental standard in order to see this activity go ahead. It is nothing short of a tilting of the playing field constantly in favour of industry over the environment.

Reds rule Britannia Stadium

Manchester United got the title bid back on track this morning with a convincing 2-0 win at Stoke City that stretches the lead at the top of the Barclays Premier League to 15 points. After the derby defeat to Manchester City, a trip to a blustery Britannia Stadium against a team battling to avoid the drop was clearly a potential banana-skin but the Reds' class showed in testing conditions with Michael Carrick and Robin van Persie, from the penalty spot, grabbing the goals. Two players were yellow-carded during the match.

Bhullar stays on death row

India's Supreme Court has rejected a petition by a death row prisoner to commute his sentence to life in jail. The petition was filed by Devinder Pal Singh Bhullar on the basis that there had been "an inordinate delay" in deciding his mercy plea. He has been on death row since August 2001 for a 1993 attack in Delhi which killed nine. His plea, filed in 2002, was denied by the president in 2011, and for good reason. What one must remember is that nine people aren't around anymore because of that scumbag, so it doesn't seem right that Bhullar should get to live. And speaking of death, well-known hymns and poems will mark Baroness Thatcher's funeral on Wednesday, Downing Street says. Details of the ceremony have been published, including the hymns To Be A Pilgrim, I Vow to Thee My Country, and Love Divine, All Loves Excelling. The programme features lines from Wordsworth's Intimations of Immortality and TS Eliot's Little Gidding. Meanwhile, hundreds of people took part in a demonstration yesterday condemning Lady Thatcher in Trafalgar Square. The protesters danced and sang around a large effigy of the late prime minister and chanted slogans. Scotland Yard says nine people were arrested during the protest - five of them for being drunk and disorderly.

Screens turn blue in quest for strength

The next wave of smartphones and tablets might have super-sturdy screens fashioned from the human-made version of a gemstone. But which one? Manufactured sapphire. It's a substance already used to protect the camera lens on the iPhone 5 and to armour some military vehicles. It would also be an almost unbreakable alternative to the glass now used on the displays of mobile devices, according to a report in the MIT Technology Review. Sapphire is the second-hardest material on the planet, behind only diamond. According to the MIT report, a sapphire smartphone screen won't break if you drop it, and it can't be scratched with a car key or by a sidewalk. That's good news for you techies out there. The bad news is that currently, a sapphire display for a smartphone would cost about $30, compared with $3 for the screens made by Corning's Gorilla Glass, the protective cover that's on more than 1 billion devices. But enough about that because anyone who is in London when Margaret Thatcher's funeral takes place next Wednesday can expect it to "look very different" as a huge security operation swings into action, police said yesterday. Roads and Underground stations will be closed, police officers will be out in force, and members of the armed forces will line the route that the cortege will follow from Westminster to St. Paul's Cathedral. With Queen Elizabeth II and many other dignitaries among the more than 2,000 guests, the "ceremonial"-style funeral for Britain's first female prime minister was bound to be a security headache. The threat of possible demonstrations by anarchists and fears that dissident Irish Republicans may try to act have heightened concerns.

Random Access Memories comes to most random place

A remote farming town in Australia is set to hit the global stage next month after French electro-pop duo Daft Punk picked it for the global launch of their new album. Wee Waa, with a population of just 1,653 and about 500km northwest of Sydney, will host the official launch of Random Access Memories, Daft Punk's first album in eight years, local officials said. The album will be released on May 21 but it is set to be played for the first time anywhere in the world at an exclusive 4,000-ticket party at the annual Wee Waa agricultural show on May 17. Daft Punk themselves will not be attending, but the Wee Waa Show Society are claiming it as a major coup for the event, where the highlights are usually a pet show and wood-chopping contest. But I couldn't care less. They only have one good song out and no it's not on the new album. But there is something worth caring about from the convict-free side of the ditch: researchers in Christchurch and Otago are developing a new breakthrough test to help the World Anti-Doping Agency uncover drug cheats in sport, and if it works, then there will never be another Lance Armstrong.

From IVF to RIP

We are currently in a month that has already seen the deaths of Roger Ebert and Margaret Thatcher. But now we have another. Robert G. Edwards, who opened a new era in medicine when he joined a colleague in developing in vitro fertilization, enabling millions of infertile couples to bring children into the world and women to have babies even in menopause, died yesterday at his home near Cambridge, England. Dr. Edwards, who was awarded the Nobel Prize for his breakthrough, was 87. But enough about that because Christchurch project management firm Apollo Projects wants the Government to set a deadline on property owner decisions for development of the retail precinct in City Mall. Apollo has joined with Christchurch merchant bank Ocean Partners in the proposed $200 million One Cashel Square retail, hospitality, and office complex in the CBD. That partnership is vying with others to lead the development of the block bordered by City Mall, Lichfield St, and the Avon River; and it needs the more than a dozen landowners in the block to decide which development they support. I'm sure it will be a contentious race, but also contentious is the fact that the blogger holding a leaked Earthquake Commission (EQC) email with information on 83,000 Christchurch claimants says he is preparing to defy a court order stopping disclosure. The High Court in Wellington yesterday extended an order prohibiting any release of information from the email, accidentally leaked last week to Christchurch businessman Bryan Staples, of Earthquake Services. The blogger told The Press last night he was upset about not getting a hearing in court and believed he should have been given time to prepare his case. Sounds fair enough, but contempt of court is not necessarily the right way to play when it comes to issues like this. But had time been provided, he would have stopped releasing information until a hearing. He would also stop disclosing information from the email if EQC chief executive Ian Simpson agreed to debate several issues with him in a public forum. So with that in mind, they'd better get one underway.

City clawing back in

Man United may have lost yesterday morning's bout between Manchester’s heavyweights, but with a 12-point advantage and just seven games remaining, the Reds still remain on track to win the battle overall and reclaim the title from City. The matchday programme billed it as a ‘Game of Thrones’ – last season’s champions against this year’s most convincing pursuant of the title - and yet on the night no team would be de-throned, no crown bestowed upon this season’s champions. Not yet. That said, even with a robust 15-point advantage going into the fixture allowing room to manoeuvre, this was a match United desperately wanted to win as an assertion of dominance. But win they couldn't because after 90 minutes at Old Trafford and eight yellow cards shown to various bellends for various instances of misconduct, goals from James Milner and Sergio Aguero (before and after a Vincent Kompany own goal) gave victory on the night to the Blues. But if that wasn't trashy enough for you, check out this pic of a trash boat wearing a trash bag:

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: People who still do the Harlem Shake

Seriously, people. The Harlem Shake was never a good idea to begin with. This pic is exactly what I think of that stupid fad:


Gangnam Style is way better than that rubbish. But here's something that isn't rubbish: a good recipe idea which is suitable for either lunch or dinner. For dessert, try this or this.

A Zucker for the old sites

A blinking dinosaur eye. A nod to Eminem. A crude effort at connecting friends and "friends of friends." Were these the awkward first steps toward a multibillion-dollar social media empire? Some online sleuths think so, saying that a newly unearthed Angelfire page from 1999 appears to be the first website ever created by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. "Hi, my name is...Slim Shady," the site's creator wrote on its "About Me" page, referencing an Eminem song released that same year. "No, really, my name is Slim Shady. Just kidding, my name is Mark." Mark describes himself as 15 years old, having just completed his freshman year of high school in "a small town near the massive city of New York." But let's not dwell on that historic find any longer because Jim O'Neill, the Goldman Sachs economist who famously captured the globe's shifting economic power when he coined the "BRIC" acronym, now says the euro may not exist by 2020. O'Neill's views were aired at the Spring Ambrosetti Forum, where delegates gathered by the peaceful Lake Como. But unlike its serene waters, many delegates felt the future of the European Union, which has been destabilized by economic crisis and political infighting, remained murky. O'Neill, speaking to CNN at the forum, said: "If we carry on the same way as we are, by 2020 the euro might not exist."

Tax cheat gets out, celeb gets it out

Wesley Snipes was convicted of tax evasion in 2008, after being charged with failing to file tax returns from 1999-2001. After first reporting to a federal prison for said crimes in December 2010, he has now been released. He's not free to return to his everyday life just yet, though. Instead, Snipes was transferred to the New York Community Corrections Office, who will be in charge of overseeing his home confinement. Snipes will be under house arrest for the remainder of his sentence, ending July 19. But enough about that because poor Britney Spears paid a visit to Wardrobe Malfunction City when all she wanted to do was cheer on her sons at their soccer match. Spears wore a short, nearly sheer white dress to lounge around in the grass with her entourage at Jayden James and Sean Preston's game. But it seems it was a breezier day than Brit expected, as her dress flew up in the back to expose her bare derriere when she went walking around the field. The wardrobe malfunction apparently inspired the 31-year-old pop star to change outfits, for Spears was also photographed wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants at the same match. So to sum it up, oops, she did it again. But don't just take my word for it - you can check out the incriminating evidence here.

Long time freezing, short time melting

In what is a profound visual display of the earth’s increasingly warmer temperatures, glacial ice in the Andes that took a minimum of 1600 years to form has melted drastically in a mere 25 years, leaving behind a large pool of water framed by exposed rock and diminished beds of ice. As the ice melts, plants from thousands of years ago are being freed. Thanks a lot, big polluters. You really did the earth a solid there. But enough about that because hacking collective Anonymous has apparently selected its next high-profile target, in the shape of any sites or social network accounts related to North Korea, seizing control of Flickr and Twitter pages in the process. The activists cracked the Uriminzokkiri accounts and uploaded images of their own, in addition to claiming to have extracted 15,000 usernames and passwords from the site. Anonymous’ goal appears to be loosening the restrictions on internet access North Koreans face from their government, and I hope they can meet that goal.

Liestrong unable to Swimstrong

Lance Armstrong, who is serving a lifetime ban from Olympic sports because of serious doping violations, planned to return to athletic competition this week at a masters swimming event that does not test its athletes for drugs. But after learning of Armstrong’s entry, the International Swimming Federation put a stop to his plans. “I was told all along that I was more than welcome to compete in masters meets by U.S.M.S.,” Lance Armstrong said of U.S. Masters Swimming. “Then all of a sudden, I’m not welcome? I don’t get it.” But I do. Armstrong, who in January confessed to doping for each of his record seven Tour de France victories, was barred from this weekend’s event and future events sanctioned by U.S. Masters Swimming because that organization is overseen by swimming’s international federation, which adheres to World Anti-Doping Agency rules. Armstrong received his lifetime ban and was stripped of his Tour titles under those rules. Armstrong, who came clean about his doping partly in an effort to reduce his doping penalty because he wants to compete again, said that he was “extremely disappointed” that he could not compete in the meet. To quote Judge Judy, that falls under the category of tough. That lowlife maggot deserves to be banned for taking drugs, just like James Holmes deserves the death penalty for killing twelve moviegoers last July.

Super Sizer going 3D for 1D

Morgan Spurlock has been following Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik, and Liam Payne around in their personal lives as well as on stage. But what is it all for? Why, it must be the upcoming One Direction film. And Spurlock has lifted the lid on all the goings on behind the scenes filming 1D in 3D – and it’s basically exactly what you’d expect. With less clothes. “There are more shirtless moments than you can imagine,” the Super Size Me director revealed. “Now how many of those make it into the final film we’ll have to wait and see.” But they'd better dance Gangnam Style or else the ticket price would just be money spent in vain. But in another music-related story, Richie Sambora is bailing on the Bon Jovi world tour because of "personal issues," but it has nothing to do with substance abuse. It's all about a war that exploded between Jon and Richie. Sources directly connected to Bon Jovi tell TMZ that tensions between Jon and Richie have been running high for years and it's finally erupted. According to one source, "It's a classic Jagger/Richards blowup." And speaking of blowing stuff up, South Korea says North Korea has moved a missile with "considerable range" to its east coast after an unnamed spokesman for the North Korean army warned the U.S. yesterday that its military has been cleared to wage an attack using smaller, lighter, and diversified nuclear weapons. However, South Korea's defense minister has stated that the missile moved is not capable of hitting the United States.

Joker on the road to the chair

Justice will finally be served in the Aurora theatre shootings. That's right, the prosecution has announced it will seek the death penalty for James Eagan Holmes after rejecting a guilty plea offer by the defense. But the murder trial will not start until next year, and will go forward under a new judge. The defense was ready to allow Holmes to plead guilty in exchange for the prosecution taking the death penalty off the table. But a grim George Brauchler, district attorney for Colorado's 18th Judicial District, formally rejected the offer. “It is my determination and my intention that in this case, for James Eagan Holmes, justice is death,” Brauchler said at a court hearing on Monday. And death it shall be because his stupidity ended the lives of twelve people and the unborn baby of one of the survivors. On another death-related topic, Texas prosecutors are dropping like flies. Whoever's responsible should stop it and give themselves up so as not to make things worse.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: H7N9

That's an up-and-coming strain of bird flu. Two men have died after contracting said strain, which had not been previously found in humans, Xinhua (China’s official news agency) reported on Sunday. The authorities said the two Shanghai men, aged 27 and 87, fell ill after contracting the H7N9 strain in February and died in March. A third person, a 35-year-old woman from the city of Chuzhou, in neighboring Anhui Province, also contracted the strain and is critically ill. So please be careful. H7N9 could spread and maybe cause the apocalypse the Mayans predicted for last year.

Ain't nothin' but carrot whistlin'

Dutch scientist Lirpa Sloof announced yesterday the successful development of a genetically modified 'whistling carrot.' The carrots, according to Ms Sloof, had been specially engineered to grow with tapered airholes in their side. When fully cooked, these airholes caused the vegetable to whistle. That is one impressive development but whistle or no whistle, I still ain't eating them. On a non-whistling-produce-related topic, dihydrogen monoxide has been banned from several nations' water supplies.