Hope you had a safe and happy 2011

But there's one more piece of business to take care of before we enter 2012. The Bellend of the Month for December 2011 is Aidan Burley. The Conservative Member of Parliament for Cannock Chase in Staffordshire, England, has been forced to leave his job as a Parliamentary Private Secretary to Justine Greening in the Department of Transport after pictures appeared in The Mail on Sunday newspaper showing him at a stag party in France with a man dressed in the uniform of a Nazi SS officer. This is just stupid and offensive, and he should've left as soon as he saw that anti-Semitic scumbag. But he didn't and he ended up getting his photo taken with him. I would've left as soon as somebody arrived dressed like a Nazi. Nobody should encourage this patently offensive behaviour.

So it's actually today that Samoa and Tokelau are skipping over

That's right, the International Date Line is scheduled to change tonight New Zealand time. This means skipping Friday, so what's a Jew or a Sabbatarian Christian living in Samoa to do? I'm not sure what each group has decided to do about the skipped Friday, but I have heard that the local Seventh Day Adventists (all except for one small congregation) are planning to observe their Sabbaths on Sunday instead. Of course I'm not one to follow that particular path to enlightenment, but observing the Jewish sabbath is what made this church stand out. No church should change who they are just because one day is being skipped, but the sad truth is that most congregations on the islands are prepared to lose something that made them special. If I were the reverend at one of the congregations planning to move its services to Sunday, it wouldn't be moving on my watch. But there is a place where change is necessary: it's called North Korea and its new leader better start making some serious changes.

Occupy YouTube... or a prison cell

Matthew Quain still struggles to piece together what happened after a trip to the grocery store nearly turned deadly. He remembers a group of loitering young people, then a dimly lit street, then nothing. The 51-year-old became another victim of "Knockout King" or simply "Knock Out," a so-called game of unprovoked violence that targets random victims. Reports of the attacks have come from around the country including Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Chicago. In St. Louis, an elderly immigrant from Vietnam died in an attack in April.

The rules are as simple as they are brutal. A group chooses a lead attacker, then seeks out a victim. Unlike typical gang violence or other street crime, the goal is not revenge, nor is it robbery. The victim is chosen at random, often someone unlikely to put up a fight. Many victims were elderly; most were alone. The attacker charges and begins punching. If the victim goes down, the group usually scatters. If not, others join in, punching and kicking, often until the person is unconscious or badly hurt. Sometimes the attacks are captured on cellphone video that is posted on websites. These scumbags have absolutely no respect for human life, and they need to be dealt with. This stupidity is just done for attention, and has no place in a decent society. I hope this carry-on doesn't spread to New Zealand. Planking was bad enough.

Today's the day that will never come in Samoa

Meanwhile, two continents over, an Egyptian court has ordered the country's military rulers to stop the use of "virginity tests" on female detainees, in a rare condemnation by a civilian tribunal of a military practice that has caused an uproar among activists and rights groups. The virginity test allegations first surfaced after a March 9 rally in Cairo's Tahrir Square that turned violent when men in plainclothes attacked protesters, and the army cleared the square by force. The rights group Human Rights Watch said seven women were subjected to the tests. That's seven too many because the virginity tests are a violation of women's rights and an aggression against their dignity. I don't exactly know how those stupid tests are conducted, and I don't want to know. But at least it'll stop.

Five-nil again, naturally

A hat-trick from Dimitar Berbatov and single goals from Ji-sung Park and Antonio Valencia gave United a second successive five-goal victory this morning at Old Trafford and moved Man United level on points with Man City at the head of the Barclays Premier League table. Two players got yellow-carded and Conor Sammon got a straight red card, leaving Wigan with just ten players.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The amount of time it took

Yemeni president Ali Abdullah Saleh said on Saturday he would leave for the United States and give way to a successor, hours after his forces killed nine people demanding he be tried for killings of protesters over the past year. But Mr Saleh, who agreed to step down last month under a deal cut by his wealthier neighbours who fear civil war in Yemen will affect them, did not say when he would depart and vowed to play a political role again, this time opposed to a new government. I don't know if he will leave for America, but the time it's taking for that nutjob to just step down already is inexcusable. Maybe democracy will finally come to Yemen if there's a better president.

Frosting blows up in T-10, 9, 8...

A woman who recently flew back home from Vegas says an airport security officer confiscated her frosted cupcake because he thought the icing on it could be a security risk. Rebecca Hains said the Transportation Security Administration agent at McCarran International Airport took her cupcake on Wednesday, telling her its frosting was enough like a gel to violate TSA restrictions on allowing liquids and gels onto flights to prevent them from being used as explosives. She said the agent told her the frosting was conforming to the jar it was inside. If the ingredients posed a biosecurity risk on an international flight, then TSA's actions would be perfectly understandable, but this was a cupcake on a domestic flight and it's not like cupcake frosting can be turned into an explosive. This is actually more about civil liberties than it would be a cupcake, and the public are just building up a resistance and tolerance to all these things TSA are doing in the name of security, when it's really theater.

No Motherland Without Him... I hope

The guest list for North Korean leader Kim Jong-il’s funeral is taking shape and already includes a multimillionaire’s widow from South Korea and a Japanese magician known as Princess Tenko. But so far there have been some notable nonmentions, including two of the late dictator's relatives, who have yet to surface since Kim, one of the world’s most reviled leaders, died last week of a heart attack at age 69. Of particular interest was Kim Jong-nam, Kim's eldest son, who has lived in partial exile after falling out of favor with his father for being caught with a fake Dominican Republic passport trying to gain entrance to Tokyo Disneyland. Another thing that the spectacle will not have is foreign journalists, who are reportedly banned from covering the event, set for Wednesday in Pyongyang (point of interest: the Associated Press is one of the few Western media outlets with an office in the isolated regime). But if I was invited to that despot's funeral, I'd come, but I'd fly a South Korean flag during the service. Things did get better under Kim Jong-il (e.g. they would no longer shoot you on sight just because you listened to South Korean radio) but I hope his son Kim Jong-un brings democracy to North Korea. On a not-so-relevant note, Samoa are skipping Wednesday because they're coming over to our side of the International Date Line; this could probably just be a coincidence.

OK, the kids can come

Children are being left locked in cars by Western Bay of Plenty parents completing their Christmas shopping. Fraser Cove shopping centre has had at least four incidents this month and Bayfair Shopping Centre has also noticed the problem. However, it's a crime to leave children locked in a car alone. It's an offence to leave a child unattended in a situation where they will suffer or be caused stress. If you leave someone in a car on a hot day they are likely to suffer. It's basically a form of neglect. It comes under wilful neglect of a child, and prosecution is one possible outcome. Invariably your one-minute trip will take longer and kids can get into trouble very quickly. A child can undo their seatbelt or their harness and get out, or undo the handbrake and all those other things. Also, on a particularly hot day, with the magnifying effect of glass, it's possible for a child to get quite hot which has other dangers. So don't leave the kids in the car.

Five goals against Fulham put pressure on cross-town rivals

Man United kept up the pressure on Man City with another impressive performance on their travels to secure their first league victory over Fulham at Craven Cottage for almost four years. This morning's match ended in a 5-0 victory for the Reds, with the goals being scored by Danny Welbeck, Nani, powerhouses Dimitar Berbatov and Wayne Rooney, and Ryan Giggs, who has now scored goals in 22 consecutive seasons. The only yellow card went to one of the bellends on Fulham.

The judge dropped a massive bomb here

A white supremacist was sentenced to 32 years in prison yesterday for planting a shrapnel bomb along the parade route of a Martin Luther King Jr. Day celebration in Washington state this year. The sentence was the maximum penalty that Kevin Harpham, 37, a former U.S. soldier, could have received for the guilty plea he entered in September to federal weapons and hate-crime charges in connection with the failed bombing attempt. This is just not on, especially coming from a soldier, and now he will be paying dearly for his actions. Just as the whole business with Amy Chua and her bad parenting was causing a sensation, that bellend was causing disruption to a parade celebrating one of the civil rights movement's leading figures. I hope he doesn't add to his troubles by dropping the soap while in the clink.

City still on top

Going into yesterday morning’s match at Loftus Road against the Queen’s Park Rangers, Sir Alex Ferguson’s hand was strengthened by the return of Dimitar Berbatov and Chicharito, yet the Man United manager opted against shuffling and named the same line-up that overpowered Wolverhampton last weekend. And it still worked; Wayne Rooney and Michael Carrick scored the necessary goals to beat QPR 2-0. Three bellends were shown yellow cards.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Auto-correct

This site has many of the auto-correct fails known to iPhone users. Some of the machine-made mistakes on the site are a conversation which involved the text "Ok maybe in a few fatso", one where the user wanted a friend to sign for his feces package (he meant FedEx), a text which I hope the cops didn't get a hold of (pictured), one where an instance of the word "aunt" was replaced with a four-letter word, one where they talked of "dry humping" the roast when the sender meant "dry rub", one where the word "laptop" was replaced with "lap dance", one where one message said "you live under my roof you live under my pubes", and one where a text saying "Gotta run home and change my shirt first it has swastikas all over it" was sent (to a Jew, God forbid), as well as many others. This is why I just leave out the spaces until there is no way for my iPhone to auto-correct the word, then add the spaces.

Oops, she's doing it again

Forget about the holidays, Britney Spears is engaged! December can now officially be designated not only Spears and new fiance Jason Trawick's birthday month, but also their engagement. But I know where this next marriage is headed: divorce. Her marriages to Justin Timberlake (whose performance in In Time was so good I saw it again) and Kevin Federline both turned sour, and so will this one. Britney is just a glutton for punishment. This sort of rubbish is why I'm never getting married.

Santa better stock up on coal

A 14-year-old girl will spend Christmas in hospital after a school "gang bashing" left her with a fractured spine. Footage of Flaxmere College teenager Adriana Kemp screaming "my back" was filmed on a cell phone as two fellow students viciously assaulted her on the college's playing fields. How can one justify a cowardly act like this? This is just horrible and the poor girl had to have screws inserted in her skull to keep her spine straight. The principal was well within her rights to expel three kids in connection with this heinous act.

A degree worth losing your fingers for

Human rights groups in Bangladesh have demanded a severe punishment for the husband of a young woman who allegedly cut off most of her right hand. Police say Rafiqul Islam, a 30-year-old migrant worker who works in the United Arab Emirates, attacked his 21-year-old wife, Hawa Akther Jui, because she pursued higher education without his permission. This is no reason to cut off anyone's fingers, and is just one of a number of acts of domestic violence targeting educated women in recent months. Her fingers cannot be re-attached and it appears that Ms Akther will have to live with permanent disfigurement because of that stupid waste of life. She has started practising writing with her left hand, and as a fellow southpaw, I wish her well. The attack follows an incident in June in which a university lecturer lost one eye while the other was badly wounded in an attack allegedly carried out by her husband. The accused man in this case, Syeed Hasan Sumon, died in custody earlier this month while awaiting trial.

Switch off before you drive off

Federal officials are calling for a complete ban on cellphone use while driving after the National Transportation Safety Board made a recommendation to do so, but some Maryland lawmakers are calling the thought unrealistic, even though they are prepared to pursue stricter cellphone laws next year. They should, and for good reason. It is both a visual and a cognitive distraction. Nobody should be using cellphones while driving, unless they have one of those hands-free devices. Cellphones and driving are a dangerous mix. Drivers should be focused on the road.

Kyoto may yet be Karchered

Canada’s environment minister Peter Kent announced Monday that Canada is withdrawing from Kyoto Protocol after the UN conference in Durban, which immediately drew criticism inside and outside the country. What their government is doing could be in violation of domestic law, because the Kyoto Implementation Act was passed by the House of Commons in 2007 and has royal assent. It requires Canada to continue reporting and doing its job, fulfilling its obligations under the Kyoto Protocol. It looks as if Stephen Harper thinks he can just withdraw Canada from an international treaty which was ratified by the House of Commons with no discussion in the House, and violate a domestic law with no discussion in the House. There does seem to be a case for pulling out: Canada’s former Liberal government signed the Kyoto, which requires a cut in greenhouse gas emissions to 6 per cent below 1990 levels by 2012. But Canada’s emissions in 2009 were 17 per cent above 1990. It’s like the kid in school who knows he’s going to fail the class, so he drops it before that happens.

In other news, Restaurant Brands has acquired rights to operate a fourth brand, adding to its current stable of KFC, Pizza Hut, and Starbucks Coffee businesses. Restaurant Brands will be building and operating the Carl’s Jr. chain of restaurants in New Zealand, regardless of falls in sales through its other three fast food operations.

Maybe the ICC should step in

Top UN human rights official Navi Pillay says Syria should be referred to the International Criminal Court, and I couldn't agree more. What Bashar al-Assad has done over the course of the uprising is totally abhorrent and maybe Turkey should annex Syria. Ben Ali, Mubarak, and Gaddafi have all been removed and hopefully al-Assad will be next. The world does not need such stupid nutjobs bringing everyone down. It would be a lot easier if someone had the power to make something true by saying it's true, because then we could say something along the lines of "Bashar al-Assad is not the President of Syria" and then he'd be deposed.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Retro Gamer

This website is the worst. That site has Pacman on it, among other games, but those bellends won’t let me use it on my laptop just because I’m using a Mac. Not being able to use Internet Explorer is fine, but Macs and PC’s should be treated equally. Sure they run on different software, and most of the population use Windows, but there is no excuse for shoving Mac users to the back of the bus. That’s how wars start.

Reds continue quest for 20th title

Man United beat the Wolves this morning at Old Trafford in their last home game before Christmas. The game ended in a 4-1 victory that cuts the gap at the top to two points. If Man U win their next game and Man City lose theirs, then Man U will be in the lead. Nani scored two goals for Man U, as did Wayne Rooney. The Wolves' goal was scored by Steven Fletcher. One player was booked.

Even Aussies deserve the real deal

Samsung Electronics' tablet computer, the Galaxy Tab, will be available to consumers in Australia in the coming days, after the South Korean electronics giant scored a victory against Apple in a legal battle that had blocked the product from going on sale. The Australian High Court bowled Apple underarm by denying their appeal to an earlier court ruling that overturned an injunction placed on Samsung's Galaxy Tab 10.1 citing violation of its patent. The recent ruling is expected to give Samsung a stronger footing not only in the Christmas sales department but also in a legal battle it is involved in with Apple in several countries across the world, including the United States. Samsung's Galaxy Tab is a complete ripoff of the iPad, and as far as I'm concerned, it has no place on store shelves. If I get one of those stupid contraptions for Christmas, I'll sell it on eBay and buy an iPad with the money.

All slashed up and no place to go

Dozens of tyres were punctured in an attack which left residents of a quiet Dunedin street angry and out of pocket. Police were called to suburban Wakari yesterday morning following multiple calls from residents who woke to find one or two tyres punctured on every car parked in Farley St. This is not the sort of behaviour that should be going on anywhere, especially in my hometown. I live in the general area, and one or more of my neighbours could be next. Two tyres apiece on one victim's sedan and 4x4 were punctured, with the insurance bill likely to be around $2000. In addition to paying the $300 excess, he was unable to drive his children to kindergarten and had to take time off work. Damage to another family's tyres meant the breadwinner had to walk to work, and their two girls had to miss kindergarten while the tyres were replaced. It's bad enough when the main income earner can't get to work, but if you bring their kids into the equation, it's a lot worse. Nobody needs this nonsense, and I hope the cops find the bellend responsible.

Prison countdown starts at ten weeks

Rod Blagojevich starts his Thursday facing a bleak countdown — 71 days before the twice-elected Illinois governor must say goodbye to his family and begin serving a 14-year sentence for corruption. During those days, he will scramble to get his financial affairs in order and spend a final birthday and Christmas at home with his wife, Patti, and their two young daughters, 15-year-old Amy and 8-year-old Annie, before heading off to prison to serve the sentence handed down yesterday. Judge James Zagel sentenced Blagojevich on 18 counts of corruption, including his June convictions on charges that he tried to sell or trade an appointment to Obama's U.S. Senate seat for campaign cash or a top job. The impeached governor must report to prison on February 16, and where he reports is still being decided on by federal authorities. Wherever it is, that bellend will be largely cut off from the outside world. He will have to share a cell with other inmates, be extremely careful not to drop the soap, and work a menial job, possibly scrubbing toilets or mopping floors, at just 12 cents an hour (too bad you can't hire employees that cheaply in the free world). Spending 14 long, hard years locked away from his family will serve him right.

New Zealand: first to see the new timeline

New Zealand will be the first country to get Facebook's brand-spanking new Timeline feature - and the rest of the world will be made to wait. Timeline is essentially an expanded profile that can display content as users want to - rather than being bound by the standard Wall post approach, and we're going to be first to the scene. In the words of Facebook product manager Sam Lessin: "We chose New Zealand to be first - and I'll probably get in trouble for saying this - primarily because it is an English-speaking country. It's far away from our data centres, so we can monitor speed and performance." There are also some better reasons to choose New Zealand: we were ranked the cleanest on the Corruption Perceptions Index, our cricketers don't bowl underarm like they do over the ditch, and our rugby team is the very best in the universe. Or maybe it's because we're one of the first to see each new day.

A riches-to-rags story in the making...

The three Connecticut investment managers who shared the winnings of a record $254 million Powerball lottery don’t really need the money. They say they are giving a pile of it to Connecticut charities, which is good but the rich (as of late going by the epithet "the 1%") always seem to be doing it too much. If I were to run into huge amounts of money, I would not follow that kind but cliche and possibly dangerous example. It's not often I have any advice to give to the 1%, but especially in our uncertain economic climate, you could do with that extra money. Sure you've got lots on you now, but the cost of living has risen over time (according to this inflation calculator, something that cost $1 30 years ago would cost $3.79 now.) People who make regular donations to charity should cut out or at least cut back on the amount they're donating, and use the extra money for just in case the economy turns into a repeat of Chernobyl. You might come off as a bit of a scrooge, but in these tough times, the nice guys WILL finish last.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Baby mouse wine

Baby mice wine is a traditional Chinese and Korean "health tonic," which apparently tastes like raw petrol. Little mice, eyes still closed, are plucked from the embrace of their loving mothers and stuffed (while still alive) into a bottle of rice wine. They are left to ferment while their parents wring their tiny mouse paws in despair, tears drooping sadly from the tips of their whiskers. And that is why nobody would ever think to stock this drink in New Zealand. Mice are pets and they do not belong in our food and drink. Maybe in Korea, but not here.

Rookie brings victory to champions

After convincing wins for the other teams in the title race prior to kick-off, the pressure was on the champions going into this morning's game against Aston Villa. But Villa Park is traditionally a happy hunting ground for Man United and Sir Alex's team collected three points thanks to Phil Jones' first-ever goal at senior level. It was the only goal scored in the entire match and no players were yellow-carded.

God versus cellphones: who will win?

A Catholic bishop in Paraguay has taken up a battle against mobile phones. Bishop Claudio Silvero says the devices are "accursed and tools of sin" and denounced them in a homily this week in the shrine of Caacupe, 54 kilometres east of Paraguay's capital, Asuncion. That may be so, what with easy access to internet pornography on many newer devices, but cellphones are quite valuable tools that aid in communication. That nutjob obviously doesn't know what he's talking about. Technology is constantly changing, so he should just go with the flow. Even the Siri app on the iPhone 4S is not perfect but at least it's a lot better than having to listen to the bishop's drivel. I'd rather he made Holocaust jokes than denounce technology.

United may break guitars but their rivals serve bad poultry

As it deals with fallout from its bankruptcy announcement, American Airlines is also facing the wrath of a family who claim their loved one died after eating a meal served by the carrier. The wife and daughter of the late Othon Cortes of Miami are suing the airline and LSG Sky Chefs - a German company that produces airline meals for more than 300 airlines - for more than $1 million, alleging he ate food contaminated with bacteria during a flight from Barcelona to New York earlier this year. The lawsuit states that after the plane landed at JFK and as Cortes and his wife waited for their next flight to Miami, Cortes felt "discomfort and pain that included sharp stomach cramps and sudden thirst and other clear outward manifestation of severe physical illness." During the flight to Miami, Cortes experienced nausea and shortness of breath, and became unresponsive after a cardiac event, forcing the plane to make an emergency landing in Norfolk, Virginia. He was pronounced dead on arrival. This is just horrible and if I were ever to fly on an American Airlines flight, I will not be eating their in-flight meals lest I eat some undercooked poultry. I'll probably just have some KFC at the airport terminal.

Bashar is such a jive turkey

Syria is likely to be slammed with a new round of sanctions by Turkey, two days after the Arab League decided to impose economic sanctions on Damascus that were seen by the government as targeting the livelihood of Syrians. Turkish-Syrian relations have hit a new low recently over the unrest in Syria, with the Turkish side accusing the Syrian administration of atrocities against its people, while Damascus accuses Ankara of harbouring and arming terrorist groups against the rule of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. In fact, Turkey should annex Syria by force. Syria's right across the border, and this means that said border can just be torn down, and after an army invasion, Turkish law will apply instead of al-Assad's crap. In other news, Britain has closed its embassy in Iran.

Don't judge a bellend by its cover

Today is the last day of the month. Today is also the last day of autumn (spring in the Southern Hemisphere), Independence Day in Barbados, Bonifacio Day in the Philippines, Cities for Life Day, St. Andrew’s Day, the 29th anniversary of the release of Michael Jackson’s album Thriller, the 16th anniversary of the end of Operation Desert Storm, and the first anniversary of the death of Rajiv Dixit (who, coincidentally, would’ve turned 44 today).

But because it’s the end of a month, we have to crown a Bellend of the Month. This month, it’s Aransas County Court-At-Law Judge William Adams. This month, I came across a YouTube clip of him beating the crap out of his then 16-year-old daughter Hillary in 2004. The victim of such a travesty has had ataxic cerebral palsy from birth that led her to a passion for technology, which was strictly forbidden by her father's backwards views. The judge's wife was emotionally abused herself and was severely manipulated into assisting the beating, and therefore should not be blamed for any of her content in that sick video. She has since left the marriage due to the abuse, which continues to this day, and has sincerely apologized and repented for her part and for allowing such a thing, long before this video was even revealed to exist. However, the same can’t be said about the judge. That maggot is not fit to be anywhere near the law system if he can't even exercise fit judgment as a parent himself. The county should not allow this man to ever be re-elected again. His "judgment" is a giant farce, and he should be sent to Guantanamo and made to listen to hours and hours of Justin Bieber. Even Amy Chua can't beat that for bad parenting. If you want to see the video, click here.

Spicing up the season

The US holiday shopping season got off to an ugly start when a shopper pepper-sprayed other bargain hunters and robbers shot at shoppers to steal their Black Friday purchases, police said Friday. Up to 20 people were injured after a woman used pepper spray in California to get an edge on competitors. On the other side of the continent, off-duty officers in North Carolina used pepper spray to subdue rowdy shoppers waiting for consumer electronics. This sort of madness in the month before Christmas (as well as the overspending and the debt buildup) is why this year, I'm making more cost-effective gifts out of what I already have. Home-made gifts are said to be better because you took the time to make them yourself instead of spending inflated sums of money on the latest smartphone or an unwieldy 50" plasma/LCD TV that was made in China by some dirt-poor factory worker who was hired for next to nothing and can't afford food for the family. In other news, a British mother was arrested after police investigated a Youtube video of her making racist comments on a London tram.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Eric Clapton

This morning, I saw The Whistleblower. And before the previews, I heard “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton. Eric Clapton is one of the worst musicians of all time, and that particular song is so boring that it (maybe also coupled with some Justin Bieber or Billy Ray) would make a good substitute for Koran-burning or waterboarding at Guantanamo.

On an unrelated point, a couple of fight scenes about an hour into the movie could’ve been awesomed up a bit. If I was directing, one of the scenes would involve the victim performing a rather aggro rendition of the haka directed towards the attackers. And maybe if I was directing The King’s Speech, there would be some more comedic moments in it; a scene where somebody pulls out a chair for another character would, for example, involve the chair being pulled out from right under her just as she is about to sit down. Or maybe if I was directing The Help, I would’ve removed both instances of the N word from the script – for instance, instead of a white bus driver in one scene saying “some n***** got shot”, he would say “somebody got shot”. In fact, almost any movie could be made better with me as director.

United + United = tie

Man United drew their match against Newcastle 1-1 this morning at Old Trafford. Man United's goal was scored by Javier Hernandez and Newcastle's goal was courtesy of Senegalese striker Demba Ba. Five yellow cards were shown, and one of the booked players, Jonas Gutierrez, was booked again and Newcastle were forced to play the last 12 minutes a man down.

The best is about to get cheaper

Sky Television and TVNZ will need to spend about $30 million to set up the broadcasting infrastructure for their new low-cost digital pay-television service, tentatively known as Igloo. Much of the cost will be in installing new equipment on radio transmitters to broadcast up to 12 channels provided by Sky, who have finally found a potential replacement for the UHF terrestrial service, which was operating from 1990 until sometime last year. I for one may well consider this product if the channel selection is good enough.

Saleh, just step the buck down!

A US-backed deal for Yemen's authoritarian president to step down falls far short of the demands of protesters fighting regime supporters on the streets of Sanaa in clashes that have left five dead. The agreement ending President Ali Abdullah Saleh's 33-year rule provides for only the shallowest of changes at the top of the regime, something the U.S. administration likely favored to preserve a fragile alliance against one of the world's most active al Qaeda branches based in Yemen. That's all well and good but here's the problem: the plan drawn up by Yemen's oil-rich Gulf neighbors does not directly change the system he put in place over three decades to serve his interests. It gives an opportunity for regime survival, and leaves much more of the old regime intact than after the uprisings in Tunisia, Egypt, and Libya - something that will almost certainly translate into continued unrest. Saleh needs to be tried for charges of corruption and for the killing of protesters during the uprising.

Four down, more to go

Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh is preparing to cede power over a country he once united and is now spiraling to the brink of civil war and economic collapse. Saleh, who yesterday signed an accord to hand over control to his deputy, has kept power for more than three decades by doling out handouts to the military and tribes. That helped shore him up until the wave of Arab protests hit Yemen in January, loosening the ties he had nurtured since he became president of northern Yemen in 1978. In other words, Saleh is the fourth Arab leader after Ben Ali, Mubarak, and Gaddafi to be toppled by the people, and if the Syrian people continue their crusade, he won't be the last. It could even be Kim Jong-il next.

We're water-bored with waterboarding

Waterboarding is torture, and America should not condone it. Yet that's just what Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Rick Perry did in a recent debate. Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul repudiated the practice, and the others weren't asked about it. Historically, the U.S. has treated waterboarding as torture and a war crime. America prosecuted Japanese war criminals for waterboarding U.S. servicemen in World War II. Three decades later, a federal court awarded hundreds of millions in damages to Filipinos who were waterboarded by the regime of Ferdinand Marcos. Even though torture apologists say waterboarding has produced actionable intelligence, no one has provided any evidence that the information obtained through waterboarding could not have been obtained by other means. I know a better way to obtain information from a terrorist suspect: it's called Justin Bieber. In fact, almost any Canadian music is horrible enough to be a humane substitute for waterboarding. Just remember, if waterboarding is torture when done to Americans, then it is torture when done by Americans.

Spain performs about-face on former colony

Relations between Cuba and Spain may be headed for choppy waters after Spain’s conservative Popular Party won elections on Sunday, although analysts say neither side is primarily interested in picking a mayor fight. The Popular Party victory ended nearly eight years of rule by the Spanish Socialist Workers’ Party, often criticised as too friendly to Havana’s communist rulers and insensitive to their human rights abuses. But now, the status quo may well change because there is no way the new government in Spain will want anything to do with those autocratic bellends running the show in Cuba. People are leaving Cuba for a reason. Even though things are starting to get better without Fidel in charge, more needs to be done. Maybe if democracy came to Cuba, things would get better.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: People who masturbate in public toilets

Seriously, come on guys, it’s just gross. This forum thread is full of gross nutjobs who have admitted to masturbating in public toilets just so other users would have to touch their semen. Jacking off in public toilets is totally inconsiderate and unnecessary, and there are people who expect to walk into a clean restroom and not have to touch some bellend’s semen. They should install security cameras in restrooms so they can see if anyone rubs one out in the toilet, and if so, who did it so that the nutjob in question can be swiftly dealt with.

Chicharito does it again

Manchester United remain hot on the heels of neighbours Manchester City after registering a first-ever win at Swansea City this morning at Liberty Stadium. The only goal was scored by Javier Hernandez, and one yellow card was shown. Despite this turnaround, Man City can still win the Premiership.

Hidden message in email puts job on line

Some bold words in an email could have City of Menasha Public Works Director Mark Radtke in trouble surrounding efforts at work to recall Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Investigators are looking into his actions and another employee complained about the email, which Radtke sent out to City Hall employees on Tuesday, the day Democratic recall efforts began against the Republican Walker.

In the email, Radtke says Tuesday was his birthday and a “Special Day.” But in it, he implies others should support the recall of Governor Walker, by capitalising RECALL SCOTT WALKER in the email body, (full text here) saying, and quote: "Birthdays cause me to reminisce trying to RECALL all the great times we had as kids, you know, when you could misbehave behind your parent's backs and get away with it SCOTT free…Unfortunately, birthdays also make me think about what life will be like in my golden years, you know, like learning how to use a WALKER!"

I don't know what Radtke's intentions are, whether he violated any city policies regarding the use of city email for illegal activities or harassment, or what the supposed allegations against Governor Walker are, but what the offending quote said about birthdays does seem to hold true for lots of people (for me it's mostly about the presents) and he has since apologized and been cleared of any wrongdoing.

Think of the children!

Paul A. LaDuke, a math teacher at Schaumburg Christian School in Chicago, has been charged with sexual exploitation of a child for allegedly masturbating during class, something authorities believe may have happened several times in the last decade. Police say that a student reported to a teacher they saw LaDuke masturbating while seated at his podium. That is the epitome of grossness, and no student should ever have to endure the trauma of their teacher stroking his privates mid-lesson. If I was in that nutjob’s class, I would’ve told someone about that travesty. He needs to get help. Unless, of course, the kids could have had a vendetta against this teacher and just made the whole thing up. Worse things have happened.

Eyes glued shut

Kerri Caldwell (pictured with her son) is in disbelief that her three-year-old son Sam can't open his right eye after an accident and emergency doctor carried out a routine procedure at Ulster Hospital in Belfast last week.

Sam was taken to A&E after an accident at his Newtownards home left him with a cut above his eye. When she arrived Mrs Caldwell was told the best way to close the wound on his eyelid was to glue the cut. However, the doctor used too much glue. After about 20 minutes the doctor told Sam to open his eyes — but he couldn’t. His right eye was completely glued shut. She had put too much on his lid and it had slid around his eye. The little boy became very upset and began kicking his legs and screaming because he couldn’t open his eye.

A consultant then told Sam’s mother the glue would have to wear off; it would take a minimum of four days and he said 'he’ll get used to it'. This is not something the poor kid, or anyone else, should ever have to “get used to”. It’s tragic that this rubbish had taken place, but it would be a lot worse if sectarianism had anything to do with it. If it was a Catholic treating a Protestant (or vice versa), then sabotage could be added to the equation, especially if he loses an eye as a result.

Aloha and welcome to Asia!

It's hard to mistake that Hawaiian scenery. But President Obama apparently forgot where he was during his press conference on Sunday on the outskirts of Honolulu, despite being born there (NOT in Kenya). The president mistakenly described his location as "Asia" while answering a question about budget cuts. The quote? "When I meet with world leaders, what's striking - whether it's in Europe or here in Asia - the kinds of fundamental reforms and changes, both on the revenue side and the public pension side, that other countries are having to make are so much more significant than what we need to do in order to get our books in order." Technically, Hawaii isn't in Asia, but neither is it geographically fixed to North America. Hawaii is a chain of islands in Polynesia, therefore, it is not part of any continent. I think Obama had one Mai Tai too many before the conference.

Looks like Assad has nowhere to run

Jordan's king Abdullah said yesterday that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad should step down for the good of his country, the first Arab leader to publicly make such a call as Syria's neighbours close ranks against an increasingly isolated regime. Syria's crackdown on an 8-month-old uprising has brought international condemnation, but Damascus generally has been spared broad reproach in the Arab world. That changed Saturday, with a near-unanimous vote by the 22-member Arab League to suspend Syria, and suspend they should because Assad has no business continuing to degrade the prestige of the state while accusing others of doing so, and I hope the revolution soon spreads to North Korea.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Vomit Girl

Stupidest. YouTube clip. Ever. Enough said.

All sun and Games on the Gold Coast

Queensland is reeling from a year of floods, cyclones, and financial turmoil, but it finally has a reason to celebrate. It's not the facelift we carried here yesterday (don't worry, we kept the green), it's not the fact that the fourth installment of that god-awful Twilight rubbish hits cinemas next weekend, nor is it the iPhone 4S's belated launch in New Zealand. The real reason? The Gold Coast, plagued by negative headlines after a wave of violent crime, has won its bid to host the 2018 Commonwealth Games. A roar erupted from Gold Coast's Broadwater Parklands yesterday where thousands had gathered for the announcement, which was beamed live from the general assembly of the Commonwealth Games Federation in Saint Kitts and Nevis (in the Caribbean). I have no doubt that the Gold Coast will do Australia proud in hosting these Games, just as Melbourne did in 2006, off the back of Sydney's success in the 2000 Olympics (in fact, Australia win a plurality of medals at almost every games). I hope the bid team aren't planning to include bowling underarm as a demo sport.

New look in town

Basically the 411 for post 611 is that we now have a new look. Hope you like it.

The sun is setting on The Sun

James Murdoch threw the future of News International into doubt yesterday by suggesting that The Sun might be closed down if it is dragged into the phone hacking scandal. Giving evidence to MPs, Mr Murdoch, who closed the News of the World in July, said he could not rule out closing The Sun or any other publication if it was found to have broken the law. I don't blame him, but I don't recommend divesting an entire empire over this whole mess. Of course closing down a tabloid will stop any more controversy from the publications in question, but it's not a permanent solution because there will still be more newspapers to get in on the act. Instead of closing a news source, they could always just fire the whole staff and relaunch the errant paper under a different title or logo. And besides, I don't read papers - like any other unemployed 23-year-old male virgin, I get my news from the Web.

Aussie polluters beware!

Australia on Tuesday passed legislation that would impose a tax on the nation's 500 largest polluters, a deeply unpopular measure that the government has defended as necessary to control climate change. Prime Minister Julia Gillard had promised not to push for a carbon tax during elections last year, but has since said it is Australia's best option. Australia is one of the world's worst greenhouse gas emitters per capita becuase of its heavy reliance on abundant reserves of coal to generate electricity, and because their first woman Prime Minister actually has some sense for once, Australia's largest polluters will pay 23 Australian dollars for every metric tonne of carbon gases they produce starting July of next year. Australia is full of the descendants of various bellends who were kicked out of England for good reason, poor sports whose signature move is bowling underarm, and polluters, but at least they're now fixing up the pollution problem.

Prop 26 gets 86'ed

Mississippi voters yesterday defeated a ballot initiative that would've declared that life begins at fertilisation, a proposal that supporters sought in the Bible Belt state as a way to prompt a legal challenge to abortion rights nationwide. The so-called "personhood" initiative was rejected by more than 55 percent of voters, falling far short of the threshold needed for it to be enacted. If it had passed, it was virtually assured of drawing legal challenges because it conflicts with the Supreme Court's 1973 Roe v. Wade decision that established a legal right to abortion. Supporters of the initiative wanted to provoke a lawsuit to challenge the landmark ruling but now they'll have to find a better way. Even the regular, white-bread, life-begins-at-conception type of anti-choice folk think this is too much, and I wouldn't blame them. A fertilised egg may be able to grow into a fully-fledged person but until that happens, it looks nothing like a person. And besides, there's also the issues of women's rights and religion to consider. You can't just impose your religious beliefs on others by forcing women to carry unwanted pregnancies, including those caused by rape or incest. Proposition 26 failed for good reason. Mississippi already has tough abortion regulations (parental or judicial consent for any minor to get an abortion, mandatory in-person counseling, and a 24-hour wait before any woman can terminate a pregnancy) and only one clinic where the procedures are performed, so there's no need for any more anti-choice rubbish. In other news, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of the show "19 Kids and Counting" are expecting their 20th child in April. I hope this time they can find a name for number 20 that doesn't start with J.

Did you say the home-coming king was a SHE?

When students voted a lesbian couple as home-coming king and queen at San Diego's Patrick Henry High School two weeks ago, perhaps they were just too young and naive to know that controversy was inevitable. If it had just been Haileigh Adams, at right, elected queen, nothing would have been the problem. But when Adams' girlfriend, Rebeca Arellano, won king at a big pep rally on the Friday, the bigots (or should I say bellends) started complaining.

Adams and Arellano's peers cheered for the girls at the home-coming dance, and a teacher had reportedly told Arellano, "Today, school is a bit better because of you girls." Nevertheless, Patrick Henry High has been subjected to a deluge of hate mail, angry emails, and threatening phone calls since news of the lesbian home-coming couple broke. Some of the calls are coming from people who don't even live in California. This is not cool, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the threatening messages are coming from Texas. What is popular is not always right and what is right is not always popular, but those player-haters need to think before they start gay-bashing. The parents who are engaging in this homophobic conduct are poor role models for their children, and boy is Mr. T going to be busy pitying a lot of fools. Disabilities, gender, and racial characteristics are not really things we choose, and neither is homosexuality. In fact, we don’t even choose to be born.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Actually, I can’t decide

This week, it’s a toss-up between false advertising and drinking songs. I’ll do both.

Yesterday, I saw The Thing. I thought it was going to be about the similarly-named Fantastic Four superhero’s origin story, and it started off quite bizarre, being set near a Norwegian research station on Antarctica in 1982, and instead of being a hero, the “thing” was some weird creature from outer space who transmitted a virus in the blood of its victims, turning them into scary monsters who would go round devouring the other people at the station. Even after Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s character had started torching every incarnation of that beast (and also another human who had not yet transformed), it didn’t turn into a good guy. In fact, when I looked at the movie’s Wikipedia article, it turned out to be a prequel to a movie released in 1982 that also didn’t feature anybody from the Fantastic Four. But even so, they shouldn’t have just called the movie The Thing, because if someone who was actually into the Fantastic Four (hint: not me) had seen it just because of the word “thing”, they would walk out feeling ripped off because it doesn’t have a single detail about Thing or his origins.

Also, before the previews leading into that sick disappointment of a superhero flick, I heard the entirety of Rihanna’s song Cheers (Drink to That). I liked the song’s apparent interpolations of I’m With You by Avril Lavigne, but the lyrics extol the consumption of alcohol (e.g. “oh, let the Jameson sink in” and “turn it around with another round”) and building up credit card debt (e.g. “'bout to hop on the bar, put it all on my card tonight”). Also, I noticed the word “hella” (which is used in the north of California as an adverb meaning “very” and as an adjective meaning “a lot of”) in one line, and that word is hella lame. Rihanna is the official ambassador of youth and culture for Barbados, but the lyrics of her latest hit show that she is in no way worthy of such an honour. But at least I didn’t hear any Justin Bieber or Enya or Billy Ray.

Brown makes a hot brown mess of Sunderland

On the eve of Sir Alex's 25th anniversary in charge of Manchester United, the Reds boss celebrated in a manner he's become so accustomed to down the years: by guiding his team to victory - more specifically, beating Sunderland 1-0. It was Wes Brown's own goal, on his first visit back to Old Trafford after leaving for Sunderland in the summer (our winter), that settled this morning's contest. There were two yellow cards, both going Sunderland's way.

Even abortion can be aborted

A rebel anti-choice movement gaining momentum nationwide is hoping for its first electoral victory on Tuesday, when Mississippi voters will decide whether to designate a fertilised egg as a person and potentially label its destruction an act of murder. If approved, the nation's first "personhood" amendment could criminalise abortion and limit in-vitro fertilisation and some forms of birth control. It would also give a jolt of energy to an anti-choice national movement that views mainstream anti-choice activists as timid.

The change is stupid because it would cut off access to abortion by equating it with homicide, making no exception for rape, incest, or when a woman's life is in danger. The measure will likely pass and spark years of litigation that may stall or prevent its implementation, and it won't hold up in court because there is a very strong precedent against it: it's called Roe v. Wade, and it's spent a long and eventful life keeping the anti-choice agenda down. There is a much better way around this - they could always close down the state's only abortion clinic, but it won't do much good because there are lots of other abortion clinics out of state.

Put this in your cigar and smoke it

No, seriously, don't. Smoking can kill you. But for the first time in a half-century, Cubans will be allowed to buy and sell real estate openly, bequeath property to relatives without restriction, and avoid forfeiting their homes if they abandon the country. The highly anticipated new rules instantly transform islanders’ cramped, dilapidated homes into potential liquid assets in the most significant reform yet adopted by President Raul Castro since he took over the communist country from his brother Fidel in 2008.

But plenty of restrictions remain: Cuban exiles continue to be barred from owning property on the island, though they can presumably help relatives make purchases by sending money. And foreigners can also hold off on dreams of acquiring a pied-a-terre under the Caribbean sun, since only citizens and permanent residents are eligible and besides, there are a lot of other islands in the Caribbean for foreigners to have their dream home on. But Raul needs to do more, for instance, hold elections and bring democracy to the island. Or maybe enter into an annexation treaty with the United States.

Siri bowls underarm

Apple's latest iPhone will be launched in New Zealand next Friday (11/11/11), but Kiwis may have to adopt an Aussie twang to get the most out of its snazzy voice-recognition technology.

Siri, the phone's voice-recognition technology, can understand and respond to spoken questions and commands. For example, users can ask, `Will I need an umbrella this weekend?', and the phone will pull up a weather forecast. But so far, the technology has so far only been programmed for Australian, British, and American dialects. It can understand Kiwi accents but not with the same accuracy. For instance, we say "fish and chips", they hear "fush and chups". We say "peg", they hear "pig". We say "baggage check-in", they hear "beggage chicken". We say "pan", they hear "pen". Need I go on?

In other news, a small Spanish tablet maker, Nuevas Tecnologias y Energias Catala (NT-K), has won a patent infringement battle with Apple Inc in a rare victory against the US company in its global defence of markets for its iPads.

Looks like this case is cracked

For thousands of prison inmates convicted of crack cocaine charges, the prison doors will be opening early, thanks to sentencing changes easing the disparity between the penalties for possessing or distributing crack vs. powder cocaine. Congress passed the Fair Sentencing Act in August 2010, changing, among with other things, the 100:1 disparity between minimum sentences for crack and powder cocaine to 18:1, and eliminated the five-year mandatory minimum sentence for simple possession of crack cocaine. This may sound stupid, but critics of the old sentencing system say it was unfair to African-Americans, who make up the majority of those convicted of possessing and distributing crack. Furthermore, the U.S. Sentencing Commission voted this summer to make the reduced crack penalties retroactive, which means more than 12,000 current inmates are eligible to request time off their sentences. Under the new law, a person with crack will now have to have 28 grams (almost an ounce), instead of the old 5 grams, before triggering a mandatory five-year minimum sentence, but the person with powder cocaine still must have a much larger amount - at least 500 grams. But even so, the ratio should be reduced further to 1:1 because crack and powder are both different forms of the same drug, and there seems to be a racial component to the different sentences given out: crack cocaine is more common in inner-city black communities, and powder cocaine in white suburban communities.

SIX HUNDRED POSTS!

Six hundred posts, 7 billion people, and yet, Palestine hasn't made it into the UN. In fact, acceptance into the UN cultural agency Unesco, best known for its designation of “world heritage” sites, hasn’t brought the Palestinians any closer to full membership in the United Nations itself. If anything, the victory has come at a price. A day after Palestine gained full membership in the UN group with 107 votes in favor and 14 against, the U.S. has retaliated by cutting off funding that supplies almost a quarter of the agency’s budget. Moreover, swing votes the Palestinians need to bolster their support on the Security Council for full UN membership have evaporated. In other news, South Korea will set up a fund as early as this year to begin raising up to 55 trillion won to pay for its eventual reunification with North Korea. Unification Minister Yu Woo Ik is asking South Koreans to put aside more than 60 years of animosity on the divided peninsula and prepare for the fiscal shock of incorporating their impoverished northern neighbors. Because anyone, Korean or not, can donate to the fund, I might consider donating a few dollars as long as the money isn't being siphoned off to Pyongyang.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Human error

They say that to err is human. But human error has been cited as a cause or contributing factor in disasters and accidents in industries as diverse as nuclear power, aviation, space exploration, and medicine. Another example: when I went to see Beautiful Lies in the weekend, the projectionist had threaded One Day (which was apparently scheduled for the same auditorium later that day) into the projector instead, and yes I did alert the cinema staff to the mistake as soon as the title was revealed to be the wrong one even though it was already looking a bit suspect when Anne Hathaway’s name was featured in the opening credits. This is why cinemas should have a message during the advertising loop for a particular film saying something along the lines of “Thank you for choosing [cinema name]. In a few minutes, we will be playing [movie name]. If this is not the movie that you have come to see, please inform cinema staff as soon as possible.”

And because today is also the last day of the month, we will also reveal that the Bellend of the Month for October 2011 is Freemon Everett Seay. What began as an attempt to discipline his child turned into a sordid case of abuse when police say the Washington man forced his 16-year-old daughter to don Renaissance armour and engage in a wooden sword battle for two hours. He was punishing his daughter for a recent attempt to run away from home, but the Renaissance fair enthusiast has since been arrested for the October 16 beating, and rightly so because he apparently started by beating the girl with a willow switch before donning armour and forcing her into a two-hour battle between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. local time. When the girl was reportedly no longer able to stand on her own, he relented. But what that bellend didn’t count on was that his daughter quickly took action, texting pictures of her bruises and injuries to friends, who promptly alerted the authorities. The daughter did the right thing in taking him down with the power of her cellular phone (yes, we have come quite a long way since the real Renaissance), and that evil maggot will hopefully rot in prison unless, of course, human error gets in the way.

Yay Chicharito, yay Chicharito, he won the game for Man U!

After their embarrassing defeat at Old Trafford last week, Man United beat Everton 1-0 at Goodison Park today. The goal was scored by Javier Hernandez, and three Everton players were yellow-carded.

Freedom isn't free

Protesters angered by a local outcome in Tunisia’s first free election burned a central government building yesterday in the impoverished town of Sidi Bouzid, which was where Mohamed Bouazizi, a fruit vendor, set himself on fire in protest against a lack of opportunity and the heavy handedness of the local police, touching off a wave of demonstrations that toppled Ben Ali and inspired the regional revolutions and unrest that became known as the Arab Spring. The violence appeared to be set off by a local election issue, rather than displeasure at the broader results of the national vote. Supporters of Hachmi Hamdi, a former member of the ousted government, saw their votes nullified after his party, the Popular List, was removed from the ballot over accusations of campaign finance violations. I bet this spasm of violence is nothing but a front for Tunisians who are still loyal to Ben Ali. Ben Ali was the wrong leader for Tunisia and we should all support the Tunisian people in their quest for the right leader. Tunisia’s moderate Islamist party Ennahda, banned for decades, has emerged the official victor in the landmark elections, taking 41.47 percent of the vote and 90 of 217 seats in an assembly that will write a new constitution.

One teenager's virginity going once, going twice...

A Utah woman accused of trying to sell her 13-year-old daughter's virginity has pleaded guilty to two sexual exploitation charges for having the girl model in her underwear for men. The 33-year-old woman had also faced two first-degree felony counts of aggravated sex abuse of a child - and up to life in prison - but prosecutors agreed to drop those charges in exchange for her plea. She now faces up to 30 years in prison at sentencing on December 5, and it serves her right. Nobody should be doing that sort of rubbish to their children, and she is a complete bellend for thinking she can get US$10,000 for selling her daughter's virginity like that. If it was the money that caused this carry-on, that nutjob could've sold her own virginity, but no, she just had to bring her minor daughter into the equation, and at her sentencing hearing, she will pay dearly for such a stupid mistake.

The veil shall fail

Yemeni women defiantly burned their traditional veils yesterday in protest of President Ali Abdullah Saleh's brutal crackdown on anti-government demonstrations. Thousands of women gathered in the capital, Sanaa, said witnesses. They carried banners that read: "Saleh the butcher is killing women and is proud of it" and "Women have no value in the eyes of Ali Saleh." They collected their veils and scarves in a huge pile and set it on fire - an act that is highly symbolic in the conservative Islamic nation, where women use their veils to cover their faces and bodies. It's the first time in the nine months since Yemen's uprising began that such an event has occurred, and if Saleh's reign of terror continues, it won't be the last. Tribes must understand they will not be respected by Yemeni women if they stay quiet while their women are being attacked by the Saleh regime. Tribes who ignore womens' calls are cowards and have no dignity. I won't be surprised if this starts happening in Saudi Arabia.

All warts must go!

A federal advisory committee recommended today that 11- and 12-year-old boys routinely receive a vaccine that girls the same age have been given over the past five years to stop a sexually transmitted virus - a move that could help increase acceptance of the human papillomavirus shot. Boston-area physicians say the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices’ recommendation, which is likely to be adopted by the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, will make them more willing to urge parents to seek the vaccine for their sons. Until now, doctors could give the vaccine to preteen boys, but without the official blessing of the nation’s leading disease prevention agency. It's amazing how far vaccinations have come since Edward Jenner came up with a cure for smallpox, which has now been eradicated. And they'd better start mass vaccinations soon because about 20 million Americans are infected with the human papillomavirus, known commonly as HPV. HPV has been associated with genital warts and a variety of cancers, including cervical, anal, penile, and an increasing incidence of throat cancer. An estimated 7,000 men develop HPV-related cancers every year, and now, the epidemic can finally be stemmed.

It only happens once in a blue moon

It had been billed as the biggest Manchester derby in decades, but it turned out to be a derby day to forget for United as City celebrated a historic 6-1 victory yesterday morning (NZ time) at Old Trafford. Man U's goal was scored by Darren Fletcher, and Man City's goals were apportioned as follows: two by Mario Balotelli, one by Sergio Aguero, two by Edin Dzeko, and one by David Silva. As if things couldn't get any worse for the Reds; in addition to two players from each team receiving yellow cards, Man U had to play most of the second half with ten men after Jonny Evans was at the centre of the game’s big moment two minutes after the restart when he got red-carded for pulling Balotelli back as the Italian striker bore down on goal.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Freeloading

The dishonour this week goes to those who freeload, and more importantly, to those who encourage it. According to Wiktionary, a freeloader is one who does not contribute or pay appropriately; one who gets a free ride, etc., without paying his or her fair share. In 2008, I went to Melbourne for a week and the trams there did not have anybody manning the ticket machines to make sure the passengers paid. And yes, I did pay for my tram rides. Also, one cinema in my hometown seems to be encouraging freeloaders on one of the sites that it posts its session times on. This page has not just the movie times but also tells you which auditorium each session is in. This information, which is not normally released until you buy your ticket(s), might be useful to somebody who is planning to sneak in for free, especially considering that this particular location rarely conducts ticket checks (except during film festivals), and (even though it's not related to the main topic) there is no legroom there unless you sit all the way up the front and tilt your head up so you can see the screen. And there is also an example of somebody who is helping freeloaders avoid the consequences of their dishonesty: one website based in Sweden encourages fare-dodging on public transport mainly in the cities of Stockholm and Goteborg by selling an insurance policy where, if you get fined for not paying the fare, they will pay your fine. The concept of you doing the crime and somebody else doing the time is just like that rubbish about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. So don't be some stupid freeloading piece of scum.

Bad Siri! That's a bad Siri!

Macworld has reported that the voice-activated feature on the new iPhone 4S will let anyone use the phone to send e-mails and text messages and make calls even if it's passcode locked.

Try it. Grab a friend's locked iPhone 4S, press the button and ask Siri to do something. Apparently, you can send a text message, make a call, and send an e-mail, all without knowing their passcode. It is also reported that one can still get an address and a phone number out of the phone, and even see the calendar. But there's a solution: in the Passcode Lock settings, switch Siri to "Off". This lets you continue to use the feature once your iPhone is unlocked, but keeps users from accessing these features when security is enabled. However much of a security risk this may be, the app assists in "handsfree" technology. Many users have password locks on their phones, so what good is the handsfree technology when you have to look at the phone and enter a password? Reading texts, making phone calls, and asking Siri questions would not work as smoothly if you constantly had to look at your phone and enter a password every time you want to use it. But if you don't need to use Siri at the moment, then you should disable it until you do need it.

Ben Ali fled, Mubarak is in jail, Gaddafi is killed, Assad … ?

Syrian protesters poured onto the streets yesterday, vowing that President Bashar al-Assad's regime will be the next to unravel after the death of the ousted Libyan dictator Muammar al-Gaddafi. Activists said around 14 protesters were killed when security forces opened fire. Although mass demonstrations have shaken one of the most authoritarian regimes in the Middle East, the Syrian opposition has made no major gains in recent months. It holds no territory and has no clear leadership. This has gone too far and if war is needed, then so be it. Nobody needs scumbags like Assad trying to bring their people down, and he should just step down before anyone else gets hurt.

Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava nagila ve-nismeḥa...

Former Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi has been killed after heavy fighting in his home town of Sirte. Libyan television announced today that Gaddafi was killed by revolutionary forces in Sirte following weeks of brutal fighting. The Libyan Prime minister said the colonel was captured unharmed by National Transitional Council forces but was shot in the head during crossfire with Gaddafi loyalists, and died soon after. Too bad the same thing hasn't yet happened to Justin Bieber or Bashar al-Assad or Kim Jong-il or Alexander Lukashenko.

Time to admit de-feet

Sometimes when you buy a pair of shoes, one of them can feel snug while the other one does not quite fit. Tom Boddingham (pictured inside his slipper/bed) certainly knows the feeling. When the 27-year-old Briton ordered a special monster-design slipper to fit his oversized left foot, he was sent the size 1,450 one pictured above because the Chinese manufacturers failed to spot the decimal point between the 4 and the 5. The slipper was sent directly from Hong Kong and measures 210 x 130 x 65cm, which is big enough for his 6ft 7in (just over 2m tall) frame to sleep in. He wants to sell the monster-sized slipper, which a spokesman for the factory said they thought was for a shop window display, on eBay but I think he should use it as a bed instead. When I move out of my dad's house (yes, I do still live with one of my parents, but just one of them because they have been divorced since 2003), one of those giant slippers will be my next bed.

Lions, tigers, bears, and wolves, oh my!

Dozens of animals, including lions, tigers, bears, and wolves, were on the loose in Zainesville, Ohio today after apparently being released from an exotic farm. Police and wildlife officials scrambled to hunt down the animals, shooting 25 of them, and ordering local residents to stay indoors and cordoning off the area around the farm, where the owner, who had been released from federal prison three weeks earlier after serving a one-year term on firearms charges, was found dead near several open cages. It's a good thing the cops acted fast before anyone else died because it would've been a huge disaster had the wild animals eaten everyone else in the area. Also, people need to keep their animals locked up where they can't hurt anyone. Had their owner not been killed, he would be back in prison for letting the stampede happen.

Time to abort this bill

By a 251-172 margin, the US House of Representatives has passed the Respect Life Act, which would remove the possibility of abortion funding from healthcare legislation approved last year and would also apply conscience-protection provisions to the legislation. The measure faces a presidential veto in the unlikely event that it should pass in the Senate, and rightly so because the proposed legislation is designed to crap on women’s reproductive freedom and access to health care, and unnecessarily restrict the private insurance choices that women and their families have today. This anti-choice legislation is just rubbish but at least 251 (only 57.7% of the House) isn't a big enough margin to override a presidential veto should it come to that.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The Arab League

Gulf countries seeking to suspend Syria’s membership to the Arab League over its bloody crackdown on protesters failed to gain enough support yesterday to push the measure through, reflecting deep divisions among the body’s 22 nations. This is beyond stupid and international bodies shouldn't be letting such crimes against humanity continue. Syria should be suspended from the Arab League, and so should Egypt if the military council doesn't pull their weight. The European Union is moving to widen its sanctions against Syria as a result of Bashar, and so should America. Bashar al-Assad is the skidmark on the underpants of Syrian society, and I hope he buckles under the weight of the sanctions and eventually steps down.

And it's a draw!

Man United drew their game against Liverpool at Anfield this morning. The score was 1-1, with Liverpool's goal scored by Steven Gerrard and Man U's score courtesy of Javier Hernandez. Four players were booked over the course of the match.

Knife games turn sour

Two boys and a girl - all aged 14 - have been charged with attempting to hold up a young woman at knifepoint on the Gold Coast. The trio bailed up the 22-year-old woman after she got off a bus at Main Beach about 9pm (local time) last night. Closer to home, an 11-year-old girl was expelled from Whangaparaoa College after she pulled a knife on another girl. The knife wasn't used but it was not just threatened in a minor way, it was pointed and she threatened, 'I will use this on you'. This sort of carry-on is why kids shouldn't be playing around with knives. It could've been a whole lot worse had either knife actually been used on its intended victim.

Like character, like actor

Harry Potter actor Jamie Waylett has been arrested and charged with possession of a homemade bomb. Police believe Waylett, who played bully Vincent Crabbe in five films of the Harry Potter movie series, intended to use a Molotov cocktail while allegedly looting champagne during the London riots on August 8. Police also claim they found 15 marijuana plants in Waylett's home. It's just predictable that an actor would turn out to be just like a character they once played, and I hope a suitable punishment is meted out. In other news, the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 has been banned in Australia.

Is wife-beating back in fashion?

In Topeka, Kansas, protestors hit the streets after the city decriminalised misdemeanor spousal abuse. The move angered victim’s rights advocates in Colorado and now the advocates are learning about proposed changes to Colorado’s domestic violence laws. Colorado is one of 23 states requiring police to arrest all domestic violence offenders when someone calls 911, and they should just keep it that way. An act can look like a minor incident but domestic violence is a pattern. On average, the survivors that the Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence in Boulder work with have been assaulted 16 times or more before law enforcement is ever involved. In other news, peanut butter (NOT penis butter) lovers could be in for a shock because consumer experts say the price of a jar of peanut butter could soar by 30-percent as soon as the end of this month because of recent dry weather in Georgia and other states which produce peanuts.

Myanmar, let your people go!

Myanmar has begun the release of what it said will eventually be more than 6,300 prisoners under a mass amnesty. According to a rights group, there were just 70 political prisoners among the inmates freed by noon local time (6:30pm NZDT). One of the prisoners is a major-general who had 99 years to go on a 105-year sentence for sedition, but they can do better than just 70 prisoners of conscience. Myanmar's mass amnesty is one in a series of recent moves that could help the isolated nation normalize relations with Western nations including the United States but to me, it's probably just a ruse. Since the coup in 1962, the nation has been going downhill. In 1970, Ne Win switched traffic on Myanmar's roads to the right-hand side apparently on the advice of a wizard, a consequence of this being that the only border with Thailand where you don't have to change the side of the road you're on is a short border with Malaysia. And let's not forget the mass demonetisations of money during the late 1980s or all the weird denominations of currency (notes worth 35, 45, 75, and 90 kyat will be familiar to some) that were introduced under Ne Win. The economic disturbances that resulted from all this caused serious rioting and another coup. It's about time the place got its long-overdue Arab Spring cleaning.

OK, but who will be freed?

State-run media in Myanmar said today that 6,300 prisoners would be released in an amnesty and a new official human rights body urged the country’s president in an open letter to free what it called “prisoners of conscience,” a term for the political prisoners whose release has been a central demand of Western nations. The announcement in the official media did not mention prisoners of conscience, and general amnesties in the past have failed to include significant numbers of an estimated 2,100 political prisoners being held. News services, citing Myanmar state television and radio, said the releases would begin tomorrow. Given Myanmar's poor human rights record over the years, I bet they're only planning to release about 30 or 40 prisoners of conscience, with the balance being made up of common criminals. It's time Myanmar had an Arab Spring cleaning. In other news, a judge has ruled that former Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko, whose stupid "wraparound braid" hairstyle I mentioned in April last year, criminally exceeded her powers when she signed a gas deal with Russia in 2009.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Flame wars

There are certain topics everybody knows are going to start a fight - politics, religion, abortion, video game consoles - important things like that. But there's a lot of stuff not on the standard hot-button list that is guaranteed to stir a forum thread into a white-hot frenzy. Topics that you would think people could disagree on reasonably, like dog poop disposal or tipping, can somehow drive people to threaten physical violence. Here are a few:

*Declawing cats: I'm against the practice because claws are part of a cat's survival mechanism, but sometimes, a claw might need to be removed for medical reasons. Same for neutering.
*Tipping: I'm on the fence but in New Zealand, we don't usually tip.
*Does 0.999... = 1? It does as long as you've got a never-ending supply of nines.
*Circumcision: No way. Unless there's a religious or medical reason.
*Veganism: I won't judge your hippie ways but meat is just too tasty for me to stop eating.
*Dog poop: Responsible owners should pick up after their pets just as one would pick up after themselves.

Seriously, guys, can't we just get along?

We have another leader down... we think

Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh said yesterday he would step down in the next few days after months of protests against his 33-year rule that risked tipping the dirt-poor nation bordering Saudi Arabia into civil war and economic collapse. But opponents were sceptical of the wily political survivor who has backed out of a Gulf-brokered power transition plan three times this year, and they should be. Meanwhile, Bashar al-Assad isn't even close to stepping down. But Steve Jobs showed that if you put good Syrian genes (NOT Bashar al-Assad) together with a good education and value system, you can get an exceptional product. In fact, several exceptional products. It was Apple technology which helped the people overthrow autocratic regimes in Egypt, Tunisia, and Libya. The wrong Syrian died last week. It's quite a sick world we live in when Steve Jobs has to die of cancer and Bashar al-Assad remains Syria’s cancer.

The Bears are back in town

President Obama welcomed his hometown team to the White House a quarter-century after it won Super Bowl. The '85 Chicago Bears didn't get the traditional White House reception because of the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster that occurred two days after their Super Bowl victory. In other news, Governor of California Jerry Brown has terminated the sale of shark fins, despite protests from some Chinese American leaders who saw the move as an assault on Asian culture; vetoed a controversial bid to restrict how motorists pass bicyclists; and decided not to require microchip tracking of some dogs and cats. Among the 57 bills he approved were several intended to increase the safety of natural gas pipelines and one that requires that all ballot initiatives be decided in the November general elections, which typically draw greater numbers of liberal voters than June primaries.

Happy birthday to me, soon I'll be 23...

And Jonny Wilkinson and Toby Flood held a penalty shoot-out behind closed doors at Eden Park today to decide who will kick for England in the Rugby World Cup quarter-final against France. I think every team should decide on it's goal kickers that way and maybe the All Blacks should have a coin toss to decide which haka to perform before each game.

Syria's long overdue for a revolution

A group of military defectors known as the Free Syrian Army have said they plan to overthrow President Bashar al-Assad's murderous regime. The group is led by Riad al-Asaad, an air force colonel who recently fled to Turkey, and the group now has more than 10,000 members and he is calling on fellow soldiers to join him. They will soon discover that armed rebellion is the only way to break the Syrian regime, just like it was in Libya. I wish them the best, and I hope Bashar finally leaves. In other news, co-founder and former visionary CEO of Apple, Steve Jobs (who, coincidentally, is partially of Syrian descent), is dead. He was an asset to a great company and Tim Cook will never even be half the CEO that Jobs was. Please, God (if you exist), please let your next scalp be Justin Bieber. His music is just too painful to endure.

How do you like them Apples?

It's easy to point to yesterday's iPhone 4S unveiling as a ho-hum affair, that is, if you were expecting something more. And the truth is, most of the tech world was. Look no further than the slew of rumours that took on a life of their own in the extended wait between last year's model and this one. A bevy of silicon cases flying out of China sporting a dramatic new design derived from an allegedly leaked Foxconn prototype? Check. Gorgeous renderings of devices with a huge display, tapered design, and a change to the iPhone's iconic home button that's gone unchanged since the original? Check. And hey, how about two new iPhone models this year? Add that one to the pile too. What we've now got instead is the iPhone 4S, a phone that looks just like the iPhone 4 on the outside but with faster innards. And yes, people will be lining up to buy it because of the faster innards, especially as the new model is a "world phone"; this means the same model can be used on both GSM and CDMA networks (so no need for two different models). But they could also add a second SIM card tray or an SD card slot, or they could improve their Maps app to include a GPS navigation system like the ones you see in cars (I bet they've already come up with that - or not), or maybe even chuck in support for unofficial third-party apps so that iPhone owners won't need to jailbreak their devices.

Maybe China deserved it

China has stepped up its criticism of a proposed U.S. law that would punish countries with artificially low currencies, saying there would be negative repercussions for both countries if it is passed. Bollocks to that. China should be punished, not because of the greenback-renminbi exchange rate, the fact that not all traffic on PRC-controlled territory drives on the same side of the road (this is also true in the US, where the US Virgin Islands has traffic on the left), or even their alphabet with thousands of letters. They should instead be punished over their stupid claims about being the sole legitimate government over all of China. They are using their ill-gotten power to bring Taiwan down, e.g., Taiwan has to compete under the name Chinese Taipei in several international sporting competitions, and Taiwan's entrants in the Miss World and Miss Universe pageants have to enter as Miss Chinese Taipei instead of Miss Taiwan; and if somebody doesn't start giving that overpopulated commie wasteland a good Arab Spring cleaning, then the Communist Party will just keep acting like stupid douchebags.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The Egyptian military council

Egyptian riot police on Saturday cleared Cairo's Tahrir Square of protesters who had wanted to stage a sit-in following a demonstration demanding an end to emergency laws and a speedy transfer of power to civilians from military rulers. It's all well and good that Mubarak is no longer in power, but the protestors have three demands that the military council need to meet: an end to emergency law, an end to military trials of civilians, and the speeding up of trials of previous top officials. Also, about 60 political parties and groups, including the political wing of the Muslim Brotherhood, have threatened to boycott an upcoming parliamentary election and set a deadline of Sunday (which is also the date the All Blacks hopefully beat Argentina) for the military council to meet their demands. These include approving a law that would effectively prevent many of those who supported Mubarak while he was in power from running for office. And if the military council don't start doing their job, there could be a second revolution.

Canaries don't stand up to the heat

It may be October but this was a taxing work-out in the sweltering sunshine for the champions. That's right, I'm talking about Man United taking down Norwich City 2-0 this morning (NZ time) at Old Trafford. The goal-scorers were Anderson and Danny Welbeck, and one player was booked. Maybe if Dimitar Berbatov had some game time, the scoreline would be a lot higher.

Don't you Bahrain on my parade

The U.N. condemned Bahrain's brutal crackdown on anti-government protesters yesterday. Human rights groups say that since March, 34 people have been killed and more than 1,400 arrested. And now, Bahrain has put doctors on trial - just for treating injured protesters. This rubbish needs to stop because treating the sick and the injured is what a doctor is supposed to do. They should NOT be prosecuting doctors for doing their job, because if that happened on a regular basis, all the doctors would be too scared to help should King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa or some other high-ranking government official fall ill. And besides, even war has rules, for instance, you can't just leave an enemy soldier for dead on the battlefield. This is just wrong and the government should stop it before there are no more doctors left.

The Yanks have a bellend on their flank

More specifically, Louis Stanfill, who was the USA's blindside flanker for the Italy v USA match at Trafalgar Park on Tuesday night, and is the Bellend of the Month for September 2011. He was sent to the sin bin in the second half of the game for mucking about in the scrum, which I suspect he did just to get a Mexican wave going. All you do in a Mexican wave is stand up briefly and raise your hands in the air just because everyone else in the stands is doing so. They are stupid and have absolutely no place in sports. I'd rather have vuvuzelas than that Mexican wave rubbish.

Johnny in the ball pit

A condom that a two-year-old girl found at a McDonald's playground and began chewing was filled with ice-cream and left by a group of schoolgirls. On Saturday, a father was eating lunch at the fast-food chain's restaurant in Geraldton, Western Australia (aerial view pictured), when he said he was "disgusted" to find his daughter coming out of the playground with what was supposedly a used condom in her mouth. But a McDonald's spokeswoman said a group of local schoolgirls have come forward and admitted they played a prank by planting the condom filled with ice cream in the cubby house. But even so, this is just disgusting and it was not the first condom the restaurant had found in the playground that day. Condoms are for covering your penis (if you have one) before sex, not for filling up with ice-cream and leaving in the playground. It would've been a totally different matter had the condom been filled with semen or some other bodily fluid.

Kenya's in the news this time

More specifically, two people from Kenya. Environmentalist Wangari Maathai, the first African woman to receive the Nobel Peace Prize, died last weekend at the age of 71, and Patrick Makau won the Berlin Marathon, setting a new world record of 2 hours, 3 minutes and 38 seconds (21 seconds faster than when Ethiopia's Haile Gebrselassie won it three years ago). I hope Makau wasn't on steroids at the time.

The rebels got to the root of the problem

Anti-Gaddafi fighters overran the port of Sirte early today, scoring a strategic victory in their battle for control of the defeated Libyan leader's birthplace, his loyalists' most important bastion. It's great that the rebels got to the root of their problems but there's still a wee bit to go. In other news, Saudi women now get to run (not to mention vote) in all municipal elections from 2015 onwards, however, they'll have a tough time campaigning because women still can't drive.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga has paid tribute to a bullied gay teen by dedicating her hit tune Hair to the young fan during her performance at the iHeartRadio music festival in Las Vegas on Saturday. The pop superstar launched a campaign to make bullying illegal after learning 14-year-old fan Jamey Rodemeyer allegedly took his own life following years of taunts from peers over his sexuality. But that doesn't make her a better musician than fellow torture device Justin Bieber. She has absolutely no talent whatsoever and seriously, what sort of a name is Lady Gaga? But what those nutjobs did to poor Jamey is just not on. Rest in peace, Jamey.

The Reds' winning streak is over

Man United drew their game against Stoke City this morning at Britannia Stadium. Man United's goal was scored by Nani and Stoke City's goal was scored by Peter Crouch. The only player booked in the whole match was Glenn Whelan.

But ye cannae change the laws of physics!

An international team of scientists said on Thursday they had recorded sub-atomic particles travelling faster than light -- a finding that could overturn one of Einstein's long-accepted fundamental laws of the universe. Measurements taken by the team over three years showed that neutrinos pumped from CERN near Geneva to Gran Sasso in Italy had arrived 60 nanoseconds quicker than light would have done. This is just not possible (unless the neutrinos were on steroids or had help from Chuck Norris) because going faster than light is just science fiction. The speed of light is a cosmic constant and nothing in the universe can travel faster. Either the scientists are wrong or Einstein is.

I'm walkin' away... from the troubles in my life

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has gone on the warpath against the West at the United Nations again, sparking a mass walk-out by outraged US and European delegates. The Iranian leader accused the US of using 9/11 as a "pretext" to invade Afghanistan and Iraq. He also repeated comments casting doubt on the origins of the Holocaust and criticised the United States for killing Osama bin Laden rather than bringing him to trial. The delegates that walked out could have instead stayed and thrown chairs at that bellend. His comments were out of line and the world doesn't need nutjobs like him causing trouble and bringing down well-meaning Western leaders like that. If he thinks he's so tough, he should shove ginger root up his butt and leave it there for a few hours.

They didn't start the earthquake

Several Italian scientists, along with other experts, have been accused of failing to warn residents about a deadly quake and giving "inexact, incomplete and contradictory information" on whether or not tremors felt by L'Aquila residents in the six months before the magnitude-6.3 quake on April 6, 2009, should have constituted grounds for a quake warning. The defendants are facing manslaughter charges after 308 people were killed. This is just stupid because even in areas where earthquakes can be expected, there is no way to predict an earthquake. Even if the tremors were grounds for a warning, the scientists should not be charged with manslaughter. This is wrong and unjust.

Keep to the left, Yankee Doodle

Canterbury police are concerned about the number of drivers crossing the centre line on highways and rural roads. During one weekend this month, police issued 50 infringements to motorists who crossed the centre line on a blind bend on State Highway 7 at Lewis Pass, an area which killed five people in three separate head-on crashes during 2007. I bet this latest spike is due to the tourists here for the rugby, and even if the rule in your country is keep to the right, we keep to the LEFT in New Zealand. Drivers caught crossing the centre line can be fined $150 and lose 20 demerit points for failing to keep left, unless of course you're on a one-way street.

I say deport the Mexican wave

Mexican waves are just stupid. According to Wikipedia, all it is is an example of metachronal rhythm achieved in a packed stadium when successive groups of spectators briefly stand and raise their arms. I was at the Italy v Russia rugby game (the one that finished over an hour ago) and there was a Mexican wave in the second half that lasted about three laps of the stadium. The Mexican wave wasn't even born in Mexico but it needs to be deported from sport because first off, it's just stupid and uncool, and also, stuff could get thrown up in the air. Mexican waves are for douchebags only, and in my opinion, are more appropriate at a funeral than at a sporting fixture.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Chelsea

And it's a good thing Man United beat those bellends 3-1 this morning at Old Trafford. Chris Smalling, Nani, and Wayne Rooney all scored a goal each for Man United, and Chelsea's goal was scored by Fernando Torres. Five players were booked.

Two stars this planet has

Astronomers announced Thursday the discovery of a rare planet that orbits two stars, like Tatooine in the "Star Wars" films, adding to a growing inventory of alien worlds in the curiosity shop of the cosmos. Detected by NASA's $600 million Kepler space telescope, it is the first confirmed solar system of its kind, turning a Hollywood fantasy into astronomical fact. The Saturn-size planet, known as Kepler-16b, circles its twin stars in the constellation Cygnus about every 229 days. Maybe George Lucas should film new Star Wars material there.

Just take it to the skies

Diehard loyalists of Gaddafi unleashed barrages of rockets and mortars to beat back an assault by interim government forces on one of their last bastions in Libya's desert and also held off an advance into his home town. Forced to retreat from Bani Walid by a heavily armed and well dug-in force estimated at several hundred, columns of fighters in pick-up trucks raced back out of the interior desert town on Friday after a day that began with talk of ending the siege and capturing senior figures from the old ruling elite. Maybe it wasn't the best idea for the rebels-turned-government to evacuate the civilians because that gesture may have given the loyalist fighters an extra two days to prepare their counterattack. The rebels should've done something else like using fighter jets - that way, a bomb dropped on the town would take out the loyalist soldiers no problem, even though Bani Walid would be reduced to rubble.

What's next, the Isle of Man TT for Robots?

After scaling the cliff walls of the Grand Canyon and driving the Le Mans racetrack for 24 hours, a tiny Japanese robot is set for a new challenge - Hawaii's grueling Ironman Triathlon course. Fitted with three different bodies and three rechargeable batteries, the hand-sized "Evolta" from electronics firm Panasonic will swim, bicycle and run its way through one of the world's toughest triathlon routes. Maybe if those guys think their robot is so tough, maybe it should take on the most dangerous motorbike race known to man. That's right, the robot should have a go on the Snaefell Mountain Course, which is the racetrack used for the Isle of Man TT. Maybe then the robot will gain some respect.

Oh Stuxnet, well you came and you gave without taking

But the worm couldn't wreak any more havoc at Bushehr and now the nuclear power plant is open. That sucks because a) there could be a repeat of Chernobyl and b) Iran are wasting perfectly good nukes on power when the wind or the sun could create much cleaner electricity and the nukes could be used on China and North Korea, which both need an Arab Spring cleaning like there's no tomorrow. In fact, if the UN are going to accept such dictatorships as members, then it's time for the democracies to walk out, start their own alternative, and cut off all ties to, and enter into a permanent state of war with, the remaining UN members.

The NTC are getting ready to take Bani Walid

But the rebels are giving the civilians time to evacuate first. This could be helpful because lots of civilians have died at the hands of both sides of the conflict. In other news, the Vatican is being taken to the International Criminal Court over the Catholic sexual abuse scandal.

He who served it dealt it

The Liquor Licensing Authority has suspended the licence of the publican of the Poolburn Hotel for three months for failing in his duty of care to his customers. It obviously served that bellend right because he poured drinks for four young Irish farm workers for "a long time" one night last November, and allowed them to drive home in two cars after closing time. Poolburn is 36km northeast of Alexandra and its only pub may be forced to close during the three-month period, missing out on tourists here for the Rugby World Cup, and rightly so because one of the Irishmen who drank all that alcohol was killed when he crashed his car soon after closing time. Tests showed the driver was more than four times over the drink-driving limit, and if the nutjob who served him had any sense at all, this tragedy wouldn't have happened. The days of the jovial country publican are over, and you can't just keep serving booze to a customer who is already drunk and then let them drive home.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Terrorism

Couldn't really think of anything worse this week. Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of 9/11, but I hope nobody is planning an attack during the Rugby World Cup.

9/11 turns ten today

And Man United beat the Bolton Wanderers 5-0 this morning at Reebok Stadium. Two of Man U's goals were scored by Javier Hernandez and three by Wayne Rooney. Two players were booked, both of them being Bolton players with the surname Davies.

The big one-zero is nearly upon us

Osama bin Laden is dead. The end is near in Iraq. The masses in Arab nations are clamouring for democracy. And, most important, there hasn’t been a major attack on U.S. soil in a decade. But does that mean America won? In the 10 years since Manhattan and Washington were hit by airliners-turned-missiles on Sept. 11, 2001, America’s longest war has notched several victories. But many security experts and former government officials say it’s far from over. They're right. There are still terrorist groups out there, and what's more, 9/11 could have something to do with America's current debt crisis. Defence spending has tripled in the last ten years and is likely to put America further and further in debt as the war drags on. It's time for Obama to end this by bringing the troops home.

Could it be Hiroshima all over again for the Galaxy?

Apple is looking for a court in Japan to block the sale of certain Samsung mobile devices. In the latest shot fired in the ongoing patent war between the two companies, a lawsuit filed by Apple in Tokyo District Court seeks to ban sales of Samsung's Galaxy S and S II smartphones as well as the Galaxy Tab 7 tablet in Japan. In my opinion, Android devices are in fact ripping off the OS that Apple use in their iPhone and iPad, and if the Galaxy line is forced out of the Japanese market, Apple would be able to hang on to their well-deserved market share. But Apple shouldn't fire too many bullets in the patent war because there needs to be at least some competition.