That’s one more month shot

Our second anniversary is almost here. But before we get onto that, our Bellend of the Month is to be crowned. This month, it’s Tommy Jordan. That bellend shot his teenage daughter’s laptop and put the incriminating evidence on YouTube. His excuse? “My daughter thought it would be funny/rebellious/cool to post on her Facebook wall just how upset she was and how unfair her life here is; how we work her too hard with chores, never pay her for chores, and just in general make her life difficult. She chose to share this with the entire world on Facebook and block her parents from seeing it. Well, umm... she failed. As of the end of this video, she won't have to worry anymore about posting inappropriate things on Facebook... Maybe a few kids can take something away from this... If you're so disrespectful to your parents and yourself as to post this kind of thing on Facebook, you're deserving of some tough love. Today, my daughter is getting a dose of tough love.” He has the most retarded take on tough love. This is just horrible and he should, at the very least, be made to buy her a new laptop. He joins the tiger mom, the eagle dad, and that judge who beat the crap out of his daughter in 2004 in an ever-growing list of bad parents. If my father ever did that to my laptop, I’d turn that gun on him and make him deader than Amy Winehouse, Steve Jobs, Colonel Gaddafi, Kim Jong-il, and Whitney Houston combined. If you want to see that waste of a man carry out his dirty work, click here.

Reds continue march to the top

Manchester United's title bid was dramatically put back on track yesterday morning by Ryan Giggs' late winner in stoppage time at Carrow Road. Other goal-scorers in the match against Norwich City were Paul Scholes (for Man U) and Grant Holt (for Norwich City). Rio Ferdinand was one of three players to get yellow cards.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Posthumous baptism

Anne Frank, the most famous of all Holocaust victims, has been posthumously baptised at a Mormon temple, fueling the growing controversy over the bizarre practice. The rite was conducted recently in a Mormon temple in the Dominican Republic, according to Helen Radkey, an excommunicated church member turned whistleblower. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints practices proxy baptism, which is when they convert Jews, Christians, and Muslims to the faith years after they died by ritually dunking a stand-in for the deceased. Radkey has revealed that Mormons posthumously baptised thousands of people, including Joan of Arc, Charlie Chaplin, Marilyn Monroe, and Barack Obama’s mother. This is just weird and unnecessary, and there's not much point in baptising the dead. There are people who find God on their deathbeds, but I don't see how posthumously baptising someone is going to make their life the church's definition of better. People should just live while they can. Even if one does live a long and eventful life, be it 70, 80, 90, 100, or even more years, it can't be forever.

Is this a tough carpet to munch on or what?

Three women in Cameroon have been charged with practising homosexuality in what is believed to be the first such case in the country. The case, allegedly involving a lesbian love triangle, came to court on Monday, but has only been reported now due to the remoteness of the area. Homosexual acts in Cameroon are punishable by up to five years in prison. But that's five years too long. Homophobia is widespread in Cameroon, especially in a time where it shouldn't exist anywhere. It is possible that many homophobes may well be closet homosexuals themselves. This needs to stop.

Yemen has officially been freed from the evil Saleh

Yemen swore in its new president today, cementing a power transfer deal reached in November to end months of protests and violence over outgoing leader Ali Abdullah Saleh's longtime rule. Abdurabu Mansur Hadi, who served as Saleh's vice president and became acting president in November in an agreement brokered by the Gulf Cooperation Council, was sworn in today in front of Yemen's parliament. This is another important step forward in the democratic transition process, but it isn't really doing anything to help the oppressed in China or North Korea. And speaking of China, their growing influence in Nepal could mean that the mountainous republic sandwiched between China and India, which for decades has been a safe haven for Tibetans who escape China, could force a crackdown on the Tibetan minority. Traditionally, India has had the biggest influence in Nepal. But China's influence is growing, and as China becomes a bigger factor in Nepal, refugees from neighbouring Tibet say they are being squeezed. This could be bad news for the Tibetan people, and something needs to be done, even if it means war. And speaking of This Means War, I have three words to say about it: Best. Movie. Ever.

Eagle dad was bad enough

At the end of a dirt road leading to a double-wide trailer in rural Alabama, authorities say 9-year-old Savannah Hardin was being forced to run for three hours as punishment for having lied to her grandmother about eating candy bars. The severely dehydrated girl had a seizure and died days later, her death ruled a homicide. Her grandmother and stepmother who police say meted out the punishment are in jail, facing murder charges. This is obviously a very tragic, devastating, heartbreaking situation, and I hope those two scumbags get the chair for making the poor kid do all that running over something so petty as a few candy bars. In other news, Texas authorities removed 11 children on Tuesday from a crowded home where a registered sex offender lives after they found eight confined in a small, dark bedroom with restraints tying some to their beds.

Marriage: now open to same-sex couples

The government's denial of all federal benefits to same-sex married couples is an irrational and unconstitutional act of discrimination, a federal judge ruled yesterday. This is a step toward a likely Supreme Court test of a law known as the Defense of Marriage Act. The Defense of Marriage Act is based on unfounded assumptions about marriage and the suitability of gays and lesbians as parents, and was enacted in 1996 by a Congress avid to show its disapproval of homosexuality, said U.S. District Judge Jeffrey White of San Francisco. The law needs to go because it treats homosexuals (known by some bellends as fags, queers, carpet-munchers, dykes, and lots of other hurtful names) differently on the basis of their sexual orientation without any legal basis. The imposition of subjective moral beliefs of a majority on a minority cannot provide a justification. That horrid piece of crap, signed by Bill Clinton, denies joint tax filing, Social Security survivors' benefits, immigration sponsorship, and hundreds of other federal marital rights to same-sex spouses. But now, the law can one day be removed from the books and consigned to the trash pile where it belongs.

Who wants to see a real double rainbow?

Most people blow out a few candles on their birthdays, but Rihanna, who turned 24 on Monday, seems determined to start a full-on fire. In the wake of Chris Brown’s controversial return to the Grammy stage last week (many people were uncomfortable that Brown, who pled guilty to felony assault after a fight with Rihanna the night before the 2009 Grammys, was welcomed back to the show and given two performance slots), the two have been playing awfully nice with each other. On Monday, Chris Brown tweeted, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBYN” (Rihanna’s real name is Robyn Rihanna Fenty), to which she quickly replied “Thanks!” The small exchange was enough to launch a thousand blog posts asking whether Rihanna should be interacting so benevolently with her former beau, whom many feel has not demonstrated adequate or genuine remorse about his past iniquities. But if Chris Brown truly has changed his ways, then I believe they have a chance of making it work. Even though Chris Brown is still on probation, this has showed us that anything is possible. I just hope they don't screw it up again.

McTestTube with fries and Coke, please

The world's first test tube hamburger will be served up this October after scientists perfected the art of growing beef in the lab. By generating strips of meat from stem cells researchers believe they can create a product that is identical to a real burger. The process of culturing the artificial meat in the lab is so laborious that the finished product, expected to arrive in eight months' time, will cost about £220,000. But researchers expect that after producing their first patty they will be able to scale up the process to create affordable artificial meat products. It might be a bit controversial, but the hunger problem plaguing the poorer nations can soon be put to rest.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Kiwi FM going international

Mediaworks-owned Kiwi FM has announced it will be introducing 40 percent international alternative music to its offerings. It is no secret the radio station has struggled to get a leg up in ratings with Mediaworks radio programme director Andrew Szusterman saying it ranked just a 0.1 percent share in the last biannual radio survey and around 0.4 percent when it was at the top of its game. For the most part, insider word mirrors the poor ratings and expresses the introduction of international music to be a positive change. That may be true, but no matter how crap the ratings are, there needs to be at least one radio station playing 100 percent New Zealand music. That's what made the station what it is, and if they do put the international music on, they'll have to change the name to reflect the change in playlist (Mainly Kiwi FM would be a good name) or face further criticism for false advertising.

Let's see Bear Grylls top this one

A Swedish man has survived being trapped in his snow-covered car for two months without food. The car was found on Friday at the end of a forest track more than 1 km from a main road in northern Sweden. Police say the temperature in the area had recently dropped to -30˚C. The man, who was too weak to utter more than a few words, said he had been inside since the 19th of December. He may have survived by doing a combination of drinking melted snow and going into a state of hibernation like some animals do in the colder months. But at least he's recovering at Umea University Hospital, where staff say he is doing well considering the circumstances. In other news, Latvians have resoundingly rejected the option of making Russian the country's second official language.

The 72 virgins will have to wait

Amine El Khalifi, the Moroccan man accused of trying to blow up the U.S. Capitol, told acquaintances that America's war on terrorism actually was a war on Muslims and they needed to be ready for battle. Then, the 29-year-old unemployed man started preparations of his own — and he thought everything was going according to plan. A man brought him an automatic weapon. He got a suicide vest, scouted out targets, and practiced setting off explosives. But yesterday, his goal to detonate the vest at the Capitol ended with his arrest in an FBI sting, according to U.S. authorities who had been monitoring him for nearly a year. But now, the FBI have got that bellend and he's now ready to be sent to Guantanamo where he belongs.

Marijuana One too close to Marine One

A small private plane carrying a load of marijuana strayed into President Obama's no-fly zone over LA yesterday and was forced to land at Long Beach Airport after being intercepted by U.S. Air Force jet fighters. The four-seat Cessna entered the restricted airspace at about 11 a.m. Pacific as the president was flying from Orange County to LAX aboard Marine One, a military helicopter provided for his use. Federal officials said the aircraft was never close enough to endanger Obama, but that doesn't excuse him being too close to the president or the weed. Aircraft are typically prohibited from flying within 10 miles of any plane or helicopter carrying the president. This rule is for the president's safety, but the marijuana on board shouldn't be that big a deal. The problems caused by some drugs are mostly caused by it being illegal, just like with black markets for alcohol during Prohibition. There are believed to be medicinal benefits as far as marijuana goes. In other news, a veteran Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department deputy has been arrested on suspicion of committing lewd acts with a child.

Saying no to robo

The Federal Communications Commission clamped down on telemarketers yesterday — even those from companies you do business with, such as your bank — by placing severe limits on robocalling and even texting. FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski said Congress and his agency have long recognised the need for consumers to have control over the telemarketing calls that come into their homes, and the FCC has long had rules to put consumers in control. But despite these clear ground rules, too many telemarketers, aided by autodialers and prerecorded messages, have continued to call consumers who don't want to hear from them. But now, this can come to a long overdue end. Telemarketers will now have to:

• obtain prior written consent before placing robocalls to consumers. Written does not mean handwritten, though — electronic forms are OK.
  
• obtain consent even if they had previously done business with the person they want to call. According to Consumer Reports, this means that if you have a checking account at a bank, marketers cannot call you to try to sell you on a home equity line of credit unless you sign off on being contacted.
  
• provide an automated way for people to revoke their consent to the robocall by pressing a few keys on their phone during the call. If this happens, the new rules require telemarketers to add the person to the company's Do Not Call list.
  
• strictly limit the number of so-called dead-air calls in which consumers answer phones and hear nothing.

In other news, a man who was eating at a downtown Las Vegas restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill (it offers "Bypass" burgers, "Flatliner" fries, and free meals to people over 350 pounds) had to be wheeled out of the restaurant on a stretcher on Saturday evening, after a medical episode that restaurant employees say looked like a heart attack.

Back to the Peseta

It is either a taste of Spain's past, or of the future after a euro armageddon. The rural town of Villamayor de Santiago has reintroduced the peseta. With its cobbled square and flocks of sheep, Villamayor seems an unlikely place for a monetary revolution. But in the flatlands of La Mancha, the home of Don Quixote, anything can happen. And it did. Lots of people have pesetas left at home still, and a decade after the currency was formally replaced by the euro, Villamayor's shopkeepers have taken in more than 1 million pesetas. In fact, all of Spain should bring back the peseta because the euro has been immersed in the European sovereign debt crisis since 2009. Governments the Eurozone over are being forced to default on their debts and resort to austerity measures, causing protests. Sorry to tell it like it is, but the euro's just not working out. It was good at first because of less currency changes at the border, but the euro is now at a crisis point. It can, however, still be saved.

Malaysia, truly corrupt

Malaysia's government on Monday defended its decision to deport a young Saudi journalist named Hamza Kashgari who may face persecution at home for allegedly insulting the Prophet Muhammad on Twitter. International rights groups have slammed the deportation but Home Minister Hishammuddin Hussein said Malaysia was not a safe haven for fugitives. That may be so, but everybody is entitled to their own opinion when it comes to stuff like religion. That poor guy should not have been booted out just for expressing an opinion the Malaysian authorities don't agree with. He was kept incommunicado and denied access to lawyers and the U.N. refugee agency just because of the free expression of opinion. By its actions, the ministry of home affairs once again showed that it believes rule of law is whatever it says and that it is more than willing to be totally opaque in its operations to maintain its flexibility to do what it wants when it wants. That act of cowardice means that someone who is about the same age as me could wind up deader than Whitney Houston because of their beliefs.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Galaxy Nexus

Apple has requested a ban on sales in the U.S. of the Samsung Galaxy Nexus smartphone, claiming that the showcase for Google's heavily touted Ice Cream Sandwich version of the Android operating system violates four Apple patents. Delicious as the new version's name may sound, there is no way this Android crap should be allowed on the market. Apple make the best phones and they deserve the market share they've built up over the years. Androids are total rubbish.

Three points does it

Two goals in four second-half minutes from Wayne Rooney took Manchester United to the top of the Barclays Premier League table after a predictably fractious, but thoroughly deserved victory over Liverpool this morning at Old Trafford. The other goal came from Luis Suarez, who started for the first time since receiving an eight-game ban for racially abusing Patrice Evra and unexpectedly shunned the United skipper's offer of a pre-match handshake, and two yellow cards were dished out.

Another parenting low

The latest animal parent, "Eagle dad", has caused an Internet uproar after uploading a video of him ordering his four-year-old son to run almost naked in a blizzard. According to China Daily, the father, He Liesheng, recorded the video of his son, He Yide, on a family vacation to New York during the Spring Festival holiday. In an attempt to make his son, who was born prematurely, and may have cerebral palsy, as strong and healthy as "others", he's implemented a rigorous training schedule including swimming, hiking, and jogging. His excuse? "When the old eagle teaches its young, it takes the young eagles to the cliff side, beats them, and pushes them to teach them to use their wings, and I believe I am helping my son in this way - to force him to challenge limitations and exceed his own expectations." That's bad parenting. This is worse than that whole Amy Chua thing. Ching chong parenting is not very good for children, and at best, it only furthers the stereotype of the overachieving Asian. What the "eagle dad" is doing to his son is child abuse, and he'd better stop it before he loses the kid.

Don't have a cow, girl

A Missouri mother accused of slitting the throat of her 9-month-old baby daughter reportedly tried to get help months before over what she thought was demonic possession. Bradie Simpson of Camden County, Mo., has been charged with first-degree assault and armed criminal action and was jailed on $200,000 bond on Tuesday for the February 4 incident. There is no such thing as demonic possession, and I'm guessing it's a really strange and severe mental disturbance. Also, after finding Simpson and the child, the cops found heroin inside Simpson's home. She seriously needs help.

SEVEN HUNDRED POSTS!

Scientists have shown off the smallest-ever laser that works at the colours of light used in telecommunications and at room temperature. The tiny light sources switch on with no "threshold", meaning they operate much more efficiently than earlier, small laser attempts. They are just one-fifteenth the size of the light waves that they produce, and the cavity where the laser light is generated is less than 100 billionths of a metre across. That really is something because laser beams can, in principle, carry vast amounts of information faster than traditional semiconductor electronics. The principal application for the tiny lights would be in computing and telecommunications, and that would be a real breakthrough for the organisation of protests in the Arab world.

Let there be choice

Last fall, Los Angeles took a hard line on school nutrition. In an attempt to mold better eating habits in kids, the Los Angeles Unified School District eliminated flavored milk, chicken nuggets, and other longtime childhood favorites. But instead of making kids healthier, the changes sent students fleeing from school cafeterias. There have been reports of a thriving trade in black-market junk food, of pizzas delivered to side doors, and of family-sized bags of chips being brought from home. Garbage cans are filling up with the more nutritious food (not if it gets dirtied up for Oscar or any other grouches living inside the bin), even if kids aren't. The lesson? You can't just bully kids into eating healthful foods and take their lunch money. Children will choose their food no matter what you place in the lunch line, even if the choice is simply not to eat. If you impose too big a change, kids will simply bring their lunch from home or have pizza delivered at the side door. Or they may skip lunch altogether and wait for an after-school junk food binge. If I were in charge of the district, the schools would give students a selection of healthy and unhealthy food. As the example in LA makes clear, trying to teach students to eat more healthful foods by removing other choices can backfire. When children (or even adults) feel restricted or forced into a decision, they naturally rebel. This rebellion is the drive behind the Arab Spring and several other revolutions. Heavy-handed measures might be effective at putting nutritious foods on the lunch tray, but it is crucial to remember that the food's nutritional benefits will not materialise until it is eaten. In other news, Michelle Duggar has had a miscarriage, so 19 kids it remains (for now). The other 19 kids' names, all starting with J, are: Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace, and Josie.

Strike a pose... but not that one

Madonna has built a nearly 30-year career on her ability to shock and surprise, especially during awards shows and live TV appearances. And though her glittery, high-energy halftime extravaganza at Sunday's (Monday in several countries) Super Bowl drew praise from the likes of Ashton Kutcher, Christina Aguilera, and Perez Hilton, it was a slip of the finger, and the tongue, by one of her guests that grabbed headlines. During a performance of Madonna's new single, "Give Me All Your Luvin'," singer M.I.A. topped her guest rap with a defiant flip of the middle finger and a not-safe-for-primetime s-bomb lyric.
 NBC's censors were not fast enough to obscure the gesture, or completely blot out the expletive, and following the game the network issued an apology for the incident. "We apologise for the inappropriate gesture that aired during halftime," a spokesperson said. "It was a spontaneous gesture that our delay system caught late." But that explanation doesn't excuse the censors' inaction. However, fault shouldn't be solely on the network. They may have a responsibility to censor inappropriate portions of television broadcasts, but the performers are the ones attempting to stir up trouble, and even if the censors acted in a timely manner, the people in the stadium would still see M.I.A's middle finger. The censors don't have any real control over the performers. But at least there weren't any "wardrobe malfunctions" during this halftime show.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Jonny Evans

That bellend scored an own goal for Chelsea this morning at Stamford Bridge. Had it not been for his stupid mistake, Man United would've been able to give Man City a good run for their money. I'd rather have Hitler on the team because that stupid own goal had given the Blues an undeserved half-time lead, and strikes early in the second period from Juan Mata and David Luiz had seemingly extinguished any hopes United had of closing the gap on Manchester City at the head of the Barclays Premier League table. As far as United's scoring went, Wayne Rooney scored two goals and Javier Hernandez scored one. Two Chelsea players received yellow cards.

Lard have mercy

Hans Feldmeier, a German pensioner who received a tin of American lard 64 years ago in an aid package, has only just tasted it, after discovering that it is still edible. A food expert, Frerk Feldhusen, said the lard was rather gritty and tasteless and hard to dissolve, though quite edible. Feldmeier must be one of the lucky ones because lard that old would most likely have turned rancid a long time ago. The red, white, and blue tin of Swift's Bland Lard bore no expiry date, so we're not sure when rancidification was supposed to have taken place. The test result might make some consumers think twice before discarding food immediately after the expiry date, but I wouldn't take chances with food that was starting to spoil.

Protection: the gravest no-no?

The Catholic Church reacted strongly yesterday to a White House defense of new rules that will force many religious employers in America to provide contraception to their workers in government-mandated health insurance plans. "The White House information about this is a combination of misleading and wrong," said Anthony Picarello, general counsel of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. He said the bishops would "pursue every legal mandate available to them to bring an end to this mandate. That means legislation, litigation, and public advocacy. All options are on the table." What the bishops haven't realised is that contraception stops unwanted pregnancies, and many forms can also stop the spread of diseases like gonorrhoea, syphilis, chlamydia, and HIV. Also, the rules could be made better: religious institutions can qualify for an exemption if the services violate their beliefs, but not if they employ large numbers of people who do not share those beliefs. That should be taken out because if you're an employer, you have a responsibility to insure employees' health, and this includes helping them with covering up their nether-regions before they get it on.

May the frauds be with you

Dishonest bank staff are increasingly preying on their elderly customers, new fraud figures have shown. CIFAS, an anti-fraud organization in the UK whose members include most major banks and building societies, said that there had been an alarming increase in the level of fraud committed by employees, with a third of it involving the theft of cash from customer accounts. Many of these fraudsters steal from elderly and more vulnerable account holders, and their actions are as bad as muggers in the street. This is just not right. Any case of bank staff stealing from customers is unacceptable and this increase is very concerning – particularly at a time when banks are talking about regaining the public’s trust and confidence. Common sense measures such as asking for and then keeping a receipt for any deposit or withdrawal, can help in preventing fraud. Another measure would be to bring back the stocks so the public can throw dung and rotting food at the fraudsters. In other banking news, The Royal Bank of Scotland, which is 83 per cent owned by the taxpayer, will soon stop its ‘basic’ RBS and NatWest account holders from using other banks’ ATM machines.

This teacher got Berndt

Sorry about the bad pun. Mark Berndt, a veteran elementary school teacher, was arrested on horrifying child molestation charges after a film processor gave police photos showing blindfolded children with their mouths taped and cockroaches on their faces. The 61-year-old worked for more than 30 years at Miramonte Elementary in an unincorporated area of south Los Angeles before being fired as a result of the investigation. Miramonte serves a poor, mainly Hispanic neighborhood. More than half of its approximately 1,400 students are still learning English, according to the school's website.

Some of the photos showed Berndt with his arm around children or with his hand over their mouth. Other pictures depicted girls with what appears to be a spoon up to their mouths as if they were going to ingest a clear-white liquid. A blue plastic spoon and container found in the trash in Berndt's classroom tested positive for semen. None of the photos showed the students actually eating the semen, but the children reported they didn't like the taste. Authorities are recommending the children be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Also, some of the children's mouths and faces had large, live Madagascar-type cockroaches on them. This is just stupid and he should never be allowed to teach again.

A tale of two stars

Javier Hernandez and Dimitar Berbatov both scored penalties this morning at Old Trafford as Manchester United erased Manchester City’s three-point lead in the title race with a fourth consecutive league win, this time against Stoke City. The final score against Stoke City was 2-0. Three players were booked.