The doctor who wouldn't help

The Bellend of the Month for October 2015 is Gregory Perry, a doctor at the DeGraff Memorial Hospital in Buffalo, New York. He is being sued after an incident last October when he insisted father-of-one Michael Cleveland was dead for 100 minutes, before declaring that he actually had a pulse, as claimed by the lawsuit. Mr Cleveland's wife Tammy had spent each of those 100 minutes trying to get help for her husband, who later died, as he fought for his life. It all started when Mr Cleveland had a heart attack at a grocery store and was rushed to the hospital in a critical condition. Dr Perry pronounced him dead and said that while it looked like Mr Cleveland was still breathing, he just 'had a lot of energy to expel from his body', it has been claimed. Widow Mrs Cleveland said she initially believed the doctor, but kept seeing 'more and more signs' that her husband was still alive. A doctor should be absolutely certain about it, and have done all they can to save them, before pronouncing a person dead instead of refusing to help like Perry did.

Keep 'em separate, stupid

For those days you just don't care

Whn cnsnnts ttck

THE BIG REVIEW: The violent confrontation

The incidents started when a Spring Valley High School teacher told the student to leave the classroom. When the student refused, Richland County Sheriff's Deputy Ben Field was called in. It's not clear what happened immediately before the cell phone video starts recording. But when it does, the school resource officer is heard telling the student to get up from her desk. "You're either going to come with me, or I'm going to make you," he says. The student doesn't budge. Fields tells her, "Come on, I'm going to get you up," and tries to pull her from the desk. She falls backward in her chair, but the officer doesn't stop. He lifts her body slightly off the ground and hurls her several feet across the room. The cop has been placed on administrative leave. The school resource officer has been told to not return to school pending an investigation by the department. Seriously, the department investigating their own officers? That would be like allowing the Mob to internally investigate the murders that their own hitmen commit.

No goals, no glory

It was intense, physical, and highly competitive, but in the end, the 170th Manchester derby finished in stalemate as United and City frustrated each other at Old Trafford, where substitute Jesse Lingard almost stole the show when he hit the bar late on. This fixture has provided fans with goals galore in recent history, as well as the odd moment of greatness, but the latest meeting could not live up to form. The result leaves City top of the Barclays Premier League on goal difference ahead of Arsenal, with United placed fourth behind West Ham. A scoreless draw is better than a loss but it's not good enough if you want the silverware at the end of the season.

I am so doing this to my family's Netflix

Planking goes chicken

From factory workers posing at precarious heights to Max Key in his living room, planking became a global trend in 2011. The craze involved individuals posting photos of themselves lying face down, rigid, and in obscure, sometimes dangerous locations. One Brisbane man died after attempting a 'plank' from a balcony. Now, a new craze is on the rise, sparked by a Kiwi Facebook group. Frozen Chook features people posing in strange, often scenic places naked and curled up like a packaged supermarket chicken. It will soon blow over.

Now it is time / to stop the rhymes / and go somewhere else / maybe somebody's house?

A much-loved Dunedin vegetarian restaurant is set to close and leave a long-running poetry collective homeless. Circadian Rhythm Cafe owner Sue Harrison said the vegetarian restaurant in St Andrew St would close on December 19. The lease on the building was not available for renewal, and the customers are upset and confused the cafe was set to close. They've had it so good for so long - the cafe had been in the St Andrew St building for more than 11 years, with Ms Harrison owning the business for nine years. If she had not found suitable premises in central Dunedin before December 19, the business would close and she would focus on the search. But the cafe's customers aren't the only ones that will be affected - Octagon Poets Collective member Carolyn McCurdie said the collective had been holding poetry readings in the cafe for seven years. Their final monthly meeting in the cafe would be on November 18. If you're a fan of poetry, mark the date and venue on your calendars now, but just a heads-up: it's going to be quite sad, as the meeting space was perfect and would be missed. The collective is too searching for another place for the meetings. And as for the building itself, the owner has plans for a Turkish restaurant in the St Andrew St building. Seriously, people, go for the belly-dancing but don't stay for the kebabs.

This myth has been confirmed

And by myth, I mean this: Mythbusters is going to be canceled. The reality series will come to an end following its 14th season, set to air next year. The popular program — famous for debunking high-profile myths or widespread urban legends — was one of cable television's longest-running shows and will go out after 248 episodes and 2,950 experiments. I guess we all saw this one coming what with three shows about Alaska which are different only in title - those shows being Alaska: The Last Frontier, Edge of Alaska, and Alaskan Bush People - polluting their schedule.

Now onto what last night's post was supposed to be about

Possible legal action is looming against a school in Denham Springs, Louisiana. A mother says Northside Elementary is guilty of endangering her son when he attended the school last year. The student, Gabreil Amos, demonstrated Thursday what has become a polarizing topic for parents: recess detention. "They didn't tell us what was going on with our children," said his mom, Cynthia Amos. She's the latest parent to say the school made her son hold safety cones as a form of punishment. "I was kind of astounded. I was like, 'I can't see anybody doing anything like this to a child,'" said Amos. This allegedly happened when Gabreil was in third grade last year. But his mom just found out when he opened up Wednesday night following the report. The reason she's just finding out is because Gabreil said he was afraid to tell. "They said if I told my parents that I would have five more days of it," he said. Livingston Parish Schools Superintendent John Watson confirmed that punishment using safety cones did happen last year at the school, but as an alternative to suspension and only with parental consent. Gabreil's mother said that's not true. "I just don't understand how that is acceptable punishment for my child especially when I had signed paperwork that no form of corporal punishment was allowed," said Amos. Supt. Watson also said it wasn't happening anymore, which conflicted with what two other parents said in the report. Seriously, come on. If they don't think they did anything wrong, they wouldn't have hid it. And you can't do that sort of crap to children. What may be "recess detention" to them is borderline child abuse.

THE BIG REVIEW: Recess detention

More when I can get the source material to load.

Good luck making that function now

Three goals, three points, all on the Toffees' home ground

Manchester United got back to winning ways and earned a first victory at Goodison Park since 2011 thanks to goals from Morgan Schneiderlin, Ander Herrera, and Wayne Rooney. It was the perfect way for the Reds to return to Barclays Premier League action following the international break and a chastening 3-0 defeat at Arsenal last time out. The result also maintained pressure on the leaders, Manchester City, who secured a comfortable 5-1 win over Bournemouth at the Etihad Stadium. This is just the sort of performance we want from Moyes' old club, even when they're not playing Moyes' old club. A few more of those and they may well have the silverware back in their cabinet going into next season.

Sprint in name but not in speed

Sprint, the nation's fourth-largest cellular carrier, has announced that it will begin throttling connection speeds of unlimited data customers chewing through more than 23GB of data in a monthly billing period. As detailed by Sprint's chief technology officer Dr. John Saw, the new policy is an attempt to address an ever-present need for increased mobile bandwidth. The 23GB cap will protect the vast majority of subscribers against a "small minority" of unlimited data customers who "unreasonably" eat up network resources. Saw notes unlimited customers will, as their plans state, be able to use an unlimited amount of data per month, but might see connection speeds drop when they hit the 23GB mark. As he explains, the quality of service technique operates in real time, meaning throttling is applied based on current network conditions. Unlimited data users will be prioritized below other subscribers only in times and locations where the network is strained, Saw says. Prioritization windows are calculated every 20 milliseconds, and throttled users will see services restored to normal operating speeds once traffic conditions at a particular cell site clear. But they've got to remember that carrier throttling is a somewhat controversial practice, and one that recently came under fire from federal regulators. Last year, Verizon drew the ire of Federal Communications Commission Chairman Thomas Wheeler for a "network optimization" initiative designed to limit 4G LTE speeds for unlimited customers. The restrictions weren't implemented, and Sprint better not put theirs through otherwise the FCC could be all over them.

Why would anyone do that;

Cairns to be hit for six

Black Caps captain Brendon McCullum's greatest test as a cricketer is about to begin: he has arrived at the Southwark Crown Court to give evidence against his former idol Chris Cairns. McCullum is expected to start giving evidence at time of writing as the second witness in the trial, which is on charges of perjury and perverting the course of justice. But why turn on one you looked up to? Here's why: he has accused Cairns, described in court as his idol, of trying to recruit him to fix matches when he was playing T20 cricket in the Indian Premier League in 2008. Cairns' legal team is expected to accuse McCullum of lying and question why he took nearly three years to report the alleged corrupt approach to cricket authorities. But if Cairns really did fix matches, he should be ashamed of himself. He will have let down not just McCullum, but many others who have looked up to him over the years.

Just as well the two are related

THE BIG REVIEW: Lukashenko

Looks like Belarus are stuck with that bellend for another term, all because of a potentially rigged election and the "none of the above" option getting more votes than any of his opposition. This screencap says it all:

It's just a matter of flag

The Wellington mayor's decision to fly five alternative New Zealand flags above the Town Hall on the anniversary of Passchendaele, New Zealand's worst wartime disaster, has been labelled "absolutely disgusting". Ted Lang, whose grandfather served in World War I, said Celia Wade-Brown's decision to place the five alternatives near the flag under which 845 Kiwis died at Passchendaele in 1917 was breathtakingly offensive. "It's a real kick in the guts for the old soldiers," he said. "It's absolutely disgusting. It's more than offensive." Seriously, just harden up. One of those other flags could soon replace the one we have now, so we might as well get used to them.

Wizzin' Khalifa

Pittsburgh police say rapper Wiz Khalifa has been cited for urinating in public. City public safety spokeswoman Sonya Toler says it happened at about 2:30 a.m. Saturday behind a bar called The Flats on Pittsburgh’s South Side. Representatives for Khalifa, who is known for hits like “Black and Yellow” and “See You Again,” did not immediately return phone and email messages from The Associated Press seeking comment on the citation, which is basically a ticket. Let's just hope he doesn't do it again. I can hold it in until I find a toilet, and so can he.

Name the band

Buddy you're a boy make a big noise

Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day

You got mud on yo' face

You big disgrace

Kickin' your can all over the place

Singin'

Technically he did what she asked

The cake says it all

Arbitration no longer cuts it for the CFPB

Banks and credit card companies may not force customers to sign away their legal rights to take part in class action lawsuits, under an early-stage U.S. government proposal that is likely to draw ire from Wall Street. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau says the proposal marks the first step in the process of potentially drafting regulations to ban certain "free pass" arbitration clauses, often buried in fine print, that consumers must sign off on when opening financial accounts. Banks, credit card companies, lenders, and broker dealers typically use such clauses as a way to shield themselves from lawsuits and lower their legal costs. Signers cannot file claims in federal courts, and have to resolve disputes individually through privately appointed arbitrators. "The essence of the proposals we have under consideration is that they would get rid of this free pass that prevents consumers from holding their financial providers directly accountable for the harm they cause when they violate the law," CFPB Director Richard Cordray said in prepared remarks he plans to deliver at a hearing on the topic in Denver, Colorado. This is long overdue, as companies should not be able to place themselves above the law and evade public accountability by inserting the magic word 'arbitration' in a document and dictating the favorable consequences. All that's needed now is for it to become law.

THE BIG REVIEW: Wattie's Baked Beans

They're just one of the good things about living in New Zealand. But even they are not immune to the odd problem or two. As problems go it doesn't amount to a hill of (baked) beans in this crazy world, but a James Wood would like the scales to tip a little more in his favour. Three times in recent weeks the Wellington man has weighed the baked beans from Wattie's 420 gram cans, and has found the contents to be wanting. He set out his concerns in postings on Wattie's Facebook page. The company responded with an apology. Wood's first posting included a picture of an empty 420g can next to some scales on which there was a bowl of beans. The scales showed a weight of 386g. A Heinz Wattie's spokesman said it was "very rare" for cans to be underweight, and 386g would be "very significantly under-filled". "That's what we can't understand." In a second posting, Wood included video of himself weighing the contents of a can of beans. The footage showed Wood opening the can and emptying it into a bowl on the scales which had been zeroed. "This time it weighed a little more than last time. But still a lot under the 420g net shown on the tin," Wood said. While the weight reading is unclear on the footage shown on the Watties Facebook page, the original of the video shows a figure of 397g. I hope this isn't a widespread problem because if it says 420g on the tin, the customer should have a reasonable expectation that they will get at least that much. You can get into some serious trouble for selling short weight, which is why a lot of places tend to slightly overfill packages. So whatever may be causing him to receive less bean for his buck needs to be fixed, the sooner the better.

Three goals, just not in the right net

It was a day to forget for Manchester United at Emirates Stadium as three goals in the opening 20 minutes sealed a 3-0 win for Arsenal. The hosts raced in a two-goal lead through Alexis Sanchez and Mesut Ozil in the first 10 minutes, before Sanchez netted another soon after. Having been outplayed for most of the first period, United improved after the break and forced Petr Cech into a couple of good stops, but the damage had already been done. That's just one game, but there will be some serious damage coming the Reds' way if Louis van Gaal doesn't pull his head in like right now. There's losing, and then there's falling from first to seventh in the space of one season.

A B C D E F Google

Google Inc has completed the move to reorganize as Alphabet, and its stock will begin trading as Alphabet on the Nasdaq under the same tickers “GOOG” and “GOOGL” on Monday. Each share of Google will be automatically converted to Alphabet stock. Mountain View, California-based Google said in August it would create a new company that would oversee both its highly lucrative Internet business and its growing flock of other ventures like building self-driving cars and researching ways to prolong human life. The goal is to provide more independence for divisions like Nest, which makes Internet-connected home appliances, and Calico, which is conducting cutting-edge health research. Let's just hope Alphabetting something that would normally be Googled doesn't become a thing, because it would be a shame for the company to not have a place for the brand that made it famous. Look what happened to Coke when they tried to imitate Pepsi back in 1985.

Can't believe it's only been 25 years

Coolest. Lock. Ever.

The evil prank to end all evil pranks