The Gay Promotee not promoted

The Bellend of the Month for April 2016 is one of Scotland Yard's top female officers, Commander Christine Jones. 50-year-old Jones, who oversaw the Met's security operation at the 2011 Royal Wedding, is being investigated over claims she discriminated against a senior gay colleague, namely blocking Superintendent Steve Deehan's bid for promotion. The £110,000 a year Jones is alleged to have misrepresented other people's views on 48-year-old Supt Deehan's application for a higher rank. Supt Deehan is openly homosexual and has spoken out in the past over the need for more diversity in the Met. The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said it is probing whether Commander Jones' alleged actions were 'aggravated by discrimination'. They clearly were. Anyone can see that.

Traffic lights on the pavement

That's right, the circles on the ground in the bottom photo are traffic lights so those who text while walking don't get run over.

The straight way is not always the shortest

Justice has prevailed for the 96

THE BIG REVIEW: Loopholes

At this point, even Justin Bieber would be a better name than that of a Confederate soldier

Reds make it to FA Cup final

That's right, Manchester United have beaten Everton to secure a spot in the FA Cup final. Just days earlier, they closed the gap on top-four rivals Arsenal and Manchester City with a routine 2-0 win over Crystal Palace, providing a timely morale boost ahead of the game at Wembley. The victory – secured via a Damien Delaney own goal and Matteo Darmian volley – left the Reds just a point behind the Gunners ahead of their game-in-hand against West Bromwich Albion on Thursday, with Manuel Pellegrini’s Blues two points ahead after their draw at Newcastle earlier in the week. I hope LVG can at least win the FA Cup.

Pluto Pluto Pluto, Oi Oi Oi

Nothing compares to this as far as bad news goes

Yesterday, the Queen turned 90. But Prince will not reach that milestone for he has become the artist formerly known as alive. May the doves cry purple rain.

Here's what comes after 4/20

Blazing up some good karma for 4/20

A teenager who found Thor's wallet and returned it has been rewarded with a cool US$10,000 (NZ$14,200). When 17-year-old Tristin Budzyn-Baker found Australian actor Chris Hemsworth's wallet he was more than a little surprised. He could have done many things with the star's wallet, packed with cash and all his personal information, but the boy scout chose to do the right thing. Budzyn-Baker went on to appear with Hemsworth on the Ellen DeGeneres Show to tell how he returned the movie star's wallet. Hemsworth said he had been dining with his family in a "pretty rough area"  of Los Angeles when he lost his wallet. "I left my wallet on the table and thought 'I'm never going to get it back, I'm never going to see it again'," Hemsworth said. The boy scout picked the wallet up and was shocked to learn its owner. "I was like mum, do you know who this is? We found Thor's wallet!" Budzyn-Baker said. "We were speechless. We didn't know what to do." Thor or not, I would have banked all the cash and had a huge online spending spree (has to be online or at a retailer with PayWave because I'm not going to know the PIN) to max out the credit cards, because seriously, I need the money if I'm ever going to get off my cousin's couch and into a decent house.

THE BIG REVIEW: Marcus Rashford

Just the man LVG needs to get the Reds back to winning ways.

Here's something for world governments to aim for

Villa stuck at the bottom

Manchester United applied pressure to fourth-placed rivals Manchester City with a 1-0 victory over Aston Villa, courtesy of Marcus Rashford's first-half strike. Louis van Gaal made five changes to the XI that started at West Ham in midweek but the match lacked any real intensity, even if defeat confirmed the Midlanders' inevitable relegation to the Championship. And it's set to get worse - David Moyes is the man Aston Villa want to lead them back to glory after the end of their 28-year run in the top flight was confirmed with the defeat at Manchester United. Following relegation, Moyes has been promised significant funds to take the Midlands club back up at the first attempt having seen the experiments of relatively inexperienced managers Tim Sherwood and Remi Garde backfire dismally. Owner Randy Lerner and his new-look board still have a lot of persuading to do before Moyes decides to make Villa his fifth club after spells with Preston North End, Everton, Manchester United, and Real Sociedad. After what he pulled at Man United, I wouldn't recommend him for a club in the drop zone lest they end up in League One come season's end.

FBI can't has data

Apple is saying no to the government — again. In a legal filing late Friday, the tech giant argued it should not be compelled to aid federal law enforcement officials who seek to extract data from a confessed meth trafficker's iPhone because they have not exhausted all means to bypass the unit's built-in security code. The company's lawyers also contended that the Department of Justice misinterpreted the All Writs Act, the 1789 statute that government lawyers used as the legal basis for asking a Brooklyn federal court to compel Apple's assistance. Apple filed the legal brief in response to the government's appeal of a March ruling in which Brooklyn Magistrate Judge James Orenstein rejected federal prosecutors' application. "The government has utterly failed to satisfy its burden to demonstrate that Apple’s assistance in this case is necessary," Apple said in the 45-page filing. "The government has made no showing that it has exhausted alternative means for extracting data from the iPhone at issue here." But if they found such a means with Syed Farook's iPhone, I'm sure they can do it again without a messy court battle.

It's multiplex not multitext

One of the largest cinema chains in the US is considering letting customers use their mobile phones during films. AMC chief executive Adam Aron said he wanted to encourage so-called millennials to visit the cinema. He told Variety magazine: "You can't tell a 22-year-old to turn off their cellphone. That's not how they live their life." But he said he would have to find a solution that did not disturb other movie-goers. I have one: how about just turning the damn phone off? I grew up in a generation of respect for the rules of common decency, and I know to switch my phone off or at least put it in flight mode for just three hours at the most. We pay good money to be able to watch the latest blockbuster without hearing some disrespectful yob sitting a few seats away talking on their phone like a Trump supporter or an ISIS militant.

The WTF means WTF as in it ain't the weekend yet

So a goat walks into a Starbucks

It sounds like a joke. But it's true. A goat really did walk into a Starbucks. It happened a couple of days ago in Rohnert Park, Calif., when a goat whose name is Millie somehow got away from her home and ambled over to the nearby strip mall. Employees dangled a banana in front of the goat in the hope of apprehending her, but she preferred to chew on a cardboard box, which is a much healthier option than the sugary coffees us humans go to Starbucks for. And a much better Starbucks experience than what happened in yesterday's post.

THE BIG REVIEW: The Cup Label of Death

As if the red cup thing last Christmas wasn't enough, a Florida man received more than he bargained for after ordering a coffee at a Starbucks in St. Augustine, and he is not happy. It wasn't what was inside the cup that upset this Starbucks customer, it was what was written on the coffee cup label: "DIABETES HERE I COME." The customer had ordered a grande (16oz) cup of white mocha, which has 470 calories when it's made with 2-percent milk. A photo of the message on the cup accompanies this post. And what was written on the label hurt the customer on a personal level, for his two sisters suffer from Type 1 diabetes. "That first word just automatically brought the picture of both sisters in my head, and I was taken aback," said the Starbucks customer, who did not wish to be identified. This customer works near the coffee shop and a fellow employee picked up coffees for their staff. His cup had the unusual message, and it hit close to home. "Just the struggles they went through and all the doctor appointments they had," said the customer of his sisters. That is just mean. Sure their drinks may not be the healthiest option out there, but putting such a mean thing on the receipts is totally out of line. None of the Starbucks in New Zealand would do anything as retarded as put customers down over their poor life choices.

Spurs take out the Reds

Tottenham Hotspur scored three times inside six second-half minutes to inflict a 3-0 defeat on Manchester United, leaving the Reds four points shy of the Barclays Premier League top four. Dele Alli, Toby Alderweireld, and Erik Lamela scored the quickfire goals in devastating fashion to secure Spurs' first win over United at White Hart Lane in 15 matches, since a 3-1 triumph in May of 2001. The result means qualification to next season’s UEFA Champions League looks a tall order for Louis van Gaal's men with only six top-flight matches left to play this season. “It is not the weekend we wanted," conceded a disappointed Michael Carrick afterwards. "But there are a few weekends left yet." And in those weekends, they better step it up. Losing will not get you the title.

Smash it your way

A prank caller tricked workers at a US Burger King into smashing the windows of the Minnesota restaurant to keep it from exploding, police said Saturday, mirroring similar deceptions at Burger Kings and other fast-food restaurants in other states in recent months. Police said employees at the restaurant in the Minneapolis suburb of Coon Rapids (which seriously needs to change its name like right now) got the call Friday night from someone claiming to be with the fire department. The caller said the restaurant could explode, so they needed to relieve the pressure. The manager and other employees believed the caller and smashed all the windows on the ground floor. "Officers arrived and found that the manager and employees of the Burger King were smashing out the windows,'' Sgt. Rick Boone told the Star Tribune. "The manager explained they'd received a phone call from a male who identified himself as a fireman who said there were dangerous levels of gas in the building and they had to break out all the windows to keep the building from blowing up.'' This is a stupid and expensive idea for a prank, with repair estimates for similar incidents in other states exceeding US$10,000. And as much as it's making me want to do this, I just hope nobody pulls that crap in New Zealand.

Apologies to all our readers in Brazil

#bellaception

The Brave Little Club That Couldn't has almost done it

Leicester City are on the brink of greatness. Mathematically, they are just four wins away from sealing a totally unprecedented first ever league title, having been rated 5000/1 title longshots and among the favourites for relegation at the season’s start. Seven points clear of Tottenham with six games remaining, 12 more points will give them an unassailable lead, but history suggests they might in fact be closer to the title than that. In the Premier League era, the league leader at this stage of the season has gone on to lift the trophy in 16 out of 23 seasons. Of the seven times they have been overtaken during the run-in, three have been when the second-placed team have had a game in hand, while on another occasion only goal difference had separated the top two. On two of the remaining three occasions that a points difference has been thrown away, that lead was just one point – in 1992/93 when Aston Villa capitulated in a way that even the most cynical fan would not predict of Leicester this year, as well as in 2009/10 when Chelsea caught and toppled Manchester United. This may be Leicester City's year, but hopefully Loser van Gaal gets it together over at Man United and delivers a capable team of the kind that made Sir Alex Ferguson and Matt Busby great.

So a duck walks into a bar

THE BIG REVIEW: Way too much sun

Dunedin residents were among those who awoke to find sweltering temperatures being forecast by the MetService today after a system error on their website and app. At 3.53am it was recorded that the temperature in Dunedin was 118degC and doubled as the expected high for the day. The temperature also displayed on the Otago Daily Times Online, a result of the MetService error. Around 7am, MetService tweeted that the temperatures were displaying an extra first digit and that they should be fixed. Other centres had similarly high temperatures forecast, with Blenheim being recorded at 119degC, Paraparaumu (just north of Wellington) at 218degC, and Auckland at 221degC. The hottest official temperature recorded on Earth's surface was 56.7degC, in Death Valley, California in 1913, so there is no way that temperatures of 118 degrees would be realistic.

Thousandth goal at home takes all the glory

Anthony Martial scored Manchester United's 1,000th Premier League goal at Old Trafford to seal a narrow 1-0 win over Everton on the day when the Sir Bobby Charlton Stand was unveiled. Martial grabbed the decisive strike seven minutes into the second half as he squeezed the ball home from substitute Tim Fosu-Mensah's low cross, as the Reds moved above West Ham United into fifth. Boss Louis van Gaal opted to stick with the same XI that defeated rivals Manchester City before the international break, but did make two changes on the substitutes' bench as Ander Herrera and Ashley Young replaced Adnan Januzaj and the injured Bastian Schweinsteiger. The atmosphere before kick-off at Old Trafford was particularly special, with fans in the Sir Alex Ferguson Stand holding aloft coloured tiles to spell 'Sir Bobby' in one giant mosaic effect, as the South Stand was renamed in the club legend's honour in the 60th year since his United debut. But we all know it's going to take more than a stand renaming to give Man United their first Premier League victory without Sir Alex. It takes season-long consistency over 38 matches, 19 at home and 19 on the road. And that isn't easy for any team, but if other teams can manage Premier League glory without the firm hand of Sir Alex, then I don't see why Man United can't give it a go.

Some dude missed every single number by one

Apple turns 40

Apple Computer Company was founded 40 years ago yesterday, on April Fools’ Day, in Los Altos, California, by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Gerald Wayne. To celebrate its big four-oh — as Microsoft did last year — the company is flying a commemorative pirate flag at its headquarters, 1 Infinite Loop, in Cupertino, a short drive away from Apple’s place of origin. Today, Apple Inc. sells much more than just desktop computers. There are laptops, portable music players, smartphones, tablets, set-top boxes, watches, and myriad accessories, like the elegant Apple Pencil. It is reported to be looking into virtual reality headsets and even a car. Here's a better way for Apple to get into the car market: they have so much money they could buy Ford, General Motors, and Tesla while still having at least 40 billion left over. But will the regulators allow the mass buyout of three big automotive firms? Probably not. But it's worth trying.

This is what I believe in now

All heil the new reich - liners, that is.