It'll be all light on the night

The Bellend of the Month for October 2016 is this excessive display of unnecessary lights, which is currently under construction on an intersection in Christchurch that has seen zero accidents over the years:

But now that the trick or treaters are descending upon us to rot their teeth with sugary snacks, let's reflect on what this time of year really symbolises:

Burnley not burnt at goals

Frustration was the overriding feeling as Manchester United were held to a goalless draw by Burnley at Old Trafford. The Reds, who were the dominant force throughout, came up against former Academy graduate Tom Heaton in fine form in the Clarets goal, and were left to rue a host of missed chances as Zlatan Ibrahimovic hit the crossbar and captain Juan Mata struck a post. Ander Herrera was sent off midway through the second half for a second bookable offence as Jose Mourinho’s men, who drew a blank for the third successive Premier League game, were denied a first league victory in four games in front of a sell-out crowd at the Theatre of Dreams. But seriously, Ferguson was what the Reds needed all along.

Listen to Einstein and vote for Jill Stein

Get a spine, don't mock Stein

Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein labeled accusations of her links to Wall Street, coal, and the pharmaceutical industry as “a blatant smear attack” following an article in The Daily Beast that labeled her investments a conflict of interest. “This disingenuous shaming exercise is an effort to silence dissent, and a blunt attempt to bully people into refraining from exercising their democratic rights to free speech and political action,” Stein said via her website. Referencing Stein’s 2016 financial disclosure form and a 2015 federal tax return, the article claimed that Stein and her husband profited from funds with investments in corporations such as Exxon, Chevron, JP Morgan Chase, and Pfizer. The presidential candidate said that she had no control over the decision making of her investment funds and has “taken steps to divest from the worst of these holdings,” adding the investments were a “far cry from the Clintons’ backroom fundraising” and the “predatory economics” of Republican candidate Donald Trump. I may not be able to vote on account of me being from New Zealand, but if you are eligible to vote in the election, PLEASE don't vote for Trump or Clinton. Jill Stein and Ajamu Baraka are the only President and VP pair that can be trusted.

Bee aware, people

THE MIDWEEK REVIEW: The Dakota Access Pipeline

#HonortheTreaties #NoDAPL

15 years ago, an OS was born

Situation Normal, All Foured Up

It proved to be a Stamford Bridge return for Jose Mourinho to forget as the Reds boss saw his Manchester United side beaten 4-0 by former team Chelsea. The hosts netted the fastest goal of the Premier League season, after just 30 seconds, through Pedro who made the most of a defensive mix-up and slotted home. Gary Cahill fired a second on 22 minutes from a corner, before Eden Hazard added a third just after the hour-mark by finishing off a neat move from Chelsea. N’Golo Kante completed the scoring with a fine solo effort after 70 minutes on a really disappointing day for the Reds. It was a day to forget for the Reds, despite an impressively vocal backing from the away fans, but another big game lies right around the corner with a Manchester derby to come next, on Wednesday in the EFL Cup.

Paper by Siri

A University of Canterbury researcher's paper on nuclear physics, written entirely by iOS auto-complete, has been accepted by a US conference. Associate Professor Christoph Bartneck explained the strange turn of events in a blog post. On Thursday, Bartneck received an invitation from the International Conference on Atomic and Nuclear Physics to submit a paper. "Since I have practically no knowledge of Nuclear Physics I resorted to iOS auto-complete function to help me writing the paper," he explained. Bartneck, whose background is in Industrial Design and Human-Computer Interaction, started sentences for the paper using words linked to the field like "atomic" and "nuclear" and let the operating system's auto-complete function do the rest. "The text really does not make any sense." Bartneck also added an illustration on nuclear physics from Wikipedia, a few references, and created a fake identity for himself - Iris Pear (inspired by Apple's Siri). He submitted the paper (entitled Atomic Energy will have been made available to a single source) to the conference organisers and Americans being the stupid nutjobs they are, it was accepted within three hours. Automatically generating scientific articles had become easy with special dedicated software, Bartneck said. But this was a whole new ballgame. "I know that iOS is a pretty good software, but reaching tenure has never been this close." To give you an idea of just how nonsensical the finished product was, the abstract reads like so:

• Atomic Physics and I shall not have the same problem with a separate section for a very long long way. Nuclear weapons will not have to come out the same day after a long time of the year he added the two sides will have the two leaders to take the same way to bring up to their long ways of the same as they will have been a good place for a good time at home the united front and she is a great place for a good time. The atoms of a better universe will have the right for the same as you are the way we shall have to be a great place for a great time to enjoy the day you are a wonderful person to your great time to take the fun and take a great time and enjoy the great day you will be a wonderful time for your parents and kids. Molecular diagnostics will have been available for the rest by a single day and a good day to the rest have a wonderful time and aggravation for the rest day at home time for the two of us will have a great place for the rest to be great for you tomorrow and tomorrow after all and I am a very happy boy to the great day and I hope he is wonderful. Nevertheless I have to go back home to nuclear power to the united way she is to be the first woman united to work on their own and the rest will be the same way as she will have to come back to work and we are still not the way we shall have the united side and we are not the same way she is the way she said the same as she was a good time. Physics are great but the way it does it makes you want a good book and I will pick it to the same time I am just a little more than I can play for later and then it is very very good for a good game. Nuclear energy is not a nuclear nuclear power to the nuclear nuclear program he added and the nuclear nuclear program is a good united state of the nuclear nuclear power program and the united way nuclear nuclear program nuclear. Scientist and I have been very good to me today I hope I have to work on tomorrow after work today so far but I'm still going for tomorrow night at work today but I'm not going home said I am a good friend and a great time for the rest I have been doing. Physics are great but the same as you have been able and the same way to get the rest to your parents. Atoms for a play of the same as you can do with a great time to take the rest to your parents or you will be nucleus a great time for a great place. Power is not a great place for a good time.

If you want to see how that was possible, click here. But now, his paper has been accepted for the oral presentations and he has been invited to register to secure his place. The conference is set to be held in Atlanta, Georgia on November 17 and 18 (the week after either of the two worst candidates in history makes it to the White House).

Purplest of tunes to be released from beyond the grave

Warner Bros Records is about to unveil two projects by the late megastar Prince that include previously unreleased material. Prince 4Ever is a 40-song compilation of his biggest hits from his Warner Bros days along with the previously unreleased song Moonbeam Levels, recorded in 1982. It's due in US stores on November 22 and will feature a booklet with new Prince photos shot by photographer Herb Ritts. Warner Bros also says the Purple Rain deluxe reissue will come early next year. It will feature a second album of unreleased songs. Meanwhile, a US judge has said he'll try to rule quickly on whether Minnesota state law entitles a purported niece, grandniece, and nephew of Prince to press their claims to shares in the late rock superstar's estate. Lawyers for Prince's siblings said that the purported family members' claims should be rejected because they're not Prince's blood relatives, which they argued is required under a 2010 rewrite of the state's probate code. But lawyers for the would-be heirs cited a 2003 Minnesota Supreme Court decision, which they said is still valid, in arguing they don't need a genetic link. But Moonbeam Levels better not suck.

Cute food for thought

The latest food trend to come out of Hong Kong is so adorable, it's been named just that: "adorable eats". The Asian culinary city is taking everyday foods and like sushi and steamed pork buns and turning them into cute works of art. Pork buns are being stained with the shape of a panda, while dumplings are shaped to look like swimming fish, aliens, or cartoon characters. Adorable eats have become so popular in Hong Kong that there will be a dedicated section for the trend at the Hong Kong Wine and Dine Festival next week. It's already huge on social media, particularly on Instagram. But just like with Pokemon Go, I'm staying out of this one.

Trophy trip-up at Customs

After three weeks of haggling with New Zealand Customs officials, three Dunedin chefs have finally received the trophies and medals they won at a South Pacific culinary competition in Australia last month. Greg Piner and Fifi Leong, both of restaurant Vault 21, and Ken O'Connell, of Bracken, won The Battle of the Pacific title, during a three-day fine foods trade event in Melbourne in mid-September. However, the trio were shocked when they returned to New Zealand, to find the Customs Service wanted them to pay $180 for the release of the package containing the trophy and medals. "They said there was an excise on all trophies and awards, except the Melbourne Cup and the Bledisloe Cup, but there is no monetary value on them. We won them in a competition representing New Zealand, and it's just bizarre," Mr O'Connell said, adding Customs was adamant there is no way they could release the awards until the fee was paid. New Zealand Customs Service external relations manager Helen Keyes said trophies and medals won overseas in a competition were usually exempt of GST, and the comment about the only cups that are duty free coming into New Zealand are the Bledisloe and Melbourne Cup was incorrect. "In this case, it appears that the shipping company has declared the goods as trophies without indicating that they have been won in a competition. This has triggered the standard charges for imported goods," Ms Keyes said, adding Customs was not contacted by the importer or the shipping company. Since learning of the incident, New Zealand Customs had contacted the shipping company to obtain more details of the consignment. As a result, Customs had waived the $127.84 assessed as payable to Customs ($78.64 GST and $49.20 transaction fee), which shouldn't have been assessed in the first place.

THE MIDWEEK REVIEW: The only worthy candidate this time round

Reds have scoreless tie as Mindy turns 65

Today may be Pam Dawber's 65th birthday, but I have found something better to celebrate - the Reds not losing. But they still should have won. Instead, Jose Mourinho’s first taste of Manchester United’s historic rivalry with Liverpool ended with a goalless draw at Anfield, where two world-class saves from David De Gea proved pivotal. Monday night’s match was largely an even contest throughout with the teams fashioning a few chances to score, particularly in the livelier second half when De Gea's athletic ability enabled him to deny Emre Can and Philippe Coutinho with astonishing acts of goalkeeping. It was United’s first match at Anfield since the new Main Stand had opened earlier this term and the increased attendance contributed to a particularly rousing rendition of the club anthem You’ll Never Walk Alone. A frenzied atmosphere sound-tracked the opening exchanges, too, particularly when the home fans protested the referee’s decision not to caution Marcus Rashford for an early foul on James Milner.

#knowyourpurple

Get a spine, vote Jill Stein

It's the end of the road for the first ever monarch born in the US

It costs more per loaf to buy 3 than 2

Big Oil are scum

THE MIDWEEK REVIEW: Climate change is real

Too bad there aren't any Oscars on offer for that - not that he needs any more.

That goes for you too, Drumpf

WADA set to become a bigger brother

With the Russian doping scandal still roiling international sports and dividing its leaders, Olympic officials met in Switzerland on Saturday to discuss overhauling the world’s antidoping system. They emerged with a plan to increase the power of the World Anti-Doping Agency, affirming that organization’s central role in the fight against cheating. After a four-hour, closed-door meeting with some 20 sports officials, Thomas Bach, the president of the International Olympic Committee, announced the creation of a new drug-testing authority to operate under WADA and handle doping control at the Games — a responsibility that has long rested with the IOC. Surprising some antidoping officials who worried WADA would become a scapegoat, Mr. Bach expressed broad support for the agency, the 17-year-old regulator of drugs in sports. Mr. Bach called for WADA to be fortified but deferred to the agency itself on specifics, including how much more money it would need to carry out its expanded mandate. WADA is expected to take up the topic at executive meetings next month, and IOC officials will most likely review the decisions in December. But whatever happens, there better not be a repeat of that crap at Pyeongchang or Tokyo.

#ToothsticeForAssange

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is still in need of a new tooth, but the United Kingdom won’t let him get one. After a "domiciliary dental emergency appointment" in July of last year, Assange, locked up in the Ecuadorean embassy in London for fear of extradition to the U.S., the dentist recommended that Assange be allowed to leave the complex for a more serious operation of his premolar tooth. Fifteen months later, Assange is still in pain since the UK continues to deny him medical treatment. The dental records were part of a package of his medical and psycho-social assessments published by WikiLeaks ahead of a ruling in Sweden on his arrest warrant to show that his arrest is arbitrary and a violation of his rights, as the United Nations ruled in February. Sweden decided last month to uphold the arrest warrant for allegations of rape, prolonging the legal standoff that has kept him in the London embassy for over four years. A rotting tooth is just one of the side effects of his isolation and testament to the UK’s refusal to deliver appropriate treatment without arresting him. All that money spent on a 24/7 police guard could be spent on appropriate dental treatment thousands of times over.

In honour of the most lopsided football match of all time

This picture is gold

Either way, someone or something is screwed

Who the True Terrorists Are

THE BIG REVIEW: Courage

One point apiece in the continuing fall

Manchester United were denied a fourth straight win in all competitions on a frustrating afternoon at Old Trafford, as Stoke City struck late on to secure a point. Anthony Martial, on as a second-half substitute, curled home beautifully from 12 yards for his first goal of the season to give the Reds the lead in the 69th minute. But, with eight minutes remaining, Joe Allen scored from close range to earn Mark Hughes' side their first-ever Premier League point at the Theatre of Dreams. But it'll take more than just one point to get them the title. I hope Mourinho can pull it off.

Don't even try sending him back to India

Anne-ception