Elevator Wars: Tradies v Oldies

We have a Sick Phoque Club inductee for April 2019: Jesse William Leslie Donaghy, a tradesman from Australia’s Gold Coast who has appeared in court accused of assaulting an elderly woman and stomping on her friend's head in a wild brawl over who should get out of a lift first. The court heard Donaghy, allegedly 'stomped' on Jeremy Rhys Hill's head and kicked it 'several times' as he lay on the ground at the Sundale building in Southport on the Gold Coast on December 16. Ailene Patricia Treadaway was allegedly also pushed by Donaghy during the attack, making her fall back into the elevator, according to the Queensland Police service court brief tended to the Supreme Court of Queensland. Mrs Treadaway was in an elevator with Mr Hill when she asked four men including Donaghy and his co-accused Mitchell Paul Wyles, who were entering, if she and her companion could exit first. Wyles allegedly told the victims: “Why don't you get f***ed, you f***ing c***,” then punched Mr Hill in the head after he was pushed by him in a move to protect Mrs Treadaway from possible danger. CCTV footage captured the entire elevator brawl, which spread into the foyer of the building and was broken up by security. Police allege Mrs Treadaway was bruised on her elbow, upper chest, both wrists, and lips; while Mr Hill was bruised on his head, cheeks, and lips. Seriously, what part of this is OK? First one out of the lift is such a retarded thing to fight about, especially coming from someone already serving a suspended sentence for drugs and weapons charges. He will eventually get what’s coming to him and the courts will see to that.

Drawn with a goal apiece

The Premier League clash ended 1-1 between Man United and Chelsea with both teams chasing a Champions League spot; Mata opened the scoring in the 11th minute and Alonso answered with a strike in the closing minutes of the first half. There is still a Champions League spot on the line and one point is not good enough.

Kids on the cross

Isis Jafas paid well with trespass notice

Four Auckland men have been trespassed from a Dunedin cinema after waving a wad of cash around and saying "Isis pays well" on Anzac Day. The incident unfolded as the men went to buy tickets at Dunedin's Rialto cinema on Thursday evening. One of the group said "Isis pays well" while holding a large amount of cash. His actions "caused a bit of anxiety in the cinema", Senior Sergeant Craig Dinnissen said. The group of four were trespassed by the Moray Place cinema and police were called. The men, all aged in their late 20s, were in on holiday from Auckland. When asked by police why they made the comments, the group replied "it was a joke". Given the current climate and especially with the mosque shootings last month, it was a pretty retarded idea for a joke. And besides, the cinemas in Dunedin aren’t that flash when it comes to choice - you only have three different operations just a few minutes walk from each other. In Christchurch, there are eight different cinemas and they’re more spread out across the city.

OK, but how big will its load be?

Silva, Sané deal the derby damage

Manchester City struck an important blow in their pursuit of a second successive Premier League title with a convincing derby victory over Manchester United at Old Trafford. Pep Guardiola's side knew anything but a win would leave Liverpool at the top of the table and in charge of their own destiny with only three games left. City were anxious in a goalless first 45 minutes but turned up the heat after the break to win 2-0 and take them one point clear at the top of the table. The issue here is that the wrong Mancunians won today and I am not happy. I am not happy with the continued Premiership drought. It has been six whole years since their last league victory. And I am not happy with the shit that passes for management these days. The team has gone through four different managers since Fergie left. Even Brendon Tarrant could do a better job at managing a football team than any of those wankers that tried to be the next Sir Alex.

It’s called a vaccine and the main side effect is autism

I am the 5%

OGS needs to be kicked OUT

Everton clinched a disappointing 4-0 victory over Manchester United at Goodison Park, a game that they dominated from start to finish. The Toffees led 2-0 at the break after goals from Richarlison and Sigurdsson shocked the visitors. They continued to press forward after the break and extended their lead on 56 minutes as Digne produced a wonderful strike from the edge of the penalty area, to make it 3-0. Walcott then added the fourth shortly after, racing through on goal after some sloppy United defending and slotting the ball underneath De Gea. Here is why the Reds need to try harder going into 2019-20:

1. This is Everton's biggest margin of victory against the Reds in any competition since beating them 5-0 in October 1984, and also Man United's biggest defeat to any opposition since losing 4-0 to Chelsea in October 2016.
2. It is also their fifth consecutive away defeat across all comps, and the longest such run since a similar five-game streak in 1981.
3. Manchester United have conceded 48 goals so far this season, their highest ever tally in a single season and their most in a league campaign since conceding 63 in 1978-79.

I'll just finish off with what everyone else already knows: WE NEED FERGIE BACK!

Important advice for next weekend

Coolest. Desk. Ever.

Total Letdown

Bunny Bunny Bunny, it's real funny, in an egg man's world

Bishop on the Rook

Edge and Explorer on the same machine

Haymarket throws haymaker

Common sense, among those who work inside the state, is a rare commodity. Agents of the state, like those who work in law enforcement, often become so blinded to reality by ‘just doing my job’ they throw logic and reason to the wayside, choosing authority and force instead. Nothing highlights this blind order following quite like the Haymarket police department in Virginia enforcing the requirement for citizens to purchase a $15 sticker for their vehicle and promising to steal their money if they do not comply.

Chief Land posted the video to Facebook which has received over 600,000 views since Saturday. The video received over 8,000 comments, most of which are calling out the department for enforcing such arbitrary extortion.

When residents asked why they needed to purchase the sticker, the department had no response and said they are merely enforcing the law. “What benefits does this sticker give me? Why is it $15? I don’t want a sticker, why am I required to have a sticker? What is its purpose other than generating $15 in revenue to the city per vehicle?” asked one resident. The department responded with the typical police response akin to “just doing our jobs”: - “You would need to refer those questions to the town leaders. We did not make the ordnance, we are only tasked with enforcing it,” the department stated. “So you guys would have rounded up escaped slaves or Jews in Germany?” one Facebook user wrote in response to the “just doing our jobs” statement.

Indeed, they are correct, as millions of innocent lives have been brought to an utterly horrifying and violent end by people just doing their jobs. But here’s the real joke: Haymarket currently has two open missing person cases, and a number of ongoing burglary investigations. But a sticker is what the cops are focused on, for the government needs money to sustain and enrich itself and it simply makes up laws to generate that money, and in order to force people to pay them, they will threaten them with the possibility of kidnapping. If these innocent human being resist being kidnapped for choosing not to pay this government, they will be executed. And all of this extortion, kidnapping, and killing is referred to as the law. As you watch the video (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=43Xml6ecuJ0) remember that legality most certainly does not equal morality.

Pair of Pogba penalties

That’s what made Manchester United rule and West Ham drool today at Old Trafford. Anderson’s goal didn’t change anything, and neither did the yellow card dished out to Mata.

He said there were others

The suspected Christchurch mosque gunman told his arresting officers he was one of nine people involved in the March 15 terror attack, sources say. The prospect other offenders may still have been at large prompted a citywide lockdown of schools and businesses, and into the afternoon police still believed they were looking for multiple active shooters – at one point the figure six was circulated among staff. Police Commissioner Mike Bush has confirmed in statements and interviews that the attack involved only one shooter. Two police officers rammed the gunman's car on Brougham St at 2.02pm on March 15 – 21 minutes after police received the first 111 call from the Al Noor Masjid on Deans Ave. A passer-by took a video of the suspect's arrest, which shows the police officers pull the suspect out of the car and drag him along the footpath away from his vehicle – a gold Subaru that allegedly had two bombs (improvised explosive devices) and firearms inside. 43 people were shot and killed at that mosque. A further seven were allegedly fatally shot at the Linwood mosque. Police stopped the suspect as he allegedly sped to his third target, the Ashburton Masjid. If that was me, I would have gone to Linwood first, to save time and petrol versus having to travel east for attack number 2 and then back west for attack number 3. And I would have taken the time to study the mosques with particular emphasis on Linwood as the shooter didn’t know his way round, which contributed to the lower death toll there. And I would also be making a stopover at the An-Nur kindergarten on Springs Road on my way to Ashburton.

One of those Crimson Chins is Captain Malaysia

Croc tha police!

This is what government is all about

When the Cats Play

Spiciest. Mess. Ever.

Queen Elizabeth the Drumpf

Neither Marvel or DC, just what works

Scarfies not feelin' the Lime

A stream of strange antics involving Dunedin's Lime e-scooters continues with members of a metal band sparking up a "durrie" from a front-wheel burnout. In a video posted on social media, the long-haired members of Australian metal band Copia and Auckland metal band Seas of Conflict laugh as they use the scooter to light up a cigarette. The bass player for Copia posted the video on Instagram saying it was "the happiest moment of my life", telling media the guitarist for Seas of Conflict lit the cigarette while the two bands were hanging out before a gig. "We just met up with our mates again after getting a flight from Auckland and one thing turned into another and we were lighting durries off lime wheels. Nothing out of the ordinary to be honest." While in Dunedin he got the "vibe" e-scooters were not very popular among some in the city and said someone swerved at them while they were riding along the road. That's right, everyone. A motorist deliberately swerved at somebody on a Lime. I realise e-scooters may not be universally popular, but their riders are people as well. They are us. Did we not learn anything from what happened in Christchurch three weeks ago? We don't need to become them, but like it or not, THEY ARE US.

Smalling main traitor in comedy of errors

Man United lost a game against Wolverhampton which started on a high with McTominay drawing first blood for the Reds, which was answered by Jota 12 minutes later. Things got worse in the second half when Young got sent off and again when Smalling scored an own goal for the Wolves. It is now mathematically impossible for the Reds to win the Premiership (needing 19 points from 6 games to tie and 20 to win), but there's always next season, and it's never too soon to build momentum.

Pretending it’s the old days like a boss

The hate for the Congresswoman from the Block has spread here now

The real cause of autism