Plot twist: they all are

 

Celebrating 30 years of wedded bliss with Mark and Mindy

 

Reds net 600th EPL win

Manchester United returned to winning ways in the Premier League with a hard-fought 3-1 triumph over relegation-threatened Middlesbrough at the Riverside Stadium, becoming the first club to record 600 Premier League victories in the process. Marouane Fellaini's first-half header was doubled by Jesse Lingard in spectacular fashion just past the hour mark. Substitute Rudy Gestede gave Boro a fighting chance, but Antonio Valencia put the game to bed late on after capitalising on a mistake from Victor Valdes, meaning Jose Mourinho's men move ahead of Arsenal into fifth in the Premier League. But there's still time to go further on the table and improve on LVG's 5th-place finish last year.

Chucky B. Gone

 

That "floor" is supposed to be wet

 

Time to know your clovers boyos!

 

It's Trump's loss - they're worth ditching Melania over

 

Their Big Fat Greek Flag

 

The Complete Guide to Female Endowment

 

Footrot cartoonist now flat

Final Yogi for 2017 goes to the late Murray Ball, who has been smarter than the average cartoonist over not just the past year but all his years drawing Footrot Flats, a comic strip from New Zealand that could hold its own against American stalwarts such as Garfield and Hagar the Horrible. For those who have never seen a Footrot Flats strip, here's a little taster of what you have been missing out on all these years:

 

Voting advice for the next 7 years

Yogi #2 for 2017 will be shared among the third party voters in the presidential election last year, of which there were more than in previous elections. Anyone who votes third party is smarter than the average voter, as this shows just how you feel about the two-party system. Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil, and those third party voters knew it. They've all earned this one.

Purple wrap tastes like crap

The first Yogi Award for 2017 goes to Whittaker's, who are smarter (and better tasting) than the average chocolate makers. They have been New Zealand-owned and operated for 120 years, they make all their delicious chocolate from bean to bar, and are not going anywhere soon. That's more than can be said for Cadbury. That's right, the river of chocolate that sustained thousands of Dunedin workers (including at one point my father and his current fiancée) over the years looks set to run dry. But while the closure of Cadbury's landmark factory will be a major blow to the southern city, no one is seeing it as a sign of wider problems in the manufacturing sector. Commentators say the writing has been on the wall for a while now, but there was still shock when Cadbury's owner last month announced that it plans to close the factory, leaving some 360 people without jobs. Mondelez International, Cadbury's multi-billion-dollar US parent company, cited increasing costs and distance to its markets as making it untenable to continue the business - even though it is still profitable. Given that more than 70% of Cadbury's New Zealand production is exported, the decision to move production to Australia and close its last manufacturing plant in this country next year was a logical - if tough - decision to make, said Mondelez. Of course the real reason for this is about money, as with anything a for-profit does. Even Sam Neill knows this, as he has come out in support of Cadbury factory workers, asking people to never buy or sell Cadbury products again. In a Twitter post, Neill asked all New Zealanders and Australians to "NEVER sell or buy anything Cadbury EVER again" if Cadbury's owner, American food giant Mondelez International, follows through with the closure of its Dunedin factory. Neill also tweeted Dunedin was his home town and closing the Cadbury factory was, "ripping the guts out of a community and its history". I'm already boycotting them with one exception: they have a Dairy Milk with Oreo Mint out right now, and I've got one which I'm saving up to eat for breakfast or lunch on St Patrick's Day.

So the restaurateur set the record straight

 

So someone wrote this bitchy review last month

 

Silver and Black in the Silver State

The Oakland Raiders have moved into the Red Zone on their quest to relocate to Las Vegas, and the final push over the goal line could happen sooner rather than later. According to multiple high-ranking National Football League sources, the NFL's owner-comprised stadium and finance committees are poised to recommend the Raiders relocation request to Las Vegas be voted on at the league's annual meeting in three weeks in Phoenix. The inclination to make the recommendation is based on two days of meetings in Florida in which the Raiders, according to sources with intimate knowledge of the meetings who spoke on the condition of anonymity, presented a strong case for their Las Vegas bid. The most compelling part now is the Raiders securing Bank of America to fill the $650 million funding gap created when Las Vegas Sands head Sheldon Adelson walked away from the deal after he and the Raiders could not come to terms on a partnership deal. I hope Vegas works out for them and also for the Golden Knights NHL team. I'm sure it won't be too big a gamble.

Fuelling the flames of comedy

 

The truth has been spoken

 

A goal apiece for cherry and red

Manchester United were held to a frustrating 1-1 draw by 10-man Bournemouth at Old Trafford as Artur Boruc saved a second-half Zlatan Ibrahimovic penalty to deny the Reds the chance to move into the top four. Marcos Rojo had put United into a first-half lead, before former Red Joshua King levelled from the spot. Andrew Surman was shown a second yellow card moments before the break for pushing Ibrahimovic following an aerial challenge between United's no.9 and Tyrone Mings. But surely the Reds should have been able to beat the Cherries after Surman's indiscretion. They have not won the Premiership since 2013 but will still have a chance at it if they win the rest of their games between now and the end of the season.

Third genders in Trump's America

 

Green light given for Green Light

The wait is over. It’s been nearly four years since Lorde released her debut album, Pure Heroine - and more than two years since her last single, Yellow Flicker Beat off the soundtrack to The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1. But now the Grammy-winning singer-songwriter from New Zealand is back. Green Light is the name of the first single off of her new album, Melodrama, due later this year. The song, co-written by Fun. guitarist - and Lena Dunham's boyfriend - Jack Antonoff, was penned in response to Lorde’s “first major heartache,” she said in an interview with Beats 1. “It’s not something that I really am used to writing about,” she said. “This is that drunk girl at the party dancing around crying about her ex-boyfriend who everyone thinks is a mess. That’s her tonight, and tomorrow she starts to rebuild. And that’s the song for me.” And if you want to see the video for Green Light, here it is:

And so the fallout begins

More developments in the Oscargate affair: the two accountants responsible for muddling up the main award envelopes at Sunday's Oscars ceremony will not be employed to do the job again, the academy president has announced. Cheryl Boone Isaacs said that the relationship with the accountancy firm PriceWaterhouseCoopers (PWC) was also under review. Brian Cullinan and Martha Ruiz were responsible for Sunday's mishap. La La Land was mistakenly announced as the winner of the best picture award. The team behind that film were in the middle of their speeches before it was revealed the accolade should have gone to Moonlight. So how did that happen? Here's how: Mr Cullinan mistakenly handed the wrong envelope to the two presenters. He gave Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway the back-up envelope for best actress in a leading role - rather than the envelope which contained the name of the winner for the best film. PWC, which counts the votes and organises the envelopes, has apologised for the mix-up. Mr Cullinan tweeted a picture of best actress winner Emma Stone minutes before handing the presenters the wrong envelope, and Ms Boone Isaacs blamed "distraction" for the error. In 89 years of Academy Award history, this is clearly the funniest thing that has ever happened - it's a darn sight funnier than the darkening political climate.

The Pears of Buddha

 

Fudge the food police

The co-Bellends of the Month for February 2017 are the retarded food police who lurk among the staff of kindergartens in South Australia, who have been putting notes along the lines of

 

and

 

in children's lunchboxes. I get that there is an obesity epidemic. I get that teaching younger kids about nutrition is a good thing. But what bugs me is that home made lunch boxes get scrutinised much more closely than tuck shop lunches. Most parents that put in homemade baked goods have made those items a lot healthier than the prepackaged stuff. And what of the teachers' own bad habits like the between-class cigarette? So here's my advice for them - bugger off and stop shaming the parents. This is the sort of crap that can lead kids to eating disorders. And besides, it's not like either kid didn't have other, healthier stuff to munch on if they didn't want the red/sometimes food just yet.

Oscars so full of errors

It was like M. Night Shyamalan directing the Oscars. Two minutes after Hollywood musical La La Land was named best picture at Sunday's 89th Academy Awards, there was a twist ending: presenters Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty somehow got Emma Stone's best actress card instead of the right one, and it was in fact the arthouse darling Moonlight that won the night's big prize. "There was a time when I thought this movie was impossible because I couldn't bring it to fruition," Moonlight director Barry Jenkins said when accepting the best picture Oscar. "I couldn't bring myself to tell another story, so everybody behind me on this stage said, 'No, that is not acceptable.'" In the ceremony hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, Moonlight picked up three awards total — including adapted screenplay and supporting actor for Mahershala Ali — but La La Land's tally wasn't too shabby: six Oscars, including best director for Damien Chazelle — the youngest person to ever win the honor — and best actress for Emma Stone. Fences star Viola Davis and Casey Affleck of Manchester by the Sea also picked up their first Oscar wins, for supporting actress and best actor respectively.

Chess bolts

 

Oscars are so white again this year

 

Explosions of ATM for make benefit glorious thieves in Kazakhstan

Inept thieves who tried to break open a cash machine using welding torches only succeeded in setting fire to the money. The failed attempt to rob the ATM took place in the southern Kazakhstan region of Almaty. Pictures of the aftermath of the criminals' doomed attempt at theft show bundles of scorched 5,000-tenge notes that have been rendered unusable. 5,000 tenge is worth about NZ$22, so the thieves stood to get away with a substantial haul if their scheme had been successful, in a country where the average monthly wage is 173,685 KZT (NZ$763). Just think about it: all the money in that ATM could have been used for something like maybe a bit of sexy time with a prostitute. Is nice!

Seven earths for seven billion

Here's some hope for those who want to be as far away from Drumpf as possible: a huddle of seven worlds, all close in size to Earth, and perhaps warm enough for water and the life it can sustain, has been spotted around a small, faint star in the constellation of Aquarius. But it's not going to be all that easy: the spaceship in the movie Passengers took 120 years to get to its destination, so I'd anticipate a just as long, if not longer, voyage in real life. Even if they were to travel at light speed, the nearest star to ours is at least 4 light years away, and none of the planets in question are anywhere near that star.

Horsing around kills horse

A Christchurch woman is seeking justice after she claims a group of drunk people terrorised her horses, leading ultimately to one's death. Karina Romeyn says the police were called to her paddock on Lake Terrace Road, in Burwood after noticing her horses had sustained cuts and knocks to their bodies. "Two drunken men had gotten into our paddocks and decided for fun to (terrorise) and chase our three horses, Gus, Charlie, and Steve," Ms Romeyn wrote on Facebook. There were also DB Export bottles scattered in the paddock, she wrote. "These guys had been drinking and having a very cruel joke at the expense of Gus's life." Police had to euthanise Gus using a gun because of his injuries. Ms Romeyn is hoping to find someone who had seen these people nearby. "We have no idea how long they did this for and what they used to injure, hurt, and scare the horses. "The horses were clearly terrified to have been running throughout the paddocks at such speed. There is clear evidence of this. Help me and all those that loved Gus find these monsters. Please don't allow this happen again to another horse." Seriously, that is just not on. And why were they drinking Export instead of a cool beer like Asahi?

Because getting rid of Drumpf is not enough

 

Extradition Dotcom

A New Zealand judge has upheld an earlier court ruling that flamboyant internet entrepreneur Kim Dotcom and three of his colleagues can be extradited to the U.S. to face criminal charges. The decision comes five years after U.S. authorities shut down Dotcom's file-sharing website Megaupload and filed charges of conspiracy, racketeering, and money laundering against the men. If found guilty, they could face decades in prison. Dotcom, who lives in New Zealand, has been fighting extradition in a case which has moved with glacial slowness at times. And Monday's decision won't be the last, with the case likely to be appealed up to New Zealand's Supreme Court, a process that could take another year or two. But here's how I see it: Kim Dotcom is a hero. Although I never used his site, it is an important chapter in the history of all that is fair and just, especially when it comes to getting a free copy of the latest movie or TV episode.

To FM or not to FM? That is the question...

Nearly all smartphones sold today in the US, including the iPhone, have an FM chip inside their LTE modems. However, carriers and phone makers keep it switched off, probably for business reasons. Ajit Pai, who was appointed to chair US comms watchdog the FCC in January, would like to see more phones have those FM receivers activated. "You could make a case for activating chips on public safety grounds alone," he said in remarks at the North American Association's Future of Radio and Audio Symposium this week. Although he wants carriers and handset makers to switch on FM, he said he isn't keen on forcing the industry to enable FM and would leave it to the market to decide. Pai highlighted that only 44 percent of smartphones have the FM chip activated in the US and fewer in Canada, compared with 80 percent in Mexico. "So it's not just that the US and Canada could be doing better. We could be doing a lot better," he said. If Apple activated the FM radio on the iPhone, it would be likely to boost FM activations dramatically overall. As reported by MacRumors, the study Pai cited found that 94 percent of the phones that don't have FM activated are iPhones. "It seems odd that every day we hear about a new smartphone app that lets you do something innovative, yet these modern-day mobile miracles don't enable a key function offered by a 1982 Sony Walkman," Pai said. He pointed to several benefits. For example, using FM radio would use far less battery life and less data, while allowing people to receive emergency alerts when a wireless network is overloaded. I can think of one more: listening to music. However, today's music is crap as.

The musk of charity

 

Sir Isaac Piko-Taro, everybody

 

Fifty Shades of Raku Disciprine

 

Or so the one who's gonna be (500 miles) says

 

It would have been a whole lot worse with Hillary in charge

 

Five reasons to love the Prince of Darkness this Valentine's Day

 

Watford can't has victory

Manchester United maintained the pressure on the clubs occupying the top four places after a comfortable 2-0 win over Watford at Old Trafford stretched the club's unbeaten run in the Premier League to 16 games. A first-half goal from Juan Mata and a second on the hour mark from Anthony Martial was enough to secure the win over Walter Mazzarri's men. The result meant United became the first team to amass 2,000 all-time Premier League points, and more importantly stayed in the hunt for Champions League qualification. United boss Jose Mourinho made two changes to the side that comfortably defeated champions Leicester City last Sunday as Daley Blind came in for Marcus Rojo at left-back and Martial replaced Marcus Rashford who was named among the substitutes. In the first home match after Monday's 59th anniversary of the Munich Air Disaster, the United fans unveiled a giant surfer flag bearing the words 'We'll never die' in remembrance while the players donned the traditional black armbands. But what will never die is our hope that Manchester United will one day bring back their first Premier League title of the post-Ferguson era.

And so the commotion begins

 

Blue screen of Trolling

 

Milkin dat melon level Apple

 

Golden advice for a golden stream

 

Wanna see how cartoonists around the world are depicting Trump?

Here's your chance: http://www.attn.com/stories/14690/how-cartoonists-around-world-depict-trump

Reds beat the champions, my friends...

Manchester United took full advantage of some favourable Premier League results to close the gap on the teams at the top thanks to a convincing 3-0 victory over champions Leicester City at the King Power Stadium. Henrikh Mkhitaryan’s excellent solo goal and a composed finish from top scorer Zlatan Ibrahimovic in the space of two minutes towards the end of the first half gave the Reds a comfortable cushion at the break. The impressive Juan Mata added a third early in the second period as Jose Mourinho’s men ended a run of three successive draws with a deserved third win of the season over the goal-shy Foxes. If they keep this up for the rest of the season, I'm sure they will still have a chance at the silverware.

Pizza the Trump way

 

No goals again, naturally

Manchester United were held to a hugely frustrating goalless draw at Old Trafford on Wednesday night as Hull City ground out a point to aid their cause at the bottom of the Premier League. Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Paul Pogba, Juan Mata, and Marcos Rojo all brought fine saves from Hull goalkeeper Eldin Jakupovic, who was in inspired form between the posts for the visitors. But we don't need draws, we need goals. And we need to win. And the more they win, the closer they get to the silverware.

You just try bringing that carpet into Trump's America

 

OK, now onto the second one

 

Don't go full ISIS against ISIS

The Bellend of the Month for January 2017 is Alexandre Bissonnette. He is the lone suspect in a terrorist attack against Muslims in Quebec City during evening prayers, and was charged on Monday with six counts of first degree murder and five counts of attempted murder. The massacre on Sunday evening, which Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau condemned as a "cowardly terrorist attack on Muslims", left five others in critical condition. A further 12 worshippers managed to escape the chaos with minor injuries, but come on. This is still 23 too many, and I'm sure they're not all affiliated with the likes of ISIS. I hope he gets put away for a long time.

Tyrannosaurus Richards

 

Spiders keepers

 

And now for something completely unrelated to Drumpf

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Making America hate again, one executive order at a time

Many organizations that advocate for refugees slammed President Donald Trump's executive action imposing "extreme vetting" on those fleeing to America, among them Jewish groups that took particular exception to the day on which he signed it: Holocaust Remembrance Day. "It's repulsive," said Mark Hetfield, president and CEO of the Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society, a faith-based nonprofit dedicated to resettling refugees in the United States. "I mean, the timing is incredibly offensive." "It was during the Holocaust that the world shamefully refused to give asylum to Jews and to others who were being murdered or about to be murdered in Nazi Germany," Hetfield added, referring to the US government's decision to turn away European refugees during World War II. The executive order halts all refugee resettlement for four months, reduces the total refugee quota substantially, and imposes travel restrictions on some foreign nationals. The executive action does not explicitly single out members of a single faith, but the countries impacted are Iran, Iraq, Syria, Sudan, Libya, Yemen, and Somalia, according to a White House official. It also gives priority status to refugees "provided that the religion of the individual is a minority religion in the individual's country of nationality." Some Jewish groups were particularly troubled by the implications for Muslim refugees. "The fact that President Trump's order appears designed to specifically limit the entry of Muslims evokes horrible memories" of Jews turned away during World War II, the progressive Jewish organization J Street said in a statement ahead of the executive action taking affect. "Most ultimately perished in the Holocaust. That episode remains a blot on the conscience of the United States. It is a terrible irony that today, the same day on which this order is to be signed, is also International Holocaust Remembrance Day." And that is why Clinton, if not Johnson or Stein, should have won. Drumpf's latest outrage has shown that he is just not fit to be in the top job. But there are a lot of other countries taking in refugees, so I wouldn't rule out Europe.

The circle of life

 

She didn't make it after all

 

Maybe Hitler was really a good guy #wishfulthinking

 

Spongebob for President

 

The cyka just got even more blyat

 

Unbeaten run continues after Rooney scores 250th

Wayne Rooney made history by becoming Manchester United's all-time leading scorer with a stunning free-kick in stoppage time to salvage a point in a 1-1 draw against Stoke City.  The captain curled home a spectacular effort in the 4th minute of injury time to break Sir Bobby Charlton’s longstanding record and net his 250th goal for the club. It looked like it was going to be a frustrating afternoon for the visitors after an Erik Pieters cross was deflected past David De Gea off the unfortunate Juan Mata to leave Stoke on the brink of three points. But Rooney had other ideas and rescued Jose Mourinho’s men, who extend their unbeaten record in all competitions to 17 games.

Words for Trump to live by

 

This is what we get for hailing to the chimp

 

And that's before the impending repeal of Obamacare

 

Transfreedom - coming 17/5/17

The White House just announced that the bulk of imprisoned whistleblower Bradley Manning’s (who will be referred to as her current name Chelsea from hereon in) sentence will be commuted, and she will be free on May 17th. We literally saved her life. But how did "we" do it? Well for starters the announcement comes after years of sustained activism on Chelsea’s behalf, and it marks a massive victory for free speech, human rights, and democracy. A year ago, heck even two weeks ago, any DC insider would have told you that getting Chelsea released was impossible - that it would never happen. But time and time again we are proving that when huge numbers of people come together and use the Internet to fight for what we believe in, we can change the rules for what is and isn’t possible in Washington, DC and beyond. Chelsea’s release sends a message to governments around the world that they cannot act with impunity. It sets a precedent that will benefit so many people. Not just future whistleblowers who expose wrongdoing but all those who suffer when governments are allowed to act without transparency. But today, I’m overjoyed to know that soon she’ll be able to share her beautiful self with the world, and continue on with the rest of her life. But we need everyone to remember that when those in power tell you that something is impossible, it just means you need to fight harder. Also, we need to remain vigilant. Because the battle for the future of free speech and our basic rights doesn’t end today. Or tomorrow. Or in four years. It rages on. And we'll need to fight said battle even harder when Trump takes office, because he will be president by May 17th and he could always reverse all the commutations Obama dished out today. But I'm sure he'll be too busy making America great again to even care.

The last man on the moon has left us

 

It's all in the draw

Manchester United are now unbeaten in 16 games following a hard-fought 1-1 draw against rivals Liverpool at Old Trafford as the bragging rights and points were shared. James Milner gave the visitors the lead from the penalty spot midway through the first half after Paul Pogba had handled in the box, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic headed in a late leveller to give United a share of the spoils. A draw is fine, but Manchester United are in sixth place and they need to win, win, win if they want their first post-Ferguson premiership title.

16 years of wiki

 

I'm guessing Austria's one will be kangaroos

 

FRIDAY FEATURE: The state of the season so far

 

As you can see, the Reds need to win at least four games to get to the top - and that's if the teams above it all stay below 51 points. But a win is still achievable if the conditions are right.

*starts drooling*

 

One group of atoms posted this using another group of atoms

 

Ten days until Hitler 2.0 is sworn in

This is what we get for standing idly by while the Democratic National Committee rigged the primary against Sanders. Hillary deserved to lose right from the start, as evidenced by the investigation into her emails. But the DNC still stuck behind her like a bunch of idiots. Now Americans may be stupid, but they're not stupid enough to just keep voting for the lesser of two evils like the establishment expects them to, ergo, President Trump. The Democratic Party will pay dearly for their folly starting 12 noon Eastern next Friday. And besides, an orange president could be just what is needed to make America great again. See you in Washington, Donald!

Time to unleash some hard truth on all you naysayers