DISSEMINATORS OF THE TRUTH

22 May 2022

Corona is a virus, just drink Obolon instead

Labor's Anthony Albanese will be Australia's next Prime Minister after voters turned away from the Liberal Party in droves in Saturday's election. Albanese said he was "ready to serve" and that he wanted to unite the country after leading his party to victory. But whether Albanese and the Australian Labor Party can form a majority government was still unknown early this morning. An emotional Albanese arrived at ALP headquarters to a hero's welcome about 1.40am (NZ time). The crowd raucously shouted "Albo, Albo, Albo" as he took to the stage. If it can be done in the “lucky country”, then surely it can be done in the land of the less and less free. AMERICA, GET OUT AND VOTE IN THE MIDTERM THIS NOVEMBER! THERE ARE RED HOUSE AND SENATE SEATS THAT NEED TO BE TURNED BLUE TOOT SWEET! ABORTION RIGHTS ARE AT STAKE, PEOPLE!

3 May 2022

Boom-boom bankrupt fraud

That’s what April 2022’s Sick Phoque Club is all about. Three-time Wimbledon champion Boris Becker has been jailed for 2½ years for hiding £2.5 million worth of assets and loans to avoid paying debts when he declared bankruptcy five years ago. He was found guilty of four charges under the Insolvency Act, including transferring money to his former wife Barbara and estranged wife Sharlely, and acquitted on 20 other counts. “It is notable you have not shown remorse or acceptance of your guilt,” judge Deborah Taylor told him as he appeared at London’s Southwark Crown Court wearing a Wimbledon tie. “There has been no humility.” Becker, whose partner Lillian and son Noah were in court, will serve half of the sentence behind bars and the other half on licence. He owed nearly £50 million when he was declared bankrupt and he was obliged to disclose all his assets so that they could be distributed among his creditors. He concealed almost £1 million from the sale of a Mercedes car dealership in Germany as well as a house in his home town, a £700,000 bank loan, and shares in a technology firm. He used the money to pay private school fees for his children as well as shopping trips to Harrods and transferred £356,000 to nine recipients, including his ex-wife Barbara and estranged wife Sharlely. I know insolvency sucks, but the law is unfortunately the law, and Boom-boom will have some time over the next 15 months to think about that.

13 April 2022

Middle Earth has enough rings, thank you very much

Taking egg-ception

There are few greater flatshare frustrations than having somebody help themselves to the treats you've been craving all day without your permission. A chocolate lover went through just that when they recently treated themselves to five boxes of Cadbury's Creme Eggs, which the intention of making them last until Easter Sunday. Unfortunately, their flatmate and her pals had other plans - before the Easter Bunny even had a chance to hop through the door, they claim their flatmate's friends managed to much their way through four of the boxes, without even so much as asking. The group had chomped their way through no fewer than 20 eggs, apparently without a care in the world, crossing what many would regard as a serious houseshare boundary. Taking to Reddit, the frustrated Easter egg fan recalled: "I finished one box today so I went to get another out of the cupboard. None of the other boxes were there. I sent my roommate a text asking if she knew what had happened to them because I hadn't had any friends over since I bought them, and she had had several people over Saturday night. She admitted that her friends had eaten the other four boxes". The poster - who goes by the username u/Mysterious_Sun_6186 - continued: "I asked if she could buy more on her way home to make up for them, and she refused, saying it was out of her way. I asked if she could do it some other time in the next day or so or give me the money to buy them myself, and she said she wouldn't do it because she hadn't eaten them. She's refusing to reimburse me for the 20 eggs her friends ate. I'm annoyed at this. I bought them for myself, she knows they're mine, they had my name on them and were in my cabinet. She's saying since she didn't eat them she shouldn't need to pay for them". Bullshit you don’t. You had friends over, you’re responsible for them. But just make sure your flatmate isn’t stinging you for more than what the supermarket prices them at - around this time 14 years ago, there was this issue at my house with a salami I had had for lunch. My father replaced the salami at what his now wife had quoted as $8. But when I saw that exact salami at that exact supermarket being sold for just $7.90, I put together a series of online auctions involving their stuff. But a few days in, my sister rumbled the shootout (and that’s legit what I called it - the Salami Shootout) and my parents hit the roof and got the police up to my house to have a talk with me. I actually remember quite a few details about the incident. I even still remember the officer’s badge number - I432. If that’s you, hello again. It’s me, Scott. But I’m not Scott anymore. Surely you remember me.