WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: People who do not plan carefully

This week, it’s about people who don’t plan carefully. After seeing the 3D version of Titanic earlier this month, it made me realise how important it is to plan carefully. On the real voyage, two thirds of the passengers and crew died because there weren’t enough lifeboats. The death toll aboard the RMS Titanic was almost half that of 9/11, all because of carelessness as far as planning its trip to New York went.

On that note, the co-Bellends of the Month for April 2012 are anyone who played a part in creating this disaster. This is the second posthumous award, the second award given on the same day as a Weekly Gross-out, and the second award to more than one person. However, this is the first award to be given for actions that did not take place in the month of the award, and also the first award not to be given to named persons. This award includes the people who didn’t foresee that there would be so many people on board, and therefore didn’t include enough lifeboats for everybody to be saved. It also includes the people who started lowering the first few lifeboats at less than full capacity. Had EVERY lifeboat been filled to full capacity before sailing off, then a few hundred more lives could’ve been saved. And last but not least, there’s also the issue of the joker who thought it would be a good idea to just go round the iceberg. They could’ve avoided the iceberg by stopping until the iceberg was well out of the way or finding a different route to New York on which the ship would be nowhere near the iceberg.

Not coming up Trumps so far

It was Donald Trump's long-held dream to build the best links golf course in the world in Scotland, as a tribute to his late mother who was born in the country. But it is fast turning into a nightmare for the billionaire business tycoon. After initial opposition to the project from environmental groups, Trump now has a green problem of his own, in the shape of an offshore wind farm. With the Trump International Golf Links ready for action from July, Trump has shelved plans for an adjoining hotel until a decision is made on the wind farm. I think he should stop being such a big bully. There are more important things in life than building a hotel on land that could be used for something more worthwhile like a wind farm. The rich shouldn't be exerting undue control over the world's resources just because they can afford to do so. He's already got his golf course, and if I were him, I'd just leave it at that.

The link has been proven... or so we think

In recent years, Ted Haggard, an evangelical leader who preached that homosexuality was a sin, resigned after a scandal involving a former male prostitute; Larry Craig, a United States senator who opposed including sexual orientation in hate-crime legislation, was arrested on suspicion of lewd conduct in a men’s bathroom; and Glenn Murphy Jr., a leader of the Young Republican National Convention and an opponent of same-sex marriage, pleaded guilty to a lesser charge after being accused of sexually assaulting another man. See a pattern here? Homosexual urges, when repressed out of shame or fear, can sometimes be expressed as homophobia. Freud famously called this process a reaction formation — the angry battle against the outward symbol of feelings that are inwardly being stifled. Even Mr. Haggard seemed to endorse this idea when, apologizing after his scandal for his anti-gay rhetoric, he said, “I think I was partially so vehement because of my own war.” It’s a compelling theory, and now there is a scientific reason to believe it. In this month’s issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers provide empirical evidence that homophobia can result, at least in part, from the suppression of same-sex desire. I knew I was right in thinking there could be a link. In other news, US authorities may allow Iran to enrich uranium in exchange for some concessions. The Obama administration is considering the possibility of allowing Tehran to enrich uranium up to a concentration of five percent if Iran agrees to let international inspectors carry out sustained and comprehensive control over their nuclear program. That means no nukes directed at Washington.

Jail to the ex-Chief

Former President of Liberia Charles Taylor was today found guilty of aiding and abetting war crimes by the Special Court for Sierra Leone in The Hague, Netherlands. However, he was acquitted of actually ordering the offences or being part of a joint enterprise to conduct them. The eleven-count indictment produced a four-year trial that heard allegations of rape, murder, sexual slavery, cannibalism, arms dealing, "blood" diamond trade, and use of child soldiers. That was just low but at least that bellend is now paying for his misdeeds. I hope Kim Jong-il or Bashar al-Assad suffers the same fate one day.

Hug, Interrupted

Michelle Brademeyer says Transportation Security Administration officers at Wichita’s airport treated her 4-year-old daughter like a terrorist. The TSA says its officers followed proper procedures, and the agency denies part of Brademeyer’s version of what happened around noon April 15 (Central Daylight Time) at Wichita Mid-Continent Airport. In an interview with The Eagle this week, Brademeyer said she is telling her story, which has drawn attention from overseas media after she wrote about it on Facebook because other kids shouldn’t be treated like this. I couldn't agree more.

The children had passed through the security screening, but their grandmother had set off the alarm. Officers asked the grandmother to sit to the side and wait for a pat-down. Isabella saw her grandmother and excitedly ran over to give her a hug, as children often do. Their contact lasted a few seconds, but a female officer started yelling at the child and demanded she, too, must sit down and await a full body pat-down. Her daughter responded by putting her hands over her face and crying. The mother was prevented from coming any closer, explaining the situation to her, or consoling her in any way. It was implied, several times, that the grandmother, in their brief two-second embrace, had passed the child a handgun. This is a complete overreaction. In fact, the TSA itself is a complete overreaction, having been established a week or so after 9/11.

In other news, the Perthshire village of Dull in Scotland has announced that it is to be twinned with the town of Boring in Oregon.

I thought it was North Korea who had a beef with the States

At least one major South Korean retailer has suspended the sale of American beef after authorities confirmed a case of bovine spongiform encephalopathy, sometimes referred to as mad cow disease, in a dairy cow in central California. Mad cow disease, which for the record is NOT another name for pre-menstrual syndrome, is a fatal neurodegenerative disease in cattle that causes a spongy degeneration in the brain and spinal cord. It is usually transmitted between cows through the practice of recycling bovine carcasses for meat and bone meal protein, which is fed to other cattle. In people, symptoms of the disease include psychiatric and behavioral changes, movement deficits, memory disturbances, cognitive impairments, and sometimes death. The South Korean government will step up checks on U.S. beef imports, but everyone else should follow suit just in case the disease spreads. Speaking of diseases, seven of the eight suspects who are accused of taking part in a brutal videotaped gang-rape of a teenager are to appear in a South African court today (local time) to ask for bail. It is unlikely that the suspects, accused in a crime that has shocked many in South Africa, will be granted bail, and an eighth suspect, a man who was found with the victim, is scheduled to appear in court next Friday.

Four for a draw

Manchester United's title defence was hindered in shocking fashion as, having come from behind, the champions let slip a two-goal lead to take only a point from a pulsating encounter with Everton yesterday morning (NZ time) at Old Trafford. The game was drawn 4-4. Man United's goals were scored by Wayne Rooney (two goals), Danny Welbeck, and Nani. Everton's goals were scored by Nikica Jelavic (two goals), Marouane Fellaini, and Steven Pienaar. Three players were shown yellow cards.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Conversion therapy

"I don’t want to be outrageous,” says Dr Mike Davidson softly – but it is hard to believe him. The 57-year-old Christian counsellor and campaigner has upset a lot of people lately, with his claims that homosexuals can become straight if they get enough help, therapy, and prayer. The British doctor has been called deluded and his work condemned as inflammatory, homophobic, and harmful. It is clearly offensive to suggest that being gay is an illness that someone can recover from. If people want to live in a monogamous homosexual relationship, they need to be given the freedom, the space, the respect, and the value to do that. Homosexuality is just a trait that some people just happen to possess. Some people are into the opposite sex, some people are into the same sex, and some people are into both sexes. And that's the way it should stay.

Let's not drone on about this

Iran said today that it had reverse-engineered an American spy drone captured by its armed forces last year and has begun building a copy. Gen. Amir Ali Hajizadeh, chief of the aerospace division of the powerful Revolutionary Guards, related what he said were details of the aircraft's operational history to prove his claim that Tehran's military experts had extracted data from the U.S. RQ-170 Sentinel captured in December in eastern Iran. This could be quite worrying if they use that drone against the States. Even though US officials believe Iran will find it hard to exploit any data and technology aboard it because of measures taken to limit the intelligence value of drones operating over hostile territory, the captured surveillance drone could prove to be a national asset for Iran. It could even be turned into a nuclear weapon for all we know.

Could this be the end of antenna-gate?

After releasing two generations of iPhones with exactly the same form factor, Apple is expected to show off a new chassis design, and possibly new materials, in its sixth-generation smartphone. Korea IT News reported on Wednesday that the iPhone 5 is likely to be housed in Liquidmetal, which is the commercial name for an alloy of titanium, zirconium, nickel, copper, and other metals. It would make the outer surface of the phone smooth like liquid, hence the name. This is quite impressive, but Apple will need to ensure a change in material does not compromise the performance of the device. They have already had performance issues with the antenna positioning on the last two models, so they should at least fix that up this time round. In other news, Facebook unveiled changes to its terms-of-use document yesterday, tweaking earlier drafts in an apparent effort to ease users' concerns about privacy and how their information is used.

Banning the branding

Forcing cigarettes to be sold in plain packaging will help deter young people from taking up the habit, says the MP pushing the plan. Cabinet has agreed in principle to introduce a plain packaging regime in line with Australia, depending on the outcome of a public consultation process. The plan is aimed mainly at discouraging young smokers, and I think it's a good idea. The tobacco companies can make some stupid arguments like "a Government prohibition on a company's right to use their own intellectual property constitutes property removal and sets a disturbing precedent for businesses throughout New Zealand," but this is actually about keeping their poison out of people's mouths. Young people only get hooked on that rubbish because of the packaging.

And now she leaves

After 24 years of stubborn campaigning for democracy in Myanmar and a steely determination to stay inside the country despite official admonishments to leave, Aung San Suu Kyi will make her first foreign trip since 1988, visiting Norway and Britain, the spokesman for her political party said on Wednesday. U Nyan Win, the spokesman, said the trip was a sign of confidence in the country’s political reforms. During her long campaign against military rule, in which she spent 15 years under house arrest, Ms. Aung San Suu Kyi was free to leave Myanmar. The generals ruling the country at the time would have liked nothing more. Her decision to stay, despite the deprivations of house arrest, has been one of the hallmarks of her political career. It is also what distinguishes her from other prominent political prisoners in the country, who did not have the option to leave. But at least not leaving when she had the option to do so worked, and I hope other repressive governments (including but not limited to the decadent Kim Jong-Un, who wasted money that could've fed much of the population for a year on a failed rocket launch) decide that continuing their reign of terror isn't worth it.

To buy or not to buy: that is the question

Controversial Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara provoked an angry reaction from China yesterday after saying taxpayers in Japan's capital will buy a small chain of uninhabited islands at the centre of a damaging territorial dispute. Ishihara, an outspoken critic of Beijing who has made a career out of provocative nationalistic remarks, said he has approached the owner of the islands in the East China Sea, called Senkaku in Japan and Diaoyou in China. If accepted, the offer would put the question of sovereignty to bed once and for all. However, I do not believe that this can be the best way to sort out the dispute. If it was, then Taiwanese taxpayers could be paying higher tax rates just so the Republic of China could buy huge expanses of land which were already rightfully theirs to begin with. In other news, Warren E. Buffett disclosed yesterday that he had prostate cancer, a development that would probably heighten the questions over his successor as the chief executive of his conglomerate, Berkshire Hathaway.

No weddings but a funeral

Amina el-Filali, a moon-faced Moroccan peasant girl, seemed destined for an obscure life in a dreary little farming village 50 miles south of Tangiers. But that was before she was lured into sexual relations at age 15 by a 23-year-old unemployed laborer (and complete bellend) who took her into a shed next to the eucalyptus grove behind her house. She was then ushered into an early wedding, with the man who took her virginity, by a traditional Muslim family eager to salvage its honour. But the wedding plans backfired when she swallowed rat poison to commit suicide rather than endure what she told her mother was an unbearable marriage. Since the suicide (which took place shortly before lunch on the 10th of last month), she has become a national cause and an icon for women’s groups, human rights organisations, progressive politicians, and millions of ­Western-oriented Moroccans who have demanded changing a law that permits marriage at such a young age. The demands for change have arisen only eight years after a landmark modernisation of the country’s family code, spearheaded by King Mohammed VI. The family code set 18 as the legal age for marriage for both sexes. But it also provided for exceptions to be decided by judges on the basis of special legal and social circumstances. In practice, the provision robbed the age limit of much of its meaning, so I think it needs to go. Had there been no exceptions to the age limit, Amina might still be alive today.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Aston Villa

This morning at Old Trafford, those nutjobs were sunk 4-0 by the champions, Manchester United, in a match that the Reds deservedly dominated start to finish. There were two goals by Wayne Rooney, one by Danny Welbeck, and one by Nani. Each team received three yellow cards apiece.

Much ado about shrapnel

A Colorado college student says he was short-changed by the city of Fort Collins when it refused to accept his bucket of change. Ted Nischan tried to use his nearly 50 pound (almost 23 kg) bucket of loose change to pay a US$160 speeding ticket. Strapped for cash and two days from losing his license, he first tried to pay by credit card, but the municipal court didn't have a working credit card machine. So he went back home, grabbed his savings, and went back in and tried to pay it. They would not accept it. The court told him it would be a waste of taxpayer money to count it all, even though his bank already confirmed it was the right amount. That may be true, but it is the city's job to accept the fine. Nischan was paying the fine in legal tender, which, according to Wikipedia, is a medium of payment allowed by law or recognized by a legal system to be valid for meeting a financial obligation. For instance, if an individual owes someone US$100 in the United States, he or she can try to pay the debt in Mexican pesos or valuable jewelry or gold metal, or even a cheque or a charge card, but the creditor is not required to accept any of those as payment. The creditor must accept US $20 dollar bills, however, because that is legal tender in the United States. In Mexico, however, pesos are legal tender, but US dollars are not. So, by Mexican law, the creditor must accept pesos as payment, whereas the creditor can refuse US dollars or gold. But, because the city of Fort Collins were having none of it, the poor kid was forced to dip into his college financial aid.

Milking the camels dry

In a Dubai café, patrons sip camel-milk lattes, camel-ccinos, and shakes made with camel milk. The recently opened Cafe2Go is one of the first to put camel milk on its menu and it seems to be passing the taste test with intrigued customers. Camel milk has been a staple for Bedouins for centuries, but it has never before been produced in scale or used commercially in this way. For Emiratis, it is a way of combining local pride with a healthy option. Camel milk is lower in fat and higher in Vitamin C than cow's milk. In the milk are all the vitamins, minerals, fat, and carbohydrates that you need for daily life. I bet people in other countries will be seeing this in their health food stores or supermarkets soon.

Expensive rocket, major fail

The cost of today’s failed rocket launch by North Korea is estimated by South Korean intelligence officials at $850 million – nearly enough to feed about 80% of the population of the impoverished nation for a year. The launch site cost $400 million and the rocket and payload cost an additional $450 million, a military official told Yonhap, South Korea’s state-affiliated news agency. Yonhap says the cash could feed 19 million for a year. That rocket was a stupid waste of money and it just proves that Kim Jong-Un is already on his way to being an irresponsible leader. North Korea is poor enough as it is without making such silly mistakes like that.

A win for Wigan

Manchester United's lead at the top of the table was trimmed back to five points this morning after a shock 1-0 defeat at DW Stadium in Wigan. Wigan's goal was scored by Shaun Maloney and there were two yellow cards going Man United's way.

I bet the North looks silly after learning about this

Cho Myung-chul remembers what it was like to vote in North Korea: they have a little piece of paper and a pencil right next to it. If you don't like the candidate you can pick up a pencil and cross their name off, but the person who picks up the pencil will die. There is always someone watching outside, and of course, there is only one candidate. That, everyone, is as close to the "democratic" part of its official name as it gets over there. The idea of a free election seemed impossible to Cho Myung-chul before he defected. But he is now hoping to become the first North Korean in the South Korean parliament. He stands a fair chance of being elected, number four of 46 proportional representative candidates for the ruling Saenuri party. He asks CNN, "Can you imagine the shock of all my former colleagues and school friends in North Korea if I get a place in the National Assembly?" I can't imagine said shock. The Korean peninsula was split in 1953 when an armistice was signed after a bloody war. The two sides have never signed a peace agreement. South Korea has since grown to become Asia's fourth largest economy whereas North Korea struggles to feed its own people, asking (better put, mooching off) the international community for food and monetary aid. But I hope they sort it all out.

Fuelling theft

With gas hovering around $4 a gallon (which is still cheaper than what one can expect to pay in New Zealand), more and more Americans are deciding they'd rather steal it than pay for it. Theft of fuel has traditionally risen and fallen with pump prices, but now crooks are going beyond simply siphoning from a parked car or driving off without paying after a fill-up. Around the nation, thieves are using ingenious methods and breathtaking brazenness to empty the tanks of trucks, industrial fleets, and even gas stations themselves. Petrol prices need to come way down before there are any more incidents like these:

*A group of men were arrested in Davis, California, after they were caught on tape using a customized truck to pump gasoline directly out of underground storage tanks at area gas stations. The truck was disguised as a bread delivery truck for cover.
*In Tampa, local cops interrupted two men at a BP station as they were pumping out gas from storage tanks into barrels set up in a modified minivan. The incident has put local authorities on high alert.
*Utah has seen a spike in thefts from cars and trucks, and other machinery at construction sites, including $200 worth of diesel stolen from a 40-ton excavator at one site in the town of West Point.
*In South Texas, a man was charged with murder after he and two cohorts caused an explosion after trying to siphon fuel from natural gas condensate tanks, leaving one dead and others severely burned.
*In the California Wine Country region, Emeritus Vineyards shelled out thousands of dollars beefing up security after thieves were cutting fence locks and stealing gas from the winemaker’s fleet of delivery trucks.

But there is a way one can thwart those bellends and at the same time not have to obtain fuel for their cars - convert them to run on electricity.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: QPR

The Queen's Park Rangers are the latest group of bellends to have gone down at the hands of the one and only Manchester United. This morning's game at Old Trafford ended with a 2-0 win for the home team. The goals were scored by Wayne Rooney and Paul Scholes. The yellow card went to Rafael and the red card went to Shaun Derry.

So a shop opens on Easter

Shops across the country continue to flout Easter trading laws, with more found to be in breach of the act this year than the previous two. A Department of Labour spokeswoman said inspectors visited 38 shops on Good Friday and 26 shops today, with 22 found to be open on Friday and 19 today. The 41 shop total was slightly higher than last year, where 39 shops were found in breach of the act, and 2010 when 38 shops were nabbed. The Shop Trading Hours Act Repeal Act 1990 specifies most shops must close on Christmas Day, Good Friday, Easter Sunday, and until 1pm on Anzac Day. That is a stupid law which, for the most part, is only there to force observances of religious holidays on everyone. Some countries still require shops to close every Sunday because the respective legislation was written by a bunch of religious freaks hell-bent on imposing their stupid views on the entire populace. Requiring businesses to close on certain days is also a gross breach of civil liberties and something needs to be done about it.

Kidney trouble in China

Five people in southern China have been charged with intentional injury after illegally buying one of the kidneys of a teenage boy, who used the money at least in part for an iPhone and an iPad, according to state media. The five, including a surgeon, removed the organ in April 2011 from the 17-year-old high school student from China's Anhui province. The teenager is now suffering from renal insufficiency and his condition is deteriorating. One of the defendants, a man named He Wei, was described as penniless and frustrated over gambling debts, and allegedly sought to make enormous earnings through illegal kidney trading. But even so, only in Iran are you allowed to sell your kidney for money, and even then, it's probably not a good idea to begin with. But it's worth it if you're only after the latest technology or trying to pay off a debt or save up for a holiday.

Azawad: just like Nauru

Tuareg rebels who overran much of northern Mali after disaffected soldiers toppled the government in the south declared an independent state called Azawad today, cementing the division of the former French colony as its neighbors began drawing up plans for military action to tackle the twin crises of the coup and the apparent secession. The declaration came within 24 hours of the northern rebels declaring a cease-fire, saying they had completed military operations after achieving their objectives — the capture of a string of settlements in a lightning advance across the desert north of the country. But they've got a fair bit to go before they can call themselves a country. For starters, they just rushed in without deciding on a capital unlike the other recent secessions. There are other separatist regions who had already decided on a capital before becoming independent (for instance, Pristina was already the seat of government for Kosovo before its independence in 2008), and there are some who aren't independent yet but already have capitals (for instance, Tiraspol is the capital of Transnistria). However, Nauru doesn't have an official capital either.

Austerity over his dead body

An elderly man took his own life near the Greek parliament building in central Athens in what was apparently a protest over the austerity crisis gripping the nation. The man, who was in his mid-70s, wrote in a suicide note that the government had made it impossible for him to survive. This is not surprising in a country that had a 21% unemployment rate as of December last year. There has to be a better way to sort this crisis out than causing the populace to take their own lives. Greece has been struggling with an unsustainable level of debt and an economy that has been in recession for years. Modern Greece traces its roots to the civilisation of ancient Greece, generally considered the cradle of Western civilisation. As such it is the birthplace of democracy, Western philosophy, the Olympic Games (but obviously not the drug cheats that ruin some of the sports), Western literature and historiography, political science, major scientific and mathematical principles, and Western drama including both tragedy and comedy. I believe they can rise above their current difficulties and become a great nation once again.

Corrupt sheriff in his own jail

A former lawman once crowned America's Sheriff of the Year was bedding down last night in a Colorado jail named in his honour, as he began a 30-day sentence for drug and prostitution offences. Patrick Sullivan, who was accused of providing methamphetamine in exchange for sex, admitted a felony drug charge and soliciting a prostitute and was sentenced to time in the Patrick J. Sullivan, Jr. Detention Facility. This is totally unbecoming of such a highly-acclaimed sheriff but at least this proves that even the people responsible for enforcement of the law are not above the law. But even so, he should've been locked up for longer because cops are there to protect and serve, not to have sex with prostitutes for meth.

Black burned

But not in a racist way of course. Manchester United took a huge step towards a 20th league title with a priceless victory over Blackburn at Ewood Park, secured by superb late goals from Antonio Valencia and Ashley Young. Only two yellow cards were shown.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The outgoing military government of Myanmar

But first, APRIL FOOL! I’m not really branching out into pornography. In fact, the picture to the left is the most porn you will ever see here.

Less than two years ago, Myanmar's leaders were doing all they could to silence pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi. Now they're poised to welcome her into parliament. The sudden relaxation of political shackles on the Nobel laureate has raised the inevitable questions of why, and what do they want in return? One expert said Myanmar's new leaders, who were elected to power in a vote derided as a "sham" in November 2010, had tired of being ostracised by the international community. It's about time those nutjobs realised what they were turning their nation into and backed out without needing a coup. In other news, Tuareg separatist rebels in the north of Mali have claimed Gao, Kidal, and Timbuktu.

Goodbye forever

This will be my last post here. I will be gone but not forgotten. Goodbye forever.

In Loving Memory
DISSEMINATORS OF THE TRUTH
(March 2010 – April 2012)

But this is not really the end. Tomorrow, this blog will start hosting pornographic images. Think of us as Disseminators of the Porn.