Outer gets kicked out

The Bellend of the Month for April 2017 is Jeff Varner, who was dramatically evicted from the current season of Survivor after what many viewers are already calling the most horrifying moment in the history of the show. The current US season of the show, its 34th, is Survivor: Game Changers and brings together a group of popular former contestants in the show to do battle with each other in a bid to win $1 million. Two of these contestants are 50-year-old Varner, who's twice previously competed in the show, and 28-year-old Zeke Smith, who was a popular contestant in the 33rd season. Through this season's six episodes to date, the pair, who both openly identify as gay men, have forged a close friendship. That all changed at Tribal Council this episode, with Varner feeling the heat as he knew he was likely to be voted out. Attempting to get the target off his back, Varner encouraged his fellow contestants to cast a more critical eye on Smith. He announces that Smith had been lying to the group: He's transgender, and this is information he has not shared with them. "It reveals the ability to deceive," he tells them. As Zeke sits stunned that his gender identity has just been outed in front of his castmates - not to mention a worldwide TV audience - it's immediately clear that Varner's move has backfired. The other contestants howl him down, several becoming extremely emotional as they grapple with what he's just done to Zeke. Speaking to host Jeff Probst, Varner seemed to grasp that he'd made a terrible mistake, and attempted to backtrack. "I'm not saying, Jeff, that transgender people are deceptive," he said, to which Probst scoffed: "You're saying that by not revealing it, he's capable of deception. That's a giant leap of logic. Do you honestly not see that?" Probst then made an executive decision that there would be no vote. There was no need - it was clear who had to leave the island. "We don't need to vote, just grab your torch," he told Varner. He and his torch should both be dragged off an overbooked flight.

Caring for bread

 

Drawn derby in race to the top four

It was honours even in Thursday night’s Manchester derby as United held firm to claim a vital point against City at the Etihad Stadium, despite being reduced to 10 men late on. The Blues dominated what was, at times, a fiery game and the Reds were forced to play a man down for the final 10 minutes of normal as well as added time after Marouane Fellaini was red-carded for a clash with Sergio Aguero. The result leaves the Manchester rivals still well-placed in the race for a top-four finish, with both sides hot on the heels of Liverpool having played a game less than the Merseysiders. And the Reds should just keep going for the top four, from which they can qualify for the Champions League.

From breaking guitars to breaking bones

 

Look at that view, people

 

Just Mexico getting their money's worth

 

Burnley burned in lead-up to derby

Manchester United comfortably defeated Burnley 2-0 at Turf Moor to close the gap on top-four rivals Manchester City to just one point with the derby up next for Jose Mourinho's men. First-half goals from Anthony Martial and the returning Wayne Rooney bagged United the three points and intensified Thursday's now crucial meeting of the local adversaries. And they better win that one too.

Joanie is next to be Trumped

These sad days are yours and mine not just because of Trump but also because Erin Moran, the former child star who played Joanie Cunningham in the sitcoms “Happy Days” and “Joanie Loves Chachi,” has died at the age of 56. Police in Harrison County, Indiana said that she had been found unresponsive after authorities received a 911 call, and the cause of her death has not been determined although Moran had endured numerous struggles in recent years. Moran was already a veteran actress when in 1974 she was cast in Happy Days as Joanie, the kid sister to Ron Howard’s Richie Cunningham in the sitcom set in the 1950s. She would later appear with Scott Baio in spinoff Joanie Loves Chachi. Speaking of which, she shared a birthday with Pam Dawber, who was Mindy in fellow spinoff Mork and Mindy.

What Obama and now Trump needed all along

 

Agitation to the max

 

It's gonna be the one that saves her

 

Sounds like something Trump would threaten

 

Gotye for those who have forgotten

 

Unbeaten run extends to 22

Goals from Marcus Rashford and Ander Herrera gave Manchester United a deserved victory over Premier League leaders Chelsea at Old Trafford. Rashford gave the Reds the perfect start with a composed finish inside seven minutes before Herrera’s deflected shot found the net early in the second half to secure a memorable win. It was just rewards for an impressive display as United extended the unbeaten run in the league to 22 games since being beaten by the Blues in October to maintain the pursuit of a top-four finish, but actually securing a place in the top four would be nice.

Charlie is all Murphed out

Charlie Murphy, the older brother of actor Eddie Murphy and a comedy stand-up performer in his own right, has died from leukaemia at the age of 57. Murphy was perhaps best-known for his appearances on Chappelle's Show, Dave Chappelle's skit show that aired on Comedy Central in the early 2000s. The New York-native helped to write his famous brother's starring films, Norbit and Vampire in Brooklyn. He voiced a role in the animated TV series The Boondocks and also appeared in the comedy series Black Jesus. And another like him will never be found.

Fifteen and a half years of savaging passengers the United way

 

ISIS are just getting desperate now

 

Flying United in 2017 like a boss

 

Someone actually wrote this about Ip Man

 

Seriously the funniest film review ever.

And now for something downright offensive

 

A Red Devil of a performance

Goals from Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Henrikh Mkhitaryan, and Marcus Rashford ensured Manchester United returned to winning ways in the Premier League with a convincing victory over 10-man Sunderland at the Stadium of Light. Ibrahimovic fired the Reds ahead with a stunning 20-yard strike on 30 minutes before his Swedish compatriot, Sunderland midfielder Sebastian Larsson, got sent off for a high challenge on Ander Herrera shortly before the half-time break. Mkhitaryan doubled the lead within a minute of the restart, drilling home a brilliant shot for his eighth goal for the club. Second-half substitute Rashford then rounded off a comfortable win late on, as the Reds moved up to fifth in the table after extending the unbeaten run in the league to 21 games. But the Reds would already be at the top if some of those draws were wins.

Makes just about as much sense as Trump

 

Heil Merkel

 

Borat approves

 

Vegans look away now

 

Another April draw

Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s last-gasp penalty salvaged a point for Manchester United as the Reds were held to a 1-1 draw by Everton at Old Trafford. The striker, on his return from suspension, converted the spot-kick in the 94th minute after the visitors' centre-back Ashley Williams was sent off for handball. His dramatic equaliser rescued the Reds after Phil Jagielka had hooked home to give the Toffees the lead in the first half. After this second successive draw in the space of four days at home, Jose Mourinho’s men are now unbeaten in 20 Premier League games - a run which also saw the same scoreline when the sides met at Goodison Park in December. But this is now April, and the Reds have had plenty of time to get to a point where first place was still at least mathematically possible. Hopefully they can salvage a top four spot.

And yet nobody expected it

 

Lest we forget the wrong envelope was presented

 

Former Reds hold their own against Reds

Manchester United's pursuit for a top-four place faltered after a stubborn West Brom side frustrated the Reds in a goalless draw at Old Trafford. Despite having over 70 per cent of the possession, the hosts failed to break down a well-organised Baggies defence, with ex-Reds Ben Foster and Jonny Evans performing well. Another United old boy, Darren Fletcher, actually came closest to scoring when David De Gea palmed a speculative shot onto the bar. Sir Alex taught the ex-Reds well, but what Jose needs to do is keep putting the ball in the back of the net, especially because his name sounds like the kind that Trump could deport.

London Bridge is down

You heard right, the world's longest-serving head of state, Queen Elizabeth II, has died at the age of 90. Farewell, Lillibet.