Not a very kosher case, this one

The Bellend of the Month for October 2017 is Reza Moazami, who was convicted of luring 11 teens into prostitution and sentenced to 23 years jail time, and is apparently now suing the Attorney General of Canada claiming he was wrongfully denied kosher meals in prison. Moazami was found guilty on 30 charges in 2015, including sexual exploitation, sexual assault, and living off the avails of prostitution. His 11 victims ranged in age from 14 to 19, and his case was the first human-trafficking conviction in British Columbia. At trial, the court heard Moazami, then in his mid-20s, recruited vulnerable girls by promising them drugs, alcohol, and in one instance a puppy. A B.C. Supreme Court notice of claim filed by Moazami states he was denied a kosher diet for approximately nine months due to negligence on the part of correctional staff. The claim states Moazami is half Jewish and strictly abides by his religious principles — those that conform with Jewish dietary law. Moazami also claims he was discriminated against by correctional staff for being denied medications, and because his mail was illegally read and seized. Here's the deal: prison is supposed to be a punishment. If you're in there, it's because you did the wrong thing. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

This is gonna suck for Trump #makeamericasuckagain

 

Walking out and spurring on

Some Texans players considered staging a walkout following a comment by team owner Bob McNair that appeared to compare NFL players to "inmates," a source told ESPN. About 10 players, including Pro Bowl wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins, left the facility Friday. Sources told ESPN's Adam Schefter that Hopkins' absence from practice was directly related to McNair's comment, and running back D'Onta Foreman also did not practice over the quote which McNair has twice apologised for.

In other football news, a late second-half strike from super-sub Anthony Martial secured a significant 1-0 win over fellow title challengers Tottenham Hotspur in wet conditions at Old Trafford. Martial, who replaced Marcus Rashford midway through the second half, latched on to Romelu Lukaku's flick from David De Gea's long kick to give the Reds three hard-earned points. Jose Mourinho opted to go for three at the back as Phil Jones and Chris Smalling partnered the returning Eric Bailly in central defence. Further forward, Ashley Young, Antonio Valencia, Henrikh Mkhitaryan, and Lukaku - who all sat out the midweek Carabao Cup win over Swansea City - returned. Harry Kane was left out of the Spurs squad due to injury. Prior to kick-off, a minute's silence was impeccably observed in memory of those who gave their lives in armed conflict. Some kneeling would have been in order during that minute, but I'll just settle for the three points.

DEAD@89

Fats Domino (above) and Robert Guillaume (below)

Sage advice follows

And y'all better take heed, especially younger males in the Southern Hemisphere, as it will serve them well in the months ahead. 

Disclaimer: this product may be known as Lynx in your country. Lynx is also not a shower in a can.

And yet the word sand is still in there

 

Happy 60th Bart

 Here's to another 60 years of eating your shorts and not having a cow, man.

Cartman can really learn a lot from the list

 

Here's why the losers are in power:

 

New guys claim a red scalp

Goals by Aaron Mooy and Laurent Depoitre earned Huddersfield Town victory over an out-of-sorts Manchester United at the John Smith's Stadium, despite substitute Marcus Rashford pulling one back. The Reds simply endured a first half to forget in the wind and rain in west Yorkshire. Although Romelu Lukaku had an early shot straight at Jonas Lossl, the keeper was not tested again for the remainder of the opening period. Anthony Martial had a flare-up with home skipper Tommy Smith which set the tone as the fired-up Terriers set about unsettling Jose Mourinho's men. Both players were booked. Lukaku was off target with an acrobatic volley from a cross by Ashley Young, who looked the Reds' most enterprising attacking outlet. And he should have pulled his weight.

Electronic Assholes is what they are

 

Nutella and bacon pizza

 

Back to '99 we shall go

 

And also because we have a female Prime Minister... AGAIN. Kingmaker Winston Peters has made his choice: it's Labour ... and Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern. New Zealand First has crowned Ardern the next prime minister with its decision to back a Labour-led government, which will also need the Green Party to govern. Ardern will claim the top job after only two and a-half months as Labour leader - and follows her former mentor Helen Clark into the top job. The decision will come as a shock to National, which holds two more seats than the Labour-Green bloc and ends its hope of leading New Zealand for a fourth term. Personally, I think National can just go have sex with themselves.

Just Slavin' along

 

Stuff only a troll would do

 

Kap to bring on the Krap

Colin Kaepernick, who many believe has been blackballed by the NFL following his protest against racial injustice in the US, is reportedly set to file a lawsuit against the league’s team owners. According to Mike Freeman of Bleacher Report, the former San Francisco 49ers quarterback has hired attorney Mark Geragos and will claim NFL owners have colluded to keep him out of the league. Under the league’s Collective Bargaining Agreement teams and the NFL are forbidden from coming together to deprive a player of employment. “If the NFL (as well as all professional sports teams) is to remain a meritocracy, then principled and peaceful protest – which the owners themselves made great theater imitating weeks ago – should not be punished and athletes should not be denied employment based on partisan political provocation by the Executive Branch of our government,” Geragos said in a statement. “Such a precedent threatens all patriotic Americans and harkens back to our darkest days as a nation. Protecting all athletes from such collusive conduct is what compelled Mr Kaepernick to file his grievance. Colin Kaepernick’s goal has always been, and remains, to simply be treated fairly by the league he performed at the highest level for and to return to the football playing field.” Kaepernick chose to kneel last season during the national anthem. He was joined by other NFL players and the protests have continued into this season: on Sunday seven San Francisco 49ers players knelt during the anthem. The movement has angered Donald Trump, who ordered Vice-President Mike Pence to leave a game last week in which players were protesting. I will still stand for and sing along to my country's national anthem, religious references and all, but as soon as the Star-Spangled Banner comes on, I will be taking a knee for Kap until the day he returns to the NFL.

Nil-all again, naturally

A dogged and determined defensive performance from Manchester United helped the Reds earn a point against rivals Liverpool after a stalemate inside a typically raucous Anfield. A first-half wonder save from David De Gea, aided by a completely professional defensive performance was enough for a point to extend the unbeaten run all season in the Premier League. Romelu Lukaku, despite being isolated in attack, could have even grabbed all three points if he had converted a first-half effort which was saved by Simon Mignolet. Boss Jose Mourinho opted to start with a stubborn-looking formation away from home against one of the Reds' title rivals with Chris Smalling joining the returning Phil Jones and Matteo Darmian replacing the injured Eric Bailly in a central three at the back. Ander Herrera came in for the injured Marouane Fellaini in midfield, while Anthony Martial, who scored on his debut against Liverpool, played on the left flank. In the build-up, Mourinho stated the Reds' clash with Liverpool was 'just a match', but try telling the fans that! Prior to kick-off, Anfield’s Centenary Stand was renamed the Kenny Dalglish Stand in honour of the Scottish club legend, and a special mosaic was revealed so it only added to what was a stirring Anfield atmosphere. United, however, set up to silence the crowd early on with deep-lying defensive play which saw the team use similar tactics to grab a dogged 0-0 draw here last season. But seriously, just one goal! Not too much to ask, really.

They should really get rid of that flight

  

Other browsers are your friend

 

PASSCHENDAELE@100

Ever since 1917, Passchendaele has been a byword for the horror of the Great War. In terms of lives lost in a single day, the failed attack on Bellevue Spur on 12 October was probably the greatest disaster in New Zealand’s history.

Eight days earlier, 320 New Zealanders died during the capture of Gravenstafel Spur, one of two spurs on the ridge above Passchendaele in Flanders, Belgium. Although this attack was successful, it had a tragic aftermath. The British High Command mistakenly concluded that the number of German casualties meant enemy resistance was faltering and resolved to make another push immediately.

An attack on 9 October by British and Australian troops was to open the way for II ANZAC Corps to capture Passchendaele on the 12th. The plan failed. Without proper preparation and in the face of strong German resistance, the 9 October attack collapsed with heavy casualties.

The New Zealanders nevertheless began their advance at 5.25 a.m. on the 12th. The preliminary artillery barrage had been largely ineffective because thick mud made it almost impossible to bring heavy guns forward, or to stabilise those that were in position. Exposed to raking German machine-gun fire from both the front and the flank, and unable to get through uncut barbed wire, the New Zealanders were pinned down in shell craters. Orders for another push at 3 p.m. were postponed and then cancelled.

The troops eventually fell back to positions close to their start line. For badly wounded soldiers lying in the mud, the aftermath of the battle was a private hell; many died before rescuers could reach them. The toll was horrendous: 843 New Zealand soldiers were either dead or lying mortally wounded between the lines.

On 18 October, Canadian troops relieved II ANZAC Corps. In a series of well-prepared but costly attacks in atrocious conditions, they finally occupied the ruins of Passchendaele village on 6 November. The offensive had long since failed in its strategic purpose and the capture of Passchendaele no longer represented any significant gain.

LEST WE FORGET

This is how you start a fire

 

Burglars have standards too

 

Leggo my Lego

 

Ricky Baker's also been to Asgard

 

Somebody told me / about evolution / it sure beats creation

That's just how well the medical profession pays

 

Now that's a good dog

 

SPUTNIK@60

 

Guess who's back, back again? OJ's back, tell a friend!

Former football legend O.J. Simpson became a free man again Sunday after serving nine years for a botched hotel-room heist in Las Vegas that brought the conviction and prison time he avoided in the killings of his wife and her friend after his 1995 acquittal. Nevada state prisons spokeswoman Brooke Keast told The Associated Press that Simpson was released at 12:08 a.m. PDT from Lovelock Correctional Center in northern Nevada. She said she did not know who met Simpson upon his release and didn't know where Simpson was immediately headed in his first hours of freedom. The dead-of-night release from the prsion located about 90 miles (145 kilometers) east of Reno, Nevada, was conducted to avoid media attention. But now that he's out, he'd better not stuff up again. He was lucky to avoid a murder conviction the first time, but wasn't so lucky with the robbery on the second time.

Elaine's got the killer titties

Seinfeld and Veep star Julia Louis-Dreyfus has revealed she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. The Emmy-winning actress posted the news about her illness on social media, writing on Twitter: "1 in 8 women get breast cancer. Today, I'm the one." She continued by taking aim at President Donald Trump's plans to change the US healthcare system. "The good news is that I have the most glorious group of supportive and caring family and friends, and fantastic insurance through my union. The bad news is that not all women are so lucky, so let's fight all cancers and make universal health care a reality." According to HBO, Louis-Dreyfus was diagnosed a day after winning her sixth Best Actress Emmy for her role in Veep on September 17. After making the news public, actress Christina Applegate, who had a double mastectomy almost 10 years ago after she was diagnosed with breast cancer, sent Louis-Dreyfus a message on social media saying: "Mama, find me. Let's talk if you want". How about finding Cartman and getting him to put out an APB on those killer titties? Because seriously, cancer needs to be put in its place for it is pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be destroyed. When there is a cancer, you have to fight it. You can't reason with cancer, you can't wish it away. Cancer doesn't play by the rules, so neither can you. And you can't listen to what anybody else tells you. You have to be willing to give up everything, because the cancer will take everything. When you have cancer you fight, because it doesn't matter if you beat it or not - you refuse to let that fat little lump make you feel powerless!

Inching ever closer to the silverware

Romelu Lukaku matched Andrew Cole's Manchester United record of scoring seven goals in his first seven league matches as he added to earlier strikes from Juan Mata and a double from Marouane Fellaini in a thumping 4-0 win over struggling Crystal Palace at Old Trafford. The result means Jose Mourinho's men leapfrog Manchester City, albeit temporarily, at the top of the table. Mata sent United on their way after just three minutes, latching on to Marcus Rashford's cross, before Fellaini converted Ashley Young's delivery just after the half-hour mark. Fellaini then grabbed his second at the start of the second period, nodding in Rashford's wicked free-kick, before Lukaku completed the rout late on by tapping in from close range. At the other end, David De Gea's clean sheet means the Reds have now equalled their best-ever clean sheet record at the start of a Premier League campaign. And they will beat it on their next outing.