Only one Sick Phoque worth inducting into the Club this month

Go fugu yourself

Flattening the curve like a boss

The Teenager’s Guide to Surviving the Coronavirus

We all knew 2020 was coming

🍩 before and after 🍆

We’re going into lockdown in a few hours

As New Zealand prepares to go into a month of lockdown from tonight, there was another last-minute flurry of announcements and developments. A state of emergency was declared, the number of confirmed cases jumped by another record amount (50 more for a total of 205), and the total is expected to go into the thousands. Heading into the lockdown, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern had a simple message for Kiwis - "Act like you have Covid-19" and stay at home". Breaking the rules could kill someone close to you and see the lockdown period extended beyond four weeks, she warned. The PM said number of cases was likely to reach the thousands before it started to drop. Come on, Aotearoa. We’ve made it through worse. You get four weeks off school/work for this one sacrifice.

Starfish must really like nipples

iBench 2.0: The Coronavirus Edition

Corona on the mind

The Gambler is no more

Country music legend Kenny Rogers has died. "The Rogers family is sad to announce that Kenny Rogers passed away last night at 10:25pm at the age of 81," his family said in a statement on Saturday. "Rogers passed away peacefully at home from natural causes under the care of hospice and surrounded by his family." The family said it was planning a small private service "out of concern for the national COVID-19 emergency". Rest In Peace, Kenny. Your music really is an ace that I can keep in these uncertain times.

It’s All About the Science

Say No to the Jab

Weight right here

Happy St Pat’s

We need more of Mansa Musa and less of Jeff Bezos

This is still not who we are

Getting the pride on for Christchurch Pride Week

And so the Yogis continue

Third one going to Hell Pizza, who are smarter than the average pizza shop every Friday the 13th by reducing the price of their usually expensive pizzas to $13 if you use the Candyman code online or if you say it three times while ordering at the store or over the phone. They’re busier than usual as a result. Next one’s not until November, but here’s a tip for then: just don’t look in the mirror while ordering.

Fourth and final one goes to all those countries whose leaders are smarter than the average by doing something about the coronavirus (hint: not the Donald).

We’ve made it

Disseminators of the Ten

We’re almost at the 10-year mark, and we will be kicking off the 2020 Yogis right with the first one going to Pamela Anderson, who was smarter than the average celebrity when she stormed out of a gala last April after €100,000 earmarked for poor French children went to fire-ravaged Notre Dame cathedral instead. The “Baywatch” star said she was at an Olympique Marseille fundraiser to support poverty-stricken children when organizers auctioned off a big ticket item to benefit the Gothic cathedral. “Surely the children suffering in Marseille could have used the 100,000 € more than the church that has already received over a billion in donations by billionaires,” the actress fumed on Twitter. “I hope they will reconsider and give where it is needed,” Anderson continued. “To the community here in Marseille where it was intended. And would go much further in making lives better.” I agree with her. The event was intended to raise money for a particular charity that addresses an ongoing need. Then they sold off a large item for a cause that raised over a billion in a single day. Even assuming they don’t have enough, it’ll probably take years before the funds run out. If you’re raising money for a particular charity, you need to raise the money for that single charity. That one item represented almost 20% of the money raised that night, and went to a cause that has hardly struggled to raise funds, and that won’t really suffer if those funds aren’t enough. Notre Dame will get rebuilt eventually, but hungry kids need food now. Exactly every cent (unfortunately for the organisers, that includes euro cents) has to be donated to the advertised cause(s), or it’s fraud. And quite frankly, I don’t give a shit about Notre Dame. It is a cathedral, it has history and art and all that bla bla bla, but guess what - even with all the rebuilding and reparations, the art and the architecture being restored are not the same as the ones that were made hundreds of years ago. They are replicas, not the originals. The originals were lost to the fire. Notre Dame is a thing of the past, and it is the inevitability of the past to wither away into nothingness. But children are the future. They are the ones who will inherit our world. Raise them right, and they may create something tomorrow worth a hundred dusty cathedrals.

Second Yogi for 2020 goes to @gutinepaul, who was smarter than the average Twitter user. He is the first person from the Marshall Islands to receive a Yogi, and he bloody well deserves it. His tweet last week about people associating Asians with coronavirus screams voice of reason. Stupidity is the real pandemic, along with the media over-sensationalism.

Gettin' close to the big 10

Before we kick off the 2020 Yogi Awards, we have ten Reverse Yogis to give out for those who, at some point over the past decade, have been dumber than the average. These are mostly just dishonourable mentions and are not awarded in any particular order:

*In early 2012, the movie Journey 2: The Mysterious Island was released. In the scene where stepfather and stepson Hank and Sean (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Josh Hutcherson respectively) arrive in Palau, Sean doesn't know how to talk to the locals but Hank reassures him that "the official language in Palau is English". While English is an official language as a result of 50 years of administration in some form by the United States (indeed, including second-language speakers, more people speak English than Palauan in Palau), it is not the only one. The official languages of Palau are Palauan and English, except in two states (Sonsorol and Hatohobei) where the local languages, Sonsorolese and Tobian, respectively, along with Palauan, are official. Japanese is spoken by some older Palauans and is an official language in the State of Angaur. So what's my point? Here's my point: it would have been nice to have some lines spoken in the Palauan language.
*Another movie-related one: Guns Akimbo. While I liked the film, March probably wasn't the wisest time of year to release it in New Zealand. Any film with that level of violence, and gun violence in particular, should not be released in New Zealand too close to the anniversary of the Christchurch mosque shootings, or at the very least not be screened on the 15th out of respect for the people of Christchurch.
*The dank memes on this blog. There's just too much of them and not enough posts like this.
*Justin Bieber is unfortunately still a thing.
*Pro-vax nutjobs who won't listen to the facts: VACCINES. CAUSE. AUTISM.
*Those of you who voted for Biden in the primaries. Seriously, guys, what does Joe have that Bernie doesn't?
*Those Jafas who got banned from the Rialto cinema in Dunedin last April for flashing some dinero while joking that "ISIS pays well". It wouldn't if they got kidnapped and beheaded.
*The All Blacks losing the Rugby World Cup.
*Donald Trump, most definitely. His presidency has just been one big circus.
*In 2011, police on the Isle of Wight arrested a Simon Ledger on suspicion of racism for singing the classic chart hit Kung Fu Fighting. The song was said to have offended two Chinese people as they walked past the bar where he was singing. It’s a classic song. Just leave poor Simon be.

Reds get the spoils in the derby

Lightning struck twice for this man

Art, 21st-century style

But why though?

The end of all religion... or is it?

Greta predicted this

That’s exactly what’s going on

Stuck at 1 goal with the Toffees

Another summer over

And another induction for the Sick Phoque Club. February 2020’s induction is Harvey Weinstein, who has been found guilty of rape in the third degree and a criminal sexual act, and not guilty on three counts including two more serious charges of predatory sexual assault. After the verdict, Weinstein was remanded to jail to await sentencing on the 11th; Weinstein faces a sentence of between 5 and 29 years. A better option for him would be to spend that time around quarantined coronavirus patients. The virus, which is related to the SARS virus that was doing the rounds in mid-2003, will come down on him much harder than any the Department of Ju$tU$ ever could.