The Gay Promotee not promoted

The Bellend of the Month for April 2016 is one of Scotland Yard's top female officers, Commander Christine Jones. 50-year-old Jones, who oversaw the Met's security operation at the 2011 Royal Wedding, is being investigated over claims she discriminated against a senior gay colleague, namely blocking Superintendent Steve Deehan's bid for promotion. The £110,000 a year Jones is alleged to have misrepresented other people's views on 48-year-old Supt Deehan's application for a higher rank. Supt Deehan is openly homosexual and has spoken out in the past over the need for more diversity in the Met. The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said it is probing whether Commander Jones' alleged actions were 'aggravated by discrimination'. They clearly were. Anyone can see that.

Traffic lights on the pavement

That's right, the circles on the ground in the bottom photo are traffic lights so those who text while walking don't get run over.

The straight way is not always the shortest

Justice has prevailed for the 96

THE BIG REVIEW: Loopholes

At this point, even Justin Bieber would be a better name than that of a Confederate soldier

Reds make it to FA Cup final

That's right, Manchester United have beaten Everton to secure a spot in the FA Cup final. Just days earlier, they closed the gap on top-four rivals Arsenal and Manchester City with a routine 2-0 win over Crystal Palace, providing a timely morale boost ahead of the game at Wembley. The victory – secured via a Damien Delaney own goal and Matteo Darmian volley – left the Reds just a point behind the Gunners ahead of their game-in-hand against West Bromwich Albion on Thursday, with Manuel Pellegrini’s Blues two points ahead after their draw at Newcastle earlier in the week. I hope LVG can at least win the FA Cup.

Pluto Pluto Pluto, Oi Oi Oi

Nothing compares to this as far as bad news goes

Yesterday, the Queen turned 90. But Prince will not reach that milestone for he has become the artist formerly known as alive. May the doves cry purple rain.

Here's what comes after 4/20

Blazing up some good karma for 4/20

A teenager who found Thor's wallet and returned it has been rewarded with a cool US$10,000 (NZ$14,200). When 17-year-old Tristin Budzyn-Baker found Australian actor Chris Hemsworth's wallet he was more than a little surprised. He could have done many things with the star's wallet, packed with cash and all his personal information, but the boy scout chose to do the right thing. Budzyn-Baker went on to appear with Hemsworth on the Ellen DeGeneres Show to tell how he returned the movie star's wallet. Hemsworth said he had been dining with his family in a "pretty rough area"  of Los Angeles when he lost his wallet. "I left my wallet on the table and thought 'I'm never going to get it back, I'm never going to see it again'," Hemsworth said. The boy scout picked the wallet up and was shocked to learn its owner. "I was like mum, do you know who this is? We found Thor's wallet!" Budzyn-Baker said. "We were speechless. We didn't know what to do." Thor or not, I would have banked all the cash and had a huge online spending spree (has to be online or at a retailer with PayWave because I'm not going to know the PIN) to max out the credit cards, because seriously, I need the money if I'm ever going to get off my cousin's couch and into a decent house.

THE BIG REVIEW: Marcus Rashford

Just the man LVG needs to get the Reds back to winning ways.

Here's something for world governments to aim for

Villa stuck at the bottom

Manchester United applied pressure to fourth-placed rivals Manchester City with a 1-0 victory over Aston Villa, courtesy of Marcus Rashford's first-half strike. Louis van Gaal made five changes to the XI that started at West Ham in midweek but the match lacked any real intensity, even if defeat confirmed the Midlanders' inevitable relegation to the Championship. And it's set to get worse - David Moyes is the man Aston Villa want to lead them back to glory after the end of their 28-year run in the top flight was confirmed with the defeat at Manchester United. Following relegation, Moyes has been promised significant funds to take the Midlands club back up at the first attempt having seen the experiments of relatively inexperienced managers Tim Sherwood and Remi Garde backfire dismally. Owner Randy Lerner and his new-look board still have a lot of persuading to do before Moyes decides to make Villa his fifth club after spells with Preston North End, Everton, Manchester United, and Real Sociedad. After what he pulled at Man United, I wouldn't recommend him for a club in the drop zone lest they end up in League One come season's end.

FBI can't has data

Apple is saying no to the government — again. In a legal filing late Friday, the tech giant argued it should not be compelled to aid federal law enforcement officials who seek to extract data from a confessed meth trafficker's iPhone because they have not exhausted all means to bypass the unit's built-in security code. The company's lawyers also contended that the Department of Justice misinterpreted the All Writs Act, the 1789 statute that government lawyers used as the legal basis for asking a Brooklyn federal court to compel Apple's assistance. Apple filed the legal brief in response to the government's appeal of a March ruling in which Brooklyn Magistrate Judge James Orenstein rejected federal prosecutors' application. "The government has utterly failed to satisfy its burden to demonstrate that Apple’s assistance in this case is necessary," Apple said in the 45-page filing. "The government has made no showing that it has exhausted alternative means for extracting data from the iPhone at issue here." But if they found such a means with Syed Farook's iPhone, I'm sure they can do it again without a messy court battle.

It's multiplex not multitext

One of the largest cinema chains in the US is considering letting customers use their mobile phones during films. AMC chief executive Adam Aron said he wanted to encourage so-called millennials to visit the cinema. He told Variety magazine: "You can't tell a 22-year-old to turn off their cellphone. That's not how they live their life." But he said he would have to find a solution that did not disturb other movie-goers. I have one: how about just turning the damn phone off? I grew up in a generation of respect for the rules of common decency, and I know to switch my phone off or at least put it in flight mode for just three hours at the most. We pay good money to be able to watch the latest blockbuster without hearing some disrespectful yob sitting a few seats away talking on their phone like a Trump supporter or an ISIS militant.

The WTF means WTF as in it ain't the weekend yet

So a goat walks into a Starbucks

It sounds like a joke. But it's true. A goat really did walk into a Starbucks. It happened a couple of days ago in Rohnert Park, Calif., when a goat whose name is Millie somehow got away from her home and ambled over to the nearby strip mall. Employees dangled a banana in front of the goat in the hope of apprehending her, but she preferred to chew on a cardboard box, which is a much healthier option than the sugary coffees us humans go to Starbucks for. And a much better Starbucks experience than what happened in yesterday's post.

THE BIG REVIEW: The Cup Label of Death

As if the red cup thing last Christmas wasn't enough, a Florida man received more than he bargained for after ordering a coffee at a Starbucks in St. Augustine, and he is not happy. It wasn't what was inside the cup that upset this Starbucks customer, it was what was written on the coffee cup label: "DIABETES HERE I COME." The customer had ordered a grande (16oz) cup of white mocha, which has 470 calories when it's made with 2-percent milk. A photo of the message on the cup accompanies this post. And what was written on the label hurt the customer on a personal level, for his two sisters suffer from Type 1 diabetes. "That first word just automatically brought the picture of both sisters in my head, and I was taken aback," said the Starbucks customer, who did not wish to be identified. This customer works near the coffee shop and a fellow employee picked up coffees for their staff. His cup had the unusual message, and it hit close to home. "Just the struggles they went through and all the doctor appointments they had," said the customer of his sisters. That is just mean. Sure their drinks may not be the healthiest option out there, but putting such a mean thing on the receipts is totally out of line. None of the Starbucks in New Zealand would do anything as retarded as put customers down over their poor life choices.

Spurs take out the Reds

Tottenham Hotspur scored three times inside six second-half minutes to inflict a 3-0 defeat on Manchester United, leaving the Reds four points shy of the Barclays Premier League top four. Dele Alli, Toby Alderweireld, and Erik Lamela scored the quickfire goals in devastating fashion to secure Spurs' first win over United at White Hart Lane in 15 matches, since a 3-1 triumph in May of 2001. The result means qualification to next season’s UEFA Champions League looks a tall order for Louis van Gaal's men with only six top-flight matches left to play this season. “It is not the weekend we wanted," conceded a disappointed Michael Carrick afterwards. "But there are a few weekends left yet." And in those weekends, they better step it up. Losing will not get you the title.

Smash it your way

A prank caller tricked workers at a US Burger King into smashing the windows of the Minnesota restaurant to keep it from exploding, police said Saturday, mirroring similar deceptions at Burger Kings and other fast-food restaurants in other states in recent months. Police said employees at the restaurant in the Minneapolis suburb of Coon Rapids (which seriously needs to change its name like right now) got the call Friday night from someone claiming to be with the fire department. The caller said the restaurant could explode, so they needed to relieve the pressure. The manager and other employees believed the caller and smashed all the windows on the ground floor. "Officers arrived and found that the manager and employees of the Burger King were smashing out the windows,'' Sgt. Rick Boone told the Star Tribune. "The manager explained they'd received a phone call from a male who identified himself as a fireman who said there were dangerous levels of gas in the building and they had to break out all the windows to keep the building from blowing up.'' This is a stupid and expensive idea for a prank, with repair estimates for similar incidents in other states exceeding US$10,000. And as much as it's making me want to do this, I just hope nobody pulls that crap in New Zealand.

Apologies to all our readers in Brazil

#bellaception

The Brave Little Club That Couldn't has almost done it

Leicester City are on the brink of greatness. Mathematically, they are just four wins away from sealing a totally unprecedented first ever league title, having been rated 5000/1 title longshots and among the favourites for relegation at the season’s start. Seven points clear of Tottenham with six games remaining, 12 more points will give them an unassailable lead, but history suggests they might in fact be closer to the title than that. In the Premier League era, the league leader at this stage of the season has gone on to lift the trophy in 16 out of 23 seasons. Of the seven times they have been overtaken during the run-in, three have been when the second-placed team have had a game in hand, while on another occasion only goal difference had separated the top two. On two of the remaining three occasions that a points difference has been thrown away, that lead was just one point – in 1992/93 when Aston Villa capitulated in a way that even the most cynical fan would not predict of Leicester this year, as well as in 2009/10 when Chelsea caught and toppled Manchester United. This may be Leicester City's year, but hopefully Loser van Gaal gets it together over at Man United and delivers a capable team of the kind that made Sir Alex Ferguson and Matt Busby great.

So a duck walks into a bar

THE BIG REVIEW: Way too much sun

Dunedin residents were among those who awoke to find sweltering temperatures being forecast by the MetService today after a system error on their website and app. At 3.53am it was recorded that the temperature in Dunedin was 118degC and doubled as the expected high for the day. The temperature also displayed on the Otago Daily Times Online, a result of the MetService error. Around 7am, MetService tweeted that the temperatures were displaying an extra first digit and that they should be fixed. Other centres had similarly high temperatures forecast, with Blenheim being recorded at 119degC, Paraparaumu (just north of Wellington) at 218degC, and Auckland at 221degC. The hottest official temperature recorded on Earth's surface was 56.7degC, in Death Valley, California in 1913, so there is no way that temperatures of 118 degrees would be realistic.

Thousandth goal at home takes all the glory

Anthony Martial scored Manchester United's 1,000th Premier League goal at Old Trafford to seal a narrow 1-0 win over Everton on the day when the Sir Bobby Charlton Stand was unveiled. Martial grabbed the decisive strike seven minutes into the second half as he squeezed the ball home from substitute Tim Fosu-Mensah's low cross, as the Reds moved above West Ham United into fifth. Boss Louis van Gaal opted to stick with the same XI that defeated rivals Manchester City before the international break, but did make two changes on the substitutes' bench as Ander Herrera and Ashley Young replaced Adnan Januzaj and the injured Bastian Schweinsteiger. The atmosphere before kick-off at Old Trafford was particularly special, with fans in the Sir Alex Ferguson Stand holding aloft coloured tiles to spell 'Sir Bobby' in one giant mosaic effect, as the South Stand was renamed in the club legend's honour in the 60th year since his United debut. But we all know it's going to take more than a stand renaming to give Man United their first Premier League victory without Sir Alex. It takes season-long consistency over 38 matches, 19 at home and 19 on the road. And that isn't easy for any team, but if other teams can manage Premier League glory without the firm hand of Sir Alex, then I don't see why Man United can't give it a go.

Some dude missed every single number by one

Apple turns 40

Apple Computer Company was founded 40 years ago yesterday, on April Fools’ Day, in Los Altos, California, by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Gerald Wayne. To celebrate its big four-oh — as Microsoft did last year — the company is flying a commemorative pirate flag at its headquarters, 1 Infinite Loop, in Cupertino, a short drive away from Apple’s place of origin. Today, Apple Inc. sells much more than just desktop computers. There are laptops, portable music players, smartphones, tablets, set-top boxes, watches, and myriad accessories, like the elegant Apple Pencil. It is reported to be looking into virtual reality headsets and even a car. Here's a better way for Apple to get into the car market: they have so much money they could buy Ford, General Motors, and Tesla while still having at least 40 billion left over. But will the regulators allow the mass buyout of three big automotive firms? Probably not. But it's worth trying.

This is what I believe in now

All heil the new reich - liners, that is.

Bikejacker gets jacked

The Bellend of the Month for March 2016 is Michael Monigold, a thief who tried to steal an army vet's motorcycle during a high speed police chase in Mesa, Arizona. The veteran, 26-year-old Brandon Jenkins, was pulled up at the traffic lights at Southern Avenue and San Jose, when he was attacked by Monigold, who was fleeing from police. Jenkins, who fought in Afghanistan, was able to wrestle the bike back from Monigold who was forced to return to the white van he had been driving empty handed. But as the suspect drove off, he ran over the vet’s Suzuki GSX 600 motorcycle causing irreparable damage. Now the former soldier has been surprised with a brand new bike, worth anywhere between $9,000 and $12,700, after manufacturer Kawasaki heard about his story. Monigold later crashed his truck on the Interstate 10, forcing the Arizona Department of Transportation to close the road. Monigold has been on the run since March 19 when police found him in east Mesa last Thursday. He took off from officers, leading them on a wild chase which ended when he crashed on the I-10 near milepost 171. He was taken to a hospital for serious but none life-threatening injuries, and is expected to be taken into custody once recovered.

For all those who think that their country has stupid laws

In Thailand, you can't stand on or step over money. In Singapore, you can't buy or sell chewing gum. But those are pretty tame compared to this gem: 

THE BIG REVIEW: Defibrillatorgate

Following the removal of a defibrillator at Bunnings' Dunedin store, claims are being made that the company has insisted on the removal of the devices at two other New Zealand outlets. About three years ago, staff at the Dunedin store fundraised to buy a defibrillator after a co-worker died of a heart condition. Last week the company forced the staff to gift the defibrillator to a community group. Radio New Zealand is reporting that the company also insisted on the removal of a defibrillator at its Nelson store about a month ago, and at its Gisborne store before Christmas, citing claims made by First Union. The union's Nelson organiser, Rachel Boyack, said when staff asked why, they were told it was because of maintenance costs, RNZ said. "They've obviously done some sort of cost-benefit analysis on it at a nationwide level and determined that the small cost to replace the battery every year, and ensure staff have the proper training, isn't worth the benefit of having something like this in the store for their workers and for the public," she said. If that is indeed the case, I'd suggest a boycott would be in order. The money lost through people going to the likes of Mitre 10 for their hardware needs will in time add up.

Shaking up the far south

A 4.5 magnitude earthquake was felt as far afield as Dunedin today. The quake occurred about 4.15pm, was 5km deep, and epicentre was 50km northwest of Wanaka. Reports of the quake being felt as far afield as Kingston (on the southern tip of Lake Wakatipu) and Dunedin were reported on geographical hazard information website GeoNet. St John South Island region communications adviser Ian Henderson said there were no reports of injuries, and no calls to its clinical control centre, resulting from the earthquake. People should always make sure they had emergency kits and other items ready in case of any emergency, and to remain in contact with friends and family, and especially any neighbours who may be elderly or alone, Mr Henderson said. But that wasn't the only jolt the people in blue and gold country were in for today: this morning a 4.2 magnitude earthquake struck, centred on the edge of Lake Te Anau. More than 50 people in towns in and around Queenstown reported feeling the quake, which Geonet described as light. As of this afternoon there had been a total of 60 reports of light shaking and 21 reports of weak shaking on Geonet's website. The quake struck at 9.22am and was centred 30km north of Te Anau, at a depth of 60km. There were two reports of light shaking in Dunedin. I'm sure glad I got out of there in time, and no, I do not plan on returning there anytime soon (maybe except for Christmas). And even if I did, Bunnings would definitely be off the list as a woman whose husband died of a heart attack in a Bunnings store has now become the latest critic of the company's stance to not have defibrillators in its stores. Wellington woman Sharron Gilmore, whose husband Peter died of a heart attack aged 62 in Bunnings Naenae in 2005, made the comments after the company's management "put its foot down'' and forced its Dunedin staff to give the store's defibrillator to a community group. Social club members from Bunnings Dunedin raised $1300 to buy the defibrillator about three years ago, after one of their colleagues died from a heart condition, but the company's management has since called for it to be removed. I got news for you greedy pigs sitting up there in corporate: defibrillators could save lives. They could save yours should you ever have a heart attack in a Bunnings store. But if you don't want them and someone dies, the blood will be on nobody's hands but your own.

Easter is upon us all yet again

And for all you noobs out there who think the long weekend is all about chocolate eggs, here's who it's really about - this man died on the cross so everybody could break God's law and still get into heaven.

Paint it, Cuban

It may have only been rock 'n' roll - but Cubans seemed to like it. That's right, the Rolling Stones have become the first major international rock band to play in Cuba, drawing hundreds of thousands of people to a free concert at a decrepit sports complex on the road to the airport. For years, following the Cuban revolution, rock music was banned on Cuban state TV and radio. Cubans who wore long hair and beards faced harassment from officials, including Fidel Castro who told them to dress like men. No more. "Years ago it was difficult to hear our music but here we are," Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger told the crowd in Spanish. "The times are changing." And as most Cubans only earn about US$20 a month, there was no charge to see the show. Perhaps aware that many of the Cubans attending had not heard much of the band's music, the Stones played many of their most familiar classics like "Paint it, Black," "Sympathy for the Devil," and "Brown Sugar." They were joined by a Cuban choir to sing "You Can't Always Get What You Want." But if you try some time, as it has been proven here, you just might find you'll get what you need, which in this case was another step in the right direction. Those already in America can take yet another step by not voting for Trump this November.

Another great legend joins the angels

Let's void the 'droids

At first glance, it’s easy to see why many people are overlooking the significance of Apple’s new iPhone SE. And no, it's not because of what happened in Brussels. It's because the device doesn’t feature a crazy new form factor nor does it offer up any technologies we haven’t seen before. In fact, the iPhone SE by all accounts is simply an iPhone 5 jam-packed with technologies Apple originally introduced on the iPhone 6s six months ago. Nothing special here, right Wrong. The iPhone SE is not only poised to be Apple’s sleeper hit of the season, it’s just the device Apple needs to breathe a bit of life into slowing iPhone sales. Another model of iPhone 4S could also do the trick. But whatever it takes to put Android out of business, Apple should just go ahead and do it.

Supporting Belgium done right

THE BIG REVIEW: An important announcement

Tomorrow, I move house for the first time in almost 13 years. I will be moving to Christchurch to look for work, as the job search in Dunedin has come up dry. I will be staying with a cousin and his wife until I can get a job and then my own place. But they will need time to get the room ready for me, so I will be staying in a backpackers for two weeks. But how does this affect you guys, I hear you ask? Because starting tomorrow, this blog will be called Disseminators of the Truth: The Nightly Ramblings of a Man of Blue and Gold in a Land of Red and Black.

United unites against City

Manchester United closed the gap on rivals Manchester City to just one point after a crucial 1-0 victory at the Etihad Stadium, courtesy of Marcus Rashford's excellent first-half strike. The Manchester-born striker - making his first appearance in this fixture - produced a moment to savour on 16 minutes, showing an incredible turn of pace to burst into the area and slot the ball past Joe Hart. It was a mature piece of centre-forward play, and one which was ultimately enough to ensure the Reds left the Etihad with all three points and their pride. But it's not over yet - they have to win at least six more games to topple Leicester City, and that's if none of the top five score any more points.

#knowyourheroes #heiltrump

 

Post #2200 is for all those who have departed this week

These are serious facts, people

Rodeos to ride on out

Banning rodeos in New Zealand would end the "inherent cruelty" to animals involved in the events, animal welfare advocates say. Animal welfare organisations presented a petition calling for a ban on rodeos in New Zealand to Parliament on Thursday afternoon. SPCA chief executive Ric Odom said the petition, signed by 63,000 Kiwis, sent a message that New Zealanders did not support rodeo events continuing in the country. Neither do I. When you see animals in the chutes that are prodded with electric prodders, or frothing at the mouth, or trying everything they can to get out of that confined place, that's not good. It would not be OK to chase a puppy on a horse, to rope them around the neck, then throw them on the ground and tie them up, so why do we do this to calves? And it would not be OK to get your cat and twist their neck 180 degrees so they fall to the ground, so why do we do this in steer wrestling? And tying a rope tightly around a horse or bull's balls so it will buck - would you do that to a pet? And what about the people that ride the animals then get seriously hurt when they fall off? It just needs to stop.

Four years for being a jackass

A man who pleaded guilty to shooting his friend in a video stunt involving a bulletproof vest has been sentenced to prison. The Baltimore Sun reports that Mark Ramiro was sentenced to four years after pleading guilty to second-degree murder last year. Prosecutors say Ramiro and his friends intended to shoot a "Jackass"-style video stunt in their Baltimore basement in 2014. His friend, Darnell Mitchell, strapped on a bulletproof vest and instructed Ramiro to shoot him in the chest. Ramiro aimed too high, however, and shot Mitchell in the upper chest. Mitchell later died. Ramiro's attorney, Christopher Flohr, had argued that Ramiro should be spared jail and allowed to continue with a treatment program. Ramiro's full sentence was nine years with five years suspended. It serves him right for not heeding the warnings at the start of each episode. Unless, of course, he were to point the gun at Donald Trump.

THE BIG REVIEW: Our generation

It's soccer ball, not soccer bull

A bull has taken to the field at a junior soccer game in Queensland, charging the young players and sending them running for cover. Ryan Devenish was watching his nephew play in Maryborough on the weekend when the bull started charging. He caught the whole thing on camera, and posted the footage to Facebook, saying: "Things got a little interesting... today." Mr Devenish said he first spotted the bull when it emerged from the bush near where he was standing. "It stared at me and actually had a charge at me for about five feet, and then stopped and turned around and went back in the bush," Mr Devenish said. The soccer field at Federation park in Granville is surrounded by paddocks and bushland and it appears the bull found himself on the wrong side of the fence. Mr Devenish said the bull reappeared during the under 15 game. This is why farmers should keep their livestock fenced in so it doesn't bother others. There is a chance that a player could have died or been seriously hurt. It's a soccer game, not a bullfight or a rodeo.

And one more Yogi to start our seventh year

The final Yogi for 2016 goes to Chris Fawcett, who was smarter than the average father after building a realistic homemade speed camera to stop Stonehenge day-trippers hurtling through his village. He took matters into his own hands after more and more motorists began using local roads as a shortcut to the ancient attraction. Residents say the traffic in Shrewton, Wiltshire, got worse when a redesign of the Stonehenge visitors centre in 2013 saw a key road closed and sat navs started to divert drivers through the 30mph village. Mr Fawcett built a dummy camera from wood but it was burnt down by a mystery vandal. And he took the second down after threats of legal action from Wiltshire Council which said it was on their land and threatened him with legal action. But, undeterred, the 50-year-old has now made a tougher, steel box which even contains a video camera. Mr Fawcett has also attached it to a neighbour’s tree in his street so the council will find it harder to object to. And he said the desire to protect his village had made him want to build a better fake camera despite protests from the council – who he says have not done enough to tackle speeding in the village. We need more of those guys on this planet.

We've made it to 6

And on the topic of numbers, the second Yogi Award for 2016 goes to Joseph Rosenfeld, a 15-year-old high school student who was smarter than the average high-schooler. Rosenfeld was visiting Boston's Museum of Science last June when he uncovered a math error in the golden ratio at a 34-year-old exhibit. He was visiting the museum on a recent family trip when he saw something that appeared wrong with the equation for the golden ratio - part of the exhibit, Mathematica. Rosenfeld, a sophomore at Handley High School, noticed minus signs in the equation where there should have been plus signs. If only Trump was that smart.

A dodgy meme for a dodgy trade deal

This blog turns six tomorrow and as usual, we celebrate with three honourable mentions of those who are smarter than the average. The first of those Yogi Awards will go to all opponents of the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement (yes, even Donald Trump - and that could be his one saving grace).

Flagged for change

Some New Zealanders were allegedly voting more than once in the poll on whether to change the national flag, according to the Electoral Commission. One man bragged on Facebook that he had collected almost 300 voting papers from his neighbours and friends and used the papers to vote for a change to the new design. The commission had asked police to investigate at least four people who said on social media that they used or intended to use other people’s ballots. The offence carries up to two years in prison (during which time they will not be eligible to vote in the local body elections later this year or the general election next year) and a fine of up to NZ$40,000. The vote is between the current flag, which features the four stars of the Southern Cross and the British Union Jack on a navy blue background, and a new design featuring a silver fern and no Union Jack, which some see as a throwback to British colonialism. Preliminary results of the vote are expected on March 24, and I actually like the fern better than a colonial design that has even been mistaken for a Confederate flag.

Dedication to the craft like a boss

THE BIG REVIEW: Meldonium

If Maria Sharapova serves a long ban for her use of the prohibited substance meldonium it could be an ignominious end to a sporting fairytale. Sharapova, a former world No.1 and five-time grand slam winner, is in many ways tennis' golden girl. The 28-year-old is sport's richest woman, having earned nearly $US250 million during her career from endorsements, appearances, and royalties, according to Forbes. She earned $US29.5 million in 2015 alone. Brand Sharapova is a marketable force. She is the most followed female athlete on Facebook, with 15 million fans. Off the court Sharapova started her own lolly brand, Sugarpova, in 2012 and wants to develop the company into a lifestyle brand. She currently has endorsement deals with American Express, Avon, Evian, Head, Nike, Porsche, and Tag Heuer. But it could soon go down the toilet just like what happened with Lance Armstrong. This culture of doping will just continue to ruin one sport after another, if a concussion scandal and domestic violence don't get there first like it did the NFL.

Baggies bag a Red one

Manchester United fell to a narrow and unfortunate 1-0 defeat to West Bromwich Albion at The Hawthorns, after playing for over an hour with 10 men following a Juan Mata red card. United were forced to play for 64 minutes a man down after Mata was shown two yellow cards inside two first-half minutes, the first for failing to retreat 10 yards at a Darren Fletcher free-kick and the second for tripping the same man just moments later. Clear-cut chances were few and far between but, despite the Reds defending resiliently, Salomon Rondon grabbed the decisive goal midway through the second half. This is why the Reds are failing. We need Sir Alex back.

Fire OS burns encryption

Encryption is currently a very hot topic in the tech industry, with Apple facing a legal battle with the FBI. The company is being ordered to create a backdoor to infiltrate encryption on an iPhone used by the shooters in the San Bernardino tragedy. Other big names in tech, including Google, Facebook, and Microsoft, have expressed their support for Apple to stand its ground against the FBI, with the company also gaining the former heads of Homeland Security and the National Security Agency as allies. As such, the move by Amazon to remove device encryption for devices powered by its Fire OS 5 comes at a bad time. Amazon released the Fire OS 5 in the fall of last year, and company spokeswoman Robin Handaly said that Amazon decided to remove certain enterprise features with the rollout of the customized Android operating system because customers were not using the said features. The enterprise features that were mentioned included one that allows users to place their whole device under encryption. If the wrong PIN was attempted on the device for 30 times in a row, all the data stored within the Fire OS 5-powered device would be deleted. This is seriously a feature that iOS and Android should consider a version of.

Sanders is the finger licking best right now

Coffee Monster knows best

LVG for the WIN

A late free-kick from Juan Mata gave Manchester United an important victory over Watford in their latest home game. The midfielder - named captain ahead of the game in the absence of Wayne Rooney, Michael Carrick, and Chris Smalling - stepped up to curl home a delightful effort on 83 minutes to settle a hard-fought contest at Old Trafford. Anthony Martial was named in a youthful starting line-up after recovering from a recent hamstring injury, while in-form striker Marcus Rashford retained his place up front. 21-year-old midfielder Joe Rothwell was named among the substitutes, the latest on a long list of youngsters to appear in a first-team squad this season. Louis van Gaal’s men went into the clash on the back of a confidence-boosting victory over Arsenal, but it was the visitors who started on the front foot, looking early to Troy Deeney and Odion Ighalo. It was United, though, who almost took the lead on seven minutes, as Daley Blind’s cross was sliced towards his own goal by Jose Holebas, but Heurelho Gomes was alert to the danger. The Reds also might have scored when Ander Herrera’s deep cross reached an unmarked Martial at the far post, but the Frenchman couldn’t direct his header on target. But that doesn't matter - what matters is the win.

Donut deny it, people!

THE BIG REVIEW: Awesomenessness like nothing before

I made this one through the form on this website. To order, just scan the QR code at the Create Your Taste kiosk at any participating McDonald's in New Zealand. The ingredients are: 2 ¼-lb beef patties, rasher bacon, crispy bacon, a pineapple ring, Parmesan and Swiss cheese, jalapeños, and BBQ sauce, all on a brioche-style bun. It will be the McTastiest McBurger you've ever had.

And the wait is finally over!

To that end, the co-Bellends of the Month for February 2016 are all you pricks out there who didn't believe he could ever do it. But enough about that because Marcus Rashford scored two goals and set up another as Manchester United secured a dramatic 3-2 victory over Barclays Premier League rivals Arsenal. The young striker repeated his midweek debut heroics, firing United into a 2-0 lead with a double in three first-half minutes, but former Red Danny Welbeck pulled one back five minutes before the break. Rashford was involved again with 25 minutes remaining, teeing up Ander Herrera to add a third, and Mezut Ozil's reply proved in vain for Arsene Wenger's side. Ahead of the game, the Reds were boosted by the news of David De Gea's return to the starting line-up, in one of two changes from the side that beat Midtjylland on Thursday. Marcos Rojo was also named on the teamsheet, having come on as a late substitute against the Danish champions. As expected, both sides were eager to make an early impression and came out of the traps quickly. The first chance was a significant one and fell at the feet of Nacho Monreal, who was found superbly by Ozil on six minutes but couldn't beat De Gea from close range. A few more three-pointers like that and the Reds may soon be on the road to Premiership glory.

And you thought the FBI had no sense of logic

Apple shall overcome

Decryption? Not our future

As expected, Apple has filed a motion to vacate a federal court order that would require it to assist the FBI in unlocking an iPhone linked to San Bernardino terror suspect Syed Rizwan Farook, saying law enforcement demands for a "Government OS" set a dangerous precedent for the public at large. The filing was entered into record earlier today by Apple lawyers Theodore Olson and Theodore Boutrous is comprehensive but expectedly narrow in scope. At its core, Apple's case targets what it portrays as an overly zealous reading of the All Writs Act of 1789 by a federal magistrate judge, bolstered by First Amendment rights concerns and possible undue burden on the company's operations. The way Apple see this, it's not a case about one isolated iPhone. Rather, this case is about the Department of Justice and the FBI seeking through the courts a dangerous power that Congress and the American people have withheld: the ability to force companies like Apple to undermine the basic security and privacy interests of hundreds of millions of individuals around the globe. The government says "Just this once" and/or "Just this phone." But the government knows those statements are not true; indeed the government has filed multiple other applications for similar orders, some of which are pending in other courts. If this order is permitted to stand, it will only be a matter of days before some other prosecutor, in some other important case, before some other judge, seeks a similar order using this case as precedent. Once the floodgates open, they cannot be closed, and the device security that Apple has worked so tirelessly to achieve will be unwound without so much as a congressional vote. And if it succeeds here against Apple, there is no reason why the government could not deploy its new authority to compel other innocent and unrelated third-parties to do its bidding in the name of law enforcement. For example, under the same legal theories advocated by the government here, the government could argue that it should be permitted to force citizens to do all manner of things "necessary" to assist it in enforcing the laws, like compelling a pharmaceutical company against its will to produce drugs needed to carry out a lethal injection in furtherance of a lawfully issued death warrant, or requiring a journalist to plant a false story in order to help lure out a fugitive, or forcing a software company to insert malicious code in its autoupdate process that makes it easier for the government to conduct court-ordered surveillance. Indeed, under the government's formulation, any party whose assistance is deemed "necessary" by the government falls within the ambit of the All Writs Act and can be compelled to do anything the government needs to effectuate a lawful court order. While these sweeping powers might be nice to have from the government's perspective, they simply are not authorized by law and would violate the Constitution. Speaking of which, there is also the issue of Apple's First Amendment right to free speech, or more specifically protections against compelled speech. "The government here is trying to use this statute from 1789 in a way that it has never been used before. They are seeking a court order to compel Apple to write new software, to compel speech," Boutrous said in an interview this week. "It is not appropriate for the government to obtain through the courts what they couldn't get through the legislative process." If Apple's motion is denied, the company is expected to appeal its case to the 9th Circuit Court. I would love to be on the bench when the Supreme Court hears this one.

The iPhone even Apple can't hack

Today may be the 30th anniversary of the ouster of Ferdinand Marcos, but right now, we have something more important to report: Apple engineers have already begun developing security measures that would make it impossible for the government to break into a locked iPhone using methods similar to those at the center of a court fight in California, according to people close to the company and security experts. If Apple succeeds in upgrading its security – and experts say it almost surely will – the company will create a significant technical challenge for law enforcement agencies, even if the Obama administration wins its fight over access to data stored on an iPhone used by one of the killers in last year’s San Bernardino, Calif., rampage. The FBI would then have to find another way to defeat Apple security, setting up a new cycle of court fights and, yet again, more technical fixes by Apple. The only way out of this back-and-forth, experts say, is for Congress to get involved. Federal wiretapping laws require traditional phone carriers to make their data accessible to law enforcement agencies. But tech companies like Apple and Google are not covered, and they have strongly resisted legislation that would place similar requirements on them. “We are in for an arms race unless and until Congress decides to clarify who has what obligations in situations like this,” said Benjamin Wittes, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution. Companies have always searched for software bugs and patched holes to keep their code secure from hackers. But since the revelations of government surveillance made by Edward Snowden, companies have been retooling their products to protect against government intrusion. Apple built its recent operating systems to protect customer information. As its chief executive, Timothy Cook, wrote in a recent letter to customers, “We have even put that data out of our own reach, because we believe the contents of your iPhone are none of our business.” Let's hope the upcoming Galaxy S7 is at least as secure.

No beta, it's pronounced Tokoroa

A Kiwi doctor's desperate call for a young GP in Tokoroa - with the potential to earn $400,000-plus a year - has been answered overnight by doctors from all around the world. The Waikato doctor took to online job sites at the weekend after four medical recruitment firms had been unable to find a suitable candidate over the past two years. Dr Alan Kenny, who said he would even chuck in half his practice for free, said the catch was the job is not in Auckland and comes with a punishing workload. But after the story was broken yesterday, plenty of eager international applicants have come forward. Doctors with a variety of experience from Portugal, Brazil, Argentina, Spain, Greece, Croatia, Cuba, Turkey, Fiji, and a surgeon and doctor from Venezuela, have emailed to express their interest. A student doctor from Ireland said she would be "on the next flight out" if given the job. But remember - the job is not in Auckland and it comes with a punishing workload.

THE BIG REVIEW: Backdoors

Living proof that American authorities have no chill

And what exactly is this supposed to do?

Go Set a Tombstone

Harper Lee, who wrote one of America's most enduring literary classics, "To Kill a Mockingbird," and surprised readers 55 years later with the publication of a second book about the same characters, has died at the age of 89. A statement from Tonja Carter, Lee's attorney in her hometown of Monroeville, Alabama, said Lee had "passed away early this morning in her sleep" and that the death was unexpected. For decades it had appeared that Lee's sole literary output would be "To Kill a Mockingbird" and the July 2015 publication of "Go Set a Watchman" was a surprising and somewhat controversial literary event. In the first book, Atticus Finch was the adored father of the young narrator Scout and a lawyer who nobly but unsuccessfully defended a black man unjustly accused of raping a white woman. But in "Watchman," an older Atticus had racial views that left the grown-up Scout greatly disillusioned. But what is disillusioning right now is that idiots like Donald Trump and Justin Bieber are still alive while all the wrong people are dying.

Fallout no longer falling out with the German authorities

Having been banned in 2009, Bethesda has successfully overturned Fallout 3’s German ban. IGN reported that Bethesda "initiated a difficult and rarely-successful trial" with the Federal Department for Media Harmful to Minors (BPjM) to de-list the title ahead of the end of its statutory ten year sentence. Doing so would have cost it ‘several thousand Euros’ and involved presenting evidence to a delegate of German officials. "In the case of Fallout 3 the request for de-listing was granted even though only seven years passed since the game was banned," the BPjM said. "The Big Council decided at its meeting on February 4th that Fallout 3 will be removed from the list because its content is no longer classified as harmful to minors from today's perspective." The question, of course, is why did Bethesda bother? And the most obvious answer is that it’s planning a re-release for the game, quite possibly on PS4 and Xbox One. When pressed on this question, Bethesda said it would be able to provide an answer “in a couple of weeks”. But Fallout sucks. I grew up in a time when they made real games like Spyro and Crash Bandicoot.

A smartphone for 251 rupees (less than US$4) - this is something for Apple and Samsung to seriously consider

Sure, but what about the life of whoever has to clean it off?

THE BIG REVIEW: Deadpool

Happy Real Valentine's Day, people!

Goals but no glory

Manchester United fell to an agonising 2-1 defeat at the Stadium of Light as a late Lamine Kone header was diverted into his own net by the unfortunate David de Gea. Whabi Khazri opened the scoring for Sunderland with a third-minute free-kick, before Anthony Martial equalised, but United's defence was breached for a second time as Kone's powerful downward header from a corner rebounded off De Gea to send the Reds home pointless. United boss Louis van Gaal made one change to his starting XI as Morgan Schneiderlin replaced Marouane Fellaini, but there was a new and quite aptly-named youngster on the bench with 21-year-old defender Donald Love included in the matchday squad for the first time on this Valentine's weekend trip to Wearside. Will Keane was also among the seven substitutes as a reward for his recent fine form in the Under-21s. But it takes more than just fine form to win matches - it takes goals and lots of them.

Just one day to go, people

Internet Archive becomes 3.Fun

For retro gaming fans, the Internet Archive is the gift that keeps on giving. Last year, the Archive started hosting thousands of DOS classics, all playable in the web browser. On Wednesday, the Archive opened up its digital doors to Windows 3.1. Yes, '90s kids, this means that you too can now spend copious amounts of time playing Ski Free, Pipe Dream, and Wheel of Fortune: Deluxe Edition in your favorite web browser. More than 1,000 Windows 3.1 games are available. The search functionality for the archive isn't great — mostly because many of the games are named based on the filename and not the game name, but it's easy to browse and peruse some of your favorites. Nearly 300 utilities and business apps are available in the browser too. But I'm more excited about the upcoming Crash Bandicoot game on PS4. Don't screw us, Sony.

Crashing his way onto the PS4 (I hope)

The last time he was in the hands of its original creator, Naughty Dog, was in 1999 with Crash Team Racing. He’s been in a few other hands since then, published by Activision and developed by companies like Radical Entertainment. Now, Sony seems to be teasing some sort of return for the anthropomorphic bandicoot. Is this little more than a community manager gone rogue? Or, is Sony really starting to hype the world for the return of Crash Bandicoot? Since Crash is currently published by Activision, maybe we’re looking at some sort of remaster for the originals before a proper new entry. If Naughty Dog is set to take a break from the likes of Uncharted and The Last of Us in favor of making a brand new Crash game, I might lose my mind. In fact, Insomniac should take a break from Ratchet and Clank and Sunset Overdrive because the world needs a brand new Spyro game (Skylanders doesn't count).

Straight Outta Life

A 1-year-old girl lying in her crib has been fatally shot by a gunman who opened fire outside her family's house in Compton. Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department officials said the gunman got out of a car, walked up to the residence, and fired in the direction of a converted garage where Autumn Johnson, who had just celebrated her birthday last week, lived with her parents. One witness, who declined to give her full name, described hearing several gunshots followed by a woman screaming: “They shot my baby. They shot my baby.” The witness said she called 911 before walking outside, where she saw the baby's sobbing father emerge from the garage with his daughter in his arms. “Someone take my baby to the hospital,” the father said. Deputies who responded to the home near Holly Avenue and San Marcus Street took Autumn to St. Francis Medical Center in Lynwood in their patrol car, Los Angeles County Sheriff's Sgt. Ulysses Cruz said. She was pronounced dead at the hospital. Come on. She was only one. What if that was your kid?

THE BIG REVIEW: Pro wrestling

It may be fake, but the injuries are real.

Reds draw Blues

Manchester United secured an entertaining 1-1 draw at Stamford Bridge, although one point could easily have been three for Louis van Gaal's unfortunate Reds. Jesse Lingard scored the biggest goal of his flourishing career with a superb effort that flew past the impressive Thibaut Courtois, but a potential victory was cruelly taken away by Diego Costa's 91st-minute leveller for Chelsea. The result leaves United fifth in the Barclays Premier League and six points behind fourth-placed Manchester City, yet the spirit that underpinned this performance suggests progress can be made. That can be started by putting the ball in the back of the net while stopping the opposition from doing the same.

Roundabout, Inception Style

CAUTION: Machine-translated menu follows

The one on the bottom is supposed to be jerk chicken.

I believe it's pronounced Luigi

Wikileaker to Wikileak himself out at long last

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange will leave the Ecuadorian embassy in London, where he took refuge in June 2012 to avoid extradition to Sweden, and accept arrest on Friday if a UN panel investigating his case rules against him, he said in a statement. Assange is wanted in Sweden for questioning over allegations of rape in 2010 which the Australian denies. "Should the U.N. announce tomorrow that I have lost my case against the United Kingdom and Sweden, I shall exit the embassy at noon on Friday to accept arrest by British police as there is no meaningful prospect of further appeal," Assange said in the statement posted on the Wikileaks Twitter account. "However, should I prevail and the state parties be found to have acted unlawfully, I expect the immediate return of my passport and the termination of further attempts to arrest me." Assange fears Sweden will extradite him to the United States, where he could be put on trial over WikiLeaks' publication of classified military and diplomatic documents, one of the largest information leaks in U.S. history. The U.N. Working Group on Arbitrary Detention is currently considering a request for relief by Assange, who argued in a submission that his time in the embassy constituted arbitrary detention. Assange argued that he had been deprived of his fundamental liberties, including lack of access to sunlight or fresh air, adequate medical facilities, as well as legal and procedural insecurity, not to mention all the taxpayer pounds spent on the siege. He should stay in there for as long as it takes for the British and Swedish authorities to buckle.

Another three goals, another three points

The current crop of Manchester United players scored three goals the Busby Babes would have been proud of as the Reds sealed an impressive 3-0 win over visitors Stoke City. On a night when the club remembered the Munich Air Disaster of 1958 with various tributes, Louis van Gaal's men - wearing black armbands - produced a suitably exciting performance. A couple of fine first-half finishes, from Jesse Lingard and Anthony Martial, put United in the driving seat at the break, before Wayne Rooney added an excellent third soon after the restart and edged just five goals behind Sir Bobby Charlton’s long-standing club record. But it takes more than just breaking goal records to make a great team - it takes putting the ball in the back of the net, and there seems to be a lot of that recently.

THE BIG REVIEW: Sevens in Dunedin

Southern rugby fans are smelling blood after seeing the half empty stands at the Wellington Sevens. They believe the tournament could get a new lease of life in Dunedin and their campaign has come at just the right time. One particular group of Otago rugby fans are mad about their sport, following the Highlanders all the way to last year's Super Rugby final. They've also enjoyed the festivities at the Wellington Sevens, but reckon it's time for a change. "Landers Army invaded the capital for the Super 15 final -- obviously took the treats up there, and you know now we want to take their event, the Sevens," fan Andrew James says. Once a massive party weekend in the capital, crowds for the tournament have fallen steadily in recent years. Sevens fan and "Bring the 7s to Dunedin" founder Hamish Walker believes moving it south could help reinvigorate the event. I agree - when you look at it, Dunedin's a huge rugby city. Lots and lots of rugby supporters, a lot of students - we've got all the fun happening with all the students. And we've got the perfect stadium. Wellington already has the southernmost of the tournaments, but it can be brought further south, even if just to Christchurch.

2016 so far... but there's still 11 months to go