It'll be all light on the night

The Bellend of the Month for October 2016 is this excessive display of unnecessary lights, which is currently under construction on an intersection in Christchurch that has seen zero accidents over the years:

But now that the trick or treaters are descending upon us to rot their teeth with sugary snacks, let's reflect on what this time of year really symbolises:

Burnley not burnt at goals

Frustration was the overriding feeling as Manchester United were held to a goalless draw by Burnley at Old Trafford. The Reds, who were the dominant force throughout, came up against former Academy graduate Tom Heaton in fine form in the Clarets goal, and were left to rue a host of missed chances as Zlatan Ibrahimovic hit the crossbar and captain Juan Mata struck a post. Ander Herrera was sent off midway through the second half for a second bookable offence as Jose Mourinho’s men, who drew a blank for the third successive Premier League game, were denied a first league victory in four games in front of a sell-out crowd at the Theatre of Dreams. But seriously, Ferguson was what the Reds needed all along.

Listen to Einstein and vote for Jill Stein

Get a spine, don't mock Stein

Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein labeled accusations of her links to Wall Street, coal, and the pharmaceutical industry as “a blatant smear attack” following an article in The Daily Beast that labeled her investments a conflict of interest. “This disingenuous shaming exercise is an effort to silence dissent, and a blunt attempt to bully people into refraining from exercising their democratic rights to free speech and political action,” Stein said via her website. Referencing Stein’s 2016 financial disclosure form and a 2015 federal tax return, the article claimed that Stein and her husband profited from funds with investments in corporations such as Exxon, Chevron, JP Morgan Chase, and Pfizer. The presidential candidate said that she had no control over the decision making of her investment funds and has “taken steps to divest from the worst of these holdings,” adding the investments were a “far cry from the Clintons’ backroom fundraising” and the “predatory economics” of Republican candidate Donald Trump. I may not be able to vote on account of me being from New Zealand, but if you are eligible to vote in the election, PLEASE don't vote for Trump or Clinton. Jill Stein and Ajamu Baraka are the only President and VP pair that can be trusted.

Bee aware, people

THE MIDWEEK REVIEW: The Dakota Access Pipeline

#HonortheTreaties #NoDAPL

15 years ago, an OS was born

Situation Normal, All Foured Up

It proved to be a Stamford Bridge return for Jose Mourinho to forget as the Reds boss saw his Manchester United side beaten 4-0 by former team Chelsea. The hosts netted the fastest goal of the Premier League season, after just 30 seconds, through Pedro who made the most of a defensive mix-up and slotted home. Gary Cahill fired a second on 22 minutes from a corner, before Eden Hazard added a third just after the hour-mark by finishing off a neat move from Chelsea. N’Golo Kante completed the scoring with a fine solo effort after 70 minutes on a really disappointing day for the Reds. It was a day to forget for the Reds, despite an impressively vocal backing from the away fans, but another big game lies right around the corner with a Manchester derby to come next, on Wednesday in the EFL Cup.

Paper by Siri

A University of Canterbury researcher's paper on nuclear physics, written entirely by iOS auto-complete, has been accepted by a US conference. Associate Professor Christoph Bartneck explained the strange turn of events in a blog post. On Thursday, Bartneck received an invitation from the International Conference on Atomic and Nuclear Physics to submit a paper. "Since I have practically no knowledge of Nuclear Physics I resorted to iOS auto-complete function to help me writing the paper," he explained. Bartneck, whose background is in Industrial Design and Human-Computer Interaction, started sentences for the paper using words linked to the field like "atomic" and "nuclear" and let the operating system's auto-complete function do the rest. "The text really does not make any sense." Bartneck also added an illustration on nuclear physics from Wikipedia, a few references, and created a fake identity for himself - Iris Pear (inspired by Apple's Siri). He submitted the paper (entitled Atomic Energy will have been made available to a single source) to the conference organisers and Americans being the stupid nutjobs they are, it was accepted within three hours. Automatically generating scientific articles had become easy with special dedicated software, Bartneck said. But this was a whole new ballgame. "I know that iOS is a pretty good software, but reaching tenure has never been this close." To give you an idea of just how nonsensical the finished product was, the abstract reads like so:

• Atomic Physics and I shall not have the same problem with a separate section for a very long long way. Nuclear weapons will not have to come out the same day after a long time of the year he added the two sides will have the two leaders to take the same way to bring up to their long ways of the same as they will have been a good place for a good time at home the united front and she is a great place for a good time. The atoms of a better universe will have the right for the same as you are the way we shall have to be a great place for a great time to enjoy the day you are a wonderful person to your great time to take the fun and take a great time and enjoy the great day you will be a wonderful time for your parents and kids. Molecular diagnostics will have been available for the rest by a single day and a good day to the rest have a wonderful time and aggravation for the rest day at home time for the two of us will have a great place for the rest to be great for you tomorrow and tomorrow after all and I am a very happy boy to the great day and I hope he is wonderful. Nevertheless I have to go back home to nuclear power to the united way she is to be the first woman united to work on their own and the rest will be the same way as she will have to come back to work and we are still not the way we shall have the united side and we are not the same way she is the way she said the same as she was a good time. Physics are great but the way it does it makes you want a good book and I will pick it to the same time I am just a little more than I can play for later and then it is very very good for a good game. Nuclear energy is not a nuclear nuclear power to the nuclear nuclear program he added and the nuclear nuclear program is a good united state of the nuclear nuclear power program and the united way nuclear nuclear program nuclear. Scientist and I have been very good to me today I hope I have to work on tomorrow after work today so far but I'm still going for tomorrow night at work today but I'm not going home said I am a good friend and a great time for the rest I have been doing. Physics are great but the same as you have been able and the same way to get the rest to your parents. Atoms for a play of the same as you can do with a great time to take the rest to your parents or you will be nucleus a great time for a great place. Power is not a great place for a good time.

If you want to see how that was possible, click here. But now, his paper has been accepted for the oral presentations and he has been invited to register to secure his place. The conference is set to be held in Atlanta, Georgia on November 17 and 18 (the week after either of the two worst candidates in history makes it to the White House).

Purplest of tunes to be released from beyond the grave

Warner Bros Records is about to unveil two projects by the late megastar Prince that include previously unreleased material. Prince 4Ever is a 40-song compilation of his biggest hits from his Warner Bros days along with the previously unreleased song Moonbeam Levels, recorded in 1982. It's due in US stores on November 22 and will feature a booklet with new Prince photos shot by photographer Herb Ritts. Warner Bros also says the Purple Rain deluxe reissue will come early next year. It will feature a second album of unreleased songs. Meanwhile, a US judge has said he'll try to rule quickly on whether Minnesota state law entitles a purported niece, grandniece, and nephew of Prince to press their claims to shares in the late rock superstar's estate. Lawyers for Prince's siblings said that the purported family members' claims should be rejected because they're not Prince's blood relatives, which they argued is required under a 2010 rewrite of the state's probate code. But lawyers for the would-be heirs cited a 2003 Minnesota Supreme Court decision, which they said is still valid, in arguing they don't need a genetic link. But Moonbeam Levels better not suck.

Cute food for thought

The latest food trend to come out of Hong Kong is so adorable, it's been named just that: "adorable eats". The Asian culinary city is taking everyday foods and like sushi and steamed pork buns and turning them into cute works of art. Pork buns are being stained with the shape of a panda, while dumplings are shaped to look like swimming fish, aliens, or cartoon characters. Adorable eats have become so popular in Hong Kong that there will be a dedicated section for the trend at the Hong Kong Wine and Dine Festival next week. It's already huge on social media, particularly on Instagram. But just like with Pokemon Go, I'm staying out of this one.

Trophy trip-up at Customs

After three weeks of haggling with New Zealand Customs officials, three Dunedin chefs have finally received the trophies and medals they won at a South Pacific culinary competition in Australia last month. Greg Piner and Fifi Leong, both of restaurant Vault 21, and Ken O'Connell, of Bracken, won The Battle of the Pacific title, during a three-day fine foods trade event in Melbourne in mid-September. However, the trio were shocked when they returned to New Zealand, to find the Customs Service wanted them to pay $180 for the release of the package containing the trophy and medals. "They said there was an excise on all trophies and awards, except the Melbourne Cup and the Bledisloe Cup, but there is no monetary value on them. We won them in a competition representing New Zealand, and it's just bizarre," Mr O'Connell said, adding Customs was adamant there is no way they could release the awards until the fee was paid. New Zealand Customs Service external relations manager Helen Keyes said trophies and medals won overseas in a competition were usually exempt of GST, and the comment about the only cups that are duty free coming into New Zealand are the Bledisloe and Melbourne Cup was incorrect. "In this case, it appears that the shipping company has declared the goods as trophies without indicating that they have been won in a competition. This has triggered the standard charges for imported goods," Ms Keyes said, adding Customs was not contacted by the importer or the shipping company. Since learning of the incident, New Zealand Customs had contacted the shipping company to obtain more details of the consignment. As a result, Customs had waived the $127.84 assessed as payable to Customs ($78.64 GST and $49.20 transaction fee), which shouldn't have been assessed in the first place.

THE MIDWEEK REVIEW: The only worthy candidate this time round

Reds have scoreless tie as Mindy turns 65

Today may be Pam Dawber's 65th birthday, but I have found something better to celebrate - the Reds not losing. But they still should have won. Instead, Jose Mourinho’s first taste of Manchester United’s historic rivalry with Liverpool ended with a goalless draw at Anfield, where two world-class saves from David De Gea proved pivotal. Monday night’s match was largely an even contest throughout with the teams fashioning a few chances to score, particularly in the livelier second half when De Gea's athletic ability enabled him to deny Emre Can and Philippe Coutinho with astonishing acts of goalkeeping. It was United’s first match at Anfield since the new Main Stand had opened earlier this term and the increased attendance contributed to a particularly rousing rendition of the club anthem You’ll Never Walk Alone. A frenzied atmosphere sound-tracked the opening exchanges, too, particularly when the home fans protested the referee’s decision not to caution Marcus Rashford for an early foul on James Milner.

#knowyourpurple

Get a spine, vote Jill Stein

It's the end of the road for the first ever monarch born in the US

It costs more per loaf to buy 3 than 2

Big Oil are scum

THE MIDWEEK REVIEW: Climate change is real

Too bad there aren't any Oscars on offer for that - not that he needs any more.

That goes for you too, Drumpf

WADA set to become a bigger brother

With the Russian doping scandal still roiling international sports and dividing its leaders, Olympic officials met in Switzerland on Saturday to discuss overhauling the world’s antidoping system. They emerged with a plan to increase the power of the World Anti-Doping Agency, affirming that organization’s central role in the fight against cheating. After a four-hour, closed-door meeting with some 20 sports officials, Thomas Bach, the president of the International Olympic Committee, announced the creation of a new drug-testing authority to operate under WADA and handle doping control at the Games — a responsibility that has long rested with the IOC. Surprising some antidoping officials who worried WADA would become a scapegoat, Mr. Bach expressed broad support for the agency, the 17-year-old regulator of drugs in sports. Mr. Bach called for WADA to be fortified but deferred to the agency itself on specifics, including how much more money it would need to carry out its expanded mandate. WADA is expected to take up the topic at executive meetings next month, and IOC officials will most likely review the decisions in December. But whatever happens, there better not be a repeat of that crap at Pyeongchang or Tokyo.

#ToothsticeForAssange

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is still in need of a new tooth, but the United Kingdom won’t let him get one. After a "domiciliary dental emergency appointment" in July of last year, Assange, locked up in the Ecuadorean embassy in London for fear of extradition to the U.S., the dentist recommended that Assange be allowed to leave the complex for a more serious operation of his premolar tooth. Fifteen months later, Assange is still in pain since the UK continues to deny him medical treatment. The dental records were part of a package of his medical and psycho-social assessments published by WikiLeaks ahead of a ruling in Sweden on his arrest warrant to show that his arrest is arbitrary and a violation of his rights, as the United Nations ruled in February. Sweden decided last month to uphold the arrest warrant for allegations of rape, prolonging the legal standoff that has kept him in the London embassy for over four years. A rotting tooth is just one of the side effects of his isolation and testament to the UK’s refusal to deliver appropriate treatment without arresting him. All that money spent on a 24/7 police guard could be spent on appropriate dental treatment thousands of times over.

In honour of the most lopsided football match of all time

This picture is gold

Either way, someone or something is screwed

Who the True Terrorists Are

THE BIG REVIEW: Courage

One point apiece in the continuing fall

Manchester United were denied a fourth straight win in all competitions on a frustrating afternoon at Old Trafford, as Stoke City struck late on to secure a point. Anthony Martial, on as a second-half substitute, curled home beautifully from 12 yards for his first goal of the season to give the Reds the lead in the 69th minute. But, with eight minutes remaining, Joe Allen scored from close range to earn Mark Hughes' side their first-ever Premier League point at the Theatre of Dreams. But it'll take more than just one point to get them the title. I hope Mourinho can pull it off.

Don't even try sending him back to India

Anne-ception

Baby Got Punch

The Bellend of the Month for September 2016 is David Hardy, who approached five-day-old Elsie Temple as she lay in her carry cot inside a shopping trolley then thumped her as the youngster's mother Amy Duckers looked on in horror. The baby was left extremely upset by the incident and was taken to hospital with a red mark to her face. She was kept in for seven hours before being allowed home. Hardy, from Greater Manchester, was later arrested but claimed he thought Elise was a toy and didn't realise she was an actual child. But I still wouldn't have punched her even if it was in fact a doll.

The world just got even lazier

Heil YouTube

THE BIG REVIEW: Women's rights versus gun rights

The #trumpalert is strong in this one

We beat the champions, my friends...

Manchester United returned to winning ways in the Premier League in emphatic style after four first-half goals led to the Reds beating champions Leicester City 4-1 at Old Trafford. Chris Smalling headed United into a 22nd-minute lead following a Daley Blind corner, before Juan Mata doubled the Reds' tally on 37 minutes. Two further Blind corners were met by Mata, who found Marcus Rashford for the third strike, and then Paul Pogba who made it 4-0 three minutes before the break with his first senior goal for the club. Demarai Gray pulled one back for the visitors with a stunning strike 14 minutes into the second half, but it turned out to be a mere consolation as United came away with the much-needed three points. And they still need to keep on fighting 'til the end if they want their 14th Premiership title.

Just Banksy being Banksy

It was bound to happen someday

Best Korea doesn't have best internet

On Monday afternoon, a security engineer named Matt Bryant stumbled upon a part of the Internet that is usually hidden from most of the world: a list of websites available to people with Internet access in North Korea. The total number of sites was just 28. Bryant's list includes every site ending in .kp, which is the country code associated with North Korea. About 149.9 million websites end in country codes, such .de for Germany or .cn for China. More than 10 million sites end in .cn, according to the most recent report by the domain name registry Verisign. And although it appears the North Korean Internet is not a very big place, it is not the only network available to those who do have access to connected computers north of the DMZ. According to the blog North Korea Tech, the country has an intranet called Kwangmyong, reportedly connected by fiber optic cables, available only within the country's borders. The blog, run by journalist Martyn Williams of IDG News, has reported that Kwangmyong connects libraries and universities in North Korea, citing Facebook posts by people inside North Korea and posters about the intranet seen by foreign journalists reporting from the country. Because the intranet is physically connected only within the country's borders, the blog says it is impossible for the rest of the world to hack into, or for people connected to Kwangmyong to overcome its censorship. And speaking of overcome, there are now several generic alternatives to the EpiPen now on the market, many for less than 10% of the new price. So think before you decide to raise prices on life-saving medication.

Who is buying this 13 star signs crap?

THE BIG REVIEW: Prayer - it doesn't work

Reds fall again

Substitute Juan Camilo Zuniga made a decisive impact as Watford earned a 3-1 triumph against Manchester United at Vicarage Road. The South American put the hosts 2-1 in front with seven minutes left with his first touch of the game and, in the closing seconds, earned a penalty after being felled by Marouane Fellaini - which was converted by Troy Deeney. The Reds had battled back through Marcus Rashford's leveller after falling behind to a controversial opener by Etienne Capoue in the first half but return north disappointed on a day when nothing seemed to go right. And speaking of right, I don't know if either Trump or Clinton are the right person to replace Obama. #jillb4hill #steinbaraka2016

At least Curie didn't get all in our faces with her discoveries

Seriously, Apple, increasing the size is enough

The best of this year's bunch

Exploding galaxies! More exploding Galaxies!

Samsung has an exploding phone problem, and it isn't just the Galaxy Note 7, or so claims a California man in a lawsuit filed in federal court in New Jersey last week. Daniel Ramirez says a Galaxy S7 Edge badly burned his right leg when it burst into flames in late May. Ramirez, who was working a construction job in Akron, Ohio, says he "heard a whistling and screeching sound and noticed his (right-front) pocket vibrating and moving around, as well as thick smoke ascending from his pocket," according to the 19-page suit. The Tracy, Calif., resident said he suffered second- and third-degree burns to his right upper leg and right thumb and index finger when the handset ignited his pants and "melted" them to his leg. Ramirez is seeking more than US$15,000 in compensatory and punitive damages. It's unclear what caused the handset to ignite but it could be related to the phone's battery, the root of problems with the Galaxy Note 7, says Michael Morgan, a Florida lawyer representing Ramirez. Morgan said he was aware of a similar case involving another Samsung phone. This is why I'm sticking with my iPhone 4S, which I've had since it came out in 2011. But truth time - I do have a Galaxy, but it's an S4 that I found on a bus in December and just claimed for myself. I don't use it at the moment because the charger port has since stopped working (a common complaint with this particular model) and I can't afford to get it fixed. Those who hate the iPhone 7 will be pleased to know that both phones have a headphone jack.

It's getting hot in herre, so pay off all his debt

Nelly's in some pretty big financial trouble. On Sunday, news broke that the rapper was slapped with a $2,412,283 federal tax lien back in August, and since the songsmith owes so much, the IRS could claim some of his assets and property! The 41-year-old apparently also owes $149,511 in Missouri state taxes from 2013, so that means the artist is looking at over US$2.5 MILLION in debt! And while sources say the hitmaker is working with tax authorities to settle this money mess, his fans are also doing their part to help. On Monday, SPIN did the math, and realized that Nelly needs 287,176,547 streams to pay what he owes. So, plenty of people flocked to Twitter to get the masses to #SaveNelly, posting:
*Nelly needs help* Me:IM COMING NELLY! #SaveNelly pic.twitter.com/PUyWcJH6VW — Glowing Keyblade (@Tinytay19) September 13, 2016
Nelly gave us hits for the middle school dances. We owe him #SaveNelly — Daniel (@theyhatedr) September 12, 2016
Because college was so lit. #SaveNelly pic.twitter.com/9qCF8Ci2Vu — RinaTurnDown (@DaHoneyDipTX) September 12, 2016
We might not be able to save the country from Trump but we can #SaveNelly. — B! J! STEINER!!! (@DocZeus) September 12, 2016
#SaveNelly That man was in the longest yard, i gotta help him out https://t.co/JWCVqGJWOx — E F R 🌐 (@AnotherRuffian) September 13, 2016
pro tip: turn your phone to mute and put on "hot in herre" while you sleep tonight. 7 hours sleep = 110 plays #hotinherrestreamingparty — jim jar-jarmusch (@bergmansbro) September 13, 2016
who didn't wear a headband plus a band-aid on the cheek in junior high? we got you bro #SaveNelly — penjani (@penjanigucci) September 13, 2016
Say no more #SaveNelly pic.twitter.com/NFEmm3hx5c — WSHH FANS (@WORIDSTARHIPH0P) September 13, 2016
I'm over here trying to pay Nelly's IRS bill while my bills continue to stack. Don't ever call me selfish. #SaveNelly — Deandre Moore (@IAmDeandreMoore) September 13, 2016
I turned on Hot in Herre on @AppleMusic and will leave it on repeat for the rest of the night. Join me #SaveNelly — Martenzie Johnson (@Martenzie) September 12, 2016

Plus, a lot of people want to make up for Harambe the gorilla's death by getting Nelly out of debt:
I couldn't save Harambe but goddamnit I'm saving you @Nelly_Mo #SaveNelly pic.twitter.com/wzFOHOCVZo — (@SadderDre) September 13, 2016
We let Harambe down. As a society we should refuse to let Nelly down — arjun (@funwithjun) September 13, 2016
Y'all got my mans Harambe, you won't get Nelly too!! https://t.co/UdXzDPjv3k — The Most Lit (@RashadStark) September 13, 2016
We have to get Nelly out of debt. Harambe died for this. https://t.co/UCwzeyLbwK — Zac (@zacattac) September 13, 2016
Stream Hot in Herre on a loop to help Nelly pay off his IRS debt! It's what the #ClintonBodyDouble and #Harambe would want — Gwen Clarke (@GwenCIarke) September 13, 2016

Are YOU going to help #SaveNelly from debt?! Personally, I won't because I feel he should have prepared for his tax debt while his music was in.

THE BIG REVIEW: Why 9/11 really happened

Stupid will never die

City ruins unbeaten run on derby day

Manchester City took the spoils in the 172nd derby after withstanding Manchester United’s valiant attempt to battle back from two goals down in an absorbing clash at Old Trafford. Kevin De Bruyne and Kelechi Iheanacho had given the Blues a two-goal lead in a first half that they dominated, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s super strike just before the break – his fourth in his first four league games – changed the momentum of the contest. United were much the better team in the second period but, despite battering on debutant goalkeeper Claudio Bravo’s door, the equaliser would not come and it was the blue half of Manchester who took the bragging rights. With both sides going into the game with 100 per cent Premier League records so far, the atmosphere before kick-off was unsurprisingly electric. But though Paul Pogba curled an early shot just over from 20 yards after a lightning break, it was City who bossed the rest of the half. But Mourinho can still redeem himself - it's overall performance that wins the Premiership, not just one game like in the FA Cup.

Daylight come and the button don't go home

The home button on the iPhone has so many different essential functions that Apple can’t just remove it. But starting with the iPhone 7, the home button is changing. It’s no longer a physical button. Instead, it’s a capacitive button that gives you the impression that you’re pressing a regular button with the help of a new Taptic Engine. That means the home button will retain almost all its features, and it’ll even gain some new ones. However, it also means a crucial iPhone feature is changing this year. When all else fails with an iOS device, you can force a reboot by holding down two buttons simultaneously. The power/standby button and the home button. However, starting with the iPhone 7, that particular combination will no longer work. It’s likely that the iPhone needs to be turned on so that the new home button works as intended. If a phone is frozen, it won’t recognize home button presses so the old combo simply isn’t possible. So what does one do now? Apple is replacing this gesture with a different one: You’ll have to hold the power/standby button and the volume down button simultaneously to force a reboot, or to put the iPhone 7 in DFU mode. That said, the home button on the iPhone 7 still retains the same features you expect it from it, including Touch ID, Apple Pay, Siri, multitasking, and Reachability. The home button can also still be used to get out of apps and return to the home screen, and can be used to take a screenshot. It will be customized to support other actions in the future as well, but Apple has yet to detail them. To take a screenshot, you’ll still have to press the power/standby button and the home button at the same time, just like you do now. The difference between taking screenshots and rebooting is that the iPhone is powered on while you’re grabbing a screen. But that's not why I'm staying with my 4S. Here's why: the price tag and the lack of headphone jack. Also, planned obsolescence. It's how Apple make money. But they make a damn good phone in the process.

To boldly go where no franchise has gone before

There is such a thing as too far and Apple just went there

In Loving Memory

TRS HEADPHONE JACK

1964-2016

But Apple can still go further:

China not feeling the iLove this time round

Judging by the volume of online chatter, there’s a lot less buzz in China ahead of this week’s expected launch of the new Apple iPhone, and people on the street say they’re more likely to “wait and see” what the latest device offers than rush out to buy. Posts on China‘s popular Sina Weibo microblogging site show the iPhone 6, which took China by storm in 2014 with its new, larger screen, attracted around 15 times more comments in the month before launch than this year’s model. The muted online anticipation for the iPhone 7 underlines the challenge Apple faces to revive growth in China, where an economic slowdown has slammed the brakes on what was once touted as the firm’s next big growth engine. I have an idea: how about not putting out a new model each year?

THE BIG REVIEW: The differences between rugby and soccer

Good luck trying to find the studio they taped it at

This man is why stingrays need to go - 44 is too soon to die

It won't stop the police brutality though

Android no more?

On the face of it, Android seems like a very successful platform. It's the operating system that powers 85 percent of the new smartphones shipped, and, along with iOS, has decisively crushed the competition. But Android is also plagued by dogged problems that Google can't seem to solve. First off, there's the issue of fragmentation, which means that developers have to create software that will work reliably on many hundreds of different devices from dozens of manufacturers. Sure, developers could just focus on devices from the big players - and some, such as Salesforce, are already doing just that - but that defeats the purpose of having a platform in the first place. Then, there's the update problem. Google has a yearly release schedule in place for Android, but it takes the new version a good part of a year to break the 10-percent usage mark. And it takes about four years for a release to fully penetrate the ecosystem. Four years is a crazy long time in tech, and while Google is speedy at getting new releases onto its Nexus hardware, it can take months for owners of Android devices from other manufacturers to start seeing the update. And many never see the update. In fact, outside of buying a Nexus device, the easiest way to get your hands on a new Android release is to buy a new device. And you wonder why Android smartphone sales are so buoyant. So, dominant market share aside, it's clear that Android has suffered from some extremely severe problems. Many of the problems facing Android come down to it being open source. Android is all about being open, which means that once Google has released a new version, the OEMs and carriers are free to tinker with it to their hearts' content. That then results in both the fragmentation (OEMs loading the code onto any and every device form factor they can think of), and the problems with updates (Google can't push Android direct to devices because heavens knows what modifications and tinkering have been done, both cosmetic and structural, to the code). Another problem with Android is that it's based on Linux, and Linux is both old and plagued by legal issues. The Linux kernel was never designed for smartphones and IoT devices, and yet here we are shoe-horning it onto these devices. Sure, the kernel's been furiously tweaked, but tweaking can only go so far, especially when you're trying to optimize power consumption or when a platform that can run in real-time is required (the Linux kernel isn't real-time and instead uses a scheduler). Also, all that legacy code is the perfect breeding ground for bugs and vulnerabilities. The legal issues, specifically intellectual property licensing issues, are a real thorn in the side for those making Android devices. Companies such as Microsoft pulling in billions of dollars in licensing fees from Android hardware OEMs, which eats into the already razor-thin profit margins. A totally new, built from the ground-up platform could free OEMs from being shackled to expensive patent licensing deals. And Google is working on new platforms. Take, for example, Project Fuchsia. Sure, it's early days, but it's clear that Google is looking to an era beyond the Linux kernel, and the end of the Linux kernel ultimately means the end of Android. This operating system not only could be built from the ground up so as to be optimized for today's devices, but it would also be free from IP headaches. It could also be modular in nature allowing for it to be customized for different applications - from the desktop and laptops to smartphones and even small IoT devices. It would be a truly unified platform. Google could license this platform to hardware developers, as opposed to using the open source model. Licensing would give Google greater control over the hardware that Android was loaded onto. No more junk that can barely run the OS. No more devices being launched running years-old releases with no hope of an update. This would truly be a platform for the 21st century. Don't expect this to happen anytime soon, as operating systems take time to develop. But equally, don't think that Android is going to be around forever. Android has some serious shortcomings that Google is well aware of, and the fact that it isn't making much effort to fix these issues is perhaps the strongest evidence - along with the company's declared interest in developing new platforms - that such work is ongoing. How long until we see an Android replacement? I'd guesstimate something in the region of five years, but a company such as Google has the resources to make it happen much quicker. But it could also lose interest in the idea and decide that Android is good enough as it is. But for now, I have a good idea for a replacement - get an iPhone.

Time to spring into action, people!

After a century of shooing away hunters, tending to trails, and helping visitors enjoy the wonder of the natural world, the guardians of America’s most treasured places have been handed an almost unimaginable new job – slowing the all-out assault climate change is waging against national parks across the nation. As the National Parks Service (NPS) has charted the loss of glaciers, sea level rise, and increase in wildfires spurred by rising temperatures in recent years, the scale of the threat to US heritage across the 412 national parks and monuments has become starkly apparent. As the National Parks Service turns 100 this week, their efforts to chart and stem the threat to the country’s history faces a daunting task. America’s grand symbols and painstakingly preserved archaeological sites are at risk of being winnowed away by the crashing waves, wildfires, and erosion triggered by warming temperatures. The Statue of Liberty is at “high exposure” risk from increasingly punishing storms. A national monument dedicated to abolitionist Harriet Tubman, who will be enshrined on a new $20 note, could be eaten away by rising tides in Maryland. The land once walked by Pocahontas and Captain John Smith in Jamestown, the first English settlement in the US, is surrounded by waters rising at twice the global average and may be beyond rescue. These threats are the latest in a pile of identified calamities to befall national parks and monuments due to climate change. Receding ice, extreme heat, and acidifying oceans are morphing America’s landscapes and coasts at a faster pace than at any time in human history. Come on, people. There is still hope, but for any good to come out of this, we need to stop polluting. That includes you, Big whatever it is you're poisoning our planet with.

The Cruelest Rule on Earth

The Bellend of the Month for August 2016 is the cruelest rule in the Olympics. Here's how it got this distinction: you start running young. Really young, like at the age of 5. You stay after school every day and practice. You get blisters on your feet. By the time you're 10 years old, you've participated in more track meets and your whole room is full of medals and trophies. You ruin more pairs of sneakers than a dog trapped in a foot locker. You're 18 years old and you can jump higher, run faster, and endure more pain than more than 99% of the world's population. Fast forward to now - you're 21, you've qualified for the Olympics, and you've sacrificed thousands of hours of your life - relationships too - to get where you are. Every morning workout, every time you puked, every injury you rehabilitated from, every ice bath, every labored breath has led up to this moment. And as you wait on the starting line, your body primed and trained to jump at the slightest provocation, you bolt for the hurdles as fast as you can. Only to realize there's no one behind you. Only to realize you had a false start. Only to realize that you've been disqualified and your entire life's preparation for this moment was in vain. That's what happened to 21-year-old French hurdler, Wilhem Belocian when he was disqualified for a single false start. The false start disqualification rule is being called out by The Washington Post as the "cruelest rule in the Olympics" and for good reason: it ruins athletes lives. Just look at how utterly crushed Belocian is - he collapsed to the ground and pounded the track in disbelief, and anger, that his Olympic dreams were all over. And the reason why this incredibly strict policy is in place all boils down to ad dollars, unfortunately. The rule was implemented after the Beijing games in order to speed up track meets, which were slowed down by false starts. This caused television broadcasts to run over their scheduled allotted time. You'd think they'd allocate one warning to each competitor, or at the very least one for the entire field, but, these are TV execs you're dealing with after all. After seeing Belocian's heartbreaking reaction, people all over the internet began calling for an end to the unfair rule, and another chance to Belocian.

THE BIG REVIEW: The death of Wonka

A strong case for banning the police and Big Pharma

Hull next to lose to the Mourinho machine

Manchester United signed off for the international break with another victory to keep up a 100 per cent record in the Premier League so far, and it came in dramatic fashion as Marcus Rashford came off the bench to net a deserved winner for the Reds. It was a match United totally dominated, but it took until injury time for the breakthrough to arrive when some superb and dogged play from Wayne Rooney on the left flank teed up Rashford to slot home. But a real achievement would be if they can go 38 for 38.

Kinda sums up our politicians, don't it?

Presenting the overpaid pricks who put the big in Big Pharma

So just to prove a point, you wasted toner?

I'm nougat nougat, are you nougat nougat?

The final version of Android Nougat was released yesterday and will roll out to devices over the following days. All the rumours have pointed to the launch of Android N in August, and with little fanfare, Google yesterday released the final version of Android Nougat. It's coming out first on certain Nexus devices and those who have already installed the beta version of Android N will also receive an update to the final version. Downloading and installing a beta version of Android to a Nexus device used to be a real headache, but this time around, Google made installing the Android N Developer Preview on to a Nexus device so easy that anyone could do it. Just bear in mind that this is not the finished version of the OS, and there will more than likely be some bugs that need fixing. But I wouldn't bother. My iPhone 4S still works fine after almost 5 years in my possession. As I always say, if it's not an Apple, it's crapple.

THE BIG REVIEW: Cubic dog fur

Maybe that's why they say don't drink the water

Strong with the Joker young Luke Skywalker is

And his wife was pretty hot as Mindy.

It takes two to stay at the top

Paul Pogba may have been the star attraction beneath the Friday night lights, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic stole the show at Old Trafford after his brace secured a 2-0 win over Southampton that keeps Manchester United top of the Premier League table. The Swedish striker scored either side of half-time, firstly with a well-taken header and then from the penalty spot, as Jose Mourinho’s men dispatched the visitors in a comfortable fashion that will continue to fuel the belief that the team can challenge for the title this season. The first home match of the season is always a special occasion for fans, yet this much-anticipated Old Trafford outing was elevated beyond the traditional sense of excitement in light of Pogba’s first appearance since returning to the club following a four-season spell at Juventus. The world-record signing’s every touch was cheered, particularly throughout the opening exchanges, and the stadium would have erupted had his shot from Ibrahimovic’s pass beaten Fraser Forster on 13 minutes. But what matters here is the three points, with goal difference only being of use as a tiebreaker.

Just 'murica being 'murica

Crashing back to the PS4

Crash Bandicoot will be joined by another fan-favourite character when he makes his PS4 debut as part of Skylanders Imaginators later this year. Crash Bandicoot supervillain Doctor Neo Cortex will join the Skylanders Imaginators cast as a playable character. Dr. Neo Cortex will use his signature blaster ray, hoverboard, explosive mines, and will also be able to summon the powerful Uka mask. Activision also revealed another new level for the game, which is said to be steeped in nostalgic Crash Bandicoot gameplay. The Thumpin’ Wumpa Islands level will also include Crash Zones that bring back the boulder chases from the orignal PSOne release. "And, as with any Skylanders level, there are secrets and hidden areas all along the way," reads an Activision statement. "In paying homage to this iconic character on his 20th anniversary, the level is packed with TNT boxes, crabs, hazards, temple ruins, Wumpa Fruit, exploding crates, and many more elements from the original Crash. "But it all takes place in the Skylands - which means a new twist of Skylanders combat and action brought into the world of the Wumpa Islands." The Thumpin’ Wumpa Islands will be available as part of the Skylanders Imaginators Starter Pack, which features Crash Bandicoot for PlayStation platforms at launch. According to Activision, a 'Synchronization Celebration' has aligned the world of Skylands with the Wumpa Islands. "Upon arriving, Spyro and Mags discover that Dr. Neo Cortex has created a terrible machine to harness the rhythmic power of the island’s celebration for his newest evil scheme!" reads an Activison statement. When the machine goes awry, something occurs that throws the whole party out of sync. Crash (voiced by Jess Harnell, who voiced Spyro in A Hero's Tail) must team up with the Skylanders and his old enemy Neo Cortex to restore the celebration before the Wumpa Islands are syncopated right out of existence!" But that's not all we'll see of the orange one: Upgraded versions of Crash Bandicoot, Cortex Strikes Back, and Warped will launch as part of a bundle, arriving for PS4 in 2017. So then why are they not doing the same with Spyro?

Here's a real pirate of the Caribbean

Apparently, Johnny Depp has cut his fingertip off. I couldn't get the image to save on my phone, so here's a link instead: http://m.tmz.com/#gallery/2016/08/14/the-gruesome-finger/images/2016/08/14/johnny-depp-finger-tmz-wm-jpeg/

THE BIG REVIEW: John Key's deluded pipe dreams