Let's finish the month off with bellend, book, and candle

We don't have a book or a candle, but we do have a Bellend of the Month for March 2011: Gregory Meads. The horse trainer from the New Zealand town of Matamata shot his wife in the neck at close range, killing her instantly. Today his stepdaughter Kimberly White looked him in the eye and told him exactly what she thought of him: "You took my mum away from me and for that I will never forgive you," she said in court. "I hope you rot in hell." I also hope that bellend rots in hell, but for now, he'll rot in the slammer for at least the next 11 years.

The US said they're open to arming Libya's rebels

And they'd better do it because Gaddafi is officially worse than Amy Chua.

Marylanders no longer need to whine

That's because a measure that allows wineries to ship directly to Maryland residents has been passed in the state Senate. The Senate voted 45-0 last night in favor of the legislation. The House of Delegates approved a similar bill on Saturday. But seriously, this isn't much to whine about (excuse the pun).

Just spare me the details

MyFone was launched this week by two bellends named Sally Rae and Steve Herstell, who created the website after becoming concerned about bad cyberspace behaviour. It is a new cellphone product that allows parents to track their children and check their text messages, and it amounts to spying. To use it, just sign up your child's cellphone number and then it'll send you an email so you can see any calls or texts made to and from the phone. However, because this software is nothing but a blatant violation of childrens' rights, I am not going to put up a link to the website, nor am I going to be a part of this culture of mistrust. The system is well-meaning, but it is counterproductive and could detract from good parenting (sorry if I'm stating the obvious but so does Amy Chua). Instead, have open and frank conversations about this sort of thing with your kids. If you're going to buy cellphones for your children, talk about what that means, talk about how they use it. The most important thing is that parents continue to talk with their children, build the right sort of relationship and give them the support and the encouragement to come to them if they have issues. So don't get MyFone - it's akin to spying, and it will build walls between parents and their children, because parents who sign on to that rubbish risk their children becoming resentful and more devious in the way they communicate.

That's a right kosher pickle

Yeshai Kutoff was house-proud, having bought a home in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, for his family of five. And as an Orthodox Jew, he bought push-button locks for the doors — an accommodation for the Sabbath, when many of the devout do not carry keys. But a neighbor soon told him that the locks he had bought could be opened by a powerful magnet costing about $30. It would obviously bother me if I had a lock like that and other people could easily figure it out, and Mr. Kutoff did not buy a magnet to see for himself because it obviously doesn’t interest him to know how to break into his own house. And besides, the Sabbath prohibition on doing work would obviously extend to a push-button system like Mr. Kutoff's, so I think both issues could have been better accommodated by using something like a retinal scanning system which would automatically open the door if everything checked out with no input from any family member.

This is getting to be a weighty problem

A 17-year-old beauty queen who claimed pageant organizers harassed her about her weight before stripping her of the Miss San Antonio title has won her courtroom fight to get it back. The teenager, whose name is Domonique Ramirez, claimed she was unfairly booted in January after pageant officials accused her of gaining weight and told her to "get off the tacos." Those bellends in charge of the pageant need to take a good look at themselves because they are putting way too much pressure on models to stay skinny, and Miss Ramirez did the right thing by not buckling under said pressure. And besides, I may eat junk food almost every day but the main thing is that I'm still alive, and even if you never, ever touch the stuff, everybody will die of something at some point in their lives.

Way to spice up your life

Facebook users have been re-arranging spices on supermarket shelves to spell out rude words. I don't see too much of a problem with this as long as nothing goes missing from the shop, but the game - dubbed Supermarket Scrabble - drives store staff mad as they have to hurriedly re-arrange the letters to remove the rude words and get things back in order, so think before you rearrange.

Gaddafi seriously needs to go

Last week, the United Nations Security Council passed Resolution 1973, authorising the international community to take “all necessary measures” to protect civilian areas from assault by Libyan forces, while “excluding a foreign occupation force of any form on any part of Libyan territory”. I'm sorry, but foreign occupation is necessary (case in point: Adolf Hitler and Saddam Hussein were both removed from power by foreign occupation) to get rid of Gaddafi. The future has no place for him whatsoever.

Oops, Brown did it again

Chris Brown turned violent on the "Good Morning America" show in New York City. Apparently Brown was on the show to promote the release of his latest album "F.A.M.E." but he became too uncomfortable when the questions continually diverted away from his album and onto his infamous physical altercation with ex-girlfriend Rihanna. An agitated Brown tried to deflect the questions and said: "I'm past that in my life." We are all past that (maybe except for Rihanna) and I don't blame him for not wanting to bring that ugly business up, because the incident, for which the Virginia-born singer is on probation, was 2009's news and should not have been brought up on the show - instead, the host should've just stuck to questions about Brown's new album, which I hope sells well.

Just use the same procedure as every kid when it comes to preschools

Nicole Imprescia is suing York Avenue Preschool, a private preschool in New York, for US$19,000 claiming that they may have damaged her four-year-old daughter Luscia's chances of getting into an elite private school. The mother says that she enrolled her daughter at the school based on its promise to prepare students for the ERB test, which is used to place children into elite elementary schools. Instead, the lawsuit claims, York Avenue Preschool placed her daughter in what she calls a-two-year-old's learning environment, where the kid was taught about shapes and colours. Luscia was placed in what I find to be an appropriate learning environment for kids her age, and I would not sue a kindergarten or preschool just for letting children be children. That bellend is obviously out of her mind and quite possibly never learnt anything from the whole Amy Chua nonsense.

Egypt will be back... and better than ever!

Egyptian voters voted in a referendum for constitutional changes, and the results have shown that the people favour the proposed changes, which include tightening the rules as to who can and can't run, and imposing a limit of two four-year terms - this means that no one person will be able to run Egypt in the ground like Mubarak did.

Berba had it in for Bolton

Man United ended a two-game losing streak by beating Bolton 1-0 this morning at Old Trafford with a late goal by Dimitar Berbatov. A yellow card was shown to one of Bolton's side and Man U finished with just ten players on the field after Jonny Evans got red-carded.

Good name for a satellite

The MErcury Surface, Space ENvironment, GEochemistry and Ranging (MESSENGER) probe has just gone into orbit around Mercury. I think Messenger's the perfect name for the satellite because in Roman and Greek mythology, Mercury (or Hermes as the Greeks put it) was the messenger of the gods. The probe's next mission should be to actually get past the thick clouds of sulfuric acid that constitute the upper layers of Venus's atmosphere, and get some pictures of the surface.

Seriously, what's a few more potential candidates for President?

One thing that is true is that one of the constitutional requirements for the office of US President is that you have to be a natural-born citizen of the US, and this means that you have to have been born in the States, or to at least one parent with American citizenship. Another thing that is true is that if you give birth in the States, even if you snuck in just for the big day, then your kid is automatically a US citizen. But there are two bills in the Arizona state legislature, one intending to force a Supreme Court ruling against automatic citizenship for U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants, and another to require schools to file reports on enrollments of illegal immigrant students, and both have been defeated. I might not be too big a fan of illegal immigration but the Constitution is pretty clear on this: if you give birth on US soil, even if you snuck in on a flimsy raft, then your child is a natural-born citizen of the United States, and he or she has fulfilled one of the constitutional requirements for the office of President (to the best of my knowledge, the others are not being a convicted felon, being at least 35, having resided in America for at least 14 years of your life, and not already having served two terms).

I now pronounce you man and husband

Democrats introduced legislation in both houses of Congress yesterday to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, the 1996 law barring the federal government from recognizing legal same-sex marriages. The time has come for the federal government to recognize that every American family deserves all of the legal protections afforded to couples who are married under state law, and the Justice Department have decided they're no longer defending that stupid and narrow-minded piece of legislation against court challenges. Every loving, committed couple deserves the basic human right to get married, start a family, and have access to all the same rights and privileges that a heterosexual couple enjoys, and the new legislation, known as the Respect for Marriage Act, will just be another step in the right direction.

OK so he was passing military secrets on to Wikileaks

But the United States still can't just hold Bradley Manning in such inhuman conditions. The US Army private is currently kept in chains as though he were a wild animal. The harsh conditions of Manning's imprisonment – untried and unconvicted – have been causing growing concern, because what is being done to Bradley Manning is ridiculous and counterproductive, and stupid on the part of the Department of Defense. Those bellends need to get their act together because this is just like a typical day in Amy Chua's household.

I can't think of a title for this post

Some bellends can be quite selfish when it comes to helping out during natural disasters. For instance, some people sent checks for their credit card bills just before the earthquake struck Christchurch last month and the checks could not reach the banks on time because postal services had been cut off, and now those thoughtless nutjobs at the banks have struck their customers with late fees. There were genuine reasons for the credit card payments to have not made it to the bank on time, what with the post and the banking services both being down in the days following the quake. One of the banks that is an exception to this selfish and unethical practice is BNZ, who my credit card is with, and they have decided that none of their credit card holders in Christchurch will be charged late fees for any reason until September.

Don't really have that much to write about tonight

But it is Pi Day (3/14 if you write dates the American way) today.

Third and final Yogi Award for 2011

It goes to Alex Ferguson, who has been smarter than the average soccer team manager in that despite two consecutive Premier League losses, Manchester United beat Arsenal 2-0 in their FA Cup clash at Old Trafford. Anyone can make the right adjustments to turn the entire squad around, and it looks like Ferguson's cracked it. I hope he uses the same lineup against Bolton next week.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!

And a second Yogi Award to present: those cheapskates at Westpac may be reducing the Westie Pac's join-up bonus from $40 to $30 but they are still smarter than the average bank - that's because they kept that awful mullet off their latest ad. That whole Amy Chua business with her Wall Street Journal essay back in January was actually a welcome break from that stupid hairdo. The Westie Pac ad can be seen on the left.

We turn one tomorrow

So let's forget about today's earthquake for a minute and present the first of three Yogi Awards - to earn one, you have to have been smarter than the average over the past twelve months.

Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck was smarter than the average director this year. In his film The Tourist, he had Johnny Depp's character smoke an e-cigarette in one scene. Overall, I am OK with the OFLC's M rating because smoking cessation products like electronic cigarettes may well be good at helping smokers kick their filthy habit once and for all. While tobacco companies will continue to find a way to push their product, we can decide to not be a part of their campaign of filth. And also, great choice of music for the end.

Two days to go

And then we're 1.

Whoa! Double output all the way! It's so intense!

Marathon Oil Corp. said yesterday that it hopes to more than double oil output from an Alberta oil sands project in the near future. Currently, Marathon, together with partners Shell and Chevron, produces about 155,000 barrels a day at the Athabasca oil sands project, a venture to extract a thick and high-sulfur crude from Canada's oil-rich sands. They have a plan to get more oil, and potentially more money, but there are also pollutants to consider. Of course there's carbon monoxide and all that horrible stuff, but they should also get rid of all the sulfur because once the crude oil, or one of its derivatives, is combusted in whatever machines need it, the sulfur will react with oxygen to produce sulfur dioxide (SO2), and once this reacts with trace amounts of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2) or water vapour and atomic oxygen (H2O + O) in our atmosphere, this will constitute sulfuric acid (SO2 + H2O2 = SO2 + H2O + O = H2SO4), which is a major active component of acid rain. Think about that when filling up your tank.

Man United barely hanging onto top after second successive loss

Yesterday morning at Anfield, Liverpool beat Man United 3-1. Liverpool’s goals were thanks to a hat-trick by Dirk Kuyt and Javier Hernandez scored for Man U in stoppage time. Five yellow cards were shown to various bellends throughout the game.

Happy 21st, Abby and Brittany

These two girls may look to you like a two-headed freak of nature, but they turn 21 today, and their appearance as a "two-headed freak of nature" is due to them being dicephalic parapagus twins (meaning that they are conjoined twins of whom each has a separate head, but whose bodies are joined). They are highly symmetric, giving the appearance of having just a single body with little variation from normal proportion. In fact, several vital organs are doubled up, with each woman having a separate heart, stomach, spine, and spinal cord. If you're wondering how the two of them can walk with one leg each, they just take turns moving each leg. So happy birthday, Abigail and Brittany Hensel. At least your survival into adulthood will take many parenting experts' minds off this whole Amy Chua thing (if only briefly).

And then there were 27

North Korea has demanded that South Korea immediately return 31 North Koreans who accidentally crossed over into South Korean waters on a fishing boat, even though the South says four of them have decided to defect. The other 27 should defect as well if North Korea are going to keep up their atrocious track record of human rights abuses. I hope the protests in the Arab world stir something up in that communist wasteland.

We're turning one in a week's time

That rhymes.

It's good for babies so why not big kids or adults?

A shop in the UK has been shut down by local authorities because it's selling ice cream made from breast milk. Babies drink it for their first year or two so it's got to be good for older human beings. Most people would've had breast milk before so how yucky could it be? And besides, they pasteurise the milk, making it totally safe. Closing down a store because of foods made from human breast milk is a complete overreaction.

Only a fair ruling is a good ruling

According to Bart Simpson's writings on the chalkboard at the beginning of one episode of the Simpsons, the First Amendment "does not cover burping." However, ruling in a case that pressed the outer limits of free speech, the Supreme Court on Wednesday said that even anti-gay protesters who picketed the funerals of U.S. troops with signs reading, "Thank God for Dead Soldiers," cannot be sued. This is the worst to come from the Eastern United States since Amy Chua admitted to being a horrible parent. Those eight Supreme Court Justices who ruled in favour of the Westboro Baptist Church have absolutely no common sense, and speaking of Amy Chua, she is the only thing those bellends are any better than. But any Supreme Court ruling can be overturned by another ruling or a Constitutional amendment, so a Congressman with any sense would be proposing an amendment to the Constitution to stop those religious wackos from picketing funerals so the survivors can be left to mourn in peace.

Reds seem to have encountered a red light

In a déjà vu of the Wolves game last month, Man United suffered another 2-1 away loss this morning at Stamford Bridge. Chelsea’s goals were scored by David Luiz and Frank Lampard, and Man United’s goal was scored by Wayne Rooney. Five players were booked, and of those five, Nemanja Vidic was booked again and subsequently sent off.

This blog is turning one this month

Just give it a few more days.