Twerks a million

The Bellend of the Month for October 2013 is Valerie Dixon. The 27-year-old from Florida was accused of “dancing in a vulgar manner” in front of children, but instead of being asked to host Saturday Night Live, she was arrested. A Lake County deputy spotted Dixon bent over at the waist and screaming profanities at a school bus full of children. The Orlando Sentinel reported that the children on the school bus were watching as Dixon twerked and allegedly grasped her genital area before the officer stepped in to stop the show. Dixon, who had no previous criminal charges, was charged with disorderly conduct and booked into the Lake County Jail. It serves her right. You need to think of the children before you start dancing like Miley Cyrus. If Dixon had picked a less vulgar dance, for example Gangnam Style, she wouldn't be facing charges of disorderly conduct.

Torn in the sack

The cruelty one woman allegedly showed to her own son is enough to be its own Halloween horror tale. Authorities have charged Jennifer Marie Vargas, a civilian living on a military base in San Antonio, with assault after she allegedly attempted to pull off her 6-year-old child’s genitals while angry at him, then tried to reattach them with superglue. According to a criminal affidavit filed with the FBI, Vargas admitted to agents that on September 27, after becoming angry at the boy, she grabbed his scrotum as hard as she could “thereby ripping his ‘sack’ and causing a laceration,” according to a criminal complaint filed in federal court. The document continued that she applied the superglue, chemically known as a cyanoacrylate adhesive and designed for binding solid services, then stuffed the boy’s underwear with paper towel and ordered him to bed. She sought no medical attention for him. That is not cool. People should not be doing things like that. Ripping open a kid's junk (unless it's Justin Bieber) is tantamount to assault and should be dealt with as severely as possible.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Blaming it on minorities

Chinese police are reportedly seeking two ethnic Uighur Muslims from the far west of the country in connection with the car fire which killed five people in front of Tiananmen Gate yesterday. The driver and two passengers burned to death when their car smashed through barriers and burst into flames in a suspected immolation in front of the famous portrait of Chairman Mao. Two tourists were killed and 38 others were injured when the vehicle struck them. Now police are reportedly contacting local hotels looking for others who might have been involved in this seemingly deliberate act. According to reports from hotel managers the names given by police appear to be those of ethnic Uighurs. But why blame it on a helpless minority? That may well be the work of a Chinese person or any other ethnicity. In fact, 9/11 may well be an inside job. You can't just go round blaming minorities for everything.

Phone's up all night to get blocky

A new mobile phone concept that would give users a chance to choose from a range of components, and replace or upgrade them when necessary, has generated enormous interest online. But could this sustainable, modular device ever become a reality? Six months ago, the Dutch designer Dave Hakkens took apart his favourite camera. "I noticed all these little parts," he says. "And everything was good except for the lens motor. That had broken." But when Hakkens contacted the manufacturer to get a replacement motor, he was advised to just replace the whole camera. "With your bike you repair the tyre, you don't throw the bike away," he says. "But for some reason this is what we do with electronics." Hakkens realised that if a device could be taken apart and upgraded more easily it would last much longer, minimising electrical waste. And so the idea of Phonebloks was born. The concept - Hakkens hasn't figured out how to actually make it - is for a phone with a replaceable screen and easily moveable, changeable "bloks", each containing a different element such as battery, chipset, gyroscope, or whatever - all of which vary in size and can be made to tessellate in any number of combinations. This has got to be one of the best ideas for a phone, especially when it can be customised to suit the individual. Let's say this is your phone and you do everything in the cloud - why not replace your storage blok with a bigger battery blok? Or if you love to take pictures, why not upgrade your camera? The possibilities are limited only by what components are available and how many can fit on your phone.

Moyes finally stoking the fires of success

Just as Manchester United looked set to suffer a shock home defeat to Stoke City this morning, the Barclays Premier League champions produced a stirring late comeback at to secure a memorable 3-2 victory over Mark Hughes' side. David Moyes admits he hopes that this sterling comeback against Stoke City is the first of many during his Manchester United reign. "I was going to say that I hope it was the first of many," he laughed. "Still, I’d rather have a late comeback than a defeat. I thought that we kept going, we tried everything today. We made mistakes and our goalkeeper kept us in the game at times today, but we kept knocking and that door trying to find a way through and eventually we did." Scoring-wise, first half goals from Peter Crouch and Marko Arnautovic bookended Robin van Persie's equaliser, and the visitors were on the brink of their first win at Old Trafford since 1976 until goals in the 78th and 80th minutes from Wayne Rooney and Javier Hernandez flipped the match on its head. Seven players received yellow cards during the game.

Guitar-breakers in hot water for delays

United Airlines was fined US$1.1 million by regulators for stranding passengers inside planes at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport (the same airport where baggage-handlers once broke a passenger's guitar while loading it onto a United flight bound for Nebraska), the largest penalty since rules took effect in 2010. Thirteen United planes with 939 passengers on board were delayed on the ground for more than the three-hour limit during thunderstorms that disrupted the second-busiest U.S. airport on July 13, 2012, the Department of Transportation said. At least two planes didn’t have working restrooms, according to a consent order issued yesterday. “It is unacceptable for passengers to be stranded in planes on the tarmac for hours on end,” Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx said in a statement. Of course it is. Delays suck enough as it is. The airlines do not need to make it worse by keeping everyone on the plane just because of the thunderstorm. What if my niece (pictured in her cutest photo so far) had been kept on board one of the planes?

Free update already on the up and up

Apple’s latest update for operating system update for Mac is now on 5.5% of Mac computers and that number is increasing fast. Advertising network Chitika reports that Mavericks has been downloaded three times as fast as last year’s Mountain Lion update within the first 24 hours. The main reason for this success is that this year’s update is free. Apple initially charged Mac owners US$20 for Mountain Lion, and even more for previous versions. I haven't yet installed Mavericks, but if you have a Mac and you're on Mountain Lion or earlier, you should get in while the getting's good. And if your machine's running a crappy alternative like Windows or Linux, then get a Mac. It'll be worth it.

timefor://new.generic.tld

Four new generic top-level domains (the letters that appear at the end of web addresses, such as .com) have been announced. The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) is expected to roll out the new names within weeks. They are: شبكة (Arabic for "web"), 游戏 (Chinese for "game"), онлайн (Russian for "online"), and сайт (Russian for "website"). Icann hopes hundreds of new top-level domains will eventually be made. We already have country codes in various scripts, but this could be the first time non-Latin characters can be used in a generic TLD. But there could soon be some various new Latin-based generic TLD's coming our way. Firms have come forward to request almost 2,000 new names including the likes of .porn, .ninja, and .ferrari. The BBC expressed an interest in .bbc. Google made 101 requests, including .google and .youtube, and also had more unexpected ideas such as .and, .boo, .dad, and .new. It will take some time for Icann to process all of those requests, particularly in cases where more than one firm wants to own the same gTLD - such as .music, requested by both Amazon and Google. The most popular domain name was .app - with 13 different companies interested in it. But for now, one will just have to rely on the standards already in use, like .com, .org, .net, .biz, and others along those lines.

Cricket on the cross

The Vatican has launched its own official cricket club as part of efforts to encourage interfaith dialogue. The St Peter's Cricket Club is the brainchild of Australia's ambassador to the Holy See, John McCarthy. He described it as an example of "sporting diplomacy" which would present the opportunity to play the Hindus, Muslims, and Sikhs. The next stage is to select an official cricket team, which will sport the official colours of the tiny city-state - yellow and white. Their jackets will have the seal of the papacy - two crossed keys. Speaking of crossing keys, a couple who engaged in a sexual act in a Shrewsbury railway station lift are being sought. A man and woman were seen entering the lift, which connects the station's main subway to platforms four to seven, at about 7:25pm British Summer Time on 28 September. British Transport Police said that the pair were in the lift for more than 10 minutes, and during that short period of time, had performed an indecent act. And they can't deny the act in question because CCTV images of two people the cops want to speak to have been released. Speaking of releasing, for the first time in the US, a decommissioned prison is to be turned into a facility to help former inmates re-enter the community. And it's happening in the area of New York most in need of it - the Bronx. The facility will be run by the Osborne Association, a not-for-profit group with 80 years of experience working with both the imprisoned and those who have been released from jail. But enough about all that because we have something a lot better to discuss here - Apple has unveiled a top-of-the-range tablet called the iPad Air that is 20% thinner than the previous version. The 9.7in (24.6cm) computer is 7.5mm (0.3in) thick and weighs 1lb (469g), which the firm claims is the lightest full-sized tablet on the market. It is powered by the same A7 chip found in the company's iPhone 5S. Apple also announced a new version of its iPad Mini. Its 7.9in (20cm) screen has been upgraded to feature 2048 by 1536 pixels - the same as the larger model. It is being branded as "retina" to highlight the increased resolution. Amazon and Google have already announced small tablets - the Kindle Fire HDX and Nexus 7 - with similar high definition displays. But screw the Kindle Fire and the Nexus because Apple is where it's at for quality electronic devices - always has been, always will be. If you're after a new phone or tablet, remember this advice - if it's not an Apple, it's crapple.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Standing by your manager

And by manager, I can only mean the eternally clueless and inept David Moyes. It's not easy taking over from one of the greatest managers in football history, but Moyes has been assured that one trophy in his debut season at Manchester United will be considered a success. So says his predecessor Alex Ferguson, a man who waited more than three years for his first silverware at Old Trafford before rewriting the record books. Ferguson, whose reign ended with a 13th Premier League crown last season, urged fans to be patient after a difficult start to this season's campaign. The level of patience required will be difficult if Manchester United end up in the bottom three and have to spend 2014-15 in the Sky Bet Championship as a result. For David, winning a trophy would be a fantastic achievement, but until that time, it should be Fergie all the way.

Books to arrive via drone

Australian textbook rental startup Zookal will begin utilizing drones to make its deliveries in Australia next year, with ambitions of bringing the unique, unmanned delivery method to U.S. customers by 2015. The company says this marks the first commercial use of fully automated drones worldwide. It will fulfill deliveries in Sydney using six drones to start, dropping off textbook purchases at an outdoor location of the customer's choosing. To wipe away any potential privacy or surveillance fears, the drones aren't equipped with cameras. Instead, built-in anti-collision technology keeps them clear of trees, buildings, birds, and other potential obstacles. It's looking to be a smart way to save on labour costs, but let's not drone on (excuse the pun) about this dehumanisation of service because two convicted murderers who used forged documents to trick their way out of prison in Florida have been recaptured. Joseph Jenkins and Charles Walker, both 34 and dangerous, were seized without incident at a motel in Panama City, Florida. The men, who were serving life sentences without the possibility of parole for murder, had been freed from separate jails after officials were fooled by fake papers reducing their terms. The prison authorities have pledged to tighten up their early-release policy.

New manager still not cutting it for the boys in red

David Moyes insists Manchester United will bounce back from the disappointment of conceding late on against Southampton at Old Trafford this morning, as Southampton captain Adam Lallana grabbed a late equaliser to cancel out Robin van Persie's first-half strike in a match where five players received yellow cards. I don't believe him. So far, the Reds are bombing under David Moyes. Alex Ferguson was the reason why Manchester United have been an awesome team in recent years, and so far, Moyes hasn't been able to work the same kind of magic.

Another one goes down over the frozen CO2

Police arrested a second airport employee yesterday (Pacific Daylight Time) for an alleged role in setting off ice bombs at the Los Angeles International Airport. 41-year-old Miguel Angel Iniguez of Inglewood was arrested while working at the airport and booked on suspicion of possession of a destructive device near an aircraft, Los Angeles police said. Iniguez is being held on $500,000 bail. This is why it never pays to set off a dry ice bomb. This sort of conduct is the wrong thing to do and he should be made to pay the price. SO DON'T DO IT. Also, don't cry onstage about Justin Bieber. Selena Gomez is still torn up about Bieber - that's the only explanation for her sappy and tear-filled performance Wednesday night (Eastern Daylight Time) in Brooklyn. Selena started sobbing and weeping near the end of her ballad, "Love Will Remember" - which is widely believed to be about Justin - partially because the original leaked version of the song featured a voicemail Justin left for Selena. Why Selena, or anyone for that matter, would have feelings for that douche is one of life's many mysteries. If you want real music, Google the phrase "Gangnam Style".

Kickstarter to kick-start in the Tasman

And no, it's not one of those deals where the convict crowd (who live on the wrong side of the ditch) will get to try the product first simply because there's more of them. Kickstarter, the world’s largest funding platform for creative projects, has revealed it’s opening up to both Australia- and New Zealand-based projects from November 13. Announced via the company’s official blog site, big thinking Kiwis and Aussies will benefit from the crowd funding website in less than a month. “In August we announced that Kickstarter would soon open up to projects based in Australia and New Zealand for the first time,” wrote Michael McGregor, creator of Kickstarter. “Today we’re happy to announce that the day has finally come! Beginning today (like, right now!), people in Australia and New Zealand can start building their projects by clicking on the “Start a project” button on the Start page. Beginning Wednesday November 13, people in those countries will be able to launch their projects. We’ll send an email that day letting everyone know when they can click the launch button.” But until that exciting day, there will still be plenty of time for all our Kiwi and Aussie readers, no matter what side of the ditch they're on, to come up with a good project and make it worth everyone's hard-earned cash (and no, I will NOT pledge money towards a robot that bowls underarm or anything of that ilk).

The shutdown has been shut down

After shutting down the U.S. government for 16 days and driving the nation toward the brink of default, a chastened Congress voted last night (Eastern Daylight Time) to reopen federal agencies, call hundreds of thousands of civil servants back to work, and raise the US$16.7 trillion debt ceiling. An agreement struck by Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell ended a stalemate created last month, when hard-line conservatives pushed GOP leaders to use the threat of shutdown to block a landmark expansion of federally funded health coverage. “We’ve been locked in a fight over here, trying to bring government down to size, trying to do our best to stop Obamacare,” House Speaker John A. Boehner told a Cincinnati-area radio station. “We fought the good fight. We just didn’t win.” Of course they didn't. Their campaign was successful, but only in undermining popular support for the Republican Party. One side had to cave in eventually, and it was only fitting that dozens of anxious GOP lawmakers were ready to give President Obama almost exactly what he requested months ago: a bill to fund the government and increase the Treasury Department’s borrowing power with no strings attached. The Senate overwhelmingly ratified the deal 81 votes to 18, with more than half of Senate Republicans voting yes. A few hours later, the House followed suit, approving the measure 285 to 144. Eighty-seven Republicans joined a united Democratic caucus in approving the measure, allowing Congress to meet a critical Treasury Department deadline with one day to spare. But enough about that because a 32-year-old mom has drawn a firestorm of online criticism over a photo she posted on Facebook (pictured) to promote her fitness expertise that some say amounts to bullying. Maria Kang of Sacramento, California, shared a glossy shot of herself in ab-revealing workout gear along with her brood of three boys ages three years and under, below the caption "What's your excuse?" "I felt that if others can overcome incredible challenges to be in shape, why would my story be any different?" Kang, a sometime model and TV fitness expert who also owns a residential care home for the elderly, explained on her personal website. Here's my excuse: staying "in shape" is for those who are vain or have no self-esteem.

Lose an eye, don't lose a dimension

Seeing in three dimensions doesn’t necessarily need the use of two eyes, according to a pair of scientists at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. One of the ways that humans perceive depth is through a process called stereopsis. Stereopsis stems from the fact that most people view the world through two eyeballs, each of which presents a slightly different picture. The tiny differences between the two pictures that each eye sees help the brain calculate the three-dimensional portrait of the world around the viewer. Losing one eye often sharply decreases a person’s depth perception. You can still pick up cues from the world around you by relying on lighting, perspective, and familiarity with the sizes of various objects. One of the few ways to recreate stereopsis with one eye is through motion, creating parallax – the same phenomenon that allows astronomers to calculate celestial distances by observing the motion of stars and planets. So there's no need for all you one-eyed readers out there to worry - you can still see many of the latest blockbusters in 3D (if you know the secret). Speaking of secrets, scientists have discovered a new type of botox they believe is the "deadliest substance known to man", but have withheld the DNA sequence because an antidote is not known. It is the first time the scientific community has made such a move to withhold such information but security concerns have dictated that they do so. New Scientist reports that just 2 billionths of a gram of the protein botulinum produced by the soil bacterium Clostridium botulinum will kill an adult.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Racial abuse

A former Napier woman living with her family in Australia says a recent visit back will be the last for some time, and they would be unlikely to return to live after being racially abused. "Racism is alive and well in Napier," Elizabeth Webber said as she and her husband and two children prepared to fly back to their home in Coomera on the Gold Coast. They had returned to visit her husband's family and she had caught up with friends, and on Saturday, the day before they were due to fly out, they had been driving along Hastings St and slowed down for the paved speed bump and stop sign at the intersection with Vautier St. Mrs Webber said the speed bumps were confusing as some people treated them as pedestrian crossings where they believed they had right of crossing before a motor vehicle, but she agreed that out of courtesy if someone was crossing a car should allow him or her to. "On the approach we noticed no one walking across or approaching the speed hump so we proceeded to go over and wait behind the car in front of us." She said the back end of their car was on the speed hump for no more than 10 to 15 seconds at the most. "In that time an elderly man, about 75 to 85, was approaching and then started to walk across the speed hump. As he got closer to our car window, he said loud enough for all of us to hear, 'Bloody Maoris'." Mrs Webber said she was angry, embarrassed, and felt humiliated - but was especially upset because her 11-year-old son was also in the car and heard what the man said. That was not cool. One should never say those things to anyone. I am for the most part relieved that my niece (pictured) wasn't within earshot of that bellend.

Airport freezes over frozen CO2

Authorities say an explosion from a plastic bottle containing dry ice at a Los Angeles International Airport terminal caused up to four flights to be delayed. FBI spokeswoman Laura Eimiller says a chemical reaction caused the explosion last night (Pacific Daylight Time) in an employee bathroom in Terminal 2. No injuries were reported, but as a precaution authorities closed the terminal and examined the area for evidence. To do that, officials had to halt security screening, which led to the delay of up to four departing flights. Whoever left the dry ice bomb did a horrible thing that inconvenienced possibly hundreds of travellers and could've potentially been a diversion for an act of terrorism. But enough about that because a Malaysian court had ruled that a Christian newspaper may not use the word "Allah" to refer to God, a landmark decision that doesn't take into account the fact that the word Allah predated Islam and had been used extensively by Malay-speaking Christians in Malaysia's part of Borneo island for centuries. In fact, Christians in Indonesia and much of the Arab world continue to use the word without opposition from Islamic authorities.

Cricketer to retire amidst stronger carbon

A material called carbyne could be stronger even than graphene or diamond, according to researchers who have calculated its properties. The team says carbyne, which is a chain of carbon atoms held together by double or alternating single and triple chemical bonds, could have a range of remarkable properties, if it can ever be made in bulk - and some experts have doubted whether this is possible. Even if it is possible, even carbyne can never be any stronger than, or even as strong as, Chuck Norris - the man who can divide by zero, and despite MC Hammer's claims, can "touch this". What can't be touched, however, is the fact that Sachin Tendulkar - the man with 13 coins - will be missed. Cricket fans in India have praised the record-breaking batsman, who has announced that he is to retire from all cricket. He will stand down after playing his 200th Test match next month. The 40-year-old former India captain is the highest run-scorer in the history of Test cricket.

All choked up and no place to go

Irish parents have been warned of a deadly choking game sweeping the web in which children 'strangle' themselves to restrict the flow of blood to the brain. The warning comes after a boy was admitted to Temple Street Hospital in Dublin as a result of playing the game. The teenager, who ended up on life support after the game went horribly wrong, was in a stable condition in the hospital last night. He is unconscious but in a stable condition, having been released from the Intensive Care Unit on Tuesday. The dangerous game is known by a variety of names from 'funky chicken' to 'space monkey'. It involves hyperventilating or squeezing the carotid artery in the neck for a few seconds to achieve a high. Constricting the artery in this way cuts blood flow to the brain. Releasing the pressure leads to a sudden rush of oxygen to the brain, giving a feeling of euphoria. But the practice can cause brain damage, loss of consciousness, or even death. So if you're engaging in that sort of rubbish, then STOP IT or it could be you in intensive care.

Planet without a star

Eighty light-years from Earth, there's a world that's just six times more massive than Jupiter, floating all alone without a sun to keep it warm, astronomers reported on Wednesday. Such free-floaters have been reported before, but in the past, it hasn't always been clear whether these were orphaned planets or failed stars. This time, the scientists say they're sure it's a planet. There is a chance this new planet could actually be a star, but back on this planet, Ontario has passed a law that will ban people under the age of 18 from using tanning beds, a measure aimed at cutting rates of skin cancer in the province. The new rules will also force tanning salons to prominently post government-created posters that explain the risks of tanning to customers. “It is important legislation for us in Ontario today,” Health Minister Deb Matthews said Wednesday after the legislature unanimously endorsed the law at third reading. “Of course, a national solution would be preferable – I think that’s what the industry would prefer – but my job is to make sure the people of Ontario are protected.” In fact, the youth of eight of the ten provinces of Canada are protected by similar legislation (the two exceptions are Alberta and Saskatchewan).

Boiling up the future

It seems like it will only be a matter of time before you have the option to replace every appliance and utensil in your house with one that is connected to the Internet or to your phone. We've seen smart refrigerators, smart thermostats, the smart fork, smart locks, the smart smoke detector, and now there's what UK retailer Firebox.com calls the "world's first WiFi kettle." Now getting up early in the morning to boil water can a tedious task. What if you could just lie down in bed and have your water boiled at your bidding? This is the concept behind iKettle. This kitchen gadget can be controlled using an iOS or Android smartphone as long as the accompanying app is installed. The aptly named iKettle is what you expect it to be. The stainless steel 1.8 liter kettle has a wireless-equipped base station. When the kettle and smartphone are on the same network, using the app you can not only turn on the kettle but also set the temperature. Even better, the app has an alarm that allows you to turn on the heat as you hit the snooze button so your hot water is ready and waiting when you get out of bed. That's the good news, but the bad news is that at this stage, it will come with a standard 3-pin UK plug, so if you want to use this cool new gadget outside of the UK and Ireland, you will need an adapter. But it will hopefully all be worth it when the iKettle, which retails at US$160.79, ships next month.

OpenDoor closes in China

Apple has been accused of kowtowing to the Chinese government by pulling from its China App Store a product enabling users to circumvent firewalls and access restricted sites. OpenDoor, a free app that provides users a randomized IP address to keep their browsing habits anonymous and shielded from censors, was removed after the tech giant deemed it contained "illegal content," the app's lead developer said. It remains available in App Stores outside China. The developer - who wished to remain anonymous, saying that "as the developers of an app that protects users' privacy and anonymity online, it only makes sense to do the same ourselves" - said Apple provided no notification that the app had been pulled, with the developers only learning from consumers. When Apple responded to OpenDoor, they were told only that the app contained content that was illegal in China. Apple requires developers to comply with legal requirements in all locations in which the product is made available, but they could've made an exception for some of the stupid laws they have in places like China. Doing business in China should not mean having to give in to evil communist pigs. Other apps previously removed from Apple's App Store in China for falling foul of censorship laws include one providing access to forbidden books, and a news app for a U.S.-based broadcaster founded by the banned spiritual group Falun Gong.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Growing older

That's right, growing older. It happens to everyone, for example, both of my parents turned 50 this year. I am now half their age, still living with one of them, and still not in a job. But I am still here to do what I do best, which is bring you a daily piece of my mind (and whoever's been +1'ing all my recent posts, thank you). We start tonight with Singapore's prime minister, who openly criticized the United States over the government shutdown and ongoing deadlock over the debt ceiling, calling them "problems you have created for yourself in a game of chicken." He's right about that one. The Republicans are effectively holding America hostage over the Obamacare program, which they don't want to fund. They need to realise that the Affordable Care Act will help several Americans who would otherwise have to go to Canada to get the health care they so desperately need. And they'd better lift the debt ceiling by next Thursday otherwise America will have no choice but to default.

True patriot love in all of us command?

A group of prominent Canadian women have launched a campaign to make the English-language lyrics to Canada's national anthem more gender-neutral. The group, which includes author Margaret Atwood and former Prime Minister Kim Campbell, objects to the line "in all thy sons command". The women say a revision to O Canada's lyrics would "encapsulate the equality of all Canadians". Their campaign (click here for their website), also backed by Senator Nancy Ruth and former Senator Vivienne Poy, calls on Canadians to encourage Prime Minister Stephen Harper's government to alter the official English lyrics to O Canada. They would change the line to "in all of us command". The women say the English version of the song at one point contained the line "thou dost in us command", with that line revised in 1913 to "in all thy sons command". Maybe it is time to make the change. If Australia could remove the words "Australia's sons" from the first line of their national anthem, then so can Canada. Even Austria removed the sexist language from their national anthem effective beginning of last year.

Reds back in top half of the table

Manchester United’s match this morning had got off to the worst possible start when Sunderland's Craig Gardner took the lead just five minutes in, but the Reds returned to winning ways (a rare feat under their new manager) at the Stadium of Light thanks to two superb goals from 18-year-old Adnan Januzaj (who is eligible to represent Belgium through birth, Kosovo and Albania through his parents, and Turkey and Serbia through his grandparents). Six players got yellow-carded.

Here comes the bride, just not from that side

Today is the 40th anniversary of the signing of the European Patent Convention. Also known as the Convention on the Grant of European Patents of 5 October 1973, the EPC is a multilateral treaty instituting the European Patent Organisation and providing an autonomous legal system according to which European patents are granted. But enough about that crap because as disagreements in Congress mean that "closed" signs hang outside national parks across the US, many couples' wedding venues are now suddenly out of bounds. For instance, when Natasha Juliao and Sean Coughlin walked on to Paramount Ranch just outside Los Angeles, they knew they had found their perfect wedding venue. "The second that we stepped on the property, I knew it was where I was going to get married and we were jumping up and down and giddy," gushed bride-to-be Natasha. So when she found out that the bohemian ghost town would be closed for her big day, she was crushed. "I immediately had a nervous breakdown and started crying at work, it was awful. I had no idea what to do." With family and friends flying in from places as far as Taiwan, postponing the wedding was not an option. Unable to get a refund, Juliao and Coughlin, a nursing assistant and production co-ordinator, were nearly out of time and money to find an alternative. And hoping to create an intimate setting for their families' first encounter, Drake Lucas and Zach Kouwe spent more than a year poring over Pinterest, planning a low-key wedding in California's Yosemite National Park. "Ironically," Drake noted, "we chose it because we thought it would be stress-free." But with the park closed, the Brooklyn couple are scrambling to put together a plan B wedding in San Francisco, a five-hour drive away. From the flowers to the venue, everything has to be found in less than a week, which means nothing will be quite as they envisaged. In the midst of her hectic attempts to salvage her big day, Lucas, a grant-writer at Human Rights Watch, has some words of wisdom for Congress. "If I can just share a little of the advice I've been given during my engagement, I might be able to help us all out. It's called compromise. I hear you have to do a lot of it in marriage, and it seems to me that you should have to do a lot of it in your job, too. You can't just give up if you don't get your way. And you have to pay your bills on time. Because we are in this for the long haul and there are enough real problems we will have to weather - there is no need to create ones you can prevent." Here's another problem the bellends in Congress could've prevented: a hike in a wedding dress. As an endurance athlete, Genevieve Jeuck knew how to push through in tough situations. But when she found out that her Grand Canyon dream wedding would be off limits, she stopped in her tracks. "I got the call Thursday night. I cried. I was freaking out, and then I thought I was turning into a 'Bridezilla.'" Jeuck, a violinist, and her fiance Michael Sallemi, a Harley Davidson salesman, hadn't connected the dots between the government shutdown and the national parks closing. And with less than six days until the 2 October wedding, all options were on the table. But then the New Jersey couple were able to relocate to Sedona, Arizona, and the last-second wedding included an unexpected hike in the white dress. But a hike wasn't part of these wedding plans: MaiLien Le and Michael Cassesso had planned a romantic wedding at the Jefferson Memorial, where they met for their first date more than four years ago. Having worked in politics, the couple are no stranger to Capitol Hill antics, but that didn't soften the blow as their wedding became a casualty of the latest Washington crisis. "It's gut-wrenching, frustrating, aggravating, disheartening to have our wedding turned upside down like that," says Cassesso, a legislative analyst. Le, a project co-ordinator at an executive search firm, had a more intuitive reaction, with an expletive. As strangers started donating to their wedding gift registry, Cassesso and Le directed the funds to The Covenant House (a charity for homeless young people), a group the couple think will be adversely affected by the shutdown. This sort of rubbish is just one of the reasons why the GOP needs to stop holding the government hostage over Obamacare. They are only hurting their own cause by being a bunch of complete jerks about a law which will help several million Americans. Once the Republicans have veto-proof majorities (minimum two thirds) in both houses, they will have a chance to repeal the offending legislation.

Wiper, no wiping!

Forbes magazine printed its list of the billionaires in the year 2013. Royal family members and dictators were not included. Two-hundred and ten new billionaires reached that zenith since 2012. Worldwide there are 1,426 billionaires with a record net worth of $5.4 trillion — up from $4.6 trillion in 2012. Bill Gates is the richest American billionaire and second-most wealthy in the world, with a net worth of $67 billion. That is up $6 billion in one year. As of 2008 there were 10 million people around the globe who were classified as U.S. dollar millionaires. The number in the U.S. as of 2012 was 5,231,000. Realise that mathematically a million is one thousand thousands and a billion is one thousand millions. Bill Gates’ haul is 67 thousand thousand thousand dollar bills. The United States has a population of 316-plus million people. About two-thirds of that total are adults (age 18 and older). That would be about 212 million adults. If we separate the American millionaires from that total, it would leave 206 million American adults who are not millionaires. Let’s pretend Bill Gates was to magnanimously give all 206 million adult American non-millionaires a million each. As a percentage of his one year’s income, that would amount to 3.4 percent. As a percentage of his total wealth, that would represent only 0.3 percent. It could happen, but rich people being who they are, I wouldn't count on it. What is happening, however, is that a German security company has uncovered a bug in the new iPhone's software that it said enables hackers to overcome a safeguard allowing users to remotely wipe stolen or lost phones. Berlin's Security Research Labs, known as SRL, said yesterday that the vulnerability could potentially give criminals time to break into the Apple phones, gain complete control of data, access email accounts, and then potentially take over the user's bank accounts. The research firm also said it has figured out an easier way to crack the iPhone fingerprint scanner than has been demonstrated thus far. It published a video demonstrating the newly discovered flaws on its website.

Not lovin' it in Tecoma

A long-running feud has pitted protesters from a small town of 2,000 people in the shadows of Australia's temperate rainforest against one of the world's most recognisable brands. Tranquil Tecoma, 35km east of central Melbourne, has become a battleground between McDonald's and "community" protesters over the construction of a 24-hour drive-through restaurant. Opponents say the restaurant would be too close to a nursery and primary school, would damage other businesses, and disrupt the fabric of a leafy community known for its artists and wildlife. But despite such fierce opposition, McDonald's says it will press ahead. The company says: "We have followed due process every step of the way to build a family restaurant on a highway that houses a number of food and service outlets. The area is appropriately zoned, we have an approved planning permit, and we are moving forward. We know that there is much support in the community and our obligation is to ensure that those who want a McDonald's in the community have that option." Bollocks. Most of this "support" is coming from the bureaucrats running the show in Tecoma, who have bowled underarm just so McDonald's can have their way. This is not how a responsible city government should act.

No nipples please, we're Kiwis

New Zealand is making headlines overseas for refusing to allow naked breasts in a cancer campaign on television. A controversial advert - first aired in the UK - shows real pictures of women's breasts affected by cancer. The campaign resulted in a 50 percent rise in the number of women contacting their GP about breast cancer. But New Zealand's Commercial Approval Bureau, an industry body that classifies ads on behalf of broadcasters, has told health campaigners that nipples aren't permitted on TV adverts here. The newspaper Herald Scotland carried the story and quoted a breast cancer survivor who said it was "quite tragic" the ad wasn't being played in New Zealand. "That advert saved my life," Janet Brodie said, saying she went to the doctor only after seeing the advert and recognising she had some signs of breast cancer. "We're in the 21st century and if it helps one person to go to their doctor and do what they've got to do, if it saves one person's life, it should be shown," she said. The New Zealand Breast Cancer Foundation argues the importance of knowing all the signs and symptoms far outweighs the commercial watchdog's concerns. I agree with the foundation on that one. It's not like there's anyone jacking off in the background. But enough about that because in other cancer-related news, a commonly used blood pressure drug could help fight cancer by opening up blood vessels in solid tumours. Used beside conventional cancer-fighting drugs, it could improve life expectancy, experts believe. Following successful testing in mice, doctors plan to give losartan to patients with pancreatic cancer to see if it can tackle this hard-to-treat disease. Currently, only 5% of pancreatic cancer patients survive for at least 5 years. This is partly because only one in 10 people with the disease has a tumour that is operable.

1300 POSTS!

US government agencies were ordered to close for the first time in more than 17 years after lawmakers stalemated over Republican efforts to block President Obama's healthcare law. More than 800,000 federal workers were to spend today, the first day of the new fiscal year, on unpaid furloughs as agency managers executed contingency plans for the costly process of closing down operations indefinitely. The official word to shut down came from the White House just before midnight (Eastern Daylight Time). Hours earlier, the Senate, by a 54-46 party-line vote, killed a House measure that would have funded government agencies for six weeks but delayed key parts of Obamacare for a year. But enough about that because a fast-food chain in Washington is promising free hamburgers to federal workers who now find themselves furloughed by the shutdown. “If people don’t go to work, they can come and get a burger” at four Z-Burger locations in the national capital region at noon hour and again in the early evening, the chain's founder Peter Tabibian told AFP. Tabibian, whose family emigrated from Iran in the 1980s, acknowledged that he’s going to lose money “if this thing goes on for 20 days,” but he said he wanted to help out civil servants who are a big part of his clientele. But this offer isn't open to just anybody. The offer is open to furloughed federal employees and contractors upon presentation of an ID card, as well as municipal workers in Washington, which as a federal district is overseen by Congress. By one estimate, there are 320,000 federal employees in Washington and its adjacent suburbs, representing about 15 percent of the entire federal government payroll. For the national capital, a federal shutdown could see the shutdown of tourist attractions such as the Smithsonian museums. It could also trigger a suspension of rubbish collection and parking enforcement. This is why Congress needs to get it together. Unless both houses can sort out this Obamacare mess, the shutdown will continue to have a very real economic impact on real people.