Another month, another bellend.

This month, it’s Peter Yeats. Early this month, the former sergeant with Sussex Police in England was found guilty of misappropriating £3500 in lost and found money back in July. How this worked was that he used a police computer to read about the find on an incident database and rang his own force three times using the name "Kirk Rose", and told officers he was from Cornwall and his wife had lost around £3000 in the area the previous day. Police did the right thing (considering that that is not the sort of behaviour we want on a police force anywhere, and police officers are supposed to uphold the laws) by launching an investigation into the veracity of these claims as they felt the condition of the money was so poor that it been left in the open for much longer, and the calls were traced to his police-issued mobile, blowing his scam wide open. So let’s hear it for our new Bellend of the Month.

How can "nobody" be responsible for a stampede?

Last week, a stampede in Cambodia killed 351 people, and it was recently found that nobody was responsible. But how can "nobody" be responsible for a stampede when it was clearly the fault of everyone that took part in it? That is just bollocks because there were more than 1,000 people taking part - they were trying to cross a narrow bridge while celebrating the end of an annual Water Festival on a man-made entertainment island, and the crowd suddenly panicked and started to run. So I don't believe those bellends when they say that there was nobody to blame - there was at least a thousand people involved.

Dragons, Blackburn get burnt

Man United beat the Blackburn Rovers 7-1 at Old Trafford. Five of Man United's goals were scored by Dimitar Berbatov, and the others were scored by Nani and Ji-Sung Park. Blackburn's goal was scored by Christopher Samba (who is of course a bellend), and two of his teammates were yellow-carded.

The All Blacks have accomplished another Grand Slam after beating Wales 37-25. New Zealand's try-scorers were Hosea Gear who scored two, and Mils Muliaina, Isaia Toeava, and John Afoa who each scored one; Dan Carter finally secured the world record for most career points in test rugby after scoring two penalties and three conversions. Wales only made off with a try by Lee Byrne and six penalties and a conversion by Stephen Jones. Daniel Braid was yellow-carded in the 52nd minute for not rolling away after a tackle.

SPOTLIGHT ON KOREA: South Korean marines vow revenge

The situation in Korea is getting pretty tense. Lieutenant General Yoo Nak Joon, commander of the South Korean Marine Corps, has decided that the entire corps is to avenge the two marines that were killed in last week's shelling of Yeonpyeong. They could have got all the other branches of their military to help them, but the main thing is that South Korea have finally realised that economic sanctions against another country are futile, and they have finally realised that they need to clean the offending areas out with a Karcher if they want any results. If you want to remove tyrannical rulers, you need to go to war because sometimes the only answer is violent means.

SPOTLIGHT ON KOREA: Finally there could be some action on the Korean peninsula

Or at least according to the North, who said today that impending military exercises by the South and the United States are pushing the region towards war. It might not be the entire US military going in, but there is hope that the Korean peninsula will soon be reunified and that Kim Jong-il will soon go the way of Hitler, Ceausescu, and Saddam. I am relieved that the South are finally prepared to take a stand against the North, even if people die in the process. Wars have been necessary to remove tyrants in the past and another one may be the one thing that will red-card the Red Peril, who have had a stranglehold over the northern half of the peninsula for way too long.

It doesn't pay to counterfeit

Thousands of counterfeit Australian notes have been seized both in Australia and the United States, and three bellends (all of which are middle-age Australian men and two of which were in Australia at the time of their arrest and will be facing a judge next week) have been arrested as a result. That is some good work the US Secret Service and the Australian Federal Police carried out because counterfeiting currency is not on. If you have counterfeits in circulation, you have more money in circulation, right? Wrong. If you have counterfeits in circulation, then there will be a reduction in the value of real money, increases in prices due to more money getting circulated in the economy and the fact that companies are not reimbursed for counterfeits, and decrease in the acceptability of money because payees may be forced to demand electronic transfers of real money or payment in a precious metal such as gold. Because of the effects of counterfeiting on the economy, whatever those spineless bellends get is too good for them.

SPOTLIGHT ON KOREA: It's a start but it won't do much

South Korea has threatened North Korea with retaliation over the shelling of Yeonpyeong. That is the perfect start but unless you're actually doing anything, then you won't remove those tyrants from power. The issue here is that South Korea has to actually do something to achieve the results. This blog doesn't do nightly updates by itself - I type up the posts. And unless you have a maid, you'll have to clean up your room by yourself because those toys on the floor aren't going to come to life like in Toy Story and walk to their proper places by themselves. And nobody can stop Kim Jong-il and his Red Peril with threats alone - that communist wasteland needs to be cleaned out with a Karcher if you want to get things done.

SPOTLIGHT ON KOREA: The States should have just stepped in earlier

But they didn't and now North Korea has shelled Yeonpyeong Island in South Korea. This latest attack on South Korea is unacceptable and it's high time that Obama deployed some heavy artillery to get rid of the Red Peril before yet another attack occurs. There's already been naval engagements at Yeonpyeong in 1999 and 2002, a naval battle near Daecheong last year, and the Cheonan sinking six months ago. Suspending trade is no longer an option and I think it's high time that force be used to get rid of tyrants like Kim Jong-Il.

Tattoo prank goes to court

Last week, a bellend named Matthew Brady who gave his friend Chester Ives a tattoo of a penis instead of a yinyang symbol appeared in court. One of the charges against Brady has been upgraded from assault to grievous bodily harm, and rightly so because the tattoo will have to be removed by means of six moderately painful treatments spaced out over 24 to 36 weeks (around 5½ to 8 months) at about $120 Australian per session. The trial will continue in roughly seven weeks.

Just Wales to go now

The All Blacks are now one game away from their third Grand Slam in five years after delivering a 38-18 thrashing to Ireland (by the way, they accomplished most of that before bringing Sonny Bill on). The All Blacks got their points from two tries by Kieran Read, one try each by Anthony Boric and Sam Whitelock, and four penalties and three conversions by Daniel Carter. Ireland scored their points from one try each by Stephen Ferris and Brian O'Driscoll, and two penalties and a conversion by Jonathan Sexton.

Afterwards, it was time to head to Old Trafford and watch Man United beat a nine-man Wigan Athletic 2-0. The bellends who got the dreaded red card were Antolin Alcaraz (who was booked twice) and Hugo Rodallega (straight red). The other booking in the match went to Mohamed Diamé. Man United's goals were scored by Patrice Evra and Javier Hernandez.

To abort or not to abort?

That is the question that a couple in Minnesota, comprised of two possibly insane 30-year-olds named Pete and Alisha Arnold, are asking visitors to their site. I don't know anybody that would trivialise the abortion debate in such a stupid way. This stupid publicity stunt gives the impression that making this profoundly personal decision is akin to voting on a reality TV show, and it's pretty much pointless because the woman has had several miscarriages in the past and even if they didn't have the abortion, there could be yet another miscarriage headed the Arnolds' way.

The tanks would be of better use in Pyongyang

The United States has waited over nine years to send tanks into Afghanistan. But the war is just pointless now and if Obama wants to deploy tanks, they could be put to better use in getting rid of some of the world's most oppressive tyrants, which can be found in the likes of Myanmar or North Korea. Sending tanks into an area that Bush has already helped win the war in is completely pointless, and the US should just withdraw the troops from Afghanistan and Iraq, and then put them to better use bringing about democratic reform in countries ruled by some of the world's most oppressive regimes.

No Sleep Till Brooklyn? How about No Sleep In Brooklyn?

A coffee shop in the Crown Heights neighbourhood of Brooklyn is putting out a coffee with ten shots of espresso in a single serving. I can handle a double-shot but ten shots is just overdoing it. This stupid publicity stunt would have kept people from falling asleep while watching the recent World Cup (the vuvuzelas on their own would have been enough for most people), but there is absolutely no way that anyone would want to drink a ten-shot espresso because that is way too much caffeine for anyone. The bellend in charge needs to take a good look at the way that outfit is being run because if everyone started drinking such a strong brew, then nobody would be able to get any sleep. Not only that, but large doses of caffeine can increase heart rate and blood pressure.

Facebook at work? Not on my turf!

Some nitwit named Jeffery Cole thinks that employees using Facebook at work should be tolerated because it apparently leads to better productivity. That is total bull because there is no way that your boss will tolerate anyone slacking off like that, and if you get fired for repeatedly wasting company time like that, then your prospective employers will likely turn you down during the subsequent job hunt. Checking your Facebook status or instant messaging at work is an unnecessary waste of company time and it demonstrates a total lack of professionalism in the workplace. If you do experiment with letting such frivolous activities take place during company time in the hope that it will lead to better productivity, then the whole thing will turn into chaos within a week or two.

I'm just glad I'm not going to be flying with Qantas next September

Instead, I'll be flying to the locations of all of Italy's Rugby World Cup games courtesy of Air New Zealand. But that's not the point here. The point here is Qantas's recent safety record. Their planes have had four mid-air incidents (all engine problems) in ten days, the fourth one being an international Boeing 747 flight where smoke entered the cockpit and the pilots had to reach for their oxygen masks and turn back to Sydney. This latest incident is also the third one affecting their Boeing fleet, and if Qantas don't get their act together and investigate what is causing their planes' engines to fail in mid-flight (it could be poor workmanship at Boeing's factory), then nobody will want to fly with Qantas during the Rugby World Cup next September. And besides, Jetstar is cheaper.

Man United continue to hang onto unbeaten run in a sea of yellow cards

Villa Park was the site of Man United's away game against Birmingham-based outfit Aston Villa. Man United came back from a 2-0 deficit late in the game to bring about a 2-2 draw. Man United's goals were scored by Federico Macheda and Nemanja Vidic. Aston Villa's goals were scored by Ashley Young and Marc Albrighton. Several players from both teams were acting like complete bellends on the field, and seven of them got booked.

Aung San Suu Kyi has been freed

And also, we've finally managed to wrestle the Four Nations trophy back off the Aussies. The Kiwis won 16-12. New Zealand scored points from one try each by Shaun Kenny-Dowall, Jason Nightingale, and Nathan Fien; Benji Marshall kicked two goals. Australia scored points from one try each by Brent Tate and Billy Slater; Cameron Smith also kicked two goals.

Sonny Bill is still waiting on his first point as an All Black, but the All Blacks beat Scotland (who haven't won a test against the All Blacks since 1905) 49-3. The All Blacks got their points from two tries each by Hosea Gear and Mils Muliaina, and one try each by Dan Carter, Conrad Smith, and Andy Ellis; all tries were converted with Dan Carter converting five and Stephen Donald converting two. A penalty kicked by Dan Parks was all that kept Scotland from being shut out.

They're not really going to free her

Detained Nobel peace prize laureate Aung San Suu Kyi is due to be freed from house arrest today, three days after an election that was rigged just so those authoritarian twats known as the Union Solidarity and Development Party can stay in power. I don't believe that they're actually going to free her, but then again, you can't believe any of the crap that comes from that place - when Than Shwe released 9000 prisoners a few years ago, only 40 of those were political prisoners, and the other 8960 were common criminals. I think a better way to sort things out is for the UK to take back the country because even the Queen can run a country better than a total douche like Than Shwe or Kim Jong-Il.

The German legal system appears to be crumbling

A German judge called Helmut Knoener has let 42 speeding drivers off without charges in the last week because he thinks that the speed controls merely serve to fill the state's coffers rather than prevent accidents. Speeding is just stupid and any driver caught speeding should be expected to pay the price if there is enough evidence to back it up. Mr Knoener sees no legal justification for using photos in speeding-related court cases, and is calling for clearer regulations about how, when, and where speed controls can be conducted, but that is no excuse to let speeders off without charge and besides, the Public Prosecution Service can still appeal the "sentences". I believe the people should be allowed to elect their courts' judges because if there are bellends like Mr Knoener on the bench, then this is the first sign that your country's legal system is about to crumble to the point of no return.

Goalless draw in Manchester local derby

The City of Manchester Stadium was the site of a 0-0 draw between Man United and Man City this morning, and only two players got booked.

Holocaust victim scam lands 17 in court

17 senseless bellends stole more than $54 million from a non-profit group based in New York, known as the Conference on Jewish Material Claims Against Germany, that distributes German government money to Jewish victims of the Holocaust. Those nasty pieces of work, of which six worked for the Claims Conference, tricked the non-profit into making about 5,500 payouts based on false claims. Two of the funds that you can claim from the non-profit were targeted by the scheme: one fund makes a single $4,639 payment to Jewish victims of the Nazis, and the other makes monthly payments of $529. Being a tertiary student, that much extra money would really make life easier for me but I know better than to scam a non-profit into whoring out funds meant for people who were victimised by history's worst crime and then use said funds for my own personal gain. That is just horrible and the Claims Conference did the right thing by contacting the FBI as soon as the fraud was discovered.

So now you can turn skin into blood?

A Canadian study published on Sunday claims that stem cell researchers have found a way to turn a person's skin into blood. What happens is that cells from a patch of a person's skin are transformed into blood that is a genetic match, and then you'd be able to make your own blood for a transfusion. However, I'm not sure if Jehovah's Witnesses, who already reject other people's blood for religious reasons, would turn their own skin into blood. And personally, I think that's a ludicrous idea and they should actually study it more.

Ji-Sung Park takes down the Wolves

Yesterday morning, the Wolverhampton Wanderers were at Old Trafford to see if they could beat Man United, but Man U won 2-1. Both of Manchester United's goals were scored by Ji-Sung Park and the Wolves' only goal came from a bellend called Sylvan Ebanks-Blake. The only player to be booked was Javier Hernandez, which is pretty disappointing coming from the quickest player in this year's World Cup (top speed on the field 32.15 km/h).

New haka fails to produce a good enough result

New Zealand and Australia played their Four Nations game last night. The Kiwis used a new haka this time round but it proved to be futile because the Kangaroos won 34-20. Australia got their points from two tries by Brett Morris, one try each by Cooper Cronk, Brent Tate, Darius Boyd, and Chris Lawrence; goal-wise, Cameron Smith kicked three, and Todd Carney kicked two. New Zealand got their points from one try each by Frank Pritchard, Jason Nightingale, and Shaun Kenny-Dowall, and Benji Marshall kicked four goals. Nobody got sent to the bin despite all the aggression that took place during the game.

This morning, it was the All Blacks' turn to get the alphabet soup (yes, I do use that pun a bit much); they beat England 26-16. The All Blacks got their points from tries by Hosea Gear and Kieran Read; Daniel Carter added four penalties and two conversions. England got theirs from a try by Dylan Hartley; Toby Flood added three penalties and a conversion. Jerome Kaino was sent to the bin in the 72nd minute for repeated infringing.

Looks like Canterbury didn't even need Sonny Bill

But he did prove himself to the All Black selectors and he became an All Black. Sadly, that bellend Graham Henry didn't pick him for the test in Hong Kong, where his inclusion could've meant a more favourable outcome than last weekend's 26-24 to the Wallabies. Canterbury still managed to win last night's ITM Cup final 33-13 against Waikato. Canterbury got points from a try, two penalties, and two conversions by Colin Slade, a try each by Tu Umaga-Marshall, Ryan Crotty, and Matt Todd, and a penalty by Stephen Brett. Waikato got their points from tries by Toby Smith and Henry Speight and a penalty by Trent Renata.

England and Papua New Guinea have both lost their last two games, one each to New Zealand and one each to Australia, however, their match against each other resulted in Papua New Guinea being walked all over by England, who won 36-10. England's points came from four tries by Tony Clubb, two tries by Luke Robinson, one try by Ben Harrison, three goals by Ben Westwood, and one goal by Gareth Widdop. Papua New Guinea's points came from tries by Makail Aizue and Menzie Yere as well as a goal by Dion Aiye.

Score one for free music

A Minnesota woman ordered to pay US$1.5 million for sharing songs online is not planning to pay the recording industry. I commend her for taking a stand against such high damages for violating the copyrights of just 24 songs. In 2007, a jury ordered a payment of US$222,000. Then last year, a second jury increased her damages bill to almost US$2 million. And now, a third jury has reduced this to US$1.5 million, but she is well within her rights not to pay such an unconstitutional amount of damages. Those bellends at the RIAA should think about who they're suing and how much they're suing for because frivolous lawsuits like this just cause more hassle for everyone.

Obama and Calderon should just pull the whole border down

The border police today found a sophisticated drug smugglers' tunnel around 550 metres long which linked a warehouse in Tijuana with one in San Diego. Mexican cartels have been boring several tunnels under the US-Mexico border in recent years to beat ramped-up security at ports of entry and the rugged spaces in between. This just goes to show that patrolling the border is just becoming too much work for both countries and I think Mexico should just become part of the United States (hypothetical merging of the two above), and that would mean that any crooks on the run would have to go even further to evade arrest - they would have to go past a smaller, three-nation border into either Guatemala or Belize, and also, Mexicans wouldn't have to sneak past the border for a better life because they would already be in America. These are rather compelling arguments for Barack Obama and Felipe Calderon to admit defeat and tear down the border - even if the Federal Reserve would have to add Spanish-language text to their famous "greenbacks" or the largely Catholic populace of Mexico would be upset at abortion having to become completely legal like it is in the States.

Will this turn anyone vegetarian?

The Food Safety Authority is looking to axe the government meat inspectors and allowing meat companies to do their own inspections. All meat is inspected by government inspectors before it reaches our plates (or burger wrappers) and if the meat companies are allowed to do their own inspections, then tainted meat would pass the quality checks, meaning that we would have to rely on overseas meat or go vegetarian. Our meat is the best quality in the world and we could stand to lose that reputation if the government inspectors go.

That bellend should have gone to prison

I am talking about Doctor Hongsheng Kong (not to be confused with the former British colony that is currently administered as part of China), who used false patient records to defraud the Ministry of Health of over NZ$183,000. The Auckland-based GP performed 3800 separate fraudulent transactions over a 33-month period that gained him extra funding under the Primary Health Organisation registry scheme. He also changed the ethnicities of some patients and wrote prescriptions for patients who were overseas to get his hands on even more dough. Fraud is a very serious offence and fraudsters should be punished to an equally serious extent - not just twelve months home detention and 400 hours community service - because the registry is honesty-based and he seriously breached the trust involved with the scheme.

Spurs go down as expected

Man United beat Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 at Old Trafford yesterday. The goals were scored by Nani and Nemanja Vidic. Three Spurs players got yellow-carded.

Australia took on England in last night’s Rugby League Four Nations fixture with Australia winning 34-14. Australia’s points came from two tries by Luke Lewis, one try each by Billy Slater, Brent Tate, Willie Tonga, and Lote Tuqiri; Cameron Smith scored five goals, England got their points from tries by Sam Burgess and Luke Robinson, two goals by Ben Westwood, and one by Leroy Cudjoe.