March shall no longer march on

But we still have the Bellend of the Month to crown, and this month, it's Bonnie Miller. The 45-year-old woman was on an nighttime stroll with her family in St. Joseph, Michigan, when she tried sending a text about an appointment. But she didn't watch where she was going and fell off a pier and into a river's frigid water. This is why people shouldn't text while they're walking. It's not safe because your eyes are diverted to a screen and not to what's in front of you. She is lucky to be alive after making such a stupid mistake.

750 POSTS TODAY

North Korea has said it will fire a rocket to put a satellite into orbit between April 12 and 16 to mark the 100th anniversary of the birth of founding president Kim Il-sung, saying the launch was for peaceful purposes. But the United States and its allies suspect it is a disguised missile test, and say the launch would contravene UN sanctions aimed at curbing North Korea's missile program. It probably is a disguised missile test. In other news, Americans are queueing around the block for a chance to win the biggest lottery jackpot in history. The US Mega Millions lottery has reached an unprecedented US$540 million, which organisers claim is the biggest bonanza in world history.

Looks like this planet is just about fracked

Under a new law, doctors in Pennsylvania can access information about chemicals used in natural gas extraction, but they won't be able to share it with their patients. A provision buried in the law is drawing scrutiny from the public health and environmental community, who argue that it will "gag" doctors who want to raise concerns related to oil and gas extraction with the people they treat and the general public. In other words, companies must disclose the identity and amount of any chemicals used in fracking fluids to any health professional that requests that information in order to diagnosis or treat a patient that may have been exposed to a hazardous chemical. But the provision in the new bill requires those health professionals to sign a confidentiality agreement stating that they will not disclose that information to anyone else - not even the person they're trying to treat. This doesn't make sense because doctors should be able to share that info with their patients. The public have a right to know which chemicals are used in that wretched operation, and there is good reason to be curious about exactly what's in those fluids. A 2010 congressional investigation revealed that several fracking companies had used 32 million gallons of diesel products, which include toxic chemicals like benzene, toluene, ethylbenzene, and xylene, in the fluids they inject into the ground. Low levels of exposure to those chemicals can trigger acute effects like headaches, dizziness, and drowsiness, while higher levels of exposure can cause cancer. That's all the more reason why people shouldn't mess up our planet like that. There's already enough oil and gas just waiting to pollute the air.

We've had an Arab Spring, so why not a Cuban Spring?

Pope Benedict XVI will give a Mass in Cuba’s capital Havana today, capping a visit to the communist island where he vowed prayers for those denied freedom, only to see the government reject calls for political change. Benedict has come to Cuba to lend his weight to the rising influence on the island of the Roman Catholic Church, which gained strength following Pope John Paul II’s 1998 visit. The church’s subsequent campaign has helped open up economic and religious freedoms under Raul Castro, while the political system remains dominated by the communist party. But it's not enough: Marino Murillo, vice president of the Council of Ministers, ruled out any political change yesterday, though he did leave the door open to further economic reform. There needs to be some serious political change. The United States has an army base at Guantanamo and they should use those resources to maybe invade Cuba and force the issue. In other news, a new espresso machine that plugs into a car’s cigarette lighter socket aims to give French drivers a cup of espresso wherever they are. The Handpresso Auto is the newest addition to Fontainebleau-based Handpresso’s line of portable, hand-held espresso makers. To use it, you plug the machine (which is about the size of a flashlight) into the car's cigarette lighter, add water, pop in a pod of espresso grounds (any brand will do), and press a button. Water is pumped through the grounds at 16 bars of pressure, and the drink is ready in two minutes.

Fulham go down in uneventful match

Man United took three points to go back to the top of the table this morning, but they were made to fight all the way by Fulham, who defended manfully throughout and ensured a nervous 90 minutes at Old Trafford. The goal was scored by Wayne Rooney and the only yellow card went to Ryan Giggs.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Self-immolation

A Tibetan man set himself on fire in New Delhi today at a protest against a visit by Chinese president Hu Jintao, who is due to arrive in India later this week for a summit meeting. Pictures taken by a Reuters photographer show the protester enveloped in flames, before being taken to hospital with burns on his torso. It was not clear how serious his injuries were, but what is clear is that self-immolation is just stupid. It's quite a sight to behold, but it's not a substitute for taking any real action. Violence against oneself (including but not limited to self-immolation) is prohibited by most interpretations of Buddhist doctrine, and even if you're not a Buddhist, self-harm is still the wrong thing to do.

What's the Marines' major malfunction?

The United States Marine Corps has initiated disciplinary action against Marine Sergeant Gary Stein for comments he posted on his "Armed Forces Tea Party" Facebook page criticising President Barack Obama and his healthcare plan. The Marines' reaction to his comments is an infringement on his freedom of speech. He has every right to express personal political opinions. That's what makes America, and several other like-minded countries, great. Of course Obama's not perfect, but McCain wouldn't have been perfect either. In other news, Apple Inc's new iPhone will have a sharper and bigger 4.6-inch "retina" display and is set to be launched around the second quarter.

Not much hunger but plenty of games

I saw The Hunger Games today, and quite frankly, my suspicions about reality television were confirmed: officials known as Gamemakers were adding hazards to the arena, for instance, there were several Gamemaker-created wolves chasing the final three tributes. We all expect the people behind a reality TV show to create challenges for the contestants to complete, but chucking random hazards into the arena (I also noticed the Gamemakers creating a forest fire) just takes the real out of reality. And speaking of reality, Facebook has weighed in on a practice by some businesses asking employees or job applicants for their passwords to the popular social-media site. In a nutshell? Facebook says don't do it unless you want to get sued. This practice undermines the privacy expectations and the security of both the user and the user's friends, and also potentially exposes the employer who seeks this access to unanticipated legal liability. So don't do it.

The white man got me got me questioning: where is the justice?

It started a couple of weeks ago with just a few cryptic messages on Twitter and other social media websites: Where is the justice? and R.I.P. TrayvonMartin. A day later, nationally-syndicated radio host Michael Baisden sent out a message to his 65,000 Twitter followers and 585,000 Facebook fans, adding a few details. “Unarmed 17-year-old boy shot by neighbourhood watch captain in Sanford, FL outside of Orlando,” the tweet said. It provided a web link to a story. Since then, hundreds of thousands of messages have spread the word about Trayvon Martin, a black teenager who was shot to death Feb. 26 by neighbourhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman. Racial tensions have rapidly escalated as civil rights groups have held rallies, saying the shooting was unjustified. It was unjustified unless Zimmerman was acting in self-defence, and that bellend should count himself lucky he hasn't been arrested yet. This sort of carry-on is totally unnecessary and should never have happened. Time is passing while a child murderer is walking free, and he should be arrested before another child dies at the hands of that nutjob.

Looks like electric cars and fracking are the way of the future

Families cancelling vacations. Fishermen watching their profits burn up along with their boats’ petrol. Drivers buying only a few gallons of gas at a time because they can’t afford to fill the tank. From all corners of the country, Americans are irritated these days by record-high fuel prices that have soared above $4 a gallon in some states and could top $5 by summer. And the cost is becoming a political issue just as the presidential campaign kicks into high gear. Some blame President Barack Obama. Some just cite “the government,” while others believe it’s the work of big, greedy oil companies. No matter who is responsible, almost everyone seems to want the government to do something, even if people aren’t sure what, exactly, it should or can do. But if something isn't done about it (and no I'm NOT talking about driving off at the pump), then the US may well be on the road to becoming Ethiopia, or worse, Panem. Panem, as you should already know, is the dystopian setting for The Hunger Games, which opens in cinemas this weekend. And speaking of The Hunger Games, Hollywood is predicting massive tickets sales for the movie's first weekend. There are even predictions of takings of $130-140 million - matching the debuts of some of the Twilight movies. Based on the first of three novels by Suzanne Collins, the film is a post-apocalyptic story in which 21-year-old American actress Jennifer Lawrence plays heroine Katniss Everdeen who volunteers to take her sister's place in a televised fight-to-the-death battle. And speaking of death, the Royal College of Physicians (RCP) in the United Kingdom has recommended that all hospital doctors, whose role involves care for the dying, should go on a training course every five years. Doctors there would be trained to treat dying patients with dignity and help them pass away at home surrounded by loved ones if they so choose.

I would do anything for work but I won't do that

When Justin Bassett was interviewed for a new job, he expected the usual questions about experience and references. So he was astonished when the interviewer asked for something else: his Facebook username and password. Bassett, a New York City statistician, had just finished answering a few character questions when the interviewer turned to her computer to search for his Facebook page. But she couldn't see his private profile. She turned back and asked him to hand over his login information. Bassett refused and withdrew his application, saying he didn't want to work for a company that would seek such personal information. But as the job market steadily improves, other job candidates are confronting the same question from prospective employers, and some of them cannot afford to say no. If this is what has become of the job marketplace, it's best to apply for the job under a different name which couldn't possibly be linked to a Facebook account. Your employer shouldn't be allowed to ask for such information. This is more invasive than anything else I've heard of. I'd sooner have sex with my cousin than disclose my social networking passwords.

Wolves lose to the best

Man United beat the Wolves yesterday morning at Molineux Stadium. The goals were scored as follows: one each Jonny Evans, Antonio Valencia, Danny Welbeck, and two by Javier Hernandez. Welbeck received a yellow card, and Ronald Zubar received two, which meant that Wolverhampton had to play the second half a man down.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Robert Bales

Robert Bales is the name of the bellend accused of killing 16 Afghan civilians. Charges against him are expected to be filed within a week, and if the case goes to court the trial will be held in the United States, said a legal specialist with the US military familiar with the investigation. Bales has had a string of commendations for good conduct after four tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, but he's also run into some trouble in recent years: a Florida investment job went sour, his Seattle-area home was condemned as he struggled to make payments on another, and he failed to get a recent promotion. My theory is he couldn't cope and may have just buckled under the stress. He should've gotten help instead of going postal and taking it out on Afghan civilians living off base. But because he did what he did, he runs the risk of being dishonorably discharged from the army, which I hope doesn't happen to such a troubled soul.

So you think you can stone her and spit in her eye?

Activists presented a petition on Tuesday to the United Nations Human Rights Council calling on Pakistan to free a Christian mother of five from being put to death on the charge of blasphemy. A Pakistani court found Asia Bibi guilty of defiling the name of the Prophet Mohammed during a 2009 argument with Muslim fellow field workers. The offence is punishable by death or life imprisonment, according to Pakistan's penal code, and Bibi was sentenced to hang. But an investigation by a Pakistani government ministry found the charges stemmed from religious and personal enmity and recommended Bibi's release. It's about time too, because with Pakistan now running for a seat on the UN Human Rights Council, the government should make an important gesture by releasing Asia Bibi, and repealing its blasphemy law, which is inconsistent with basic human rights and is only there to justify persecution of religious minorities. In other news, Pyongyang plans to launch an "Earth observation" satellite using a carrier rocket next month.

He took a good beaning

A 56-year-old man was killed on Thursday when he was buried under a 20-foot (6.1 m) mound of pinto beans at a warehouse in Colorado. Raymond Segura Junior was pronounced dead at the Kelley Bean Company's facility in Brush, Colorado after dozens of rescue workers and even four inmates from the county jail had spent an hour digging through all those legumes to get to the trapped worker, but he was dead when the crews reached him. This should never have happened and neither should this: the BBC said yesterday that blasphemy is part of "everyday language" and refused to apologise to a vicar who complained about comments made by Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson. Mr Clarkson was filmed shouting "Jesus wept" while driving a KTM X-bow open top sports car in an episode that was broadcast on the 4th. He also said "God Almighty" while driving a Bentley powered by a Spitfire engine. The vicar of St Mary's church in Radcliffe-on-Trent in Nottinghamshire said he would avoid the motor show in future, accusing the BBC of double standards where religion was concerned. Even though most religions are all the same rubbish, we should respect them.

Out of many, one will win

Nearly 500 Egyptians have obtained applications to run for president, a sign of the excitement generated by the country's first presidential elections in which the outcome is in doubt, election officials said on Wednesday. They said a total of 472 people have received the papers to officially declare their candidacy for the vote, which follows last year's ouster of longtime authoritarian leader Hosni Mubarak. Besides the known presidential hopefuls who have been seriously campaigning, the applicants also include a wide range of obscure Egyptians in different professions like journalists, judges, lawyers, and school teachers. If you thought the US presidential election was generating a lot of buzz, then you haven't seen buzz. At least not like this. Out of 472, there can only be one who takes the crown. I won't list all of their names, but suffice it to say Hosni Mubarak won't be on the list. He was the only one on the list four elections in a row, but now, there are hundreds.

Guess who's back, back again? Rugby's back, tell a friend!

After a marathon seven-hour plus Dunedin City Council meeting yesterday, the council agreed to write off $400,000 owed by the Otago Rugby Football Union. An $80,000 debt to Dunedin Venues Management Ltd was also written off. That's right, the Otago Rugby Football Union has been saved, with the Dunedin City Council agreeing to write off a debt of $400,000 and the national union loaning it $500,000. They desperately needed that bailout, but people shouldn't always rely on bailouts otherwise they'll never learn to do anything for themselves. A bailout is good for staving financial ruin but it could cause financial ruin on the other end. In other rugby news, Crusaders first five (or fly-half) Dan Carter will tomorrow mark a major milestone in the journey to bring the Crusaders back home by kicking the first ball over the goal posts at the new Christchurch Stadium, which is nearing completion. The turf is down, seating is in, lights have been tested, and field markings are down. All that's left is for Dan Carter to test the goalposts.

Happy Pi Day, everybody!

Today is also Einstein's birthday, so slap your elbows to this funky beat concocted in honour of the great man himself and all the work he has done in the name of science.

City no longer on top

That’s right, it only took a 1-0 walloping courtesy of Swansea to manage that. But today, we have to give away the third and final Yogi Award for 2012, and it’s going to Resene. They were smarter than the average business that has advertised in a movie theater. I like the “Painty Feet Two” poster they put out (pictured), which is basically a very well done take on the poster for Happy Feet 2, and I liked the use of the phrase “Every stroke counts” at the top of the poster. That phrase, or any variation of it, is a good maxim to live life by; for instance, when it comes to debt management, every cent counts (that means putting extra money towards a debt if you can, not underpaying your mortgage bill by 80 cents, giving up smoking, etc.)

Now on to the results of yesterday morning’s Man United game at Old Trafford: Wayne Rooney scored two goals against West Bromwich Albion, which was reduced to ten players after Jonas Olsson was booked twice and sent off as a result. The Swedish import was the only person carded for misconduct in the match.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The past two years

But only because it hasn’t all been good news everywhere over the past two years. But we’ve made it to two years, and we have another Yogi Award to present. We’re presenting that to the Extraordinary Chambers in the Courts of Cambodia. This branch alone has been smarter than the average court system. In 2010, some nutjob going by the name Comrade Duch was sentenced by that court to 19 years in prison. But last month, they increased that sentence to life, which is what he deserved all along. It’s about time someone did something about the bellends behind the most shameful chapter in Cambodian history, especially considering that there was a New Zealander among the thousands that died in Tuol Sleng.

The judge who just wouldn't quit

Because it's our second anniversary tomorrow, we're awarding the first of three Yogi Awards to people or groups of people who, over the past 12 months, were smarter than the average whatever. Hillary Adams, daughter of November 2011’s Bellend of the Month, gets the first Yogi Award for being smarter than the average daughter. In January, she spoke out against some new outrages her father, who is already a total jerk, had committed against her and her sister. You can find out what she is saying here, but let me give you a taste of what she wrote in that update: he had promised her her school savings in return for a car, and he still has every penny and the car. If that were me put in that position, I would sell the car on eBay, and then the house, and I would use the money on a gun and bullets to put that loser out of his misery. But I’m not the one on the receiving end of his gross mistreatment, so I’ll just have to settle for the next best thing: I should start a campaign on Twitter to have that nutjob removed from office (I have selected #removewilliamadams as a candidate for the hashtag) and put in his place.

Not a good way to curry favour

Friends of Indian-origin student Dharun Ravi, who is on trial for allegedly spying on his roommate's sexual encounter with another man, have testified that he never harboured anti-gay sentiments. Taking the stand in the trial of 20-year-old Ravi for the defence, which began its case in a New Jersey court, were seven character witnesses, who were acquaintances of the former Rutgers University student and his father. They testified that they had never heard Ravi say anything bad or negative about gay people. I haven't either, and for all we know, he may well have been jacking off while watching the illicitly-obtained footage. I don't know whose side he's on but he shouldn't have filmed two guys getting it on without their consent. But because he did, he faces 15 charges, including invasion of privacy and bias intimidation for spying on his roommate, who committed suicide after finding out about the footage, while he was being intimate with another man. That is just wrong and I hope that pervert (or homophobe as the case may be) gets what's coming to him in the prison showers.

It's not just priests

A repressed homosexual church youth leader and former judge's associate has been jailed for 15 months for filming minors in toilets and hoarding child porn, but he may be eligible for parole in as little as four months. Anthony Kurt Power of Wynn Vale, South Australia pleaded guilty to two counts of engaging in indecent filming including images of minors and two counts of possessing child porn between July 2009 and March 2010. I think four months is too soon when it comes to bellends like him. His actions were a gross breach of the trust placed in him as a youth group leader and a friend, and he should be made to do the full 15 months at the very least. Child porn is a poor substitute for an as-yet ill-defined sexuality that he had repressed. And besides, if he was looking to go into the priesthood, he was at the wrong church.

And another Syrian leaves the Dark Side

Syria's deputy oil minister, Abdo Hussameddin, says he is resigning to join the anti-government revolt. He announced his defection in a video posted on YouTube, and is the highest level political figure to abandon the government of President Bashar al-Assad since the uprising erupted a year ago. I support his decision, as long as he doesn't switch back. Assad is definitely getting what's coming to him. That bellend is already unpopular even without losing his deputy oil minister, and I won't be surprised if he becomes the fifth Arab leader to be toppled by the people. And speaking of people, people should be impressed about the new iPad. It does have a faster chip, Retina display, and (with the obvious exception of Wi-Fi only models) 4G connectivity (even though we don't have 4G networks in New Zealand). And speaking of things we don't have in New Zealand, I found out that tonight's episode of The Cleveland Show (it's the one where Rallo's friend Murray gets married and Cleveland pretends to be thinner for his wife) had already aired in Australia. I feel bowled underarm knowing that Australia gets all the good stuff before we do. And speaking of good stuff, I will most definitely get an iPad 3 when it gets a bit cheaper.

Happy 22nd, Abby and Brittany

Today is also the 60th birthday of Antiguan cricketer Viv Richards. But more important, today is the day that Apple will reveal their next-generation iPad. Will it have a Retina display? Will it connect to LTE networks? Will it look a lot more awesome than the iPad 2? Will there be a more powerful chip? We'll just have to find out tomorrow.

Can an Arab soul yearn as well?

Israeli Supreme Court Justice Salim Joubran has the right not to sing the national anthem, "Hatikva." The law doesn't oblige him to do so, and the song's lyrics don't enable him to do so. As a loyal citizen of his country, the justice did not want to betray his conscience during the new Supreme Court president's inauguration by singing a song whose words are alien to every Arab citizen of Israel. An Arab citizen cannot sing "a Jewish soul yearns" or "the hope of 2,000 years," words that ignore the existence of an Arab minority in the State of Israel - a minority for whom this land is also their land.

The uproar that erupted following Joubran's refusal damaged the delicate fabric of Israeli democracy far more than his silence did. But against the background of the chorus of denunciations from the right, the position taken by Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin and Vice Prime Minister Moshe Ya'alon, both of whom came to Joubran's defense, was particularly noteworthy. They deserve high praise for this because even though Hatikva was written as an expression of the national sentiments of the Jewish people and Israel is a Jewish homeland, Arabs are just as much a part of Israel as the Jews.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Tottenham

This morning (New Zealand time as always) at White Hart Lane, Manchester United emphatically cleared a major hurdle in the race for the Barclays Premier League title, posting a priceless victory over the bellends playing for Tottenham Hotspur. One of Man United's goals was scored by Wayne Rooney and the other two by Ashley Young. The other goal was scored for Tottenham by Jermain Defoe. There were three yellow cards.

The casino's worth a gamble

As residents of Foxborough, Massachusetts got their first look this weekend at the resort casino envisioned by developer Steve Wynn, in the form of an artist’s rendering mailed to 7,000 households, opinion was mixed, with some recipients impressed and others dismissive. One thing, however, seemed clear: the visual aids would not bring consensus to the town of 17,000, where the casino issue has already proved deeply divisive. Even I, despite living thousands of kilometres away from the proposed casino, have a reason to support the casino and a reason to oppose it. The casino, on the one hand, could fuel the problem gambling and other issues like prostitution already plaguing Las Vegas and Atlantic City. But on the other hand, it could bring tourist dollars to the community, with maybe some of it going to a respected charity. However, I'm not the one in charge of the development and I'll just let the people of Foxborough sort it out for themselves.

Our second anniversary is in nine days

But there are some anniversaries today: today is the 15th anniversary of the Sky Tower's opening, but it's also the 21st anniversary of Rodney King being savagely beaten by four LAPD officers. That is one of the worst examples of white-on-black crime in history, and it should never have happened. Their acquittal by an 83.3% (ten out of twelve jurors) white jury in a state court caused widespread rioting throughout LA, and even after a federal trial resulted in two of the officers going to jail, the other two still got off. That was just horrible and unnecessary. If I were the presiding judge in the state trial, I would've overridden the jury's not guilty verdicts and had those nutjobs put in the stocks for a well-deserved dose of public humiliation.

Davy Jones has gone to his own locker

That's right, Davy Jones of the Monkees has died. But there's some more serious business to take care of. When Specialist Reynald Matias was heading to Afghanistan with his Army unit late last year, their chartered flight stopped to refuel at Leipzig-Halle Airport in Germany. During a brief layover, he called his wife in Tacoma, Washington, using his debit card on a payphone in the terminal’s troops-only transit lounge. “What are they charging you?” his wife, Crystal, asked when he reached her. He did not know, so she told him to hang up. A few days later she got the answer: $51 for what she estimated was a two-minute call. This is just not on. You can expect huge roaming charges when you use your cellphone overseas, but at a public payphone, it's just not right. $51 for a two-minute call is totally unfair. If I wanted to waste money like that, I'd chuck it in the fire.

Summer has ended on a good note

It’s not the extra day. It’s a mixture of three things:

• The Tokyo Sky Tree has been completed and is now the second-tallest structure in the world (after the Burj Khalifa in Dubai).
• North Korea has agreed to suspend uranium enrichment in exchange for humanitarian aid (this could just be a ruse).
• On Tuesday, The Pirate Bay stopped giving out links to .torrent files. Instead, they’re using Magnet links. It's simpler for them and no more hassle for you. It's more resilient than the .torrent files and it uses much less bandwidth for those who want to mirror. Also, since the magnet links are just a hash, it's on every single torrent detail page - so no-one knows that you actually downloaded a file or not (great for evading the Copyright Nazis).

My opinion of the third one? Fine by me, as long as it still gives me the movie or TV series I’m after. The Pirate Bay has been good to me because it means I don’t have to shell out my hard-earned cash on the DVD or wait for a repeat. Even though I’m always getting told off for using our entire monthly broadband allowance, it’s worth it because I’m getting something for nothing and the Copyright Nazis haven’t come after me yet, and with this new development, I don’t think they ever will.