Before we begin, we are transitioning the Weekly Gross-Out feature to Tuesdays, hence this week's story being told in two parts.
Everton are complete bellends, as one should already know. Man United's first game of the season is against those nutjobs, and will be taking place at Goodison Park tonight at 8pm British Summer Time. The match will, as per this blog's in-house style, be reported in Part Two tomorrow as having taken place the following morning because all times mentioned are in New Zealand time (12 or 13 hours ahead of GMT depending on time of year) unless otherwise specified. I hope Man United will redeem themselves this season and win a twentieth Premiership title.
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