Kiwi sport continues its horrific downfall

The Bellend of the Month for March 2015 is the state of New Zealand teams in international sport. First, the Black Caps lost the Cricket World Cup final by seven wickets on Sunday. And just last night Korean time, the All Whites lost a match against South Korea (aka Korea Republic), final score was 1-0. If anything good comes out of this bad patch, it could be just the kick in the pants the All Blacks need to defend the Rugby World Cup later this year.

Now onto a more serious matter: we are already one quarter of the way into 2015, and there are still people who use floppy disks. When will you people get with the program? It’s called a flash drive and it can hold way more than just 1.44 megabytes – I have one that can fit 128 GB on it and is just over half as big as my thumb. For those of you that don’t have that luxury, here are some tips on how to keep your floppies floppying on long after you begin to rot in the cold hard ground:

1. Never leave floppies in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Floppies should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Floppies should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold floppies unless they do not fit into the drive. Big (5.25”) floppies may be folded and used in little (3.5”) drives.
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Floppies cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO floppies into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the floppies before inserting them into the drive.
6. Floppies should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
7. If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
8. Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9. Floppies may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the floppies dry before using. (see item 2 above)
10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11. Periodically spray floppies with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
12. You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to thaw them by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.
13. Little floppies must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.
14. You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command FORMAT /U, or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.
15. Floppies become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.
16. Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.