Child killer in for three life terms

The Bellend of the Month for July 2013 is Aaron Schaffhausen. He is a 35-year-old father from Wisconsin found to be sane when he killed his three young daughters last July, and this July, he was sentenced to three life sentences without the possibility of parole. St. Croix County Judge Howard Cameron said the lives of each sister (11-year-old Amara, 8-year-old Sophie, and 5-year-old Cecilia) were each so important that Schaffhausen had to serve each sentence consecutively. "Each child has to be recognized as an individual girl," Cameron said. "To make it concurrent would diminish what happened to those young girls." I couldn't agree more. But one should remember that Schaffhausen's second and third life sentences are only symbolic in nature because he will already be rotting in jail for the rest of his life anyway, and rightly so because Schaffhausen - the man who helped genetically make those girls and shape them - became the darkness, the boogeyman, and the monster under the bed. He was so evil that he took their unconditional love for him and used their love to lure them close enough so he could kill them. Their last memory is what an evil killer their dad was. The girls' aunt remembered them as "amazing people."

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Broadway scams

A businessman and former stockbroker pleaded guilty yesterday (Eastern Daylight Time) to what prosecutors say was a dramatically conceived plot to scam the producers of the Broadway show "Rebecca, the Musical," which is based on the novel of the same name by Daphne du Maurier. Mark Hotton of West Islip, New York, admitted to defrauding the producers of the yet-to-open show in 2011 and 2012 by creating fake foreign investors and businesses, according to a release from the U.S. Attorney's office in Manhattan. "With his guilty plea today, the curtain is finally closing on Mark Hotton's elaborately staged fraud," Manhattan U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara said in the release. "Though his lies and deceits were the stuff of fiction, they caused real harm to his victims, and he now faces real consequences as a result." Those real consequences should entail a lengthy stay in jail so he would have enough time to think about what he did and the effect it had on decent people who just wanted to put on a show.

Lawmakers go bananas over banana throwing

Italian politicians have reacted with anger after the country's first black minister had bananas thrown at her during a political rally. Congolese-born Integration Minister Cecile Kyenge, who has suffered racial abuse in the past, was speaking at a Democratic Party (PD) rally in Cervia on Friday when an unidentified spectator threw bananas towards the stage, narrowly missing her. Italian police say they are trying to find the culprit. Responding on Twitter, Ms Kyenge called the incident "sad" and "a waste of food". But Environment Minister Andrea Orlando said on Twitter he felt the "utmost indignation" over the incident, and rightly so because it is a waste of food - in fact, it's one of the most insensitive wastes of food imaginable. According to Wikipedia, bananas are grown in at least 107 countries, primarily for their fruit; and to a lesser extent to make fibre, banana wine, and as ornamental plants - not for throwing at black people. Whoever did this should be left to rot in the slammer for a while.

Pakistani moonshine kills 18

At least 18 people have died and dozens more fallen ill after drinking contaminated alcohol in Pakistan, officials said. The victims, believed to be mostly Muslim and Christian labourers, consumed the toxic drink at two parties in the central city of Faisalabad. Only non-Muslims are allowed to buy and consume alcohol in Pakistan, but many people illegally brew alcohol at home. They shouldn't be doing that. Home-brewed booze is not always of the best quality. And speaking of quality, Westchester County may face legal action and have to pay up US$150,000 a month in fines to the Justice Department, after missing a deadline to improve water quality in White Plains and Scarsdale. The county decided a year and a half ago to pursue a US$100 million, multi-year project to tap into the New York City ultraviolent purification system in Mount Pleasant and improve the water quality for White Plains and Scarsdale, according to the Journal News.

Casino under suit for stupid mistakes

A US man has sued a casino in Columbus, Ohio, after he was robbed at gunpoint of thousands of dollars of blackjack winnings at his home. 29-year-old David Hayes says in a lawsuit two armed men entered his bedroom and demanded US$35,800. He says the Hollywood Casino Columbus should have paid him in a cheque and failed to keep his address and other personal information confidential. The casino argues Mr Hayes lost the money because of "his own negligence", which is not entirely true. The casino staff should at least offer to pay winnings via cheque or direct credit, that way Hayes wouldn't have to carry so much cash around. Also, the clerk shouldn't have written down information from his driving licence on a piece of paper and held it up for him to confirm - in a manner that would have allowed others to read the details. The casino deserves to be under suit for its stupid lapse in judgement. And speaking of poor judgement, Turkey's prime minister has threatened legal action against a UK newspaper for publishing an open letter criticising his handling of recent protests. Recep Tayyip Erdogan accused the Times of "renting out its pages for money". Hollywood celebrities and academics were among those who signed the letter this week accusing Turkey's government of "dictatorial rule". It serves them right. They shouldn't have tried to develop on one of the last green spaces in Istanbul.

Just me and the Chromecast tonight

Google rolled out a new Nexus 7 tablet on Wednesday. But a much smaller, much cheaper new gadget may be the one that makes a seismic impact in the consumer technology world. Chromecast is a glorified thumb drive that enables Web streaming to television. At US$35, it's also practically free, considering that it comes packed with three free months of Netflix, which isn't of much use to me because Netflix isn't available in New Zealand. Streaming media onto the (relatively) big screen is nothing new. Set-top boxes like Roku and Boxee have provided the service, at least in part, for years. More recently, Google's now-defunct Nexus Q has battled Apple TV for the hearts and minds of consumers who have grown used to on-demand video on their laptops, tablets, and even phones. But enough about that because Prince Harry has said one of his duties as an uncle to his new nephew Prince George is "to make sure he has fun". Harry said that he had already cuddled the prince, who was born on Monday and has been named George Alexander Louis - Prince George of Cambridge.

Royal baby now has a name

Dubai's 828-meter Burj Khalifa has less than a year left as the world's tallest building. Why? Because China's projected 838-meter Sky City broke ground in Changsha in central China on July 20. Astonishingly, the construction company behind it expects to top out in April 2014 - a build time of just 10 months, a lot less than the five years it took to build the Burj Khalifa. Fast construction claims from Broad Group, the Changsha-based construction company in charge of the build, have elicited strong reactions from China's "netizens," as well as experts. But the building would appear to herald a new age in Chinese construction, one in which tall, fast builds become common. It's already difficult to keep track of China's tallest building announcements. But enough about that because a better announcement has been made: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have named their new bundle of joy. The tot "will be known as His Royal Highness Prince George of Cambridge," according to Clarence House, the official residence of heirs to the throne. As well as ruling the United Kingdom, George Alexander Louis could one day be king of 15 other commonwealth countries that have the British monarch as head of state if none change their constitution in the meantime. These fifteen include Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Belize, and Jamaica.

French legislator in hot water over pro-Hitler statement

A French MP is facing prosecution for allegedly endorsing Hitler's crimes against the Roma (Gypsies) during a confrontation with travellers. Gilles Bourdouleix has tried to defend himself after he was recorded saying "maybe Hitler didn't kill enough of them" during the incident on Sunday. He says he was just repeating the words of the reporter who recorded him. But Interior Minister Manuel Valls said he should be punished "very severely" for the "unacceptable" remarks. I think so too. The Roma have already suffered enough during the Holocaust, and it's not that Hitler didn't kill enough of them - by killing even one Roma, he killed too many. And speaking of the Holocaust, a poster campaign has launched in Germany aimed at tracking down the last surviving Nazi war criminals and bringing them to justice. Some 2,000 posters showing the entrance to the Nazi Auschwitz death camp and asking people to come forward with information have been displayed in Berlin, Hamburg, and Cologne. The US-based Simon Wiesenthal Center offers rewards for useful information. It estimates there to be sixty people alive in Germany fit to stand trial. Some are suspected of having served as guards at Nazi death camps or being members of death squads responsible for mass killings, particularly early on in the war. "Unfortunately, very few people who committed the crimes had to pay for them," leading international Nazi hunter and the centre's Jerusalem branch director, Efraim Zuroff, said. "The passage of time in no way diminishes the crimes." And it in no way diminishes the severity of Bourdouleix's antiziganist remarks either.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Rong spelingz

Wher woud sume of us bea withoot spelchekk? Before we answer that, we'd better tell you why the blog has a blue background. Prince William and Kate Middleton now have a little baby. The baby, which is a boy, was born at 4:24pm yesterday (British Summer Time), weighing 8lb 6oz (almost 3.8 kilos). A name has not yet been announced for the child, who is third in line to the throne. The royal couple remained in the private Lindo Wing of St. Mary's Hospital in London overnight but hopes were high that they'd make an appearance as early as today. If so, they will likely appear holding their son on the same hospital steps where Charles and Di gave the world its first sighting of Prince William 31 years ago. Multi-gun salutes will be held today to mark the birth of the new royal heir. The King's Troop Royal Horse Artillery in Green Park is expected to release 41 rounds, while the Honorable Artillery Company at the Tower of London will sound 62 rounds. The bells of Westminster Abbey, where William and Kate were married a little over two years ago, will also peal for over three hours, in keeping with royal tradition. It's not yet known where William and Catherine will take the baby after their discharge from hospital, but it may be hard to escape the world's interest. But of interest to us tonight is the spell check issue, so let's get back to that. The sometimes annoying, but frankly indispensable computer aid has spared billions of typographical blushes. Now, an ingenious prototype pen developed by a German start-up is promising to give our longhand writing a similar sort of safety net. Lernstift (German for "learning pen") is a digital pen with a difference, carrying not only ink inside its casing but also a tiny computer that alerts users to spelling errors. Daniel Kaesmacher, co-founder of Lernstift told CNN: "Basically there are two functions. The calligraphy mode which helps you correct individual letters, and the orthography mode which vibrates when a word is misspelled." The AAA battery-powered Linux computer includes a vibration module and a patent pending non-optical motion sensor which recognizes specific movements and shapes of letters and words. The pen employs a menagerie of sensors, including a gyroscope (for measuring orientation), accelerometer (for calculating propulsion), and magnetometer (a device that measures the strength and direction of magnetic fields) - all to calculate the pen's 3-D movements. But the truth is, I couldn't care less. I have very little use for a pen in this electronic world.

Tour de Froome

Chris Froome celebrated his Tour de France victory last night (Central European Summer Time) in front of a glowing Arc de Triomphe on the Champs-Elysees, as organizers held the final stage at night for the first time to mark the race's 100th anniversary. "To win the 100th edition is an honour beyond any I've dreamed," Froome said. "This yellow jersey will stand the test of time." For Froome, who defended the race lead for 13 stages, the finish line in Paris could not have come soon enough. He completed more than 2,100 miles in 83 hours and 56 minutes. After appearing to be superhuman during the Tour's first two weeks, Froome showed signs of fatigue on the final days in the Alps. On Thursday's stage on l'Alpe d'Huez, Froome lost ground to Colombian rider Nairo Quintana and Spain's Joaquin Rodriguez. But I don't really care, as long as that drug cheat Lance Armstrong didn't win. And I hope Froome isn't also pumped up on steroids. But the people of a town in Colorado are pumped up about government drones, and to that end, Deer Trail is considering a measure that would allow its residents to hunt for federal drones and shoot them down. "Is it illegal? Of course it is. But it's also illegal to spy on American citizens," resident Phillip Steel told CNN in a phone interview. "If they fly in town, we will shoot them down." Steel said he wrote the ordinance after he learned the Federal Aviation Administration "loosened regulations that would allow the flight of drones in domestic airspace." The Town Board of Trustees will vote on the drone ordinance in two weeks time. If passed, it would legalize the sale of drone hunting licenses for US$25 and offer bounties for captured drones. Six trustees and the mayor make up the board. It would take a simple majority vote (just four out of seven) to pass the ordinance. But they should remember that drones, which are cheaper to operate than helicopters, are good at more than just spying. They can be used for multiple tasks, such as monitoring crops and livestock, and assessing building damage (to name a few). So anyone in Deer Trail who does get a license to hunt drones should remember to be selective about which drones to hunt down and which ones to leave alone.

Glee lives on even though Monteith won't

After Fox TV announced on Friday that "Glee" would resume production in August — after delaying due to the death of actor Cory Monteith — show creator Ryan Murphy explained that the decision to continue filming ultimately rested with actress Lea Michele. "The person who made the decision was Lea, who felt that the best thing for the cast and crew was to be together and to get back to work," Murphy said, in an interview with E! News. "We decided to do that with Lea's blessing and we're going to go back to work and have grief counselors on the set for two weeks because people are really hurting." Murphy added that if Michele had wanted to walk away from the show altogether, he would have pulled the plug. But even if they did pull the plug, it wouldn't have been the first time a TV series was pulled after one of the stars died. In the late 80s, there was a TV show on called My Sister Sam. They pulled it after one of the stars, Rebecca Schaeffer, was fatally shot on Nelson Mandela's 71st birthday. And speaking of Nelson Mandela, The Weinstein Company released the first official U.S. trailer for Nelson Mandela biopic, Long Walk to Freedom, last week. It arrived just in time for the former South African president's 95th birthday. Mandela, who led his nation out of apartheid, has been hospitalized in Pretoria for more than one month with a lung infection. In this video, actor Idris Elba steps into the shoes of a younger Mandela, taking viewers through a journey from the revolutionary's childhood in a rural village to his inauguration as South Africa's first democratically elected president — including all the hardships in between.

Take Back the Twentieth

There is little about the horror that unfolded in a dark Colorado movie theater that Eugene Han and Kirstin Davis can forget. There's the sound of the gunfire, the screams, and the chaos that followed as James Holmes opened fire in a rampage that left 12 people dead and 58 wounded, among them Han and Davis. One year later, the couple are taking back THAT day, replacing the fear they felt with the love they have for one another, when they marry today (Mountain Daylight Time) - a year to the day of the shooting rampage. "My thought process was that everyone has a date that they want to get married on that means something special to them," Han said Thursday on CNN's Piers Morgan Live. "For us, it was a night of terror and all that. So we wanted to change the date and, you know, make it our own." But enough about that because a machine that takes sweat-laden clothes and turns the moisture into drinking water is in use in Sweden. The device, which promotes a Unicef campaign highlighting the fact that 780 million people in the world lack access to clean water, spins and heats the material to remove the sweat, and then passes the vapour through a special membrane designed to only let water molecules get through. Since its Monday launch, its creators say more than 1,000 people have "drunk other's sweat" in Gothenburg. They add the liquid is cleaner than local tap water. That's actually quite a bold claim they're making, because drinking sweat is disgusting. If you want to drink a liquid made from sweat, that's fine but I'm not drinking somebody else's sweat, especially if they're charging for it. It's just not worth it.

VLC goes back into the iOS game

VLC, the media player that enables users to watch nearly every video format on iOS devices, is back after a two-year hiatus. A spin-off of the popular desktop version, VideoLAN's VLC was pulled from the App Store due to open source licensing issues a few months after launch in October 2010. The problems have been settled now, and the app is currently being rolled out for both the iPhone and the iPad. But that's not all - several new features are on the table as well, including AirPlay support, network streaming, background audio playback, subtitles support, video filters, and Dropbox integration. These are all great features but they don't stack up to this: Cambodian opposition leader Sam Rainsy arrived in Phnom Penh nine days before a national election, ending a four-year exile after receiving a royal pardon for charges he says were politically motivated. Thousands of cheering supporters greeted Sam Rainsy, who stood on a makeshift stage at the airport to greet the crowd, according to live footage on his Cambodia National Rescue Party’s website. The former finance minister has lived abroad since 2009 to avoid jail time for falsifying maps and inciting racial discrimination. King Norodom Sihamoni pardoned Sam Rainsy last week following a request from Prime Minister Hun Sen, who has ruled the country in various coalitions since 1985. Cambodians will pick a new parliament on July 28.

A knife with a nose

An "intelligent" knife that can sniff out tumours to improve cancer surgery has been developed by scientists. The Imperial College London team hope to overcome the dangerous and common problem of leaving bits of the tumour in a patient, which can then regrow. Early results, in the journal Science Translational Medicine, showed the "iKnife" could accurately identify cancerous tissue on the spot. It is now being tested in clinical trials to see if it saves lives, which it hopefully will. But enough about that because Papiss Cisse has reportedly withdrawn from Newcastle's pre-season tour of Portugal after refusing to wear a club sponsor's logo on religious grounds. The Senegal striker, who is a Muslim, told club officials he was not prepared to promote Wonga, a firm which offers short-term, high-interest loans. So what does that have to do with Islam? Islamic law forbids borrowing or paying money with interest, also known as riba. 28-year-old Cisse did offer to wear an unbranded shirt or one bearing a charity logo instead. Newcastle United should at the very least consider such a compromise, because other sports teams have made concessions to the faith of their Muslim players. For example, South African cricketer Hashim Amla has been allowed to wear shirts without the logo of team sponsor Castle Lager because of the Islamic prohibition of alcohol consumption.

Death By School Meal: The True Indian Story

If Jamie Oliver isn't a good enough reason for you not to trust the free school meals, here's another: at least 21 children have died and dozens more have fallen sick after eating a tainted school meal in India's eastern state of Bihar. The poisoning occurred at a government school in the village of Masrakh in Saran district. A probe has been launched and 200,000 rupees (almost NZ$4,300) in compensation offered to the families of each of the dead. Speaking of the dead, Cory Monteith, star of the hit TV musical comedy Glee, died from a heroin and alcohol overdose, a coroner in British Columbia has announced. The 31-year-old Canadian actor, who played Finn Hudson in the Fox TV hit, was found dead in a Vancouver hotel room on Saturday. Monteith, who had been in the musical comedy since its 2009 start, was treated for drug addiction in April. But enough about that because robot cars are closer to being a reality. The driverless cars will be tested on public roads by the end of 2013, according to the British government. So far, UK trials of the autonomous vehicles have taken place only on private land. Driverless cars are guided by a system of sensors and cameras and are seen as potentially safer and more efficient than regular vehicles. I can think of at least one way that this safety can be realised: if the person sitting where the driver's seat used to be has been drinking or doing drugs, it won't matter because the car is driving itself instead of being under the control of somebody under the influence. But it could also put people out of a job if said job relies mainly on driving vehicles.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Sharks

A teenage girl has been killed by a shark while swimming off the French island of Reunion in the Indian Ocean. The 15-year-old victim, who had travelled from mainland France to visit her father in Reunion, was attacked yesterday while snorkelling a few metres from the shore at Saint-Paul on the west coast, local officials say. It is the second fatal shark attack near the island so far this year. This is why sharks need to go. They are a danger to humans and many good (and not so good) people fall victim to them every day. Sharks are an unnecessary waste of space which could go to more deserving species. So if you're planning a trip to Reunion (or anywhere else for that matter), then remember to bring a harpoon. You never know when you will need it.

Gotta live, gotta live gotta live, in a crap town

It’s the scourge of tourist boards across Britain. Now the increasingly infamous publication "Crap Towns" has published its long list for 2013. Of 100 maligned British villages, towns, and cities on the list, a shortlisted 50 will be included in a book, "Crap Towns Returns," to be released in October. Readers nominate towns for inclusion in the list; these are often places they live in or grew up in and escaped from. Perpetuating a tradition of eloquent British miserabilism that stretches from Robert Burton’s 17th-century "Anatomy of Melancholy," through the poetry of Philip Larkin and the Gothic pop lyrics of The Smiths, "Crap Towns" encourages readers to supplement their nominations with lyrically bleak descriptions. The result is a publication the Sunday Telegraph has praised as a “Domesday book of misery.” It may well be utter misery to find the name of your town in that book, but there's no misery in the fact that scientists say they have found a more accurate way to measure time. We currently use atomic clocks to count the seconds, but tests on an alternative atomic timekeeper have revealed that it is more precise. The devices, called optical lattice clocks, lost just one second every 300 million years - making them three times as accurate as current atomic clocks. Writing in Nature Communications, the team said they offered a better system for defining the second. That's actually quite impressive, but another clock is also undergoing development - an ion clock. This clock loses just one second every few billion years, but because it relies on a single ion, it is not yet deemed to be stable enough for widespread use. So just stick to the optical lattice model until the ion clock can be perfected.

Sum Ting Wong with the pilots' names

A TV station in the US has apologised after making a jaw-dropping error while reporting on Asiana Flight 214. The mistake? KTVU told viewers the names of the pilots onboard the crashed plane were "Sum Ting Wong," "Wi Tu Lo," "Ho Lee Fuk," and "Bang Ding Ow" - names that were obviously fake and racially offensive. Newsreader Tori Campbell didn't even bat an eyelid as she read out the names in a serious tone. And speaking of bats, vandals smashed car windows with a bat in a string of attacks in Tauranga last night. Police received several calls after a group travelling in a white hatchback targeted parked cars in Carmichael Rd, Christopher St, and Devonport Rd last night. Police said it appeared the group had been attacking the cars with a bat-type object, smashing the car windows and panels. That is not cool. People should not go round smashing cars. And they also shouldn't use their beliefs as an excuse not to help out their patients. Case in point: Blenheim woman Melissa Pont thought her doctor was "joking" when he refused to give the contraceptive pill. 23-year-old Pont had recently moved to Blenheim with her fiance, Callum Alexander, and went to see Dr Joseph Lee at the Wairau Community Clinic to renew her prescription of the contraceptive pill. "I went in and all I needed was a repeat of the pill and he said he would not give me a prescription because he was 'pro-life'," Pont told The Press today. "I thought he was joking. It didn't seem real that he would not give it to me. I started getting quite annoyed, especially as I had just waited an hour in reception." Lee recommended Pont use the "rhythm" contraceptive method, an un-reliable method of using a calendar and not having sex on "fertile" days. That's just stupid. Part of Lee's job involves putting his anti-choice beliefs aside and helping out his patient, because that's what doctors are supposed to do.

A new pair of genes

A disease which robs children of the ability to walk and talk has been cured by pioneering gene therapy to correct errors in their DNA, say doctors. The study, in the journal Science, showed the three patients were now going to school. A second study published at the same time has shown a similar therapy reversing a severe genetic disease affecting the immune system. Gene therapy researchers said it was a "really exciting" development. Both diseases are caused by errors in the patient's genetic code - the manual for building and running their bodies. Gene therapy has come so far in recent times - clinical trials have succeeded in treating Parkinson's and giving mice back their sense of smell. So to all you naysayers stuck in the past, I have this to say to you: you can't stop progress. And you can't stop Gangnam Style either - it's almost at 1.75 billion views.

Return of the Typewriter: Kremlin Style

Russia's agency responsible for the Kremlin security is buying typewriters - a move reportedly prompted by recent leaks by WikiLeaks and Edward Snowden. A 486,540-rouble (almost NZ$19000) order for electric typewriters has been placed by the FSO agency on the state procurement website. The FSO has not commented on why it needs the old-fashioned devices. But an agency source told Russia's Izvestiya newspaper the aim was to prevent leaks from computer hardware. "After scandals with the distribution of secret documents by WikiLeaks, the exposes by Edward Snowden, and reports about Dmitry Medvedev being bugged during his visit to the G20 London summit in 2009, it has been decided to expand the practice of creating paper documents," the source said. The source added that typewriters were already being used at Russia's defence and emergencies ministries for drafts and secret notes, and some reports had been prepared for President Vladimir Putin by typewriter. It's nice to see that the old gadgets still have a use in this smartphone- and tablet-dominated era, but typewriters can't compare to the camera on Nokia's Lumia 1020. The new handset has a 41 megapixel sensor which Nokia claims can record "details never thought possible from a smartphone". It says consumers will be able to zoom in and reframe their photos without worrying about the image quality suffering. Analysts who have tested the device said that it was "without doubt" the best smartphone camera on the market. But they added that was not a guarantee that it would be a bestseller, especially considering there can only be one bestseller in that department: the iPhone. But their App Store is populated by many "zombie" programs which get next-to-no downloads, new research suggests. Figures from tracking service Adeven indicate over two-thirds of apps in the store are barely ever installed by consumers. However Apple has said that 90% of all apps in the marketplace - which is marking its five-year anniversary - are downloaded at least once a month. Just remember, guys, that it only needs as little as 12 downloads each year to come to at least one a month. Nevertheless, Apple boss Tim Cook said the store had "fundamentally changed the world". Speaking to app developers at the firm's recent developer's conference, the chief executive said: "Customers love the buying experience and they love your incredible apps. And they have now downloaded 50 billion apps. "That's a lot of zeros and a truly staggering number." Too bad none of those are being ordered by the Kremlin.

PC continues its dive

Global personal computer (PC) sales have fallen for the fifth quarter in a row, making it the "longest duration of decline" in history. Worldwide PC shipments totalled 76 million units in the second quarter, a 10.9% drop from a year earlier, according to research firm Gartner. PC sales have been hurt in recent years by the growing popularity of tablets. And if you think that the Mayans had something to do with this, they didn't. It's just a sign of the market evolving. And speaking of evolution, a somewhat tongue-in-cheek article in The Guardian is proposing some rather interesting predictions for the future of humanity — changes to human form and function that would even make some of the X-Men jealous. To make his predictions, Dean Burnett worked under the assumption that biotechnology will be used to address ongoing selectional pressures. "Evolution is obviously a complex process," he writes, "But it's also a slow process. This means you can make claims about it and by the time it progresses to the point where you're proved right or wrong, you'll be long dead so it won't matter." Ultimately, the question he asks is, what could humans end up being like if current cultural trends and features remain relatively constant over the next few million years? To find out, click here.

Lats to go

Latvia will adopt the euro from the beginning of next year, becoming the 18th member of a currency union that just a year ago risked disintegration due to the credit crisis. European Union finance ministers gave the ex-Soviet state on the Baltic Sea the green light Tuesday to swap its currency - the lats - for euros starting on Jan. 1, following recommendations from EU officials and the European Central Bank. That's good news, but even better is that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev will appear in public for the first time since his arrest in the Boston bombings. And I hope that that bellend is given the chair.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Whaling

Japan is defending its whale hunting in the Southern Ocean, following New Zealand's fourth visit to The Hague supporting Australia's action against the country's whaling. Attorney-General Chris Finlayson presented to the International Court of Justice in the Netherlands last night in what is the third and final week of Australia's court battle against Japanese whaling. The Australian Government wants the 16-judge panel to ban Tokyo's annual hunt on the basis it is not "for purposes of scientific research" as allowed under Article Eight of the 1946 International Convention for the Regulation of Whaling. They should ban it because in a series of cruel and heartless acts, Japan has killed more than 14,000 whales in the name of science since 1986, most of those in the Southern Ocean. The nation is defending its research programme, which is just a lie to cover up their greedy and money-hungry ways. Commercial whaling, whether conducted openly or under the guise of science, is a cruel and outdated practice which produces no science of value. The court's decision will be important not only for whales in the Southern Ocean Whale Sanctuary, but for future compliance with all multilateral environmental agreements.

The rules need to be interchanged

I have never quite worked out when you know something is wrong why you then wait before you fix it. The trackpad on my laptop hasn't worked since the end of March, but I have a USB mouse that will just have to do for now because it's cheaper than getting the trackpad fixed. That's a problem that can be worked around, but your hot water isn't. If your hot water service breaks down, do you give it a few weeks before calling in a plumber? I wouldn't. So why wait until season’s end to fix up a rule that clearly should never have been put in place? Good question. And the people who should prepare to answer it are the AFL. Rather than castigate the individual responsible, they should use Saturday night’s interchange disaster as the catalyst to correct a rule that is a blight on the competition. The mistake was made at the 18-minute mark of the last quarter when Geelong’s Josh Hunt was deemed to have illegally entered the field of play, providing Hawthorn’s David Hale with a 50-metre penalty which he converted from straight in front 30m out. The collective group of so-called geniuses on the Rules Committee who came up with the penalty should now be big enough to admit the punishment far exceeds the crime, and change is required.

Speaking of change, the new series of Singapore coins (pictured) put into circulation on June 25 will take some getting used to, going by the initial public reception. The main issue, said several business owners and members of the public whom My Paper spoke to yesterday, was how similar the new 50-cent coin felt in weight and size to the 20-cent coin from the previous series. Ms Caren Tan, who runs a newsstand at HDB Hub in Toa Payoh, said: "It's confusing as the old 50-cent coin is much bigger. We must be careful when collecting money (from customers)." Mr C. H. Chong, who works as an engineer, said he will "take some time to get used to" the new 50-cent coin. Coffee-shop owner Kenneth Lee said that about 10 patrons who received the new coins did not recognise them at first glance. He said: "We may have to wait a month or two before customers become familiar with the new coins." So what? I like their new coins. I liked their old coins too, but I do like their new coins. They could also put out a $2 coin.

A penny for baby

There's a treat in store for anyone in Britain whose baby arrives on the same day that Prince William and his wife, Catherine, deliver a royal heir - the gift of a coin from the Royal Mint to celebrate the birth. The silver penny will be dated 2013 and come in a blue pouch for a boy or a pink one for a girl. To claim the silver coin, UK parents whose baby's birth coincides with that of the royal baby will have to register through the Royal Mint's Facebook page and upload a scanned copy of the birth certificate within 60 days. It is making 2,013 of the coins available. But what won't be available is a cheese that has mites in it. Indignation is growing among cheese-lovers in France and the US after Washington slapped an import ban on said cheese, known as mimolette, at the end of May, leaving 1.5 tonnes of the item impounded at a warehouse. American food inspectors object to the use of mites to refine its flavour. So what if the cheese has mites in it? That could be something worth trying. But what isn't worth trying is this new fad where men are secretly seeking and spreading HIV. The reckless practice, known as bug chasing, started in the US as a bizarre means of getting a ­sexual high from risk-taking. Now, according to one man who willingly caught the virus, hundreds of men in the UK are introducing themselves on online forums, Face­book groups, and Twitter. Many then meet up and try to transmit the potentially life-threatening virus, which attacks the ­immune system weakening the body’s ability to fight disease. Some bug-chasers actually claim the virus gives them a better quality of life because of the medication they subsequently have to take. This is stupid and highly irresponsible. Nobody should want HIV. Bug chasing needs to be ­addressed, and people need to be aware of the risks from a young age and receive the help they need if they are feeling compelled to act this way.

Snowden soon to live the Venezuelan dream

Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro has offered asylum to U.S. intelligence leaker Edward Snowden, the state-run AVN news agency reported yesterday, without offering details. The report came shortly after Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega said he would grant Snowden asylum in his country "if the circumstances permit." Ortega didn't elaborate on his announcement, made during a speech in Managua, except to say his country is "open and respectful to the right of asylum." "It's clear that that if the circumstances permit it we will gladly receive Snowden and will grant him asylum here in Nicaragua," Ortega said. Meanwhile, an Icelandic lawmaker said Snowden would not get citizenship there, as he had requested, because Iceland's parliament refused to vote on an asylum proposal before ending its current session. That doesn't really matter too much because Snowden has been granted asylum and can now leave Moscow after being holed up at Sheremetyevo International Airport since June 23, when he arrived from Hong Kong. Being granted asylum also means that Snowden can enjoy Rapiro, which is a humanoid robot that can be programmed to do various tasks — including make you coffee. The kit was created by a Japanese company as a "catalyst between robotics and Raspberry Pi." The credit-card sized, Linux-based PC known as Raspberry Pi is designed to work with the basic hardware of Rapiro, allowing you to program it to do many things, such as manage your calendar or tell you the weather, in addition to making the coffee. Sadly, one person that won't be able to enjoy it goes by the name Simon Jonathan Thompson. The 52-year-old has been charged with the murder of his 11-year-old daughter Rebecca, who was found strangled in her Hertfordshire home. She was found in her home in Bushey by police on Saturday 22 June. Mr Thompson will appear before Hatfield Remand Court today (British Summer Time), Hertfordshire Police said. Earlier, Rebecca's head teacher, Rita Cooper, from Sacred Heart Primary School in Bushey, said she was a "hard working" girl who "did well in her learning" and "was looking forward to secondary school".

Morales turns negative over Snowden false positive

President Evo Morales has threatened to close the US embassy in Bolivia after his official plane was banned from European airspace. The warning came as four other South American leaders offered him support at a special summit yesterday. His plane was forced to land in Austria on Tuesday after France, Portugal, Italy, and Spain apparently barred it from flying through their airspace. There were unfounded suspicions that US fugitive Edward Snowden was on board, when in actual fact, the former CIA contractor is believed to be holed up at the transit area of Moscow airport after leaking details of a vast US surveillance programme. But enough about that because transgender students in California would be able to choose which school bathrooms and locker rooms to use and which sport teams to join based on their gender identity under a measure approved this week by the California Legislature. The proposal now awaits the signature of Gov. Jerry Brown, whose office has declined to comment on whether or not he will sign it. The proposal would be the first state law in the nation that specifically requires equal access to public school facilities and activities based on gender identity, though some states have general policies to the same effect, said Shannon Price Minter, legal director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights, one of several groups backing the legislation. Also in need of backing is an atheist group who unveiled the nation’s first public monument to secularism outside a county courthouse in Florida last week. That's right, the courthouse is now home to a 1,500-pound gray granite bench engraved with quotations extolling the separation of church and state. The group American Atheists said it had decided to put up its own monument only after failing to force Bradford County to remove the six-ton statue of the Ten Commandments that a Christian group had put up nearby. The atheist group has vowed to erect 50 more such monuments around the country on public sites where the Ten Commandments now stand alone. It says that an anonymous donor will foot that bill — the monument in Florida cost about US$6,000 — and that it is hearing from atheists who are already offering to serve as plaintiffs in lawsuits if there is opposition and lead the charge in their communities. It's not a bad idea. In fact, they should build monuments to many other religions because true equality means all or none. Christian have had an unfair privilege for at least the last 150 years, so it's time that they be stripped of their privilege and brought to equality with other belief systems.

Morsi is no more-si

World leaders respond to the dramatic events in Egypt following the army's overthrow of the first democratically elected president, Mohammed Morsi, after days of anti-government unrest. The army's move to suspend the constitution has drawn a cautious response from leaders in the Western world, with many calling for restraint and a peaceful transition of power. Some countries in the Gulf, however, have welcomed Morsi's ousting. But now that the army are back in power, they need to move quickly and responsibly to return full authority back to a democratically elected civilian government as soon as possible through an inclusive and transparent process, and to avoid any arbitrary arrests of Morsi and his supporters. The chance of a democratic future was already hard won for Egypt by the Egyptian people two and a half years ago, and with that in mind, military intervention should not be necessary to resolve disputes in a democratic system. The preservation of fundamental rights, including freedom of speech and assembly, remains of vital importance. Also of vital importance is a pyramid in Peru that was bulldozed. Authorities say the pyramid, situated at the oldest archaeological site near the capital, has been destroyed. They are pressing criminal charges against two real-estate companies blamed for tearing down the structure, which was 6 metres high. The pyramid in question was one of 12 found at the El Paraiso complex near Lima and is thought to be at least 4,000 years old. According to Peru's tourism ministry, it was a religious and administrative centre long before the pre-Columbian Inca civilisation. That was just not on. Bulldozing ancient ruins for one's own agenda is a symbol of greed and disrespect. Those bellends have committed irreparable damage to a page of Peruvian history.

A real fecal storm's a-brewin'

Germany's standard dictionary has included a vulgar English term, used by Chancellor Angela Merkel among others, as an acceptable German word. Duden, the equivalent of the Oxford English Dictionary in the UK, said it was reflecting the common use of the word "shitstorm" among Germans. The word, which is used in German to denote a public outcry, seems to have caught on during the eurozone crisis. And speaking of public outcries, Mohammed Morsi has insisted he remains the legitimate president of Egypt, as mass protests claimed more lives in the capital, Cairo. In a late-night TV address, Mr Morsi rejected an army ultimatum that the crisis be resolved by today (local time). Mr Morsi said he would not be dictated to and urged protesters to remain peaceful. However, at least 16 people died at one pro-Morsi rally overnight. That does not fit my definition, or anyone else's, of a peaceful protest. But it's still better news than a flight that got diverted unnecessarily. That's right, Bolivian President Evo Morales's plane had to be diverted to Austria amid suspicion that US intelligence leaker Edward Snowden, who is reportedly seeking asylum in Bolivia and 20 other countries to avoid extradition to the US, was on board. Officials in both Austria and Bolivia said Mr Snowden was not on the plane. France and Portugal reportedly refused to allow the Moscow-Bolivia flight to cross their airspace after they had closed their airspace over the "huge lie" that Mr Snowden was on board. I'm sure they meant well, but this is just overkill. What if every single flight in the world is diverted over something silly like that? Nobody would get anywhere if that rubbish became a habit.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Rocket explosions

Just like the Challenger 27 years before it, an unmanned Russian rocket veered off course and exploded in a fireball today, seconds after liftoff from a launch pad in Kazakhstan. There were no immediate reports of casualties. The Proton-M rocket was carrying three satellites for Russia's Global Navigation Satellite System, (also known as Glonass or Globalnaya navigatsionnaya sputnikovaya sistema), reported the RIA Novosti news agency. But what is this Glonass toy's use, I hear you ask? Glonass is the Russian equivalent to the United States' Global Positioning System, or GPS. It both complements and provides an alternative to the United States' Global Positioning System (GPS) and is the only alternative navigational system in operation with global coverage and of comparable precision. But why not just stick with regular GPS? If they'd done that, then that would be one less project to send stuff up in the air for, one less source of space junk, and one less reason to put rockets at risk of exploding. It's just not worth it.

Cirque du Soleil becomes Cirque du Fatal Fall

Croatia has become the 28th member of the European Union, with crowds joining celebrations in the capital Zagreb. Fireworks lit the sky as membership became effective at midnight local time, with President Ivo Josipovic describing the event as historic. It comes almost two decades after Croatia's brutal war of independence. But correspondents say enthusiasm for the EU in the country has been dampened by the eurozone crisis, and by Croatia's own economic problems. But there is a chance that Croatia can make it work. Not working, however, is the Muslim Brotherhood government in Egypt, according to anti-government protesters who have stormed the Brotherhood's headquarters in Cairo. Protesters across Egypt have accused President Mohammed Morsi of failing to tackle economic and security problems since being elected a year ago. His supporters have insisted he needs more time, which he probably does. But sadly, there is no more time for an acrobat in the famous Cirque du Soleil. The acrobat, Paris-born Sarah Guyard-Guillot, died after falling off a stage during a show in Las Vegas. She had performed in the Ka show at the MGM Grand since 2006. Guyard-Guillot, who is also a mother of two, was pronounced dead late on Saturday night in hospital after falling 15 metres from the stage. Her death is believed to be the first fatality during a live performance in the show's 30-year history.

All stung up and no place to go

We have made it halfway through 2013, and the Bellend of the Month for June 2013 is Larry Goodwin. He was a man from Texas who died after a swarm of Africanized bees disturbed by his tractor attacked, stinging him more than 1,000 times early this month. The bees were living inside an old chicken coop that 62-year-old Goodwin was pushing over to clear off his property, neighbor John Puckett told CNN affiliate KCEN-TV. "He lifted the whole hive and disturbed them all and they just came swarming out of there and trapped him on his tractor," Puckett said. His daughter and neighbors rushed to help, but they said there was nothing they could do to save Goodwin. This is why people shouldn't disturb beehives, especially those of Africanized bees. Africanized honey bees, which are hybrids of African and European bees, can be highly defensive around their nests and swarm more frequently than other honey bees. If Goodwin had been more careful around his hive, he would still be alive today.

Penis chopper off to the cooler

A southern California woman convicted of cutting off the penis of her then-husband and throwing it into a garbage disposal was given a life sentence yesterday with the possibility of parole after seven years, authorities said. Catherine Kieu and her husband were going through a divorce at the time of the July 2011 incident, which was widely compared to the 1993 attack against John Wayne Bobbitt by his then-wife Lorena, who cut off his penis with an 8-inch carving knife while he slept. Kieu laced her husband's dinner with the sleep medication Ambien after they had an argument over a friend possibly staying with them at a later date. When the husband went to sleep, Kieu tied his legs and arms to the four corners of the bed, and when he awoke, she pulled down his pants and severed his penis with a knife. Kieu then threw the severed penis into the garbage disposal, turned it on, and mutilated it. You don't just cut off someone's privates like that, especially if it was over something as stupid as whether or not a friend should stay for a few days. But because Kieu, who is a native of Vietnam, didn't know any better, she will be serving seven years to life for one felony count of torture, one felony count of aggravated mayhem, and a sentencing enhancement for the personal use of a knife. I hope that gives her enough time to reflect on her nasty lapse in judgement.

Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy, Oi Oi Oi

Kevin Rudd has been sworn in as prime minister for a second time, three years after being deposed, and now faces the daunting task of reworking policy and replacing more than one third of the cabinet just months before an election. I wish him luck with that, but there is somebody in Japan who will need it more. That person is Hoji Takahashi, and he is suing Japan's national broadcaster, NHK, for "mental distress" caused by an excessive use of words borrowed from English. Mr. Takahashi is seeking 1.4 million yen (NZ$18000) in damages from NHK. Mr Takahashi, who is a member of a campaign group supporting the Japanese language, highlighted words such as "toraburu" (trouble), "risuku" (risk), and "shisutemu" (system) in NHK's news and entertainment programmes. He accused NHK of irresponsibility by refusing to use native Japanese equivalents. "The basis of his concern is that Japan is being too Americanised," his lawyer Mutsuo Miyata told the news agency AFP. That lawsuit is just stupid. I would never file suit against a TV channel over their choice of language or programming. If he doesn't like the programme, he should watch something else or go tend to his rock garden.

Squeaky clone end for Madiba

For years tyre giant Goodyear has been trying to stem losses at a plant in northern France, but has failed to persuade unions to agree to its plans. Now it wants to close the factory, and the battle has moved to the courts. How much longer can the struggle continue? That's the same question we should be asking about Nelson Mandela. The condition of the former South African leader has deteriorated in the last few days, presidential spokesman Mac Maharaj has said. The announcement came as President Jacob Zuma cancelled a trip to Mozambique following consultations with Mr Mandela's doctors. While the life of a great person is ending, a new life is beginning over in Japan - in mouse form. That's right, scientists in Japan have cloned a mouse from a single drop of blood. Circulating blood cells collected from the tail of a donor mouse were used to produce the clone, a team at the Riken BioResource Center reports in the journal Biology of Reproduction. The female mouse lived a normal lifespan and could give birth to young, say the researchers. Scientists at a linked institute recently created nearly 600 exact genetic copies of one mouse. With numbers like that, there is the possibility that this could be used to restore endangered species to their former glory, so think before you oppose this important scientific development.

Blerk betters the perc

The days of keeping piles of coffee loyalty cards in wallets may be over, thanks to a Hamilton-based civil engineer-turned-coffee maestro. Hendrik van Blerk and his team have developed the new technology on one app and there are plans to take the technology New Zealand-wide. With the app, all loyalty cards can be stored on phones and will register patronage, alert the user to benefits, and renew cards when they have been filled. All users have to do is download the free app for iOS or Android, go to their favourite coffee outlet or cafe, and ask if they are using SmartCoffeeCard. Each participating cafe has a unique QR code. Cafe and coffee outlets get benefits too. SmartCoffeeCard's users are listed on their website with details like the type of beans the cafe uses and a link to the roaster's website. This could be a great app for both coffee shop and customer to look into and potentially benefit from. Also set to benefit from recent developments are pregnant women seeking abortions in Texas, because a vote on a new law which could close most of the abortion clinics in the US state of Texas came too late to pass. The senate had approved the bill, which bans abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy and requires all procedures to take place in surgical centres. But Texas Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst later confirmed that the vote had not met a midnight deadline. This is why meeting deadlines is important. No matter what side you are on regarding abortion or any other hot-button issue, it would be a lot better for you if you meet deadlines as often as possible.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Robbery

That's right, robbery. And yet some people still do it. A man, who tried to rob a group of people waiting in line to buy the new $180 LeBron James sneakers, was shot and killed when one of the customers pulled out a gun. The incident took place before dawn Saturday outside a shoe store in Atlanta's Little Five Points area. The group was waiting for the store to open for the day so they could buy the LeBron X Denim on its first day of release. Police said the man approached the group with a gun in hand and tried to rob them. One of the men in the group, who was not charged with a crime, took out his own handgun and fired at the robber. That bellend deserved to be shot because this is some very serious fire he was playing with. You don't just attempt to rob a bunch of people and expect that your evil plans will succeed. Case in point: last September, I went to see Hotel Transylvania. Even though I had paid extra for a 3D session, the cinema put the 2D version in the projector, ripping off not just me but everyone else who went to that particular screening. But I got the last laugh when I snuck into another 3D session at the same venue the following day. So if you're going to play with that grade of fire, then don't expect not to get burnt.

It's critical now

South Africans are heading to work in a sombre mood as they await news on former President Nelson Mandela. The South African presidency announced on Sunday evening that Mr Mandela had become critical, even though doctors were "doing everything possible". A senior official said South Africans should not hold out "false hopes". Neither should Edward Snowden, who is apparently considering applying for asylum in Ecuador. Washington is urging Moscow to send Snowden back to the United States instead of letting him fly to Ecuador for asylum. Snowden, a computer contractor who exposed details of secret U.S. surveillance programs, is a man on the run. After being holed up in Hong Kong for weeks, he took a flight to Moscow on Sunday, with help from the anti-secrecy group WikiLeaks. His next destination is believed to be Ecuador, who has already given WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange refuge in its embassy in London for a year after he unsuccessfully fought extradition to Sweden in British courts. But he should remember that asylum is granted on a case-by-case basis and just because Assange got asylum doesn't necessarily mean Snowden will. But enough about that because Hostess is betting on a sweet comeback for Twinkies when they return to shelves next month. The company went bankrupt after an acrimonious fight with its unionized workers last year, but is back up and running under new owners and a leaner structure. It says it plans to have Twinkies and other snack cakes back on shelves starting July 15.

1200 POSTS!

Should you skip the bedtime stories and do math problems instead? Laura Overdeck, the founder of "Bedtime Math," thinks so. Her mission: to make math friendlier in a way by introducing kids to math problems at an early age. Here's her plan. You get your kids into their PJs. You tuck them in with a math equation on top of their bedtime story. And you can find a sample of her bedtime math puzzles here. But the question on everybody's minds: will this really be of use to anybody? I know one thing that won't be: roads in part of Bristol city centre have been closed today in the city's first car-free Sunday. Baldwin Street, King Street, and Corn Street are among the roads shut to traffic in Mayor George Ferguson's Make Sunday Special initiative. It is the first of five monthly events aimed at opening up the centre of Bristol for pedestrians. But some people claim Mr Ferguson - who is closing the roads from 9am to 6pm local time - is anti-motorist. The city has been crowned the European Green Capital for 2015 and the traffic free Sunday idea was part of the bid. This has the germ of a good idea. The problem is that UK roads and city centres in particular do not lend themselves to this kind of initiative. And speaking of initiative, here's a poor use for it: nearly 300 children have strangled to death or were seriously injured by window-blind cords since 1996, and at least ten of those have been in military housing where residents often are prohibited from making changes that might have prevented the deaths, according to a safety advocacy group. The deaths have spurred parents into action, but they're tangling with the bureaucratic weight of the Pentagon and limited resources to sound the alarm.

Order and progress at long last?

Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff has unveiled a series of reforms in an attempt to end days of nationwide anti-government protests. The demonstrations began over transport fare rises in Sao Paulo, but quickly grew into rallies across the country against corruption and other issues. In a televised address she said she would draft a new plan to benefit public transport and that all oil royalties would be used in education. She also said that thousands of doctors would be drafted in from overseas to improve the national health service. That's a good plan and I think it will work, but I can think of another way to calm the protesters: yoga. Why yoga? New York's Times Square, one of the world's busiest crossroads, has come to a standstill to allow yoga enthusiasts to mark the summer solstice. The Manhattan square became a sea of yogis exercising in time on their mats, beneath the billboards. Tim Tompkins, co-founder of event, said part of its appeal was finding stillness and calm amid the city rush on the longest day of the year. Into its 11th year, the event has grown from three people to more than 15,000, none of which are affected by an ultimatum given to Google by the UK Information Commissioner's Office. Google have 35 days to delete any remaining data it "mistakenly collected" while taking pictures for its Street View service, or face criminal proceedings. The ICO's investigation into Google reopened last year after further revelations about the data taken from wi-fi networks. During that inquiry, additional discs containing private data were found. Google had previously pledged to destroy all data it had collected, but admitted last year that it had "accidentally" retained the additional discs. The ICO has told the search giant it must inform it if any further discs of information are discovered.

Both systems go

Samsung has unveiled a tablet that can switch between the Windows 8 and Android operating systems. The Ativ Q has a 13.3in (33.8cm) screen that sits over a keyboard that can be folded out for typing or set to act as a stand. In addition, it has a stylus. It comes just over a fortnight after Asus unveiled its own laptop-tablet hybrid which also runs both Microsoft and Google's systems. One analyst said he expected this to be a trend that other firms would follow. "It's a very cost-effective way for manufacturers to offer extra value to consumers at a time when it's very hard to differentiate benefits from one device to another," said Chris Green, who is a principal technology analyst at Davies Murphy Group. "You can tap into the industry-standard Windows productivity solutions - from Office to third-party programs - as well as all the mobile apps of Google's system. It's the logical next step." Bollocks. The logical next step would be to get rid of your rubbish device and get an iPad. Remember - if it's not an Apple, it's crapple.

No tumours for Rufus

A rodent that never gets cancer could hold the key to preventing or treating malignant tumours, say scientists. Lab studies show the skin cells of the naked mole-rat (pictured) are high in a natural sugary substance that stops tumours developing. The findings could lead to new human cancer therapies in the long term. There is one person, however, that won't be around for any of those therapies. That person, James Gandolfini, was the US actor best known for his role as a therapy-seeking mob boss in The Sopranos, and has died at the age of 51. Gandolfini suffered a possible heart attack while on holiday in Rome. The New Jersey-born star had been in Italy to attend the Taormina film festival in Sicily. He won three Emmy awards for his role as Tony Soprano, a mafia boss juggling his criminal career and family life. Rest in peace, Mr. Soprano.

Scottish manager to start career at English club in Wales

New manager David Moyes begins his reign as Manchester United manager with a trip to Swansea on the opening weekend of the season. It has also been confirmed that 33 of Man United's games next season will kick off on a Saturday afternoon at 3pm local time. In non-soccer-related news, Chinese telecommunications firm Huawei has unveiled its latest mobile handset, the Ascend P6. It is the thinnest on the market and has the most powerful front-facing camera on the market, according to the firm. But I will not be buying it because it's not an Apple product. Apple's products are one of the few things in this world that are worth the extra money. But enough about that because it is known to many a parent (and many who are not themselves parents) that getting children to take a nap can be hard. However, getting them to eat pancakes is not nearly as difficult. But how are the two related? I'll tell you how: police in Westerville, Ohio, say a 37-year-old mother operating a day care out of her home hit upon a plan - she allegedly crushed medications that cause drowsiness and put them in pancakes. The mother, whose name is Tammy Eppley, has been charged with six counts of child endangerment. Her first court date is July 12. Eppley, who runs the Caterpillar Clubhouse, cared for six children (including one of her own) between the ages of 2 and 5. That seems to be a rather fool-proof way of getting children to sleep, but it's just wrong. I mean, what if one of the children was molested or kidnapped during their nap?

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Bad customer service

Everything was going fine for Joseph Gibson, until the bill came. But it wasn't the amount on the check that angered Gibson, who had stopped at a St. Louis sports bar on Sunday to chow down. It was a line on the special order section for his young son that set him off. Under "1 -- Wing Sauce" the receipt (picture 1) read: "F***** Needy Kids." The name of the bar? Friendly's. Denny Domachowski, the general manager of Friendly's Sports Bar and Grill, told CNN the waitress meant it as a joke and intended to delete it before handing the bill to Gibson. The waitress has been reprimanded, but I would've taken it further because despite the name of the establishment, that was totally unfriendly. No customer should ever have to put up with this mistreatment. If I had come in there with my niece (picture 2) and had to endure that sort of abuse from the staff, then I wouldn't pay those losers.

Wikileaker survives a year in one place

A year has passed since Julian Assange sought refuge in Ecuador's embassy in London. While the Wikileaks founder has not gone beyond the balcony at the embassy's Knightsbridge headquarters, much movement has been going on behind the scenes. In fact, a lot of downward movement happened right here in our own back yard: a British man has survived a fall from the 15th floor of a building in New Zealand. Tom Stilwell, who is said to be in New Zealand on a working holiday, fell from his neighbour's balcony in his apartment block in Auckland at 2am yesterday. Mr Stilwell discovered he was locked out of his flat, and asked a neighbour if he could climb down from her balcony into his flat. He had been trying to lower himself onto his balcony, which was directly below his neighbour's. His fall was broken by the roof of an adjacent building, reportedly some 13 floors below. His friends said that he had bone fractures and internal injuries, but was "fine" and "a very lucky man". He should be, because it is very rare and unusual to survive a fall of that height. I hope he recovers soon.

New president for Iran, stoning in Afghanistan

Moderate cleric Hasan Rouhani was declared the winner of Iran's presidential vote yesterday after gaining support among many reform-minded Iranians looking to claw back a bit of ground after years of crackdowns. The powerful showing by the former nuclear negotiator allowed him to avoid a two-person runoff and demonstrated the strength of opposition sentiment even in a system that is gamed against it. The ruling clerics barred from the race reform candidates seen as too prominent, allowing a list of hopefuls who were mainly staunch loyalists of the supreme leader. But the opposition settled on Rouhani as the least objectionable of the bunch, making him the de facto reform candidate. Meanwhile, over the border, a doctor in Sar-i-Pul in the north of Afghanistan was reportedly thrown from a balcony and stoned by an angry mob for treating a female patient in an examining room without a chaperone. It’s not clear whether Dr. Ajmeer Hashimi was killed or severely injured and sent out of Afghanistan for medical attention, Afghan officials told the New York Times. The female patient is reportedly in good condition at a women’s shelter. It's a good thing that the woman is alive, but no doctor should be stoned just for doing his job. Doctors are there for a reason - to treat the ill and the injured. Just because his patient is a woman is the weakest excuse in the book for attempting to kill him.

Dreißig Kiwi Web-ballons

Google is launching balloons into near space to provide internet access to buildings below on the ground. About 30 of the superpressure balloons are being launched from New Zealand from where they will drift around the world on a controlled path. Attached equipment will offer 3G-like speeds to 50 testers in the country. Access will be intermittent, but in time the firm hopes to build a big enough fleet to offer reliable links to people living in remote areas. I think a better use for these would be to help people get around extensive Internet censorship should they be unfortunate enough to live under the rule of oppressive tyrants. Speaking of incompetent government, Detroit will immediately stop debt payments, city financial manager Kevyn Orr has announced, as he set out a proposal to creditors that would see them take a drastic cut on the money they are owed. The money will instead be used to keep the city operating, and US$1.25 billion will be reinvested in public services over the next decade, Orr said. Creditors were asked to accept 10 cents on the dollar of what they are due. This is not good enough. I would never accept that big a cut, but then again, I'm not one of the parties that the city owes money. Mr Orr, who is black, should instead be careful not to give the people of Detroit one more reason to call him the N-word. But I hope his plans can keep Detroit from having to file for bankruptcy in the short term.

Disabled kid loses all ability too soon

We’ve had another death in the autism community. Another lost child. Another story ended. This time, however, it could have been avoided. The child did not wander, nor was he a victim of a horrible accident. The child, 14-year-old Alex Spourdalakis of Chicago, was killed by his mother Dorothy Spourdalakis, and godmother Jolanta Agata Skrodzka. They murdered him, which was clearly the wrong thing to do. They are currently facing charges of first-degree murder for their grave misdeed, and will next appear in court on Wednesday (Central Daylight Time). Also for the record, the women also allegedly killed their cat for fear he would be sent to a shelter. I hope this story serves as both a lesson and a warning. To parents who think they have no choices left, reach out for help. There is always an answer, even if it means you have to surrender your child to keep him/her alive. To those who would profit from autism, you disgust me. You prey on the vulnerable, and your demise can not come soon enough. To everyone, be aware of the special needs families in your lives. Reach out to them in any way you are able. Even the smallest gesture can make a rough time easier. Learn a little about autism, and autistic individuals. Alex Spourdalakis did not have to die. But because he did, we will learn to be better. We have to. And so does African warlord Joseph Kony. He and his struggling militia are reportedly poaching elephant ivory across central Africa to get funds for weapons, ammunition, and food. Kony is wanted by the International Criminal Court for alleged war crimes. He is accused of recruiting underage boys as fighters and girls as sex slaves, and is the subject of a massive manhunt aided by U.S special forces. His militia, the Lord's Resistance Army, has been butchering elephants for years, according to a report released last Tuesday by various groups, two of said groups being the Enough Project and the Satellite Sentinel Project. Kony's antics need to stop. The sooner this happens, the better it will be for all of us.

#hashtags #nowonfacebook

Facebook is adding support for hashtags to help its members keep track of popular topics being discussed on the social network. That's right, adding the "#" sign to a word will turn it into a clickable link which brings up a feed of what other people are saying about the same topic. Using hashtags to identify a theme was popularised on the internet by Twitter. Other services that support hashtags include Pinterest, Tumblr, Google+, Sina Weibo, LinkedIn, and Instagram, the last-named of which is owned by Facebook. But now that Facebook has joined the #hashtagrevolution, their site can now offer a "larger view of what's happening". Experts said that hashtags might also aid ad sales. But the main thing is, there is no longer any need to #saveitfortwitter because hashtags now work on Facebook. In #othernews, many of Greece's public services are in disarray because of a general strike in protest at the government's surprise move to shut down state broadcaster ERT with the loss of nearly 2,700 jobs. The 24-hour strike, which includes Greek media, began at midnight local time (9am New Zealand Standard Time). Marches under way in Athens are due to converge outside ERT's offices.

Third consecutive World Cup for the green and gold

Australia moved within one win of a place at the 2014 World Cup in Brazil after a commanding 4-0 defeat of Jordan in Group A of the Asian qualifying section. Here's how it went down in terms of scoring: veteran midfielder Mark Bresciano opened the scoring after 15 minutes in Melbourne before New York Red Bulls' Tim Cahill doubled Australia's lead with a header just past the hour mark. Winger Robbie Kruse, who recently joined Bayer Leverkusen, made it 3-0 with a fine solo effort, with captain Lucas Neill grabbing his first ever international goal to seal the rout. Good on them, as long as they don't bowl underarm in the process. But enough about that because there's been some nastiness going on. It's called "Apple picking," a growing wave of crime in which thieves target mobile devices, particularly iPhones and iPads. Now the company that gave the crime its name is taking a step to stop it, with a "kill switch"-style update aimed at making the mobile gadgets less valuable to thieves. Activation Lock will be part of iOS 7, the latest version of Apple's mobile operating system expected to roll out in the fall. The feature will require an Apple ID and password before the phone's "Find My iPhone" feature can be turned off or any data can be erased. At a keynote address opening its annual Worldwide Developers Conference, the company said the same ID and password will be needed to reactivate a device after it's been remotely erased. Also set for erasure is some of the royalties that Pandora have been paying to music publishers. The company is making a bold move in an attempt to lower those fees: It's buying a terrestrial radio station in South Dakota mainly to score lower rates. The radio station buy is the latest salvo in Pandora's ongoing legal fight with the performance-rights group American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers (ASCAP). Pandora says ASCAP discriminates against the company by charging it higher royalty rates, as well as letting publishers pull their song catalogs from Pandora while keeping them available for competitors.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Gays against gays

Jonathan Soroff lives in liberal Massachusetts with his male partner, Sam. He doesn't fit the common stereotype of an opponent of gay marriage. But like half of his friends, he does not believe that couples of the same gender should marry. "We're not going to procreate as a couple and while the desire to demonstrate commitment might be laudable, the religious traditions that have accommodated same-sex couples have had to do some fairly major contortions," says Soroff. Slamming gay marriage is one thing, but such bigoted opinions should not come from the mouth of a homosexual. You can't just turn against your own kind like that. And you can't just swim in excessively alkaline water just because it looks like a tropical beach. Because humanity does not seem to have learned that extremely valuable life lesson, a pool at a disused Derbyshire quarry, known locally as the Blue Lagoon, has been dyed black in a bid to deter people from swimming in it. Signs put up by the High Peak Borough Council last year around the previously bright blue water - which gets its colour from the caustic chemicals in the quarry stone - warn people it could cause skin irritations and stomach problems. The signs also state there are vehicles, rubbish, and dead animals in the water. But despite all that, and the water at the quarry at Harpur Hill (near Buxton) having a pH level of 11.3, dozens of people still swim there. A council spokeswoman said the pool contained vehicle parts and "all sorts of rubbish", and warned that the water temperature was "extremely cold".

Rationing is ration-out

Today is the 175th anniversary of the Myall Creek massacre, which involved the killing of up to 30 unarmed Australian Aborigines on 10 June 1838 at Myall Creek, near Bingara in northern New South Wales. After two trials, seven of the 11 colonists involved in the killings were found guilty of murder and hanged. They should've hanged the other four as well because this crap is not on. The first white men to settle in Australia were kicked out of England for various criminal misdeeds, and fifty years later, it seemed that their descendants hadn't learned from their parents' and grandparents' mistakes. For those of you who think killing Aborigines would be a good idea in 2013, don't. Just remember that while they may be "just another bunch of stinking Abos" or whatever to you, Aborigines are people too. But let's not dwell on that ugly stain on Australian history any further because Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro says he has halted a plan to restrict the sale of basic food items in Zulia, the country's most populous state. The scheme would have limited the number of packages of items such as rice, milk, and sugar that each shopper was allowed to buy. The authorities said it was aimed at curbing smuggling to Colombia, where many basic foodstuffs are more expensive and could be resold for a profit. Critics had said the plan to restrict the sale of 20 basic food items constituted food rationing.

Unlocking with the face

A dozen male train drivers in Sweden have circumvented a ban on shorts by wearing skirts to work in hot weather. The workers, who operate the Roslagsbanan line north of the capital Stockholm, have been wearing skirts to work for the past two weeks. Employer Arriva banned the drivers from wearing shorts after taking over the running of the line in January. But the company has given the men its blessing to wear skirts, according to local newspaper Mitti. That is actually an inventive way around such a problem, but here's another: Android users could soon be asked to pull a series of faces to unlock their phones or tablets. Google has filed a patent suggesting users stick out their tongue or wrinkle their nose in place of a password. It says requiring specific gestures could prevent the existing Face Unlock facility being fooled by photos. The Jelly Bean version of Android introduced the need for users to blink their eyes as a check, but users soon demonstrated it could be fooled. A spokesman for Google was unable to comment on when the suggested technology might be implemented, but the faces made could make you look like a total bellend, so I suggest switching to an iPhone. You can set an actual password instead of a 4-digit PIN to unlock it, and you can even put accented letters (including ä, é, ç, and ñ) in that password. That is definitely more secure than making a series of faces.

New manager brings in several new faces

David Moyes has signed his first Manchester United player, a Uruguayan full-back named Guillermo Varela. The 20-year-old transferred from Atlético Peñarol for an undisclosed fee. Moyes, who has replaced the retired Sir Alex Ferguson, will be able to view Varela in action immediately at the Under-20 world championships, which take place in Turkey from 21 June to 13 July. Varela has nine Under-20 caps but has played only one senior game for Peñarol, whose coach, Jorge da Silva, has said: "This is what he deserves. It is a shame to see him go but you can't deny him the opportunity to join a club like this." Something else that can't be denied is that Miranda Kerr likes yoga. The supermodel spent some time recently stretching "it out," she wrote last week on Twitter, sharing a photo of her flexible self on a beach somewhere. Kerr added, "#yoga #openyourheart #summertime." A few hours later, Kerr did away with part of that swimsuit. She shared a topless shot of herself, posing in the sand, with her arms covering her breasts. They all seemed to be part of a photo shoot for her Kora Organics line of products. But seriously, nobody cares. All I care about is whether or not Moyes is the right man to be stepping in Sir Alex's shoes.

Landmark to get landmark term behind bars

Today is the fifteenth anniversary of one of the most heinous events in recent history, which happened when three white supremacists murdered African American James Byrd, Jr., by chaining him behind a pickup truck and dragging him along an asphalt road in Jasper, Texas. One of the three bellends responsible, Lawrence Russell Brewer, was executed by lethal injection for this crime by the state of Texas on September 21, 2011. The other two are still alive at time of writing: John William King remains on Texas' death row while appeals are pending, while Shawn Allan Berry was sentenced to life imprisonment. But now that that ugly piece of business is out of the way, a young man who helped his friend spray-paint swastikas and other offensive statements on Jewish graves at a central Auckland cemetery has been told he is "staring down a sentence of imprisonment". 20-year-old Christian Landmark, originally from the UK, spent last night in custody and will stay there until he is sentenced later this month. It serves him right. This insensitive and unethical behaviour should not be tolerated. There are better things people could be doing with their lives than desecrating a Jewish cemetery.

Murderer becomes next top jock

An Australian minister says an award given to one of the radio DJs behind a royal prank call linked to the death of a UK nurse is "in bad taste". Michael Christian was given the "Next Top Jock" award by his employer. Last year he and co-host Mel Greig made a prank call to the London hospital where the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge was being treated for morning sickness. The nurse who answered the phone and believed the callers were the Queen and Prince Charles was later found dead. Australian Communications Minister Stephen Conroy told local media he disagreed with the award. "There were some very serious consequences of what was a prank," he said. "And to be seen to be awarding people so soon after such an event I think is just in bad taste." And that is why I wouldn't give him an award for being such a bellend. In fact, I would have fired that prick. That was one of the worst ideas known to man for a prank call.

RIP common sense

Lawyers for 10-year-old Sarah Murnaghan, who has been denied a lung transplant because of a controversial federal policy, say Health and Human Services' Secretary Kathleen Sebelius' decision to review the policy - but not in time to save Sarah - is unconstitutional. Sarah would be at the top of the adult lung transplant list if she were 12, because she only has weeks to live and a lung transplant would as-good-as cure her of cystic fibrosis. The Murnaghan family is fighting a little known organ transplant policy that is effectively pushing Sarah to the bottom of the adult transplant waiting list because it mandates that adult lungs be offered to all adult patients before they can be offered to someone under 12 years old. Law firm Pepper Hamilton LLP wrote a letter to Sebelius on Monday calling the policy "unfair, arbitrary, and capricious" and saying that Sebelius's failure to make an exception is a violation of Sarah's constitutional rights to "due process" and "equal protection," according to a family statement. Seriously, people. There has to be a better way. As an uncle of an almost four-month-old girl, I would most definitely have something to say about that crap if my niece is similarly denied medical treatment based on some unethical excuse for a policy. This is not on.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: No more room service

It is the perk that comes with expense accounts, the silver tray that wakes lovers in the morning, and the frequent indulgence of the superspy James Bond. Room service has become all these things and more, since it grew in popularity with the privileged guests of the Waldorf-Astoria in the 1930s and soon emerged as a standard for luxury excursions, and a plot device for tales of suspense and whimsy. Just ask Eloise, the 6-year-old scamp living it up in the Plaza Hotel, who routinely called for room service to bring her one roast-beef bone, one raisin, and seven spoons. And yet room service will soon be no more at one major New York City hotel. In August, the New York Hilton Midtown, in the heart of Manhattan, will discontinue food and drink service to all 2,000 of its rooms. In its place will be a new self-service Herb n’ Kitchen stocked with grab-and-go items. A spokesman for the hotel, which is part of the chain that also operates the Waldorf, cited declining demand for room service as the reason; some hotel industry experts see the elimination of the labor-intensive amenity as a way for the chain to save money. This is just not on. Even if you never order the expensive Three Scrambled Organic Eggs (priced at US$22.50) or the reliable Cobb Salad (priced at US$24.75) at 1 a.m., it is always comforting to know that either can be delivered to the door, its arrival punctuated by a few knocks and exactly two words. But no, the bellends running the show want to end all that because they think it would be a better idea to dehumanise the service and pander to the lowest common denominator. One should expect more of a hotel charging US$300 a night. In fact, one should take their business elsewhere - the Waldorf, for instance, will not be losing room service, and a Hilton spokesman said the company was evaluating its other hotels on a case-by-case basis.

In comes Doctor number 12

Doctor Who star Matt Smith is to leave his role as the Doctor at the end of this year, the BBC has announced. Smith first stepped into the Tardis as the 11th Doctor in the New Year's Day episode of 2010. Taking over from David Tennant, he was the youngest actor to play the role. But after four years as the Time Lord, viewers will see Smith's Doctor regenerate in the 2013 Christmas special. But enough about that because almost 1 in 10 secondary students believe tomatoes grow underground, according to a new survey conducted by the British Nutrition Foundation (BNF). Over 27,000 students who were between the ages of 5 and 16 were given the survey by the BNF. After looking through the results, the foundation firmly believes that more education on healthy cooking and eating needs to be given out. There also needs to be more education on where each foodstuff comes from (and no, it's NOT the supermarket) because also recorded in the survey, primary students in the UK think cheese comes from plants and a quarter of them think fish sticks are made from chicken or pigs. I mean, seriously, I know they're just kids but fish sticks are called fish sticks for a reason. Nineteen percent of participants did not know potatoes grew underground, while 10 percent of them thought they grew on either bushes or trees. Speaking of stuff that doesn't grow on trees, Chinese currency and U.S. dollars are being used more widely than ever in North Korea instead of the country's own money, a stark illustration of the extent to which the leadership under Kim Jong-un has lost control over the economy. The use of dollars and Chinese yuan, or renminbi, has accelerated since a disastrous revaluation of the North Korean won in 2009 wiped out the savings of millions of people. This is just like what happened in Zimbabwe four years ago, so Kim Jong-un better sort out the mess his predecessors dug their nation into because the growing use of foreign currency is making it increasingly difficult for Pyongyang to implement economic policy, resulting in the creation of a private economy outside the reach of the state that only draconian measures could rein in. Also, North Korea is one of the most closed countries in the world, so it is difficult to determine what impact this could ultimately have on Kim's regime.

Mugabe headed for the exit at long last

Zimbabwe's highest court has ordered President Robert Mugabe to ensure the African country holds elections by the end of July. Chief Justice Godfrey Chidyausiku said that out of a nine-judge panel only two had dissented to the ruling he delivered. Mugabe "is hereby ordered and directed to proclaim dates for presidential, general elections ... which elections should take place not later than 31 July 2013," the justice said in a packed Supreme Court chamber. The ruling was made after a former journalist with a defunct daily newspaper asked the court to order Mugabe to call for elections by end of June. But enough about that because toking up may help marijuana users to stay slim and lower their risk of developing diabetes, according to the latest study, which suggests that cannabis compounds may help in controlling blood sugar. That is just stupid because we all know that marijuana has a well-deserved reputation for increasing appetite via what stoners call "the munchies." It has already been proven that THC shrinks tumours for lung cancer patients, helps to avoid bladder cancer, reduces obesity, can be used as a sleep aid, helps cancer patients with nausea and appetite, and makes life bearable for patients with Lou Gehrig's Disease, Multiple Sclerosis, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and other debilitating diseases. Maybe they should study it more thoroughly before making any further claims.

Racism has been shown the red card

Teams could be relegated or expelled from competitions for serious incidents of racism after tough new powers were voted in by FIFA, who passed the anti-racism resolution with a 99% majority at its congress in Mauritius. First or minor offences will result in either a warning, a fine, or an order for a match to be played behind closed doors. Serious or repeat offences can now be punished by a points deduction, expulsion, or relegation. Further to the regulations that relate to clubs or international teams, the new measures will also see any individual who commits a racist offence banned from stadiums for a minimum of five matches. This new development could really make a difference to how people feel about soccer. Also making a difference is the fact that the US has eased restrictions on the sale of mobile phones and other communications devices, software, and services to Iranians. The move is intended to promote Iranians' political freedom, countering what the US describes as Tehran's efforts to "silence its people". The shift marks the first time Apple's iPhone, as well as inferior devices based on Android, can be exported legally to Iran. The US had toughened sanctions in recent years in an effort to force Iran to curb its nuclear programme, but they have finally realised that the sanctions in question, despite having good intentions, had undermined human rights and civil society efforts of Iranians, and helped the regime. I hope Obama can keep the good times rolling until a new president is inaugurated in 2017.

Another manager out of a job

The Bellend of the Month for May 2013 is Roberto Mancini, who was sacked as Manchester City manager a year to the day since winning the Premier League for the first time in 44 years. The club said he "had failed to achieve any of the club's targets, with the exception of qualification for next season's Champions League". Chairman Khaldoon Al Mubarak said the club also needed to "develop a holistic approach to all aspects of football at the club". "There wasn't the togetherness between player and manager," former defender Danny Mills told BBC Radio 5 live. "Basically, Mancini just ignored players from day one. He was the manager, he made decisions, he made no attempt to have any sort of relationship with the players, didn't take them under his wing. It was very much, 'I'm the manager, I'll do my thing, I'll pick the team, and then I'll disappear'." Of course he should be sacked. To sum it up, Mancini was never any good for Man City, with the exception of winning last season's Premiership, and I'm sure Moyes won't last one season at Man United.

Just pick one and lock it in already

In the past week, Eddie McGuire, president of Collingwood Football Club and host of the Australian version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, has made his stance on racism unclear. Last Friday, a 13-year-old Collingwood fan referred to Adam Goodes, a footballer of Aboriginal descent, as an 'ape' during a game at the Melbourne Cricket Ground, following which McGuire apologised to Goodes "on behalf of the Collingwood Football Club and on behalf of football". McGuire criticised the girl and said that Collingwood had a "zero tolerance" policy towards racism. That's the good news. Bad news is yesterday, McGuire himself made an on-air racist reference to Adam Goodes and King Kong, also using the word 'ape'. Even worse, the board members of the Collingwood Football Club have offered Eddie McGuire their full support to continue as president. So which one is it? It's bad enough he bowled underarm with his King Kong comments, but we don't know where he truly stands on this thorny issue.

Rebels with arms

The two most notorious and violent street gangs in Honduras have promised to end the violence which has claimed tens of thousands of lives. Mara Salvatrucha and Mara 18 Street said they would commit to zero crime and zero violence on the streets. I don't believe them. No gang would just give up on violence like that. That's just stupid. In a not-so-stupid move, the European Union has voted to lift its embargo on arming Syrian rebels effective in August, in a move that British Foreign Secretary William Hague said was intended to pressure Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to negotiate. "It was a difficult decision for some countries, but it was necessary and right to reinforce international efforts to reach a diplomatic solution to the conflict in Syria," Hague said in a written statement. "It was important for Europe to send a clear signal to the Assad regime that it has to negotiate seriously, and that all options remain on the table if it refuses to do so." But what doesn't remain on the table is Nike's partnership with Livestrong. The sportswear giant is ceasing to make products for the Livestrong Foundation, the cancer charity founded by disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Vocab tests in spelling bees

In addition to unleashing gems like weissnichtwo and humuhumunukunukuapua'a on us, the 281 contestants in the Scripps National Spelling Bee, which begins today, will have to know what the words mean too. This is the first time in its 86 years that the competition has introduced a vocabulary component. It will count for 50% of a speller's overall score and will help determine which competitors take part in the semifinal and the championship rounds. Spelling tests, both computer-based and onstage, will make up the other half of their scores. This is just wrong. The reason these competitions are called "spelling" bees has nothing to do with vocabulary and definitions - it should remain strictly a spelling bee. That's why they even bothered to put the word spelling in it. Why they called it a bee, however, is a totally different story.

Tanks a lot

European Union foreign ministers are discussing British and French calls for an easing of sanctions against Syria so that weapons can be supplied to the rebels. France and the UK are expected to argue that the move would increase pressure on Damascus for a political solution. I too would support such a move, but then there's the problem of making sure Bashar's forces don't get a hold of them first. In fact, they should bring tanks in to help the rebels. And speaking of tanks, it took six years, but Jim Montgomery's dream to bring a battle tank to the South Haven American Legion post has come true. Last week, a tank that had been at a Veterans of Foreign Wars of the United States (VFW) hall in Au Gres, arrived at its permanent home on a concrete pad just east of the South Haven post on Michigan Avenue, overlooking the harbour. The tank at the post is an M60-A3, which was put into production in 1960. It's only fitting that the tank arrived at the post just days before Memorial Day. Also fitting is the fact that an intimate love story about two young French women has won the Palme d'Or for best film at the Cannes Film Festival. The movie in question, Blue is the Warmest Colour, is a three-hour coming-of-age movie in which Adele Exarchopoulos plays a 15-year-old who falls in love with an older woman played by Lea Seydoux, and it prevented US film-makers the Coen brothers from repeating their Palme d'Or success of 1991, when they won for Barton Fink. Their latest film Inside Llewyn Davis, about the 1960s New York folk scene, won this year's Grand Prix, effectively the runners-up prize.

Gay pride going Kiev Style

About 100 activists have staged Ukraine's first gay pride march in the capital Kiev, ignoring a court ban. A gay-rights event planned for last year in Kiev was called off at the last minute after a gathering of skinheads threatened participants. "This can be considered a historic day," Olena Semenova, one of the organisers, said. And even though the parade was unsanctioned, the police were the good guys this time around - they arrested 13 people for trying to break up the rally. In other news, Obama has defended the use of drones in a "just war" of self-defence against deadly militants and a campaign that had made America safer. In a wide-ranging speech on a programme shrouded in secrecy, he said there must be "near certainty" that no civilians would die in such strikes. "We are at war with an organisation that right now would kill as many Americans as they could if we did not stop them first," he said in Thursday's address at the National Defense University in Washington DC. "So this is a just war - a war waged proportionally, in last resort, and in self-defence." But just or not just, let's not dwell on that forever because if there is one movie you lot need to see, it's The Hangover: Part 3. I saw it yesterday and it is one of the funniest movies so far this year. Let's hope The Internship can top it.