Don't judge a bellend by its cover

Today is the last day of the month. Today is also the last day of autumn (spring in the Southern Hemisphere), Independence Day in Barbados, Bonifacio Day in the Philippines, Cities for Life Day, St. Andrew’s Day, the 29th anniversary of the release of Michael Jackson’s album Thriller, the 16th anniversary of the end of Operation Desert Storm, and the first anniversary of the death of Rajiv Dixit (who, coincidentally, would’ve turned 44 today).

But because it’s the end of a month, we have to crown a Bellend of the Month. This month, it’s Aransas County Court-At-Law Judge William Adams. This month, I came across a YouTube clip of him beating the crap out of his then 16-year-old daughter Hillary in 2004. The victim of such a travesty has had ataxic cerebral palsy from birth that led her to a passion for technology, which was strictly forbidden by her father's backwards views. The judge's wife was emotionally abused herself and was severely manipulated into assisting the beating, and therefore should not be blamed for any of her content in that sick video. She has since left the marriage due to the abuse, which continues to this day, and has sincerely apologized and repented for her part and for allowing such a thing, long before this video was even revealed to exist. However, the same can’t be said about the judge. That maggot is not fit to be anywhere near the law system if he can't even exercise fit judgment as a parent himself. The county should not allow this man to ever be re-elected again. His "judgment" is a giant farce, and he should be sent to Guantanamo and made to listen to hours and hours of Justin Bieber. Even Amy Chua can't beat that for bad parenting. If you want to see the video, click here.

Spicing up the season

The US holiday shopping season got off to an ugly start when a shopper pepper-sprayed other bargain hunters and robbers shot at shoppers to steal their Black Friday purchases, police said Friday. Up to 20 people were injured after a woman used pepper spray in California to get an edge on competitors. On the other side of the continent, off-duty officers in North Carolina used pepper spray to subdue rowdy shoppers waiting for consumer electronics. This sort of madness in the month before Christmas (as well as the overspending and the debt buildup) is why this year, I'm making more cost-effective gifts out of what I already have. Home-made gifts are said to be better because you took the time to make them yourself instead of spending inflated sums of money on the latest smartphone or an unwieldy 50" plasma/LCD TV that was made in China by some dirt-poor factory worker who was hired for next to nothing and can't afford food for the family. In other news, a British mother was arrested after police investigated a Youtube video of her making racist comments on a London tram.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Eric Clapton

This morning, I saw The Whistleblower. And before the previews, I heard “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton. Eric Clapton is one of the worst musicians of all time, and that particular song is so boring that it (maybe also coupled with some Justin Bieber or Billy Ray) would make a good substitute for Koran-burning or waterboarding at Guantanamo.

On an unrelated point, a couple of fight scenes about an hour into the movie could’ve been awesomed up a bit. If I was directing, one of the scenes would involve the victim performing a rather aggro rendition of the haka directed towards the attackers. And maybe if I was directing The King’s Speech, there would be some more comedic moments in it; a scene where somebody pulls out a chair for another character would, for example, involve the chair being pulled out from right under her just as she is about to sit down. Or maybe if I was directing The Help, I would’ve removed both instances of the N word from the script – for instance, instead of a white bus driver in one scene saying “some n***** got shot”, he would say “somebody got shot”. In fact, almost any movie could be made better with me as director.

United + United = tie

Man United drew their match against Newcastle 1-1 this morning at Old Trafford. Man United's goal was scored by Javier Hernandez and Newcastle's goal was courtesy of Senegalese striker Demba Ba. Five yellow cards were shown, and one of the booked players, Jonas Gutierrez, was booked again and Newcastle were forced to play the last 12 minutes a man down.

The best is about to get cheaper

Sky Television and TVNZ will need to spend about $30 million to set up the broadcasting infrastructure for their new low-cost digital pay-television service, tentatively known as Igloo. Much of the cost will be in installing new equipment on radio transmitters to broadcast up to 12 channels provided by Sky, who have finally found a potential replacement for the UHF terrestrial service, which was operating from 1990 until sometime last year. I for one may well consider this product if the channel selection is good enough.

Saleh, just step the buck down!

A US-backed deal for Yemen's authoritarian president to step down falls far short of the demands of protesters fighting regime supporters on the streets of Sanaa in clashes that have left five dead. The agreement ending President Ali Abdullah Saleh's 33-year rule provides for only the shallowest of changes at the top of the regime, something the U.S. administration likely favored to preserve a fragile alliance against one of the world's most active al Qaeda branches based in Yemen. That's all well and good but here's the problem: the plan drawn up by Yemen's oil-rich Gulf neighbors does not directly change the system he put in place over three decades to serve his interests. It gives an opportunity for regime survival, and leaves much more of the old regime intact than after the uprisings in Tunisia, Egypt, and Libya - something that will almost certainly translate into continued unrest. Saleh needs to be tried for charges of corruption and for the killing of protesters during the uprising.

Four down, more to go

Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh is preparing to cede power over a country he once united and is now spiraling to the brink of civil war and economic collapse. Saleh, who yesterday signed an accord to hand over control to his deputy, has kept power for more than three decades by doling out handouts to the military and tribes. That helped shore him up until the wave of Arab protests hit Yemen in January, loosening the ties he had nurtured since he became president of northern Yemen in 1978. In other words, Saleh is the fourth Arab leader after Ben Ali, Mubarak, and Gaddafi to be toppled by the people, and if the Syrian people continue their crusade, he won't be the last. It could even be Kim Jong-il next.

We're water-bored with waterboarding

Waterboarding is torture, and America should not condone it. Yet that's just what Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Rick Perry did in a recent debate. Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul repudiated the practice, and the others weren't asked about it. Historically, the U.S. has treated waterboarding as torture and a war crime. America prosecuted Japanese war criminals for waterboarding U.S. servicemen in World War II. Three decades later, a federal court awarded hundreds of millions in damages to Filipinos who were waterboarded by the regime of Ferdinand Marcos. Even though torture apologists say waterboarding has produced actionable intelligence, no one has provided any evidence that the information obtained through waterboarding could not have been obtained by other means. I know a better way to obtain information from a terrorist suspect: it's called Justin Bieber. In fact, almost any Canadian music is horrible enough to be a humane substitute for waterboarding. Just remember, if waterboarding is torture when done to Americans, then it is torture when done by Americans.

Spain performs about-face on former colony

Relations between Cuba and Spain may be headed for choppy waters after Spain’s conservative Popular Party won elections on Sunday, although analysts say neither side is primarily interested in picking a mayor fight. The Popular Party victory ended nearly eight years of rule by the Spanish Socialist Workers’ Party, often criticised as too friendly to Havana’s communist rulers and insensitive to their human rights abuses. But now, the status quo may well change because there is no way the new government in Spain will want anything to do with those autocratic bellends running the show in Cuba. People are leaving Cuba for a reason. Even though things are starting to get better without Fidel in charge, more needs to be done. Maybe if democracy came to Cuba, things would get better.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: People who masturbate in public toilets

Seriously, come on guys, it’s just gross. This forum thread is full of gross nutjobs who have admitted to masturbating in public toilets just so other users would have to touch their semen. Jacking off in public toilets is totally inconsiderate and unnecessary, and there are people who expect to walk into a clean restroom and not have to touch some bellend’s semen. They should install security cameras in restrooms so they can see if anyone rubs one out in the toilet, and if so, who did it so that the nutjob in question can be swiftly dealt with.

Chicharito does it again

Manchester United remain hot on the heels of neighbours Manchester City after registering a first-ever win at Swansea City this morning at Liberty Stadium. The only goal was scored by Javier Hernandez, and one yellow card was shown. Despite this turnaround, Man City can still win the Premiership.

Hidden message in email puts job on line

Some bold words in an email could have City of Menasha Public Works Director Mark Radtke in trouble surrounding efforts at work to recall Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Investigators are looking into his actions and another employee complained about the email, which Radtke sent out to City Hall employees on Tuesday, the day Democratic recall efforts began against the Republican Walker.

In the email, Radtke says Tuesday was his birthday and a “Special Day.” But in it, he implies others should support the recall of Governor Walker, by capitalising RECALL SCOTT WALKER in the email body, (full text here) saying, and quote: "Birthdays cause me to reminisce trying to RECALL all the great times we had as kids, you know, when you could misbehave behind your parent's backs and get away with it SCOTT free…Unfortunately, birthdays also make me think about what life will be like in my golden years, you know, like learning how to use a WALKER!"

I don't know what Radtke's intentions are, whether he violated any city policies regarding the use of city email for illegal activities or harassment, or what the supposed allegations against Governor Walker are, but what the offending quote said about birthdays does seem to hold true for lots of people (for me it's mostly about the presents) and he has since apologized and been cleared of any wrongdoing.

Think of the children!

Paul A. LaDuke, a math teacher at Schaumburg Christian School in Chicago, has been charged with sexual exploitation of a child for allegedly masturbating during class, something authorities believe may have happened several times in the last decade. Police say that a student reported to a teacher they saw LaDuke masturbating while seated at his podium. That is the epitome of grossness, and no student should ever have to endure the trauma of their teacher stroking his privates mid-lesson. If I was in that nutjob’s class, I would’ve told someone about that travesty. He needs to get help. Unless, of course, the kids could have had a vendetta against this teacher and just made the whole thing up. Worse things have happened.

Eyes glued shut

Kerri Caldwell (pictured with her son) is in disbelief that her three-year-old son Sam can't open his right eye after an accident and emergency doctor carried out a routine procedure at Ulster Hospital in Belfast last week.

Sam was taken to A&E after an accident at his Newtownards home left him with a cut above his eye. When she arrived Mrs Caldwell was told the best way to close the wound on his eyelid was to glue the cut. However, the doctor used too much glue. After about 20 minutes the doctor told Sam to open his eyes — but he couldn’t. His right eye was completely glued shut. She had put too much on his lid and it had slid around his eye. The little boy became very upset and began kicking his legs and screaming because he couldn’t open his eye.

A consultant then told Sam’s mother the glue would have to wear off; it would take a minimum of four days and he said 'he’ll get used to it'. This is not something the poor kid, or anyone else, should ever have to “get used to”. It’s tragic that this rubbish had taken place, but it would be a lot worse if sectarianism had anything to do with it. If it was a Catholic treating a Protestant (or vice versa), then sabotage could be added to the equation, especially if he loses an eye as a result.

Aloha and welcome to Asia!

It's hard to mistake that Hawaiian scenery. But President Obama apparently forgot where he was during his press conference on Sunday on the outskirts of Honolulu, despite being born there (NOT in Kenya). The president mistakenly described his location as "Asia" while answering a question about budget cuts. The quote? "When I meet with world leaders, what's striking - whether it's in Europe or here in Asia - the kinds of fundamental reforms and changes, both on the revenue side and the public pension side, that other countries are having to make are so much more significant than what we need to do in order to get our books in order." Technically, Hawaii isn't in Asia, but neither is it geographically fixed to North America. Hawaii is a chain of islands in Polynesia, therefore, it is not part of any continent. I think Obama had one Mai Tai too many before the conference.

Looks like Assad has nowhere to run

Jordan's king Abdullah said yesterday that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad should step down for the good of his country, the first Arab leader to publicly make such a call as Syria's neighbours close ranks against an increasingly isolated regime. Syria's crackdown on an 8-month-old uprising has brought international condemnation, but Damascus generally has been spared broad reproach in the Arab world. That changed Saturday, with a near-unanimous vote by the 22-member Arab League to suspend Syria, and suspend they should because Assad has no business continuing to degrade the prestige of the state while accusing others of doing so, and I hope the revolution soon spreads to North Korea.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Vomit Girl

Stupidest. YouTube clip. Ever. Enough said.

All sun and Games on the Gold Coast

Queensland is reeling from a year of floods, cyclones, and financial turmoil, but it finally has a reason to celebrate. It's not the facelift we carried here yesterday (don't worry, we kept the green), it's not the fact that the fourth installment of that god-awful Twilight rubbish hits cinemas next weekend, nor is it the iPhone 4S's belated launch in New Zealand. The real reason? The Gold Coast, plagued by negative headlines after a wave of violent crime, has won its bid to host the 2018 Commonwealth Games. A roar erupted from Gold Coast's Broadwater Parklands yesterday where thousands had gathered for the announcement, which was beamed live from the general assembly of the Commonwealth Games Federation in Saint Kitts and Nevis (in the Caribbean). I have no doubt that the Gold Coast will do Australia proud in hosting these Games, just as Melbourne did in 2006, off the back of Sydney's success in the 2000 Olympics (in fact, Australia win a plurality of medals at almost every games). I hope the bid team aren't planning to include bowling underarm as a demo sport.

New look in town

Basically the 411 for post 611 is that we now have a new look. Hope you like it.

The sun is setting on The Sun

James Murdoch threw the future of News International into doubt yesterday by suggesting that The Sun might be closed down if it is dragged into the phone hacking scandal. Giving evidence to MPs, Mr Murdoch, who closed the News of the World in July, said he could not rule out closing The Sun or any other publication if it was found to have broken the law. I don't blame him, but I don't recommend divesting an entire empire over this whole mess. Of course closing down a tabloid will stop any more controversy from the publications in question, but it's not a permanent solution because there will still be more newspapers to get in on the act. Instead of closing a news source, they could always just fire the whole staff and relaunch the errant paper under a different title or logo. And besides, I don't read papers - like any other unemployed 23-year-old male virgin, I get my news from the Web.

Aussie polluters beware!

Australia on Tuesday passed legislation that would impose a tax on the nation's 500 largest polluters, a deeply unpopular measure that the government has defended as necessary to control climate change. Prime Minister Julia Gillard had promised not to push for a carbon tax during elections last year, but has since said it is Australia's best option. Australia is one of the world's worst greenhouse gas emitters per capita becuase of its heavy reliance on abundant reserves of coal to generate electricity, and because their first woman Prime Minister actually has some sense for once, Australia's largest polluters will pay 23 Australian dollars for every metric tonne of carbon gases they produce starting July of next year. Australia is full of the descendants of various bellends who were kicked out of England for good reason, poor sports whose signature move is bowling underarm, and polluters, but at least they're now fixing up the pollution problem.

Prop 26 gets 86'ed

Mississippi voters yesterday defeated a ballot initiative that would've declared that life begins at fertilisation, a proposal that supporters sought in the Bible Belt state as a way to prompt a legal challenge to abortion rights nationwide. The so-called "personhood" initiative was rejected by more than 55 percent of voters, falling far short of the threshold needed for it to be enacted. If it had passed, it was virtually assured of drawing legal challenges because it conflicts with the Supreme Court's 1973 Roe v. Wade decision that established a legal right to abortion. Supporters of the initiative wanted to provoke a lawsuit to challenge the landmark ruling but now they'll have to find a better way. Even the regular, white-bread, life-begins-at-conception type of anti-choice folk think this is too much, and I wouldn't blame them. A fertilised egg may be able to grow into a fully-fledged person but until that happens, it looks nothing like a person. And besides, there's also the issues of women's rights and religion to consider. You can't just impose your religious beliefs on others by forcing women to carry unwanted pregnancies, including those caused by rape or incest. Proposition 26 failed for good reason. Mississippi already has tough abortion regulations (parental or judicial consent for any minor to get an abortion, mandatory in-person counseling, and a 24-hour wait before any woman can terminate a pregnancy) and only one clinic where the procedures are performed, so there's no need for any more anti-choice rubbish. In other news, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of the show "19 Kids and Counting" are expecting their 20th child in April. I hope this time they can find a name for number 20 that doesn't start with J.

Did you say the home-coming king was a SHE?

When students voted a lesbian couple as home-coming king and queen at San Diego's Patrick Henry High School two weeks ago, perhaps they were just too young and naive to know that controversy was inevitable. If it had just been Haileigh Adams, at right, elected queen, nothing would have been the problem. But when Adams' girlfriend, Rebeca Arellano, won king at a big pep rally on the Friday, the bigots (or should I say bellends) started complaining.

Adams and Arellano's peers cheered for the girls at the home-coming dance, and a teacher had reportedly told Arellano, "Today, school is a bit better because of you girls." Nevertheless, Patrick Henry High has been subjected to a deluge of hate mail, angry emails, and threatening phone calls since news of the lesbian home-coming couple broke. Some of the calls are coming from people who don't even live in California. This is not cool, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the threatening messages are coming from Texas. What is popular is not always right and what is right is not always popular, but those player-haters need to think before they start gay-bashing. The parents who are engaging in this homophobic conduct are poor role models for their children, and boy is Mr. T going to be busy pitying a lot of fools. Disabilities, gender, and racial characteristics are not really things we choose, and neither is homosexuality. In fact, we don’t even choose to be born.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Actually, I can’t decide

This week, it’s a toss-up between false advertising and drinking songs. I’ll do both.

Yesterday, I saw The Thing. I thought it was going to be about the similarly-named Fantastic Four superhero’s origin story, and it started off quite bizarre, being set near a Norwegian research station on Antarctica in 1982, and instead of being a hero, the “thing” was some weird creature from outer space who transmitted a virus in the blood of its victims, turning them into scary monsters who would go round devouring the other people at the station. Even after Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s character had started torching every incarnation of that beast (and also another human who had not yet transformed), it didn’t turn into a good guy. In fact, when I looked at the movie’s Wikipedia article, it turned out to be a prequel to a movie released in 1982 that also didn’t feature anybody from the Fantastic Four. But even so, they shouldn’t have just called the movie The Thing, because if someone who was actually into the Fantastic Four (hint: not me) had seen it just because of the word “thing”, they would walk out feeling ripped off because it doesn’t have a single detail about Thing or his origins.

Also, before the previews leading into that sick disappointment of a superhero flick, I heard the entirety of Rihanna’s song Cheers (Drink to That). I liked the song’s apparent interpolations of I’m With You by Avril Lavigne, but the lyrics extol the consumption of alcohol (e.g. “oh, let the Jameson sink in” and “turn it around with another round”) and building up credit card debt (e.g. “'bout to hop on the bar, put it all on my card tonight”). Also, I noticed the word “hella” (which is used in the north of California as an adverb meaning “very” and as an adjective meaning “a lot of”) in one line, and that word is hella lame. Rihanna is the official ambassador of youth and culture for Barbados, but the lyrics of her latest hit show that she is in no way worthy of such an honour. But at least I didn’t hear any Justin Bieber or Enya or Billy Ray.

Brown makes a hot brown mess of Sunderland

On the eve of Sir Alex's 25th anniversary in charge of Manchester United, the Reds boss celebrated in a manner he's become so accustomed to down the years: by guiding his team to victory - more specifically, beating Sunderland 1-0. It was Wes Brown's own goal, on his first visit back to Old Trafford after leaving for Sunderland in the summer (our winter), that settled this morning's contest. There were two yellow cards, both going Sunderland's way.

Even abortion can be aborted

A rebel anti-choice movement gaining momentum nationwide is hoping for its first electoral victory on Tuesday, when Mississippi voters will decide whether to designate a fertilised egg as a person and potentially label its destruction an act of murder. If approved, the nation's first "personhood" amendment could criminalise abortion and limit in-vitro fertilisation and some forms of birth control. It would also give a jolt of energy to an anti-choice national movement that views mainstream anti-choice activists as timid.

The change is stupid because it would cut off access to abortion by equating it with homicide, making no exception for rape, incest, or when a woman's life is in danger. The measure will likely pass and spark years of litigation that may stall or prevent its implementation, and it won't hold up in court because there is a very strong precedent against it: it's called Roe v. Wade, and it's spent a long and eventful life keeping the anti-choice agenda down. There is a much better way around this - they could always close down the state's only abortion clinic, but it won't do much good because there are lots of other abortion clinics out of state.

Put this in your cigar and smoke it

No, seriously, don't. Smoking can kill you. But for the first time in a half-century, Cubans will be allowed to buy and sell real estate openly, bequeath property to relatives without restriction, and avoid forfeiting their homes if they abandon the country. The highly anticipated new rules instantly transform islanders’ cramped, dilapidated homes into potential liquid assets in the most significant reform yet adopted by President Raul Castro since he took over the communist country from his brother Fidel in 2008.

But plenty of restrictions remain: Cuban exiles continue to be barred from owning property on the island, though they can presumably help relatives make purchases by sending money. And foreigners can also hold off on dreams of acquiring a pied-a-terre under the Caribbean sun, since only citizens and permanent residents are eligible and besides, there are a lot of other islands in the Caribbean for foreigners to have their dream home on. But Raul needs to do more, for instance, hold elections and bring democracy to the island. Or maybe enter into an annexation treaty with the United States.

Siri bowls underarm

Apple's latest iPhone will be launched in New Zealand next Friday (11/11/11), but Kiwis may have to adopt an Aussie twang to get the most out of its snazzy voice-recognition technology.

Siri, the phone's voice-recognition technology, can understand and respond to spoken questions and commands. For example, users can ask, `Will I need an umbrella this weekend?', and the phone will pull up a weather forecast. But so far, the technology has so far only been programmed for Australian, British, and American dialects. It can understand Kiwi accents but not with the same accuracy. For instance, we say "fish and chips", they hear "fush and chups". We say "peg", they hear "pig". We say "baggage check-in", they hear "beggage chicken". We say "pan", they hear "pen". Need I go on?

In other news, a small Spanish tablet maker, Nuevas Tecnologias y Energias Catala (NT-K), has won a patent infringement battle with Apple Inc in a rare victory against the US company in its global defence of markets for its iPads.

Looks like this case is cracked

For thousands of prison inmates convicted of crack cocaine charges, the prison doors will be opening early, thanks to sentencing changes easing the disparity between the penalties for possessing or distributing crack vs. powder cocaine. Congress passed the Fair Sentencing Act in August 2010, changing, among with other things, the 100:1 disparity between minimum sentences for crack and powder cocaine to 18:1, and eliminated the five-year mandatory minimum sentence for simple possession of crack cocaine. This may sound stupid, but critics of the old sentencing system say it was unfair to African-Americans, who make up the majority of those convicted of possessing and distributing crack. Furthermore, the U.S. Sentencing Commission voted this summer to make the reduced crack penalties retroactive, which means more than 12,000 current inmates are eligible to request time off their sentences. Under the new law, a person with crack will now have to have 28 grams (almost an ounce), instead of the old 5 grams, before triggering a mandatory five-year minimum sentence, but the person with powder cocaine still must have a much larger amount - at least 500 grams. But even so, the ratio should be reduced further to 1:1 because crack and powder are both different forms of the same drug, and there seems to be a racial component to the different sentences given out: crack cocaine is more common in inner-city black communities, and powder cocaine in white suburban communities.

SIX HUNDRED POSTS!

Six hundred posts, 7 billion people, and yet, Palestine hasn't made it into the UN. In fact, acceptance into the UN cultural agency Unesco, best known for its designation of “world heritage” sites, hasn’t brought the Palestinians any closer to full membership in the United Nations itself. If anything, the victory has come at a price. A day after Palestine gained full membership in the UN group with 107 votes in favor and 14 against, the U.S. has retaliated by cutting off funding that supplies almost a quarter of the agency’s budget. Moreover, swing votes the Palestinians need to bolster their support on the Security Council for full UN membership have evaporated. In other news, South Korea will set up a fund as early as this year to begin raising up to 55 trillion won to pay for its eventual reunification with North Korea. Unification Minister Yu Woo Ik is asking South Koreans to put aside more than 60 years of animosity on the divided peninsula and prepare for the fiscal shock of incorporating their impoverished northern neighbors. Because anyone, Korean or not, can donate to the fund, I might consider donating a few dollars as long as the money isn't being siphoned off to Pyongyang.