Lesbian gets slugged

The Bellend of the Month for November 2012 is Travis Hawkins Jr. He was charged last weekend by police in Mobile County, Alabama, for allegedly beating a woman who is romantically involved with his sister. Hawkins was bailed following a charge for second-degree assault, but the victim's family have told reporters they believe it to be a hate crime and called for the prosecutors to upgrade the charges against Hawkins. I wouldn't blame them, because beating up on women is just weak, especially if it has something to do with their sexual orientation. Hawkins should rot in jail for his misdeed.

West Ham get hammed

Robin van Persie scored after just 33 seconds at Old Trafford this morning to vanquish West Ham and maintain Manchester United’s position at the summit of the Barclays Premier League. The Dutchman’s 12th goal since his summer move from Arsenal was enough to settle an entertaining fixture and end a worrying five-game streak in which the Reds have conceded first. Although Sir Alex’s men scored just once, there were plenty of positives from the performance, including a first clean sheet in 10 games. However, the same couldn't be said about the on-field discipline because two players got booked. And speaking of two men, will Two and a Half Men be changing its name to Two Men by season's end? That seems to be the question on everyone's mind after star Angus T. Jones publicly trashed the show, calling it "filth," and revealed he no longer wishes to be on the CBS comedy. I don't blame him. Two and a Half Men is just a load of filth that no sane person would wish on their worst enemy. And speaking of enemies, the Internet has a powerful enemy in the form of some bellends who like defacing websites. The Romanian domain names of Google, Yahoo, Microsoft, Kaspersky Lab, and other companies were hijacked yesterday and redirected to a hacked server in the Netherlands. The hijacking occurred at the DNS (Domain Name System) level, with attackers modifying the DNS records for google.ro, yahoo.ro, microsoft.ro, hotmail.ro, windows.ro, kaspersky.ro, and paypal.ro, according to Costin Raiu, director of the global research and analysis team at security vendor Kaspersky Lab.

Sweatshop on fire

Order books and clothing found at a Bangladeshi factory where a fire killed 112 people show that it was making clothing for Disney, Wal-Mart, Sears, and other Western brands. The Associated Press discovered clothing and records connected to the retailers today while police announced the arrests of three factory officials who are suspected of locking in workers who were killed in Saturday's fire. Workers who survived the fire say exit doors were locked, fire extinguishers didn't work, and managers had told them to go back to work after the fire alarm rang. A fire official has said that far fewer people would have died if there had been just one emergency exit. This is clearly an act of sabotage. Somebody must hate America an awful lot if they burnt down such a busy factory so close to the Christmas shopping season. In other news, a UN General Assembly committee condemned Syria, Iran, and North Korea for human rights violations in votes criticised by all three countries.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Dan White

Today is the 34th anniversary of the worst thing that said bellend has ever done. I'm talking about the killings of San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and his openly gay supervisor Harvey Milk, who were shot and killed in San Francisco City Hall by White, who was angry that Moscone had refused to re-appoint him to his seat on the Board of Supervisors, which White had not long resigned, and that Milk had lobbied heavily against his re-appointment. That is not something to shoot anyone over, and he himself should've been shot for doing such a stupid act.

Gangnam becomes #1 style

Tired of that "Gangnam Style" song? You shouldn't be, because it has become the most watched video in YouTube history. As of Saturday, the video by South Korean rapper PSY has been viewed 805 million times, surpassing Justin Bieber's “Baby,” which had 803 million views. And it can only get bigger because according to YouTube, the video is watched between 7 million and 10 million times a day around the world. That's right, Justin Bieber is no longer the flavour of the moment. And neither is a real-life Grinch, who was arrested after he spoiled the holiday cheer at a parade, telling children that Santa isn’t real. The unidentified 24-year-old man, who had his hair gelled to look as though devil horns were protruding from his head, was arrested by police in the Canadian town of Kingston last week during the annual Santa Claus parade, authorities said in statement. The St. Nicholas naysayer, who is already on probation, faces criminal charges of causing a disturbance by being drunk. I'm sure there's a good-sized spot on Santa's naughty list and a huge lump of coal waiting for that bellend.

Reds back on top after beating QPR

There may be those who are finding Manchester United's form frustrating this season but there is no disputing the entertainment and spirit this morning at Old Trafford. Queen's Park Rangers' Jamie Mackie scored the first goal early in the second half, and Man United's goals came from Jonny Evans, Darren Fletcher, and Javier Hernandez. Two yellow cards were dished out.

This time, J.R.'s dead

Larry Hagman, whose predatory oil baron J.R. Ewing on television's long-running nighttime soap opera "Dallas" became a symbol for 1980s greed and coaxed forth a Texas-sized gusher of TV ratings, has died at the age of 81. Hagman, who returned as J.R. in a new edition of "Dallas" this year, passed away yesterday afternoon (Central Standard Time) due to complications from his battle with cancer, according to a statement from the family. "Larry was back in his beloved hometown of Dallas, re-enacting the iconic role he loved the most," the family said. "Larry's family and closest friends had joined him in Dallas for the Thanksgiving holiday."

Also dead is Deborah Raffin, an actress who had roles in movies like “Forty Carats” and “Once Is Not Enough”. She died on Wednesday at 59. The cause was leukaemia, and the disease was diagnosed about a year ago. Besides her film roles, Raffin starred in television movies and mini-series, most notably playing the actress Brooke Hayward in “Haywire” and a business executive in “Noble House,” based on the James Clavell saga set in Hong Kong.

There is one more death to mention tonight, this time, it's somebody's career. Kevin Clash, the actor who created the voice and persona of Elmo on Sesame Street, resigned from the children's show this week in the wake of a new allegation that he had a sexual relationship with an underage boy. A federal lawsuit was filed this morning in New York, said Jeff Herman, the attorney for the second accuser, who he identified as Cecil Singleton. It was not yet known how much money Singleton sought in the suit, but the scandal could put millions of dollars at risk for the Sesame Street brand.

Resigned to resignation

Two news co-anchors surprised their co-workers, their audience, and their bosses when they tendered their resignation live on-air. Former co-anchors Cindy Michaels and Tony Consiglio announced that they were quitting at the end of Tuesday's 6pm newscast on Bangor, Maine's ABC affiliate station WVII. Prior to the statement, they had not told anyone else of their plans. They later cited frustration with their management. On the newscast, the two didn't give specific reasons on the air for their sudden departure. Consiglio said that while they enjoyed reporting the news, "some recent developments have come to our attention, though, and departing together is the best alternative we can take." I don't blame them. There are times in my almost quarter-century on this planet where quitting the activity I was engaged in at the time would've made a huge statement. For instance, in August of 2004, during a rehearsal for The Diary of Anne Frank. My class were doing an abridged version of the play, which meant that one character wouldn't have any lines for four consecutive scenes, so some of my lines in Act 2 Scene 1 had to be re-assigned. The change wasn't communicated to everyone adequately, so both of us were saying the same line at the same time (which starts out "It's a man in the storeroom" and can be viewed here), which led to a shouting match (which wasn't helped by another of the cast members refusing to give me a chair to hit the other person with) which ended in me not exchanging any blows and instead getting the principal involved. Maybe quitting the production would've made a stronger statement five weeks out from final performances. And speaking of Anne Frank, today is a week after the 70th anniversary of the eighth member (a dentist named Pfeffer or Dussel) joining the Secret Annex. In other news, signs of a boom abound in Myanmar. Flights to Yangon are full, hotel rooms booked solid. Foreign bars are packed with well-fed Westerners in khakis and jeans, 21st-century prospectors drawn to this golden frontier. Myanmar got a further boost this week from President Barack Obama, who became the first serving U.S. president to visit the long-isolated nation, an endorsement that has not gone unnoticed by global investors. But despite America's leadership in welcoming Myanmar back into the international community, U.S. companies have so far not signed any big deals — a situation few expect to change soon.

Black Friday about to turn sour for one corporation

Shoppers and stores around America are preparing for big Black Friday sales, but a group of Walmart workers are getting ready for a protest. The union-backed group OUR Walmart, which has helped organise the post-Thanksgiving walk-out, expects thousands of workers around the country to participate. Workers say they are joining the protest to ask the country's largest employer to end what they call retaliation against speaking out for better pay, fair schedules, and affordable health care. I'm sure the protests, and the timing of said protests, will prove to be a huge embarrassment for the Arkansas-based national retailer. But I won't be taking part because I don't have any sort of job anywhere, and because Walmart doesn't exist in New Zealand. But you should get a job because unemployment is a significant risk factor for acute myocardial infarction (heart attack), as results of a large cohort study suggested. The risk does however fade with joblessness lasting more than a year. Among more than 13,000 participants in the Health and Retirement Study, the hazard ratio in those looking unsuccessfully for work was 1.35 relative to the continuously employed, after adjusting for sociodemographic factors like insurance status, smoking, alcohol consumption, certain comorbidities, and body mass index. And speaking of index, European stock index futures pointed to a higher open today, with stocks set to rise for the fourth straight day, buoyed by data showing China's manufacturing sector expanded for the first time in 13 months.

Rimsha's off the hook

A court in Islamabad has dropped all charges against Rimsha Masih, a young Christian girl who provoked a global outcry when she was arrested for blasphemy in August. The 14-year-old was detained when a neighbour claimed she had burned pages of a religious book. She spent three weeks on remand in an adult prison. However, she was freed on bail after witnesses said she had been framed by a local Muslim prayer leader. The case, involving an illiterate girl from a persecuted minority, sparked calls for reform of Pakistan's harsh blasphemy laws, which carry the death penalty and are used frequently to settle personal scores. Under these laws, thousands are arrested each year on flimsy evidence and anyone daring to call for reform faces the threat of assassination. But the fact that the case has been dismissed isn't the only good news: Hafiz Mohammed Khalid Chishti, an imam who first gave police the burned papers as evidence against her, has been arrested for desecrating the Koran and tampering with evidence. It would be nice to think that the Islamabad High Court has set a new precedent in the treatment of blasphemy allegations, but Pakistan's blood-curdling blasphemy laws still need to be reformed. In other Pakistan-related news, British-based Islamic radicals are preparing to announce a fatwa on Malala Yousafzai, the 15-year-old girl shot by the Taliban, for her role in standing up to extremists.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Justin and Selena

After dominating the American Music Awards on Sunday night (Pacific Standard Time), Justin Bieber kept his winning streak going. The 18-year-old pop star arrived at the music awards show with his mother, Pattie Mallette, as his date - but was spied leaving with Selena Gomez. Their latest reunion two days after their attempt at a reconciliation dinner at a Japanese restaurant in Los Angeles was cooked before the raw fish could even be served. Seriously, which one is it? Do they prefer together or apart? Nobody knows, but if it were me and Bieber, I'd prefer apart. And I'd be talking a great distance apart. Why? Because he thinks he can sing but he can't. His music is best kept at Guantanamo only to be played during interrogations. I'm sure the mere thought of Justin Bieber would be enough on its own to break any terrorist.

The fourteenth baktun is soon upon the Ugandan gay community

Uganda will pass a new law against homosexuality by the end of 2012 as a "Christmas gift" to its advocates, the speaker of parliament has said. The Associated Press news agency quoted Rebecca Kadaga as saying that Ugandans were "demanding" the law. OK so homosexual acts are already illegal in Uganda, but the controversial bill, which is before parliament, proposes tougher sentences for people convicted under it. Foreign donors have threatened to cut aid if gay rights are not respected. I wouldn't blame them. Homosexuality is not a choice. Going Gangnam Style is. And apparently, it's still going strong, and every time someone signals the death of Gangnam Style, up pops another high-profile figure (be it President Obama, the mayor of London, China's top dissident artist, or Madonna) to keep the phenomenon alive. In the four months since the music video by South Korean rapper Psy went viral on YouTube, it has been name-checked and imitated by an impressive roster of global notables from world leaders to sports stars and business tycoons. And the public has joined in with tens of thousands turning out for giant flashmob performances of Psy's horse-riding dance in cities like Paris and Rome. While many believe Gangnam Style will ultimately prove to be a one-hit wonder, the song has shown surprising staying power and an unlikely ability to penetrate international corridors of power. And it now has an Afrikaans twist - a singer named Dirk van der Westhuizen is "sampling" the massive viral hit in his new track called Supercool (Gangnam Style). This "club track" features Pretoria-based singer Dirk - who has just released his second album Is Dit Jy - styling himself after Psy and even incorporating the famous Gangnam Style dance into the video's choreography, backed by a bevy of busty beauties. To see the video, click here.

Poo goes down at Carrow Road

Manchester United slipped to second spot in the Barclays Premier League after losing to Norwich City this morning in an insipid encounter at Carrow Road. Anthony Pilkington scored the only goal in this game, and Rafael got the only yellow card. But I'm sure those bellends at Norwich City played well.

I should have never seen the new Twilight movie

And it's not because it was bound to suck. But first, today is the 44th anniversary of the Heidi Game. This was an American football game played on November 17, 1968. The home team, the Oakland Raiders, defeated the New York Jets, 43–32. The game is remembered for its exciting finish, as Oakland scored two touchdowns in the final minute to overcome a 32–29 New York lead. The Heidi Game obtained its name because NBC controversially broke away from the game with the Jets still winning to air the television film Heidi at 7pm in the Eastern Time Zone. In the late 1960s, few professional football games took longer than two and a half hours to play, and the Jets–Raiders three-hour time slot was thought to be adequate. A high-scoring contest, together with a number of injuries and penalties for the two bitter American Football League rivals, caused the game to run long. NBC executives had ordered that Heidi must begin on time, but given the exciting game, they decided to postpone the start of the film and continue football coverage. As 7pm approached, many members of the public called NBC to inquire about the schedule, either to complain or opine, jamming NBC's switchboards. As NBC executives were trying to call the same switchboards to implement their decision, the change could not be communicated, and Heidi began as scheduled. The movie pre-empted the final moments of the game in the eastern half of the country, to the outrage of viewers who missed two Oakland touchdowns that turned the game around.

Now onto why I should have never seen the new Twilight movie. The fight scene at the end was such a let-down. The fight was actually quite well choreographed, but it was all just one character's imagination, and the scene ended with them deciding they wouldn't fight that day. It was as if M Night Shyamalan was the real director. There, I said it. Now please don't subject yourself to that anticlimactic bull.

Bend it down under

Moves are underway to bring former England and Manchester United star David Beckham to play in the A-League. The Australian understands there have been tentative discussions with Beckham’s management for him to play in the A-League when his contract with US Major League club LA Galaxy ends next month. He has already visited Australia three times during his tenure at Galaxy. During said visits, he played against Sydney FC in 2007, Newcastle Jets in 2009, and Melbourne Victory last year. He is one of the biggest names in world football and I'm sure his presence in the A-League along with Italian superstar Alessandro Del Piero would take the national competition to another level. But what I'm more concerned about is whether or not the club he plays his first A-League game for will have the vast sums of money needed to bring this great man to their starting eleven.

Speaking of eleven, BP have blood on their hands. But what does that have to do with the number eleven? Well let me tell you: a list has just been released. The list in question is a list of the eleven workers who died after a blast on the BP-leased drilling rig Deepwater Horizon on April 20, 2010 (Central Daylight Time) about 50 miles (80 km) southeast of the Louisiana coast in the Gulf of Mexico. The rig was owned by the Swiss firm Transocean Ltd. It was drilling the Macondo well, in which BP was the majority owner. On the morning of April 22 — after burning for about a day and a half — the Deepwater Horizon sank. It rests on the bottom about a mile below the Gulf surface. None of the men worked directly for BP. Two were employed by M-I Swaco (a division of oil field services company Schlumberger) and the other nine worked for Transocean. The men were:

• Jason Anderson, 35, of Midfield, TX. A father of two. His wife, Shelley, said Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday. Anderson began preparing a will in February 2010 and kept it in a spiral notebook. It sank with the rig.
• Aaron Dale "Bubba" Burkeen, 37, of Philadelphia, MS. His death at the Deepwater Horizon came on his wedding anniversary and four days before his birthday. He was married with two children.
• Donald Clark, 49, of Newellton, LA. He was scheduled to leave the rig on April 21, the day after the blast.
• Stephen Ray Curtis, 40, of Georgetown, LA., Curtis was married and had two teenagers.
• Gordon Jones, 28, of Baton Rouge, LA. Jones arrived on the rig the day before the explosion. He died three days before his sixth wedding anniversary and 10 minutes after talking to his pregnant wife, Michelle Jones. Their son, Max, was born three weeks later.
• Roy Wyatt Kemp, 27, Jonesville, LA. Kemp was married. His daughter's birthday was 3 days before the explosion. Kemp was scheduled to leave the rig on April 21.
• Karl Kleppinger Jr., 38, of Natchez, MS. Kleppinger was a veteran of the first Gulf War and the father of one child.
• Keith Blair Manuel, 56, of Gonzales, LA. Manuel had three daughters. He was a fan of LSU athletics and had football and basketball season tickets.
• Dewey A. Revette, 48, of State Line, MS. Revette had been married to his wife, Sherri, for 26 years when the rig exploded. He was scheduled to leave the rig on April 21.
• Shane M. Roshto, 22, of Liberty, MS. His wife, Natalie, filed a lawsuit April 21, 2010, saying she suffered post-traumatic stress disorder after her husband was killed in the explosion. He was set to leave the rig on April 21.
• Adam Weise, 24, Yorktown, TX. Weise drove 10 hours to Louisiana every three weeks to work on the rig. A high school football star, he spent off- time hunting and fishing. He was scheduled to leave the rig on April 21.

In other news, Katy Perry was horrified when a romantic meal with boyfriend John Mayer at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills almost turned into a confrontation with her ex husband and she ducked under her table to avoid him.

No witnesses doesn't mean no crime

That's right, just because you thought nobody would see you doing the deed in public doesn't mean that they can't put you away for indecency. A couple from Italy found that out the hard way today. Italy's highest court has rejected their appeal, in which they said they should not have been convicted of obscene acts in public because they had sex outside while the rest of their town was inside watching a football match. The couple, then a 60-year-old man and a 40-year-old woman, were caught having sex outside in southern Italy in 2006 while the national football team was playing against Ukraine in the World Cup quarterfinals in Germany. Their defence at a previous trial was that they had timed their tryst under the stars so they would not offend anyone, because everyone else would be watching the game on television. But just for the record, not everyone is into soccer. Even though every other sport is relegated to the background during the World Cup, not everybody in town would be at home watching soccer. There is a chance that somebody could be in the area watching the spectacle. And speaking of glasses, downtown roads around a luxury hotel in Toronto remained closed for hours after a panel of glass fell from an upper floor of the building yesterday afternoon (Eastern Standard Time). A panel of glass fell from the 34th floor of the Trump International Hotel & Tower around 4:10 p.m. EST, striking several vehicles below near the intersection of Bay and Adelaide streets, police said. As a result, several roads around the building were closed off during the busy rush hour, including the eastbound lanes of Adelaide Street at Bay. The roads finally reopened after seven hours.

Clashing with reality

Before we begin today’s post, let’s take a moment of silence. Yesterday was the 30th anniversary of a boxing match that should have been stopped a lot shorter than it was. The boxers, Ray Mancini and Kim Duk Koo, met in an arena outside Caesars Palace on November 13, 1982. They went toe to toe for a good portion of the bout, to the point that Mancini briefly considered quitting. Kim tore open Mancini's left ear and puffed up his left eye, and Mancini's left hand swelled to twice its normal size. After the fight, Mancini's left eye would be completely closed. However, by the latter rounds, Mancini began to dominate, landing many more punches than Kim did. Had the fight stopped after 12 rounds, all would have been well. But when the fighters came out for the 14th round, Mancini charged forward and hit Kim with a right. Kim reeled back, Mancini missed with a left, and then Mancini hit Kim with another hard right hand. Kim went flying into the ropes, his head hitting the canvas. Incredibly, Kim managed to unsteadily rise to his feet, but referee Richard Green stopped the fight and Mancini was declared the winner by TKO nineteen seconds into the 14th round. Ralph Wiley of Sports Illustrated, covering the fight, would later recall Kim pulling himself up the ropes as he was dying "One of the greatest physical feats I had ever witnessed." But if I were the ref, I would've stopped the fight after twelve rounds because 15 is just too much for most boxers. Sadly, the ref didn’t see it that way, but he felt so bad about letting the fight continue that he ended up killing himself the following summer (Northern Hemisphere summer).

But now that that one piece of important business is out of the way, we can now get to something more current: Kevin Clash, the man who's lent Elmo his voice since 1984, has taken a leave of absence from Sesame Street amid accusations from a 23-year-old man who says Clash had sex with him when he was 16 and Clash was 45. But Sesame Workshop says it believes the allegations "are false and defamatory," and that Clash is taking leave so he can "protect his reputation." Clash's accuser has accused Sesame Workshop of trying to silence him, and has hired a team of lawyers that represented one of Jerry Sandusky's victims. But there won’t be any trial to worry about because that bellend has since recanted his little sob story. He seriously needs to get a life. He may have only been going after Kevin Clash because he’s black, and anyone, including but not limited to Obama, could be next.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Anders Behring Breivik

That bellend complained in a letter to the Norwegian prison service last week that his coffee is served cold, he does not have enough butter for his bread, and he is not allowed moisturiser. None of those three things would bother me that much - cold coffee is still coffee, butter tastes like barf, and moisturiser is for girls. And besides, prison is supposed to be a punishment. Breivik did a horrible thing and he is serving a minimum 21-year sentence (which can be indefinitely extended for as long as he is considered a danger to society) for it. He has other complaints (my responses to the complaints will be shown in brackets):

• the handcuffs he wears when being moved around the prison "are too sharp" and "cut in his wrist" (which is basically how the victims' families feel when thinking about their loved ones who had died at the hands of Breivik);
• the cell is too cold, forcing him to wear three layers of clothes (but a lot of other people in Norway would have to wear even more layers because it can get really cold outside);
• he has to rush his morning shave and brushing of teeth (as do a lot of non-prisoners when they're running late); and
• light and television switches are outside the cell, so he has to ask for help to change the channel or sleep (he should be lucky he even has these modern conveniences in his cell because there are people who don't have a television or even electric lighting, let alone know how to work the gadget/s).

Maybe all that will make him appreciate his freedom and stay on the right side of the law so he doesn't go back to jail after being released.

Gangster Style in Kenya

A hard-hitting movie about gang culture has become the first-ever film from Kenya to be considered for an Oscar. "Nairobi Half Life" has recently been shown in London at Film Africa 2012, having already made history as the most successful theatrical release for a local film in Kenya, according to its producers. It's the debut film from Kenyan director David "Tosh" Gitonga, who says he wants to change views about crime in the country. "We keep saying crime is wrong, but are we really looking at why there is crime?" he says. "I don't believe Kenyans get into crime for fun and giggles." Neither do I, but the film has been selected as the Kenyan entry for the Best Foreign Language Oscar at the 85th Academy Awards, and it is the first time Kenya have submitted a film in this or any other Oscar category. I haven't seen it yet, but the premise makes you think - why can't those bellends go Gangnam instead of gangster? And speaking of Gangnam, Zara Phillips and her fellow Team GB equestrian team members will be dancing ‘Gangnam Style’ to raise money for Children in Need. The Royal, Olympian, and granddaughter to the Queen will be dancing in full equestrian kit to the strains of Psy’s surprise electro-pop hit, which has spawned many an imitation (including but not limited to one by some Eton schoolboys and one that got a group of lifeguards fired).

Villa lose due to own goal

This morning (NZ time) at Villa Park, Manchester United once again had to come from behind but showed incredible spirit to beat Aston Villa 3-2. Man United scored twice courtesy of Javier Hernandez, and again courtesy of an own goal by Ron Vlaar. Both of Aston Villa's goals were scored by Andreas Weimann. Two players, one from each team, got yellow-carded.

Save the cows for another occasion

Kenya's government plans to ban bride-price payments, legalise polygamy, and consider couples co-habiting for more than six months to be legally married. The controversial proposals were approved by the cabinet, but will not become law until passed by parliament. The cabinet said the bill aimed to offer legal protection to all forms of marriages in the country, be they Christian, Islamic, Hindu, civil, or traditional. But enough about that because authorities in Ghana have detained a municipal works official accused of allowing the construction of the multi-storey building which collapsed yesterday, killing at least 18 people. Carl Henry Clerk is accused of allowing the construction of the building to take place even though he had been alerted that it had no permit and had not passed a safety inspection. Police are also searching for the architect and the engineer of the building, which collapsed just nine months after it had been constructed. Even though this may be a tragedy for the people of Ghana, the solution does not need to involve a general witch-hunt. The engineer may have had something to do with said building being structurally unsound, but the architect only designed the building and generally doesn't have anything to do with what safety features, if any, were incorporated into the final structure. This is just like those Italian scientists who were jailed for not reliably predicting an earthquake. Earthquakes are not caused by, nor can they be predicted by, man.

140 + (life * 7) = sentence for Arizona gunman

Former Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords stood in federal court to face her would-be assassin moments before he was sentenced to life in prison for killing six people and wounding 13 others, including Giffords, last year. Jared Loughner, a 24-year-old college dropout with a history of psychiatric disorders, received seven consecutive life terms plus 140 years in prison, without the possibility of parole, under a plea deal with prosecutors that spares him the death penalty. U.S. District Judge Larry Burns said the life sentences he imposed - one for each of the six people who lost their lives and a seventh for the attempted assassination of Giffords - represented the individuality of the victims. The lengthy sentence means that barring any potential escape, Loughner will never have the opportunity to pick up a gun and do this again. And another murderer was also dealt to this week: 47-year-old Jerome Isaac, a former handyman who doused a 73-year-old woman in petrol and burned her to death in an elevator in her apartment building, has pleaded guilty to her grisly murder. He admitted his guilt as part of a plea deal that will put him behind bars for 50 years for the death of Delores Gillespie in Brooklyn, New York last December. As he appeared in court in Brooklyn on Wednesday, his face was still scarred with burns that he sustained during the gruesome killing. The deal came after Isaac, who has been held in solitary confinement, was caught on surveillance camera attacking Gillespie after she returned home from buying groceries.

Trying the Dead

A bizarre legal bid to prosecute a dead man has been thrown out by a judge today, who said the case resembled a famous Monty Python comedy sketch involving a dead parrot. The case of two Korean trawler officers accused of dumping fish at sea was called at Christchurch District Court today. But while the skipper of Oyang 77, Dae Jun Lee, appeared in the dock, his co-accused, 42-year-old Soon Ill Hwang, was not present as he died in a car crash in China after charges were laid against him earlier this year. But there are still a lot of living people to try, for instance, a Rotorua painter who admitted a charge of obtaining by deception after he was paid $400 for a paint job he did not do. The painter, whose name is Nicholas Russell Matenga, appeared before a Community Magistrate in the Rotorua District Court yesterday and pleaded guilty to a charge of obtaining NZ$400 by deception. According to the police summary of facts, Matenga walked into the Ranolf Bakery in December last year when the owner was preparing for the bakery's grand opening the next day. Matenga introduced himself to the owner and walked around the bakery, looking at the fresh paint work. He made comments implying the work had not been done properly and said he had over 25 years' experience. This is not the sort of decorator that I would want to hire for my home or anyone else. But there is one person I would've at least considered for any sort of work had she not been killed for wanting such a job. That's right, a man in Herat in western Afghanistan has confessed to stabbing his wife to death to prevent her from taking a job outside the home, police said today. Mohammad Anwar, who was arrested in the provincial capital for the murder, said he killed his wife during an argument over whether she should work at private company in the city, for which he should be executed, as should two parents from Pakistan who killed their teenage daughter just for looking at a boy riding past on a motorbike. The girl's parents, Mohammad Zafar and his wife Zaheen, recounted the October 29 incident from jail. The father said the girl had turned to look at a boy who drove by on a motorcycle, and he told her it was wrong. "She said 'I didn't do it on purpose. I won't look again.' By then I had already thrown the acid. It was her destiny to die this way," the girl's mother told the BBC in an interview.

Celebrate more Obama, come on!

President Barack Obama rolled to re-election and a second term in the White House today with a clear victory over Republican challenger Mitt Romney. Romney called Obama to concede after the president's victories in Ohio and the heavily contested swing states of Virginia, Nevada, Iowa, and Colorado carried the Democrat past the 270 electoral votes needed for victory. Obama, America's first black president, won by convincing voters to stick with him as he tries to reignite strong economic growth and recover from the worst recession since the Great Depression of the 1930s. In the Congress and Senate elections, Obama's Democrats held their Senate majority, while Romney's Republicans retained House of Representatives control. Democrat Claire McCaskill retained her U.S. Senate seat from Missouri, beating Republican congressman Todd Akin, who stirred controversy with his comment in August that women's bodies could ward off pregnancy in cases of "legitimate rape." Democrats gained a Senate seat in Indiana that had been in Republican hands for decades after Republican candidate Richard Mourdock called pregnancy from rape something that God intended. Democratic congressman Joe Donnelly won the race. But at least I didn't have to choose between a douche and a turd. And speaking of turds, a central African country has suspended New Zealand-based Internet entrepreneur Kim Dotcom's new website domain. The Gabon government said it was immediately suspending the me.ga site, which was due to be hosted on Gabon's .ga domain, to "protect intellectual property rights" and "fight cyber crime effectively", the phys.org website reported. The country's Communication Minister Blaise Louembe said Gabon could not "serve as a platform or screen for committing acts aimed at violating copyrights, nor be used by unscrupulous people". However, Dotcom's not giving up. He tweeted that he has an alternative domain. But whatever domain name he picks for the successor to Megaupload, I won't be using it if I can find good movies and TV shows elsewhere.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Suicide

Why suicide? Because on this day in 2004, some bellend named Brian Drysdale engaged in a successful suicide attempt and killed six more people (the train driver and five passengers, one of which survived but then died in hospital) in the process. That night at 6:12pm GMT (7:12 the following morning New Zealand Daylight Time), the First Great Western 17:35 service from Paddington Station (in London) to Plymouth (an InterCity 125 led by a Class 43 power car) collided with a stationary automobile at an automatic level crossing close to the rural Berkshire village of Ufton Nervet. The inquest concluded in November of 2007 that the accident was caused by Drysdale, at the time a chef at the nearby Wokefield Park Hotel, committing suicide by parking his car on the crossing. This is a reason why suicide should never be attempted. Killing yourself is one thing, but in this particular case, six others died in the process. And besides, killing others in the process is the main goal of suicide bombers, of which one detonated a bomb in the Hama province of Syria yesterday killing 50 Syrian military personnel. This attack is the largest attack on Bashar al-Assad's forces in the civil war so far.

Gas + water = disaster

About 30 motorists in Dunedin and Oamaru encountered engine problems after filling their vehicles with contaminated petrol from one of four stations last Friday. The fuel had been contaminated with water during "routine pipeline testing" at a terminal in Dunedin earlier in the day. The contaminated 91-octane petrol was delivered to three BP sites (Regent on George St, Dunedin North on Cumberland St, and the one in Oamaru) and Mobil Northgate on Cumberland St. The 91-octane fuel tanks at these stations were closed after the problem was discovered. All had since been cleaned and reopened, but this is just another reason not to use cars. There's already the fuel costs and driver licences etc to worry about, but you can't tell until you start your car whether or not there's water in the petrol. Of course water may seem like a cleaner fuel, but if it's mixed in with petrol and you unknowingly fill up your car with the ominous mixture, then you're going to have a bad time. Save the water for an attempt at sabotage.

Chelsea no longer on top

That's right, Chelsea have been knocked from the top of the Barclays Premier League table after Man United beat a ten-strong Arsenal 2-1 this morning at Old Trafford. Man United's goals were scored by Robin van Persie and Patrice Evra. Santi Carzola scored the goal for Arsenal. Eight players were booked; one of those, Jack Wilshere, was sent off for a second bookable offence.

It takes more to tango

Argentinian lawmakers passed a new measure on Wednesday lowering the nation's voting age to 16. Representatives in the South American country's lower house overwhelmingly voted in favor of the law, and a majority of senators approved it last week. The move to lower the voting age from 18 to 16 comes a year before a key mid-term election in Argentina, and some critics have said it's an attempt by President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and her party to garner more votes. But supporters of the measure say it will give young people more opportunities to participate in politics, and that could be a good thing. Now for a bad thing: police in northern England were called to investigate this week after children who were out trick-or-treating for Halloween were given small snap-top bags of what turned out to be cocaine. The bags, containing white powder, were given to police after they were handed to the children on Wednesday evening in the small town of Royton, Greater Manchester Police said in a statement. Testing confirmed that they contained cocaine, and a man was arrested. I've heard of dangerous items like razor blades hidden in Halloween candy but this is just wrong, as are rumours that Amanda Bynes wandered around a New York tanning salon completely naked in search of goggles to wear. She has reportedly threatened to sue a tabloid magazine over said story, which cited an unnamed eyewitness who said the former Nickelodeon star seemed "totally out of it" as she reportedly walked around the main lobby before returning to a private spray-tan room. "I'm not 'troubled,'" Bynes told Us Weekly on Thursday as she declared her intent to sue InTouch. "I don't get naked in public. I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, retired. Please respect my privacy." InTouch have already incurred the wrath of Tom Cruise in recent weeks, so to print sleaze about Amanda Bynes would not be a good idea for the time being. And neither is sticking your penis into the blades of a fan, something that Nickelback star Chad Kroeger admits he once paid his drum technician $375 to do. The band frequently got bored on the road and the rocker, who is now engaged to singer Avril Lavigne, admits he previously dared one of his pals to risk major injury just for some extra cash.

This elephant was made for talking

Korean is considered one of the hardest languages in the world to master, but an elephant in a South Korean zoo is making a good start. Koshik, a 22-year-old Asian elephant, has stunned experts and his keepers at Everland Zoo near Seoul by imitating human speech. Koshik can say the Korean words for "hello," "sit down," "no," "lie down," and "good." His trainer, Kim Jong Gap, first started to realize Koshik was mimicking him several years ago. "In 2004 and 2005, Kim didn't even know that the human voice he heard at the zoo was actually from Koshik," zoo spokesman In Cherl Kim said. "But in 2006, he started to realize that Koshik had been imitating his voice and mentioned it to his boss." So basically we're dealing with an elephant that can talk. That's quite amazing but what could be even more amazing is an elephant that can do that stupid Gangnam Style dance.

Small on size, big on awesome

For Apple fans desperate to be the first to get their hands on the company’s newest product, the iPad mini, there is only one place to be tomorrow – New Zealand. With Apple setting the launch date for iPad mini sales at 8 a.m. local time on Nov. 2, buyers in the small island nation have a significant time zone advantage. While New Zealand is not the first country in the world to wake up (that distinction going to Tokelau, Samoa, and the Line Islands), it is my homeland, the easternmost nation with an Apple retailer, and the first country in the world to sell the iPad mini. The iPad mini will go on sale across the country 20 hours before it does in Apple’s hometown San Francisco. In other iPad mini news, tomorrow's launch of the iPad mini will apparently mark the first time an iOS device carries stereo speakers. It appears that Apple's move to the smaller Lightning dock connector has left enough space for an additional speaker along the bottom edge of the device, although the company has for some reason elected not to make a similar addition to the larger-model iPad. So if you're looking to gift a tablet this holiday season, I suggest putting an iPad mini in the relevant stocking (or if Christmas is not your thing, whatever receptacle Hanukkah or Kwanzaa presents are put in). But for now, click here for a Tetris game built into a pumpkin. I'm sure it'll be better than Gangnam Style.