All stung up and no place to go

We have made it halfway through 2013, and the Bellend of the Month for June 2013 is Larry Goodwin. He was a man from Texas who died after a swarm of Africanized bees disturbed by his tractor attacked, stinging him more than 1,000 times early this month. The bees were living inside an old chicken coop that 62-year-old Goodwin was pushing over to clear off his property, neighbor John Puckett told CNN affiliate KCEN-TV. "He lifted the whole hive and disturbed them all and they just came swarming out of there and trapped him on his tractor," Puckett said. His daughter and neighbors rushed to help, but they said there was nothing they could do to save Goodwin. This is why people shouldn't disturb beehives, especially those of Africanized bees. Africanized honey bees, which are hybrids of African and European bees, can be highly defensive around their nests and swarm more frequently than other honey bees. If Goodwin had been more careful around his hive, he would still be alive today.

Penis chopper off to the cooler

A southern California woman convicted of cutting off the penis of her then-husband and throwing it into a garbage disposal was given a life sentence yesterday with the possibility of parole after seven years, authorities said. Catherine Kieu and her husband were going through a divorce at the time of the July 2011 incident, which was widely compared to the 1993 attack against John Wayne Bobbitt by his then-wife Lorena, who cut off his penis with an 8-inch carving knife while he slept. Kieu laced her husband's dinner with the sleep medication Ambien after they had an argument over a friend possibly staying with them at a later date. When the husband went to sleep, Kieu tied his legs and arms to the four corners of the bed, and when he awoke, she pulled down his pants and severed his penis with a knife. Kieu then threw the severed penis into the garbage disposal, turned it on, and mutilated it. You don't just cut off someone's privates like that, especially if it was over something as stupid as whether or not a friend should stay for a few days. But because Kieu, who is a native of Vietnam, didn't know any better, she will be serving seven years to life for one felony count of torture, one felony count of aggravated mayhem, and a sentencing enhancement for the personal use of a knife. I hope that gives her enough time to reflect on her nasty lapse in judgement.

Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy, Oi Oi Oi

Kevin Rudd has been sworn in as prime minister for a second time, three years after being deposed, and now faces the daunting task of reworking policy and replacing more than one third of the cabinet just months before an election. I wish him luck with that, but there is somebody in Japan who will need it more. That person is Hoji Takahashi, and he is suing Japan's national broadcaster, NHK, for "mental distress" caused by an excessive use of words borrowed from English. Mr. Takahashi is seeking 1.4 million yen (NZ$18000) in damages from NHK. Mr Takahashi, who is a member of a campaign group supporting the Japanese language, highlighted words such as "toraburu" (trouble), "risuku" (risk), and "shisutemu" (system) in NHK's news and entertainment programmes. He accused NHK of irresponsibility by refusing to use native Japanese equivalents. "The basis of his concern is that Japan is being too Americanised," his lawyer Mutsuo Miyata told the news agency AFP. That lawsuit is just stupid. I would never file suit against a TV channel over their choice of language or programming. If he doesn't like the programme, he should watch something else or go tend to his rock garden.

Squeaky clone end for Madiba

For years tyre giant Goodyear has been trying to stem losses at a plant in northern France, but has failed to persuade unions to agree to its plans. Now it wants to close the factory, and the battle has moved to the courts. How much longer can the struggle continue? That's the same question we should be asking about Nelson Mandela. The condition of the former South African leader has deteriorated in the last few days, presidential spokesman Mac Maharaj has said. The announcement came as President Jacob Zuma cancelled a trip to Mozambique following consultations with Mr Mandela's doctors. While the life of a great person is ending, a new life is beginning over in Japan - in mouse form. That's right, scientists in Japan have cloned a mouse from a single drop of blood. Circulating blood cells collected from the tail of a donor mouse were used to produce the clone, a team at the Riken BioResource Center reports in the journal Biology of Reproduction. The female mouse lived a normal lifespan and could give birth to young, say the researchers. Scientists at a linked institute recently created nearly 600 exact genetic copies of one mouse. With numbers like that, there is the possibility that this could be used to restore endangered species to their former glory, so think before you oppose this important scientific development.

Blerk betters the perc

The days of keeping piles of coffee loyalty cards in wallets may be over, thanks to a Hamilton-based civil engineer-turned-coffee maestro. Hendrik van Blerk and his team have developed the new technology on one app and there are plans to take the technology New Zealand-wide. With the app, all loyalty cards can be stored on phones and will register patronage, alert the user to benefits, and renew cards when they have been filled. All users have to do is download the free app for iOS or Android, go to their favourite coffee outlet or cafe, and ask if they are using SmartCoffeeCard. Each participating cafe has a unique QR code. Cafe and coffee outlets get benefits too. SmartCoffeeCard's users are listed on their website with details like the type of beans the cafe uses and a link to the roaster's website. This could be a great app for both coffee shop and customer to look into and potentially benefit from. Also set to benefit from recent developments are pregnant women seeking abortions in Texas, because a vote on a new law which could close most of the abortion clinics in the US state of Texas came too late to pass. The senate had approved the bill, which bans abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy and requires all procedures to take place in surgical centres. But Texas Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst later confirmed that the vote had not met a midnight deadline. This is why meeting deadlines is important. No matter what side you are on regarding abortion or any other hot-button issue, it would be a lot better for you if you meet deadlines as often as possible.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Robbery

That's right, robbery. And yet some people still do it. A man, who tried to rob a group of people waiting in line to buy the new $180 LeBron James sneakers, was shot and killed when one of the customers pulled out a gun. The incident took place before dawn Saturday outside a shoe store in Atlanta's Little Five Points area. The group was waiting for the store to open for the day so they could buy the LeBron X Denim on its first day of release. Police said the man approached the group with a gun in hand and tried to rob them. One of the men in the group, who was not charged with a crime, took out his own handgun and fired at the robber. That bellend deserved to be shot because this is some very serious fire he was playing with. You don't just attempt to rob a bunch of people and expect that your evil plans will succeed. Case in point: last September, I went to see Hotel Transylvania. Even though I had paid extra for a 3D session, the cinema put the 2D version in the projector, ripping off not just me but everyone else who went to that particular screening. But I got the last laugh when I snuck into another 3D session at the same venue the following day. So if you're going to play with that grade of fire, then don't expect not to get burnt.

It's critical now

South Africans are heading to work in a sombre mood as they await news on former President Nelson Mandela. The South African presidency announced on Sunday evening that Mr Mandela had become critical, even though doctors were "doing everything possible". A senior official said South Africans should not hold out "false hopes". Neither should Edward Snowden, who is apparently considering applying for asylum in Ecuador. Washington is urging Moscow to send Snowden back to the United States instead of letting him fly to Ecuador for asylum. Snowden, a computer contractor who exposed details of secret U.S. surveillance programs, is a man on the run. After being holed up in Hong Kong for weeks, he took a flight to Moscow on Sunday, with help from the anti-secrecy group WikiLeaks. His next destination is believed to be Ecuador, who has already given WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange refuge in its embassy in London for a year after he unsuccessfully fought extradition to Sweden in British courts. But he should remember that asylum is granted on a case-by-case basis and just because Assange got asylum doesn't necessarily mean Snowden will. But enough about that because Hostess is betting on a sweet comeback for Twinkies when they return to shelves next month. The company went bankrupt after an acrimonious fight with its unionized workers last year, but is back up and running under new owners and a leaner structure. It says it plans to have Twinkies and other snack cakes back on shelves starting July 15.

1200 POSTS!

Should you skip the bedtime stories and do math problems instead? Laura Overdeck, the founder of "Bedtime Math," thinks so. Her mission: to make math friendlier in a way by introducing kids to math problems at an early age. Here's her plan. You get your kids into their PJs. You tuck them in with a math equation on top of their bedtime story. And you can find a sample of her bedtime math puzzles here. But the question on everybody's minds: will this really be of use to anybody? I know one thing that won't be: roads in part of Bristol city centre have been closed today in the city's first car-free Sunday. Baldwin Street, King Street, and Corn Street are among the roads shut to traffic in Mayor George Ferguson's Make Sunday Special initiative. It is the first of five monthly events aimed at opening up the centre of Bristol for pedestrians. But some people claim Mr Ferguson - who is closing the roads from 9am to 6pm local time - is anti-motorist. The city has been crowned the European Green Capital for 2015 and the traffic free Sunday idea was part of the bid. This has the germ of a good idea. The problem is that UK roads and city centres in particular do not lend themselves to this kind of initiative. And speaking of initiative, here's a poor use for it: nearly 300 children have strangled to death or were seriously injured by window-blind cords since 1996, and at least ten of those have been in military housing where residents often are prohibited from making changes that might have prevented the deaths, according to a safety advocacy group. The deaths have spurred parents into action, but they're tangling with the bureaucratic weight of the Pentagon and limited resources to sound the alarm.

Order and progress at long last?

Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff has unveiled a series of reforms in an attempt to end days of nationwide anti-government protests. The demonstrations began over transport fare rises in Sao Paulo, but quickly grew into rallies across the country against corruption and other issues. In a televised address she said she would draft a new plan to benefit public transport and that all oil royalties would be used in education. She also said that thousands of doctors would be drafted in from overseas to improve the national health service. That's a good plan and I think it will work, but I can think of another way to calm the protesters: yoga. Why yoga? New York's Times Square, one of the world's busiest crossroads, has come to a standstill to allow yoga enthusiasts to mark the summer solstice. The Manhattan square became a sea of yogis exercising in time on their mats, beneath the billboards. Tim Tompkins, co-founder of event, said part of its appeal was finding stillness and calm amid the city rush on the longest day of the year. Into its 11th year, the event has grown from three people to more than 15,000, none of which are affected by an ultimatum given to Google by the UK Information Commissioner's Office. Google have 35 days to delete any remaining data it "mistakenly collected" while taking pictures for its Street View service, or face criminal proceedings. The ICO's investigation into Google reopened last year after further revelations about the data taken from wi-fi networks. During that inquiry, additional discs containing private data were found. Google had previously pledged to destroy all data it had collected, but admitted last year that it had "accidentally" retained the additional discs. The ICO has told the search giant it must inform it if any further discs of information are discovered.

Both systems go

Samsung has unveiled a tablet that can switch between the Windows 8 and Android operating systems. The Ativ Q has a 13.3in (33.8cm) screen that sits over a keyboard that can be folded out for typing or set to act as a stand. In addition, it has a stylus. It comes just over a fortnight after Asus unveiled its own laptop-tablet hybrid which also runs both Microsoft and Google's systems. One analyst said he expected this to be a trend that other firms would follow. "It's a very cost-effective way for manufacturers to offer extra value to consumers at a time when it's very hard to differentiate benefits from one device to another," said Chris Green, who is a principal technology analyst at Davies Murphy Group. "You can tap into the industry-standard Windows productivity solutions - from Office to third-party programs - as well as all the mobile apps of Google's system. It's the logical next step." Bollocks. The logical next step would be to get rid of your rubbish device and get an iPad. Remember - if it's not an Apple, it's crapple.

No tumours for Rufus

A rodent that never gets cancer could hold the key to preventing or treating malignant tumours, say scientists. Lab studies show the skin cells of the naked mole-rat (pictured) are high in a natural sugary substance that stops tumours developing. The findings could lead to new human cancer therapies in the long term. There is one person, however, that won't be around for any of those therapies. That person, James Gandolfini, was the US actor best known for his role as a therapy-seeking mob boss in The Sopranos, and has died at the age of 51. Gandolfini suffered a possible heart attack while on holiday in Rome. The New Jersey-born star had been in Italy to attend the Taormina film festival in Sicily. He won three Emmy awards for his role as Tony Soprano, a mafia boss juggling his criminal career and family life. Rest in peace, Mr. Soprano.

Scottish manager to start career at English club in Wales

New manager David Moyes begins his reign as Manchester United manager with a trip to Swansea on the opening weekend of the season. It has also been confirmed that 33 of Man United's games next season will kick off on a Saturday afternoon at 3pm local time. In non-soccer-related news, Chinese telecommunications firm Huawei has unveiled its latest mobile handset, the Ascend P6. It is the thinnest on the market and has the most powerful front-facing camera on the market, according to the firm. But I will not be buying it because it's not an Apple product. Apple's products are one of the few things in this world that are worth the extra money. But enough about that because it is known to many a parent (and many who are not themselves parents) that getting children to take a nap can be hard. However, getting them to eat pancakes is not nearly as difficult. But how are the two related? I'll tell you how: police in Westerville, Ohio, say a 37-year-old mother operating a day care out of her home hit upon a plan - she allegedly crushed medications that cause drowsiness and put them in pancakes. The mother, whose name is Tammy Eppley, has been charged with six counts of child endangerment. Her first court date is July 12. Eppley, who runs the Caterpillar Clubhouse, cared for six children (including one of her own) between the ages of 2 and 5. That seems to be a rather fool-proof way of getting children to sleep, but it's just wrong. I mean, what if one of the children was molested or kidnapped during their nap?

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Bad customer service

Everything was going fine for Joseph Gibson, until the bill came. But it wasn't the amount on the check that angered Gibson, who had stopped at a St. Louis sports bar on Sunday to chow down. It was a line on the special order section for his young son that set him off. Under "1 -- Wing Sauce" the receipt (picture 1) read: "F***** Needy Kids." The name of the bar? Friendly's. Denny Domachowski, the general manager of Friendly's Sports Bar and Grill, told CNN the waitress meant it as a joke and intended to delete it before handing the bill to Gibson. The waitress has been reprimanded, but I would've taken it further because despite the name of the establishment, that was totally unfriendly. No customer should ever have to put up with this mistreatment. If I had come in there with my niece (picture 2) and had to endure that sort of abuse from the staff, then I wouldn't pay those losers.

Wikileaker survives a year in one place

A year has passed since Julian Assange sought refuge in Ecuador's embassy in London. While the Wikileaks founder has not gone beyond the balcony at the embassy's Knightsbridge headquarters, much movement has been going on behind the scenes. In fact, a lot of downward movement happened right here in our own back yard: a British man has survived a fall from the 15th floor of a building in New Zealand. Tom Stilwell, who is said to be in New Zealand on a working holiday, fell from his neighbour's balcony in his apartment block in Auckland at 2am yesterday. Mr Stilwell discovered he was locked out of his flat, and asked a neighbour if he could climb down from her balcony into his flat. He had been trying to lower himself onto his balcony, which was directly below his neighbour's. His fall was broken by the roof of an adjacent building, reportedly some 13 floors below. His friends said that he had bone fractures and internal injuries, but was "fine" and "a very lucky man". He should be, because it is very rare and unusual to survive a fall of that height. I hope he recovers soon.

New president for Iran, stoning in Afghanistan

Moderate cleric Hasan Rouhani was declared the winner of Iran's presidential vote yesterday after gaining support among many reform-minded Iranians looking to claw back a bit of ground after years of crackdowns. The powerful showing by the former nuclear negotiator allowed him to avoid a two-person runoff and demonstrated the strength of opposition sentiment even in a system that is gamed against it. The ruling clerics barred from the race reform candidates seen as too prominent, allowing a list of hopefuls who were mainly staunch loyalists of the supreme leader. But the opposition settled on Rouhani as the least objectionable of the bunch, making him the de facto reform candidate. Meanwhile, over the border, a doctor in Sar-i-Pul in the north of Afghanistan was reportedly thrown from a balcony and stoned by an angry mob for treating a female patient in an examining room without a chaperone. It’s not clear whether Dr. Ajmeer Hashimi was killed or severely injured and sent out of Afghanistan for medical attention, Afghan officials told the New York Times. The female patient is reportedly in good condition at a women’s shelter. It's a good thing that the woman is alive, but no doctor should be stoned just for doing his job. Doctors are there for a reason - to treat the ill and the injured. Just because his patient is a woman is the weakest excuse in the book for attempting to kill him.

Dreißig Kiwi Web-ballons

Google is launching balloons into near space to provide internet access to buildings below on the ground. About 30 of the superpressure balloons are being launched from New Zealand from where they will drift around the world on a controlled path. Attached equipment will offer 3G-like speeds to 50 testers in the country. Access will be intermittent, but in time the firm hopes to build a big enough fleet to offer reliable links to people living in remote areas. I think a better use for these would be to help people get around extensive Internet censorship should they be unfortunate enough to live under the rule of oppressive tyrants. Speaking of incompetent government, Detroit will immediately stop debt payments, city financial manager Kevyn Orr has announced, as he set out a proposal to creditors that would see them take a drastic cut on the money they are owed. The money will instead be used to keep the city operating, and US$1.25 billion will be reinvested in public services over the next decade, Orr said. Creditors were asked to accept 10 cents on the dollar of what they are due. This is not good enough. I would never accept that big a cut, but then again, I'm not one of the parties that the city owes money. Mr Orr, who is black, should instead be careful not to give the people of Detroit one more reason to call him the N-word. But I hope his plans can keep Detroit from having to file for bankruptcy in the short term.

Disabled kid loses all ability too soon

We’ve had another death in the autism community. Another lost child. Another story ended. This time, however, it could have been avoided. The child did not wander, nor was he a victim of a horrible accident. The child, 14-year-old Alex Spourdalakis of Chicago, was killed by his mother Dorothy Spourdalakis, and godmother Jolanta Agata Skrodzka. They murdered him, which was clearly the wrong thing to do. They are currently facing charges of first-degree murder for their grave misdeed, and will next appear in court on Wednesday (Central Daylight Time). Also for the record, the women also allegedly killed their cat for fear he would be sent to a shelter. I hope this story serves as both a lesson and a warning. To parents who think they have no choices left, reach out for help. There is always an answer, even if it means you have to surrender your child to keep him/her alive. To those who would profit from autism, you disgust me. You prey on the vulnerable, and your demise can not come soon enough. To everyone, be aware of the special needs families in your lives. Reach out to them in any way you are able. Even the smallest gesture can make a rough time easier. Learn a little about autism, and autistic individuals. Alex Spourdalakis did not have to die. But because he did, we will learn to be better. We have to. And so does African warlord Joseph Kony. He and his struggling militia are reportedly poaching elephant ivory across central Africa to get funds for weapons, ammunition, and food. Kony is wanted by the International Criminal Court for alleged war crimes. He is accused of recruiting underage boys as fighters and girls as sex slaves, and is the subject of a massive manhunt aided by U.S special forces. His militia, the Lord's Resistance Army, has been butchering elephants for years, according to a report released last Tuesday by various groups, two of said groups being the Enough Project and the Satellite Sentinel Project. Kony's antics need to stop. The sooner this happens, the better it will be for all of us.

#hashtags #nowonfacebook

Facebook is adding support for hashtags to help its members keep track of popular topics being discussed on the social network. That's right, adding the "#" sign to a word will turn it into a clickable link which brings up a feed of what other people are saying about the same topic. Using hashtags to identify a theme was popularised on the internet by Twitter. Other services that support hashtags include Pinterest, Tumblr, Google+, Sina Weibo, LinkedIn, and Instagram, the last-named of which is owned by Facebook. But now that Facebook has joined the #hashtagrevolution, their site can now offer a "larger view of what's happening". Experts said that hashtags might also aid ad sales. But the main thing is, there is no longer any need to #saveitfortwitter because hashtags now work on Facebook. In #othernews, many of Greece's public services are in disarray because of a general strike in protest at the government's surprise move to shut down state broadcaster ERT with the loss of nearly 2,700 jobs. The 24-hour strike, which includes Greek media, began at midnight local time (9am New Zealand Standard Time). Marches under way in Athens are due to converge outside ERT's offices.

Third consecutive World Cup for the green and gold

Australia moved within one win of a place at the 2014 World Cup in Brazil after a commanding 4-0 defeat of Jordan in Group A of the Asian qualifying section. Here's how it went down in terms of scoring: veteran midfielder Mark Bresciano opened the scoring after 15 minutes in Melbourne before New York Red Bulls' Tim Cahill doubled Australia's lead with a header just past the hour mark. Winger Robbie Kruse, who recently joined Bayer Leverkusen, made it 3-0 with a fine solo effort, with captain Lucas Neill grabbing his first ever international goal to seal the rout. Good on them, as long as they don't bowl underarm in the process. But enough about that because there's been some nastiness going on. It's called "Apple picking," a growing wave of crime in which thieves target mobile devices, particularly iPhones and iPads. Now the company that gave the crime its name is taking a step to stop it, with a "kill switch"-style update aimed at making the mobile gadgets less valuable to thieves. Activation Lock will be part of iOS 7, the latest version of Apple's mobile operating system expected to roll out in the fall. The feature will require an Apple ID and password before the phone's "Find My iPhone" feature can be turned off or any data can be erased. At a keynote address opening its annual Worldwide Developers Conference, the company said the same ID and password will be needed to reactivate a device after it's been remotely erased. Also set for erasure is some of the royalties that Pandora have been paying to music publishers. The company is making a bold move in an attempt to lower those fees: It's buying a terrestrial radio station in South Dakota mainly to score lower rates. The radio station buy is the latest salvo in Pandora's ongoing legal fight with the performance-rights group American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers (ASCAP). Pandora says ASCAP discriminates against the company by charging it higher royalty rates, as well as letting publishers pull their song catalogs from Pandora while keeping them available for competitors.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Gays against gays

Jonathan Soroff lives in liberal Massachusetts with his male partner, Sam. He doesn't fit the common stereotype of an opponent of gay marriage. But like half of his friends, he does not believe that couples of the same gender should marry. "We're not going to procreate as a couple and while the desire to demonstrate commitment might be laudable, the religious traditions that have accommodated same-sex couples have had to do some fairly major contortions," says Soroff. Slamming gay marriage is one thing, but such bigoted opinions should not come from the mouth of a homosexual. You can't just turn against your own kind like that. And you can't just swim in excessively alkaline water just because it looks like a tropical beach. Because humanity does not seem to have learned that extremely valuable life lesson, a pool at a disused Derbyshire quarry, known locally as the Blue Lagoon, has been dyed black in a bid to deter people from swimming in it. Signs put up by the High Peak Borough Council last year around the previously bright blue water - which gets its colour from the caustic chemicals in the quarry stone - warn people it could cause skin irritations and stomach problems. The signs also state there are vehicles, rubbish, and dead animals in the water. But despite all that, and the water at the quarry at Harpur Hill (near Buxton) having a pH level of 11.3, dozens of people still swim there. A council spokeswoman said the pool contained vehicle parts and "all sorts of rubbish", and warned that the water temperature was "extremely cold".

Rationing is ration-out

Today is the 175th anniversary of the Myall Creek massacre, which involved the killing of up to 30 unarmed Australian Aborigines on 10 June 1838 at Myall Creek, near Bingara in northern New South Wales. After two trials, seven of the 11 colonists involved in the killings were found guilty of murder and hanged. They should've hanged the other four as well because this crap is not on. The first white men to settle in Australia were kicked out of England for various criminal misdeeds, and fifty years later, it seemed that their descendants hadn't learned from their parents' and grandparents' mistakes. For those of you who think killing Aborigines would be a good idea in 2013, don't. Just remember that while they may be "just another bunch of stinking Abos" or whatever to you, Aborigines are people too. But let's not dwell on that ugly stain on Australian history any further because Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro says he has halted a plan to restrict the sale of basic food items in Zulia, the country's most populous state. The scheme would have limited the number of packages of items such as rice, milk, and sugar that each shopper was allowed to buy. The authorities said it was aimed at curbing smuggling to Colombia, where many basic foodstuffs are more expensive and could be resold for a profit. Critics had said the plan to restrict the sale of 20 basic food items constituted food rationing.

Unlocking with the face

A dozen male train drivers in Sweden have circumvented a ban on shorts by wearing skirts to work in hot weather. The workers, who operate the Roslagsbanan line north of the capital Stockholm, have been wearing skirts to work for the past two weeks. Employer Arriva banned the drivers from wearing shorts after taking over the running of the line in January. But the company has given the men its blessing to wear skirts, according to local newspaper Mitti. That is actually an inventive way around such a problem, but here's another: Android users could soon be asked to pull a series of faces to unlock their phones or tablets. Google has filed a patent suggesting users stick out their tongue or wrinkle their nose in place of a password. It says requiring specific gestures could prevent the existing Face Unlock facility being fooled by photos. The Jelly Bean version of Android introduced the need for users to blink their eyes as a check, but users soon demonstrated it could be fooled. A spokesman for Google was unable to comment on when the suggested technology might be implemented, but the faces made could make you look like a total bellend, so I suggest switching to an iPhone. You can set an actual password instead of a 4-digit PIN to unlock it, and you can even put accented letters (including ä, é, ç, and ñ) in that password. That is definitely more secure than making a series of faces.

New manager brings in several new faces

David Moyes has signed his first Manchester United player, a Uruguayan full-back named Guillermo Varela. The 20-year-old transferred from Atlético Peñarol for an undisclosed fee. Moyes, who has replaced the retired Sir Alex Ferguson, will be able to view Varela in action immediately at the Under-20 world championships, which take place in Turkey from 21 June to 13 July. Varela has nine Under-20 caps but has played only one senior game for Peñarol, whose coach, Jorge da Silva, has said: "This is what he deserves. It is a shame to see him go but you can't deny him the opportunity to join a club like this." Something else that can't be denied is that Miranda Kerr likes yoga. The supermodel spent some time recently stretching "it out," she wrote last week on Twitter, sharing a photo of her flexible self on a beach somewhere. Kerr added, "#yoga #openyourheart #summertime." A few hours later, Kerr did away with part of that swimsuit. She shared a topless shot of herself, posing in the sand, with her arms covering her breasts. They all seemed to be part of a photo shoot for her Kora Organics line of products. But seriously, nobody cares. All I care about is whether or not Moyes is the right man to be stepping in Sir Alex's shoes.

Landmark to get landmark term behind bars

Today is the fifteenth anniversary of one of the most heinous events in recent history, which happened when three white supremacists murdered African American James Byrd, Jr., by chaining him behind a pickup truck and dragging him along an asphalt road in Jasper, Texas. One of the three bellends responsible, Lawrence Russell Brewer, was executed by lethal injection for this crime by the state of Texas on September 21, 2011. The other two are still alive at time of writing: John William King remains on Texas' death row while appeals are pending, while Shawn Allan Berry was sentenced to life imprisonment. But now that that ugly piece of business is out of the way, a young man who helped his friend spray-paint swastikas and other offensive statements on Jewish graves at a central Auckland cemetery has been told he is "staring down a sentence of imprisonment". 20-year-old Christian Landmark, originally from the UK, spent last night in custody and will stay there until he is sentenced later this month. It serves him right. This insensitive and unethical behaviour should not be tolerated. There are better things people could be doing with their lives than desecrating a Jewish cemetery.

Murderer becomes next top jock

An Australian minister says an award given to one of the radio DJs behind a royal prank call linked to the death of a UK nurse is "in bad taste". Michael Christian was given the "Next Top Jock" award by his employer. Last year he and co-host Mel Greig made a prank call to the London hospital where the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge was being treated for morning sickness. The nurse who answered the phone and believed the callers were the Queen and Prince Charles was later found dead. Australian Communications Minister Stephen Conroy told local media he disagreed with the award. "There were some very serious consequences of what was a prank," he said. "And to be seen to be awarding people so soon after such an event I think is just in bad taste." And that is why I wouldn't give him an award for being such a bellend. In fact, I would have fired that prick. That was one of the worst ideas known to man for a prank call.

RIP common sense

Lawyers for 10-year-old Sarah Murnaghan, who has been denied a lung transplant because of a controversial federal policy, say Health and Human Services' Secretary Kathleen Sebelius' decision to review the policy - but not in time to save Sarah - is unconstitutional. Sarah would be at the top of the adult lung transplant list if she were 12, because she only has weeks to live and a lung transplant would as-good-as cure her of cystic fibrosis. The Murnaghan family is fighting a little known organ transplant policy that is effectively pushing Sarah to the bottom of the adult transplant waiting list because it mandates that adult lungs be offered to all adult patients before they can be offered to someone under 12 years old. Law firm Pepper Hamilton LLP wrote a letter to Sebelius on Monday calling the policy "unfair, arbitrary, and capricious" and saying that Sebelius's failure to make an exception is a violation of Sarah's constitutional rights to "due process" and "equal protection," according to a family statement. Seriously, people. There has to be a better way. As an uncle of an almost four-month-old girl, I would most definitely have something to say about that crap if my niece is similarly denied medical treatment based on some unethical excuse for a policy. This is not on.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: No more room service

It is the perk that comes with expense accounts, the silver tray that wakes lovers in the morning, and the frequent indulgence of the superspy James Bond. Room service has become all these things and more, since it grew in popularity with the privileged guests of the Waldorf-Astoria in the 1930s and soon emerged as a standard for luxury excursions, and a plot device for tales of suspense and whimsy. Just ask Eloise, the 6-year-old scamp living it up in the Plaza Hotel, who routinely called for room service to bring her one roast-beef bone, one raisin, and seven spoons. And yet room service will soon be no more at one major New York City hotel. In August, the New York Hilton Midtown, in the heart of Manhattan, will discontinue food and drink service to all 2,000 of its rooms. In its place will be a new self-service Herb n’ Kitchen stocked with grab-and-go items. A spokesman for the hotel, which is part of the chain that also operates the Waldorf, cited declining demand for room service as the reason; some hotel industry experts see the elimination of the labor-intensive amenity as a way for the chain to save money. This is just not on. Even if you never order the expensive Three Scrambled Organic Eggs (priced at US$22.50) or the reliable Cobb Salad (priced at US$24.75) at 1 a.m., it is always comforting to know that either can be delivered to the door, its arrival punctuated by a few knocks and exactly two words. But no, the bellends running the show want to end all that because they think it would be a better idea to dehumanise the service and pander to the lowest common denominator. One should expect more of a hotel charging US$300 a night. In fact, one should take their business elsewhere - the Waldorf, for instance, will not be losing room service, and a Hilton spokesman said the company was evaluating its other hotels on a case-by-case basis.

In comes Doctor number 12

Doctor Who star Matt Smith is to leave his role as the Doctor at the end of this year, the BBC has announced. Smith first stepped into the Tardis as the 11th Doctor in the New Year's Day episode of 2010. Taking over from David Tennant, he was the youngest actor to play the role. But after four years as the Time Lord, viewers will see Smith's Doctor regenerate in the 2013 Christmas special. But enough about that because almost 1 in 10 secondary students believe tomatoes grow underground, according to a new survey conducted by the British Nutrition Foundation (BNF). Over 27,000 students who were between the ages of 5 and 16 were given the survey by the BNF. After looking through the results, the foundation firmly believes that more education on healthy cooking and eating needs to be given out. There also needs to be more education on where each foodstuff comes from (and no, it's NOT the supermarket) because also recorded in the survey, primary students in the UK think cheese comes from plants and a quarter of them think fish sticks are made from chicken or pigs. I mean, seriously, I know they're just kids but fish sticks are called fish sticks for a reason. Nineteen percent of participants did not know potatoes grew underground, while 10 percent of them thought they grew on either bushes or trees. Speaking of stuff that doesn't grow on trees, Chinese currency and U.S. dollars are being used more widely than ever in North Korea instead of the country's own money, a stark illustration of the extent to which the leadership under Kim Jong-un has lost control over the economy. The use of dollars and Chinese yuan, or renminbi, has accelerated since a disastrous revaluation of the North Korean won in 2009 wiped out the savings of millions of people. This is just like what happened in Zimbabwe four years ago, so Kim Jong-un better sort out the mess his predecessors dug their nation into because the growing use of foreign currency is making it increasingly difficult for Pyongyang to implement economic policy, resulting in the creation of a private economy outside the reach of the state that only draconian measures could rein in. Also, North Korea is one of the most closed countries in the world, so it is difficult to determine what impact this could ultimately have on Kim's regime.

Mugabe headed for the exit at long last

Zimbabwe's highest court has ordered President Robert Mugabe to ensure the African country holds elections by the end of July. Chief Justice Godfrey Chidyausiku said that out of a nine-judge panel only two had dissented to the ruling he delivered. Mugabe "is hereby ordered and directed to proclaim dates for presidential, general elections ... which elections should take place not later than 31 July 2013," the justice said in a packed Supreme Court chamber. The ruling was made after a former journalist with a defunct daily newspaper asked the court to order Mugabe to call for elections by end of June. But enough about that because toking up may help marijuana users to stay slim and lower their risk of developing diabetes, according to the latest study, which suggests that cannabis compounds may help in controlling blood sugar. That is just stupid because we all know that marijuana has a well-deserved reputation for increasing appetite via what stoners call "the munchies." It has already been proven that THC shrinks tumours for lung cancer patients, helps to avoid bladder cancer, reduces obesity, can be used as a sleep aid, helps cancer patients with nausea and appetite, and makes life bearable for patients with Lou Gehrig's Disease, Multiple Sclerosis, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and other debilitating diseases. Maybe they should study it more thoroughly before making any further claims.

Racism has been shown the red card

Teams could be relegated or expelled from competitions for serious incidents of racism after tough new powers were voted in by FIFA, who passed the anti-racism resolution with a 99% majority at its congress in Mauritius. First or minor offences will result in either a warning, a fine, or an order for a match to be played behind closed doors. Serious or repeat offences can now be punished by a points deduction, expulsion, or relegation. Further to the regulations that relate to clubs or international teams, the new measures will also see any individual who commits a racist offence banned from stadiums for a minimum of five matches. This new development could really make a difference to how people feel about soccer. Also making a difference is the fact that the US has eased restrictions on the sale of mobile phones and other communications devices, software, and services to Iranians. The move is intended to promote Iranians' political freedom, countering what the US describes as Tehran's efforts to "silence its people". The shift marks the first time Apple's iPhone, as well as inferior devices based on Android, can be exported legally to Iran. The US had toughened sanctions in recent years in an effort to force Iran to curb its nuclear programme, but they have finally realised that the sanctions in question, despite having good intentions, had undermined human rights and civil society efforts of Iranians, and helped the regime. I hope Obama can keep the good times rolling until a new president is inaugurated in 2017.

Another manager out of a job

The Bellend of the Month for May 2013 is Roberto Mancini, who was sacked as Manchester City manager a year to the day since winning the Premier League for the first time in 44 years. The club said he "had failed to achieve any of the club's targets, with the exception of qualification for next season's Champions League". Chairman Khaldoon Al Mubarak said the club also needed to "develop a holistic approach to all aspects of football at the club". "There wasn't the togetherness between player and manager," former defender Danny Mills told BBC Radio 5 live. "Basically, Mancini just ignored players from day one. He was the manager, he made decisions, he made no attempt to have any sort of relationship with the players, didn't take them under his wing. It was very much, 'I'm the manager, I'll do my thing, I'll pick the team, and then I'll disappear'." Of course he should be sacked. To sum it up, Mancini was never any good for Man City, with the exception of winning last season's Premiership, and I'm sure Moyes won't last one season at Man United.

Just pick one and lock it in already

In the past week, Eddie McGuire, president of Collingwood Football Club and host of the Australian version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, has made his stance on racism unclear. Last Friday, a 13-year-old Collingwood fan referred to Adam Goodes, a footballer of Aboriginal descent, as an 'ape' during a game at the Melbourne Cricket Ground, following which McGuire apologised to Goodes "on behalf of the Collingwood Football Club and on behalf of football". McGuire criticised the girl and said that Collingwood had a "zero tolerance" policy towards racism. That's the good news. Bad news is yesterday, McGuire himself made an on-air racist reference to Adam Goodes and King Kong, also using the word 'ape'. Even worse, the board members of the Collingwood Football Club have offered Eddie McGuire their full support to continue as president. So which one is it? It's bad enough he bowled underarm with his King Kong comments, but we don't know where he truly stands on this thorny issue.

Rebels with arms

The two most notorious and violent street gangs in Honduras have promised to end the violence which has claimed tens of thousands of lives. Mara Salvatrucha and Mara 18 Street said they would commit to zero crime and zero violence on the streets. I don't believe them. No gang would just give up on violence like that. That's just stupid. In a not-so-stupid move, the European Union has voted to lift its embargo on arming Syrian rebels effective in August, in a move that British Foreign Secretary William Hague said was intended to pressure Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to negotiate. "It was a difficult decision for some countries, but it was necessary and right to reinforce international efforts to reach a diplomatic solution to the conflict in Syria," Hague said in a written statement. "It was important for Europe to send a clear signal to the Assad regime that it has to negotiate seriously, and that all options remain on the table if it refuses to do so." But what doesn't remain on the table is Nike's partnership with Livestrong. The sportswear giant is ceasing to make products for the Livestrong Foundation, the cancer charity founded by disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Vocab tests in spelling bees

In addition to unleashing gems like weissnichtwo and humuhumunukunukuapua'a on us, the 281 contestants in the Scripps National Spelling Bee, which begins today, will have to know what the words mean too. This is the first time in its 86 years that the competition has introduced a vocabulary component. It will count for 50% of a speller's overall score and will help determine which competitors take part in the semifinal and the championship rounds. Spelling tests, both computer-based and onstage, will make up the other half of their scores. This is just wrong. The reason these competitions are called "spelling" bees has nothing to do with vocabulary and definitions - it should remain strictly a spelling bee. That's why they even bothered to put the word spelling in it. Why they called it a bee, however, is a totally different story.

Tanks a lot

European Union foreign ministers are discussing British and French calls for an easing of sanctions against Syria so that weapons can be supplied to the rebels. France and the UK are expected to argue that the move would increase pressure on Damascus for a political solution. I too would support such a move, but then there's the problem of making sure Bashar's forces don't get a hold of them first. In fact, they should bring tanks in to help the rebels. And speaking of tanks, it took six years, but Jim Montgomery's dream to bring a battle tank to the South Haven American Legion post has come true. Last week, a tank that had been at a Veterans of Foreign Wars of the United States (VFW) hall in Au Gres, arrived at its permanent home on a concrete pad just east of the South Haven post on Michigan Avenue, overlooking the harbour. The tank at the post is an M60-A3, which was put into production in 1960. It's only fitting that the tank arrived at the post just days before Memorial Day. Also fitting is the fact that an intimate love story about two young French women has won the Palme d'Or for best film at the Cannes Film Festival. The movie in question, Blue is the Warmest Colour, is a three-hour coming-of-age movie in which Adele Exarchopoulos plays a 15-year-old who falls in love with an older woman played by Lea Seydoux, and it prevented US film-makers the Coen brothers from repeating their Palme d'Or success of 1991, when they won for Barton Fink. Their latest film Inside Llewyn Davis, about the 1960s New York folk scene, won this year's Grand Prix, effectively the runners-up prize.

Gay pride going Kiev Style

About 100 activists have staged Ukraine's first gay pride march in the capital Kiev, ignoring a court ban. A gay-rights event planned for last year in Kiev was called off at the last minute after a gathering of skinheads threatened participants. "This can be considered a historic day," Olena Semenova, one of the organisers, said. And even though the parade was unsanctioned, the police were the good guys this time around - they arrested 13 people for trying to break up the rally. In other news, Obama has defended the use of drones in a "just war" of self-defence against deadly militants and a campaign that had made America safer. In a wide-ranging speech on a programme shrouded in secrecy, he said there must be "near certainty" that no civilians would die in such strikes. "We are at war with an organisation that right now would kill as many Americans as they could if we did not stop them first," he said in Thursday's address at the National Defense University in Washington DC. "So this is a just war - a war waged proportionally, in last resort, and in self-defence." But just or not just, let's not dwell on that forever because if there is one movie you lot need to see, it's The Hangover: Part 3. I saw it yesterday and it is one of the funniest movies so far this year. Let's hope The Internship can top it.

Brown's tweets land him in the brown

An upstate New York student says he got a three-day suspension for creating a controversial Twitter hashtag encouraging discussion of the school district's failed budget. Pat Brown, a senior at Cicero-North Syracuse High School, says he created #s**tCNSshouldcut to brainstorm ways his school could save money in response to voters on Tuesday rejecting a $144.7 million budget plan. The budget did not receive the 60% voter approval it needed. Many students were concerned, Brown said, because the school board had warned that if a new budget was not eventually passed, they might have to eliminate athletic programs, other extra-curricular activities, and some teacher positions. The budget is up for a revote on June 18, and they'd better pass it or else the cuts will come rolling in during the academic year ahead.

Also in line for a shake-up is iOS. Rumours that Apple is preparing major design changes with iOS 7 continue to heat up, with new reports suggesting a more muted and flat design aesthetic. Last October, Jonathan Ive became responsible not only for the look and feel of Apple hardware, but also its software. By most accounts, Ive is not a fan of the skeuomorphic heavy design cues that currently dominate iOS. While it was previously rumoured that Ive was planning a broad user interface overhaul with iOS 7, we didn't have many specific details. Now, 9to5 Mac is reporting that Ive's look for iOS 7 will be "black, white, and flat all over." According to 9to5 Mac's sources, many of the textures currently present in iOS — linen on the notifications panel and leather in the calendar app — will be replaced with flat black and white colours. As for the home screen, apps will no longer have gloss, shadows, and shine applied to the icons, but their corners will remain rounded. 9to5 Mac also suggests that apps such as Mail, Calendar, and Maps will gain a more unified look. The report suggests that all apps will share a similar white base each with its own unique colour scheme. The green felt from Game Center and the wooden shelves from Newsstand have also reportedly been removed.

Scout's honour goes to the rainbow crowd

Openly gay youths will be allowed to join scouting, a historic decision the Boy Scouts of America says will keep it unclouded by "a single, divisive, and unresolved societal issue." More than 60% of the group's 1,400-member national council have voted at an annual meeting in Grapevine, Texas, for the change, which takes effect next year. "No youth may be denied membership in the Boy Scouts of America on the basis of sexual orientation or preference alone," says the resolution. This is a historic step forward, but unfortunately, the new policy does not go far enough, leaving adult Eagle Scouts, scout leaders, and parents behind. There is always something that can be done better. No matter how good you think your idea is, it can always be made better - unless, of course, it's Gangnam Style. Gangnam Style and PSY's latest hit, Gentleman, have almost two billion combined views. Click here and/or here to help bring two of the best songs in the world closer to the big 2 billion.

Scouts may soon take in the out

The eyes of the country will be upon Texas today, because that's where 1,400 members of the Boy Scouts of America's national council are expected to vote on whether to end the 103-year-old group's outright ban on gay youths. The vote comes more than a decade after a Supreme Court ruling that found the organization has the right to keep gays out, but also amid declining participation in the venerable American institution. The outcome, to be announced late afternoon (Central Daylight Time), follows months of intense debate among interest groups and within the ranks of scouting itself. It comes down to a single sentence at the end of a resolution, that sentence being "no youth may be denied membership in the Boy Scouts of America on the basis of sexual orientation or preference alone." If the policy change is approved, it won't take place until next year, and it won't be enough because the BSA will maintain its ban on openly gay adult leaders. It's about time the BSA started letting gay youths in, but what about openly gay adult leaders? They should change the word "youth" in the amendment to "person" so as to truly make Scouting for everybody.

Dictator lives to fight another day

Guatemala's top court has thrown out the conviction for genocide and crimes against humanity of former military leader Efrain Rios Montt. The constitutional court ruled that the trial should restart from the point where it stood on 19 April. On 10 May, Gen Rios Montt was convicted of ordering the deaths of 1,771 people of the Ixil Maya ethnic group during his time in office in 1982-83. They shouldn't just restart a trial like that, because what Rios Montt did is genocide and he should be executed for his part in the atrocities. You can't just order the ethnic cleansing of a minority group and expect to get away with it. It has already taken the courts 30 years to punish the wrongdoers, so why should it take any longer?

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Train derailments

Two trains have derailed in the same area within days of each other, but KiwiRail says it is just an unfortunate coincidence. Spokeswoman Kimberley Brady confirmed a Matangi train derailed in the Wellington Railway Station yards on Friday and would remain there until this weekend. KiwiRail had started its own investigation, but it was thought the derailment was caused by a points failure, points being part of a railway track that steer trains on appropriate tracks. The derailment came three days before another derailment yesterday that caused major commuter delays and saw 350 people stranded on the older Ganz Mavag train, which left the tracks near the Interislander terminal. They'd better start work on fixing the points soon, and preferably before a third train derails. It's only a matter of time before the worst comes.

Draw at the end of the road

Sir Alex Ferguson requested that his Manchester United players express themselves in his final game in charge, and that's what they did this morning at The Hawthorns during an unbelievable 5-5 draw (Man United's first 5-5 draw since 1895) against West Brom. With the sun shining on the scene of his footballing farewell, the Scot saw his side throw away 3-0 and 5-2 leads as history was made in the Black Country. Shinji Kagawa, Alex Büttner, Robin van Persie, and Javier Hernandez all scored, and Jonas Olsson put through his own net, but a hat-trick by substitute Romelu Lukaku, along with one goal each by James Morrison and Youssouf Lubumbu, helped the Baggies ensure Sir Alex's career ended on a slightly disappointing note. Only one yellow card was given out; it was given to Paul Scholes, who is also retiring. Now 5-5 may not have been the parting result Sir Alex would have wanted, or deserved, but there was entertainment all the way, and as he waved farewell to the away end, he may have reflected that any more matches like this would not be good for his blood pressure!

Copeland coping well

On May 1, 2012, Aimee Copeland, a University of West Georgia graduate student, was outdoors with friends at the Little Tallapoosa River, about 50 miles west of Atlanta when the homemade zip line she was holding snapped. She fell and got a gash in her leg that required 22 staples to close. Three days later, still in pain, she went to an emergency room, and doctors eventually determined she had necrotizing fasciitis caused by the flesh-devouring bacteria Aeromonas hydrophila. Doctors performed amputations to save her life. She lost parts of all limbs: her hands, a leg, and a foot. Fast-forward to May 2013, Aimee now uses the latest technology in prosthetic hands to chop vegetables, pick up tiny items like Skittles, and comb and iron press her hair. With the bionic hands, Copeland is looking forward to cleaning her house and cooking her own food. "I really want to be able to get back in the kitchen and start cooking some delicious vegetarian meals for myself," she said as she used the hands in a demonstration for media outlets this week. "It just mimics so well a natural hand that it really just reminds me of before the accident, how I would have done things," she added. "I never thought I would actually be able to hold a knife and cut something. That's just incredible." Yes it is, but there's also the price to consider: the "i-limb ultra revolution" hands can cost up to US$120,000 each, according to a spokesman for manufacturer Touch Bionics. This means that I won't be getting them anytime soon, especially as I don't need any prosthetic body parts at this point in time.

Gay marriage? C'est bon!

France has become the 14th country to legalise same-sex marriage after President Francois Hollande, who made "marriage for all" a central plank of his presidential election campaign last year, signed the measure into law following months of bitter political debate. Hollande acted a day after the Constitutional Council threw out a legal challenge by the right-wing opposition, which had been the last obstacle to passing the bill into law. The legislation also legalises gay adoption. But while gay rights groups hailed the move, opponents of the measures have vowed to fight on. But you can't fight this: a new study finds that painless electrical stimulation to the brain helped people perform a set of calculations faster than people who didn't receive the shocks. Not only that, the skills appeared to last long-term. "With just five days of cognitive training and noninvasive, painless brain stimulation, we were able to bring about long-lasting improvements in cognitive and brain functions," study author Roi Cohen Kadosh, an experimental psychologist at the University of Oxford, said in a statement. I know a few people who could benefit from this treatment, Justin Bieber being one of those. And speaking of bad taste, a Jersey City woman has been charged with aggravated assault after she threw hot water and broccoli on her daughter after a dispute. The woman, 40-year-old Themyra Pridgen of Old Bergen Road in Jersey City, made her first appearance today in Central Judicial Processing court in Jersey City via video link from Hudson County jail. Information on her daughter's condition was not immediately available.

50 billion users can't be wrong

Apple has sold its 50 billionth application through its App Store. The Cupertino-based maker of computers, iPads, iPhones, and iPods, said Apple device users were now downloading 800 applications per second or two billion apps per month. The 50 billionth download was by Brandon Ashmore from Mentor, Ohio, who bought wordgame Say the Same Thing by Space Inch, LLC, and received a $10,000 App Store Gift Card for his download. Congratulations, Mr. Ashmore. I hope you get a lot more good luck out of that card. Speaking of good luck, decorated New Zealand director Jane Campion has been presented with the prestigious Carrosse d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival. Campion was honoured by her peers at the opening of the Directors' Fortnight, following an illustrious list of previous recipients including Clint Eastwood. This is not Australian-based Campion's first win at Cannes - she had also won the coveted Palme d'Or (best film prize) for her 1993 drama The Piano.

Byron goes royal

Media speculation is rife that former All Black Byron Kelleher may be romantically involved with Princess Charlene of Monaco. Spanish newspaper ABC ignited the flame at the weekend with a report that the wife of Prince Albert II did not accompany her husband to the coronation of the new Dutch King Willem-Alexander two weeks ago because she was in her native South Africa with Kelleher. So what? If Byron is romantically involved with a princess, good for them. Now onto something not so good: BP has warned that millions of dollars of "fictitious" compensation claims for the 2010 Gulf of Mexico oil spill are putting the company at risk. The group has sought an injunction to stop payouts to companies which its argues are claiming fraudulent or inflated losses from its 8.2 billion US dollar (£5.4 billion) compensation pot. Reports said an appeal document recently filed by BP in the US courts argues that businesses from the Gulf coast have been handed millions of dollars for "non-existent, artificially calculated losses". This is just Big Oil being Big Oil. BP are still not taking any responsibility for their part in the oil spill. They shouldn't have drilled there, maybe then they wouldn't be in this mess.

Free Syrian Army not as free as we thought

The Free Syrian Army has pledged to punish atrocities amid outrage over a video showing the mutilation of a corpse, as the regime ruled out discussing President Bashar Al-Assad's departure in negotiations. The mainstream rebel group made the statement after a gruesome video of an alleged rebel fighter cutting out and apparently eating the organs of a regime soldier emerged online. This is not how the Free Syrian Army should be dealing with this - I would recommend that soldier for a promotion because he gave the regime a good taste of their own medicine. And speaking of medicine, Chinese police have busted two gangs involved in the production and sale of counterfeit medicines and health products, the Ministry of Public Security (MPS) announced yesterday. The counterfeit medicines, including cold remedy capsules Nifedipine Tablets, were produced in central Henan Province by local unemployed villagers and sold in many other provinces.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: D-Mar Construction

Belizean police are investigating said construction company after they had destroyed most of one of the largest Mayan pyramids in the Caribbean nation to make gravel to dump on village roads. Archaeologists and a local TV station witnessed the destruction on Friday as bulldozers and excavators continued to demolish the 60-foot-tall main temple at Nohmul ("great mound"), one of the tallest structures in northern Belize, along the Mexican border in the Yucatan Peninsula. "We can't salvage what has happened out here," John Morris, of the Institute of Archaeology, told 7 News Belize. "It is an incredible display of ignorance. I am appalled." So am I. You don't just bulldoze ancient ruins for your own agenda. There's bound to be some other place they could've gotten stone from, and besides, all pre-Hispanic ruins in Belize are protected by law, so criminal charges are a possibility.

Swans lose to best in Fergie's last home game

This morning at Old Trafford, Manchester United supporters heralded their champions and bade emotional farewells to Sir Alex Ferguson and Paul Scholes before, during, and after a 2-1 victory over Swansea. Javier Hernandez slid home the opening goal of the game shortly before half-time of a game in which United bossed possession, only for Michu to draw the visitors level shortly after the interval. Swansea improved markedly after the break, and either side could have secured victory in an open second half, but it was left to unlikely hero Rio Ferdinand to blast home the winner with just three minutes remaining. Not only did the only good team in the Premier League win, it was a fair, clean fight in which nobody was shown either card.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's Super-Wheat!

British scientists say they have developed a new type of wheat which could increase productivity by 30%. The Cambridge-based National Institute of Agricultural Botany has combined an ancient ancestor of wheat with a modern variety to produce a new strain. In early trials, the resulting crop seemed bigger and stronger than the current modern wheat varieties. That is quite impressive, but it will take at least five years of tests and regulatory approval before it is harvested by farmers. While we wait for the harvesting of said wheat to commence, I suggest visiting an Argentine town which has risen from the briny deep in the Argentinian farmlands southwest of Buenos Aires. Villa Epecuen was once a bustling little lakeside resort, where 1,500 people served 20,000 tourists a season. But disaster struck when the town was flooded without warning after a long period of heavy rains finally sent the lagoon bursting over its banks, submerging the small community in 1985. The town hasn't been rebuilt but it has become a tourist destination again, for people willing to drive at least six hours from Buenos Aires to get there, along 340 miles (550km) of narrow country roads. People come to see the rusted hulks of automobiles, furniture, crumbled homes, and broken appliances. They climb staircases that lead nowhere and wander through a graveyard where the water toppled headstones and exposed tombs to the elements. It's a bizarre, post-apocalyptic landscape that captures a traumatic moment in time.

SHIELD ready to assemble on the small screen

Marvel's Agents of SHIELD is coming to the small screen. That's right, ABC has picked up Marvel's first TV series, which focuses on a small group of agents from the worldwide law-enforcement agency known as SHIELD. They investigate the strange and unknown in an effort to protect the public. The network also picked up 11 other series, including Super Fun Night (which stars Rebel Wilson) and The Goldbergs. But enough about that because Pakistanis headed to the polls today in an election that will mark the first transition between civilian governments in the nation's 66-year history. The election is a rarity for the young nation which, in its short existence, has experienced three military coups, been ruled by generals for half its life, and remains mired in political turmoil. But all that might change one day. Speaking of change, there is one accommodation provider in New Zealand that needs to loosen its uptight morals which are more befitting of Texas. The offending accommodation is a place in Whangarei called Pilgrim Planet Lodge. A lesbian couple were turned away from said guesthouse after it refused to let them share a bed. Jane Collison and Paula Knight made an online booking for a room with a king-sized bed at the Pilgrim Planet Lodge. But when they arrived on Tuesday, they were told only rooms with single beds were available. When they queried the booking, the owner eventually told them the booking was correct, but she was offended by same-sex couples sleeping in the same bed. She would not even let them push two singles together, so they had to go somewhere else. Seriously, people, this is not on. It is illegal under the Human Rights Act to discriminate against someone in the provision of goods and services because of their sexual orientation. Lesbians are people too.

Leaks in space

An ammonia leak has been detected in the cooling system outside of the International Space Station. Crew members at the orbital outpost spotted white flakes of ammonia floating away from the space station at about 1.30pm NZT. However, NASA has since confirmed that no crew members are in danger and the station is operating normally. That is good news and so is this: a military judge has again denied a request from accused Fort Hood gunman Army Major Nidal Hasan to remove the death penalty as a punishment option in his forthcoming court-martial on charges of killing 13 people in a 2009 shooting rampage. That was the good news, but now for the bad: David Moyes has been appointed as the new manager of Manchester United after agreeing a six-year deal. The 50-year-old, who will replace 71-year-old Alex Ferguson on July 1, revealed his desire to leave current club Everton earlier yesterday. Moyes, who has been in charge at Goodison Park since 2002, will take charge of the club's final two Premier League games of the season before making the move to Old Trafford. But seriously, why is Fergie doing this to his fans? Moyes hasn't won a single Premiership for Everton, and I highly doubt he'll be the best thing for the Reds - they might even be relegated under his leadership.

Tales of the Subconscious - coming to a theatre near you!

Researchers are developing technology that can change the outcome of films based on the subconscious desires of the audience. Could it spell the end for the familiar sense of disappointment at movie endings? Maybe, but for now, we should be worried about a poisonous moth caterpillar which is on the increase in some parts of the UK, having been found in South London and Berkshire. The oak processionary caterpillars can cause allergic reactions because each insect is covered with thousands of toxic hairs, which can cause irritation to the eyes, the throat, and the skin. And speaking of poison, if any American has the power of persuasion over North Korea's defiant young ruler, it might be eccentric ex-basketball star Dennis Rodman. So when Rodman digitally called for Kim Jong Un to release U.S. citizen Kenneth Bae, he may have a shot at a response. "I'm calling on the Supreme Leader of North Korea or as I call him "Kim", to do me a solid and cut Kenneth Bae loose," Rodman tweeted. He might as well put a gun to Kim's head and force him to step down and allow democracy to kick in.

Another Margaret bites the dust

Margaret Groening (pictured), the mother of The Simpsons creator Matt Groening and the basis for animated matriarch Marge, has died in Portland, Oregon aged 94. Her death was announced in an obituary notice in The Oregonian, which stated she died in her sleep on 22 April. Many of Matt Groening's family details went on to feature in The Simpsons, among them his mother's maiden name - Wiggum - and his father's name Homer. But enough about that because the man accused of killing 12 people and injuring dozens in the July massacre at a Batman film in Colorado intends to plead not guilty by reason of insanity, his lawyers have said. Lawyers for 25-year-old Holmes said they would ask for the change of plea at a hearing on Monday. A judge previously entered a not guilty plea after the defence said Mr Holmes was not ready to plead. Prosecutors have said they will seek the death penalty, which should most definitely be considered because Mr Holmes is charged with multiple counts of murder and attempted murder in the 20 July attack in Aurora, Colorado. The attack, which was one of the worst mass shootings in US history, took place at the midnight premiere of the newest Batman film in a suburb of Denver. Holmes is also accused of booby-trapping his apartment with explosive chemical and incendiary devices linked by wires, intended to distract emergency responders from the cinema shooting.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Brenda Heist

Brenda Heist is the name of a Pennsylvania mother who left the laundry half done and dinner defrosting in the kitchen 11 years ago to go hitchhiking with strangers, but has returned home. Heist's two children, eight and 12 when she disappeared, are now grown. Her husband is remarried. Her family had long ago written her off as dead. Her ex had even been a murder suspect in the case. Heist was going through a divorce and struggling financially when she went missing in 2002. Tonight's shaming isn't about her little (well, not so little) disappearing act, but rather about some of the criminal acts she committed while legally dead. On Friday, Heist was taken into custody in Alachua County, Florida under the alias of Kelsi Smith for violating parole out of Pensacola for stealing a woman's driver's license. Heist was originally sent to jail following an arrest in Pinellas County for driving with an expired tag and drug possession. During that arrest, the courts learned that Heist, using her "Smith" name, was wanted in Pensacola for stealing the driver's license and sent her to Santa Rosa County to face charges. She was released from jail several weeks ago and did not report to her parole officer, which led to an arrest warrant out of Santa Rosa County in the Pensacola area.

Mata weakens insurmountable lead

Manchester United were beaten at Old Trafford this morning by a Chelsea side chasing a top-four spot as the champions conceded a late winner to Juan Mata. It was the first time the Reds failed to score in a home league game since December 2009, against Aston Villa, and the hosts ended a clash that often lacked any real intensity with 10 men after Howard Webb decided to flash a red card at Rafael in the closing stages. Webb had also flashed three yellow cards during the game.

Professor not too Keyne on Keynes

Harvard history professor Niall Ferguson has apologised for saying that John Maynard Keynes, an influential British economist who died in 1946, did not care about society's future because he was gay and had no children. Prof Ferguson, born in Scotland, made the comments at a conference in California on Thursday. He has now apologised "unreservedly" for what he called "stupid" and "insensitive" remarks, but that doesn't excuse his lapse in judgment. It is possible to be gay, childless, or both while still caring about the future of society. In other news, the boring university lecture is going to be the first major casualty of the rise in online learning in higher education, says Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales. The custodian of the world's biggest online encyclopaedia says that unless universities respond to the rising tide of online courses, then new major players will emerge to displace them in the way that Microsoft arrived from nowhere alongside the personal computer. "I think that the impact is going to be massive and transformative," says Mr Wales, describing the importance of the MOOCs (massive open online courses) that have signed up millions of students.

S4 takes nasty shot at 4S

You thought it might be all over. You thought that Samsung had tired of suggesting Apple was a fading brand for geriatrics. You may also have thought that the world runs on Cabernet and common sense. Yes, the Galaxy S4 was launched on a rocket of the beige and the tasteless. But those were just the corporate folks doing their thing. But having gotten over its tame international launch of the S4, Samsung's American arm resumes its denigration of Apple, suggesting only old folks own an iPhone. This stunt is nothing short of an outright lie. I have an iPhone, but does that make me old and wrinkly? No. Samsung are just posturing. To see their lame excuse for an ad, click here. But enough about that because
for its trip to Mars,
NASA wants haikus like this.
Why? Because it's cool.

It's no joke. NASA really is collecting submissions of three-line poems from the public to send into space aboard the Mars Atmosphere and Volatile Evolution (MAVEN) spacecraft, which will launch later this year for a mission to study the Red Planet's atmosphere. NASA and the University of Colorado at Boulder's Laboratory for Atmospheric and Space Physics are coordinating the "Going to Mars" campaign to collect names and haikus from any members of the public to be added to a DVD that will ride aboard MAVEN. All the names of entrants will be included on the DVD, but only three haikus will be chosen to make the trip. Why there's only room for three poems, or why any martians floating around in the planet's upper atmosphere are more likely to have access to a DVD player than a USB port or SD card reader remain mysteries, but it's a fun campaign nonetheless. Anyone can register on the Going to Mars Web site and submit his or her name and haiku to be included, but if you're under 18, you're technically supposed to have a parent or teacher go through the registration and submission process for you.

Ref almost down for the count

46-year-old Ricardo Portillo, a longtime Utah soccer referee, is in a coma after being punched by a teenage player unhappy with one of his calls during a weekend game, and his family says they're hoping for the man's miraculous recovery and want justice for him. Portillo has swelling in his brain and his recovery is uncertain as he remains in critical condition, Dr. Shawn Smith said yesterday at the Intermountain Medical Center in the Salt Lake City suburb of Murray. Police say a 17-year-old player in a recreational soccer league punched Portillo after the man called a foul on him and issued him a yellow card. The teen has been booked into juvenile detention on suspicion of aggravated assault. Those charges could be amplified if Portillo dies. The attack on Saturday wasn't the first time Portillo has been assaulted by an angry player while refereeing. Five years ago, a player upset with a call broke his ribs. A few years before that, a player broke his leg. But enough about that because we have another punching incident to mention here. A lawmaker from Greece’s extreme-right Golden Dawn party allegedly tried to punch the mayor of Athens yesterday, swinging at him but reportedly missing and hitting a 12-year-old girl instead. The confrontation came hours after police used pepper spray to prevent the nationalist party from distributing free food – only to Greek citizens – in the city’s main Syntagma Square in defiance of a municipal ban the mayor had vowed to uphold. Seriously, why should this incident be escalated by punching a kid in the forehead? He should go to jail for his stupidity. Extreme actions, especially when their victims are innocent 12-year-old children, do not befit that or any other democracy, and neither does the fact that gunmen have shot dead the prosecutor investigating the murder of Pakistan's ex-leader Benazir Bhutto. The attackers shot Chaudhry Zulfiqar Ali as he drove to a court hearing in the case. He lost control of his car, which hit and killed a pedestrian. But back to the punches, this time it's a blue jay and a gumball machine:

Who you calling niggle?

I saw this poster today on the window of an insurance agent. People should be more careful about what words they put on posters because the word niggle sounds too close to a racial slur, despite being etymologically unrelated. The word niggle, according to Wiktionary, was first attested in 1599; origin is uncertain, but likely from Old Norse nigla and/or nugla, meaning to fuss over small matters. Niggle is however related to the word niggardly, which is also unrelated to the N-word. But then again, would you ask a black waitress not to be niggardly with the coffee? Before you do, remember that you have to pass the N-word to get to the 'dly' part. Back in 1999, a man named David Howard used the word niggardly when discussing a budget and after a black guy in the audience filed a complaint, Howard resigned from his position ten days later. So think before you speak. Obeying that one simple rule can get you very far in life.

Negro Creek is a no-go

South Dakota has slowly been updating its maps, dropping several outdated-sounding place names in favor of ones that are more, well, inoffensive. Locations like Negro Creek and Squaw Humper Dam will become Howes Creek and Tahc'a Okute Mni Onaktake, respectively (no, I can't pronounce that, either.) Speaking of offensive, Sean Bailey, a worker at a McDonald's in Auckland, had been discriminated against on two separate occasions during work, as well as being told to change his voice because it sounded "too gay". One of his managers said "if you act gay on my shift, I will discipline you" and, "if you turn anyone else in the store gay, I will punish you and make you lose your job". Bailey said the comments made him embarrassed to return to work. "I had to call in sick just because I couldn't work with him, which meant I lost work hours and money." This sort of rubbish is not on, and neither is this: a winery has lost 6000 litres of merlot (enough to fill 8000 750ml bottles) after vandals opened a tank valve and left it to drain. Staff at Moana Park at Puketapu, near Napier, arrived on Saturday morning to find $165,000 of wine spilled onto the ground. Owner and winemaker Dan Barker said the loss was "gutting" and had put a valuable Japanese contract at risk. The wine was heading for a supermarket chain in Japan, and the buyer was at Moana Park the morning the vandalism was discovered. "It's three-quarters of a container of wine not going to Japan now," Mr Barker said. "The long term cost on the business is greater because they'll have to find a replacement because we don't have any more wine, so we may lose the contract." So let this be a lesson: next time you want to steal or destroy property, think about the long-term consequences your decision could have on all involved parties.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Downton Abbey

Downton Abbey sucks. Seriously, people, it's the worst show ever made. I would rather be shot in the balls than watch that crap. It is even responsible for ruining a perfectly serviceable scene about 30 minutes into the new Iron Man movie, where it is shown on a TV in a hospital. A hospital? The patients in there are sick enough as it is. So don't even bother.

Now that that fact-based TV review is over, as is this month, we will reveal that the Bellend of the Month for April 2013 is Elizabeth Anne Cowles. She is a club treasurer from Geraldine (in the South Island of New Zealand) who stole $79,000 from community groups, and early this month, she was sentenced to six months' home detention. This is too lenient considering the amount stolen and the charges she faced, namely misuse of a document and theft by a person in a special relationship. She should've gone to jail for doing something that stupid.

Drawn but not de-throned

Manchester United’s first outing as Barclays Premier League champions this morning may have ended in a 1-1 draw against Arsenal – and with it the potential to set a new record points total – but the events at Emirates Stadium were undeniable entertainment to begin the Reds’ four-match victory parade. Arsenal played their part in a clash that recalled at least some of the quality and commitment of old in this fixture. Theo Walcott scored for Arsenal and Robin van Persie scored for Man United. Both goal-scorers were yellow-carded at some point in the match, as were five other players.

Clear as a Bell

A strain of bacteria has been created that can produce fuel. Researchers genetically modified E. coli bacteria to convert sugar into an oil that is almost identical to conventional diesel. If the process could be scaled up, this synthetic fuel could be a viable alternative to fossil fuel. But enough about that because the voice of Alexander Graham Bell has been identified for the first time, in a recording from 1885. On the wax-disc recording, the telephone inventor says: "Hear my voice, Alexander Graham Bell." The recording is among the earliest held by the Smithsonian Institution, which runs the National Museum of American History. Bell's voice was recorded on to the disc on 15 April 1885 at his Volta laboratory in Washington. The clip has been posted online, click here to hear it.

Guess who's back, back again? Dreamliner's back, tell a friend!

An Ethiopian Airlines flight has taken off from Addis Ababa, and is travelling to Nairobi in Kenya at time of writing. So where's the fanfare in that? It is the first commercial flight by the Boeing 787 Dreamliner since all 787s were grounded in January. The 50 787s in service around the world were grounded due to battery malfunctions that saw one 787 catch fire in the US. Over the past week, teams of Boeing engineers have been fitting new batteries to the aircraft. This was after aviation authorities approved the revamped battery design. In other plane-related news, New York police say what appears to be part of the landing gear of one of jets flown into the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001 has been found. The 5ft (1.52m) piece of metal, which bears a Boeing label and serial number, was wedged between two New York City buildings, police said. It was found on Wednesday by surveyors inspecting a lower Manhattan building. But enough about that historic find because starting on Monday, 5,000 Britons will be challenging themselves to live on just £1 a day for five days, as part of a campaign by the Global Poverty Project. But is it possible not just to survive, but also to eat a balanced and healthy diet on that sort of budget? Let's wait and see. It could be something worth trying. And speaking of trying, a US citizen is soon to go on trial on charges including attempting to overthrow North Korea's government, according to the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA). KCNA says that Pae Jun-Ho, who is known in the US as Kenneth Bae, has admitted the charges, without specifying when the trial will start. Pae/Bae was held last year after entering North Korea as a tourist.

Forget the hands on your watch

Now you can make your car glow in the dark. A heavily modified Volkswagen Golf has been wrapped with a phosphorescent coating that makes the car appear white in daylight and glow green in dark surrounds. The German hatchback has been modified by tuners Low-Car-Scene and Blackbox-Richter, and features what’s called a "phosphor-foil wrap" from texture and coating specialists 3M on the body of the car and the wheels. The body flips from white to green in the dark, while the wheels and striped highlights change from pink to black. Its modifiers have labelled it the Golf VII Light-Tron.

In other automotive news, Toyota has unveiled a "no frills" electric car concept that it claims offers the practicality of four cars in one. The Toyota ME.WE concept, designed by the Japanese brand and European industrial designer Jean-Marie Massaud, can be configured as a ute (pickup truck), off-roader, semi-convertible, or a city car. The name ME.WE stems from the car's apparent "concern for individual freedom" (that's the 'ME' bit) and its "responsibility towards society" (that's the ‘WE' part). The Yaris-sized five-seater is designed to be an eco-warrior, with recyclable materials used through the body and the cabin. It features weight-saving polypropylene body panels that save about 180 kilograms over steel, a bamboo floor and dash, and a lightweight aluminium underbody. It weighs just 750kg but despite its lithe kerb weight, it still features a four-wheel-drive system. There's a bank of batteries under the body of the car, and four in-wheel electric motors for constant propulsion, even on slippery surfaces. Inside the ME.WE has a simple interior with polypropylene bench seats that the company claims can be taken out of the car and used as picnic chairs. It features a smartphone docking station, with an app for sat-nav guidance and controlling the car's air temperature. The back-end can extend into a ute-like tray for carting longer parcels, and the roof section features a luggage hold with an expandable neoprene cover. It's looking to be one amazing car, but it would be even nicer with the glow-in-the-dark coating on the VW also mentioned here today.

That's enough car talk for one day because a top United States Senate Democrat says the advertising industry is ignoring consumers' requests not to be tracked online and that it's probably time for federal regulation. Senator Jay Rockefeller of West Virginia delivered the threat in his opening remarks at a congressional hearing Wednesday on his proposal to impose a "Do Not Track" list that companies would have to honour unless they want to face penalties by the Federal Trade Commission.

Curse-laden email goes viral

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f***ing ride.

Does that line sound familiar to you? If not, then you haven't been paying attention to current events. I'll fill you in: a sorority sister's hostile, profanity-laden email to other members in her chapter regarding their sociability has been widely circulated, inciting controversy, parody, and possible inquiry on the part of both the university and the chapter's national organisation. After the email was made public online, it has sparked thousands of comments ranging from support to ridicule. The email gained even more attention when it was parodied on the comedy video website Funny or Die by Oscar-nominated actor Michael Shannon in a four-minute dramatic reading. The student, who was later identified as Rebecca Martinson, is a member of Delta Gamma's Beta Sigma chapter at the University of Maryland at College Park. She sent an email to her sorority sisters following their week-long events with another fraternity on campus. In the over-the-top email, the woman said the feedback she received from fraternity members portrayed the chapter as "awkward" and "boring" and the sorority sisters needed to shape up.

Apparently, there are 41 F-bombs all up in the email. Click here to read it.

CHAMPIONS 20|13

Sergio Aguero snatched away the title in the last minute last season. It broke the hearts of all the Manchester United fans to pieces, but above all it affected an old man. That man woke up next morning and was in the office at 7am even though the season was over, just to get started with the preparations for the next season. That old man just grabbed his team their 20th title. That old man, Sir Alex Ferguson, just took back what was his! That's right, Manchester United are the champions of England for a record-extending 20th time (13th in the Premier League era), after a swaggering first-half display of champagne football yesterday morning overcame Aston Villa at Old Trafford. The scoring can be summed up in just a few words: a hat-trick by Robin van Persie. Patrice Evra was the only player to receive a yellow card in this historic match.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Books

Yes, books. And yet, April 23 is all about them. Why? In 1995, UNESCO decided that the World Book and Copyright Day would be celebrated on this date, because the date is the anniversary of the birth and death of William Shakespeare; the death of Miguel de Cervantes, Inca Garcilaso de la Vega, and Josep Pla; and the birth of Maurice Druon, Manuel Mejía Vallejo, and Halldór Laxness. Who cares? A book is nothing more than several sheets of paper stacked and bound together. It is a waste of trees, so if you must read, please just stick to electronic copies. It will be easier on your wallet too because there are websites where you can find copies of several popular novels for free.

Boston bomber case nowhere near finish line

Today is the 20th anniversary of one of the worst hate crimes in British history. Specifically, we are talking about the murder of Stephen Lawrence, in a racist attack at a south London bus stop. An inquiry into the slow response by the Metropolitan Police labelled them institutionally racist, for their slow response in pursuing the attackers. Gary Dobson and David Norris were finally found guilty of the murder in January 2012. But we also have a present-day murderer on our hands: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. He is one of the two bellends suspected of bombing the finish line at the Boston Marathon. He was captured on Friday evening after a huge manhunt during which Tsarnaev's elder brother and suspected fellow bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, died. US federal prosecutors are now preparing charges against Dzhokhar as more details emerge of his capture. If he is charged with using a weapon of mass destruction to kill people, he could face the death penalty, as should former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, who has been ordered back to prison from military hospital. Mr Mubarak's retrial will open on 11 May, a Cairo appeals court says. He is charged alongside his former interior minister and six former security chiefs with complicity in the murder and attempted murder of hundreds of protesters in January 2011. The retrial was meant to begin on 13 April but collapsed when the presiding judge withdrew from the case.

From pot to shot

Gunfire erupted at a Denver pot celebration yesterday, injuring two people and scattering a crowd of thousands at a downtown park after they had just marked the first 4/20 counterculture holiday since the state legalized marijuana. The man and woman who were shot were expected to survive, and police were looking for one or two suspects, said Denver Police spokesman Sonny Jackson. Witnesses described a scene in which a jovial atmosphere quickly turned to one of panic just before 5 p.m. Several thought firecrackers were being set off, then a man fell bleeding, his dog also shot. Seriously, people, Denver has seen more than enough gun violence over the last 12 months. The Batman shootings were bad enough. Speaking of which, the prosecution seeking the death penalty against James Holmes in the Aurora theater shooting case wants to see what he's been doing in jail so that they can possibly use it against him during the penalty phase of trial if he is found guilty by a jury. In a new notice filed on Friday in Arapahoe District Court, District Attorney George Brauchler made a list of evidence he wants to see in order to establish a capital murder case, including "any video or audio recording of the defendant and/or any person he interacts with while incarcerated."

BP's worst mistake turns 3 today

Today is the third anniversary of one of Big Oil's worst contributions to recent history. That's right, I'm talking about Deepwater Horizon. But we have some good news: Pakistan's former leader Pervez Musharraf has appeared at an anti-terrorism court over claims he illegally detained judges in 2007. Mr Musharraf, who ruled Pakistan between 1999 and 2007, was arrested yesterday. The High Court ruled that the allegations amounted to an act of terrorism and ordered him to appear at Islamabad's anti-terror court. But Mr Musharraf has described the case against him as politically motivated. In other news, Allen H. Neuharth, the newspaper visionary and former Gannett chairman who founded USA TODAY, died yesterday at the age of 89 at his home in Cocoa Beach, Florida. He was an innovator who used satellite technology to create a national newspaper that has become the second largest in the United States.

Reds on home straight to taking back the title

Manchester United took time to hit anything like top gear at Upton Park yesterday morning, and had to settle for a 2-2 draw with West Ham, the same scoreline as the FA Cup third-round tie earlier in the season. Ricardo Vaz Te and Mohamed Diame scored for West Ham, and Antonio Valencia (his first goal of the season) and Robin van Persie scored for the Reds. Shinji Kagawa set up both of the Reds' goals. Discipline-wise, only Andy Carroll was shown a yellow card. The result means the Reds will be champions if six points are picked up from the last five games - even if Manchester City continue winning as they did that day by beating Wigan 1-0 at home, courtesy of Carlos Tevez's second-half strike.

Historic day for Middle Earth

Amid deafening cheers of joy and relief, the 150,000-strong gay community last night finally achieved full equality with other New Zealanders with the passage of a law allowing same-sex partners to marry. The milestone completed a social revolution which began with the decriminalisation of homosexuality in 1985, and confirmed this country as the 13th to make the leap to legalising gay marriage. The bill passed by the same margin as its second reading, 77 votes to 44. In other New Zealand-related news, New Zealanders will get Monday off when Waitangi and Anzac days next fall on a weekend. The Labour Party bill to move the day off for Waitangi Day and Anzac Day to Monday when it falls on a weekend passed its third reading last night by 61 votes to 60. That's right, two important laws passed means 100 percent improvement. But Australia are planning to bowl the good times underarm with a planned tower in Melbourne. Australia 108 is a towering 108-level Melbourne apartment/hotel block set to be one of the world's tallest buildings, and it could rise to 388m at 70 Southbank Boulevard near the Yarra, eclipsing Auckland Sky Tower's 328m. That will make the controversial new skyscraper the Southern Hemisphere's tallest building. But Auckland can still beat that by constructing a tower at least one kilometre tall.