2011 is half-finished

In fact, June is now almost finished with just one exception: we have to reveal the Bellend of the Month, and this month, the bellend is Geert Wilders. That maggot is nothing but bad news for the Dutch people. Wilders was facing five counts of inciting hatred and discrimination for describing Islam as a fascist religion and Moroccan youths as violent and for calling for the banning of the Koran, but a week ago, he was found not guilty. This is hate speech and not all Muslims are like that. In fact, there are Muslims who frown upon such extremist behaviour. That racist nutjob needs to undergo an intensive cultural sensitivity programme (hopefully along the lines of the “tolerance camp” that was seen in an episode of South Park) before he causes any more controversy. Those comments were just low and should not be tolerated.

And the base goes... BOOM!

Yesterday, Iran reportedly tested medium- and long-range missiles that are capable of reaching Israel and U.S. bases. This firing of the missiles came on the second day of the Revolutionary Guards' war games, and the day before, Iran's military displayed on national television underground missile silos programmed to hit predetermined targets with medium- and long-range missiles, including Israel and U.S. bases in the Middle East, in the event of an attack. This is worrying news and those bellends seriously need to rethink their strategy before anyone gets hurt. The missiles should be directed at Libya or North Korea instead.

OK, Colonel, time to stand down

I'm not talking about Mr. Sanders. His recipe for fried chicken is, as Snoop Dogg would put it, "off the hizzle fo' shizzle". Instead, I'm talking about an evil and horrible colonel instead: international judges have ordered the arrest of Gaddafi, his son, and his intelligence chief. The warrant was issued yesterday for the men for orchestrating the killing, injuring, arrest, and imprisonment of hundreds of civilians during the first 12 days of unrest and for trying to cover up the alleged crimes. Reading the decision of the International Criminal Court, presiding judge Sanji Monageng of Botswana said there were reasonable grounds to believe that Gaddafi and his son, Seif al-Islam, were both responsible for the murder and persecution of civilians; and if I were in her position, I would have also said the same thing about those scumbags. Our planet does not need bellends like Gaddafi and he and Justin Bieber should both be sent to Guantanamo before anyone else is put through any more torture at the hands of either of them.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Justin Bieber

If you thought cheese infested with maggots was gross, look what we've got in store for you this week. Yes, that's right, a maggot named Justin Bieber. His music is just plain awful and he sounds like Elmo on helium. Seriously, what does Selena Gomez see in that nutjob? I mean, come on, she's better off going out with Amy Chua or a serial rapist.

Also, that 3D movie they made about Bieber was just rubbish and it was the worst 105 minutes of my life – 105 minutes I'll never get back. They should've never put that rubbish out, and if there was an N word for horrible musicians like Justin Bieber, I'd use it right here, right now. And speaking of right here, right now, Jesus Jones are also rubbish. I mean, seriously, what sort of a name is Jesus Jones? Are those nutjobs claiming to be the reincarnation of some carpenter who claimed to be the son of some fictional higher power? I mean, what is the deal with that?

NATO needs to do more

Libyan authorities accused NATO of killing 15 people in an airstrike yesterday that they said hit a restaurant and bakery in the east, though the alliance denied the report. It was the latest outcry from Gaddafi’s government blaming NATO for killing civilians amid a four-month uprising that has sparked a civil war. NATO insists it does all it can to avoid such casualties, and even if NATO did kill all those people, then they should've snuffed Gaddafi as well. That bellend has been nothing but a 42-year-long nightmare that the Libyan people have had to endure, and his reign of terror still isn't over. Like I said, NATO needs to do more.

Gaddafi is becoming unpopular fast

The Obama administration has secured a victory, as US lawmakers voted down a Republican effort to cut off money for US operations in the Libya conflict. The resolution would have struck current-year defense funding for the Libya mission, with exceptions for search and rescue, intelligence, surveillance, reconnaissance, aerial refueling, and operational planning.

This comes after the House of Representatives voted against a resolution giving President Obama authority to order US operations in Libya. Earlier, a resolution that would have authorized Obama's limited military intervention against Gaddafi for a year was also voted down. This is a shame because the measures to authorise the US mission in Libya could have paved the way for deployment of ground forces, which we know will be needed in taking that bellend Gaddafi out of office.

Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest (thank God), and the Gambia has finally adopted a food safety law. Under the new act, known as the "Food Safety and Quality Bill 2011", food operators in the Gambia are obliged to ensure food safety, quality production, processing, and distribution within the business under their control and that their products must satisfy the requirements and regulations as demanded.

Medical care must be cheaper by the prison

James Richard Verone, who is charged with the $1 robbery of an RBC Bank branch in North Carolina, has never been in trouble with the law before. Mr Verone, who was unemployed and facing several health problems, walked into the bank and handed the bank teller a note that read: "This is a bank robbery. Please give me $1." He then sat in the bank waiting for the police to arrive. The 59-year-old, who had no health insurance, has a growth on his chest, two ruptured disks and a problem with his left foot, said he committed the robbery because he believed prison was the best place he could go to for medical attention. This is just a stupid idea, especially for just $1. He might get cheap medical care while in the joint, but getting yourself in trouble with the law isn't the best place to go. You can also go overseas to get a cheaper deal on medical treatment, but the savings can be offset somewhat by the cost of air travel. Or maybe he could've gone behind a motel for treatment, but those illegal operations tend to specialise in abortion, and at any rate, are possibly not safe. But if prison seems to be the best way to go, then don't come crying to me when you get a "booster shot" in your back end courtesy of another inmate.

Bring the troops home, Obama

Beginning to wind down a long and devastating war, President Barack Obama announced last night he was pulling home 33,000 troops from Afghanistan before the election next year, withdrawing the "surge" of forces he had sent to rescue a flailing effort. Said Obama to a country eager for an exit: "The tide of war is receding." The tide of war may be receding but they're still planning to keep 70,000 soldiers there. The war is now pointless, maybe except for removing the rest of al-Qaeda from the face of the earth, and once al-Qaeda is no more, the entire US Army should then invade North Korea and liberate it from that scumbag Kim Jong-Il.

The proof is in the picture

Cigarette makers must add large, graphic warning labels depicting diseased lungs, a man exhaling smoke through a hole in his neck, and other images to packaging and advertising in the U.S. by October 2012. It's about time the FDA introduced such a directive. We have similar images on cigarette packets in New Zealand and the labels are getting people here to quit, as are taxes, which could be increased further. Smoking is a leading cause of death in several countries and more needs to be done. For instance, if filmmakers are going to have characters smoking in their movies, there should be taxes on those movies. Or there could be taxes on smoking paraphernalia like pipes and also on rolling papers. Taxes could also be increased on flavoured cigarettes, or import duties on tobacco could be increased. Or maybe they could just call the whole thing off and extend the US embargo on Cuban cigars to apply to ALL tobacco no matter what form it's in or where it was grown.

They should be leaving on a jet plane by now

Japanese parents living near the tsunami-hit Fukushima nuclear plant issued an "emergency petition" today, demanding the government do more to protect their children from radiation exposure. A coalition of six citizens' and environmental groups called for the evacuation of children and pregnant women from radiation hotspots, stricter monitoring, and the early closure of schools for summer holidays. A better idea would be for people to move out of the area on their own, preferably get out of Japan and start a new life because atmospheric radiation levels show no sign of abating, and that means the inhabitants of heavily contaminated areas will continue to endure high radiation doses, both externally and internally. To minimize such exposure, residents should be evacuated promptly to areas where radiation is less severe. Top priority must be given to infants, children, and expectant mothers - all highly susceptible to radiation effects (look at what happened with Chernobyl).

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Casu marzu

I am adding a new regular feature: the Weekly Gross-out. On Mondays, I will find something gross for you to feast your eyes on. This week, it's a cheese from the Italian island of Sardinia. The cheese is known as casu marzu, and it's created by leaving whole Pecorino cheeses outside with part of the rind removed to allow the eggs of the cheese fly (Piophila casei) to be laid in the cheese. A female Piophila casei can lay more than five hundred eggs at one time. These larvae are deliberately introduced to the cheese, promoting an advanced level of fermentation and breaking down of the cheese's fats. The texture of the cheese becomes very soft, with some liquid seeping out. By the time it is ready for consumption, a typical casu marzu will contain thousands of these maggots.

This cheese goes beyond typical fermentation to a stage most would consider decomposition, brought about by the digestive action of the maggots, who appear as translucent white worms, about 8 millimetres long, and when disturbed, the larvae can launch themselves for distances of nearly 15 centimetres. I can't believe that anybody would be so disgusting as to deliberately introduce maggots into cheese and then eat it. This is just filthy and I can't believe anyone would eat anything as foul as cheese with maggots in it. That cheese should be banned before someone gets sick.

The Libyan rebels are advancing!

Meanwhile, two countries over, Morocco's youth-based February 20 Movement has called for nationwide protests against constitutional changes proposed by King Mohammed VI. The king outlined curbs to his wide political powers in an address to the nation on Friday and pledged to build a constitutional monarchy with a democratic parliament. But there are calls for a truly democratic constitution and a parliamentary monarchy, because even though the king is devolving some of his powers to the Prime Minister (for instance, the prime minister would be able to appoint government officials and dissolve parliament, and the new constitution ensures the prime minister is selected from the party that received the most votes in the election rather than just one chosen by the king), there are still some things he's holding on to, for instance, the king would remain a key power-broker in the security, military, and religious fields. While the head of state should be given some powers, more can be done because the last thing Morocco needs is a bloody revolution like in Egypt or Libya.

Maybe the real fags are homophobes

In what the U.S. State Department is calling a "historic step," the U.N. Human Rights Council passed a resolution yesterday supporting equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation. The resolution, introduced by South Africa, is the first-ever U.N. resolution on the human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered persons. It passed with 23 votes in favor, 19 opposed, and three abstentions amid strong criticism of South Africa by some African nations. This is indeed a historic step, and it really is a critical beginning of the universal recognition of a new set of rights, and it sends a clear message that abuses based on sexual orientation and gender identity must end. So if you're engaging in homophobic behaviour, you'd better stop because you yourself could be a homosexual. That goes for you too, Mr. Homophobe.

I am Saudi woman, hear me drive!

Saudi women have started their campaign to get behind the wheel in protest to defy the government ban on women's driving. The organizers of the online campaign say some Saudi women drove around the capital, Riyadh, before dawn today without incident. If you thought Saudi Arabia was in the Dark Ages, feast yourselves upon this: Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that bans women (both Saudi and foreign) from driving. Saudi women are also barred from voting and deprived of a choice in marriage, divorce, and children's custody. The females are dictated to and guarded by male relatives and cannot travel without the consent of a male guardian. In essence, having a vagina as opposed to a penis would make you a second-class citizen over there. This is just not right, and if I were a woman living in Saudi Arabia, I'd disguise myself as a man, drive (yes, drive) to the airport, and get myself out of that wasteland and go to wherever the next flight to an English-speaking country is going and start a new life.

Today's inmate, tomorrow's terrorist

US prisons are becoming a hotbed for indoctrinating inmates and turning them into radical Muslims, US lawmakers were told yesterday in the second of a series of controversial hearings. This is bad news because this generation of inmates, if they escape or are released, could in time wind up back behind bars for terrorism. As if the rate of reoffending wasn't bad enough, outside influences access those on the inside, and inmates reach from the inside out. Individuals and groups that subscribe to radical Islamic ideology have made sustained efforts to target inmates for indoctrination. A solution to this problem would be to have separate prisons for Muslims and non-Muslims. Or, because segregation is a breach of civil rights legislation, a better solution to keep these outside influences from reaching the prisons could be to tear a leaf from Guantanamo's book and maybe play the Sesame Street or Barney theme tune over and over 24/7 on the prison intercom. Or maybe there should be more use of alternatives to prison like fines or community service (or maybe bringing back judicial corporal punishment) to reduce the chance of a not-so-serious offender becoming a potential terrorist on release.

Fifty-one Nifty United States?

This is NOT the American flag – that only has 50 stars. But this 51-star design may soon become the American flag if Arizona splits into two, so you should probably get used to it now.

Today, I came across the website for a political group called Start Our State. Their aim is for the southern parts of Arizona to become a new state called Baja Arizona. However, there are some parts of the world that I feel to be more deserving of the 51st star. For instance, the Bahamas, which are just to the east of Florida, should join the US, either as part of Florida or as a state in its own right. This way, American travellers to the popular tourist destination wouldn't have airport security touching their private areas (it's not an initiation ritual, it's just part of the over-the-top security measures at international airports in post-9/11 America) because they will still be in America upon landing in Nassau. Or maybe, all of Washington DC (excluding the National Mall, Capitol Hill, and the White House) could become a new state or join Maryland or Virginia. There is also a movement for the counties near the Oregon-California border to form a new state called Jefferson. Or they could add US territories as states, for instance, Puerto Rico can become a state with or without the US Virgin Islands; or the territories in the Pacific (Guam and Northern Marianas; the independent nations of Marshall Islands, Federated States of Micronesia, and Palau; and maybe American Samoa) can join Hawaii or become a new state which could be called Pacifica. And while we're on the topic of adding Pacific islands to the portfolio, maybe New Zealand should become the next state. I can think of several reasons why New Zealand should become the 51st state of the United States:

1. We would now get to bully Australia (and probably bowl them underarm).
   
2. No more royal tours.
   
3. Cheaper gas (or petrol as it's called here).
   
4. The SAS would get the much cooler name of Delta Force.
   
5. We would now be with the possessors of the Olympic Gold Medal for Rugby Union.
   
6. We instantly have an effective free trade agreement with the US, and will be part of the NAFTA free trade alliance with Canada and Mexico.
   
7. The ANZUS Treaty would then become the A’n'US treaty.
   
8. Just as one has African-Americans, Asian-Americans, and Arab-Americans, we would be Kiwi-Americans.
   
9. We'd no longer need to fund MFAT (whatever that is).
   
10. Someone earning NZ$100,000 (just over US$80,000) would only pay 19.5% federal income tax (in addition to what I hope are relatively small state taxes) instead of the average 29.5% currently imposed.
    
11. Those indecent nutjobs at airport security won't need to touch our junk when we go to, for example, New York or LA, because we'd already be in America.
    
12. Even though we'd be part of America, we would now have a New Zealander in charge instead of an old British woman.
    
13. The Breakers could leave the Australian National Basketball League and join the NBA.
    
14. 1- and 5-cent pieces will make a comeback.
    
15. Because we might have to change our time zone from UTC+12 to UTC-12, New Zealand can celebrate the 4th of July twice in the lead-up to statehood.
    

UPDATE: I've just thought of one more: Because we would have to start driving on the right, that means we could import nice-looking cars direct from Italy or the US without having to shift the steering wheel.

It's a shame there are still nutjobs who support Gaddafi

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has pressed some of the world's last remaining friends of Colonel Gaddafi to abandon that bellend and join the growing international demand for him to give up power. She told African nations that their solidarity with the Libyan people could make the difference for a peaceful future, and she may well be right. Gaddafi seized power in a coup in 1969, and another coup may be needed to get him out. Words and actions can make a difference in bringing this horrible situation to a close and allowing the people of Libya to get to work rebuilding their country. This conflict has gone on long enough and it's time for Gaddafi to stand down and face the International Criminal Court.

What up, Digger?

Stephen Fry is rewriting history and it has upset one man who lived through it. Fry is the script-writer for a new version of the 1955 Dambusters film, which is about a famous British raid on the Germans. It stars a dog with a difficult name, so Fry has decided the name should be replaced with ‘Digger’. The man that this change has supposedly upset seriously needs to get a life because these days, the N word is a racist slur directed at black people and should never ever be used in any place at any time. A lot has changed since the raids - for instance, people didn't really think much of the N word causing offence, and nowadays, there's less discipline in schools than there used to be, but this can be solved by bringing back the strap or the cane. Also, we didn't have very many of the modern conveniences we take for granted, and the human race was only just beginning to recognise tobacco's harmful effects. But good on you, Mr. Fry, for removing that awful word from your script. I hope the movie turns a profit.

It's been fifteen months since we started

But let's get to the point here: Syrian government forces have advanced into the northern town of Jisr al-Shughour as part of a widespread government crackdown. Witnesses reported an attack using tanks and helicopter gunships after an early morning bombardment. The government says it is trying to restore order after it claimed 120 security personnel had been killed, but residents say the dead were killed after a mutiny and fighting between the security forces. Bashar al-Assad needs to step down before any more damage is done because this latest government advance is causing more and more people to leave Syria and head for refugee camps across the Turkish border. Two camps are already full of refugees and a third is filling up rapidly. Syria's crackdown is creating a humanitarian crisis, and the International Committee for the Red Cross (ICRC) needs to be given access to the area so this can be sorted out.

Things are getting a bit random here

That's right, I'm adding a random number generator to my blog. You can use it if you want, but it's primarily here to help me choose between several news stories if I can't decide which nutjob(s) to bring down (my trick will be to assign a number to each news story and let the generator do the rest). It's much better than flipping a coin, especially when you don't have one on you.

Note to self: Don't leave a teenager in charge

An 18-month-old boy drowned in a bathtub after being held under water by a five-year-old girl in Kansas City. Police officers said they were treating the death of the boy as homicide, after the girl told social workers she held him under water to stop his crying. The good news? He stopped crying. The bad news? Both children, along with others, were under the supervision of a teenager while an adult had left to pick up the father of the 18-month-old boy, and the teenager should've been in the bathroom watching those two. Whoever left the teen in charge did so without any regard to that or any other shenanigans the kids could have gotten up to. The blame should not be on the 5-year-old, who obviously did not know any better and is too young to face criminal charges anyway, but it should be divided up between that irresponsible teenager for leaving two young children unsupervised near water, and the adult who left that nutjob in charge. That was just careless and I hope they go to prison for letting this horrific incident happen.

Think you're grossed out by maggots? Read this!

Indiana woman Angela Voelkert wanted a little dirt on her husband as she prepared for a messy divorce, so she posed online as a teen to trick him into dishing some damaging details, and what she learned was astounding: he was plotting to kill her and run off with their kids. Angela created a fake profile of a teen named Jessica Studebaker last month, complete with a picture of an anonymous teenybopper, and became Facebook friends with her gullible hubby David (pictured). I don't know who had the more malicious motives, but one thing is for certain: that maggot is going down, not for plotting to murder his wife (yet), but he apparently also installed a GPS tracker on her van, and was charged in federal court for doing so. Officials say he could face more serious charges. I hope he gets locked up for a long time because this unethical behaviour is just not on, and some time behind bars will most definitely sort that nutjob out.

There's no such thing as psychics

The police in East Texas were led on a fruitless search last night when a woman, claiming to be a psychic, called in a sensational tip, saying she knew of a mass grave where dozens of dismembered bodies were buried. Equipped with a search warrant and cadaver-sniffing dogs, deputies from the Liberty County Sheriff’s Office converged on a home on a narrow country road near Hardin (about an hour outside Houston) in search of a macabre crime scene. The news of a mass grave in rural Texas set off a news media frenzy: throngs of reporters camped outside the home, two news helicopters circled above, and cable news stations flashed alerts that up to 30 bodies had been found. But in the end, there was no grave, there were no bodies, and there was no sign that any crime had been committed. But there was a crime: the misleading call that created the spectacle in the first place. This is a stupid waste of police time and the woman who did it is a complete bellend who was just looking for her 15 minutes of fame when there were other places to find it, for example, she could've made a video and loaded it onto YouTube with the hope of being among other Internet phenomena like that double rainbow guy or the video with the two girls and one cup.

It serves him right

Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh has suffered a collapsed lung and burns on 40% of his body, U.S. government officials briefed on the matter said, as the fate of the embattled leader, and whether he will return to the conflict in Yemen, remains uncertain. Saleh was injured on Friday from an attack at his presidential compound and is seeking treatment in Saudi Arabia. An Arab diplomatic source with knowledge of Saleh's condition says one shrapnel wound is 7 centimeters (almost 3 inches) deep. This serves him right for all the harm that he has done to the people of Yemen. If nutjobs like Saleh want to make trouble for the people they have responsibility over, then they should expect the people to revolt in the same way. Last week, Yemen's government faced condemnation from the United Nations and others for the killing of as many as 50 anti-government demonstrators in Taiz, and now, their leader is paying the price and I won't be surprised if that maggot goes six feet under.

If rebels can't do it... NATO can!

British jets hit a military barracks in Tripoli yesterday, intensifying NATO pressure on Gaddafi nearly four months into an uprising to end his erratic 42-year rule. The airstrikes on the barracks, which have been repeated targets of NATO strikes, followed the Western alliance's first use of attack helicopters on Saturday. This is some rather welcoming news, and by intensifying attacks from the air and using helicopters to target government forces who melt into the civilian population for cover, NATO is providing a major boost to Libyan rebel forces who have seized much of the country's east and gained toeholds in the west. But foreign governments should be arming the Libyan rebels because that scumbag Gaddafi will not go down without a fight.

Another rating disaster by the OFLC

Today, I saw the film Barney's Version. I noticed several scenes of various characters in the film smoking - and there were people smoking cigars, cigarettes, and cigarillos (which are sort of a compromise between the other two). Also, there was one scene early on in which a black guy was punched to the ground in an unprovoked (or maybe racially motivated) attack. And despite all of this, the movie was still given the M rating by those disgraces at the Office of Film and Literature Classification. The M rating carries the recommendation "suitable for mature audiences 16 years and over" but is not restricted, which is a pity because children can still be admitted to screenings. If a kid saw that travesty, they would think smoking and beating up people of other races is cool.

Web's out in Syria

Syrians poured into the streets yesterday in some of the largest anti-government protests yet despite the shutdown of much of Syria’s internet network, which has been crucial to the protesters’ ability to mobilize and a major source of information for those outside the country. The crowds protesting the authoritarian rule of President Bashar al-Assad appeared fueled in part by escalating anger about the torture and killing of a 13-year-old boy. Witnesses said protesters in dozens of communities yesterday dedicated their marches to him and other children killed during the uprising. Al-Assad is not a nice man and this blatant violation of the right to seek and impart information will not be tolerated. What Syria needs right now is some of those new solutions that America have been working on to help circumvent other governments' restrictions on Internet freedom, but it could probably just be a few rogue WiFi networks being operated from a plane or something like that.

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest but here goes

A federal judge has ordered a Texas school district to prohibit public prayer at a high school graduation ceremony. Chief U.S. District Judge Fred Biery’s order against the Medina Valley Independent School District also forbids students from using specific religious words including “prayer” and “amen.” This may seem to you like a violation of First Amendment rights but this is to do with a high school graduation taking place on the grounds of a public school. Church and state are two separate entities. The church should not meddle in the state's affairs, and the state should not meddle in the church's affairs. The judge did grant students permission to make the sign of the cross, wear religious garb, or kneel to face Mecca, and if I believed in the relevant bunches of lies, I'd probably see that concession as sufficient.

Tax it, don't ban it

The global war on drugs has failed and governments should explore legalising marijuana and other controlled substances, according to a commission that includes former heads of state, a former U.N. secretary-general, and a business mogul. We all know that some of those drugs, for instance crack, are even worse than tobacco. However, if governments legalise some drugs, for instance marijuana, then they could use this to add to a stream of tax revenue. But there are other ways of bringing in taxes. We already know of taxes on tobacco, alcohol, junk food, and the like, but I have some more novel ideas on how to milk some tax revenue. For example, if a movie contains scenes of people smoking, then the government can require cinemas to put ticket prices up 5 or 10% for those specific movies and put it towards anti-smoking programmes. Or they could put a tax on vuvuzelas and use the money on programmes for deaf people. Or maybe they could tax objects that have the potential to be used for child or spousal abuse, and have the money go towards initiatives designed to prevent such abuse. Or maybe they could just legalise pot and have a $50 tax on each ounce.

And the prom queen is... a guy?

That's right, folks. Just about every girl growing up dreams of being prom queen, and so did Andrew Viveros from Davie, Florida (in the blue dress), who had his wish become a reality when he was crowned McFatter High School's prom queen Friday night. Viveros, who for the past two years has gone by the name Andii, is a transgender who fought to get his name on the prom queen ballot. He is the first transgender to be named prom queen at a public school in the United States, and this is despite a group of player-haters who didn't think Viveros should have been allowed to compete for the title and started a petition to get his name off the ballot, which I think is a stupid and narrow-minded thing to do. I wish Andii all the best for the future.