At this rate, it could be renamed iOS 10

Details of Apple's iOS 9 are finally out, and iPhone fans across the globe have been clamouring to find out more about the mobile operating system and the new functionalities it will bring to the table. Here's a definitive list detailing the best new features and technologies set to arrive:

• Apple touted the fact it has one billion requests a month on its Maps service now, and said it is working to improve Maps further in iOS 9 by adding improved step-by-step transit directions complete with public transport information. This will cover a raft of major cities such as New York, San Francisco, and London.
• Taking a page out of Android's book, iOS 9 has a new low-power mode that Apple claims will add an extra three hours of battery life to iPhones and iPads, something I already have a special case for.
• Apple has replaced Newsstand with an improved News app. The aggregator service will push articles based on data stored on the device and users' Apple account using layouts designed by publishers.
• Siri is getting a facelift on iOS 9 and will have a new interface and deeper integration into the mobile OS that will let it refer to and access information on photos, contacts, and apps when answering questions.
• Keeping up the smarter strategy, iOS 9 also has a Proactive Assistant feature that can automatically suggest apps to launch or people to contact based on past user behaviour.
• Apple has streamlined iOS 9's photo viewing feature so that people can scroll through images by holding and dragging on a timeline at the bottom of the screen.
• Improved iOS 9 security includes a more robust, and difficult to remember, six-digit passcode and two-factor authentication by default.
• Apple has managed to make the file to install iOS 9 just 1.3GB, down from the 4.6GB required for iOS 8, which was criticised by some. Furthermore, all devices that can run iOS 8 can move to iOS 9, so you should have no excuse come release day.
• Just like with OS X El Capitan, the iPad version will be chopping off its balls and putting on a skirt. That's right, iOS 9 is now capable of multitasking with the addition of split screen application support that lets users run and display two services at once on an iPad.
• iOS 9 adds support for a number of new APIs, including new HealthKit data points for reproductive health and UV exposure, as well as an open source Swift 2 coding language Apple claims will offer numerous performance improvements.
• Apple has redesigned Notes on iOS 9, adding the ability to scribble notes using your finger, create checklists, and take photos from directly within the app.
• And last but not least, Passbook has been ditched for a new app called Wallet. The app will let users store payment cards and boarding passes, for example, and adds support for loyalty and reward cards.

Wi-Fi to be Wi-Fixed

Noticed your iPhone and Mac’s Wi-Fi weren’t so good over the last year? You’re not alone, and Apple is finally fixing it, albeit quietly. Wi-Fi problems were one of the biggest complaints about Apple’s Yosemite update for Mac last year, with thousands of users taking to Apple’s support forums to air frustration. If you’re wondering exactly what happened, there are a few moving parts. First, you need to understand what the Domain Name System (DNS) does. Each computer on the internet has an IP address, which is like where it can be found on a street. Domain names for websites, like disseminatorsofthetruth.blogspot.com, have an attached IP address that locates these computers. Think of a domain name as a human-readable way to get to the right IP address. DNS servers, like the ones Google or your internet provider offers, keep a directory of domain names and their IP addresses. When you type disseminatorsofthetruth.blogspot.com into your Web browser, your computer requests the address from a DNS server, then takes you to this page. It all happens without your knowledge — at least, when it works. For the better part of twelve years, Apple used a single piece of software called “mDNSResponder” to manage much of your Mac’s networking, including this lookup process. In general, it worked flawlessly. When OS X Yosemite rolled around in late 2014, Apple decided to rip out the trusty DNS responder and replaced it with a new process called “discoveryd.” The problems with discoveryd have been vast and unpredictable. You’ve probably run into at least one: duplicate computer names, random crashes, slow page loading, slow reconnection after sleep — the list goes on. Apple tried on three occasions to patch out the problems, but the complaints continued to flow in. When a beta build of OS X hit 10.10.4 in May, discoveryd suddenly vanished after months with no fix. At first, many wondered if it was an accident, but mDNSResponder had miraculously returned and has stuck around in the latest beta builds. But it's not the only thing good about the upcoming OS X update - click here to see more.

The Split-sons

There seems to be quite a bit of confusion over the future of Homer and Marge Simpson. It started after Simpsons executive producer Al Jean was quoted saying the couple would "legally separate" in the new season in a Variety interview. Unsurprisingly, this caused quite a stir among fans. So Jean took to Twitter to clarify: "I DIDN'T SAY Homer and Marge are breaking up I said they are BIGGER THAN JESUS." The official Simpsons Twitter account also got involved - tweeting a picture of Bart writing on the blackboard "Homer and Marge and not breaking up". That was followed by another tweet saying "Marge and Homer forever!" in Spanish. In the Variety interview, Al Jean was also quoted saying that Homer would find out he has narcolepsy, a brain disorder that causes a person to suddenly fall asleep. Jean said: "In the premiere, it's discovered after all the years Homer has narcolepsy and it's an incredible strain on the marriage. Homer and Marge legally separate, and Homer falls in love with his pharmacist, who's voiced by Lena Dunham." Jean used Twitter to respond to several fans, although it doesn't seem much clearer exactly what will happen to Homer and Marge. Season 27 of The Simpsons is due to air in September, and it will answer all the big questions - which one will be staying at 742 Evergreen Terrace? Where will the other one move? Which parent will Bart, Lisa, and Maggie live with? And will there be a new title sequence to accommodate the split? And the big one - is it for real or will they go back on their decision just before the credits like on Family Guy last season, when Quagmire almost did time for statutory rape?

The 'droid can't even handle 9 right now

At its annual WWDC conference, Apple announced iOS 9 - the next level of mobile operating system for iPhones, iPads, and iPod Touch devices. While iOS 9 does not offer anything radical in terms of design, the biggest feature in the new OS is what Apple calls ‘Proactive assistance.’ This new feature relies on deep-search linking, along with data from third-party apps to provide results that are most relevant to a user. And it sounds a lot like Google Now. But the big question - will it prove to be a worthy challenger to the Google voice-assistant? For starters, proactive assistance is going to take the place of Spotlight in iOS 9 and it will give users the most relevant information based on the context they put in. For example, it can learn what music you listen to in the gym at what time of day and it will put that on for you when say you plug the iPhone into a set of speakers. In addition to this, Proactive will also automatically add invites and reminders to your calendar without a user having to tap and do it themselves. Also, searches via Proactive will be anonymous, and not shared with third-parties or linked to other Apple services. In Google Now’s case, it is invariably linked to other Google products and services including your email. Apple showed WWDC how Proactive assistance will work and gave demos of the service, but it’s not clear if iOS 9 will offer an option to users to log out of this new service. We'll just have to find out when iOS 9 is ready to download.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Putting it off any longer

But I fear I must. The something big I mentioned last night is still twelve weeks away.

Something big is coming

Watch this space.

High hopes for ocean cleanup

A Dutch man barely out of his teens is leading one of the most ambitious ocean cleanup efforts ever: to halve the amount of plastic debris floating in the Pacific within a decade. The man’s name is Boyan Slat, and he’s come up with a pretty ingenious way of doing it. Instead of clamoring around the globe on a never-ending junk hunt, he wants the ocean to “clean itself.” Every year, 8 million tons of plastic are dumped into the oceans. Slat’s plan is to place enormous floating barriers in rotating tidal locations around the globe, and let the plastic waste naturally flow into capture. These barriers aren’t nets - sea life gets tangled in those. They’re big, V-shaped buffers anchored by floating booms. Slat’s nonprofit, the Ocean Cleanup, says the current will flow underneath those booms, where animals will be carried through safely. The buoyant plastic is funneled above and concentrates at the water’s surface along the barriers for easy gathering and disposal. Of course the irresponsibly dumped trash will still have to be removed using human effort, but the job is now that much easier because it's all being moved to one place. Sadly, you won't find this in action just yet - this ocean-cleaning system will be deployed next year. They’re planning to station it near the Japanese island of Tsushima, situated in between Japan’s Nagasaki prefecture and South Korea. The detritus-catching apparatus will be 6,500 feet (almost 2 km) wide and is being called the longest floating structure ever placed in the ocean. Eventually, more of these storm-resistant, plastic-gathering structures will be placed around the world, if all goes according to plan. But enough about that because here's a question for you all: ever wanted more from your batteries? How about 800% more? Most new batteries contain 1.5V of energy when first bought. The problem is that many devices stop functioning at around the 1.3V mark. That's what California-based startup Batteroo have in mind with their new product, the Batteriser. It uses micro-circuitry that lets you instantly tap into the 80% energy that is usually thrown away, and is crafted from stainless steel at just 100 micrometres thin to fit into your devices' battery compartments, yet tough enough to be reused over and over. Need more convincing? Check out the website here.

Indonesia to get the FIF out

FIFA, which finds itself under heavy scrutiny following the indictment of 14 world soccer officials on charges of taking bribes and other corruption, has paradoxically shown the red card to Indonesia for failing to manage its own affairs and allowing third parties, namely its government, to influence Persatuan Sepakbola Seluruh Indonesia (sometimes translated as All-Indonesian Football Association). The ban, first reported by the Wall Street Journal, means Indonesia will not be allowed to compete in qualifiers for the 2018 World Cup in Russia or the 2019 AFC Asian Cup hosted by the United Arab Emirates. "This decision resulted from the effective 'take over' of the activities of PSSI by the Indonesian authorities," FIFA said in a statement. Indonesia has not qualified or participated in the World Cup since the last pre-war edition in 1938, when it played as the Dutch East Indies, and it won't be able to until their national governing body develops a backbone and learns not to sieg heil to corrupt government types. Seriously, don't mix sport with politics. It has led to disaster in the past.

Another Enterprise crew member to boldly go to the great starship in the sky

Tom Hanks’ son Chet Haze has one question - can't ya give an up and coming white rapper a break and let him say "my n****" every now and then? Yes, rapping Chet says he identifies with hip hop culture so much, he should be allowed to drop the N-word freely. I would not give him unlimited free passes on such a horrible word on his flimsy reasoning alone. Eminem may use words like bitch and faggot freely, but the N-word isn't even in his vocabulary. Sorry, Chet, but you have to be a n***** to say n*****. Your reasoning for the contrary is the epitome of illogic. And speaking of logic, it seems time could soon be up for yet another Star Trek actor. Barely three months after the loss of Leonard Nimoy, Nichelle Nichols, who played Uhura in the original TV series and films, suffered a mild stroke Wednesday night, according to a post on her Facebook page. "Last night while at her home in L.A., Nichelle Nichols suffered from a mild stroke," said the statement by Zach McGinnis of Galactic Productions, which books Nichols and other actors for public appearances. "She is currently undergoing testing to determine how severe the stroke was," the statement continued. "Please keep her in your thoughts." Just remember that one day, we will all be assimilated with the cold hard ground housing those who have gone before us. You can hold off this eventuality for many years, but in the end, resistance is futile.

Caitlyn, #dontgivebackthegold

A bunch of total idiots believe Caitlyn Jenner ought to give back her Gold Medal. On Change.org, a petition went into circulation on Monday that was started by a woman named Jennifer Bradford. It asks the Olympic International Committee to revoke the top prize Bruce Jenner earned at the 1976 Decathalon because Bruce says he has always identified as female. "We congratulate Ms. Jenner on these new developments and wish her the best," reads the petition. "However, this creates somewhat of a problem as Ms. Jenner (as talented as she is) claims that she has always believed herself to be truly female, and therefore, was in violation of committee rules regarding women competing in men's sports and vice versa." The ridiculous document proceeds to try and justify why the former athlete's accomplishments at the 1976 Montreal Olympics should no longer be valid. "As we must now either claim that Bruce Jenner and Caitlyn Jenner are two entirely different people (which we know is not true), or that Bruce Jenner was, in fact, a woman participating in a men's event. "It is only fair to all involved that women receive their credit as champions of the Decathalon and that the men racing Ms. Jenner are not expected to compete with a superior, streamlined being such as herself." This is clearly an asinine line of reasoning, especially coming from somebody who probably doesn't know what the word asinine means. And, most insulting of all perhaps, Bradford somehow tries to claim that Caitlyn Jenner giving up her Gold would help her cause. "We urge Ms. Jenner to support the transgender community by giving up the medals earned by competing against the wrong gender," she writes. "Thank you, and congratulations to Ms. Jenner for her courage! #givebackthegold." Sadly, over 5,000 people have signed the petition so far. If you sign that, you are officially a complete retard. Even if Jenner did identify as a woman during his gold medal-winning accomplishment at Montreal, at least he didn't use performance-enhancing drugs like a certain seven-time Tour de France champion. There are much better and more worthy petitions on Change.org to sign, for instance this one seeking the disbarment of a lawyer who wants to legalise the murder of LGBT people.

Dudstown? More like Floodstown

It's happening in Texas, and it's also happening in my neck of the woods. I took the above pictures at Otago Polytechnic while waiting for a ride home from the soccer (for those who want the results of the games I went to, Mexico beat Uruguay 2-1 and Serbia beat Mali 2-0). You might not be able to make out the giant puddle because it was dark out, but one thing is clear - 2012 is here. The Mayans did predict this, but they just got the date wrong. Climate change is coming, and not all lifeforms will be able to survive its destructive powers, including but not limited to temperature extremes on both ends of the scale. When we fulfil Mayan prophecy by leaving our planet at the mercy of polluters big and small, future generations are left picking up the pieces. Also, congratulations Kayleigh and Nick (my sister and her husband) for staying married for 200 days.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Windows 10

It's coming on 29 July, and it's not worth it. Ditch your silly Windows machine and get a Mac. If it's not an Apple, it's crapple.

The Rock shakes his way to number one

Earthquake disaster movie San Andreas has topped the US box office, taking $53.2m over the weekend - allaying fears that audiences in quake-prone regions would avoid seeing it. The film, which stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, knocked last week's top film Tomorrowland, which debuted with $40.7m (£26.7m), into third place. Pitch Perfect 2 was at number two and Mad Max: Fury Road was fourth. Avengers: Age of Ultron - 2015's biggest US film so far - was fifth. I've already seen all five, and a particular scene in San Andreas, where one character was trying to attract the attention of The Rock's boat with a laser pointer, has got me thinking that it may be time to clarify my position on those things. For starters, NEVER point them at aircraft unless you're trying to get a rescue vehicle's attention, in which case you should do three short flashes, then three long flashes, then three short flashes (SOS), and try to point it away from the pilot's eyes. They're good for presentations and as a cat toy, but it's not a good idea to use lasers to gain an unfair advantage in a staring contest. Also, don't point them at wildlife. No, seriously, don't.

Baby's last ride

As I have nothing else to write about tonight, we are going back to announcing the Bellend of the Month on the last day of the month instead of the first of the next month. The Bellend of the Month for May 2015 is Brandon Hoffman, a 20-year-old from Pennsylvania who was mimicking a professional wrestling move when he inadvertently slammed his girlfriend’s toddler to the floor, causing head injuries that killed the boy on the 5th. Hoffman is charged with involuntary manslaughter, endangering the welfare of a child, aggravated assault, and other offenses in the death of 18-month old Bryson Shoemaker. Hoffman was performing a wrestling maneuver that is done by The Undertaker known as “The Last Ride” at his Jersey Shore apartment. Hoffman had intended for the boy to land on the bed. In the move, the wrestler gets the opponent on his shoulders then throws him to the ground. There is no excuse for a 20-year-old grown man to behave in this manner with an 18-month-old child. And besides, professional wrestling is fake, even if the crowds' enthusiasm isn't.

Aloha not getting the aloha it deserves

The movie 'Aloha' opened in America this weekend and is loaded with Hollywood stars: Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone, Rachel McAdams, Bill Murray, and Alec Baldwin. It was filmed in Hawaii and showcases the beautiful scenery. But many native Hawaiian people say they will not see the movie. One glaring reason, the title. "It could not have come at a worse time in the Hawaiian community for somebody to nationally use one of our most cherished words for money making," says Hawaiian activist Walter Ritte, who says using the word 'aloha' for a film that has nothing to do with Hawaiian culture is insulting. "It is synonymous to the scientists coming to our most sacred mountain and using it for science without any concern about the sacredness of that mountain," Ritte says referring to the TMT being constructed on Mauna Kea. So what? This movie could actually be a good thing for the state - according to the Hawaii Film Office, the producers did pump millions of dollars into the state's economy. More than 400 local people were hired to help with filming. The producers also went above and beyond the tax credit donation requirement, by contributing money to three public high schools for their arts programs: Radford, Farrington, and Kailua. And it will all be worth it when it opens in New Zealand.

He needs a dollar, dollar, dollar is what he needs

That's right - an elderly man in Washington DC was knocked out and robbed over one dollar. Check it out for yourself:

Corruption to be shown the red card

Israelis were expecting some big news to come out of the annual FIFA (logo pictured) Congress this week. But they probably weren’t expecting this: in a bombshell operation, a Swiss law enforcement team showed up at the Zurich hotel hosting the annual gathering of the international soccer organization — and arrested nine senior officials. The arrests come after decades of corruption allegations aimed at FIFA. The arrested officials face charges of taking money in exchange for World Cup hosting bids, as well as taking bribes in exchange for media and marketing rights for major international tournaments. The allegations are damning, but frankly, they couldn’t have come at a better time for Israel. Until yesterday, much of the coverage of the FIFA Congress surrounded whether delegates would vote to red card Israel from world soccer. The Palestinian Football Association is introducing the motion to suspend Israel, accusing it of unjustly restricting Palestinian soccer players’ freedom of movement and claiming that Israel’s West Bank settlement teams violate FIFA rules. Israeli officials have called the effort blatantly political and said that the Palestinians’ complaints all concern Israel’s security forces — not Israel’s soccer teams. For Israel to be suspended, three quarters of delegates would need to approve the motion. If that were a long shot before, it’s even more unlikely now. Suspending the Jewish state from international play would have rocked world soccer’s boat, inviting allegations of anti-Semitism and double standards. Israel, to say the least, likely would not have gone quietly into the night. Besides, there is already something anti-Semitic about world soccer right now: the FIFA U-20 tournament logo for the upcoming edition in New Zealand has what appears to be a swastika pattern in the bottom. Check it out for yourself:

The Text That Crashed the iPhone

A bug in the way iOS handles certain unicode text causes the iPhone to crash when receiving a message. The string of text has been making its way around the Internet after it was first discovered on Reddit earlier this afternoon.

effective.
Power
لُلُصّبُلُلصّبُررً ॣ ॣh ॣ ॣ
冗

If you send the string of text to anyone with an iPhone, the device will respring and reboot. Jailbroken users will be forced in Safe Mode. If the Messages app was opened to the list view, then the Messages app will become useless as opening it will always result in a crash. Oddly enough, if you have the conversation window open already and receive the text, the phone will not crash; therefore, in order for the crash to work, the user must not have the conversation thread open (the crash works everywhere else including the lock screen, notification center, and banners). If you're stuck with your Messages app constantly crashing after receiving the text there are a couple of fixes. Most involve sending a message outside of the messages app (through Share sheets or through Siri). Below are two examples of ways to solve the issue:

1. Launch the photos app, send a random photo to the person who sent you the text, then go into iMessage and delete the conversation.
2. Use Siri to send a message to the person who just sent you the string. After Siri confirms and sends the message, open the Messages app and the problem should be resolved.

To prevent anyone from restarting your iPhone through the message again, you can turn off alert/banner message previews, or completely turn off message notification banners (Settings > Notifications > Message). No word on how long this bug has been present in iOS but hopefully Apple will release a fix soon.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Domestic violence

Troubled Chicago Bears defensive end Ray McDonald was arrested yesterday on charges of domestic violence and child endangerment after an incident in Santa Clara, Calif., leading the team to release him this afternoon. Santa Clara police said in a release that McDonald allegedly assaulted a woman while she was holding a baby. The Bears announced McDonald's release at 1:30 p.m. Pacific Daylight Time, roughly six hours after McDonald's arrest. "We believe in second chances, but when we signed Ray we were very clear what our expectations were if he was to remain a Bear," Chicago general manager Ryan Pace said in a statement. "He was not able to meet the standard and the decision was made to release him." Fair enough, but it's not enough to simply punish the players who inflict the abuse on women and children. If the NFL wants the good work it's done over the last year to combat domestic violence to actually mean something, it has to go after the owners and GMs who have long enabled them. For instance, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell ought to slap the Chicago Bears with a hefty fine and dock them a draft pick or two. Suspend general manager Ryan Pace for four games. Ban owner George McCaskey from the stadium for the first half of the season while he's at it, too, since it was McCaskey's enlightened decision to blow off the alleged victim when he gave the OK to sign McDonald. His conduct should not have been condoned like that. In fact, fighting has no place in any non-combat sport except for ice hockey.

Drawn but not defeated

Manchester United ended the 2014/15 season in disappointing fashion at the KC Stadium this morning – with ten men and a goalless draw against Hull City, who were subsequently relegated from the Barclays Premier League after Newcastle claimed the victory they needed to send the Tigers down. Steve Bruce’s men had the better of the chances in a lacklustre 90 minutes and while the home side rightly had two goals disallowed for offside, they were also denied by a couple of excellent saves from Victor Valdes, who made his first start for the Reds in place of the injured David De Gea. A frustrating afternoon for United was capped by Marouane Fellaini's red card for a studs-up challenge on ex-Red Paul McShane. Despite there being little riding on the game for United, Louis van Gaal stayed true to his word and fielded a strong side, featuring fit-again captain Wayne Rooney and Angel Di Maria, who made his first start since the FA Cup defeat to Arsenal at the start of March. The Argentinian took up a spot on the left wing, with Juan Mata on the right and Ashley Young behind Rooney. There was no Radamel Falcao after he picked up a knock in training, while Robin van Persie was named on the bench. Two other players per side were given yellow cards, but the real issue here is that Manchester United need to do better next season. Fourth place may be enough to get into the Champions League, but it won't win them the silverware. If LVG can pull it off, it will be a bigger comeback than when Pam Dawber was on The Crazy Ones last April.

1900 POSTS!

And Ireland have become the first country in the world to legalise gay marriage via a constitutional referendum. What isn't good, however, is that an executive is walking free after a prison sentence for abusing her powers was cancelled. Former Korean Air executive Heather Cho, who was jailed for a fit she threw on a flight over how she was served nuts, walked free Friday when an appeals court suspended her sentence. Cho, the daughter of Korean Air's chairman, was sentenced to a year in jail in February. On Friday, Seoul's High Court reduced the sentence to 10 months - and then released her on two years' probation. If she runs afoul of the probation restrictions at any point in the next two years, she'll be back in jail. Cho was working for Korean Air on December 5 when, as a first-class passenger on an international flight, an attendant served her macadamia nuts in a bag. Cho wanted them on a plate and demanded the plane go back to the gate at New York's JFK airport so a crew member could be kicked off the flight. I too would expect a higher standard of service in first class, but ejecting a flight attendant is not the way to address the issue. Instead, she could've said something like "excuse me, sir/ma'am, shouldn't you be serving first-class passengers their nuts on a plate instead of in a bag?" and they can sort out the issue without inconveniencing everyone on board.

Nut rage exec has been freed

But enough about that because Ireland will find out tomorrow if they have become the first electorate in the world to vote for same-sex marriage. Polling stations have closed, with returning officers reporting higher turnout than usual for a referendum 'more comparable with a general election'. There are no postal votes in Ireland but some emigrants felt so passionately they caught the boat home to vote. I hope they do legalise love, but whatever the result, the bitter nature of the campaign has revealed the battle going on for the soul of a nation. A former bastion of the Roman Catholic Church, Ireland has undergone dramatic social change in the space of just 40 years. Contraception was illegal there until 1980, couples could not divorce until 1995 (the only two jurisdictions with that same fault now are the Philippines and Vatican City), and homosexuality was only decriminalised 22 years ago. When issues are emotive, it is difficult to predict the result - the winning margin in the divorce referendum was 0.56%. But that was 20 years ago and the church no longer holds sway over hearts and minds in Ireland. So here's hoping gays in Ireland will one day be able to tie the knot.

Like I said, we'll see China on the dark side of the moon

China is considering landing a spacecraft on the moon's "dark side" in 2020 - a mission which, if successful, would make it the first country to do so. The planned mission will see the Chang'e 4 spacecraft orbit the moon before sending a rover to the surface, Wu Weiren, the chief engineer for China's Lunar Exploration Program told state-run broadcaster CCTV, adding "we probably will choose a site on which it is more difficult to land and more technically challenging... Our next move will probably see some spacecraft land on the far side of the moon." China successfully landed a spacecraft - the Chang'e 3 - on the moon in December 2013, becoming only the third nation after the United States and Russia to land on the moon's surface. While the side of the moon not visible from earth has been observed by various probes, a landing has never been attempted. They should look at getting a man there of their very own, which the US was able to do on six occasions between 1969 and 1972, and then maybe a human settlement (provided they don't screw it up and send the moon hurtling through space like on that show Space: 1999).

We'll see China on the dark side of the moon

That's right, China's planning to explore the dark side of the moon by 2020. More when I can get tonight's source material to load.

Flat shoes canned at Cannes

Film producer Valeria Richter, who has part of her left foot amputated, says she was stopped at the Cannes Film Festival for not wearing high heels. She told BBC 5 live the Clothing Nazis pointed at her shoes and said: "No, no, this won't work, you can't get in like this." Ms Richter, who was eventually allowed in, spoke after Cannes was accused of turning away women in flat shoes. Richter told the BBC she "couldn't keep her balance" in heels, after having her big toe and part of her left foot amputated. She was stopped four times on her way into the premiere of Gus Van Sant's Sea of Trees on Saturday. "They pointed their finger at my shoe and then were waving their fingers at me," she said. "It was quite obvious it was my shoes that was an issue." "Obviously, I could wave my foot at them," she said, "and that would make the situation a little awkward for them, because I had a visible explanation [for not wearing heels]". Although Ms Richter was eventually granted entry, she said "many of my colleagues who can't wear heels were rejected and did not come in." Seriously, why should one have to have a penis to be allowed to wear flat-soled shoes inside, especially in a year when Cannes is seeking to address sexism in cinema? The festival has a less than stellar reputation when it came to women's clothes (this year, believe it or not, is the first time women are allowed to wear trousers to their premieres), and this has to change. This crap may be OK in Saudi Arabia, but not in France. It's ridiculous that women in the Western world are still being expected in 2015 to sieg heil to male chauvinism.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: What passes for "television" in Cambodia

Seriously, don't bother. Case in point: this is Autumn Allen — an American 13-year-old singer who has been living in Cambodia with her father for the last 7 years.

This year, she was invited to a TV show called Penh Chet Ort (Like It Or Not) for a special Mother's Day episode. The hosts of the show told Allen that they were about to reunite her with her mother, whom she hadn't seen since her move to Cambodia. This notion of getting to meet her mother again left Allen in tears. Apparently the show thought it was a good idea buildup the teen's hopes and then crush them with a cruel reveal — Allen's "mother" was introduced as a cross-dressing comedian named Chuop Rolin. The producer was stupid, brainless, and heartless by playing around with the mind and heart of a 13-year-old girl in this way. They lied to this girl that she and her mother who she hasn't met for a very long time will be reunited on live TV, only to be presented with a cross dressing comedian. The cross dressing is also a sickening joke of LGBT people and it's all too common on Cambodian TV.

All television producers in Cambodia, if you're reading this, it's time to stop the senseless "comedy" of screaming and making fun of gay people (for those who don't understand English, វាជាពេលវេលាដើម្បីបញ្ឈប់ "កំប្លែង" ផ្ដេសផ្ដាសនៃការស្រែកនិងការធ្វើឱ្យមានភាពសប្បាយរីករាយនៃមនុស្សស្រឡាញ់ភេទដូចគ្នា). It's discriminatory, and it's not funny when lives are affected. Why would a Cambodian audience find it funny if I don't? The sketches are always similar with people screaming off their lungs, and then the cross dressing guy who would be abused and made to hurt. How is that funny? Speaking of funny, how's a woman like an oven? You have to heat both of them up before you stick in the meat loaf.

Own goal costs two points

A cruel deflection handed Arsenal a late goal and an equaliser at Old Trafford this morning, as Manchester United ended their home campaign with a 1-1 draw. The Reds dominated the first half and went into the break 1-0 up courtesy of a stunning strike by Ander Herrera, who received the only yellow card in the match. Louis van Gaal's side were no less impressive for long periods after the interval, too, and will feel aggrieved that Theo Walcott's cross on 82 minutes ended up in the back of the net via a deflection off Tyler Blackett. Still, the way United controlled large parts of the game will have pleased the manager and is further proof that this squad has what it takes to compete with the best sides around. An injury to David De Gea, which forced the goalkeeper off just before Arsenal scored, was less pleasing. Also less pleasing is the fact that Manchester United no longer have a shot at second, but they still have a shot at third if they win their game against Hull City and Arsenal lose both of their next two games.

It's now mathematically certain

Manchester United will compete in the UEFA Champions League in 2015/16. The Reds, who missed out on qualifying for Europe's premier competition last season, are guaranteed to finish in at least fourth spot in the Barclays Premier League after fifth-placed Liverpool lost at home to Crystal Palace on last night (all times local). Palace, with former United winger Wilfried Zaha among the scorers, beat Brendan Rodgers' side 3-1 in Steven Gerrard's final home match as captain. Louis van Gaal’s men still have an opportunity to finish higher in the table, but need other results going the right way. A victory over third-placed Arsenal on Sunday would put United a point ahead of the Gunners, but Arsene Wenger’s men crucially have a game in hand, at home to Sunderland on Wednesday, ensuring their destiny remains in their own hands. Second-placed Manchester City are currently five points ahead of the Reds with two games to go – the Blues travel to Swansea on Sunday lunchtime, before finishing with a home game against Southampton. If United finish the campaign in fourth, the Reds will need to get through a two-legged qualifying play-off to be in the hat for the group stage. The draw for the play-off takes place on Friday 7 August with the first leg to be played on 18/19 August and the second leg scheduled for 25/26 August. Let's hope LVG can win this one as well as the Premiership next season.

Boston bomber on death row

A jury in Boston has voted to execute Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, refuting his lawyers' argument that he was pulled into the plot by his radicalized Muslim older brother and overcoming Massachusetts' popular opposition to the death penalty. Tsarnaev said nothing when the verdict was announced yesterday at about 3:30pm EDT. He sat in his chair and swallowed, and remained expressionless as U.S. District Judge George O'Toole thanked members of the jury, some of whom wept. After he is formally sentenced by O'Toole, Tsarnaev will likely end up at the U.S. Bureau of Prison's death row in Terra Haute, Indiana, where he is expected to embark on an appeals process that could last years before he is finally killed by lethal injection. At 21, he will become the youngest person on federal death row. But in the short term, the sentence closes a major chapter in Boston's recovery from the April 15, 2013 bombing, in which twin blasts rocked the race's crowded downtown finish line, killing three spectators, injuring more than 260 others, and inflicting a grievous psychological wound on one of America's oldest cities. The explosions, on a local holiday marking the opening battles of the Revolutionary War, were the worst act of terror on American soil since 9/11. Let's hope James Holmes also gets put on death row.

BB gone bye-bye

BB King, whose scorching guitar licks and heartfelt vocals made him the idol of generations of musicians and fans while earning him the nickname "King of the Blues," has died at the age of 89. Although he had continued to perform well into his 80s, the 15-time Grammy winner suffered from diabetes and had been in declining health during the past year. He collapsed during a concert in Chicago last October, later blaming dehydration and exhaustion. He had been in hospice care at his Las Vegas home. For most of a career spanning nearly 70 years, King was not only the undisputed king of the blues but a mentor to many a guitarist including Eric Clapton, Otis Rush, Buddy Guy, Jimi Hendrix, John Mayall, and Keith Richards. He recorded more than 50 albums and toured the world well into his 80s, often performing 250 or more concerts a year. Sadly, there'll be no more of that. RIP BB.

First deflated balls, now a deflated fine

One particularly intrepid Patriots fan has set up a GoFundMe page to pay the Patriots’ US$1 million fine for Deflategate. On the page, Patriots fan Michael J. Whitman (who is from Spokane, where the closest NFL team is the Seattle Seahawks) said he knows the $1 million goal will be difficult to reach: "We obviously know we won’t reach One Million Dollars, however we do believe the fine is bulls**t and want to help anyway we can. So whatever is donated will be donated to the New England Patriots in help with the fine! As we venture with this, we will do frequent updates to show progression of this! If enough is made to make the travel, we will fly down there (on our own expenses) and deliver a check in person!" Do they need an extra million? Not likely. In August 2014, Forbes valued the New England Patriots at $2.6 billion, ranked behind only the Dallas Cowboys in wealth. Team owner Robert Kraft has a net worth of $4.3 billion, according to Forbes, who also tallied up Brady’s salary over the course of his tenure as a Patriot and put it at $154,779,500 (and that’s not including bonuses or endorsement deals). And besides, the fans weren't the ones responsible for the deflated balls, and yet some of them have already donated to the "cause". Every cent being put towards a fine for cheating is a cent not going towards a more worthy cause like earthquake victims in Nepal.

Crammers to uncram their coffers

US mobile operators Sprint and Verizon will pay out a combined US$158m after the feds ruled that they allowed advertisers to tack unwanted premium charges onto customers' bills. According to the FCC, those scumbags looked the other way when dodgy companies signed customers up for services without warning them that would be billed recurring monthly charges. Under the terms of the deal, Sprint will pay $68m in fines, while Verizon will cough $90m. Those figures will include $50m and $70m in consumer refunds, respectively. The shady offerings – often advertised as offering horoscope readings or "life predictions" – hid the fact that they were subscription services that were billed as monthly recurring charges. A portion of the charges were kicked back to the telcos – 35 per cent in Sprint's case and 30 per cent for Verizon – which is why they are being held culpable. It serves them right, because consumers rightfully expect their monthly phone bills will reflect only those services that they've purchased. This settlement will put in place strong protections that will prevent consumers from being victimized by these kinds of practices in the future. How strong a message the current fines will send, however, is unclear. Verizon's $90m fine will hardly make a dent in its pocketbook, having reported a hefty $4.3bn in net income in its most recent financial quarter alone, so maybe the fine should've been something with a b in it. Verizon and Sprint are not the first to be fined for their cooperation with cramming outfits. The other two major telcos in the States were fined for this crap last year: T-Mobile was hit with $90m in fines in December for allowing the practice, and AT&T was fined $105m in October. SO DON'T DO IT.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Deflategate

Tom Brady has been suspended for four games and the New England Patriots fined a record-equalling US$1 million (the fine equals the largest ever dished out by the NFL since they went after San Francisco 49ers owner Ed DeBartolo Jr when he pleaded guilty for his role in a Louisiana gambling fiasco in 1999) as the NFL came down hard on its marquee player over the "deflategate" scandal. The National Football League not only suspended the two-time NFL MVP without pay but also stripped the Patriots of both their 2016 first-round draft pick and 2017 fourth-round draft pick for deflating footballs in a key AFC play-off contest. The idea is that a deflated and thus softer football is easier for a quarterback to handle and pass. The Patriots' chairman and chief executive, Robert Kraft, has called the investigation "one-sided" and said the punishment did not fit the crime. "Despite our conviction that there was no tampering with footballs, it was our intention to accept any discipline levied by the league. Today's punishment, however, far exceeded any reasonable expectation," said Kraft. "It was based on circumstantial rather than hard or conclusive evidence." Brady's agent, Don Yee, also slammed the suspension, describing it as "ridiculous". He said four-time Super Bowl winner Brady would exercise his right to launch an appeal to commissioner Roger Goodell within three days, and it would be in his best interests to do so because if his appeal is successful, he won't have to sit out four games in which he could prove crucial in the quest for one of the two spots going in Super Bowl 50.

So tonight they're still connecting like it's 1995

In an age where the average US broadband speed is 11.4 Mbps, some 2.1 million people in the country are still using the decades old AOL dial-up to connect to the Internet. AOL reported the mind puzzling number in its quarterly earnings last week. About 70 per cent of Americans use broadband that is 200 times faster than AOL's dial-up. However, it seems AOL loyalists prefer to experience the Web like it is 1995. Even smartphones are more than a hundred times faster than AOL's meager 56 Kbps speed, or the lack of it. A 56 Kbps modem connection means the pictures download top-to-bottom, just extremely slow. Given the present day bombardment of ads, software add-ons, GIFs, auto-play video content, and more interactive sites, it is indeed surprising to see AOL having such a fan following. When will they get with the programme? Not only is dial-up extremely slow, you can't use the phone and the Internet at the same time unless you have a second phone line, and only one person can be online at any one time, so drop your lousy dial-up connection and get broadband. It'll be with it.

Two new starters, two goals against the hosts

Manchester United bounced back from three consecutive defeats this morning as goals from Juan Mata and Marouane Fellaini secured a hard-fought victory over Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park, boosting the club's chances of securing Champions League qualification. The Reds were made to work hard for the three points, however, after Jason Puncheon scored a deflected equaliser at the start of the second half for the hosts. Thankfully, Louis van Gaal’s men held their nerve and secured an important win that puts pressure on fifth-placed Liverpool ahead of their trip to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, and Chelsea better win so the Reds can be guaranteed a top-four finish and van Gaal's job will be secure going into next season. Van Gaal made two changes to his starting XI by bringing in Phil Jones and Luke Shaw for Paddy McNair and Robin van Persie. The latter was not even in the squad due to a virus, while Angel Di Maria also missed the game due to injury. The only yellow card of the game went to Ander Herrera.

This is what we call a Muppets comeback

The long wait for Muppets fans is over: ABC is bringing back the beloved puppets in a prime-time TV series this fall for the first time in nearly 20 years. News of the new show, called "The Muppets", dropped this week as TV networks begin calling producers, stars and studio executives in advance of next week's "upfronts" — the annual ritual where broadcasters roll out their fall schedules for advertisers to score advance sales. "The Muppets", which features the Disney-owned puppets from "The Muppet Show" and "Muppets Tonight" TV series, along with the movie franchises, was considered a shoo-in for pickup at Disney-owned ABC. The series will be filmed like a "mockumentary" — similar to "The Office" or "Modern Family" — showcasing the puppets' personal and romantic lives in a little more adult setting. This will obviously mean it's going to suck. Only Chris Lilley can pull the mockumentary off, my favourite one of his being Jonah from Tonga.

Last Windows

Microsoft Windows 10, which will be launched for PCs this summer, will be the Redmond-based tech firm's last Windows OS version, said Jerry Nixon, a Microsoft employee and developer evangelist, at the company's ongoing Ignite conference in Chicago. Reiterating the company's "Windows as a service" philosophy, Nixon said the firm is planning no new OS version launches in the future. "Right now we're releasing Windows 10, and because Windows 10 is the last version of Windows, we're all still working on Windows 10," he added. Nixon said Microsoft secretly made its base for Windows 10 when it launched Windows 8.1 last year, and that with Windows 10 it will be pushing out regular updates to the OS instead of introducing new versions. Explaining how it would work, Nixon gave the example of how OS components, such as the Start Menu and the built-in apps, will be bifurcated and updated independently. Alongside, Microsoft revealed that Patch Tuesdays will be abolished, and the update cycle will be moved to a 24/7 one. Users could either opt-in for slow rollout, meaning receiving updates in bundles, or a fast rollout, where they would receive updates as soon as they are released. Maybe that's something Apple could look into - maybe release a Mac OS XI and just keep putting out updates for that instead of putting out more Mac OS X versions.

Mindy's out, Kara's in

Star who was named after Pam Dawber's character on Mork and Mindy? Check. Three seasons? Check. A network to air season four? Check. Well, it would have one, but Fox is breaking up with The Mindy Project. You heard right - the network has canceled Mindy Kaling’s romantic comedy. The show, which boasts a cult audience but has been dogged by low ratings, wrapped its third season in March. There may be a second life for the show, with a big upside. The show’s producer, Universal Television, is currently in serious talks with Hulu for multiple additional seasons. Hulu is a logical suitor, as it already owns the streaming rights to all of the show’s episodes. But enough about that because there's something definitely worth jacking off to next season - CBS has handed out a series order to its DC Comics adaptation Supergirl. The drama — which had a hefty series commitment penalty attached — stars Glee and Whiplash breakout Melissa Benoist as Kara Zor-El, who was born on Krypton but has been hiding the powers she shares with her famous cousin since arriving on Earth. But now at age 24, she decides to embrace her superhuman abilities and be the hero she was always meant to be. I say bring it on, because as the latest comic book show on the Big Five networks, it joins Flash, Arrow, and iZombie (The CW); Gotham (Fox); NBC's bubble drama Constantine; as well as ABC's Marvel dramas Agents of SHIELD and Agent Carter. While Constantine is considered a long shot to come back, a renewal of at least one of those shows per network would give each of the Big Five networks a comic show.

So much for this being United's year

It's official - barring administration or any foul play that might incur a points deduction, Chelsea have won the English Premier League. They are the first London-based team to win the Premiership since 2010. But Manchester United still has a shot at second place, just not a good one. If they win at least two of their next three games, then there will still be hope for LVG and his men. But even fourth is still better than what Moyes could do.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Microsoft Edge

At its Build developers conference in San Francisco, Microsoft said last week that Edge will replace Internet Explorer when Windows 10 debuts later this year. It was previously known as "Project Spartan." Edge will use an "e" icon similar to the one Internet Explorer has used since 1996. Microsoft operating systems chief Joe Belfiore noted that the "e" icon "now has a completely different and better meaning than it has for a while. Unlike Internet Explorer, Edge will support modern browser functions, such as extensions. Microsoft showed off Edge extensions for the first time at the conference, so it's definitely starting way behind rival browsers Chrome and Firefox. Seriously, people, just use Safari. Even if you don't have a Mac, there is a version of Safari for Windows.

They're at number 1, with The Magic Whip

It's not that easy
To get to the top

(woo-hoo) may not be heavy metal
(woo-hoo) but they made it to the top
(woo-hoo) Blur are back after 12 years
All of this time, we've been wondering what they were up to
What they were up to

But enough about that because Pam Dawber starring on an episode of The Crazy Ones last year was a much bigger deal as far as comebacks go, and also because another Star Trek actor has boldly gone where others like Spock and Scotty have gone before: her grave. Grace Lee Whitney, who played Captain Kirk's assistant on the original "Star Trek" series, has died at the age of 85. Whitney died of natural causes on Friday in her home in the Central California town of Coarsegold, about 50 miles north of Fresno. Whitney played Yeoman Janice Rand in the first eight episodes before being written out of the series. In her 1998 autobiography "The Longest Trek: My Tour of the Galaxy," she wrote that her acting career largely came to an end and she became an alcoholic. She wrote that she struggled with her addiction for many years before getting treatment and regaining her career with the help of Leonard Nimoy, who starred as Spock in the series and who also died earlier this year. She returned for the movies, reprising her role in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture," "Star Trek III: The Search for Spock," "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home", and "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country." RIP Yeoman Rand.

Reds bagged out on home turf

Manchester United were beaten 1-0 by West Brom this morning at Old Trafford, despite dominating the game, and a top-four finish in the Barclays Premier League, and by extension Loser van Gaal's job, remains in the balance. Chris Brunt's free-kick deflected off Jonas Olsson to stun Old Trafford and Robin van Persie passed up a golden opportunity to equalise when his penalty was saved by Boaz Myhill, and the keeper was magnificent throughout. On-field discipline was nearly as magnificent with just one player receiving a yellow card. But what wasn't magnificent was the Reds' performance. This is the third consecutive clean sheet against the Reds. Even more importantly, there is a clause in LVG's contract stating that if the Reds don't finish in the top four, then they can sack him. David Moyes had a similar clause in his contract. Even if they can't win the Premiership, they can still finish in the top four if LVG starts pulling his weight.

And after all, it's a Powerwall

Electric car pioneer Tesla has unveiled a "home battery" which its founder Elon Musk said would help change the "entire energy infrastructure of the world." The Tesla Powerwall can store power from solar panels, from the electricity grid at night when it is typically cheaper, and provide a secure backup in the case of a power outage. In theory the device, which typically would fit on the wall of a garage or inside a house, could make solar-powered homes completely independent of the traditional energy grid. "The goal is complete transformation of the entire energy infrastructure of the world, to completely sustainable zero carbon," Musk told reporters shortly before unveiling the Powerwall in a stylish warehouse space outside Los Angeles yesterday. Initially the device, which will cost US$3,500, will go on sale in the United States later this year. But the aim is to roll it out internationally some time next year. Germany is seen as a key market for the product - which is about 15 cm (6 inches) thick, 1.2 m (4 feet) tall, and 90 cm (3 feet) across - because it has among the highest take-up of solar energy in the world. But it could also be a huge boon for under-developed regions, where power is often unreliable at best, despite abundant solar energy - and Musk compared the potential to that of the way cellphone technology has expanded. "It's analogous to the way mobile leap-frogged landlines," Musk said, adding "this is going to be really great for the poorest communities in the world - this allows you to be completely off grid." Musk stressed however that moving advanced economies like America away from unsustainable fossil fuels was a key goal. However, the Tesla chief was coy when asked whether Tesla Energy would be a bigger business than Tesla Motors, for which he is best known. He dodged the question. Personally, I don't care which one comes out the bigger one, because they are both on the same page about the fact that we don't need fossil fuels - we have this handy fusion reactor in the sky, called the sun. If everyone was on the same page, there would still be hope for our planet. But as far as winning the Premier League title goes, there is no hope for Manchester United, or for that matter, any team other than Arsenal. Chelsea are at the top of the table with four games to go. Second is Manchester City, who are 13 points behind with four games to go. Third is Arsenal, who are also 13 points behind (the tie is broken with City winning on goal difference) but they have five games to go, as do Sunderland (who are in the drop zone along with QPR and Burnley). The only way someone other than Chelsea will win it now is if Chelsea suffer a points deduction or if Arsenal win their last five and Chelsea lose their next four. But Man United are still seven points ahead of fifth-place Liverpool, and there is still hope of them finishing second and from there getting the silverware back in 2017 if not next year.

Pooch war lands school district in the poo

The co-Bellends of the Month for April 2015 are those in charge of the Gates-Chili Central School District (logo pictured) in Rochester, New York. Said district is requesting a clarification to a ruling by the Department of Justice regarding a service dog for a young girl. So what sounds so wrong about that, I hear you ask? Here's what: the student's mother says her daughter needs a service dog with her in school because of a medical condition. She and the Gates-Chili Central School District have struggled over the financial burden of providing a handler for the dog. The justice department ruled the district must pay for the handler. As of Wednesday, the district wants the decision clarified. Mother Heather Pereira is upset and doesn't know why the school district is again refusing to comply. She says it's unthinkable. "They can't do this in 2015 to a little girl who is not a borderline case," says Pereira. "She has a life-threatening seizure disorder." Pereira says the Gates-Chili school district is discriminating against her eight-year-old daughter, Devyn. "I don't know why they're doing this to hurt me, my whole family" says Pereira. "I don't know why we've been targeted. I feel like they're trying to make an example out of us, but all they're doing is looking like foolish, heartless people." Devyn battles Angelman syndrome, a combination of autism and epilepsy. Her service dog, Hannah, helps prevent seizures and keep her on-task at school. For several years, Pereira has had to pay for a handler, a cost of more than US$25,000. She asked the district to pay, but they refused. "It's absurd," says Pereira. "Logically it makes no sense." Two weeks ago, the Department of Justice ruled the district had violated federal law. The agency found that Devyn can bring her dog to school without a handler. The district was also ordered to pay the family damages, but they want the DOJ to clarify and possibly revoke its ruling. Their statement in part: "the rules concerning service dogs that are at odds with the language and application of the existing officially published ADA service dog rules." Pereira says the district is breaking the law. She says she isn't sure what's next for Devyn. "I have to regroup and think about what we'll do next," says Pereira. Here's what she should do next: look at homeschooling or moving to a district without so many Nazis in charge. And if the district really need the ruling spelt out, IT MEANS YOU NEED TO LET DEVYN HAVE HER SERVICE DOG WITH HER IN SCHOOL, YOU NAZIS. AND YOU NEED TO PAY THEM BACK FOR THE HANDLER. IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Pay it forward - four digits forward

Today, a man reminded everyone of the kindness of strangers by gifting a struggling New York waitress with a US$3000 tip (proof pictured). Mike, who wished to remain anonymous, told ABC News in the US, “This woman had been serving us for almost a year now. She’s a lovely individual, and she talked about how she was served an eviction notice last month.” Mike was inspired by a Pay It Forward project called “ReesSpecht Life,” started by his eighth grade science teacher Rich Specht after Specht’s 22-month-old son died in a tragic drowning accident. “I just had also been constantly thinking about for quite some time my teacher’s project and this foundation, and I thought it was an appropriate time,” said Mike. In response, Specht said, “All we ever want is to make a difference in the world. My son only had 22 months and didn’t really have a chance, and that’s all I wanted for him: to know he inspired someone he never met to do something. I don’t know if there is a word that fits it because I can’t describe the feeling. It restores something that was missing." Mike’s generous donation certainly won't be taken for granted – the lucky waitress says she’ll continue to pay it forward in response. “She really needed (the money) and has been so happy since then, so I feel I did the right thing,” Mike said. “She said she was going to devote herself to the foundation and continue to pay it forward.” The chain will end one day - just like when that blogger Peter Schorsch ended such a chain at his local Starbucks last year.

Another reason not to get inked

Apple Watch users on various social media websites have reported that the device loses connection and shows inaccurate heart rate results if worn on tattooed wrists. And according to tests conducted by iMore, the Apple Watch can run into significant problems if worn by inked customers. The tests produced misleading heart rate measurements on solid black and red colours. Tattoos with lighter colours seemed to give Apple Watch less trouble, only leading to heart rate readings that were slightly off the mark. But dark or light, it is never a good idea to get a tattoo. Those things are a waste of money, could get infected, and one day, it will no longer look as cool as it did when you first got it. And if you regularly donate blood, you might not be able to do it for a while after each tattoo, and if you have a rare blood type, your selfish ink monstrosity could be an inconvenience for somebody who has that same blood type and might need to rely on you for a transfusion. SO DON'T DO IT.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Team relocations

It sucks when your favourite local sports team has to move. Because of such a move in 1994, Los Angeles lost both of its NFL teams - the Raiders to Oakland and the Rams to St Louis. And another one in 2003 meant that Seattle lost its NBA team - the SuperSonics - to Oklahoma City (but they have a New Zealander on their roster, so they got that going for them which is nice). But the one remaining Southern California-based NFL team - the San Diego Chargers - could be moving to LA to fill in the gap which has lasted for 21 seasons, and it would hurt San Diego really bad because no bigger city in America has suffered a sadder sports history. This is a fact - of the nine most populous cities in the U.S, only San Diego has never has won a championship in the NFL, NBA, NHL, or Major League Baseball. Four different San Diego teams have tried. But only two are left - MLB's Padres and the NFL's Chargers. The latter are considering a move to Los Angeles County as soon as next year, adding more misfortune to the sunny city's long list of lost seasons, lost teams, and lost players. After so much sorrow, the larger question is why. Why would teams leave that paradise? And why can't they get the job done there in the end? Consider the cosmic cruelty involved with its poor past:

• No other city has seen two different NBA teams permanently ditch town for greener pastures. The Rockets left San Diego for Houston in 1971, and the Clippers left for LA in 1984.
• Only one of the city's major-college teams has ever won a national title: the San Diego State men's volleyball team in 1973. But the university eliminated the program in a cost-cutting move in 2000.
• Several Hall of Fame-caliber stars have suited up for San Diego pro teams, including quarterback Drew Brees, baseball manager Bruce Bochy, basketball center Bill Walton, and outfielder Dave Winfield. But each of those four endured more losses than wins during their time in San Diego. After moving to other teams, they also each won at least one Super Bowl, World Series, or NBA Finals. In Bochy's case, he's won three world championships in the past five seasons with the San Francisco Giants, all while still owning a home in San Diego County.
• In 1984, a local high school graduate at least made the city proud when he was named MVP of the World Series. But that player was Alan Trammell, a shortstop who was playing for the Detroit Tigers — against his hometown Padres. Trammell and the Tigers crushed the Padres in the latter's first World Series appearance, winning in five games.

So what's the deal there? Just don't call it a curse. It's more like a tradeoff. In exchange for being able to live and work in a warm and sunny coastal climate, San Diego residents are burdened with distractions that tend to prevent productivity. The beach, the mountains, and the desert can all be visited on the same 20-degree (Celsius, 68 Fahrenheit) afternoon in San Diego County. And there's also its close proximity to Mexico, where soccer is more popular. But there should be some big-league presence in San Diego, and if LA needs an NFL team, then maybe it is time for another expansion - maybe put a fifth team in each of the eight divisions and extend the regular season to 18 games (two games against each of the four other teams in its division, one game against each of the five teams in a division in its conference, and one game against each of the five teams in a division in the other conference).

Moyes' former club loses to Moyes' former club

Manchester United lost back-to-back games for the first time under Louis van Gaal this morning as Everton secured a 3-0 win at Goodison Park after goals from James McCarthy, John Stones, and Kevin Mirallas. The defeat leaves the Reds fourth in the Barclays Premier League table with four games left to play and little hope of taking back the title. They are 12 points behind the leaders and even if Man United win their next four games, Chelsea lose their next five, and Manchester City and Arsenal score less that ten points apiece from the rest of their games (both tied at 67 but City are ahead on goal difference), Manchester United's only hope of getting back the Premiership title is if Chelsea do something very wrong and suffer a points deduction as a result of said wrongdoing. Speaking of wrongdoing, two Reds players were booked.

The Visit visiting our screens soon

The trailer of Indian-origin filmmaker M Night Shyamalan's new horror film "The Visit" has landed online. The trailer has similarity with one of the classic Brothers Grimm tales, 'Hansel and Gretel'. But instead of dealing with a wicked witch in a gingerbread house, the kids are trapped in their own grandparents' house, reported Ace Showbiz. In the horror movie, a brother and sister are sent to their grandparents' remote Pennsylvania farm for a week-long trip. Once the children discover that the elderly couple is involved in something deeply disturbing, they see their chances of getting back home are growing smaller every day. The film opens on 9/11, but I'm more interested in finding out what the twist ending is.

Dubai will see Mr. Grey now

Last night, I mentioned that the two sequels to racy bondage flick Fifty Shades of Grey will be released just in time for Valentine’s Day in 2017 and 2018. Today, though, it has been announced that in the UAE, where the film did not get a cinematic release, viewers will be able to watch the film on OSN Box Office, a pay-per-view service, from May 1. Seriously, though, it will save you money and waiting around if you just download it via BitTorrent. There are several torrent sites each with several good movies and TV shows, with the latest episodes often popping up within minutes of its first airing. There are even complete runs of many older TV series that can be downloaded for free - it's much cheaper than buying the DVD. I used it when an episode of The Crazy Ones guest-starring Pam Dawber was on last April - I downloaded the episode (like I did with all the episodes as they aired) and watched it within hours of it first airing instead of waiting around until November for it to air in New Zealand.

Fifty more shades in two more years

The first film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey has taken in millions at the global box office – and even managed to please critics – so it's no surprise that Universal Pictures is banking on the next novels in EL James's trilogy to become future hits. The studio has announced that Fifty Shades Darker, the second film in the series, will be released on 10 February 2017, and Fifty Shades Freed, the final film in the trilogy, will appear on 9 February 2018. The dates have been chosen because of their closeness to Valentine's Day (the first film came out on February 12 or 13 depending on where you live). There are changes afoot for the new instalments in the series. British artist-turned-director Sam Taylor-Johnson, who directed the first film, has already said that she won't be returning to helm the sequels. There were reports that she clashed with the book's author, EL James, during production. A new director is yet to be hired, but I hope it's not David Moyes because he'd ruin the rest of the trilogy like he did Manchester United. However, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are set to reprise their roles as Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, though the pair are reportedly negotiating for more money after the huge financial success of the first film. Production is likely to start in the first quarter of 2016.

Happy 10th birthday YouTube!

On this day 10 years ago, the very first video was uploaded to a new little site named YouTube. The 19-second-long video taken by Jawed Karim rather anti-climatically shows him at San Diego Zoo's elephant enclosure. And that's about it. Here's the video:

Happy Earth Day!

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Beating your chest at a gorilla

A silverback gorilla gave a young girl the fright of her life during a visit to zoo in Nebraska. The girl can be seen beating her chest and laughing as she views the massive ape, but her amusement turned to terror when the animal suddenly charged at her. The gorilla struck the glass enclosure with enough force to crack it, but fortunately for the family it did not shatter. Male silverbacks weigh upwards of 150 kg, and the gorilla lunges with his full force before his momentum is halted by the glass. Here's the entire spectacle:

Brace yourselves - lawyers are coming

HBO has unleashed “A Song of Ice and Fire” on Brooklyn bar Videology, ordering the rental shop, screening room, and watering hole to stop its weekly “Game of Thrones” showings. The network sent “a very polite but official letter asking us to stop showing it,” Wendy Chamberlain, co-owner of the Williamsburg bar, told the Daily News yesterday. “We are fully aware it’s their content, so we’re complying with it,” she said, just hours before the second episode of the series fifth season was to air. Some disappointed patrons showed up an hour before the 9pm program to learn the next chapter in the bloody, sex-filled show with the catchphrase "Winter is Coming" would not be shown at the bar. Just as well I don't care for that crap.

Hazard is a hazard to golden run

Manchester United slipped this morning to an undeserved first Barclays Premier League defeat since February as Chelsea took another big stride towards the title through Eden Hazard’s 38th-minute goal. Wayne Rooney came within a whisker of opening the scoring early on and the Reds arguably dominated the possession and created the most chances at Stamford Bridge, but the visitors’ efforts went unrewarded as the Blues moved 10 points clear of Arsenal at the top of the table and also received all three yellow cards. This isn't good enough. The Reds were a point clear of second place, but it only takes 90 minutes to ruin it for everyone. Chelsea have a commanding lead, but the Reds can still come in from behind this late in the game. For that to happen, though, Louis van Gaal needs to stop playing like the Loser van Gaal from early in the season.

Furious 7 makes a furious profit fast

Furious 7 has crossed the billion-dollar mark at the international box office in just 17 days after its release, it has been revealed. The seventh installment in the action series hit theaters on April 1, opened in America on April 3, and has grossed US$265.35 million at the domestic box-office and an additional US$735.2 million in foreign ticket sales. Your move, Age of Ultron.

Beer and Jerry's

No, Ben & Jerry's isn't making a beer-flavored ice-cream. Or, for that matter, a marijuana-flavored ice cream. But it is taking some heat for plans to put its kid-friendly name - and image - on a craft beer. The Vermont-based ice-cream specialist, known for its often-wacky flavor combinations, has announced plans to create a craft beer dubbed Salted Caramel Brownie Brown Ale, in conjunction with Colorado-based New Belgium Brewing. The brew is tentatively scheduled to hit the market later this year, but the marketplace impact may be quite different than what Ben & Jerry's, which is owned by Unilever, intended. Although the move comes at a time when the craft beer market is exploding, there is parallel national movement to protect children from being marketed to - or influenced by - makers of adult-focused products like tobacco and alcoholic beverages. Some wonder if Ben & Jerry's, a progressive chain that has long stood up for important social and environmental issues, has crossed a line. They may well have done so.

Coffee: the final frontier

These are the voyages of the ISSpresso. Its mission: to explore the coffee preferences of many an astronaut, to seek out the coffee aficionados among the crew, to boldly serve coffee where nobody has served it before. With the launch of the Dragon cargo craft on Tuesday, it is expected to reach the International Space Station by tomorrow. The resupply cargo ship comes with a lot of things including the ISSpresso machine. The ISSpresso machine is expected to give astronauts a real coffee break once it hits the International Space Station. According to Italian astronaut Luca Parmitano, one of the things he missed on Earth during his stint at the space station was espresso. If he will be sent on a mission to the International Space Station, he might not say no anymore with the ISSpresso on board. It's only fitting because coffee is after all the finest organic suspension ever devised.

Never seen a vid like that

A young actor has posted a video online doing impressions of the late Robin Williams. Jamie Costa titled the video 'Never Had A Friend Like Him' and it has already gained more than a million hits on YouTube. In the video Costa chooses numerous films which featured Robin Williams. Costa has also done other impressions of Indiana Jones, Owen Wilson, and Matthew McConaughey, but those three are nowhere near as good as Robin Williams.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: The instability in iOS 8

Hands down, Apple has changed the way we listen to music. With the release of the revolutionary iPod in 2001, digital music downloads became the standard. Since then, Apple has continued to improve the overall experience for those using Apple music software. Our question now is, will the improvements continue with the release of iOS 8.4? The developer preview for iOS 8.4 is now available, which allows developers to start creating apps for iOS and OS X. Along with the developer options comes an updated Apple Music App. Some of the more notable improvements on the app include: an all-new design, the ability to add your own images to your playlists, and an all new MiniPlayer which allows you to control playback while browsing your music collection. If that does not excite you, fret not as there are some additional improvements (well, at least we hope they are improvements). One of these is the return of stability, which has been an issue of late on Apple’s latest iOS 8 operating system. Apple users can now rejoice, because according to a report from 9to5Mac, one of the primary focuses of iOS 9 is to bring back the stability of Apple’s operating system. In their report, they state, “one of iOS 9’s standout ‘features’ will be a directed focus on stabilizing and optimizing the operating system.” Interestingly enough, with such a focus on improving stability, they are referring to it as a standout feature; something that has never been done before. And they better do it because stability was once a staple of the iOS operating system. However, Apple has been taking drastic measure to bring many new marquee features and functionality to catch up with and gain advantage over their competitors. Unfortunately, such rapid development cycles has led to an increase in software flaws and instability. Hopefully this renewed focus on quality over quantity will help bring back an aspect of the operating system that we once loved, and even more importantly, save us from having to rely on Android.

Derby victory puts Reds one point behind Arsenal

United secured a 70th Manchester derby victory over rivals City with a superb 4-2 victory at a jubilant Old Trafford this morning that extends the Reds’ lead over the Blues to four points. It was another fine performance from Louis van Gaal’s men who responded brilliantly after going behind to an eighth-minute Sergio Aguero strike. Ashley Young levelled on 14 minutes before setting up Marouane Fellaini to head home. Juan Mata slotted home a third after the hour, before Chris Smalling completed United's scoring with a fourth soon after. Aguero pulled a consolation back near the end, but the game was already effectively over by that point and rightly so because this could well be Man United's year. Three City players received yellow cards, but what matters here is that the Reds are just one point behind Arsenal and if they keep it up after overtaking them, then they can still catch up to Chelsea, overtake them, and win the Premiership. It can be done.

Get into all the Ivies!

With no expectations, New York teenager Harold Ekeh applied to 13 colleges, hoping to "maybe" get into Stony Brook University, about an hour east of his home in Elmont, Long Island. Then, in recent weeks, the cascade of reply letters came pouring in: Harvard. Yes. Yale. Yes. Princeton. Yes. Not only did he get accepted to all of the schools he applied to, those include all eight Ivy League institutions. That's right, the straight-A student has accomplished the rare feat of getting into all of the nation's Ivies — crediting his parents' work ethic for setting an example and a desire to strive in his adopted homeland after emigrating from Nigeria 10 years ago. And Ekeh isn't the first person to be accepted by the entire League, for he joins another Long Island teenager — Kwasi Enin, the first-generation son of Ghanian immigrants — who also was accepted to all eight Ivies last year. Enin chose Yale, but as for where Ekeh's going to college, he isn't quite sure but he would like to stay close to family. "I'm leaning towards Columbia right now because I'd like to stay in New York City for I guess the rest of my career and work at Mt. Sinai," Ekeh said, adding that America has given his family a life they might never have had in Nigeria. Sure beats a career in advance-fee fraud, doesn't it?

Yet another different kid bullied to death

A 16-year-old transgender girl who spoke on YouTube about being bullied at school in Southern California has killed herself, a support group said, raising questions about what educators can and should do to support students who change gender identity. Taylor Alesana was constantly picked on by peers before taking her life last week, the North County LGBTQ Resource Center said. “With few adults to turn to, and with no support from her school, her life became too difficult,” the group said. “Taylor was a beautiful and courageous girl, and all she wanted was acceptance.” Alesana attended meetings at the center and was very supportive of others, said Max Disposti, the group’s executive director. She posted a series of online videos that included makeup tutorials and accounts of her struggles. In her first video posted in October, she said bullying began at a San Diego-area middle school when she disclosed that she was bisexual. Whoever tormented her, I hope you're happy. That's now one less person who can do any actual good for this world. Speaking of which, it's not too late for you bellends to turn it around. Click here and absorb the song's message.

Guess who's back, back again? MacBook's back, tell a friend!

Two years ago, I was looking forward to Psy's follow-up to Gangnam Style. One year ago, I was looking forward to Pam Dawber's guest appearance on The Crazy Ones. Right now, there is something for us to look forward to: Apple's upcoming ultra thin 12-inch MacBook with a Retina display, which has been overshadowed by all of the Apple Watch news that's been surfacing over the course of the last week. The super slim device is set to launch online and in-stores today, alongside the Apple Watch. Many of its reviewers so far loved the extremely thin size of the MacBook, its impressive Retina display, and its Force Touch Trackpad, but were unhappy with some of the compromises that are made with the machine - lack of ports (just one USB-C port and one headphone jack), the keyboard, the processing speed, and the high price. Almost all of the reviews pointed out some of the shortcomings in the Core M processor, noting that it's much slower than Apple's other notebook offerings and suitable for lighter use, much like a Chromebook. It was, however, able to run Photoshop and Logic Pro, just slower. Several of the reviewers disliked the new keyboard when first trying it due to its thin keys with little travel, but most were able to adjust to the different feel of typing on it after a short period of time. The increased size of the keys was also hard to adjust to for touch typists. Battery life in general ranged from seven hours up, but most of the reviews saw shorter battery life than the promised nine hours of web browsing. Overall, the consensus between reviewers seemed to be that while this is a great MacBook, it's not a solution for everyone and is going to appeal to a niche set of people due to its high price and the performance compromises. My advice would be to wait until a new MacBook Pro comes out. It might be able to fit more USB-C ports, maybe a traditional USB port or two, and/or possibly some of the other ports that graced the sides of previous MacBooks.

They know where the pirates live

An Australian court has ordered internet providers to hand over details of thousands of customers who illegally downloaded the film Dallas Buyers Club. In a landmark ruling, the owners of the rights to the film won a battle to access the contact details of 4,726 people who apparently shared the Oscar winning 2013 film, which starred Matthew McConaughey. Citing the need to deter future online pirates, the Federal Court ordered several internet providers to hand over details associated with Australian IP addresses, which Dallas Buyers Club LLC says were linked to illegal downloads via BitTorrent, a file sharing network. The firms subject to the order include iiNet, one of Australia's biggest internet providers. They had argued the case was frivolous because it would be "economically pointless" for the film producers to try to recover the value of each copy of the movie, worth about a few dollars apiece. The court rejected the argument, stating: "It is not beyond the realm of possibilities that damages of a sufficient size might be awarded, in an appropriately serious case, in a bid to deter people from the file sharing of films." That is just wrong. The rights holders now know where those people live, and could threaten the pirates and/or their families. And it has no effect on me because I live over the Tasman.

First Brazil, now the Black Sticks

Last year, Germany beat Brazil 7-1 to advance to the final of the World Cup. That scoreline was repeated again today, this time in women's field hockey. And again, the hosts lost. Seriously, what's next? The All Blacks losing the Bledisloe Cup, then the Rugby Championship, then the Rugby World Cup (not that anybody has ever successfully defended that)? But back to today's action: the women's Black Sticks have been crushed by Argentina 7-1 in their second Test in Gisborne today. The third world ranked side bounced back from yesterday's 1-nil loss to New Zealand in a rampant manner. Carla Rebecchi played a starring role up front, scoring four of her side's goals (the rest were scored by Delfina Merino, Martina Cavallero, and Gisele Yuarez) while the Kiwis could only muster one of their own through Kirsten Pearce. The Black Sticks now head south to Hastings tomorrow in preparation for the Hawke's Bay Cup which starts this weekend. New Zealand is joined by Argentina, Australia, China, USA, Korea, Japan, and India at the tournament, and they open their campaign against Japan on Saturday night. They better win this one and not choke at the end like the Black Caps did in Melbourne.

BAD IDEA OF THE WEEK: Being the Indian or Argentine field hockey teams right now

And that's because after the Black Caps lost the Cricket World Cup final and the All Whites a friendly against South Korea last week, things are looking up for New Zealand's bruised reputation in international sport. And that's because the Black Sticks have won - and I'm talking about both the men's and the women's field hockey (which sucks compared to the one on ice where they fight all the time) teams.

The men remain undefeated at the Sultan Azlan Shah Cup in Malaysia after a tight 2-1 win over India last night. After a goalless first half, captain Simon Child put the Kiwis on the scoreboard in the 38th minute after getting a feather touch on a hard shot at goal from Shay Neal. India responded with an equaliser just minutes later when Akashdeep Singh pounced on a penalty corner deflection to slip the ball through goalkeeper Devon Manchester's outstretched leg. But five minutes from fulltime, Andy Hayward delivered the winning blow with a powerful penalty corner flick into the left hand corner. Meanwhile, the women battled to a 1-0 victory against Argentina in Gisborne today. In a good old fashioned arm-wrestle, New Zealand were only able to break the deadlock in the 47th minute, when Olivia Merry deflected a crash ball from Petrea Webster (who was playing her 100th game for the Black Sticks) into the goal. The two meet again tomorrow, and I hope Argentina get a second helping of defeat.

My advice to both the countries we were up against is to just stick to cricket and soccer respectively. And even then, we'll find a way to beat them at those too.

Racing together at the Final Four

Wisconsin's Frank Kaminsky has brushed off the obscenity and racial slur that Kentucky guard Andrew Harrison directed at him during a postgame news conference at the Final Four. Harrison muttered 'F*** that n****' into a live microphone when another player was asked a question about Kaminsky after Kentucky lost 71-64 to the Badgers Saturday. The loss ruined the Wildcats' undefeated season; they finished 38-1. Harrison has since apologized for his comment. 'He reached out to me, we talked about it, [I'm] over it,' Kaminsky told reporters Saturday. 'Nothing needs to be made out of it.' I agree. As long as Harrison, who is black, was using it in its reclaimed sense, of course nothing more will need to be made out of it. But if Harrison were white, then he shouldn't have used that word, be it the one ending in -er or the one ending in -a.

Reds continue march back to the top

Manchester United claimed another important three points this morning in the race for the Barclays Premier League’s top four places, thanks to two goals from Ander Herrera and another from Wayne Rooney. Herrera put the Reds ahead two minutes before the break with a fine finish and Rooney fired in a superb second goal from Angel Di Maria’s cross. Christian Benteke instantly brought the visitors back into it, but Herrera sealed a fifth consecutive league victory for the Reds in injury time. Herrera’s first strike came at an important time for Louis van Gaal’s side, who had dominated in the Easter sunshine at Old Trafford but were in danger of being frustrated by Tim Sherwood's relegation-haunted side (Villa are 16th on the table and are just three points clear of the drop zone). Only one yellow card was shown, but what matters here is the three points that were earned at Old Trafford. Manchester United are now third, and provided Manchester City lose their upcoming game against Crystal Palace, it will stay that way.

40 years in, still not dead

On April 4th, 1975, Bill Gates and Paul Allen started a little company named Microsoft. You probably know the story from there: Gates went on to become the wealthiest man in the world, and then gradually pulled back from his company to focus on broad philanthropic efforts through the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. But Gates is far from finished at Microsoft; last year after Satya Nadella took over as CEO, Gates said he would be taking a bigger role at the company — using up to a third of his time to advise Microsoft employees on new products. Gates sent the following letter to Microsoft employees today to celebrate the company's 40th anniversary:

Tomorrow is a special day: Microsoft's 40th anniversary.

Early on, Paul Allen and I set the goal of a computer on every desk and in every home. It was a bold idea and a lot of people thought we were out of our minds to imagine it was possible. It is amazing to think about how far computing has come since then, and we can all be proud of the role Microsoft played in that revolution.

Today though, I am thinking much more about Microsoft's future than its past. I believe computing will evolve faster in the next 10 years than it ever has before. We already live in a multi-platform world, and computing will become even more pervasive. We are nearing the point where computers and robots will be able to see, move, and interact naturally, unlocking many new applications and empowering people even more.

Under Satya's leadership, Microsoft is better positioned than ever to lead these advances. We have the resources to drive and solve tough problems. We are engaged in every facet of modern computing and have the deepest commitment to research in the industry. In my role as technical advisor to Satya, I get to join product reviews and am impressed by the vision and talent I see. The result is evident in products like Cortana, Skype Translator, and HoloLens -- and those are just a few of the many innovations that are on the way.

In the coming years, Microsoft has the opportunity to reach even more people and organizations around the world. Technology is still out of reach for many people, because it is complex or expensive, or they simply do not have access. So I hope you will think about what you can do to make the power of technology accessible to everyone, to connect people to each other, and make personal computing available everywhere even as the very notion of what a PC delivers makes its way into all devices.

We have accomplished a lot together during our first 40 years and empowered countless businesses and people to realize their full potential. But what matters most now is what we do next. Thank you for helping make Microsoft a fantastic company now and for decades to come.

But who cares about that crap? Apple's where it's at for superior machines. If it's not an Apple, it's crapple.

Don't watch that show, that achy breaky show

CMT is joining the late-night fray and getting back into the scripted space. The Viacom-owned cable network has announced Thursday that it has ordered its first-ever nightly talk show, handing out a series pickup to The Josh Wolf Show, while also greenlighting four other new series including a scripted comedy starring Billy Ray Cyrus and unscripted series featuring Kellie Pickler and YouTube breakout Ed Bassmaster. Also returning to the country-themed network are new seasons of Party Down South and Party Down South 2 as well as Steve Austin's Broken Skull Challenge, all of which will join a lineup that will include American Speed: The True Story of NASCAR (narrated by Dale Earnhardt Jr.) and syndicated repeats of critical darling Friday Night Lights. Seriously, if you're into that crap, why? What do you see in that rubbish? The only one worth watching is the one with Billy Ray in it, and even then, it should only be watched to laugh at how stupid it is. His music is worse than a thousand Justin Biebers.

Ain't that a shot in the mug

Three Tennessee middle school students were suspended earlier this week after posting their teacher's mug shot on Instagram, prompting one mom to ask why an adult's legal troubles put her son in hot water. Shanna Richardson said her son, an eighth grade student at Highland Oaks Middle School in Memphis, was issued a three-day suspension with two other students for posting their teacher's mugshot to Instagram during class. The teacher, identified as Tiffany Jackson, was arrested earlier for driving with a suspended license. On Friday, a group of students posted the image and then Richardson's son re-posted it. It's public information, put it that way. You can see it on social media or you can see it in a magazine. Shelby County district officials, however, call the incident "inappropriate use of electronic media." The students were disciplined not for posting the photo but rather because they were using district computers to access inappropriate websites and content not related to the lessons that day. If that's the issue here, then why are students allowed to access "inappropriate" websites on district computers? Whoever is in charge of these computers should be fired, or at the very least disciplined, for letting the children access inappropriate content. Seems to me a much bigger offense than simply re-posting a public image of a criminal.

Kiwi sport continues its horrific downfall

The Bellend of the Month for March 2015 is the state of New Zealand teams in international sport. First, the Black Caps lost the Cricket World Cup final by seven wickets on Sunday. And just last night Korean time, the All Whites lost a match against South Korea (aka Korea Republic), final score was 1-0. If anything good comes out of this bad patch, it could be just the kick in the pants the All Blacks need to defend the Rugby World Cup later this year.

Now onto a more serious matter: we are already one quarter of the way into 2015, and there are still people who use floppy disks. When will you people get with the program? It’s called a flash drive and it can hold way more than just 1.44 megabytes – I have one that can fit 128 GB on it and is just over half as big as my thumb. For those of you that don’t have that luxury, here are some tips on how to keep your floppies floppying on long after you begin to rot in the cold hard ground:

1. Never leave floppies in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Floppies should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Floppies should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold floppies unless they do not fit into the drive. Big (5.25”) floppies may be folded and used in little (3.5”) drives.
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Floppies cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO floppies into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the floppies before inserting them into the drive.
6. Floppies should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
7. If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
8. Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9. Floppies may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the floppies dry before using. (see item 2 above)
10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11. Periodically spray floppies with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
12. You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to thaw them by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.
13. Little floppies must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.
14. You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command FORMAT /U, or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.
15. Floppies become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.
16. Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.