Death of another month

I did mention last month that today is to be the first awarding of a monthly Good Service Award. I don't have anybody in particular to award this to, so this month's award goes to everybody who is eligible.

But I do have a Bellend of the Month for September 2012, and it's Jason McCoy. It was reported early this month that the Colorado dad filed an obituary with a local newspaper, claiming that his son Seth "went with the Lord". He told the Post Independent in Glenwood Springs that Seth had died Aug. 8 in a Denver hospital, and even submitted an obituary for the boy on Aug. 30. But Seth is alive and well, and living with his mother, Jennifer Stretch of Arapahoe County. This is a stupid idea for a joke. There are parents whose children really have died. While not illegal, fake obituaries are just not cool, especially in a state where two months ago, a gunman shot at dozens of moviegoers during a midnight screening of the new Batman movie.

Three, four, glue the doors

Dozens of residents in a County Donegal housing estate have had the doors to their houses glued tight in an act of vandalism. Over 25 homes in Letterkenny were targeted, and those carrying out the attacks have also glued the locks on car doors and boots. One of the residents, John McGeever from Ballymacool Terrace in the town, said he believed industrial strength glue must have been used by the culprits. Seriously, people, this may seem like a good idea for a joke but this is not cool. One pensioner was locked in her house and she couldn't get out, so the neighbours had to break a glass door at the back to get her out. The bellends responsible probably thought it was funny but the Gardai (what the police are known as in Ireland) have now carried out forensics examinations. So next time, think before you joke.

WikiLeaker remains in limbo

Top diplomats from Ecuador and the United Kingdom failed to reach an agreement yesterday over the case of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, but they agreed to meet again to discuss the issue. "We still do not see, of course, an immediate solution, but we understand that there is a willingness to discuss the topic," Ecuadorian Foreign Minister Ricardo Patino told reporters after the meeting on the sidelines of the United Nations General Assembly in New York. Ecuador granted Assange asylum in August, but he faces arrest in Britain if he leaves the South American country's embassy in London. British Foreign Secretary William Hague told Patino yesterday "that the UK was under an obligation to extradite Mr. Assange to Sweden" and that "the concept of diplomatic asylum, while well-established in Latin America, did not feature in UK law," a spokesman for his office said. It's high time a solution was found to this because the sexual abuse allegations against Assange just are a ruse to get him somewhere where he would then be extradited to the United States. It is also time for the United States to cease its persecution of WikiLeaks, their people, and their alleged sources. And British authorities should reconsider the case, given Ecuador's granting of asylum and the right to not be extradited when politically motivated causes are involved. And speaking of motivation, money is a powerful motivator and improving patient adherence is a long-sought goal by the healthcare industry. A University of Pennsylvania Hospital System project to reduce Medicare costs in the long term has received $4.8 million to offer financial incentives for people recovering from a heart attack to take the full course of their medications. It is part of a remote-monitoring study to improve patient engagement beyond office visits and hospital stays. Dr. David Asch, who applied for the project funding with Dr. Kevin Volpp, both of the Penn Medicine Innovation Center, said: “We want to find new ways to help people stay on track with their care. So many of our health outcomes depend on what we do when we are at home or at work, and whether we take our medications, exercise, and follow healthy diets.” According to a Penn spokeswoman, this is how it will work: Patients enrolled in the new study will be assigned a two-digit number (say, 42). Each day, a staff person will randomly select a number between 00 and 99. If the patient's number comes up, they will receive $50. If they match one digit, they get $5. But they will only get the cash if they took their meds the day before. Their medication bottles, received at discharge, will send electronic signals that notify their doctor if they have taken their meds or not, so no cheating, OK? And speaking of cheating, a benefit cheat from south-west London who swindled a total of £25,572.81 in housing and council tax benefit has been given a five-month suspended prison sentence. Former Worcester Park resident and married father-of-two Wahid Jabeiti, 39, pleaded guilty to failing to declare a change in circumstances, at Croydon Crown Court on September 17. Mr Jabeiti had claimed that between 2006 and 2009 he had no income other than part-time earnings from a family business, a Mediterranean deli in Worcester Park High Street named Worcester Park Foods Ltd. But an 18-month investigation by Sutton Council Benefit Investigators discovered that Mr Jabeiti had a secret bank account and was regularly receiving funds which he spent at outlets including TK Maxx and Asda. Taking all that into account, I feel a five-month suspended sentence is too light. But at least he won't have to worry about dropping the soap for the time being.

Bad piggies causing trouble in Afghanistan

Millions of Afghan girls are now getting the education that their mothers couldn't. But as a result, the girls and their schools are often targets for violent attacks. Girls' education is also hamstrung by arranged marriages at an early age. Even worse is that for many girls in Afghanistan, the simple act of walking to school can be a life-threatening journey. "You close the door behind you, and you enter a war zone," said Nushin Arbabzadah, an American-based author and scholar who was raised in Afghanistan. There were at least 185 documented attacks on schools and hospitals in Afghanistan last year, according to the United Nations, and the majority of those attacks were attributed to armed groups opposed to educating females. Whoever the bellends responsible for the attacks are, if they're reading this, they should be aware that their behaviour is not on. But what is on is J.K. Rowling's first foray into fiction for adults. And thanks to her Harry Potter fame, her new novel, "The Casual Vacancy," is already a best-seller, even before its release today. But some parents worry that their children might expect another adventure at Hogwarts, which this book is not. "I'm dying to read 'The Casual Vacancy,'" said Kacy Faulconer, a 40-year-old mother of four kids ages 5 through 15. "But I'll have to read it first before I decide whether my kids can read it." But I won't be reading the paper version because that's just a waste of trees which could be used to clean all the CO2 out of the air and replace it with oxygen. But it's not all about oxygen tonight because Finnish mobile gaming developer Rovio has launched its latest title, Bad Piggies - a spin-off of its hugely popular game, Angry Birds. The company hopes its latest effort will prove that its 2009 hit, which has been downloaded over a billion times, was not a one-off. A more recent Rovio release, Amazing Alex, failed to sustain early success, but if Bad Piggies sells well, some analysts believe Rovio may float its stock as soon as next year.

The shoplifting list says it all

Staff on a Wellington commuter train this afternoon stopped the service to help a girl who was being bullied on the Johnsonville train bound for the city. When she went to get off at Raroa Station about 4pm, her bag was thrown on to the roof of a platform building. Staff got off the train to help the girl retrieve her bag, then moved on once she was deemed to be OK. That was actually a rather nice thing they did for the girl, and while we don't know the identity of the victim or the bullies, we do know that all Johnsonville train services were running about 10 minutes late tonight as a flow-on effect of the incident. Further north, a Hastings woman wrote a shopping-list of things she intended to steal on a shoplifting expedition to Masterton. The woman, Arana Maude Hawea, also stole in front of her daughter on two trips to a Hastings petrol station. On their second visit, the 10-year-old filled her pockets with chocolate bars while her mother took a block of cheese and a bottle of cream. Appearing in Hastings District Court yesterday, Hawea pleaded guilty to 13 charges of shoplifting. Hawea targeted Hastings shops during the past four months, taking seafood, rubbish bags, a butane torch, an extension lead, and a red hoodie. But most of the charges related to shoplifting in Masterton, where on August 31, she stole more than NZ$1100 worth of goods from six Masterton stores. This is just not on. Theft is wrong and she should be thrown in jail for it, something which unfortunately didn't happen to a 19-year-old teacher aide who sexually groomed a 12-year-old girl. The bellend, Kevin Dean McMillan, has been spared jail on the flimsy excuse that he would be "assaulted in a variety of ways". Instead, McMillan was sentenced to 18 months intensive supervision and 200 hours of community work by Judge Roy Wade at the Auckland District Court this afternoon.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Acne

But now, there seems to be a way to get rid of this curse. Scientists believe that a harmless virus that lives on our skin could be used as a treatment for acne. The virus, called a phage, is naturally built to target and kill bacteria that cause acne - Propionibacterium acnes. Experts at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and the University of Pittsburgh found 11 different versions of virus in this phage family that had this power. They plan lab work to see if they can harness it as a therapy, and I hope that something comes out of it. And speaking of coming (apologies in advance for the rude pun), Michael Kevin Lallana, who was convicted last February of two misdemeanor counts of battery for putting semen in a co-worker’s water bottle, will have his appeal heard on Thursday. In this case, the sentence handed down in April of last year (180 days behind bars and three years probation) has been on hold pending this appeal, and if he did in fact ejaculate in his co-worker's water, then he should be sent to jail and hopefully given a taste of his own medicine in the showers. And speaking of showers, a man from Kearney, Nebraska is behind bars for videotaping a woman who was taking a shower in his home. Anthony Quintana was sentenced to three months in jail for misdemeanor unlawful intrusion. He also was fined $500.

Reds take down party of ten

Manchester United registered a first victory at Anfield since 2007 despite a disjointed display, as a sensational goal from Rafael and Robin van Persie’s late penalty sealed a comeback win this morning over a 10-man Liverpool. Steven Gerrard had fired the hosts into a deserved lead in the opening minute of the second half, only for Rafael to quickly curl home an unstoppable finish to level matters, and van Persie crashed home the decisive penalty after Antonio Valencia had been fouled by Glen Johnson. Three yellow cards were dished out over the course of the match, as was a 39th-minute red card which was shown to Jonjo Shelvey for a two-footed lunge on Jonny Evans.

Where my tigers at?

A 25-year-old man will be charged with criminal trespassing for jumping out of a monorail car into the Bronx Zoo's tiger den because he wanted "to be one" with the animal, police said yesterday. And speaking of animals, Mitt Romney is off to Colorado, the first stop in what advisers call an "intense battleground state schedule" aimed at countering GOP criticism that his campaign is mismanaged and misdirected. Also in Colorado, three people wounded in the shooting that killed 12 people at Century 16 have filed lawsuits alleging the exit door the gunman used to exit then re-enter the building should have had an alarm. Two lawsuits were filed on Friday in U.S. District Court on behalf of Denise Traynom, Brandon Axelrod, and Joshua Nowlan. Their attorney, former Denver judge Christina Habas, declined to comment. A spokeswoman for Cinemark USA Inc also had no immediate comment. But if I was in charge, I would have snipers positioned in the front row during every session so that any copycats who attempt to open the emergency exits can be shot on sight, whether or not they're dressed as the Joker.

Floss that

Eleven inmates in a suburban New York jail have sued their prison for US$500 million and access to dental floss, saying they are losing their teeth. In a civil rights lawsuit filed on the 10th, the inmates say they are suffering cavities and pain because they are unable to floss. The lawsuit names as defendants Westchester County, Correction Commissioner Kevin Cherveko, the company contracted to handle inmates' health care, and two dentists. Deputy Correction Commissioner Justin Pruyne defended the ban, saying the floss can potentially be used a weapon. Santiago Gomez, the lead plaintiff, says other jails permit flossing. Several say in the complaint that they brush three times a day, "tongue and gums included," but still get cavities and suffer bleeding gums, constant dental work for temporary fillings, and mental anguish. This is not on. I think being in prison is punishment enough as it is, so the defendants in this case should at least look into providing a floss which would be appropriate for custodial situations.

Apple in the Maps game

The South Korean Navy fired warning shots to ward off North Korean fishing boats that were spotted south of the maritime border between the two countries, the South Korean Joint Chiefs of Staff said today. The North Korean vessels crossed back over the border, known as the Northern Limit Line, following the warning shots. But enough about that, because there's something else that people are taking a shot at: Apple's Maps app. The Washington Monument towers above the National Mall in Washington, directly between the U.S. Capitol to the east and the Lincoln Memorial to the west. But Apple seems to think it lies several hundred yards to the south, near the Potomac River. The mistake appears to be one of many in Apple's new mobile maps, which replaced Google Maps as the default map application in iOS 6, the new operating system for iPhones, iPads, and iPod Touches. Apple has faced a chorus of complaints since iOS 6 was made available for download on Wednesday, and the griping will likely grow louder as people get their hands on new iPhone 5s. But you must remember that this is Apple's first crack at a Maps app. It may be a huge downgrade from what Google were offering, but I'm sure Apple will get it right one day.

Starbucks to charge real bucks for soy

Lactose-intolerant Starbucks customers are up in arms after the chain revealed its revamped Gold Card rewards program will drop its free soymilk and syrup provisions. Yes, buried within an announcement touting how much easier it will be now for Gold Card members to earn a free drink or food — only 12 required purchases rather than 15 — comes the horrific revelation that soymilk is no longer on the house for card holders. Which, as Consumerist points out, is a little bit of a problem for people who are Gold Card members but cannot (or choose not to) consume dairy. These people are now renouncing their loyalty to Starbucks and declaring things like, "We are SHOCKED that this is ending," noting that one of the big benefits of the Gold Card program was not the free drinks but rather the exact soy and syrup provisions that have just been dropped. And it's not just the lactose-intolerant, but also wusses such as vegans who have hijacked the discussion thread of the Starbucks announcement with declarations like this gem:

Thanks Starbucks!!! LOVE THE NEW TAX ON VEGAN'S!!! The only good thing with the "NEW BENEFITS" is it saves me money, the money I USED TO SPEND AT STARBUCKS... i enjoyed it while it lasted!!!!- i have $8.30 left on my card after that my household will no longer be a customer of starbucks!!!!

The Gold Card rewards changes don't go into effect until October 16, so there's still time to protest. And protest I would at least consider, because at least one member of my household (well technically, it's not MY household) is lactose intolerant (clue: it's not me). But I won't protest this: the timeline for autonomous cars hitting the road en masse keeps getting closer. GM's Cadillac division expects to produce partially autonomous cars at a large scale by 2015, and the automaker also predicts it will have fully autonomous cars available by the end of the decade. Audi and BMW have also shown self-driving car concepts, with the former working with Stanford to pilot a modified TT up Pikes Peak. Meanwhile, Google is ripping along at its own rapid pace with a fleet of fully autonomous Toyota Prius hybrids that have logged over 300,000 miles. And the company has pushed through legislation that legalises self-driving cars in Nevada. California is close behind, and Google has also been busy lobbying joyriding lawmakers in Washington, D.C. And speaking of DC, the Joker (real name James Eagan Holmes) faces 10 additional charges. The court documents, which were filed an Tuesday, don't reveal the nature of the new charges. A spokesperson in the district attorney's office declined to spell them out, because of a gag order. The filings show that prosecutors also plan to amend 17 of the existing 142 charges against the former University of Colorado doctoral student, though the motions don't show what alterations they want to make. But I hope they give him the chair for such a senseless act in a place where people go to relax and be entertained without having to worry about bellends like him shooting up the place.

It's gays against gays

Gay actor Rupert Everett has caused an outcry with his comment that he "can't think of anything worse than being brought up by two gay dads". Everett made the statement in an interview with Britain's Sunday Times Magazine, where he also pointed out the comment was "just my opinion", and suggested there were too many children on the planet anyway. The 53-year-old actor, best known for his roles in Shakespeare in Love and My Best Friend's Wedding, is considered to have blazed a trail for gay actors when he came out as homosexual 20 years ago. So why slam your own kind? If there's anything worse than a homophobe, it's a self-hating homosexual. He of all people should not be making those homophobic and hypocritical statements. He's entitled to his opinion, but this is not the first time Everett has caused offence with his opinion. In 2008, he called soldiers "wimps" in The Sunday Telegraph newspaper despite his father being an army major. In other news, controversial former Springbok coach Peter de Villiers hasn't taken long to criticise the new set-up, labelling his successor Heyneke Meyer's South African squad "too white". With two wins, two draws, and two losses from his first six tests in charge, Meyer is under pressure to get the Boks firing for their home Rugby Championship tests against the Wallabies and All Blacks. He might be under pressure to change his mix of players too, if De Villiers' campaign gathers pace.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Picking on the allergic kid

Kids can find all kinds of creative reasons to harass one another. The latest? Peanut allergy. Doing something as seemingly insignificant as wearing the wrong shoes to school can get a kid subjected to hours of ridicule. According to a recent study, kids have discovered yet another issue to torment each other over: allergies. Recent research published in the Annals of Allergy, Asthma, & Immunology finds that more than a third of kids over age 5 with food allergies have been teased, taunted, or bullied. In more than half of these cases, kids were harassed or touched with the food allergen — incidents that fortunately didn’t trigger any real allergic reactions. It’s bad enough to be picked on, especially for something you can’t control like a peanut allergy, but to have a food you’re highly allergic to waved in your face or even rubbed on your skin is a terrifying way to add insult to injury. And I am aware of schools banning certain allergens just to protect one allergic kid, and this could exacerbate the bullying because the non-allergic kids will resent the policy and the kid that made it happen. I myself may have good reason to make that one student's life miserable, but I wouldn't lay a hand on them. My high school built its first wheelchair ramps in 2004 just to accommodate one disabled child, but I never thought badly of it.

All suited up and no place to go

Stuart Hersh, a U.S. citizen injured in a 1997 suicide bombing in Jerusalem, is claiming money from the Warwick New York Hotel, which will host Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for the upcoming annual U.N. assembly, the man's lawyer says. Hersh was in a mall when the Hamas terrorist organization carried out the attack. In 2003, a U.S. District Court awarded Hersh $12 million from the Iranian government, ruling it was responsible for supplying and training the suicide bombers. Hersh says he never received a cent from Iran, so Hersh has now filed a claim against the Warwick hoping to either collect the money that the Iranian government will pay the hotel for the Iranian president's stay, or be granted use of the rooms that Ahmadinejad and his entourage would use. I say give Hersh the rooms and let the Iranian president sleep in the subways like a homeless person. And I also say invite other terror victims to join him and max out room service on Iran's credit card.

Also going to court are the Hells Angels, protesting a federal policy barring the motorcycle club's foreign members from visiting the United States. In a complaint filed in federal court in Washington, the Hells Angels Motorcycle Corporation, as the group calls itself, said its designation as a "known criminal organisation" by the departments of Homeland Security and State violates immigration law and the group's constitutional rights. Lawyers for the Los Angeles-area-based group describe its membership as composed of loosely associated charters made up of motorcycle enthusiasts who have joined to ride motorcycles together and organise social events, fundraisers, parties, and motorcycle rallies. In other words, the Hells Angels are not a motorcycle gang. That label is best left to their supposed rivals, which go by names such as the Bandidos, the Outlaws, and the Pagans. Sure some of Hells Angels' members have been prosecuted for committing felonies including drug dealing, extortion, and other violent crimes, but as a group, the Hells Angels say that any crimes committed by its members have been done as individual acts and are not representative of the club as a whole.

Founded in 1948 in southern California, Hells Angels claim charters in 35 countries: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Chile, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, England, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Holland, Hungary, Iceland, Ireland, Italy, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Poland, Portugal, Russia, Spain, Switzerland, South Africa, Sweden, Turkey, the United States, and Wales. The group is asking for a temporary injunction, allowing foreign members to be granted visas to travel to the United States. In its lawsuit, the group claims the government routinely denies visas to all aliens based solely on their membership in a Hells Angels charter without further analysis into whether or not that individual seeks to enter the United States to engage solely, principally, or incidentally in unlawful activity. This discriminatory rubbish should be saved for real gangs.

Wigan wigged out by milestone trifecta

Three Man United players made milestone appearances for the Reds this morning at Old Trafford: Paul Scholes and Rio Ferdinand made their 700th and 400th United appearances respectively, while Ryan Giggs made his 600th Premier League outing. Scholes marked his 700th Reds game by scoring the opening goal. The other goals that brought the scoring to 4-0 were scored by Javier Hernandez, Alex Buettner, and Nick Powell. Four players (two from Man U and two from Wigan) were booked.

It's just a matter of font

In court papers, font size matters. The smaller the font, the more information an attorney can jam into a document. Trial judges and appellate courts sometime require attorneys to file papers using the same size, and type, of font. In South Carolina's closely watched dispute with the Justice Department over voter identification, the judges earlier this year told the attorneys to use 13-point Times New Roman font. Double-spaced. With one-inch margins. There wasn't any dispute about the font and size — until last Saturday. At that point, after DOJ and South Carolina traded briefs about the case, the federal government noticed something peculiar. South Carolina's "proposed findings of fact" papers, submitted by a team from Bancroft, had a 12-point font. But as long as they were consistent with the formatting throughout the document, I wouldn't recommend being so anal about the exact formatting used. In fact, Department of Justice lawyers had used a 12-point font in other court papers in the case. And if the smaller font was just a way to circumvent the 50-page limit, they should change the limit to a maximum number of words, and maybe then a smaller font size, along with single spacing and smaller margins, could be used in an attempt to save on paper.

The Duchess bares all

The Duchess of Cambridge is said to be "saddened" by claims from a French magazine that it is set to publish topless photographs of her, Royal officials said. The magazine, Closer, said the pictures were taken when Prince William and Catherine were on a romantic break last week. It claims it is ready to publish the images, which show the Duchess "topless on the terrace of a guest house in Luberon". I'm sure the Duchess has a lovely rack, but the pics in question had better not have been taken without their permission by paparazzi. And speaking of paparazzi, Justin Bieber assaulted a photographer in London today. With Justin, one thing's for sure - wherever he shows up, he's mobbed by fans and paparazzi. The fans, he can deal with. The paparazzi can be a major pain, however. Justin, who is in London, was so annoyed by the prying photographers, he started to push and shove them out of his way. Eyewitnesses claim that Justin was "actually grabbing paparazzi by their collars and literally throwing them out of the way. One photog was being pushed away by Bieber into the second paparazzi..." I think that not just for their targets' privacy but for their own safety, paparazzi should definitely have some limits. And speaking of limits, New York City's Board of Health voted yesterday to ban the sale of sugary drinks in containers larger than 16 ounces in restaurants and other venues, in a move meant to combat obesity and encourage residents to live healthier lifestyles. I'm sure there's going to be a lot of angry people and maybe a legal battle to hold up enforcement of such a stupid law, but the move is also expected to draw further protest from the soda industry and those concerned about government involvement in their personal choices. And while the ban will make it illegal to sell large-sized sugary drinks, it would remain perfectly legal to sell plenty of other beverages (like milkshakes) and foods (like ice cream) that pack far more calories per amount served as well as very high levels of fat, sodium, or other laboratory-engineered chemicals. And if Bloomberg's ban does go into effect, affected establishments such as fast food restaurants and cinemas can easily game such a totalitarian policy by offering a regularly portioned sugary drink that will likely come with free refills. And speaking of free stuff, University Health Services (UHS) will again offer free seasonal influenza immunisations (flu shots) for all registered students, faculty, and staff of the University of Wisconsin. Just like last year, student flu shot clinics will be held at separate locations and dates from UW-employee clinics.

Revenge of the Sixth

Apple has announced the latest version of the iPhone. The iPhone 5 looks similar to previous models but has a larger screen and is lighter and thinner than the iPhone 4S. The company says the larger screen will make it easier to check and send e-mails and to view Web pages with the phone in your hand. The phone also comes with a new, faster processor called the Apple A6; and it connects to mobile carriers with a 4G LTE connection, making for speedier Internet browsing. If that alone doesn't serve as a good middle finger to the Android-based competition, I don't know what will. But it doesn't stop there: the iPhone 5 is 18% thinner and 20% lighter than the current version, the iPhone 4S. It has a 4-inch screen, measured diagonally, compared to a 3.5-inch screen on previous versions of the phone. It is the same width as the iPhone 4S, but is taller than that phone; and the iPhone 5 is made entirely of glass and aluminium. Those features are likely to be popular with consumers. Another, however, may cause some backlash. The new iPhone comes with a different-sized charging cord, meaning speakers and radios designed to work with the old iPhone cord won't function seamlessly with the new iPhone. The company did create an adapter, however, so that the old devices aren't useless. Apple calls this new cord "lightning," and says it is 80% smaller than the previous iPhone cord. Those are all nice features, but that's still not it because Apple also announced an update to its mobile operating system, iOS 6, which accommodates the larger iPhone 5 screen. The new operating system adds another row of icons to the phone's home screen, includes a new version of digital maps, and has a feature called Passbook. Passbook lets people pull up airline tickets or payment apps from the locked home screen. Apple also unveiled a new line of iPods, including an iPod nano with a 2.5-inch touchscreen. That device, which starts at US$150, is able to pause live radio. And Apple updated its headphones, now called Earpods, to have better audio quality and a new look. In other tech news, the good news is that Windows XP is no longer the world's most popular desktop operating system. But the bad news is that Windows 7 is now the world's most popular desktop operating system, according to the August report from Net Applications. In August, Windows 7 had a 42.76% market share, a fraction of a point more than Windows XP's 42.52%. The much-maligned Windows Vista sits at third place with a 6.15% market share, followed by Mac OS X 10.7 and Mac OS X 10.6 with 2.45% and 2.38%, respectively. Seriously, people. Come on. Apple's system software is clearly better than Microsoft's crap. And speaking of brown objects, a new product has popped up on the black market in New Bedford, Massachusetts. It's called chocolate syrup, and it's selling in an unexpected place: Greater New Bedford Vocational-Technical High School, which has become ground zero for a new underground economy based on trade in the contraband liquid. Students say some of their peers are buying it for 50 cents and squeezing it into cartons of white milk to give it flavour. It's their way of coping with, and circumventing, a federal ban on flavoured milk — and a long list of other items — that went into effect at the beginning of last month. I don't see how Obama could let this happen. The nutritional difference between white milk and chocolate-, strawberry-, or coffee-flavoured milk is too minimal to have an important impact on health. I'd rather the schools started openly selling crack instead of worrying about stupid little things like nutrition.

Extreme Makeover: Indian Sedition

Aseem Trivedi, an Indian cartoonist charged with sedition over images critical of the government, has been released on bail. Trivedi had originally refused to seek bail and wanted the charges dropped, but changed his mind after receiving assurances from authorities that they would be reviewed. In comments after his release, televised from outside the jailhouse, the satirist vowed to continue his campaign against the country's colonial-era law on sedition. The law in question is section 124A of the Indian Penal (and no, I am NOT referring to penises) Code, which was introduced by the British colonial government in 1860. The law prohibits "words either spoken or written, or by signs or visible representation" that attempts to cause "hatred or contempt, or excites or attempts to excite disaffection," toward the government. Trivedi then thanked his supporters for rallying around him after his arrest triggered a debate over free speech in the world's largest democracy. But until that undemocratic and irrelevant law is repealed, a better option would be for him to head for a foreign embassy and seek asylum like Julian Assange did. And speaking of foreign embassies, the United States said it was taking measures to protect its citizens worldwide after protesters angry about an online film considered offensive to Islam attacked U.S. diplomatic compounds in Libya and Egypt yesterday, killing an American. In Cairo, several men scaled the walls of the U.S. Embassy and tore down its American flag, according to CNN producer Mohamed Fadel Fahmy, who was on the scene. And speaking of scenes, set photos were released today of Chris Hemsworth shooting a battle scene for Thor: The Dark World, set to be released on November 8 of next year, in Bourne Wood, England, where he is seen in a slightly altered God of Thunder armour.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: 9/11

Why? Because it was just horrible. Over 3000 people died as a result of al-Qaeda's stupidity, and it could've been more had one of the planes reached its target instead of crashing in a forest in Pennsylvania. Sure the death toll was only .05% that of the Holocaust, but it's still an unnecessary waste of life. So think before you shoot or stab or run over or whatever.

What hath Facebook wrought?

I'll tell you what it hath wrought: a promising A-level student stabbed to death after a quiet house party in England spiralled out of control when gatecrashers spotted an invite on Facebook. The 17-year-old, named Jay Whiston, collapsed after being stabbed in the stomach during an altercation over a mobile phone at the party in a quiet suburb of Colchester, in Essex. Partygoers described how the well-behaved teenage gathering, at which the host’s parents were present, descended into chaos as a large number of uninvited guests turned up and began to cause trouble. This is not the first time this has happened. In September of 2010, Rebecca Javeleau of Hertfordshire mistakenly posted her address and phone number on Facebook to publicise a birthday party, and ended up with 21,000 promised guests. And in February of 2010, now 17-year-old Rachel Ross "advertised" a small party for friends on Facebook but more than 50 people arrived and caused havoc. Furniture was smashed, drunk revellers urinated on children's beds, and some ceremonial swords used for decoration were ripped down and embedded in a wall. The damage was estimated at around £15,000. This is why I never post party invitations on Facebook. But then again, young people make stupid mistakes all the time. For instance, Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed recently that he went AWOL while serving in the Austrian military during the 1960s so that he could attend a bodybuilding competition in Germany. And 24-year-old Stephanie Partington, a former air hostess, was recently fined £110 with £85 costs and a £15 victim surcharge after being drunk on a flight from Dubai. She was breathalysed by airport police when the Emirates Boeing 777 landed at Birmingham International Airport on its return from Dubai on April 23 this year after fellow airline staff raised concerns about her behaviour. A blood test found 164mg of alcohol in 100ml of blood – twice the legal drink-drive limit of 80mg. She was eight times over the legal limit for flight attendants, which is just 20mg. The Liverpudlian was dismissed from the airline following the incident and is now on a Jobseeker's Allowance. Maybe this will be a learning experience for her.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? It's SUPER-CHURCH!

Anglicans in Christchurch are talking about sharing a cathedral with the Catholics, a move that would have worldwide ramifications. Rebuilding Christchurch's two wounded cathedrals into one unprecedented Anglican-Catholic super-cathedral is under discussion at top levels in the Anglican Church, and if given the green light, it would bring the Catholics and Anglicans together under the same cathedral roof for the first time in the world since the churches split in the 16th century. Not only that, it will be a great space-saver because you only have one building to worry about instead of two. But since Henry VIII split the two churches, the Catholics and Anglicans have developed some differences, including but not limited to:

• The Anglican Church rejected papal supremacy, and Henry VIII established himself as the head of that Church. Over time, however, the Anglican Church adopted a revised liturgy and became influenced briefly by Lutheran and then more lastingly by Calvinist doctrine.
• Women, homosexuals, and married men can be ordained as priests and bishops in the Anglican churches, but not in the Catholic ones.
• There are many nationwide Anglican churches, but only one Catholic church. Not only that, but their dioceses' boundaries are not necessarily coterminous.

Speaking of Chirstchurch's cathedrals, a date for the High Court hearing to halt the demolition of the Christ Church Cathedral has been set. Former Wigram MP and co-chairman of the Great Christchurch Buildings Trust (GCBT) Jim Anderton said the court would decide whether plans to demolish the cathedral breached legislation protecting church buildings on October 3 and 4.

Tower de Pants

From now until 2014, a new skyscraper will be built in China every five days, according to Chinese media. One in particular has received a lot of attention this week.

Gate to the East (pictured) is a 300-metre, 69-storey skyscraper under construction in Suzhou, a city of 10 million residents about 100 kilometres west of Shanghai. The construction has inspired a great deal of criticism and humour among mainland Internet users for its shape, which users say resembles a giant pair of thermal pants or jeans. But this is not the first pants-shaped tower to come from communist China. The 234-meter China Central Television headquarters in Beijing ignited controversy in China in 2009 for its resemblance to a pair of trousers. But the Gate to the East is definitely more explicit and vivid than the CCTV headquarters. It's an elongated and low-cut version.

And speaking of versions, Amazon unveiled more powerful versions of its Kindle Fire tablet on Thursday, including one nearly as large as the iPad but priced hundreds of dollars less, and a version of its e-reader that features a next-generation screen from E Ink Corp. But my advice would be to stick to the iPad because the Kindle Fire is bound to suck.

Back to Asia, where yesterday, a Pakistani judge granted bail to Rimsha, who is a 14-year-old Christian girl detained over accusations she burned pages of the Quran in a case that has heightened religious tensions in the volatile country. The All Pakistan Minorities Alliance, which represents religious minorities in the country, will pay the sum of roughly US$10,000 to secure Rimsha's release from jail, said Tahir Naveed Chaudhry, one of her lawyers and a leading member of the alliance. Because she is essentially an innocent girl with a lower than average IQ who was framed by a local cleric who planted evidence against her, Rimsha should, upon release, head to a foreign embassy and apply for asylum like Julian Assange did.

Literal dickhead rules today’s post

But first, let me explain why the blog has a pink background colour. It’s because I found out today that my sister’s baby (which I blogged about last month) is going to be a girl. The background will stay pink for two weeks, after which it will revert to green.

But now to today's prize: a new species of fish with a penis on its head (pictured) has been discovered in Vietnam. But it's not what you're picturing — actually it's probably worse. This penis includes a rod and a jagged hook used for grabbing the female during sex. The fish, Phallostethus cuulong, was discovered by researchers in Vietnam's Mekong Delta. It is the newest member of the Phallostethidae family, a group of fish with small, skinny, nearly transparent bodies that live in Southeast Asia, and which are distinguished by the location of their sex organs. And speaking of organs, the family of the California Highway Patrol officer killed during a traffic stop called him "our hero" yesterday while revealing that his final act of public service in donating his organs and body tissue could save as many as eight people and help 50 more. With that in mind, I am also considering organ donation.

The game shall change even more

Last week, Sony CEO Kazuo Hirai revealed the XBR-84X900, a 3D-capable Bravia TV with a very high 4K resolution of 3840x2160 pixels, at the IFA show in Berlin. Today, Sony has revealed that the price tag for this game-changing model will work out to roughly US$0.003 per pixel. Sounds cheap, but early adopters who want twice the resolution as ordinary HD TV will actually have to pay quite dearly for it. The US$25,000 price tag of Sony's massive XBR-84X900 obviously will deter ordinary buyers, but prices should drop over time as they have with HD, 3D, and flat-panel TVs in recent years. But the price of such an advanced piece of technology isn't the only thing. There's barely any video available that's shot in 4K, though there's a 4K YouTube channel, some movies and movie theaters are making the shift, and Sony's TV can upscale traditional 1080i HD video to 4K. And by some measurements, 4K resolution is too high to perceive unless you're sitting very close to the screen (which is bad for your eyes). So my advice would be to just hold off until the price goes down. And speaking of falling prices, robots are poised to make solar power systems even cheaper to set up. We all know that photovoltaic solar panels work best when they face the sun, and we all know that the sun moves (actually, the Earth rotates, causing the sun to appear to be moving). And it's straightforward enough to rig up computerised tracking systems to move them, but that siphons off some of the power the solar cells produce, it adds a lot of potential points of failure with moving parts for each panel, and there's also the expense of building racks strong enough to hold both the panels and the tracking mechanisms. But now, a company called QBotix has developed a way to adjust a field of solar panels to point at the sun without adding a drive mechanism for each panel. The firm's "QBotix Tracking System" consolidates all those drive mechanisms, and thus all those potential points of "moving parts" failure, into one small robot which moves through an array of dual-axis PV panels on a simple monorail, adjusting each panel in turn. And speaking of monorail, the 24th season of The Simpsons will be upon us later this month, and this season, fans in New Zealand will get to experience each episode within a week of its airing in America.

A game-changer of seminal proportions

Water buffalo breeding, an industry that actually uses artificial insemination, recently started using a new variant of the procedure. It is one in which the sex of the offspring can be chosen and it is called "Sexed Semen". But sexed semen is nothing new. It actually became a reality back in 1989, when Dr. Larry Johnson and his colleagues used a flow cytometer to sort spermatozoa and detect some differences in their DNA. The X-bearing (female) sperm are sorted off in one direction, the Y-bearing (male) sperm in another, and anything of undetermined sex passes straight through as waste. Since that time, this method that bio-technically separates the sperm has been applied to many farming species. And in water buffalo, this technique was investigated by Giorgio Antonio Presicce and his collaborators in 2005. But it had never actually been used for the water buffalo species until this year, when Colbufalos, a Colombian company dedicated to buffalo breeding, obtained the first successful results.

It's one thing when sexed semen is used on animals. But human couples who are after a specific gender for their next child could come (no pun intended) to view sexed semen as a real game-changer. And in countries like India and China, where there are already more boys born than girls, many parents who are given such an opportunity would be using it religiously to make sure they never have a daughter, thereby worsening the gender imbalance.

Speaking of game-changers, McDonald's, the fast food chain that brought the hamburger to the world, is opening what may be its first vegetarian-only restaurants. The world's biggest hamburger chain said yesterday that the locations in India will serve only vegetarian food because of customer preferences in the region. The company could not immediately say when the restaurants would open or how many there would be. And just when you thought Rovio couldn't milk any more games out of its wildly popular "Angry Birds" franchise, along comes a press release announcing a new game called "Bad Piggies" slated for release on the 27th. In this game, instead of playing as the Angry Birds fighting the egg-stealing Green Pigs, you get to play from the Green Pigs' perspective in what Rovio says is an entirely new type of game play without a slingshot in sight.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Salad

Why? Because it tastes like barf. And I now have even more reason not to like it: a Dunedin woman found a dead bird inside a Countdown supermarket salad mix last Wednesday night (New Zealand standard time), prompting an investigation by the chain. The woman, who chose not to be named, says the family ate from the salad for three days before discovering the 10cm bird, which was found intact inside a 300g Fresh Zone value family mix salad. This is not only disgusting but it also means that technically, the salad is no longer vegetarian. So I hope no vegetarians ate from that particular salad because that means that they may well have been eating leaves that have been touching dead animal flesh. And I hope whoever packed that salad has a pretty good explanation for this mishap.

Manager's thousandth ends in victory

Sir Alex Ferguson's 1000th league game as Man United's manager, which was played this morning against Southampton at St Mary's Stadium, ended in a 3-2 victory for Man United, who scored courtesy of a hat-trick by Robin van Persie. Southamptan's goals were scored by Rickie Lambert and Morgan Schneiderlin. The only yellow card went to Jos Hooiveld.

At least I didn't drink the water

Dozens of Mexican schoolchildren were hospitalised after apparently falling ill from a meal at their kindergarten on Friday. Specifically, at least 38 children ages four and five became sick after lunch, which consisted of chicken salad and homemade agua de horchata (a refreshing rice water drink), at a state-run school in San Luis Rio Colorado, which sits right on the border across from Yuma, Arizona. And because of the rice water, which officials suspect was responsible for the food poisoning, 15 children suddenly showed up at a local clinic with vomiting, diarrhoea, and fever. The number more than doubled before the day was over. Whoever prepared the food should at the very least be sent on a food safety course lest it happen again. This could've been a lot worse if one of the children died, which thankfully none have. In other news, pharmaceutical firm Gruenenthal apologised on Friday for the first time over its drug, thalidomide, which caused babies to be born with shorter arms and legs after their mothers took it to counter morning sickness during pregnancy in the 1950s and 1960s.

Wheeling and stealing

Handstands are a favourite pastime of little girls in the playground. But if you do one at Sydney's Drummoyne Public School, there are consequences. In the latest school newsletter, parents are told: “We have consulted the State schools' sports unit for policy advice and have been informed that such activities are prohibited unless under the specialised supervision of a trained gymnastics teacher with the correct equipment mats. These activities therefore cannot be condoned during lesson breaks.” But parents say that's ridiculous, and 250 of them have signed a petition. And besides, kids are always going to get hurt. You hurt yourself, you cry, you get back up, and you try it again. That's the nature of being a kid. And at least they're not stealing Pillow Pets like some bellend in southern California did. That's right, a Danny Ray Wright stole 3,500 of the popular animal-shaped toys from a warehouse in Oceanside and sold about one eighth of the ill-gotten haul on eBay. Wright pleaded guilty to grand theft and burglary and was sentenced on Tuesday to 15 days of community service and three years of probation. He was lucky to avoid jail time for such a stupid act. In other news, the Paralympic Games have begun on a golden note for New Zealand after swimmer Sophie Pascoe surged to a record-breaking victory in London. Pascoe, who won three golds at the Games in Beijing four years ago, opened her London campaign in dominant style by winning the women's 200m individual medley SM10 final.

Law beats tractor

Before I start today's post, I have an announcement to make: starting next month, I am adding a new feature to the final post each month. In addition to one or more people receiving an award for Bellend of the Month, I will award one business in my home town with a Good Service Award.

The Bellend of the Month for August 2012 is Roger Pion. He is a farmer in the US state of Vermont who was facing a minor drugs charge early this month. But he landed himself in more serious trouble after destroying vehicles parked outside the Orleans County Sheriff’s Department in Derby with his father’s tractor and then driving it toward downtown Newport, which is not far from the crime scene, before police stopped him. Authorities say he had been angry over a previous arrest for marijuana possession. During that arrest, police threw Pion to the ground, injuring him sufficiently that he was unresponsive, and then they called an ambulance. He was taken to a local hospital with a concussion. That was a bit more brutal than what would normally be called for during an arrest, but I would've filed a lawsuit against the police department instead of taking it out on seven police cruisers. But he was released last night (Eastern Daylight Time) and I hope he doesn't give the cops any more trouble.

It's just been revoked

More than 2,000 students potentially face deportation after a London university had its licence to teach and recruit overseas students revoked. London Metropolitan University has had its right to sponsor students from outside the EU revoked, and will no longer be allowed to authorise visas. Ministers say the university is not tracking course attendance and that many students have no right to be there. So basically, this means that two thousand students will have to find somewhere else to study or go back home. Elsewhere in London, the Paralympics is under way following a spectacular opening ceremony with the British team aiming to win a record 103 medals. And speaking of medals, the sheriff of Arizona's Maricopa County, Joe Arpaio, said yesterday in Tampa that the Obama administration should give him a medal for apprehending undocumented immigrants rather than investigating him for his methods. "I should be getting a medal. The president should invite me to the White House ... and thank me for helping the government fight illegal immigration and the drug cartels," Arpaio told members of the foreign press covering the Republican National Convention. I don't know whose side to take on this issue, but he should at least stop questioning Obama's birth certificate. We would've had the same issue with McCain, who was born in Panama.

Party of Three

Last week, a 19th century Spanish fresco was ruined after a good Samaritan attempted a DIY restoration of the artwork. That's right, three separate photographs of “Ecce Homo” by painter Elias Garcia Martinez show extensive damage caused by an elderly woman who decided the masterpiece needed a little refurbishment. But in a time of austerity, rather than calling in a professional to complete the job, the unnamed woman attempted to restore the mural herself – at a devastating cost. The result (pictured) was a botched repair where the intricate brush strokes of Martinez were replaced with a haphazard splattering of the octogenarian's paint. Years of carefully calculated depth of expression simply washed out by copious amounts of red and brown. But at least it looks better than when Mr. Bean attempted a similar amateur repair on a painting he sneezed on. Fast-forward to today, where a notary in the Brazilian state of Sao Paulo has sparked controversy by accepting a civil union between three people. Public Notary Claudia do Nascimento Domingues has said the man and two women should be entitled to family rights. She says there is nothing in the law to prevent such an arrangement. I agree. But the move has angered some religious groups, while one lawyer described it as absurd and totally illegal. And you know what I have to say to the union's detractors? Get a life. It's not like they're dressing up as the Joker and shooting up the local cinema.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Superbugs

And now there's a way to get rid of them. Vitamin B3 could be the new weapon in the fight against superbugs such as Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA). US experts have found that B3, also known as nicotinamide, boosts the ability of immune cells to kill Staphylococcus bacteria. B3 increases the numbers and efficacy of neutrophils, which are white blood cells that can kill and eat harmful bugs. The study, in the Journal of Clinical Investigation, could lead to a major change in treatment. But that will prove useless when there are reports of B3-resistant bugs. Bacteria will in time develop a resistance to current treatments and we will need newer and newer treatments if medical science is to stay on top of such nasties as Staphylococcus aureus.

NINE HUNDRED POSTS!

Jerry Nelson, the puppeteer and voice of Sesame Street's Count von Count, has died aged 78. For more than 40 years, Nelson worked on numerous projects featuring Jim Henson's Muppets, including the TV series Fraggle Rock. Nelson, who suffered from emphysema, died on Thursday in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Also dead is a South Korean law requiring citizens to use their real names on websites. The law in question has been struck down by a panel of judges in the country's Constitutional Court, who said the rule restricted freedom of speech and undermined democracy, which is essential so as not to turn South Korea into North Korea. The requirement was introduced in 2007 as part of efforts to tackle cyber-bullying. But in addition to the freedom of speech and democracy arguments, the judges said that many users had switched to overseas sites so they could continue to conceal their identity, putting local services at a disadvantage. There had also been complaints that the system had made it easier for cyber-criminals to commit identity theft. To sum it up, the Constitutional Court has made the right call.

One giant death to mankind

Neil Armstrong, the American astronaut who made "one giant leap for mankind" when he became the first man to walk on the moon, died yesterday at the age of 82. But what didn't die is Man United's chances of winning the Premiership. Man U's season is finally off and running, after the Reds came from behind to beat Fulham this morning at Old Trafford. Man United's goals were scored by Robin van Persie, Shinji Kagawa, and Rafael. Fulham scored courtesy of Damien Duff and an own goal by Nemanja Vidic. Brede Hangeland was shown the only yellow card in the match.

How's this for resolution?

A new high-resolution television format has been approved by the UN's communication standards setting agency. Broadcasts in 8K will offer a resolution of 7,680 by 4,320 pixels - roughly the equivalent of a 32 megapixel photo. That is 16 times as sharp as current HD TVs offering about 2MP resolutions. And speaking of resolution, foreign ministers from the American continents have urged Britain and Ecuador to peacefully end the stand-off over WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Assange, who is wanted in Sweden for questioning on sex allegations, has been granted political asylum by the South American country and spent the last two months holed up in its London embassy. The UK government has made it clear the Australian activist will be arrested and extradited if he steps outside the building after jumping bail. So he's stuck there until somebody can smuggle him into Ecuador, and I know a way they can do it: Assange can go to Sweden anyway, and an Ecuadorean diplomatic plane or helicopter can meet him there or in the States and take him to start a new life in Ecuador, whose president has said the diplomatic row could be ended tomorrow if Britain gave the activist safe passage to South America. Rafael Correa said: "This could end tomorrow if the UK grants safe passage, or it could go on for months and years if Mr Assange can't leave the embassy of Ecuador in London." And speaking of London, the Paralympics will be starting there on Wednesday. But the Olympic logo (pictured below in four colours and in a similar variation being used as the Paralympic logo) should've been one which doesn't look like Lisa Simpson giving somebody a blowjob.

Internet TVs and doping and the Joker, oh my!

Televisions were once a reprieve from the outside world, then they became a reprieve from the online world, and now they're turning into just another way to stay connected. In a new study published this week, research firm NPD revealed that 18 percent of consumers across 14 countries, including the U.S. and U.K., access Web-based services and media from their televisions. That figure includes both people connecting to the Web from their televisions, as well as through set-top boxes hooked up to their sets. But enough about that, because Lance Armstrong has announced he will stop fighting a barrage of drug charges from the US Anti-Doping Agency (USADA), putting at risk his unparalleled string of seven Tour de France titles and his legacy as one of the greatest sportsmen in history. Armstrong's declaration last night sets up a likely lifetime ban from the sport and the possibility that he will be stripped of his signature achievement – the extraordinary run of Tour titles he won from 1999 to 2005. If he did cheat his way to becoming such a legend, then he made the right choice in coming clean. But if he didn't, then by giving up the fight, the cancer survivor and 7-time Tour winner is just letting himself be trampled on. If it does turn out that his seven Tour victories were all lies, then I'm sure a lot of his fans will be crushed. In other news, the city of Aurora, Colorado is asking residents to weigh in on the future of Century 16, where a gunman killed 12 people last month. I think they should reopen, but that should be a decision best left to the community to make. And many who have shared their comments about the issue on the city's Facebook page have said Century 16 should reopen as a sign of the community's strength. One of them said closing the theatre would represent a victory for Mr. Holmes and inconvenience those who live nearby. Another resident commented that reopening the theatre would be a token of respect and remembrance to the people who lost their lives. Others have suggested converting the screening room where Holmes allegedly opened fire into a memorial (which could mean changing the cinema's name to Century 15) or turning the entire building into a free mental-health clinic. Others say the cinema, which sits in the parking lot of a struggling mall, should be torn down. "Raze it, leave a marker, and maybe build somewhere else," says one such post. "This theater [sic] and nearby mall have long been a blighted, unsafe area of the city."

Mich ado about nothing

When 5-year-old Cooper Barton wore a University of Michigan shirt to kindergarten in Oklahoma City, the principal asked him to turn it inside-out. Much to the surprise of his mother, the school district's dress code only allows university wear from schools in the state of Oklahoma. The dress code, adopted in 2005, was meant to deter gangs. Gangs? Gangs? I don't think a 5-year-old would even understand that. The district needs to re-evaluate this. I'd be mad if I were the kid's father. There was nothing offensive about that shirt. Sure the school board had a good reason, but I think they've taken it too far. And besides, if it was because it was a "gang" colour and he had to turn it inside-out, what colour did it become by doing that?

RIP Diller

That's right, Phyllis Diller is dead. But here's something to take our minds off this tragedy: a burger grown in a laboratory. Sounds like science-fiction? Well, up until very recently, it probably was. But now, the prospect of lab-grown meat appearing on supermarket shelves is closer than ever. Synthetic or test-tube meat involves taking a small amount of cells from a living animal and growing it into lumps of muscle tissue in the lab, which can then, in theory, be eaten as meat for human consumption. As well avoiding killing animals, scientists believe that this could help reduce the environmental impact of meat production. It will also allow people to eat the meat of endangered species, as well as animals that are seen as pets, with less controversy because the animals are not actually dying in the process. And maybe Soylent Green can become a reality without the main ingredient (people) getting killed in the process. But mostly, it will possibly become a necessary evil designed to feed starving African children.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT PART TWO: Everton

Everton are the bellends who are responsible for an early setback suffered by Manchester United this morning at Goodison Park. Everton played well, but all in all, they are bellends. The final score was 1-0 to Everton, with the goal being scored by Marouane Fellaini. Nani and Paul Scholes received yellow cards. This was a chastening experience for Sir Alex’s men and a reminder that life in the Barclays Premier League – even at Manchester United and especially when Everton are the opposition – is never easy.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT PART ONE: Everton

Before we begin, we are transitioning the Weekly Gross-Out feature to Tuesdays, hence this week's story being told in two parts.

Everton are complete bellends, as one should already know. Man United's first game of the season is against those nutjobs, and will be taking place at Goodison Park tonight at 8pm British Summer Time. The match will, as per this blog's in-house style, be reported in Part Two tomorrow as having taken place the following morning because all times mentioned are in New Zealand time (12 or 13 hours ahead of GMT depending on time of year) unless otherwise specified. I hope Man United will redeem themselves this season and win a twentieth Premiership title.

I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE SOON!

The photo is my sister's ultrasound. And no, I am NOT the father. And speaking of father, the Rev. Angel Armando Perez, a pastor at St. Luke Parish in Woodburn, Oregon, now faces a charge of sexual abuse involving a child. This has to stop. This sort of behaviour is giving the Catholic Church a bad name, and if the allegations are true, then that bellend will possibly go to prison where there is a chance that he will get what's coming to him in the showers. It's called karma. And speaking of karma, electric-car maker Fisker Automotive is recalling about 2,400 Karma sports sedans to fix cooling fans that can catch fire. The recall comes after Fisker and a private fire investigation firm finished probing a fire in a Karma in Woodside, California last week. The company said the probe found that the blaze started in front of the Karma's left front wheel where a cooling fan is located. Wiring in the fan failed and it overheated, causing the slow-burning fire. And speaking of fire, a 15-year-old New Jersey girl has been arrested on charges of arson and attempted murder, accused of setting her family's house on fire and trying to kill them. The girl faces two counts of aggravated arson and six counts of attempted murder in the 2 a.m. yesterday (Eastern Daylight Time) fire at the family's Clayton home in southwest New Jersey, the Gloucester County Prosecutor's Office said in a news release. This is just horrible and she should at least be made to realise that there are consequences for her actions. She will be lucky to avoid a spell in juvie.

Pussy Riot sentence could cause a real riot

The mother of a pregnant leukaemia patient who died after her chemotherapy was delayed over anti-abortion laws is accusing doctors of not putting her daughter's health first. The 16-year-old's plight attracted worldwide attention after she had to wait for chemotherapy because of an abortion ban in the Dominican Republic. Doctors were hesitant to give her chemotherapy because such treatment could terminate the pregnancy - a violation of the Dominican Constitution, which bans abortion. Some 20 days after she was admitted to the hospital, she finally started receiving treatment but she died yesterday. And so did any impression of free speech in post-Soviet Russia. That's right, three members of Russian female punk rock band Pussy Riot were sentenced to two years in prison yesterday after they were found guilty of hooliganism for performing a song critical of President Vladimir Putin in a church. The judge rejected the women's defense that they were acting from political motives, ruling that they had intended to insult the Russian Orthodox Church and undermine public order. This is indeed an attack on free speech, like the ones that the Russian people had had enough of in Soviet times. It puts a serious question mark over Russia's respect for international obligations of fair, transparent, and independent legal process. It also runs counter to Russia's international obligations as regards respect for freedom of expression. Everyone has the right to free speech, everywhere in the world. Pussy Riot should be released, or at the very least be granted asylum in Ecuador.

Assange has been granted asylum

And police in Central Otago are monitoring Facebook today after being tipped off to a fight being planned for this weekend by youths involved in a rugby match brawl a week ago. The plans are a result of continuing friction after a brawl broke out at a match between an Upper Clutha under-16 side and a Cromwell under-17 side at the Upper Clutha rugby grounds last Saturday. I am not surprised by this. People hold grudges all the time, but there are better ways of settling the score than putting others in the hospital. But if they do decide to fight, they'd better not dress up as the Joker - it's still too soon for that.

WikiLeaker about to be leaked into Ecuador... or Sweden

Today may be the 35th anniversary of Elvis Presley's passing, but we have some more serious issues to deal with: the UK has sent a letter to the Ecuadorian embassy in London warning that it would enter the compound if WikiLeaks’ founder Julian Assange, who is seeking asylum in the South American nation, is not handed over to local authorities, Ecuador’s Foreign Minister Ricardo Patino told reporters in Quito yesterday. Assange sought refuge in the embassy on June 19 after exhausting options in U.K. courts to avert extradition to Sweden, where he faces questioning on allegations of rape and sexual molestation. The 41-year-old Australian, first arrested in London in December 2010, breached the terms of his bail by staying at the Ecuadorean Embassy. Ecuador’s government will announce today whether it will give Assange asylum, and my guess is that Ecuador will take him in, maybe with him spending his final moments in Britain as a diplomat so the cops can't touch him. And speaking of hammer, the superintendent of a local board of education in Japan was hospitalised yesterday after he was attacked by a youth with a hammer, in the most extreme reaction yet to the town’s mishandling of a bullying case that has shocked the nation.

Coming to Ecuador... maybe

Ecuador could make a decision on the asylum request of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange as early as this week, President Rafael Correa said. Assange has been holed up inside the Ecuadorian Embassy in London since petitioning for asylum on June 19. He is seeking to avoid being sent to Sweden over claims of rape and sexual molestation, and he fears if he is extradited there, Swedish authorities could hand him over to the United States. It's taken eight weeks, but as long as he doesn't get sent to Sweden, everything will be fine. In other news, this is the best. Apartment. Ever. I want it. I WANT IT!!!

Here's some stuff for you to do now that the Olympics are over

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Doping

Doping is not cool. It gives athletes an unfair advantage and has been responsible for many an occasion where a drug cheat's national anthem has been played at a medal ceremony instead of that of a non-doper who was more deserving of the gold all along. And that, my friends, is why the International Olympic Committee has stripped American cyclist Tyler Hamilton of his 2004 gold due to doping and ordered him to return the medal that he won in the Athens Olympics. The IOC also ruled that the riders who finished behind Hamilton (i.e. all of them) in the individual time trial in Athens will now be moved up in placement. That means Ekimov Viatcheslav Ekimov of Russia will now get the gold medal, Bobby Julich of America will get the silver, and Michael Rogers of Australia will now get the bronze.

Let them smoke weed

With the intent of undermining the market for illegal drugs, Uruguay's government presented a bill to lawmakers that would legalise marijuana under a government monopoly. The government of President Jose Mujica has argued that the war on drugs has failed, and that separating the market for marijuana from the market for harder drugs will have social and health benefits. As well as the stated benefits, this could bring in some tax money for the Uruguayan government. In fact, everyone else should consider making pot legal for the tax money like they're doing with tobacco. Such a move will also eliminate a lot of the lawlessness associated with the drug, much of this being due to the fact that the drug is illegal to begin with. So on the whole, I think Uruguay are doing the right thing. And speaking of the right thing, a popular Indian yoga guru has fasted for a fourth day today and is threatening to expand his protest nationwide if the government doesn't act decisively to bring back billions of dollars of ill-gotten money that some Indians have allegedly stashed abroad. "If the prime minister fails to respond to my demand by Sunday evening, I will intensify the protest across the country in the form of a people's revolt," Baba Ramdev told thousands of cheering supporters at a sprawling fairground in New Delhi.

Who let the golds out?

The UN has called for an immediate suspension of government-mandated US ethanol production, adding to pressure on Barack Obama to address the food-versus-fuel debate in the run-up to presidential elections. Most US ethanol is made from corn. The dispute over ethanol promotion pits states such as Iowa that benefit from higher corn prices (and in some cases are swing states in the election) against livestock-raising states such as Texas that are helped by lower corn prices. But enough about that, because the Bahamas claimed a first track and field Olympic medal storming to gold in the 4x400m relay ahead of Team USA yesterday. Bahamas anchorman Ramon Miller ran an inspired final leg to overall America's Angelo Taylor and come home in a national record of two minutes 56.72 seconds. This will most certainly be one for the local history books, as will be Usain Bolt's successful defence of his 100m and 200m titles and 19-year-old Kirani James taking home Grenada's first Olympic gold a few days ago. And New Zealand has so far won 5 golds, 3 silvers, and 5 bronzes. Even though we haven't won as many as Australia, we're still ahead of North Korea.

The cokes are back in town

PepsiCo, one of the world's largest drinks makers, has announced plans to re-enter Burma as the country opens up its markets after various sanctions against it were lifted. It has signed an agreement with a Burmese firm to distribute Pepsi-Cola, 7-Up, and Mirinda brands in the country. PepsiCo, which pulled out of Burma in 1997, said it was also exploring the option of setting up production there. The firm's rival Coca-Cola has also announced plans to return to Burma after 60 years of absence due to US-imposed investment sanctions against the country. But the only thing I even care about here is that we have a choice between the two colas. I don't favour one brand over the other. Cola is cola no matter what brand it is. I'm on the fence when it comes to these "cola wars", so I'll leave it to the Burmese people to decide which brand they feel is better. In other news, Disney has confirmed that Joss Whedon will return to write and direct the sequel to The Avengers, which is now the third highest-grossing film of all time and the only one in the top three not to be directed by James Cameron. The news comes just weeks after the director told an audience at Comic-Con that he was undecided about whether he would return to the franchise. The sequel will be released in 2015.

Cameroon no longer cuts it for seven of its athletes

What began as rumour has finally turned out to be true. Seven Cameroonian athletes who participated at the 2012 London Olympic Games have disappeared from the Olympic Village. David Ojong, the head of the Cameroon delegation, said five boxers, a swimmer, and a female football player had been missing since the weekend. The reason for their disappearance is not known, amid some reports that they wanted to stay in the UK for economic reasons. If that's the case, I wish them well, but they should sort out citizenship or residency before their visas expire in November, otherwise they will have to leave unless they want immigration to come after them.

A reserve goalkeeper for the women's soccer team, Drusille Ngako, was the first to vanish. Her disappearance was followed by that of swimmer Paul Ekane Edingue, reportedly along with his personal belongings. The five boxers who disappeared were Thomas Essomba, Christian Donfack Adjoufack, Abdon Mewoli, Blaise Yepmou Mendouo, and Serge Ambomo. The home office said it could not comment on whether any of the seven had sought asylum in the UK.

In other news, Martin Fleischmann, the chemist who with Stanley Pons claimed in 1989 to have achieved "cold fusion", has died, and the EU is to hold urgent talks tomorrow over a diplomatic row between Belarus and Sweden, which followed a political stunt involving teddy bears with pro-democracy messages.

Too much for tea

The price of tea has jumped to a 2½-year high as poor crops strain supplies in some of the world's most important producers. Dry conditions, poor rains, and frosts are responsible for a hit to tea production in Kenya, the largest exporter of black tea. A bad monsoon has reduced production prospects in India and Sri Lanka, two other major exporters. The wholesale price of the highest quality black tea, known as broken pekoe 1 or BP1, has surged 41% higher since the start of the year, last month surpassing US$4 a kilo, a level seen only once before in late 2009, when prices reached US$5.45. The increase in prices will be felt the world over by drinkers of sweet brews in Cairo, milky cuppas in London, and iced tea in Los Angeles. Tea lovers in poorer countries are likely to feel the biggest impact, as retailers' margins are lower than in the west.

But that's nothing compared to this: an Australian newspaper found itself the focus of a 14-paragraph denouncement by the state-run North Korean media agency, KCNA. KCNA, known in full as the Korean Central News Agency, lashed out at mX, a free commuter paper in three Australian cities, calling it sordid, foolish, bullying, degrading, incompetent, pitiful, and rogue - among other things. So how did a paper that focuses on fun news, sport, and entertainment earn the verbal wrath of Pyongyang? Last week, the paper published the Olympics medal standing (pictured) and differentiated between South Korea and North Korea by calling them respectively "Nice Korea" and "Naughty Korea." I couldn't agree more. Kim Jong-un has only been Supreme Leader for almost eight months and he has already made some rather stupid mistakes in that time. A failed rocket launch in April wasted money that could have helped to feed the entire population for about nine or ten months. He'd better start playing ball or else there could be revolution.

ERMAHGERD CHERKERN

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Swatting

Swatting is a trend of prank calls involving an anonymous call made to get a team of police to storm a building or an innocent person's home, and it happened last week in LA when armed police stormed the home of pop star Miley Cyrus, who got engaged to Hunger Games star Liam Hemsworth in June, after receiving an emergency call about a possible kidnapping and shooting. The LAPD and rescue crews surrounded the former Hannah Montana star's house in Hollywood on Wednesday, while helicopters circled the property. But they soon discovered there was no one in the building. Swatting is a waste of police time and resources that could be used to deal with genuine incidents. But thankfully, police are tracking the bellend responsible, and if they're found, they will be prosecuted and could face up to a year in jail where their bad little butt will receive the long, hard probing that it deserves.

Cocker to end the cock-up

Jarvis Cocker, Pete Townshend, and other British musicians have called on the Russian President Vladimir Putin to ensure the members of Russian punk band Pussy Riot are given a fair trial in Moscow. Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Mariya Alekhina, and Yekaterina Samutsevich were taken into custody in February after singing a protest song against Putin in Moscow. In a letter to The Times, the musicians said the song was a legitimate protest and called on Putin, who is in London this week for the Olympics, to ensure they receive a fair hearing. In fact, Pussy Riot should be released because they've been locked up for too long and I don't really think they did anything wrong. It's not like they snuck into a movie theatre and shot people. And speaking of that, a controversial billboard comparing President Barack Obama with James Holmes has come down. The electronic billboard featured a photo of Holmes with the words "Kills 12 in a movie theater [sic] with assault rifle, everyone freaks out" next to a photo of Obama with the words "Kills thousands with foreign policy, wins Nobel Peace Prize." Seriously, come on, people. Even if Romney does somehow pull his weight in the White House, this attack on Obama was a bit below the belt. He should not be compared to someone who faces the death penalty for his stupidity.

Spray me some skin

A "spray-on skin" which coats a wound with a layer of skin cells could help healing, according to US and Canadian researchers. The spray was tested on 228 people with leg ulcers, which are painful open wounds that can last for months. The findings, published in the Lancet, showed that ulcers that have been treated with the spray were more likely to heal and did so more quickly. This new finding shows that medical science is at least getting somewhere, considering leg ulcers are hard to treat. The best treatment, compression bandages, will heal only about 70% of ulcers after six months. Other options include taking skin from elsewhere on the body and grafting it over the wound. But instead of all that, the spray puts a coating of donated skin cells and blood-clotting proteins over the ulcer. This has the potential to vastly improve recovery times and overall recovery from leg ulcers, without any need for a skin graft. This means not only that the patient doesn't acquire a new wound where the graft is taken from, but also that the spray-on solution can be available as soon as it is needed. In contrast, skin grafts take a certain amount of time to prepare, which exposes the patient to further discomfort and risk of infection. In other news, award-winning Romanian pianist (NOT penis) Mihaela Ursuleasa has died at the age of 33. The international musician was found dead in her apartment in Vienna, where she had lived since studying in the Austrian capital.

Cheap but still cancerous

After decades of progress toward their goal of preventing smoking-related illness and death, public health officials said yesterday that they're seeing a worrisome new trend: smokers are switching from high-priced cigarettes to cheaper, but equally dangerous, small cigars. While cigarette consumption declined 33% from 2000 to 2011, use of other kinds of tobacco grew by 123%, as smokers sought lower-cost alternatives to cigarettes, whose prices have risen sharply as a growing number of states raise taxes on them, according to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Also, overall declines in smoked-tobacco consumption are grinding to a halt, with less than a 1% decrease in use from 2010 to 2011. This is very worrying news indeed, because of all the efforts to get people off that filthy habit. It's high time for tax hikes on these newly popular little cigars, which are basically plumped up cigarettes. Their slightly larger size nudges them over the edge into a different tax category, allowing them to sell for as little as US$0.07 each (US$1.40 for a pack of 20). This is still more expensive than not taking up smoking to begin with, but in most states, a pack of cigarettes can sell for about 3 times as much. I'm sure governments can milk more tax revenue from the small cigars, which are especially appealing to minors because of the lower cost, and also because they come in a variety of flavours such as grape, vanilla, and chocolate. It's bad enough when adults are lighting up, but when children are hooked, you can tell there has been corruption of innocent minds by those greedy fat-cats whose only purpose in life is to make money from their poison.

One sandwich, hold the needle

A passenger on an Air Canada flight found a sewing needle in a catered sandwich during a flight on Monday. Peter Fitzpatrick, a spokesman for Air Canada, said the following day that the airline is working closely with its caterer, which he didn't name, to ensure heightened security measures have been put in place. But it's too late for this particular flight because the mounties are now investigating the incident, which occurred on a flight from Victoria (host city of the 1994 Commonwealth Games) to Toronto. This incident is similar to reports of needles which were found in six sandwiches on Delta flights from Amsterdam to the United States two weeks ago. See a pattern here? I do, and this whole thing is why people shouldn't trust airline food. There is always going to be a problem with the sandwiches. It could be sewing needles in one sandwich, live maggots in another, or even semen - it is possible that someone at some point in the chain may have been jacking off on company time.

Gore's out

Not Al Gore. I'm talking about Gore Vidal. That's right, the celebrated writer and political commentator died last night (Pacific Daylight Time) aged 86. Gore Vidal, who wrote 25 novels (including the best-selling Burr and Myra Breckenridge), more than 200 essays, and several plays, died at his home in Los Angeles, with the cause of death believed to be complications from pneumonia. I'm sure he will be missed. Meanwhile, on the other side of the Atlantic, China's Olympic sports delegation has begun an investigation into allegations two badminton players threw (deliberately lost) their match. Doubles players Yu Yang and Wang Xiaoli are among eight players charged by the Badminton World Federation (BWF) with "not using one's best efforts to win". The other six are four players from South Korea and two from Indonesia, and all eight are either chicken or involved in match-fixing. If the latter turns out to be the case, then those eight should all go to jail. Match-fixing is sometimes used to fund organised crime, and along with steroids, it just takes the fairness and unpredictability out of sport. Just like the racist tweet that got a triple-jumper booted off the Greek delegation, match-fixing is also against Olympic ideals. And speaking of Olympic ideals, Great Britain striker Craig Bellamy has called for the national anthem to be respected when they play Uruguay at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium. God Save the Queen was booed before England played football against Wales at the stadium in March 2011. Bellamy (along with fellow Welshmen Ryan Giggs, Joe Allen, Aaron Ramsey, and Neil Taylor) has not sung the anthem while playing in the Olympics so far, but Bellamy said there is no need for non-English supporters to boo it.

And at the end, a ring swallower

The Bellend of the Month for July 2012 is Angela Winters Hardman. She was charged with theft earlier this month after an incident in May where she swallowed a US$4,000 diamond ring at a Salt Lake City department store before pawning it for US$600 when it passed through her system. This is one of the sneakiest ways I know to steal stuff, but at least she was caught on camera swallowing the ring then switching it with a bogus ring. Theft is theft and I hope they send her to jail for it. But at least she didn't dress up as the Joker and shoot up the store.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Baby snatching

Ann Pettway, a woman who snatched a newborn baby from a New York City hospital more than two decades ago and raised her as her own, will be sentenced today at 2:30pm (Eastern Daylight Time). Pettway, who pleaded guilty to a kidnapping charge in February, will learn her fate from a Manhattan federal court judge. During her February court appearance, she offered details of the 1987 kidnapping. She said she took a train from her Connecticut home to Harlem Hospital, where she scooped up 3-week-old Carlina White, who had been brought to the emergency room by her parents. Snatching babies is just wrong. Even if you can't get pregnant, even if you want revenge against the child's parents for something they did to you several years ago, even if you believe you will be a better parent than the child's birth parents, it is still kidnapping and no parent should ever have to suffer this misfortune. But at least Carlina eventually found, and got to spend time with, her real mother.

Unborn goes to the Joker

Ashley Moser, a pregnant Colorado woman who took a bullet to the stomach and lost her 6-year-old daughter Veronica in the “Dark Knight” rampage, has suffered a second tragedy: the death of her unborn child. But there's been another gunman on the prowl: Daryl Benway of Oxford, Massachusetts. Yesterday, he drove to his wife’s home and shot his 7-year-old daughter, Abigail, killing her. He also fired on his 9-year-old son, Owen, but he survived. Benway then took his own life. His wife found out about the horrific crime when she returned home to find police cruisers and television crews around her house. Seriously, everyone, America does not need more gunmen. Guns are a good deterrent but when abused, they just cause problems like what happened in Colorado last week. In other news, a 45-year-old man, who Oklahoma City police arrested last month on charges of panhandling, says he makes US$60,000 a year begging for money. How's that for "not a real job"?

What a Joker

A 28-year-old Maryland man named Neil Prescott repeatedly threatened to "blow everybody up" at his former workplace and called himself a "joker," in what is believed to be a reference to last week's mass shooting during a midnight screening of the latest Batman movie in Aurora, Colorado. Prescott reportedly called a colleague, who worked with him at mail services supplier Pitney Bowes, on Monday and repeatedly said, "I am a joker; I'm going to load my guns," according to a search warrant application. He also said he wanted to "see the supervisor's brain splatter all over the sidewalk," according to court records. The colleague, who knew of Prescott's gun collection, alerted police. Prescott had an arsenal of guns, though it wasn't clear how serious he was about the threats he had made to his boss over the telephone. It also wasn't immediately clear when the threat was to be carried out (if ever), but last week's mass shooting during the latest Batman movie — coupled with the "Joker" reference — put police on edge and gave the comments extra urgency. Though there's no other indication of a link to the Colorado shooting, police believe the joker comments were a clear reference to the killings, for which the bellend involved, James Holmes, could be executed. Prescott clearly picked the wrong time to be making such threats, especially when references to the Joker come into play. Families who have lost loved ones are still grieving. This is one of the few times where a Holocaust joke would've been in much better taste. But speaking of movie-theatre shootings, Warner Bros. is rethinking its plans for the film "Gangster Squad" in light of a scene featuring a movie-theatre shooting, but beyond that, Hollywood executives expect little fall-out from the Batman shootings. Officials at Warner Bros. are expected to meet on Monday to discuss whether to remove or edit the "Gangster Squad" shooting scene, or to change the September 7 release date for the film starring Sean Penn and Ryan Gosling, according to a person familiar with the discussions.

The Olympics are officially underway

And so is chemotherapy for a pregnant leukemia patient in the Dominican Republic. Her life was at risk because anti-abortion laws in the Dominican Republic prevented doctors from treating her, but she has started receiving chemo. But instead of breaking laws that I don't really agree with, they could've flown her to nearby Puerto Rico (a territory of the USA) and given her chemo there. It doesn't matter now because she's receiving the chemo, and the treatment should continue because laws against abortion shouldn't be construed as preventing the mother from receiving possibly life-saving treatment. In fact, said laws shouldn't exist, and neither should this: security researchers have discovered a way to replicate a person's eye to bypass iris-scanning security systems. A team at the Universidad Autonoma de Madrid was able to recreate the image of an iris from digital codes of real irises stored in security databases. This new finding raises doubts over what is considered to be one of the most secure methods of biometric security.

2012 already turning into chaos

That's right, 2012 is upon us, and the Olympics have already gone south in at least two ways: first off, the North Korean women's soccer team's game against Colombia had to be delayed by just over an hour because of an incident where South Korea's flag was displayed on a jumbotron in Hampden Park. Second, a Greek triple jumper named Voula Papachristou was expelled from the Olympics after she posted a racist joke on Twitter. The tweets mocked African migrants and expressed support for a far-right political party. An offending message – which was referring to reports of mosquitoes carrying the West Nile virus in her home country – read: ‘With so many Africans in Greece, at least the West Nile mosquitoes will eat home made food!’ I don't know about you, but I think she deserved to be kicked out. That tweet was not only offensive but contrary to Olympic values and ideals, and is just as bad as when Gwyneth Paltrow tweeted the N word while quoting a song title. The Olympic teams - not just Greece, but every other nation - are not just here to get medals but to promote the Olympic ideals and show their character. But I hope she improves her conduct so she has a chance of being selected for the 2016 games in Rio.

Let's wing this one

McDonald’s customers love their chicken served small, in quick-delivery format such as McNuggets and McBites. Which may make their newest test - deep-fried chicken wings - such a no-brainer. Several McDonald’s restaurants in Atlanta, Georgia are testing out the so-called Mighty Wings, which the chain served across the U.S. in the 1990s and has recently offered in Australia and Spain. But according to Danya Proud, a spokeswoman for the fast-food giant, “There are no plans to roll these out nationally.” But they may want to reconsider bringing its wings to other states. A current culinary trend toward snacking and street food as well as dining value is making chicken wings a hot commodity. In fact, McDonald's should bring Mighty Wings to New Zealand, or at least a variation on KFC's Double Down with two all-beef patties replacing the chicken. In other news, Ashton Kutcher made headlines on Monday after paparazzi caught him snuggling with former “That '70s Show” costar Mila Kunis at a party in Hollywood, and Christian Bale has made a surprise visit to the victims of last week's shooting in Colorado.

He did start the fire

In the fourth episode of Summer Heights High, Jonah Takalua falsely accused his father of touching his genitals in order to avoid an assignment for a class he didn't like (to see it, click here and watch from about 4 mins 15 secs into the video). However, that cowardly act is nowhere near as cowardly as this: a civilian employee set fire to a nuclear-powered submarine because he had anxiety and wanted to get out of work early, Navy investigators said in a complaint filed yesterday. Casey James Fury of Portsmouth, New Hampshire, faces up to life in prison if convicted of two counts of arson in the fire aboard the USS Miami attack submarine while it was in dry dock on May 23 and a second blaze outside the sub on June 16. Fury was taking medications for anxiety and depression, and he told investigators he set the fires so he could get out of work, according a seven-page affidavit filed yesterday in a District Court in Portland (the one in Maine, not the one in Oregon that was almost called Boston). The first fire alone took more than 12 hours to extinguish and caused an estimated US$400 million in damage. This is by far the worst thing anybody has ever done to get out of an undesired task. That bellend should go to prison for what he did. In other news, Sally Ride, who was the first American woman in space, died yesterday at the age of 61 after losing her battle with pancreatic cancer. Her first flight, in 1983 aboard the Challenger, came two decades after the Soviets sent a woman named Valentina Tereshkova into space.