Have a safe and happy 2011

But first, let's honour our Bellend of the Month: Roman Vintoniv (left). He is a Ukrainian TV journalist who was conducting interviews in the Verkhovna Rada (parliament) one day this month dressed in a bunny suit. The reason for the bunny suit was to protest the recent farcical behaviour from MP's in the former Soviet state, and his take on the “farcical behaviour” was that “if the Verkhovna Rada is turning into a circus, then this needs to be officially acknowledged and people need to dress appropriately”. That may be the case, given that there was a brawl between legislators the previous week, but Easter’s not until April. And besides, his appearance that day was completely unprofessional, and the only reason that bellend didn’t get kicked out was because there was no official dress code. There should always be an official dress code, and next time, the legislative violence should be confined to Taiwan. Again, have a safe and happy 2011.

It ain't too taxing... for now

The Government is introducing another tax hike on tobacco on Saturday - another 10% will be added to the cost of one of the filthiest habits known to man, and it's a good thing because cigarette smoke smells bad, cigarette butts are a major littering problem, and smoking is bad for your health. But if the Government are just allowing it for the tax revenue, they can get a good enough stream by putting taxes on solvents like glue or paint (which some bellends sniff), or taxing junk food, or bringing back smokeless tobacco (the tobacco will still be there but the smoke won't), or legalising (and remembering to put the taxes on) marijuana or cocaine or some other illegal drug. Or maybe they could put taxes on foreign music (and perhaps make the tax a bit higher for Australian music) to bring in a tax stream and promote New Zealand artists.

Draw at Saint Andrew's

Manchester United drew their away game against Birmingham at St Andrew's Stadium; the score was 1-1 at the final whistle. Man U's goal was scored by Dimitar Berbatov and Birmingham's goal was scored by a super-bellend named Lee Bowyer. The yellow cards were also split evenly with 3 apiece.

Man United creamed Sunderland

And can it be made any more obvious? Yes it can. The final score at Old Trafford was 2-0, with Dimitar Berbatov scoring both goals; moreover, two bellends from Sunderland got booked. Birmingham will be Man U's next scalp tomorrow morning. And if you're wondering about the match scheduled against Chelsea, that's now going to be played in March, when the weather over there is a bit better.

It's the silly season and I can't find anything to write about

But I hope Santa gave you lots of good presents.

Can't Comedy Central tell the difference between Thanksgiving and Christmas?

Right now, I'm watching a marathon of South Park Christmas specials I taped this afternoon. The first episode was the Thanksgiving special I commented on in April (the one where Kyle was seen eating a ham despite pork not being kosher) and that was well outside of the spirit of the season. Although the Thanksgiving episode was quite funny with Cartman being shipped off to Africa by mistake, Thanksgiving was a whole month ago and it isn't a very well-known holiday (or a very relevant one for that matter) outside of America. I don't mind a Hanukkah or Kwanzaa special thrown in among several Christmas episodes, but Thanksgiving isn't really in the same family of holidays and is mostly disregarded outside of North America, so I don't really see the point.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I hope Santa brings you lots of presents, and especially for the one-fifth of the British population that I commented on a few weeks ago, I hope the huge bust-up you were expecting was just something that you saw on EastEnders and didn't actually happen in real life. And I hope you're judging people on the content of their character because Martin Luther King Day is coming up in three weeks, and he didn't give his life just so you can run your racist mouth at some black guy and refer to him as that nasty, horrible word beginning with N. And I hope everyone stays in my good books in 2011. Once again, merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, or whatever it is you celebrate at this time of year.

Santa's not coming to various people who shall not be named

Today, I saw the movie Somewhere. It was a good movie with two rather nasty gripes: first off, I would like to point the finger at the protagonist who was not only smoking in various scenes, but in one scene set in Vegas, he took his 11-year-old daughter to a craps table at a casino. People should not be bringing their children into casinos. Problem gambling is a bad enough issue without children doing it. Also, some blame shall be assigned to the Office of Film and Literature Classification, who didn't rate the film responsibly. I don't mind gambling or violence or low levels of offensive language in an M-rated film, but if there's going to be smoking or alcohol (or casino gambling with a minor at the table) depicted in the film, then it needs to be restricted - M isn't enough because children can still get in. I'd recommend Meet the Parents: Little Fockers instead. I haven't seen it yet, but it should be focking great.

Trouble brewing in Belarus

Seven of the candidates who ran against Lukashenko in the recent election could face up to 15 years in prison. This is about as bad as what passes in Belarus for democracy gets. Lukashenko needs to either shape up or ship out because his human rights record over the last 16 years is atrocious. A foreign power needs to step in as soon as possible - even if it means something like the United States declaring war on the former Soviet republic, something needs to be done. It's a wonder nobody has used their common sense and actually done something about Lukashenko. He is a heartless scumbag and he needs to go.

I'm pretty offended by the pixellated face

This is one of the bellends I mentioned a few days ago. They currently have name suppression, which should NEVER be given out when a case of child abuse (especially considering that there are 36 charges all up) is suspected. In fact, given the egregious conduct against their 9-year-old daughter (assault on the girl with a machete, hammer, vacuum cleaner pipe, and broomstick; kicking her in the vaginal area while wearing work boots; tearing off her toenail; pouring salt on her bleeding toe; writing abusive comments on her body; immersing her in a hot bath in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering; making her stand for prolonged periods in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering; denying her medical treatment; and withholding food) and their 7-year-old son (assaulting him by strangling him and dragging him around by his neck, and assaulting him with an unknown object), the Government should bring back the death penalty but because the Government are a bunch of pussies, all we can hope for is that those bellends never get to see their children again.

And now he's locked up for real

A bellend who faked a life as an ex-prisoner of war will spend the next six months in jail for fraudulently claiming almost A$700,000 in veterans' pensions. His fraud showed scant regard to the real POWs and to the memory of those killed at the hands of their captors. This wasn't on the same level as the Holocaust scam I mentioned a couple of months ago, but that doesn't make it any more acceptable. His bogus story started back in the 60s when he met a bunch of real POWs at a country pub in South Australia, and had been able to keep it up for so long that he had begun to believe his own story. But now, the truth has been exposed and that bellend now has an opportunity to have a long, hard think about his actions.

Lukashenko rigged the election AGAIN!

Alexander Lukashenko has rigged yet another election. I can tell the election is rigged because it was reported that Lukashenko won almost four-fifths of the vote and the next one down (out of nine) only got one-fortieth. This election is a sham and there is actually a good reason why Belarus is the last dictatorship in Europe: the only way that that douche will step down is if he is dead - that's how the people of Romania got rid of Nicolae Ceausescu. Sometimes, it takes force to remove tyrants from power.

There'll be extra sea men on America's poop decks

Now might not be the best time for gay jokes but Obama has managed to get Congress to repeal the 17-year ban on openly gay people serving in the armed forces. This means there will be more soldiers to do their country proud, and a soldier can now come out without risking being discharged. This means there will be more people eligible to fight now-pointless wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and there will be more soldiers to overrun North Korea's communist overlords. This means America will have a stronger air force, army, National Guard, and yes, a stronger navy. If you have a problem with openly gay people serving in the military, then don't serve.

Why did CYFS return the kid to those bellends?

Police and social workers are appalled at the alleged abuse of a nine-year-old girl whose body was covered in bruises when she was found hiding in a wardrobe in a west Auckland house. Social workers said in court documents that the nine-year-old, who was removed from her parents by CYFS soon after she was born and returned to them two years ago, had been abused so badly that almost every part of her body was covered in injuries, including part of her scalp torn off her head as she was dragged down the hall. There is a whole variety of charges against both parents, which should be a wake-up call to all parents everywhere: CHILD ABUSE DOESN'T PAY. Believe me, the girl was a lot safer in a medieval torture room than with two bellends who should never be allowed to see their daughter again.

Greenland left the EU, so why not Ireland?

The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that Ireland's constitutional ban on abortion violates a pregnant woman's right to receive proper medical care in life-threatening cases. The reason for the ban may have been to appease the country's Catholic majority but if Ireland wants to stay in the European Union, they need to follow the EU's rules. Ireland has resisted extending abortion rights to women whose pregnancies represent a potentially fatal threat to their own health despite a 1992 judgment from the Irish Supreme Court that said Ireland should provide abortions in cases where a woman's life is endangered - including, controversially, by her own threats to commit suicide. In fact, those huckaleros in the Dail seriously need to consider some massive reforms because apparently, the abortion doctor and the patient can both be charged with murder if the abortion was deemed not medically necessary. That is stupid because personhood isn't achieved until you've left your mother's uterus, and unborn foetuses don't count as people and therefore cannot be murdered.

Would you like WiFi with that?

McDonald's has just become the largest free internet provider in New Zealand with the company today announcing free WiFi in nearly all its restaurants nationwide. But wait a minute: a fast food restaurant competing with the WiFi that Starbucks has? Actually, Maccas will give the likes of Starbucks a run for their money because at Starbucks, you have to pay for the WiFi. Sometimes I like to go to places just for the free WiFi, and if Starbucks wants more people bringing their laptops and smartphones into their cafes, they'd better start providing free WiFi or else people will risk their health by dining at McDonald's just for the free WiFi.

Four words for all you naysayers: it can cure AIDS.

A very unusual blood transplant appears to have cured an American man living in Berlin of infection with the AIDS virus. He had a blood stem cell transplant in 2007 to treat leukaemia, and his donor not only was a good blood match but also had a gene mutation that confers natural resistance to HIV. If we can get our hands on the mutation, then this would be, as some rather unsavoury German guy put it, the final solution to the AIDS question. Medical science will always have "only come so far", but it will come further as time goes by. Just as there is hope that North Korea will reunite with the South, there is hope that a similar mutation can be found to cure cancer as well. And there is hope that Qatar can overcome all their obstacles to hosting a successful World Cup by 2022.

Not an exciting match but the Gunners went down

Man United beat Arsenal 1-0 at Old Trafford this morning. The goal was scored by Ji-Sung Park, and four bellends from the losing team received yellow cards.

Man United are now at the top of the table, but the Premier League should drop the points system and give the Premiership to the winner of a game played between the team with the most wins and the team with the least losses after the season is over, because the way the teams are going right now, Arsenal or Chelsea could win the Premiership despite the fact that they’ve already lost a few matches each and Man U hasn’t lost a match all season.

SPOTLIGHT ON KOREA: The South is losing patience

South Korea is losing patience with North Korea and probably will take military action. It doesn't necessarily have to be an all-out war, but there could finally be some hope of reuniting the Korean peninsula. The South have recognised the importance of cleaning the North out with a Karcher because a South Korean government that does not react would not be able to survive there, and what is needed is a united Korea under Seoul's influence because there is no way that people like Kim Jong-Il should be running the place. What else is needed is for the US to consider sending all its troops to Pyongyang because one army cannot always make a difference on its own (case in point: it took more than just Britain to defeat Germany - twice).

Prayer doesn't work so why bother?

A fundamentalist Christian couple from Philadelphia who relied on prayer, not medicine, to try to cure their dying toddler son was convicted on Friday of involuntary manslaughter and child endangerment. This should serve as a wake-up call to any uber-religious wackos who think praying to some "higher power" that only exists in their minds will cure their child - it won't necessarily work. A doctor with many years of experience is better than some fictional higher power at curing many common ailments, therefore, I would not recommend prayer as an antidote to all ills and I most certainly would not recommend prayer for treating swine flu (which has recently made a return to Britain) or meningitis or Ebola or some other potentially fatal disease.

The Mounties get their man as usual

Action movie star and big-time tax fraud Wesley Snipes started the longest and hardest three years of his life today. He is starting a sentence at a minimum-security federal prison in Lewis Run, Pennsylvania for not filing income tax returns (the camp has 300 other inmates, and features (among other things) double-feature movie showings during the weekends, but nothing rated higher than PG-13, which pretty much rules out Snipes' action-heavy repertoire). This is some good work on the IRS's part because what some Hollywood stars don't realise is that they still have to pay taxes, and this will be a good opportunity for Snipes to have a long, hard think about the importance of paying taxes. Taxes are what pays for schools, the military, hospitals, roads, the courts, the police, and unemployment benefits (also known as "the dole"), and if you don't pay your tax, then you're stealing from everyone that these taxes are used to pay - in fact, the only exception is money raised for a charitable cause and if the Government charge taxes on donations, then they're the ones stealing - they're stealing from the people that the donations are being used to benefit and no law they can pass ever makes said theft, or any theft for that matter, OK.

Last week's Man United game scheduled for the 25th next month

Man United's away game against Blackpool was called off due to a frozen pitch at Bloomfield Road, but they have decided that Man U will attempt to drown Blackpool (or be drowned) on the 25th of January. This sort of carry-on is why English sports venues need an under-soil heating system (already required in the German Bundesliga). There have been several cases of matches in Holland that are supposed to take place around Christmas but have to be called off due to there being too much snow on the fields. This just goes to show how valuable under-soil heating is in colder climates - this way, less matches will be cancelled or postponed, there will be less logistical headaches in things like rescheduling the match and fans re-scheduling their travel plans if a match does get postponed, and there will be less money lost through processing ticket refunds if a match is actually cancelled.

But low-carb beers are for homosexuals

A Marlborough-based boutique beer brewer has supposedly offended the gay community with a marketing campaign suggesting low carb beers are only for homosexuals. The brewer, Moa Beer, had planned to give away T-shirts which said "Low carb B(Q)eers, Moa Beer - full strength" (a pink Q was superimposed on the first B). Even though one should think twice about referring to queers in this context, I'm with the brewers on this one - low-carb beer isn't real beer and I don't know any straight man that would be caught dead drinking low-carb, let alone low-alcohol, beer. I believe in choice but I also believe in self-respect, and with that in mind, I'd rather have my balls sliced open than drink low-carb beer.

It's hard enough sending a cat to Abu Dhabi

But a guy from an Etihad flight from Jakarta had snakes, birds, and a squirrel. The result? Snakes on a Plane 2: A True Story. The guys at Abu Dhabi did a good job by confiscating the contraband because who knows what could've happened had the lapses in security that occurred back in Indonesia had occurred again in the UAE - the snakes could have been diseased and if they were allowed through, they could have caused some real damage to the local ecosystem or maybe harvested for their skin or their meat. But at least that was the end of the matter and he was allowed to enter the UAE - sans the snakes.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, their pension?

Fraudsters have stolen $1.6 million by claiming the pensions of dead family members. The frauds by widows, children, and grandchildren were on average NZ$105,000 each and some of the frauds have been going on since at least 1995. This was done by forging signatures on superannuation forms to show that the relatives are alive, however, claiming false pension payments is meant to be impossible because in 2004, the Ministry of Social Development began matching data with data in the Department of Internal Affairs, which manages death records, to ensure "dead" people were not claiming benefits. And yet, some bellends still do it, and 15 have pleaded guilty to various criminal charges. Death of a relative is not nice for anybody to experience and I realise that it's a great idea to make the best of a bad situation, but taking advantage of a death in such an unethical manner is not what I had in mind.

Things are getting bad in the UK

A poll recently conducted found out that one in every five Britons expects a family bust-up during the festive season. As much as I may be ready to throw down, Christmas is a time to put the bad blood aside and to love one another, not to pollute such a happy time of year with your personal vendettas. It may make a good storyline on EastEnders but it is unpleasant and besides, I don't even watch that show.

Also, the British government have expelled a Russian woman who worked in the parliament on trumped-up accusations of espionage. This action is possibly a petty act of revenge over England's failed World Cup bid, as there is absolutely no proof that Katia Zatuliveter is a spy. And besides, you can't just expel a foreigner for espionage unless a court finds that such espionage has in fact occurred, and in Zatuliveter's case, no court has found any evidence of espionage and the expulsion was just done for revenge without even so much as a court hearing.

A pretty spiky situation is afoot

That's right, five patrons of a bar in Napier were hospitalised last night after having their drinks spiked. This sort of carry-on is why I finish a pint or jug or whatever before leaving the glass unattended - this way, no bellend would be able to sneak their drugs into my drink. Alcohol causes more than enough problems even without such a stupid act as drink spiking on the list. I hope whoever did that act gets an adequate punishment.

Easy A gets F as far as Sony product placement goes

I saw the film Easy A today, and it was a great film with just one gripe, and boy is it a doozy: Sony products were seen in various scenes. This rant isn't meant to make a laughing stock of the Japanese electronics giant, however, some of the characters in the movie have Sony VAIO laptops, which almost always run the worst excuse anyone can find for an operating system: Microsoft Windows. Because the same company wasn't responsible for the operating system and the hardware, Windows is prone to bugs (as are Windows applications) and as for viruses, a Windows system can become infected at the drop of a hat. A Mac is by far better because you can take most of your Windows junk with you but none of those bellends will be able to get you with their malicious code and superior hacking skills. And besides, every other big-time director in Hollywood is putting Macs in their movies.

One gold trophy, two green bands, two new countries.

The World Cup is venturing into unknown territory - Russia will host the tournament in 2018 and Qatar in 2022, no thanks to two bellends that were suspended from voting amid allegations of vote-selling. I didn't think Qatar would get to host because a) it's too hot during the day, b) their laws do not allow recognition of Israel, and c) Islam, which is the predominant religion on both sides of the Gulf, forbids the consumption of alcohol and rightly so because of all the health and social problems involved. But they can overcome all that by having solar-powered air conditioners to cool the stadiums, letting Israel participate, and allowing consumption of alcohol purchased from special "fan zones". I just hope that alcohol doesn't cause any problems during the event like it did at the Four Nations doubleheader in Eden Park last month when spectators were chucking beer bottles onto the field.

I'm just glad I'm not in Queenstown

Because otherwise, I could've been yet another victim of Marcelo Da Silva Araujo, who is some bellend from Brazil who used forged credit cards to steal $4700 from five customers of a bar he worked at. It's a good thing his work permit expires on the 20th and Immigration New Zealand made the right decision in not issuing that scumbag another one, because credit card fraud is unethical and should never be tolerated in any place at any time. This is not the first time Queenstown has been hit by credit fraud, and they should do something about it before some other bellend decides to capitalise on the potential for ill-gotten gains.

Just use an executive order

Barack Obama is trying to get Congress to repeal the US military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy by the end of the year. The reason for such a fast-tracked process is so that this can happen while the current legislators are still in (the House of Representatives is elected every two years, as is one third of the Senate, and most of the House will be made up of a Republican majority next year). But I believe an executive order could be used to do this way faster. Getting Congress to do it takes too long, and if you're the President, you can use an executive order to manage almost anything. Clinton, also a Democrat, could've just integrated openly gay people in the military lickety-split with an executive order, but no, that two-timer just had to put "don't ask, don't tell" in place (not to mention performing unspeakable acts with one of his interns during his second term), and Obama's next course of action when the Republican-dominated House comes in would have to be the executive order.