WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Downton Abbey

Downton Abbey sucks. Seriously, people, it's the worst show ever made. I would rather be shot in the balls than watch that crap. It is even responsible for ruining a perfectly serviceable scene about 30 minutes into the new Iron Man movie, where it is shown on a TV in a hospital. A hospital? The patients in there are sick enough as it is. So don't even bother.

Now that that fact-based TV review is over, as is this month, we will reveal that the Bellend of the Month for April 2013 is Elizabeth Anne Cowles. She is a club treasurer from Geraldine (in the South Island of New Zealand) who stole $79,000 from community groups, and early this month, she was sentenced to six months' home detention. This is too lenient considering the amount stolen and the charges she faced, namely misuse of a document and theft by a person in a special relationship. She should've gone to jail for doing something that stupid.

Drawn but not de-throned

Manchester United’s first outing as Barclays Premier League champions this morning may have ended in a 1-1 draw against Arsenal – and with it the potential to set a new record points total – but the events at Emirates Stadium were undeniable entertainment to begin the Reds’ four-match victory parade. Arsenal played their part in a clash that recalled at least some of the quality and commitment of old in this fixture. Theo Walcott scored for Arsenal and Robin van Persie scored for Man United. Both goal-scorers were yellow-carded at some point in the match, as were five other players.

Clear as a Bell

A strain of bacteria has been created that can produce fuel. Researchers genetically modified E. coli bacteria to convert sugar into an oil that is almost identical to conventional diesel. If the process could be scaled up, this synthetic fuel could be a viable alternative to fossil fuel. But enough about that because the voice of Alexander Graham Bell has been identified for the first time, in a recording from 1885. On the wax-disc recording, the telephone inventor says: "Hear my voice, Alexander Graham Bell." The recording is among the earliest held by the Smithsonian Institution, which runs the National Museum of American History. Bell's voice was recorded on to the disc on 15 April 1885 at his Volta laboratory in Washington. The clip has been posted online, click here to hear it.

Guess who's back, back again? Dreamliner's back, tell a friend!

An Ethiopian Airlines flight has taken off from Addis Ababa, and is travelling to Nairobi in Kenya at time of writing. So where's the fanfare in that? It is the first commercial flight by the Boeing 787 Dreamliner since all 787s were grounded in January. The 50 787s in service around the world were grounded due to battery malfunctions that saw one 787 catch fire in the US. Over the past week, teams of Boeing engineers have been fitting new batteries to the aircraft. This was after aviation authorities approved the revamped battery design. In other plane-related news, New York police say what appears to be part of the landing gear of one of jets flown into the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001 has been found. The 5ft (1.52m) piece of metal, which bears a Boeing label and serial number, was wedged between two New York City buildings, police said. It was found on Wednesday by surveyors inspecting a lower Manhattan building. But enough about that historic find because starting on Monday, 5,000 Britons will be challenging themselves to live on just £1 a day for five days, as part of a campaign by the Global Poverty Project. But is it possible not just to survive, but also to eat a balanced and healthy diet on that sort of budget? Let's wait and see. It could be something worth trying. And speaking of trying, a US citizen is soon to go on trial on charges including attempting to overthrow North Korea's government, according to the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA). KCNA says that Pae Jun-Ho, who is known in the US as Kenneth Bae, has admitted the charges, without specifying when the trial will start. Pae/Bae was held last year after entering North Korea as a tourist.

Forget the hands on your watch

Now you can make your car glow in the dark. A heavily modified Volkswagen Golf has been wrapped with a phosphorescent coating that makes the car appear white in daylight and glow green in dark surrounds. The German hatchback has been modified by tuners Low-Car-Scene and Blackbox-Richter, and features what’s called a "phosphor-foil wrap" from texture and coating specialists 3M on the body of the car and the wheels. The body flips from white to green in the dark, while the wheels and striped highlights change from pink to black. Its modifiers have labelled it the Golf VII Light-Tron.

In other automotive news, Toyota has unveiled a "no frills" electric car concept that it claims offers the practicality of four cars in one. The Toyota ME.WE concept, designed by the Japanese brand and European industrial designer Jean-Marie Massaud, can be configured as a ute (pickup truck), off-roader, semi-convertible, or a city car. The name ME.WE stems from the car's apparent "concern for individual freedom" (that's the 'ME' bit) and its "responsibility towards society" (that's the ‘WE' part). The Yaris-sized five-seater is designed to be an eco-warrior, with recyclable materials used through the body and the cabin. It features weight-saving polypropylene body panels that save about 180 kilograms over steel, a bamboo floor and dash, and a lightweight aluminium underbody. It weighs just 750kg but despite its lithe kerb weight, it still features a four-wheel-drive system. There's a bank of batteries under the body of the car, and four in-wheel electric motors for constant propulsion, even on slippery surfaces. Inside the ME.WE has a simple interior with polypropylene bench seats that the company claims can be taken out of the car and used as picnic chairs. It features a smartphone docking station, with an app for sat-nav guidance and controlling the car's air temperature. The back-end can extend into a ute-like tray for carting longer parcels, and the roof section features a luggage hold with an expandable neoprene cover. It's looking to be one amazing car, but it would be even nicer with the glow-in-the-dark coating on the VW also mentioned here today.

That's enough car talk for one day because a top United States Senate Democrat says the advertising industry is ignoring consumers' requests not to be tracked online and that it's probably time for federal regulation. Senator Jay Rockefeller of West Virginia delivered the threat in his opening remarks at a congressional hearing Wednesday on his proposal to impose a "Do Not Track" list that companies would have to honour unless they want to face penalties by the Federal Trade Commission.

Curse-laden email goes viral

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f***ing ride.

Does that line sound familiar to you? If not, then you haven't been paying attention to current events. I'll fill you in: a sorority sister's hostile, profanity-laden email to other members in her chapter regarding their sociability has been widely circulated, inciting controversy, parody, and possible inquiry on the part of both the university and the chapter's national organisation. After the email was made public online, it has sparked thousands of comments ranging from support to ridicule. The email gained even more attention when it was parodied on the comedy video website Funny or Die by Oscar-nominated actor Michael Shannon in a four-minute dramatic reading. The student, who was later identified as Rebecca Martinson, is a member of Delta Gamma's Beta Sigma chapter at the University of Maryland at College Park. She sent an email to her sorority sisters following their week-long events with another fraternity on campus. In the over-the-top email, the woman said the feedback she received from fraternity members portrayed the chapter as "awkward" and "boring" and the sorority sisters needed to shape up.

Apparently, there are 41 F-bombs all up in the email. Click here to read it.

CHAMPIONS 20|13

Sergio Aguero snatched away the title in the last minute last season. It broke the hearts of all the Manchester United fans to pieces, but above all it affected an old man. That man woke up next morning and was in the office at 7am even though the season was over, just to get started with the preparations for the next season. That old man just grabbed his team their 20th title. That old man, Sir Alex Ferguson, just took back what was his! That's right, Manchester United are the champions of England for a record-extending 20th time (13th in the Premier League era), after a swaggering first-half display of champagne football yesterday morning overcame Aston Villa at Old Trafford. The scoring can be summed up in just a few words: a hat-trick by Robin van Persie. Patrice Evra was the only player to receive a yellow card in this historic match.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Books

Yes, books. And yet, April 23 is all about them. Why? In 1995, UNESCO decided that the World Book and Copyright Day would be celebrated on this date, because the date is the anniversary of the birth and death of William Shakespeare; the death of Miguel de Cervantes, Inca Garcilaso de la Vega, and Josep Pla; and the birth of Maurice Druon, Manuel Mejía Vallejo, and Halldór Laxness. Who cares? A book is nothing more than several sheets of paper stacked and bound together. It is a waste of trees, so if you must read, please just stick to electronic copies. It will be easier on your wallet too because there are websites where you can find copies of several popular novels for free.

Boston bomber case nowhere near finish line

Today is the 20th anniversary of one of the worst hate crimes in British history. Specifically, we are talking about the murder of Stephen Lawrence, in a racist attack at a south London bus stop. An inquiry into the slow response by the Metropolitan Police labelled them institutionally racist, for their slow response in pursuing the attackers. Gary Dobson and David Norris were finally found guilty of the murder in January 2012. But we also have a present-day murderer on our hands: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. He is one of the two bellends suspected of bombing the finish line at the Boston Marathon. He was captured on Friday evening after a huge manhunt during which Tsarnaev's elder brother and suspected fellow bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, died. US federal prosecutors are now preparing charges against Dzhokhar as more details emerge of his capture. If he is charged with using a weapon of mass destruction to kill people, he could face the death penalty, as should former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, who has been ordered back to prison from military hospital. Mr Mubarak's retrial will open on 11 May, a Cairo appeals court says. He is charged alongside his former interior minister and six former security chiefs with complicity in the murder and attempted murder of hundreds of protesters in January 2011. The retrial was meant to begin on 13 April but collapsed when the presiding judge withdrew from the case.

From pot to shot

Gunfire erupted at a Denver pot celebration yesterday, injuring two people and scattering a crowd of thousands at a downtown park after they had just marked the first 4/20 counterculture holiday since the state legalized marijuana. The man and woman who were shot were expected to survive, and police were looking for one or two suspects, said Denver Police spokesman Sonny Jackson. Witnesses described a scene in which a jovial atmosphere quickly turned to one of panic just before 5 p.m. Several thought firecrackers were being set off, then a man fell bleeding, his dog also shot. Seriously, people, Denver has seen more than enough gun violence over the last 12 months. The Batman shootings were bad enough. Speaking of which, the prosecution seeking the death penalty against James Holmes in the Aurora theater shooting case wants to see what he's been doing in jail so that they can possibly use it against him during the penalty phase of trial if he is found guilty by a jury. In a new notice filed on Friday in Arapahoe District Court, District Attorney George Brauchler made a list of evidence he wants to see in order to establish a capital murder case, including "any video or audio recording of the defendant and/or any person he interacts with while incarcerated."

BP's worst mistake turns 3 today

Today is the third anniversary of one of Big Oil's worst contributions to recent history. That's right, I'm talking about Deepwater Horizon. But we have some good news: Pakistan's former leader Pervez Musharraf has appeared at an anti-terrorism court over claims he illegally detained judges in 2007. Mr Musharraf, who ruled Pakistan between 1999 and 2007, was arrested yesterday. The High Court ruled that the allegations amounted to an act of terrorism and ordered him to appear at Islamabad's anti-terror court. But Mr Musharraf has described the case against him as politically motivated. In other news, Allen H. Neuharth, the newspaper visionary and former Gannett chairman who founded USA TODAY, died yesterday at the age of 89 at his home in Cocoa Beach, Florida. He was an innovator who used satellite technology to create a national newspaper that has become the second largest in the United States.

Reds on home straight to taking back the title

Manchester United took time to hit anything like top gear at Upton Park yesterday morning, and had to settle for a 2-2 draw with West Ham, the same scoreline as the FA Cup third-round tie earlier in the season. Ricardo Vaz Te and Mohamed Diame scored for West Ham, and Antonio Valencia (his first goal of the season) and Robin van Persie scored for the Reds. Shinji Kagawa set up both of the Reds' goals. Discipline-wise, only Andy Carroll was shown a yellow card. The result means the Reds will be champions if six points are picked up from the last five games - even if Manchester City continue winning as they did that day by beating Wigan 1-0 at home, courtesy of Carlos Tevez's second-half strike.

Historic day for Middle Earth

Amid deafening cheers of joy and relief, the 150,000-strong gay community last night finally achieved full equality with other New Zealanders with the passage of a law allowing same-sex partners to marry. The milestone completed a social revolution which began with the decriminalisation of homosexuality in 1985, and confirmed this country as the 13th to make the leap to legalising gay marriage. The bill passed by the same margin as its second reading, 77 votes to 44. In other New Zealand-related news, New Zealanders will get Monday off when Waitangi and Anzac days next fall on a weekend. The Labour Party bill to move the day off for Waitangi Day and Anzac Day to Monday when it falls on a weekend passed its third reading last night by 61 votes to 60. That's right, two important laws passed means 100 percent improvement. But Australia are planning to bowl the good times underarm with a planned tower in Melbourne. Australia 108 is a towering 108-level Melbourne apartment/hotel block set to be one of the world's tallest buildings, and it could rise to 388m at 70 Southbank Boulevard near the Yarra, eclipsing Auckland Sky Tower's 328m. That will make the controversial new skyscraper the Southern Hemisphere's tallest building. But Auckland can still beat that by constructing a tower at least one kilometre tall.

Three dead due to a marathon of a bomb

Martin Richard was a bright, sunny 8-year-old who loved to ride his bike and scored the winning goal for his soccer team in a championship game last year. 29-year-old Krystle Campbell was the vivacious assistant manager of a steakhouse who could instantly smooth over diners' complaints with her smile. They were cheering on the sidelines of the Boston Marathon on Monday when two bombs went off, firing a blizzard of nails, ball bearings, and tiny daggers of shrapnel into the flesh of runners and spectators. The Dorchester boy and the Arlington woman were the first two confirmed dead in the attack, which injured more than 170 people. A third person killed has been identified as a Chinese citizen who attended Boston University as a graduate student. That's three perfectly good lives at an abrupt end because of the senseless and cold-hearted act of at least one bellend who wanted to ruin everyone else's good time. I'm sure North Korea had something to do with this.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Government

Yes, government. There can be some serious bellends in there. For instance, our Parliament has passed a controversial law outlawing protests that interfere with or damage oil exploration vessels, leaving protesters liable for a fine of up to NZ$100,000 for groups or NZ$50,000 for an individual. The new law also makes it an offence for people to get closer than 500 metres to a ship that is declared to have a "non-interference zone". Entering the zone could result in a NZ$10,000 fine. The Crown Minerals (Permitting and Crown Land) Bill governs the permitting systems for mining and mineral exploration, and had been relatively non-controversial until Energy Minister Simon Bridges introduced a late amendment establishing the new offences after it had been considered by the commerce committee. Mr Bridges said protests could impose significant costs on companies carrying out legitimate activities under permits and create very serious health and safety risks. I say too bad. Big Oil puts our health and safety at risk every day with their ghastly fossil fuels. And the new law is a PR stunt that sends a message to the oil companies that New Zealand's Government is prepared to do anything to get them here - it is prepared to sacrifice any democratic right or environmental standard in order to see this activity go ahead. It is nothing short of a tilting of the playing field constantly in favour of industry over the environment.

Reds rule Britannia Stadium

Manchester United got the title bid back on track this morning with a convincing 2-0 win at Stoke City that stretches the lead at the top of the Barclays Premier League to 15 points. After the derby defeat to Manchester City, a trip to a blustery Britannia Stadium against a team battling to avoid the drop was clearly a potential banana-skin but the Reds' class showed in testing conditions with Michael Carrick and Robin van Persie, from the penalty spot, grabbing the goals. Two players were yellow-carded during the match.

Bhullar stays on death row

India's Supreme Court has rejected a petition by a death row prisoner to commute his sentence to life in jail. The petition was filed by Devinder Pal Singh Bhullar on the basis that there had been "an inordinate delay" in deciding his mercy plea. He has been on death row since August 2001 for a 1993 attack in Delhi which killed nine. His plea, filed in 2002, was denied by the president in 2011, and for good reason. What one must remember is that nine people aren't around anymore because of that scumbag, so it doesn't seem right that Bhullar should get to live. And speaking of death, well-known hymns and poems will mark Baroness Thatcher's funeral on Wednesday, Downing Street says. Details of the ceremony have been published, including the hymns To Be A Pilgrim, I Vow to Thee My Country, and Love Divine, All Loves Excelling. The programme features lines from Wordsworth's Intimations of Immortality and TS Eliot's Little Gidding. Meanwhile, hundreds of people took part in a demonstration yesterday condemning Lady Thatcher in Trafalgar Square. The protesters danced and sang around a large effigy of the late prime minister and chanted slogans. Scotland Yard says nine people were arrested during the protest - five of them for being drunk and disorderly.

Screens turn blue in quest for strength

The next wave of smartphones and tablets might have super-sturdy screens fashioned from the human-made version of a gemstone. But which one? Manufactured sapphire. It's a substance already used to protect the camera lens on the iPhone 5 and to armour some military vehicles. It would also be an almost unbreakable alternative to the glass now used on the displays of mobile devices, according to a report in the MIT Technology Review. Sapphire is the second-hardest material on the planet, behind only diamond. According to the MIT report, a sapphire smartphone screen won't break if you drop it, and it can't be scratched with a car key or by a sidewalk. That's good news for you techies out there. The bad news is that currently, a sapphire display for a smartphone would cost about $30, compared with $3 for the screens made by Corning's Gorilla Glass, the protective cover that's on more than 1 billion devices. But enough about that because anyone who is in London when Margaret Thatcher's funeral takes place next Wednesday can expect it to "look very different" as a huge security operation swings into action, police said yesterday. Roads and Underground stations will be closed, police officers will be out in force, and members of the armed forces will line the route that the cortege will follow from Westminster to St. Paul's Cathedral. With Queen Elizabeth II and many other dignitaries among the more than 2,000 guests, the "ceremonial"-style funeral for Britain's first female prime minister was bound to be a security headache. The threat of possible demonstrations by anarchists and fears that dissident Irish Republicans may try to act have heightened concerns.

Random Access Memories comes to most random place

A remote farming town in Australia is set to hit the global stage next month after French electro-pop duo Daft Punk picked it for the global launch of their new album. Wee Waa, with a population of just 1,653 and about 500km northwest of Sydney, will host the official launch of Random Access Memories, Daft Punk's first album in eight years, local officials said. The album will be released on May 21 but it is set to be played for the first time anywhere in the world at an exclusive 4,000-ticket party at the annual Wee Waa agricultural show on May 17. Daft Punk themselves will not be attending, but the Wee Waa Show Society are claiming it as a major coup for the event, where the highlights are usually a pet show and wood-chopping contest. But I couldn't care less. They only have one good song out and no it's not on the new album. But there is something worth caring about from the convict-free side of the ditch: researchers in Christchurch and Otago are developing a new breakthrough test to help the World Anti-Doping Agency uncover drug cheats in sport, and if it works, then there will never be another Lance Armstrong.

From IVF to RIP

We are currently in a month that has already seen the deaths of Roger Ebert and Margaret Thatcher. But now we have another. Robert G. Edwards, who opened a new era in medicine when he joined a colleague in developing in vitro fertilization, enabling millions of infertile couples to bring children into the world and women to have babies even in menopause, died yesterday at his home near Cambridge, England. Dr. Edwards, who was awarded the Nobel Prize for his breakthrough, was 87. But enough about that because Christchurch project management firm Apollo Projects wants the Government to set a deadline on property owner decisions for development of the retail precinct in City Mall. Apollo has joined with Christchurch merchant bank Ocean Partners in the proposed $200 million One Cashel Square retail, hospitality, and office complex in the CBD. That partnership is vying with others to lead the development of the block bordered by City Mall, Lichfield St, and the Avon River; and it needs the more than a dozen landowners in the block to decide which development they support. I'm sure it will be a contentious race, but also contentious is the fact that the blogger holding a leaked Earthquake Commission (EQC) email with information on 83,000 Christchurch claimants says he is preparing to defy a court order stopping disclosure. The High Court in Wellington yesterday extended an order prohibiting any release of information from the email, accidentally leaked last week to Christchurch businessman Bryan Staples, of Earthquake Services. The blogger told The Press last night he was upset about not getting a hearing in court and believed he should have been given time to prepare his case. Sounds fair enough, but contempt of court is not necessarily the right way to play when it comes to issues like this. But had time been provided, he would have stopped releasing information until a hearing. He would also stop disclosing information from the email if EQC chief executive Ian Simpson agreed to debate several issues with him in a public forum. So with that in mind, they'd better get one underway.

City clawing back in

Man United may have lost yesterday morning's bout between Manchester’s heavyweights, but with a 12-point advantage and just seven games remaining, the Reds still remain on track to win the battle overall and reclaim the title from City. The matchday programme billed it as a ‘Game of Thrones’ – last season’s champions against this year’s most convincing pursuant of the title - and yet on the night no team would be de-throned, no crown bestowed upon this season’s champions. Not yet. That said, even with a robust 15-point advantage going into the fixture allowing room to manoeuvre, this was a match United desperately wanted to win as an assertion of dominance. But win they couldn't because after 90 minutes at Old Trafford and eight yellow cards shown to various bellends for various instances of misconduct, goals from James Milner and Sergio Aguero (before and after a Vincent Kompany own goal) gave victory on the night to the Blues. But if that wasn't trashy enough for you, check out this pic of a trash boat wearing a trash bag:

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: People who still do the Harlem Shake

Seriously, people. The Harlem Shake was never a good idea to begin with. This pic is exactly what I think of that stupid fad:


Gangnam Style is way better than that rubbish. But here's something that isn't rubbish: a good recipe idea which is suitable for either lunch or dinner. For dessert, try this or this.

A Zucker for the old sites

A blinking dinosaur eye. A nod to Eminem. A crude effort at connecting friends and "friends of friends." Were these the awkward first steps toward a multibillion-dollar social media empire? Some online sleuths think so, saying that a newly unearthed Angelfire page from 1999 appears to be the first website ever created by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. "Hi, my name is...Slim Shady," the site's creator wrote on its "About Me" page, referencing an Eminem song released that same year. "No, really, my name is Slim Shady. Just kidding, my name is Mark." Mark describes himself as 15 years old, having just completed his freshman year of high school in "a small town near the massive city of New York." But let's not dwell on that historic find any longer because Jim O'Neill, the Goldman Sachs economist who famously captured the globe's shifting economic power when he coined the "BRIC" acronym, now says the euro may not exist by 2020. O'Neill's views were aired at the Spring Ambrosetti Forum, where delegates gathered by the peaceful Lake Como. But unlike its serene waters, many delegates felt the future of the European Union, which has been destabilized by economic crisis and political infighting, remained murky. O'Neill, speaking to CNN at the forum, said: "If we carry on the same way as we are, by 2020 the euro might not exist."

Tax cheat gets out, celeb gets it out

Wesley Snipes was convicted of tax evasion in 2008, after being charged with failing to file tax returns from 1999-2001. After first reporting to a federal prison for said crimes in December 2010, he has now been released. He's not free to return to his everyday life just yet, though. Instead, Snipes was transferred to the New York Community Corrections Office, who will be in charge of overseeing his home confinement. Snipes will be under house arrest for the remainder of his sentence, ending July 19. But enough about that because poor Britney Spears paid a visit to Wardrobe Malfunction City when all she wanted to do was cheer on her sons at their soccer match. Spears wore a short, nearly sheer white dress to lounge around in the grass with her entourage at Jayden James and Sean Preston's game. But it seems it was a breezier day than Brit expected, as her dress flew up in the back to expose her bare derriere when she went walking around the field. The wardrobe malfunction apparently inspired the 31-year-old pop star to change outfits, for Spears was also photographed wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants at the same match. So to sum it up, oops, she did it again. But don't just take my word for it - you can check out the incriminating evidence here.

Long time freezing, short time melting

In what is a profound visual display of the earth’s increasingly warmer temperatures, glacial ice in the Andes that took a minimum of 1600 years to form has melted drastically in a mere 25 years, leaving behind a large pool of water framed by exposed rock and diminished beds of ice. As the ice melts, plants from thousands of years ago are being freed. Thanks a lot, big polluters. You really did the earth a solid there. But enough about that because hacking collective Anonymous has apparently selected its next high-profile target, in the shape of any sites or social network accounts related to North Korea, seizing control of Flickr and Twitter pages in the process. The activists cracked the Uriminzokkiri accounts and uploaded images of their own, in addition to claiming to have extracted 15,000 usernames and passwords from the site. Anonymous’ goal appears to be loosening the restrictions on internet access North Koreans face from their government, and I hope they can meet that goal.

Liestrong unable to Swimstrong

Lance Armstrong, who is serving a lifetime ban from Olympic sports because of serious doping violations, planned to return to athletic competition this week at a masters swimming event that does not test its athletes for drugs. But after learning of Armstrong’s entry, the International Swimming Federation put a stop to his plans. “I was told all along that I was more than welcome to compete in masters meets by U.S.M.S.,” Lance Armstrong said of U.S. Masters Swimming. “Then all of a sudden, I’m not welcome? I don’t get it.” But I do. Armstrong, who in January confessed to doping for each of his record seven Tour de France victories, was barred from this weekend’s event and future events sanctioned by U.S. Masters Swimming because that organization is overseen by swimming’s international federation, which adheres to World Anti-Doping Agency rules. Armstrong received his lifetime ban and was stripped of his Tour titles under those rules. Armstrong, who came clean about his doping partly in an effort to reduce his doping penalty because he wants to compete again, said that he was “extremely disappointed” that he could not compete in the meet. To quote Judge Judy, that falls under the category of tough. That lowlife maggot deserves to be banned for taking drugs, just like James Holmes deserves the death penalty for killing twelve moviegoers last July.

Super Sizer going 3D for 1D

Morgan Spurlock has been following Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik, and Liam Payne around in their personal lives as well as on stage. But what is it all for? Why, it must be the upcoming One Direction film. And Spurlock has lifted the lid on all the goings on behind the scenes filming 1D in 3D – and it’s basically exactly what you’d expect. With less clothes. “There are more shirtless moments than you can imagine,” the Super Size Me director revealed. “Now how many of those make it into the final film we’ll have to wait and see.” But they'd better dance Gangnam Style or else the ticket price would just be money spent in vain. But in another music-related story, Richie Sambora is bailing on the Bon Jovi world tour because of "personal issues," but it has nothing to do with substance abuse. It's all about a war that exploded between Jon and Richie. Sources directly connected to Bon Jovi tell TMZ that tensions between Jon and Richie have been running high for years and it's finally erupted. According to one source, "It's a classic Jagger/Richards blowup." And speaking of blowing stuff up, South Korea says North Korea has moved a missile with "considerable range" to its east coast after an unnamed spokesman for the North Korean army warned the U.S. yesterday that its military has been cleared to wage an attack using smaller, lighter, and diversified nuclear weapons. However, South Korea's defense minister has stated that the missile moved is not capable of hitting the United States.

Joker on the road to the chair

Justice will finally be served in the Aurora theatre shootings. That's right, the prosecution has announced it will seek the death penalty for James Eagan Holmes after rejecting a guilty plea offer by the defense. But the murder trial will not start until next year, and will go forward under a new judge. The defense was ready to allow Holmes to plead guilty in exchange for the prosecution taking the death penalty off the table. But a grim George Brauchler, district attorney for Colorado's 18th Judicial District, formally rejected the offer. “It is my determination and my intention that in this case, for James Eagan Holmes, justice is death,” Brauchler said at a court hearing on Monday. And death it shall be because his stupidity ended the lives of twelve people and the unborn baby of one of the survivors. On another death-related topic, Texas prosecutors are dropping like flies. Whoever's responsible should stop it and give themselves up so as not to make things worse.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: H7N9

That's an up-and-coming strain of bird flu. Two men have died after contracting said strain, which had not been previously found in humans, Xinhua (China’s official news agency) reported on Sunday. The authorities said the two Shanghai men, aged 27 and 87, fell ill after contracting the H7N9 strain in February and died in March. A third person, a 35-year-old woman from the city of Chuzhou, in neighboring Anhui Province, also contracted the strain and is critically ill. So please be careful. H7N9 could spread and maybe cause the apocalypse the Mayans predicted for last year.

Ain't nothin' but carrot whistlin'

Dutch scientist Lirpa Sloof announced yesterday the successful development of a genetically modified 'whistling carrot.' The carrots, according to Ms Sloof, had been specially engineered to grow with tapered airholes in their side. When fully cooked, these airholes caused the vegetable to whistle. That is one impressive development but whistle or no whistle, I still ain't eating them. On a non-whistling-produce-related topic, dihydrogen monoxide has been banned from several nations' water supplies.

Is everyone enjoying Easter?

Manchester United ground out a gritty, yet invaluable win over Sunderland this morning at Stadium of Light to extend a record-breaking start to the Barclays Premier League season. Robin van Persie's 27th-minute strike deflected off Phil Bardsley and Titus Bramble (who was credited with the goal) for the only goal of the game, making United the only team to win 25 of the first 30 games of a top flight season in England. There were four yellow cards.

Because today is the last day of the month, we have one important piece of business to attend to. The Bellend of the Month for March 2013 is Cory J. Feerick. He is a 33-year-old from Brookfield, Wisconsin, who is being charged with five misdemeanor counts of stealing flush valves from fast food restaurants and university toilets and urinals. For nearly four months, police from several departments were investigating multiple thefts of flush valves from toilets and urinals in public restrooms. Feerick reportedly stole roughly US$35,000 worth of the devices, and if convicted, Feerick could spend to 9 to 45 months in jail, and pay between US$10,000 and US$50,000 in fines. Seriously, guys, it's not worth it.

Spreadsheets begin to spread out

A Canadian accountant has managed to create a basic video game using only Excel spreadsheets. The game, called Arena.Xlsm, is a turn-based fantasy game in which players fight monsters and gather loot to make their character more powerful. It looks like it could be worth playing, but let's not dwell on that because iOS continues to be the preferred mobile platform in the business world, at least according to a recent report from Citrix. Looking specifically at business customers who use its cloud-based management software, Citrix found that iOS was No. 1 with 58 percent adoption in last year's fourth quarter. Android took second place with a 35 percent share, followed by Window Mobile with only 7 percent. Among all deployed iOS devices using Citrix's sofware, iPads accounted for 53 percent and iPhones for 46 percent.

Letter reaches judge at bullet speed

The life story of a 15-year Pakistani girl who was shot by the Taliban will be published later this year, in a deal reported to be worth around £2m. "I am Malala" will be published in the autumn and will tell the story of Malala Yousafzai, who was shot by Taliban gunmen after she became an advocate for woman's education in the Swat Valley. She now attends a school in Birmingham. Meanwhile, on the other side of the English Channel, the row over a corruption probe against Nicolas Sarkozy escalated yesterday after as the judge who charged France's former president received a bullet and a death threat in the post. The letter was sent to Jean-Michel Gentil, the most prominent of three judges investigating the case, on Wednesday, the magistrate's union SM revealed in a statement published on its website. The bellend who was stupid enough to send such things should've sent them to somebody who was more deserving, like maybe Justin Bieber or that drug cheat Lance Armstrong, who has stormed to a commanding win to be the first foxsports.com.au Vettel Award winner as Sports' Grand Prick. From over 4300 votes, the foxsports.com.au users named Armstrong sport's biggest villain ahead of Anthony "The Man" Mundine and - the inspiration behind the award - F1 bad boy Sebastian Vettel.

Push for the chair marches on

Colorado shooting suspect James Holmes has offered to plead guilty and spend the rest of his life behind bars in exchange for avoiding the death penalty, according to court documents filed yesterday. Prosecutors have not accepted the offer. Previously, they had said they would make a decision on whether to seek the death penalty against the 25-year-old Holmes at a hearing on Monday. "Prior to arraignment, Mr. Holmes made an offer to the prosecution to resolve this case by pleading guilty and spending the rest of his life in prison, without any opportunity for parole," the documents read. "If the prosecution elects not to pursue the death penalty, then it is Mr. Holmes' position that this case could be resolved on April 1." I would have that scumbag executed. One should remember that twelve people aren't around today because of that bellend. James Holmes should most definitely suffer the same fate.

Not skirting the issues here

Following a long-running discussion between Asiana Airlines and its flight attendants union about ending a skirts-only dress code for female cabin crew, the Seoul-based airline says it will be introducing a pants option to its uniform as soon as next month. The National Human Rights Commission in South Korea ruled the current dress code as discriminatory after the Korean Confederation of Trade Unions filed a complaint about restrictions on dress and appearance. And speaking of dress, Psy wants his fans to dress in white at his April concert where he will launch a new song that he hopes will cement the success of his "Gangnam Style" Youtube hit. "See this pic and let's be white on 0413", Psy tweeted on his @psy_oppa Twitter feed today, referring to the April 13 concert to be held in the South Korean capital of Seoul. But on the other side of the Demilitarised Zone, as the U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments yesterday on the constitutionality of banning same-sex marriage, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un told reporters that, considering he’s not a completely awful human being, he unequivocally believes that gay people should be able to marry. “Of course I believe gay and lesbian couples should be treated equally under the law, for God’s sake; I’m not a monster,” the despotic leader said, adding that, should the Supreme Court not declare same-sex marriage constitutional in all 50 states, he would strongly consider launching a nuclear weapon at the United States. Fair enough, but if I were him, I'd improve in several other areas. And if you're thinking of taking sides in this thorny issue, please bear this in mind:

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: People who don't get it right during Passover

Today is the second day of the Jewish festival of Passover. But sadly, not everyone gets it right. This page proves my point, with major faux pas including a matzo ball with bacon wrapped around it. I like bacon as much as the next gentile (non-Jew), but there is a time and a place for bacon - wrapped around a matzo ball is neither. Bacon isn't even kosher during the rest of the year. But if you click here, then you will find 31 desserts which are fine for consumption during Passover. But please, if you're going to have Jews over, especially during Passover, make sure you've read up on the kosher rules, and prepare the food so that it conforms with said rules. If you won't do it for your guests, or for me, or for yourself, then at least have the decency to do it for my niece (pictured).



Do YOU want this cute little bear growing up in a world where Jews unknowingly eat food that isn't kosher?

Crows no longer hanginaround in New Zealand

American band Counting Crows have cancelled all of their New Zealand shows after pulling the plug on their Wellington gig at the last minute. The band was scheduled to play the Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington on Saturday night, but postponed until yesterday due to illness. Fans were let into the venue and watched the opening act last night before a band member announced, almost an hour later, that the show was cancelled. This is a huge disappointment to all of the Crows' fans, and anyone who saw this huge letdown should get their money back, just like those who went to see Justin Bieber when he was two hours late to a show in London earlier this month.

Big mall with little use

After a slow start, Apple's iPhone has jumped to India's second largest smartphone supplier by pushing phones to Mom-and-Pop shops in the world's fastest growing smartphone market. Although Apple is still catching up to other smartphone makers like Samsung, analysts say Apple is finally taking India seriously. But not being taken seriously is a huge mall in China. New South China Mall in Guangdong Province opened in 2005. With 5 million square feet of shopping area, the mall can accommodate 2,350 stores, making it the largest shopping center in the world in terms of leasable space - more than twice the size of Mall of America, the biggest shopping center in the United States. At the outdoor plaza, hundreds of palm-trees blend with a replica Arc de Triomphe, a giant Egyptian sphinx, fountains, and long-stretching canals with gondolas. Only problem is, the mall is virtually deserted. Despite the bombastic design and grand plans, only a handful of stores are occupied. Walking among shattered shops - its dusty corridors and escalators covered in soiled sheets - is a walk through a ghost mall. Rubbish piles up along the sides, paint is coming off the walls, and store signs and advertisements have faded. So basically, they built it, but the shoppers didn't come. This was obviously a huge waste of money, and it should be torn down so the land could be turned over to a more profitable use. Or they could actually start attracting shops and shoppers so that the mall has a use.

Since when did incivility equal productivity?

Women who face rude and disrespectful behaviour in the workplace tolerate it and react by working harder. This has been found as part of research done by Edith Cowan University and the University of New England. ECU school of psychology and social science senior lecturer Dr Jennifer Loh said while women often had to deal with more negative behaviour than men, men reacted by withdrawing. Men who are treated rudely tended to react by taking longer breaks away from work and taking spurious sick days. But Loh, an organisational psychologist, said one possible reason for women's reaction to incivility in the workplace was the importance women tended to place on a good personal and social relationship with colleagues. "Therefore, when they are faced with incivility in the workplace - and this would generally be over work issues - women are more likely to attempt to work harder with the aim to improve their work relationships," she said. But don't take this as a licence to harass female coworkers in the hope that they will be more productive. It's still not nice to endure, so don't even bother because your job could be on the line. In other news, Nelson Peltz, one of America's best-known corporate raiders, could push for a US$170 billion merger of PepsiCo and Cadbury-owner Mondelez - formerly known as Kraft Foods - after secretly buying major stakes in the two consumer giants.

A billion users can't be wrong

YouTube, the video sharing site owned by Google, has announced it has passed one billion regular users. Announcing the milestone on its blog, the site said a recent growth in smartphones had helped boost the numbers visiting the site every month. I can think of one more reason: Gangnam Style. Eight months in, PSY's horse dance is still getting views. It has almost 1.5 billion views and is the real reason for YouTube's recent success. Harlem Shake and Justin Bieber don't stand a chance against this piece of YouTube history, so all you haters click here and help a real hero gallop further up the ladder of success.

Inferior system creeps into video game market

Julie Uhrman needed $950,000 from Kickstarter in less than a month to make her dream of an affordable, free-to-play gaming console a reality. She got it in eight hours - and nearly $8 million more after that. "It was the opposite of Field of Dreams," said Uhrman, a gaming-industry veteran and former vice president at IGN. "It was, if you come, we will build this." And so was born Ouya (pronounced OOO-yuh), a US$99 console that's shaped like and is just a hair bigger than a Rubik's Cube. It runs on Google's Android operating system and requires developers to offer a version of their games for free. A trial period is a tempting offer, but not if the console runs Android. If Apple makes one, then I might be on board for that. Androids suck.

Bring back Harlem Shaker? Not likely!

Students at an Oxford college have called for the reinstatement of a librarian who they say was sacked after the filming of a Harlem Shake video. About 30 students took part in a version of the internet dance craze in St Hilda's College library. It has had more than 5,000 views on YouTube. St Hilda's Junior Common Room (JCR) president Esther Gosling said the librarian had been sacked and up to five students fined between £30 and £60 after the video was posted online in February. The librarian deserved to be fired, as did 15 miners in Australia who were fired earlier this month after performing a version of the Harlem Shake underground and posting a video of it online. The Harlem Shake is just rubbish, maybe except for a really good one right here. Harlem Shakes will never beat Gangnam Style's famous horse dance. In other news, 20-year-old Greek footballer Giorgos Katidis has been banned for life from playing for his national team after a controversial goal celebration in which he appeared to give a Nazi salute. On Saturday, he gestured with his right arm extended and hand straightened, to celebrate scoring the winning goal for his team AEK Athens in a Super League game at the Olympic Stadium in Athens. He says he hadn't understood the meaning of the gesture - but is it possible, in 2013, for a European to be so poorly informed? Yes. Is it really possible for young people in Europe today not to know the meaning of such gestures? I believe so. Katidis is a young kid who does not have any political ideas. He most likely saw such a salute on the internet or somewhere else, and did it without knowing what it means. I am 100% sure that Giorgos did not know what he did. Nevertheless, the country's football federation said the midfielder's gesture insulted all victims of the Nazis and banned him from playing for the Greek national team for life.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Sinkholes

Sinkholes are the worst. 36-year-old Florida man Jeffrey Bush is presumed dead after a sinkhole swallowed his bedroom near Tampa this month. And last week, an Illinois man survived an 18ft (5.4m) fall inside a sinkhole while he was golfing. Mark Mihal was investigating an unusual depression when the earth gave way on the 14th hole of the fairway in Waterloo, Illinois. Friends managed to bring the mortgage broker to safety with a rope, and he escaped with only a sore shoulder. Mr Mihal said he felt lucky to survive the "absolutely crazy" accident, but watch out because you just never know - you may well be reading this while on unstable ground. It could only be a matter of seconds before the ground falls out right from under you.

It started with Parker and Fanning

To some, they were pioneers of a revolution. To others, the owners of music file-sharing service Napster were no better than online terrorists, hijacking one of the biggest industries in the world by offering music to fans for free. Now the story of Napster, told from both sides of the debate, has been made into a documentary by director Alex Winter - famous for being one half of movie duo, Bill and Ted. The film, called Downloaded, had its world premiere at the SXSW music and film festival in Texas this week. It was attended by the entrepreneurs who started Napster - 34-year-old Sean Parker, who went on to co-finance the brands Facebook and Spotify, and 32-year-old Shawn Fanning, who is also a Silicon Valley investor. The film documents how the pair became friends as teenagers in an internet chatroom, and discovered a shared love of music, as well as a talent for emerging online technology. I'm sure it will be worth the ticket price if and/or when it gets released. Also up for release is the soul of jazz band leader Terry Lightfoot, who has died at the age of 77 after a battle with prostate cancer. Lightfoot, who was born in Potters Bar but settled in Olney in Buckinghamshire, had been touring for most of the time from the 1950s up until last year. In that time, he had played alongside greats such as Louis Armstrong and Lonnie Donegan. His death comes less than two weeks after that of trumpeter Kenny Ball, who started his career playing in the Terry Lightfoot's Jazzmen band. In other news, the first woman mayor of Peru's capital Lima, Susana Villaran, has narrowly survived a recall vote to depose her from office.

Royals royally defeated

Manchester United have achieved a most commanding position yet this season by edging 15 points clear of Manchester City at the top of the Barclays Premier League in what may prove to be a telling weekend in the title race. The Reds’ 1-0 win against Reading this morning at Old Trafford provided little drama – precisely what Sir Alex would have wanted – and although the precarious winning margin never truly offered a feeling of comfort for United, Wayne Rooney’s goal shows that Sir Alex’s men can win ugly as a means to an end. No other goals were scored, but two Reading players got yellow-carded.

Big Oil? More like Pig Oil!

BP has launched its promised appeal against what it calls "fictitious" and "absurd" payouts to some oil spill compensation claimants and asked a judge to temporarily halt those paid out as business economic losses. In a filing in a federal court in New Orleans, BP said it could be "irreparably harmed" by the payouts without relief from the court, because they could cost it billions more than it had budgeted for when it agreed to a settlement in April of last year. Serves those corporate pigs right. As far as I'm concerned, those bellends have no case. There is nothing fictitious or absurd about the damage suffered as a result of Deepwater Horizon. BP should be made to pay for what they did to the Gulf, and if they go bankrupt, it's their loss. The Pottery Barn rule applies here - you break it, you buy it.

ELEVEN HUNDRED POSTS TODAY!

The search for a new pope has gone south, but not in the figurative sense because a cardinal from Argentina was elected pope this week. That's right, Jorge Mario Bergoglio now has a new name: he is now known as Francis in honour of Saint Francis of Assisi. He is the first Jesuit pope, the first from the Americas, and the first from the Southern Hemisphere. Francis is the first pope of Italian descent since John Paul I, who was pope for a brief period in 1978, but he is also the first pope born outside Europe in 1,272 years, since Syrian-born St. Gregory III. Speaking of Syria, it has now been two years since their civil war began, and still no sign of Bashar al-Assad's ouster. But the rebels have captured the city of ar-Raqqah.

It's Pi Day today!

Today is also the Sikh New Year. Now onto today's topic: a disabled 13-year-old girl is recovering after being pushed from a moving school bus in New York City. The incident happened on the 8th in Brooklyn. It is reported that a boy tossed the girl out the back door of the bus and into oncoming traffic. The girl, who rides a city school bus to a private school for disabled students known as the Brooklyn Children's Center, suffered a broken collarbone and was taken by ambulance to a hospital. And that, my friends, is why one should never push anyone out of a moving vehicle. It's not just a dumb idea but it could cause serious injury. For instance, that girl could've died if she got struck by a car.

Baby down to no AIDS

Final Yogi Award for 2013 goes to Dr. Hannah Gay, who was smarter than the average doctor in that she cured an HIV-infected baby. Gay and her colleagues Dr. Katherine Luzuriaga of the University of Massachusetts and Dr. Deborah Persaud of Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore reported on the child's case at a medical meeting in Atlanta on the 3rd. "The breakthrough has been exciting and I'm very hopeful that that's going to lead to future research that will give us some answers," said Gay, who likes to spend time designing needle points, singing in her church choir, and reading theology or medical literature when she's not working 12-hour days treating patients. Just as exciting as said breakthrough is this slide situated in Google's offices in Zurich in Switzerland:

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Harlem Shake

We've officially made it to three years. And in those three years, I haven't seen anything as stupid and uncool as the Harlem Shake. This is when one person in the room starts dancing like a bellend while everyone else is going about their business. Cut to a few seconds later, and everybody in the room is dancing like total bellends. I don't see how this tripe stands a chance at outdoing Gangnam Style. But if you think the Harlem Shake is any good, there's a lot of it here. But now that that's out of the way, we have another Yogi Award to present. It goes to Jerry Brown, who was smarter than the average state governor in that he signed a law back in September banning licensed mental health providers treating teenagers and children from attempting "to change behaviors or gender expressions, or to eliminate or reduce sexual or romantic attractions or feelings toward individuals of the same sex". By taking such a big step, Governor Brown has sent a powerful message of affirmation and support to LGBT youth and their families. This law will ensure that a) LGBT youth will now be protected from a practice that has not only been debunked as junk science, but has been proven to have drastically negative effects on their well-being, and b) state-licensed therapists can no longer abuse their power to harm LGBT youth and propagate the dangerous and deadly lie that sexual orientation is an illness or disorder that can be "cured". Now it's the other states' turn to ban conversion therapy.

Strips Ahoy!

Tomorrow, it will have been three years since we started disseminating the truth. Today, however, we kick off the Yogi Award ceremony. For those of you new to the ceremony and its ways, we give three of these out in March of every year, and all recipients have to have been smarter than the average whatever over the previous year. First award for 2013 goes to Judy Viger, who was smarter than the average mother for hiring strippers for her son's 16th birthday party late last year. The complaining parents found out that the strippers had been at the November 3 bowling party through photos posted on Facebook. OK so she broke the law, but at least we know she knows what men want. I am not a prude, so I too would have no qualms about hiring strippers for a 16th birthday party. In fact, I would be more than happy to hire strippers who were the same sex as the birthday child if that was what they were into. But I would've kept the stripper part away from the bowling alley.

Best restaurant in Denmark... FOR FOOD POISONING!

63 people had food poisoning at a Danish restaurant dubbed the world's best eatery, it has emerged. Health officials said diners at Copenhagen's Noma restaurant, which opened in 2004 and topped Restaurant Magazine's list of the world's 50 Best Restaurants in 2010-12, fell sick over a five-day period in February, suffering from vomiting and diarrhoea. It was not clear what caused the outbreak, but reports say the source may have been a sick kitchen employee. The restaurant has apologised, but I won't be eating there any time soon, and it's not just because of the food poisoning. It's also because of the price (Noma charges up to 1,500 kroner for a menu without drinks) and because Europe's too far away. Also too far away, football's world governing body Fifa has written to the Nigerian Football Association over claims lesbians are now banned from playing football there. Dilichukwu Onyedinma, chair of the Nigeria Women Football League (NWFL), was quoted as making the statement. "Any player associated with it will be disqualified," she is quoted as saying. While contravening Fifa's anti-discrimination policies, the situation is made more complicated because homosexuality is illegal in Nigeria. Currently, a Same-Sex Marriage (Prohibition) Bill that specifically outlaws same-sex unions is awaiting a signature from president Goodluck Jonathan to go in to law. He'd better not sign that, because if he does, gatherings of homosexuals or any other support for gay clubs, organisations, or unions - whether in secret or in public - will be banned, with same-sex couples facing up to 14 years in prison. And speaking of prison, an Ohio man who was exonerated after spending 13 years in prison for murder cried as a federal jury found that two Cleveland police detectives violated his civil rights by coercing and falsifying testimony and withholding evidence that pointed to his innocence. The jury's verdict on Friday, which included awarding US$13.2 million to David Ayers of Cleveland for his pain and suffering, brings an end to the legal battle he's been fighting since his arrest in the 1999 killing of 76-year-old Dorothy Brown.

All Bibles should have this warning

All stabbed, jolted, and smoked up

A British teenager has been knifed to death on a crowded bus in an apparently random attack as she made her way to school. The teenager, 16-year-old Christina Edkins, was killed shortly after she boarded the double decker during the morning rush hour. Police launched a massive manhunt for a fellow passenger who fled the scene after her murder, which came a month after Christina voiced concerns about a fellow passenger on another bus journey, and later arrested a 22-year-old man after an extensive search involving police dogs and firearms officers. If that wasn't a big enough jolt for you, here's another: three Auckland gyms have opened their doors for business this morning despite an order by the High Court to stop trading. Justice Winkelmann yesterday issued an interim injunction against Jolt Fitness, requiring the owners to close down its gyms at Westgate, Three Kings, and Botany. Her decision came after Stuart Holder, who owned three Club Physical gym franchises, suddenly rebranded the clubs as "Jolt Fitness" without warning on February 8. Club Physical owner Paul Richards applied to the High Court for an injunction to stop Jolt Fitness from operating, claiming Holder had breached franchise agreements. But Jolt Fitness has today confirmed it will be lodging an appeal against Justice Winkelmann's decision. "The appeal will include an urgent application for a stay of the Order to close the three Jolt Fitness clubs. Jolt Fitness has requested that this application be dealt with by the High Court today. Until such time as this application is heard, the three Jolt Fitness clubs at Westgate, Botany Downs, and Three Kings will remain open for business." Holder last night said he was "incredibly surprised and disappointed" by Justice Winkelmann's ruling. I would be too, but contempt of court is not the best way to play when life deals you a bad hand. And speaking of hands, if second-hand smoke wasn’t bad enough, now you have to worry about third-hand smoke - the lingering traces left behind in the objects long after the smoker has left the area. That’s the report from a late February conference at the University of California-Riverside, where professor Manuela Martins-Green and colleagues presented evidence that trace amounts of leftover smoke can actually affect wound healing and other bodily functions. So what exactly is third-hand smoke? Lowell Dale, a doctor for the Mayo Clinic, explained that it’s the stubborn, hard-to-remove residue that gets left behind on surfaces (especially indoor surfaces) to create a toxic chemical mishmash that clings to “hair, skin, clothes, furniture, drapes, walls, bedding, carpets, dust, vehicles, and other surfaces, even long after smoking has stopped.” So think before you light up. Your actions now will continue to have effect long after the actions themselves.

Gorbachev doesn't want to put in

Former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev has denounced new laws passed in Russia as an "attack on citizens' rights". In an interview with the BBC, he called on President Vladimir Putin "not to be afraid of his own people". Mr Gorbachev also criticised Mr Putin's inner circle, saying it was full of "thieves and corrupt officials". The laws passed by Putin include fines for organising unsanctioned protests, stiffer libel penalties, a wider definition of treason, and restrictions on websites. But enough about that because in what tech giant Apple is calling a “major leap forward” for one of its most beloved products, the company announced recently that it would begin selling a new version of its popular iPad tablet with an extra attached storage drawer. “Featuring a stunning 9.7-inch Retina display, super-fast wireless performance, and a 5-inch-deep pull-out drawer, the iPad 4D is our most high-performance model to date,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said in a press release, adding that the sleek new drawer has a stainless-steel handle and comes in either white or black. “With slick ball-bearing slides and an ultra-light frame, the 4D can easily carry photographs, pens, calculators, legal pads, iPhones, and other personal belongings. Life just got a whole lot better, iPad users.” So next time you decide to get a tablet, get the one with the drawer. You'll thank me later.

Chavez six feet down, Bieber lets fans down

And also going down today, New Zealand taxpayers who dodged the top personal tax rate by paying themselves artificially low salaries have until the end of this month to confess. The Inland Revenue Department (IRD) issued a warning today that its concession to make a voluntary disclosure - granted after the outcome of the Penny and Hooper case in 2011 - would soon run out. "There is still time for people who are in a similar situation to Penny and Hooper and have used a similar company or trust structure to artificially lower their incomes to discuss their arrangements with Inland Revenue," said group tax counsel Graham Tubb. So if you're one of those bellends who have dodged huge amounts of tax in a similar way, you should listen to him and pay what you owe. In other news, a Mila Kunis interview carried out by BBC Radio 1's Chris Stark has become an internet hit. The actress was supposed to be promoting her new film Oz: The Great and Powerful (which also stars James Franco, Rachel Weisz, and Michelle Williams) when she and an initially-nervous Stark begin to go off-topic. Kunis and Stark soon talk about Jägerbombs, Watford football club, pies, and Nando's. To see the interview, click here and hope that it at least has a chance to outdo Gangnam Style.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: America's Got Talent

And that's because it sucks. Those shows are just proof that the country in question hasn't got talent. There's even a Canada's Got Talent, but if you listen to the likes of Justin Bieber or Celine Dion, you will realise that Canada hasn't got talent. But the American version could be worth watching this summer, because supermodel and television host Heidi Klum said yesterday that she will be a new judge on the popular TV talent show. Klum will be the fourth judge on the talent show created by British entertainment mogul Simon Cowell. She joins comedian Howie Mandel, radio "shock jock" Howard Stern, and former Spice Girl Mel B on the show hosted by Nick Cannon. "Excited 2 join @HowardStern @howiemandel @OfficialMelB & @NickCannon on @nbcagt as new judge! Will be so fun," Klum tweeted. But I still won't be watching that rubbish. There's better things I can do with my time.

Angry Norris Style!

Who wants to see Angry Birds, Chuck Norris, and Gangnam Style at the same time? Click here and enjoy the show.

Historic hat-trick paves way to three points

A historic day materialised at Old Trafford this morning as Shinji Kagawa scored a splendid hat-trick as Manchester United defeated Norwich City 4-0 to move 15 points clear at the top of the Barclays Premier League table. That's right, Kagawa has become the first Asian to score a hat-trick in the Premier League. The other Man United goal was scored by Wayne Rooney, and four Norwich City players received yellow cards.

Pope trapped in the closet?

A prominent Catholic and gay blogger has renewed speculation that the outgoing Pope Benedict may be secretly gay. Following an announcement that Benedict will not go into hidden retirement but will instead continue living in the Vatican with trusted secretary Archbishop Georg Gänswein, The Dish's Andrew Sullivan penned a post titled, "Two Popes, One Secretary," in which he speculates "something truly weird going on." So what if the pope bats for the other team? It's about time some real change occurred in the Catholic Church. And they could bring on some more by replacing Benny with someone who isn't from Europe. But it's also been a whirlwind few days for Jennifer Lawrence, who just last Sunday won an Oscar, went brunette on Monday, and by Wednesday was in Hawaii shooting the blockbuster sequel "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire." It's no wonder then that the star had to unwind a bit, and the way she chose to do it is not atypical for 22-year-olds: Lawrence was spotted on her hotel balcony drinking wine with a friend and smoking a suspicious-looking cigarette. "Hunger Games" co-star Josh Hutcherson, who plays Peeta Mellark, was also seen taking a puff from a rolled-up cig.

Whisky down the drain-o!

Thousands of litres of whisky have been flushed down the drain by accident at a bottling plant in Dumbarton. It is understood the mix-up happened at Chivas Brothers during the night shift on Tuesday while equipment was being cleaned. Instead of draining away waste water, the workers on duty somehow flushed out thousands of litres of bulk whisky. But enough about that because another loss of spirits has occurred: Anastacia has been forced to cancel her European tour after being diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. The 44-year-old singer made a full recovery in 2003 after being treated with surgery and radiotherapy. But because the cancer's back, all tickets for the tour, due to start on 6 April in London, will be refunded. Spirits are also low for German copyright infringer Kim Dotcom, because U.S. prosecutors won a New Zealand court victory today in their battle to extradite the Megaupload founder and three colleagues (Finn Batato, Mathias Ortmann, and Bram van der Kolk) accused of facilitating massive copyright fraud through the now-defunct online file-sharing site. But there is a way Kim and his colleagues can escape extradition: go to a foreign embassy and hope for asylum. It worked for Julian Assange.

Prosser prosses off Muslim community

The Bellend of the Month for February 2013 is Richard Prosser. He is an MP for the political party New Zealand First, and his Swiss Army knife was confiscated at Christchurch Airport. But he picked the wrong place to let off the excess steam - a column he writes for Investigate. In this month's issue, he wrote that anyone who was Muslim, looked Muslim, or came from a Muslim nation should not be allowed to fly on Western airlines. He had also referred to Muslims as "a sorry pack of misogynist troglodytes from Wogistan" and referred to Islam as a stone-age religion. I can think of several things wrong with his statements:

• There is more to Islam than just sorry packs of misogynist troglodytes from Wogistan.
• There is no such place as Wogistan. That's only a term Prosser made up to indirectly refer to Arabs as wogs.
• Islam cannot technically be a stone-age religion. It is actually one of the newer Abrahamic religions, having only started in 622 CE with Muhammad emigrating from Mecca to Medina. In fact, even Judaism, despite pre-dating Christianity, wasn't around in the Stone Age.
• Banning Muslims from flying won't solve the problem. Not all Muslims are terrorists, and not all terrorists are Muslims.

So with that in mind, I think Prosser should leave New Zealand and go back to his sorry pack of Islamophobic troglodytes from Bigotania. If you want to see the column, it's at the end of this here preview:

All sharks must go!

Shark attacks are rare in New Zealand. Only 11 fatal attacks had taken place since records began in 1847, and the last confirmed shark fatality was in 1976 in the Bay of Plenty. Until now, that is. A shark has killed a man off a beach near the New Zealand city of Auckland. The attack took place around 1:30 this afternoon at Muriwai Beach, to the west of the country's largest city. This is why sharks need to go. They are an unnecessary menace lurking in waters around the world, and they cause harm to good people every day. For example, if it weren't for sharks, Bethany Hamilton would still have both of her arms. So next time you see a shark, make sure you have a harpoon on you. You'll thank me later.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Product recalls

Product recalls are a necessary evil. But sometimes it's just wasteful fear-mongering, for instance, the current scandal involving horsemeat. Yesterday, Ikea withdrew meatballs from sale in 14 European countries after tests in the Czech Republic found traces of horsemeat in a batch made in Sweden. My opinion: so what? I don't mind horsemeat in my food. Some cultures actually eat horses, and they too don't mind seeing the odd bit of horse in their beef. And there are also people who want something a little different - maybe horsemeat could be right up their alley. So all in all, horsemeat is no big deal. If the meat was off, then maybe a product recall would be in order. But if it's just meat from a second species of animal, then a recall would just be a wasteful thing to engage in.

Dictator's daughter takes the reins

Park Geun-hye, the daughter of a late military strongman, was sworn in today as South Korea’s first female president, warning North Korea that the primary victim of its pursuit of nuclear weapons and long-range missiles will be the isolated country itself. “North Korea’s recent nuclear test is a challenge to the survival and future of the Korean people, and there should be no mistake that the biggest victim will be none other than North Korea itself,” Ms. Park said in her inaugural address in front of the National Assembly building in Seoul. Maybe Iran can also learn the same lesson about its own nuclear tests one day. And speaking of Iran, a movie which told the story of the rescue operation that saved six Americans during the Iran hostage crisis has taken home three Oscars at the 85th Academy Awards, including the biggest award of the night: best picture. That's right, Argo has taken top prize at yet another award ceremony.

Goal + goal = three more points

Manchester United are really putting the pressure on their cross-town rivals, and are now 15 points clear of them after beating Queen's Park Rangers this morning at Loftus Road. All it took to beat the relegation-haunted QPR was one goal each scored by Rafael and Ryan Giggs. No other goals were scored, and no yellow or red cards were shown.

Armstrong getting less strong

The US government has joined a lawsuit against Lance Armstrong after talks with his lawyers broke down. The suit argues Armstrong defrauded the American public by insisting he was not using drugs while riding for the publicly funded US Postal Service team. Last month, Armstrong admitted using performance-enhancing drugs during all seven of his Tour de France wins. The suit, filed by fellow drug cheat Floyd Landis, aims to recover sponsorship money from Armstrong. And it's only fair because not only did Lance Armstrong cheat his way to seven Tour de France victories, Lance Armstrong and his cycling team also took more than US$30m from the US Postal Service based on their contractual promise to play fair and abide by the rules - including the rules against doping. The Postal Service has now seen its sponsorship unfairly associated with what has been described as the most sophisticated, professionalised, and successful doping programme that sport has ever seen. This is really unfortunate because it feels like Armstrong had beaten cancer only to become cancer. He had not been playing by the rules during his seven Tour wins and the US government should go ahead with the suit.

Out on bail or crowded in jail

A stuffy, overcrowded cell. At times, two or three men to a single bunk. Lockdown for 23 out of 24 hours. Is this what awaits South Africa's Oscar Pistorius if he is not released on bail while he awaits trial for the murder of his girlfriend? Not necessarily, because some of South Africa's prisons are better than others. But whichever one might house Pistorius, there's no question that conditions would be a far cry from those in his US$560,000 home in the luxury Silverwoods Estate, on the outskirts of Pretoria. South African prisons are frequently overcrowded, putting a strain on sanitation, ventilation, and medical care. The overcrowding means three men may share a single cell, or communal cells for 40 people are jammed with double the number they were intended to hold, with men sleeping in double or triple bunks. There was even one person who for the first year in remand detention (pretrial custody) slept on the floor, and then 'graduated' to a bunk. Many inmates are kept locked up for 23 hours a day, with only an hour outside their cell. Some prisons go into lockdown as early as 3 or 4 p.m. local time, leaving prisoners cooped up for 12 hours or more at a stretch. But enough about that because daytime temperatures this winter in Stockholm have regularly dropped to -5°C, but it's still common to see children left outside by their parents for a sleep in the pram. Seriously, would you put your baby or toddler outside in the freezing cold for their lunchtime nap? Most Nordic parents wouldn't give it a second thought. For them it's part of their daily routine. Wander through the snowy city and you'll see buggies lined up outside coffee shops while parents sip on lattes inside. And if you are visiting friends and your child needs a nap, you may be offered the garden or balcony instead of a bedroom. This is just not on. Leaving your child out in sub-zero temperatures is child abuse. If their arm turns black and falls off as a result of such a horrific act, there are consequences for the parent. During the winter, it can get quite cold in parts of New Zealand, and that is why no sane parent here would ever subject their children to such cruelty.

Organisation? There's an app for that.

You wouldn't expect two 16-year-olds to spend their summer break working for free. But, that's exactly what Ryan Orbuch and Michael Hansen did when they created the anti-procrastination (pictured) iOS app called Finish, which launched on January 16. But it's paid off. Literally. As of today, Finish has been downloaded 16,500 times in a little more than a month, according to Orbuch. At US$0.99 a pop, this means more than US$16,000 in one month, which isn't bad for two teenagers. What's more, the app is not only for high schoolers. "We've seen Finish work for an amazing variety of people. From high school students to lawyers, doctors to real estate agents, writers to entrepreneurs, and tons more," Orbuch said. "Though the app was built by students, it wasn't built to be school-specific. Finish is essentially a framework, it's an app that provides the perfect amount of structure to truly reduce stress and ease procrastination for just about anyone." I will be downloading this for my iPhone because even I sometimes procrastinate. If you also have problems with procrastination, then please download Finish.

Gym chains in for a jolt

A High Court judge has directed that a stoush between the owner of a well-known gym chain and one of his franchisees who suddenly rebranded three clubs have an "urgent" half-day hearing next week. Club Physical was running nine branches across Auckland and one in Kaitaia until 12 days ago when clubs at Westgate, Three Kings, and Botany were completely overhauled and renamed as "Jolt Fitness". Staff at those locations were fitted with new uniforms, new classes were put in place, and instructors arriving to teach their regular classes were turned away. Many members were left baffled and angry that the gym they signed up for no longer existed. I don't know who is in the right here, but my concern is for the members of the affected gyms, who will all have to make a decision: give Jolt's classes a try, or go to another Club Physical. But because gym memberships cost too much, I will not be affected by this or similar surprise rebrandings in the foreseeable future.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Livestrong

Last weekend, I saw This Is 40. Its good points included the comedic moments and the heavy depiction of Apple gadgets, but there was one scene early on where one character was wearing a shirt with the Livestrong slogan on it, which is highly inappropriate given Lance Armstrong's recent admission of doping. If I was the director, I would've insisted on digitally altering the shirt in question to read Liestrong, because that's the sort of dishonest scumbag that Lance Armstrong is. He used drugs to win the Tour de France seven times in a row.

Correa continues presidential career

President Rafael Correa of Ecuador swept to re-election yesterday (local time) in a vote that showed the broad popularity of his government’s social programs and support for the poor in a country to which he has brought stability after years of political and economic turmoil. Thousands of supporters in the main square in Quito, the capital, began celebrating shortly after voting finished at 5 p.m. (local time), when television stations announced the result of exit polls showing Mr. Correa as the runaway winner. “Many thanks for this immense trust,” Mr. Correa said from the balcony of the presidential palace. “We have never failed you, and we never will fail you.” Critics of Mr. Correa have worried that such a strong mandate would embolden him to further concentrate power and proceed with policies that could limit press freedom and quash dissent. That may be true, given that this is Latin America, but Ecuador's most important asset at the moment is Julian Assange, who is holed up in the Ecuadorean embassy in London and wishes to run for a spot in the Australian Senate. He regards his bid to become an Australian senator as a defence against potential criminal prosecution in the United States and Britain. Assange also plans to register a new political party, the WikiLeaks Party, to run Senate candidates in several Australian states.

Directing the Stars

A certain "Star Trek" veteran feels that J.J. Abrams has indeed boldly gone where no man has gone before ... and not in a good way. William Shatner, known worldwide (and perhaps beyond) as the man who played Captain James T. Kirk in the original "Star Trek" series and in seven feature films, was recently asked about how he feels about "Star Trek" director J.J. Abrams now also taking the captain's chair on "Star Wars." Shatner is not as enthusiastic as others have been when it comes to Abrams pulling double duty on arguably the two biggest sci-fi franchises of all time. "He's being a pig," Shatner said during an interview with Movie Fanatic. "He's collecting the two franchises and holding them close to his vest. He's probably the most talented director of that ilk that we have but he's gone too far this time." Maybe he has, but I'm holding my tongue because I think he'll do a good job on both - unlike that drug cheat Lance Armstrong.

Pirates versus CIAPC

In a move that could be called balsy or hypocritical (or even a premature April fools prank), The Pirate Bay are threatening to sue for alleged copyright infringement. This is a fascinating (if not ironic) move, given it comes from an online service who've become synomymous with copyright infringement. It appears that anti-piracy campaign group CIAPC redesigned their website to mimic The Pirate Bay's, right down to their now famous pirate ship logo. Never shy to pass up a publicity opportunity, The Pirate Bay are loudly expressing their outrage. “We are outraged by this behavior. People must understand what is right and wrong. Stealing material like this on the internet is a threat to economies worldwide,” a Pirate Bay spokesman told TorrentFreak. “We feel that we must make a statement and therefore we will sure them for copyright infringement. If not even IFPI and their friends can respect copyright, perhaps it’s time to move on?” I wish them luck with their possibly meritless litigation, even though it is highly unlikely that the case will be successful.

Return of the Sight

The Food and Drug Administration approved the first treatment yesterday to give limited vision to people who are blind, involving a technology called the artificial retina. The device allows people with a certain type of blindness to detect crosswalks on the street, the presence of people or cars, and sometimes even large numbers or letters. The approval of the system marks a milestone in a new frontier in vision research, a field in which scientists are making strides with gene therapy, optogenetics, stem cells, and other strategies. That is clearly one breakthrough of a device, but there is more to blog about tonight: the much-rumored iPhone 5S and a 5-inch iPhone 6 have shown up at an Apple supplier in China, according to a post on a Chinese microblogging site. The models could be released this year, according to a post by a Sina Tech user called Old Yao. He reports that a friend of his at a supplier has seen the models and says that the iPhone 5S resembles the iPhone 5, while the iPhone 6 is wider, longer, and thinner.

Smell it like it is

Hailing the product as a revolution in smelling technology, Sony released a sleek new line of nose buds on Monday, which will allow consumers to blast a variety of scents directly into their nostrils whenever and wherever they please. The new Sony Nasal HD-340s, which retail for US$49.99, have been designed to comfortably fit into users’ nostrils and are said to rely on advanced olfactory technology to deliver a wide array of high-quality aromas, including lavender, fresh-baked bread, tennis ball, Fourth of July barbecue, and public pool, offering each user a highly personalised smelling experience. That's right, gone are the days of having to put up with the smell of blue cheese or a freshly-cut fart - just plug the HD-340 in your nose, turn it on, and enjoy the smell of something more pleasant.

Keeping up with the time

Having conquered the desktops, music libraries, and phones of millions, Apple reportedly wants to adorn one more spot in the life of the gadget-obsessed - their wrists. The company is developing a smart watch that would run on the same iOS operating system that powers iPhones, iPads, and some iPods, according to a report in The New York Times. But don't hold your breath, because such reports are no sure thing. Over the years, Apple has reportedly poked around into products ranging from cars to cameras without any commercially available product ever coming from it. An Apple TV has been in the rumor stages for years now, and while many observers still expect one to surface eventually, there have been no signs yet.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Climate change

That's right, climate change. It's real, but sadly, the BBC won't acknowledge it. They have re-edited the final episode of David Attenborough's nature series, Africa, to remove a piece of commentary about climate change. In the original programme, broadcast in Britain last Wednesday, Attenborough said: "Some parts of the continent have become 3.5 Celsius hotter in the past 20 years." A decision was taken on Saturday to remove it from the repeat programme and the iPlayer version. This is clearly the wrong thing to do. There is widespread acknowledgement within the scientific community that the climate of Africa has been changing, and if we don't do something about it, then we're in for a nasty apocalypse that cannot be blamed on Gangnam Style.

Twelve ahead with twelve to go

Victory over Everton - courtesy of goals from Ryan Giggs and Robin van Persie - stretched Manchester United's lead at the top of the Barclays Premier League to 12 points this morning at Old Trafford. That's right, 12 points. And with just 12 games to play, Sir Alex Ferguson’s men are now undoubtedly well placed to go on and clinch a 20th league title, although the events of last season – when United blew an eight-point lead with just six games remaining – means nobody at Old Trafford is getting too carried away just yet. And that's because it is still possible that Man City will win four games and Man United will lose four, closing the gap and potentially giving City a second consecutive title. But back to the match at hand: while no goals were scored by Everton, two of their players were shown yellow cards.

Oppa Gaza Style!

"Gangnam Style," South Korean rapper PSY's international hit, has received numerous cover versions and imitations worldwide. Now comes the Palestinian version, "Gaza Style." That's right, a group of young Palestinians from the Gaza Strip has shot a comic video expressing the daily hardships experienced by local residents. The video, which can be seen as an act of protest against the Israeli blockade on the Gaza Strip, likely also includes implicit criticism toward the Hamas government for not acting in the best interests of the Palestinian public. The video can be seen below:

Viral causes viral problems for Chile

The Chilean government has promised a speedy investigation into a viral video of its naval cadets that has offended three neighbouring nations. The amateur video shows a bloc of cadets running on a public street, repeating the cadence of their instructor: "Argentineans I will kill; Bolivians I will shoot; Peruvians I'll behead." Historically, Chile has had rivalries and disputes with its neighbours. Landlocked Bolivia lost its access to the Pacific Ocean to Chile in a war, for example, and it continues to fight for a sliver of coast. But Chile is not currently at war with any of those three countries, so maybe they should've chosen three countries that they were at war with. And speaking of war, the global "currency war" could get even worse if Europe joins the fray, says the man widely credited with coining the term. Brazilian Finance Minister Guido Mantega told Reuters European countries should focus on reviving their economies with more investments, rather than trying to weaken the euro to protect jobs as France has suggested ahead of next week's meeting of G20 economic powers.

We've Got Mailbox

When the United States Postal Service announced it would no longer deliver mail on Saturdays, those of us with e-mail anxiety had a moment of jealousy. What would it be like to have two whole days when the Internet just didn't deliver to anyone's inbox? It would be pretty great, but unfortunately, e-mail is only becoming more of a round-the-clock presence, but a novel new e-mail tool could make it more manageable. Enter Mailbox, a much hyped new app for the iPhone that chips away at overflowing inboxes with simple gesture controls and a brilliant snooze feature. This handy new app is finally available in the Apple App Store after half a year of sneak peeks and raves from beta testers. So go to the App Store and download it today.

Biggest. Prime. Ever.

Before I start on my post, I have an important message to share with you all: my niece, Hazel Anne Rees (pictured), was born today at 3:50pm (New Zealand Daylight Time). This means that I am now an uncle. Now for a second helping of good news: the biggest prime number yet has been discovered. It is indeed massive, more than 17 million digits long. A text file of the entire number contains more than 22 megabytes of information. For those who have been out of school for a while, let's review: A prime number is a positive integer that cannot be divided evenly by any number except itself and 1. The first 10 prime numbers are 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29. There is no clear pattern in these numbers, nor is there an easy formula to calculate the 11th prime number (31). And, as proven 2300 years ago by the great mathematician Euclid, there are an infinite number of primes. I'm sure the next prime is not too far around the corner.

From big scam to big house

Eighteen people have been charged with stealing at least US$200m in a credit card fraud ring, possibly one of the largest in US history. The scam allegedly involved thousands of fake identities and businesses, lying to credit rating agencies, and wiring some of the proceeds abroad. Beginning in 2007, the elaborate scheme involved falsely improving the credit scores of 7,000 fake cardholders, allowing the scammers to borrow high amounts of money which they never repaid. The accused availed themselves of a virtual cafeteria of sophisticated frauds and schemes, whose main menu items were greed and deceit. In fact, prosecutors allege that in one case a defendant used a six-year-old's Social Security number for a fake utility bill. This is just not on. It's a good thing the bellends involved have all been caught in the act because this type of fraud increases the costs of doing business for every American consumer, every day. In other news, the world's longest domestic cat, a 48.5in (1.23m) Maine Coon named Stewie, has died at the age of eight at his home in Reno, Nevada. Stewie's owner, Robin Hendrickson, said that the record-holding cat died on Monday evening after battling cancer.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Ransomware

What we're dealing with here is a class of malware which restricts access to the computer system that it infects, and demands a ransom paid to the creator of the malware in order for the restriction to be removed. Some forms of ransomware encrypt files on the system's hard drive, while some may simply lock the system and display messages intended to coax the user into paying. And such an attack is happening in Germany, where federal police are warning about a computer virus that accuses victims of viewing "juvenile pornography" and displays an image that it claims reveals images of child sexual abuse have been viewed on a computer. The Windows virus, which purports to be collecting cash on behalf of German copyright authorities and the country's national computer security agency, locks the infected computer and only returns control to its owner on payment of a €100 fine. This amounts to digital extortion and you should never ever pay up. Instead, users should use anti-virus and other security software to clean up their PC and deal with the virus. Or, they could get a Mac. It'll be worth the extra cash.

Burn book author gets burnt

Malala Yousufzai, the Pakistani schoolgirl who was shot in the head by the Taliban, is in stable condition after undergoing two successful operations to reconstruct her skull and restore her hearing, the British hospital treating her said yesterday. Doctors tending to the girl, who was attacked for advocating education for girls in Pakistan, said they were “very pleased” with her progress after five hours of skull reconstruction and ear surgery on Saturday at Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham. That's good news, but now for something not so good: a 15-year-old boy in Colorado has been arrested for cyber-bulling using Instagram. He is being charged with five counts of third-degree harassment for allegedly downloading photographs of his classmates from Facebook and then uploading them to an anonymous Instagram account with hurtful captions attached. The unnamed young man, a student at Ralston Valley High in Arvada, Colorado, had allegedly created a “burn book” Instagram account and used photographs to harass five of his peers.

Lead over City stretches to ten

Wayne Rooney put Manchester United ten points clear at the top of the Barclays Premier League this morning at Craven Cottage with a brilliantly taken late second-half strike that could well turn out to be a vitally important moment in the title race. It was the only goal scored, and he and one Fulham player received yellow cards over the course of the match.